


Bites P5

by Silkywings



Category: Original Work
Language: Lingua latina
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:54:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 305,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24805780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silkywings/pseuds/Silkywings





	1. Chapter 1

### Chapter 56: Chapter 50: Battles Against The Generals! Thriller Bark Conquered?

### Chapter Text

**Patient AN: Ladies and gentlemen, the following chapter may very well be the finest work of our Superego, without whom we could not have hoped to have made either this or the previous chapter.**

**Hornet AN: I should hope so, considering this thing's 50% fight scene.**

**Cross-Brain AN: Just as a last note, loyal fans? We called the cliffhanger we gave you seven chapters ago cruel beyond all cruelty. But the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter is even crueler.**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH—!"

_THUNK!_

"—AAHoh hey, I'm alive."

Glancing behind him, Leo could see that a tree had arrested his impromptu flight, with nary a scratch on the bark.

"Tough tree…" he remarked. Then the pain in his hind flippers hit. "Ow, fuck! Jeez, this guy hits almost as hard as Zoro!"

"Yaaar!"

At the sound of that voice, Leo turned his attention back to his limping opponent, crossing his blades in time to catch John's twin sabers. The impact made his swords creak ominously and sent shockwaves down his body. Shockwaves that hit the tree he was still balanced against and promptly blew out the back of the trunk.

"You've… got to be… kidding me!" the dugong ground out as he struggled to hold the zombie at bay.

Seconds passed, neither fighter gaining an advantage. John was too strong for Leo to push back, but the tree gave him something to brace against. However…

' _Can't… keep this up… forever…'_ Leo thought. ' _Dunno what's gonna break first… me… the tree… or my swords… but something's gonna break…'_

In the event, the dugong was beaten to the punch by John… flexing. Yes. Flexing his pectoral muscles, where Leo noted were puncture wounds in the corpse.

' _So someone turned the bastard into a pincushion…'_ he deduced. ' _If they were alive, I'd buy them a drink… and then bury their head in the table! Though...'_ Leo narrowed his eyes as he noticed several other distinctly different scars moving. ' _Huh, looks like he was shot, too. I wonder if the bullets are still in the holes.'_

Strangely enough, it appeared that the bullet holes were opening and closing in time to his… flexing…

' _Oh, you can't be_ serious!'

Hastily pulling his swords back, Leo dropped to the ground, and none too soon. With one final, gargantuan flex, the bullets _flew out of their holes_ to hit the tree.

The dugong had no time to process the sheer _insanity_ of what he'd just witnessed, because finally he had at least something of an opening. From his prone position he stabbed both blades up, aiming for the neck. They didn't reach; Zombie John leaned over, the blades skittering off his voluminous coat, with the tears—

"Okay, that's just not fair," Leo whined at the metal plates now visible under the coat. Further whining was cut off by a frantic roll away from the blades that tore into the soil. Tail catching the ground, he Rip Tided away, back into the trees.

"Okay…" Leo panted as he leaned around the trunk and watched John come about. "So that was probably a one-time thing. I hope. He's still stronger than me, just as fast in melee, and an immortal zombie. With armor." He sighed, hanging his head. "Thank God Soundbite isn't here, because the only possible description of this situation is that it _bites."_ The dugong only allowed himself to remain melancholic for a moment before rapping his hilts over his skull-shell. "Okay, back in the game! Think Leo, think! Weaknesses, what are his weaknesses?"

Turning back to the shambling zombie, he noted with some surprise that it was, in fact, actually shambling, unlike the rest of the cadavers he'd seen that night. Every step dragged the left leg along the ground, despite the apparent functionality of the limb.

"So, slow to pursue. That's… actually pretty useful," Leo noted. "With Rip Tide, I can open the distance easily. Which would be useful _if I actually had a ranged attack worth a damn!"_

Suddenly, a peripheral glint of light snapped the Dugong out of his outrage, and that allowed a hasty duck to save him from becoming a head shorter. A poor tree that slid off its stump and crashed to the ground in front of him only emphasized the point.

This time, though, Leo attacked instead of defended once his opponent was in melee range. To his frustration, this was no more effective than it been before. Zombie John's defense was ironclad, parries and well-timed sways deflecting the attacks.

"Damn it!" he roared, clashing his blades into a crossed formation. "Cross of the—aghk!"

The ace-attack was aborted by a flap of John's coat slamming into Leo's face. Due to its armored nature, it wasn't unlike being slapped with a two-by-four. Or _Nami._

Stumbling back, Leo tried to Rip Tide away again. This time, though, Zombie John reached into his coat and threw several knives that the dugong had to deflect lest he get skewered. Not only did this cut the Rip Tide short, it also drew his swords into an entirely different guard.

"I call this attack 'Boot to the Face'!" the zombie cackled as he did just that.

Treaded soles met dugong face. The soles won, sending Leo flying again. Not very far, though. John, unslinging his coat with the ease of _far_ too much practice, proceeded to catch his opponent in it and wrap the sleeves around his neck.

"A fit punishment for a pirate," the zombie general leered down at his opponent, his foot planted on his shell as he started to pull with all his might. "Wouldn't ya say, _matey?"_

Due to his position, all Leo could do was scrabble at the cloth wrapping around his neck, which was constricting his neck in ways that were decidedly uncomfortable. The lack of air, while unnerving, was manageable due to both his species' habitat of choice and Boss's own spartan training, but far more pressing was the fact that if he didn't know any better, he'd swear he could hear his spine creaking.

Unbidden, one of Chopper's more disturbing rants sprang to mind. This one had been concerning various means of execution the Marines used. And from what he remembered, the true cause of death from hanging by the neck wasn't asphyxiation, but rather—!

Leo hastily slammed all of his strength into maintaining his Shell Body, but he could already tell that it was but a momentary reprieve: after all, where his own strength was limited and waning, the revenant's well of strength was fathomless.

But still, bleak as the situation was, Leo didn't panic. Rather, he thought back to his master's lessons, and focused on one rule in particular: That even if the enemy seemed invincible, there was _always_ a weak angle to exploit.

Leo glanced back and forth along the sleeves that threatened to end his life. The knot itself was impenetrable to his flippers, as was the left sleeve... but the right? Oh, now the _right_ was the ticket to life and liberty, tattered and torn as it was, and all Leo had to do was grab at the most off-kilter patch he could find and _rip_.

The cloth promptly fell apart under his flipper, and a hasty Rip Tide found him far away again, propped up on his swords and wheezing, even as his mind flew a mile an hour.

' _That... That sleeve wasn't a coincidence,'_ Leo thought to himself as he glanced at his opponent. ' _Looking back at the earlier clashes... yeah, yeah he_ definitely _has a weaker guard on his right side.'_ The dugong grimaced as John slowly and calmly put his jacket back on, tutting at the missing sleeve. ' _Not that that_ helps me _, considering how a cracked aegis is_ still _an aegis, damn it all...'_ Hanging his head, he shook it despondently. ' _I gotta do the ranged attack, don't I.'_

For a few seconds, he just wallowed in the self-pity, and then brushed it aside, standing straight again. Another blur of Rip Tide, and he was positioned to the right of John, who was still as slow as ever.

As the zombie shambled towards him again, Leo raised his swords high and to the right, pointing to the sky parallel with each other. More importantly, he shut his eyes, and _listened_.

He heard the wind rustling through the trees; John's foot scraping in the dirt and his clothes rustling together; even, in the distance, the sounds of fighting. The sounds washed over him, penetrated deep into his very soul. And, at the edge of the blades, he heard it. The air moving over the blade, making the metal _sing_.

' _So, that's how it works.'_

Opening his eyes, he saw that John was now making a beeline for him. Well, as much of a beeline as a rotting corpse with a limp can pull off. Point is, he wasn't deviating at all.

"Gulf…!" he cried out, before bringing his blades down. "Stream!"

Air and steel sang in harmony, twin blades of wind sprang into existence, merging into a singular force of destruction…

_SKRANG!_

Even as, before Leo's own horrified gaze, his actual blades shattered like so much fine crystal.

Still, as tragic as the turn of fate was, it didn't alter the intensity of his attack. John tried to dodge, he really did, but with a gimpy leg and quite a bit of armor weighing him down, all he managed to evacuate was his torso. His left-hand limbs, however, were hit full force. The arm, while cut to the bone, remained viable; the leg, however... well, for all that Captain John was a world-renowned pirate there were very few pirates, be they dead or alive, world-famous or a nobody, who could fight with just one leg.

Leo stayed wary for a moment, keeping a close eye on the downed pirate for over a minute before _finally_ allowing himself to relax, the tension ebbing out of his being - and with it the adrenaline that was keeping the pain away. "Ow! Owowowowoooow, my tail!" he yowled, massaging the aching limb. "I _really_ need to start building up these muscles, because mine are nowhere _near_ strong enough for this shi—!"

"Yar har har… yaaaar har har har haaaar…"

Leo tensed up as a laugh wafted through the air, and promptly scrambled for any shards of his blades he could grab. "Shitshitshitshi—!"

"Ahhh, cool yer flippers, ya grubby worrywart," John wheezed, waving his hand dismissively. "Ah'm done. Going back to the locker soon enough, of that ye can be assured. I'm just…" He chuckled, his grin widening minutely. "Relieved, I suppose ye could say."

Warily eyeing the immobile corpse, Leo palmed one of the shards and hopped over to the zombie, making sure to (hopefully) stay out of its reach. "What… do you mean by 'relieved'?"

"Yar…" John sighed, tilting his head back to stare into the mists. "…have ye ever heard of me, lad? Have ye ever heard of 'Long' John 'Silverteeth'?"

"Weeeell…" Leo winced, glancing to the side.

"Bah, 'tis no surprise," John shrugged carelessly, his empty gaze staring at nothing. "As ye can see, I ain't exactly young. Well, anyway, lemme make it simple for ye: In case ye couldn't already tell, I was a true pirate's pirate when I was alive. I looted, I pillaged, I swashed more buckles than I could count… from Reverse Mountain ta the gates o' Mariejois, I was the scurviest, saltiest, most treacherous sea dog to ever sail…"

John's desiccated lips twisted into a scowl as he started poking at the holes in his torso. "And in the end, it all came back to bite me in the arse when I went so far as to betray me own crew. Robbed 'em blind and stowed the treasure away, where only _I_ knew. I thought I could escape, thought I could live out me golden years in luxury…"

Leo's gaze slowly trailed down to the deceased swashbuckler's sieve of a chest. "But clearly, that didn't happen."

"Arr…" John growled morosely. "One of the most feared men o' me generation, an honest to god demon made flesh… and I was put down by me own mates, like a _DAMN DOG!"_ the pirate suddenly roared furiously, _slamming_ his fist into the ground. "THAT'S NO WAY TO DIE, DAMN IT ALL! THAT NO WAY TA END IT! TA, TA LEAVE THIS LIFE! I WAS _SOMEBODY_ DAMN IT! I WAS FAMOUS, I WAS IMPORTANT, I WAS—! I was… I…" The old pirate slowly trailed off, his voice drawing down into a whisper before he let his head hang in shame. "I… was a pirate's pirate… a man's _man…_ and they didn't even let me _die_ like one…"

Leo's gaze lightened up ever so slightly. "Death in combat."

"The only true and noble way a man can die…" John nodded solemnly, before allowing a leer to cross his face. "Well, that or in bed at the age o' eighty with me 'Long John' in—!"

"Yeahyeahyeah, we all know that one!" Leo hastily cut the pirate off, his face all but glowing.

"Yarharhar!" John cackled in amusement, eventually trailing off into a melancholy sigh. "Arr… anyway… Ye gave me the second death I never got in life, and for that I thank thee… and I've got a few things I'd like to give ye. Not like I'll be takin' them with me anyways, aye?"

"Eh…" Leo glanced to the side at the battle raging a little ways off (and the zombie that flew screaming into the air) before giving the pirate captain a nod. "Alright, but make it fast."

The zombie inclined his head, then jerked it to the side at where his swords had landed. "First off, me blades. They're just a pair o' no-named buggers, but they've got spine and spirit. Feel free ta use mine until ya find some new mates a yer own, savvy?"

"Ah…" Leo glanced at the sabres uncertainly. "Are you… sure they won't—?"

"What, 'mind'? HA!" John barked with a dash of honest humor. "They're pirate blades, lad! They don't give half a damn about who's swingin' them, just that they're in the thick of it. 'Sides, ye've got me blessing, it's fine... and ye'r in the thick of it as is, do ye _really_ have the time to be picky?"

"…fair 'nuff, what else?" Leo waved for the zombie to continue.

"Second," John complied with a grunt, sliding a circlet from his arm and holding it out. "Me treasure. This here mark will guide ya to it. Learned too late that I can't take it with me… but maybe ye can put it ta some good use. Better than letting it _rot_ in some cave, aye?"

The swordless swords-dugong gave the mark a doubtful look, but still accepted it without a word. After all, best to _possibly_ have a lead on the treasure of the century to appease Nami than to wind up empty-handed at the wrong moment.

"Arrr, alright, alright, that's good... anyways, last of all…" John grunted as he slowly dragged himself into a sitting position, wincing at the phantom pains that were shooting through his dead nerves. "A final piece of advice. A true pirate… a true man…"

With remarkable speed, his good arm reached into his jacket and withdrew a flintlock pistol. "DIES FIGHTING!" he roared, his voice full of vim and vigor as he squeezed the trigger.

Or tried to, at least. The endeavor failed, due to every last inkling of strength leaving the revenant's body.

Leo smiled lightly as he slowly withdrew his extended and empty flipper to his side. "Knew that from the second I picked up the blade, sir," he whispered with respect.

John wheezed a chuckle around the shard of metal lodged in the back of his throat. "Per… fect…"

And with that, the twice-damned Silver-Toothed Pirate departed from the world again, this time with a smile on his face.

Leo heaved out a massive breath as he wrestled his frayed nerves back under control. Once that was accomplished, however, he took enough time to glance around and confirm that there were no more immediate threats in the area before regretfully turning his gaze to the hilts of his faithful, nameless katanas. He contemplated them for several seconds, then flipped them around and planted them in the earth.

"…At least," he reflected with a quiet whisper. "It was a noble end." He gave the trio of corpses one last glance before waddling off to claim his interim weapons.

Leo hefted the sabres, giving them a few test swings to assure himself of their weight before nodding in satisfaction. He then sheathed the sabres on his back.

Then a flipper rose to his forehead and all but tore away the blue cloth wrapped as a headband. Unfolding it, he then tied the entire cloth over his scalp, slightly shadowing his eyes, and looked towards where the rest of the battle was going on.

"Okay, you two," Leo breathed softly, his eyes hardened into flint and his teeth set in a glower. "Let's go and get ourselves acquainted by _killing some fucking zombies."_

And with a flex of his tail, he was gone.

**-o-**

Elsewhere in the forests of Thriller Bark, a battle cry rose above the trees.

"FUNURABA!"

' _#77. Strong as hell, but slow,'_ Mikey noted as he ducked under a meaty tackle that obliterated an innocent tree. ' _Alright… let's try multitasking.'_ Making use of the straight _weeks_ of practice Boss had hammered through his shell, Mikey swiftly spun his left-hand pair of nunchucks into their holster before, in the same move, he drew his left pistol, aimed and fired at the zombie. The bullet sunk in - and to the dugong's dismay, it did exactly _jack_ to stop the juggernaut from ponderously sweeping around for another charge. ' _Also really toughohshit!'_

The short, red-nosed zombie, emblazoned with the #55, had, while he was dodging, crept under his guard and was now swinging up a nasty-looking uppercut. Mindful of the rotund behemoth behind him, Mikey frantically attempted to lean back while staying anchored to the ground. To his surprise, for _once_ his spine chose to comply, his vertebrae bending _just_ so so that, much like a tongue of seaweed, he _swayed_ back and was left unharmed while an uppercut whooshed harmlessly past his face.

"Huh, so that's how it works," the dugong mused as he turned the sway into a backward handstand flip that took him under another one of the big #77's swipes. Landing from that, he pushed off from the ground—

"Kekekekeke! Now, fucking monkey!"

"Who are you calling a _woohee?!"_

And was promptly grabbed by the monkey-like #80 in mid-air.

"Catch MAX!"

"Let go of me, dammit!" Mikey snapped, slamming his head back. Had he tried this even a few days ago, the blow would have met only air, but with his newfound flexibility it instead found its mark with a resounding (and embarrassingly hollow-sounding) _CLONK!_

The surprisingly strong hands that had gripped him fell away in favor of clutching their owner's skull, and Mikey took the opportunity to Tidal Swim away from the monkey in search of Hildon. The bat-like majordomo, however, had decided to hold discretion as the better part of valor, because he was nowhere to be seen.

Instead, the orange-bandana'd dugong spotted yet another unfamiliar zombie skulking about. This one was solidly built, and seemed… older than the rest, save Hildon. The black mohawk was pretty distinctive, too.

Two facts stuck out to Mikey about the revenant: that his leg was extended for some reason or another, and that there was also some sort of round object flying through the air from him to Mikey. A round, black object that, upon further analysis, once it drew closer, the dugong managed to identify.

' _Huh. That's a bomb.'_ Then the dugong's overworked brain processed that thought. "OH, SHIT, THAT'S A BOMB! TIDAL SWI—!"

_KA-BOOM!_

It was, indeed, a bomb, and one that exploded right in his face at that. Luckily, his new innate flexibility did a good job dissipating the shock wave of the explosion; the worst he got was some mild burns and a forceful expulsion from the sky, and the latter was something he was well acquainted with through his training. Another Tidal Swim killed his momentum, allowing him to touch down in front of the zombie that bore the sigil #47.

"Ahahahahaha!" the zombie cackled, pirouetting on one leg with the other held vertical in the air. "Prepare to be schooled, monsieur!"

"'Monsieur'?" Mikey dubiously parroted before letting his expression fall flat. "Oh, whatever. Just die again already."

A twitch of his flippers, and one of his nunchucks lashed out at the zombie's skull. In response, said zombie… swayed out of the way with impressive flexibility for healthy flesh, let alone necrotized.

"Oh, come on!" Mikey snapped as he pulled back his weapon, pointing an accusatory finger at his opponent. "That's blatant plagiarism!"

"Look who's talking, monsieur!" the zombie snapped back, still in his raised-leg pose. "You're a walking plagiarism yourself! At least we have the guts to admit it!"

"You don't have 'guts', period!" Mikey snarled. "And what in Sebek's name are you—!"

A blur zipped by him, and the dugong glanced to the side to find his back flipper tied to one of the trees.

"Eh?"

In a _second,_ arms, weaker than the Monkey's, latched onto his other flipper. A glance to that side showed the zombie with the large forehead clinging onto it with all his might.

"Eh?!"

"Hey. I think we should teach this punk what happens when someone messes with us on our turf."

"Yeah."

"Great idea!"

"Just punch them already, fucking brothers!" Hildon snapped from a nearby treetop.

"We're not brothers!" the last trio of zombies fired back before turning their glares on the captive Dugong. "But we can punch him!"

Now panicking slightly, Mikey tugged at the rope. Solidly attached, it didn't budge. He tried with the zombie clinging to him. That just dragged the zombie on the ground.

A rain of punches precluded any further attempts at escape.

"Kekekekeke," Hildon chuckled as the remainder of his zombie coterie joined him in watching the beatdown. "Ah, I love a plan well executed." Holding up his hands, over a dozen bat-themed cards appeared in his hands. "Too bad I didn't get to use more of my tricks! Ya-ha!"

_BLAM! BLAM! B-BLAM!_

"Don't worry," a battered and bruised Mikey intoned as four bodies dropped away from him, each featuring bullet holes in their necks and shadows soaring into the sky above them. "The fun's not done until one of us rolls out a _real_ showstopper. And so far, you've been _lacking!"_

Another blur and another bomb was deposited at his feet. Snorting derisively, Mikey gave it a hearty thwack with his tail that punted it into the trees, where it exploded harmlessly in a stream of annoyed bats. "Still lacking."

If he was worried, Hildon didn't show it. Instead, he just kept chuckling, even as Mikey kept a wary eye on the remaining zombies.

"Don't worry, seal."

"I'M A DUGONG, DAMMIT!"

Once again, Hildon threw his hands out, only this time they were loaded with machine guns and bazookas. "I'VE GOT A FEW SHOWSTOPPERS READY TO GO!" The vamp-zombie roared as he opened fire.

Every single weapon fired at once in a hail of bullets and cannonballs. The former were deflected by Mikey's nunchucks, while the latter were simply dodged. Time slowed down as his brain focused solely on evading the projectiles. And it was only due to that that he saw the _real_ attack coming: the big #77 zombie lumbering towards him and the only zombie as yet unaccounted for. Namely, #21, the one with the eyeshield on its helmet, zipping in at a speed that would have impressed Carue. Classic hammer and anvil.

But with the dugong now able to see it coming, he could do something about it. Twisting around and spraying bullets at the 'anvil' of the two, he used his other flipper to snap his nunchucks in just the right way so as to grab the fast zombie around the legs, yanking him to the ground. Another shot from his pistols sufficed to salt the zombie.

"Ya-ha!"

Then a shadow fell over him.

"Give 'em the hammer!" Hildon cackled as #77 slammed into the ground, throwing up a massive cloud of dust.

For a moment, the zombies waited, watching carefully for any sign of life below #77's big belly. When there was nothing, they let out a cheer, joined by several zombie cheerleaders that popped out of the nearby underbrush.

"Rip Tide."

That cheer was then brutally murdered in a back alley by Mikey's smug declaration. Hildon swung his eyes around to find the dugong smirking at him, even as his tail pumped out Tidal Swim after Tidal Swim to keep him airborne.

"I'll admit, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed," he noted conversationally. "But I've still got enough meat in my noggin to figure some pretty simple things out. And d'you know what I just figured out?" He began swinging his nunchucks into a _nice_ and menacing blur. "I salt you, and this whole setup collapses."

Hildon, sweating furiously, held his ground. For two seconds. Then he turned around and flew away as fast as he could. "I didn't sign up for thiiiiiis!" he wailed.

Mikey, idly dodging another punted bomb, gave him a five-second lead before kicking off the air after him.

' _Hum, I wonder,'_ he thought as he pursued the fleeing bat-zombie. ' _Is it possible to combine Rip Tide and Tidal Swim? Kick ten times off the air? Have to ask Boss about that…'_

The time for idle thoughts was soon over as Mikey came within striking range. His next Tidal Swim was not one of the simple pushes he'd done before; his tail coiled, folding as far as it would go, the muscles in his gut and back getting in on the action. This push wasn't so much a push as it was a rocket going off. Rearing back a flipper, Mikey reached Hildon with just enough time for the majordomo to look panicked before a heavy wooden stick slammed into his face with all of the dugong's momentum behind it.

_CRASH!_

Or, in layman's terms, Mikey's extra strength Tidal Swim gave the nunchuck hit enough force to send Hildon flying into and through the roof of the manor, the dugong riding the body down to the floor.

At least, until Hildon slammed into it headfirst, throwing the dugong off.

Hildon was quick to jump back to his feet, but going by the way he was stumbling about and his eyeballs were spinning like pinwheels, he was most likely suffering from a severe (if purely psychosomatic) concussion. "Weeelcome to Thriller Bark," he mumbled dizzily. "Weeee hope you enjooooy your sta—!"

_BLAM!_

Hildon's corpse crumbled into a pile of flesh and bones without even a whisper.

"Sorry, bub," Mikey snarled, smoke wafting up from his pistol's muzzle. "We're just passing through."

The dugong slowly stowed his firearm away as Hildon's shadowy soul ascended into the mist and out of sight. A brief glance to the left and right showed him to be alone, and the instant that that was clear, he flopped onto his back, allowing his screaming tail muscles a reprieve.

"Man… I knew we'd be getting stupidly strong here…" Mikey panted wearily. "But this... might just kill us first…"

He laid panting for a few moments longer... before allowing a savage smirk to cross his muzzle.

"Sweet _Horus_ I love this crew _."_

**-o-**

You know something funny? Wielding a dachshund bazooka that was shooting a continuous stream of fire, alongside an angel with her own bazooka shooting a continuous stream of fire, accompanied by a talking radio-snail and a talking fox and getting radio advice from a talking reindeer doctor, while spelunking in the esophagus of the corpse of a positively _titanic_ giant, with the assistance of many disembodied arms, all in the middle of a massive freezer in a haunted mansion on an island that was converted into giant pirate ship sailing in the scariest sea known to sentient life this side of the Red Line?

Not as much fun as you'd think.

I mean, the experience itself was _novel,_ sure, but that was it, and the novelty wore off _fast_. I mean, the stench of it all and the awkward position were bad enough, but what I _really_ hated? It was that, in _spite_ of standing a mere foot from a _pillar_ of continuous hellfire, I was still _freezing my tailbone off._ Not to mention I was possessed by an urge. An urge I was fighting, but I was also about to give in to.

"Are we there yet?" I complained. _Not_ whined, no matter what anyone else says.

" **If you're** _feeling bored FROM THE_ MONOTONY, _**I can put on**_ **A SOUNDTRACK~"** Soundbite offered, the innocent smile he was wearing doing absolutely nothing to mask the golden glints of mischief that his eyes had become.

"Does it have anything to do with the words 'fire', 'blaze' or 'inferno'?" Conis dryly asked.

Those golden glints of mischief immediately looked away, accompanied by an 'innocent' whistle. "...MAYBE?"

"Then kindly _shut up,"_ we bit out as one.

" _ **Hmph, spoil—!"**_ Soundbite started to huff, before blinking in confusion. "TURKEY?"

Conis cocked her eyebrow at my partner in confusion. "Is… that a Blue Sea expression, or… ?"

"NO, I MEAN THAT _I SMELL TURKEY!"_ the snail clarified. " **ROAST turkey at that!"**

I blinked in surprise, but a tentative sniff at the air was all I needed to confirm my partner's words - though _only_ for a second, because the _moment_ I caught whiff of whatever the hell he was sniffing, I had to clamp my hand over my nose with a groan of disgust. Yeah, that smelled like turkey alright… if it was three months old and infested with _maggots_!

"Oh, what the _hell?!"_ I gagged miserably. Sweet hellfire, like the stench of roasting pork wasn't going to put me off animal flesh for weeks as it was.

"Ergh, that is _rank!"_ Conis concurred, sticking her tongue out miserably. "What, did we hit a patch of gases or something!?"

" _Wait, did the smell down there just change?"_ Chopper eagerly cut in. " _Stop firing for a second and check the wall! There's a chance you might have broken through the flesh and reached the spinal column!"_

"Wait, really?!" I perked up, hastily letting go of Lassoo's trigger and thus allowing the mutt to shift back into his hybrid form, at which point he all but collapsed on my shoulder.

"Th… ank… goo… dne… ss…" Lassoo wheezed, his tongue listlessly lolling out of his slack maw. "I'm… gonna… sleep for a few… _days…"_

"Lassoo?" I asked in concern as he panted against me.

"He's just overheated, Cross," Conis assured me as she waved the smoke off of her bazooka's glowing muzzle. "Keeping that stream up for so long must have been pushing against his limit. You're lucky he's a living weapon; otherwise, you'd have to look out for barrel warping."

"Mmph, makes sense…" I nodded uncertainly as I helped Lassoo into his harness before scrutinizing the wall of the throat 'above' us. I was _extremely_ grateful to see slightly charred bone through the crumbling ash that had once been esophageal flesh. As I was doing so, though, a thought occurred to me. "Ah, Conis? You wouldn't happen to have a spare barrel on you, would you?"

Our gunner gave me an odd look. "Nnnooo, though I'm going to see about talking to Usopp and Franky about fixing that. Why do you ask?"

"I ask because unless Lassoo can find it in himself to hock a few of his high-calibre loogies—"

"Kiss my exhaust vent, slavedriver," my gun growled halfheartedly.

"Then we're going to have to find a way to make our way around this gaping abyss so that _you_ can blast his neck out with your Reject Dial."

Conis paled in horror before hastily slapping a desperate smile on her face. "C-Can we go with a plan C? Or D or… _anything_ that doesn't involve me _blowing my shoulder out!?"_

" _Er… an… alternative solution might be advisable, actually,"_ Chopper commented with new hesitation. " _I feel like a bit of a dumbass for only just realizing it, but…Oars' spine is as wide as Conis is tall, and most of that will be pure calcium, even denser than human bone to deal with the stresses of moving at that size. I… am honestly at a loss for just how you're going to sever it."_

"Er…" Conis and I exchanged uncertain glances, _trying_ to come up with an answer between us, but… yeah, we had nothing.

Well, thankfully we were saved from having to come up with an answer because someone else did it for us.

" **MY TIME TO SHINE!"**

I snapped a shocked look over my shoulder. "Soundbite!?"

" _You know it!"_ my partner in madness cackled before glancing upward. "CHOPPER! MY BIOLOGY'S A BIT RUSTY— _READ, NON-EXISTENT—_ **but basically speaking, this lug's** _ **spine should be one chain of barely interrupted bone, YAH?"**_

" _Eh... it's a bit more complicated than that, but for our purposes, yes."_

" **PERFECT! And, follow-up** _question... frozen as this bastard is, HE WON'T CRUMBLE_ _ **if his spine as a whole ceases to be,**_ AYE?"

" _Eeerrr...?"_ Chopper coughed uncertainly. " _I... would_ not _recommend sticking around in there longer than you have to if that were the case, but apart from that... you_ should _be fine? Trust me, this is not even_ remotely _something I have experience in."_

"Soundbite, what exactly are you planning?" I asked, cautiously winding my line around my arm and slipping my headphones on in preparation for whatever the hell was about to happen. The fact that Conis didn't even need to be prompted to do the same was not very reassuring.

Soundbite bared his teeth eagerly as he affixed the 'ceiling' of the throat with a smirk. "BRACE YOURSELVES, _mes ami._ _ **THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET**_ **very, very..."**

And just like that, it felt like the air in the throat stopped _dead._

" _ **Quiet."**_ Soundbite's maw widened malevolently even as he started to grind his teeth together. It was subtle at first, but bit by bit the surrounding air started to _vibrate._ No, not just the air. _I_ was vibrating, right down to my bones.

" **GASTRO-BLAST,"** rumbled a legion of the damned.

The screeching that followed was… it was beyond words. It penetrated past the ears, past the brain and rammed straight into the very _soul_ , threatening to shake it loose from its metaphysical housings. And _somehow?_ It managed to actually get _louder._ And louder and louder and _louder_ until finally— _!_

_CRACK!_

The ceiling of mottled white above us _splintered_ like a pane of glass.

" _ **Stereo Edition,"**_ Soundbite buzzed in an exhilarated tone of voice.

I stared at my partner in awe before casting a fearful glance around as tremors started to shake the thrice-dead flesh we were surrounded by. "Sooooundbiiiiite, what the _hell_ did you just do!?"

" _Ooooh, ya know,"_ Soundbite leered faux-innocently. "NOTHING TOO BIG… ' **cept for shattering this FAT BASTARD'S C1-7!** _ **Good luck trying to get him to SO MUCH AS SCRATCH HIS ASS!"**_

Conis gaped at my snail in awe. "Soundbite, I officially take back every last mean thing I have _ever_ said about you."

" _EH!? YOU'VE NEVER said shit_ **about me!"**

"Ah…" Conis froze up for a moment before plastering a sheepish grin on her face. "Riiiight, I… never actually said those things aloud, did I? Aheheh… any chance we could just strike the last minute or so from the record?"

"THE HELL WE CAN! _**What the hell**_ **did you—!?"**

" _Whatever argument you're having,"_ Chopper cut in with no small amount of urgency. " _I recommend you do it_ outside _of the zombified super-giant that just got its central structural support neutered. Just a reminder."_

As if on cue, Oars' entire body creaked ominously, all of us exchanging nervous glances at the sound of ice cracking.

"Yeaaaaah, probably a good idea," I nervously agreed, our gunner and I already starting to make our way back up our respective lines. "Anything else? Any word from the front lines?"

" _No battle updates, I'm afraid, or at least nothing really that pertinent…"_ the doctor assured us... before causing us all to tense as he switched to a tone of voice that caused Soundbite's grin to widen to utterly mad levels. " _ **But I, on the other hand, have learned something**_ **quite** _ **interesting from Hogback. Something I think you'll be**_ **extremely** _ **interested in, Cross…"**_

"Ah..." I exchanged wary glances with my partner. "'Interested' in what way exactly?"

Somehow, Chopper's grin somehow managed to stretch even _wider._ " _ **The 'extreme amounts of collateral damage' way."**_

"…well," I slowly matched Chopper's grin tooth for tooth. "You're right, good doctor. That _does_ sound extremely interesting."

Soundbite swallowed heavily before swiveling his eyestalks to glance at Conis. " **Would you believe** _ **that there's a curse from CROSS'S WORLD THAT GOES**_ ' _May you live in interesting times'?"_

Conis swallowed heavily as she glanced between me and my snail's borrowed mouth. "Yes, Soundbite. Yes, I _very much_ would."

**-o-**

"Ragh! Stand still you little leathery shit!"

"Not on your unlife, blubber-butt!" Raphey taunted casually as she swayed back like a strand of kelp, Gallant Hippo's sword harmlessly swishing through the space she'd occupied. The instant the blade was lodged in the soil, she snapped back up and lashed her sais out, using one to trap the blade in place and the other to stab several holes in the patchwork palaver's hide before it managed to wrench itself free and leap back, putting some distance between it and her. Still, for what little damage Raphey had managed to cause the zombie, she still felt she'd managed to accurately measure the zombie's worth.

And quite frankly, she was _not_ impressed.

The Wild Zombie commander, Gallant Hippo, certainly had power and was fast for his size, but whoever'd gotten their shadow ganked to grant him his sword abilities had _no_ idea how to fight a smaller, nimbler opponent with short weapons.

Sure, the longsword-and-buckler combo was well suited against other swordsmen or someone with a longarm, but if her opponent were still alive he'd have likely passed out from blood loss by now, and that was only if he'd managed to avoid acquiring a nick in his femoral artery.

In short? The female of the TDWS had complete confidence in the fact that she could take him.

_THWACK!_

"GAGH!"

Then Lola flew past her and Raphey was harshly reminded of the _other_ opponent she was facing, who she felt _distinctly_ less confident about.

"You okay, Lola?" Raphey called out tersely, parrying Gallant's continued assault with one eye while keeping an eye out for her other rampaging opponent with the other.

"I'm not out yet!" came the Lola's only slightly dizzy reply, followed by the sound of someone hocking a loogie. "Ah... though I _really_ need to get off this island soon to see a dentist, 'cause I'm starting to run outta-!"

" _RAAAAAAAAGH!"_

" _Woahshit!"_

Raphey ground her teeth in irritation as Zola suddenly charged by her, murder in the warthog's eyes. Her mortal counterpart only barely got up her blades in time to initiate a lock. Hastily weighing her options in face of the war-hog's (and no way in _hell_ was that a typo) fury, Raphey came to a decision.

"Sorry, bub," she snarled up at her leather-necked opponent, causing him to twitch in irritation. "But I!" She parried his downward swing to the left. "Don't have time!" Another parry, this time to the right. "To play with you!" A 'relatively' simple six-foot dead leap above a leg-high (or tail-high as it were) slash. "ANYMORE!"

"Yooooou!" Gallant Hippo snorted out a nostril-load of steam, his rage spiking to the point where he threw his shield aside and strangled his sword's hilt with both hands. "Play with _THIS!"_ And with that, the zombie lashed out with a titanic overhead strike.

An overhead strike that Raphey met with a defiant smirk. " _Gladly."_

An _inch_ before the sword met her skull, Raphey snapped her flippers up, sais crossed and offset _just_ so…

_SKRANG!_

So that the oversized blade slipped neatly into the gap between the weapons' prongs and the central shafts of her sais. With her newfound leverage, all it took was a simple twist-and-jerk of her weapons and Gallant Hippo's sword snapped between the weapons like a dry twig.

Gallant Hippo wasted any chance to counter by holding his sword up to his face and staring dumbly at it. Complete with the dropped jaw. Raphey had enough savviness to wait to roll her eyes until _after_ she'd lobbed a lump of salt into the gaping maw, but it didn't diminish the exasperation she felt.

"Well, that was disappointing," she groused. "Seriously, what's a chick gotta do to get a decent fight around—"

"—aaaaaaaaaa—"

The dugong blinked in confusion. "—here? What the—?" All of a sudden, Raphey's instincts blared on high alert. She ducked her head—

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

—and winced sympathetically as Lola flew clean over her and slammed clean into the trunk of an admirably sturdy tree. After sparing her newfound ally a sympathetic glance, Raphey hesitantly turned around and swallowed heavily as she came face to steam-snorting snout with Zola, whose eyes were positively _blazing_ with an unholy rage.

"Oh, the things I do for a good fight," Raphey groaned, slowly raising her sais into a defensive guard. "Hey, pigsticker!"

Zola's unholy rage, originally split between her and Lola, fully shifted onto the dugong, who couldn't help but allow herself a shiver. But even in face of such fury, Raphey said what she needed to say.

"Your warts have some hog on them."

Granted, what she needed to say wasn't exactly the _smartest_ thing to say, but going by how steam practically _blasted_ out of Zola's ears, it had the desired effect.

" **Gon' kill you! KIIIILL YOOOOOU!"** Zola roared, swinging her blades overhead at Raphey, who responded by raising her sais to meet them in a rehash of the maneuver she'd pulled on Gallant Hippo.

That course of action turned out to be a rather grievous mistake.

Two blades meant half the leverage from each sai, and with Zola abandoning all pretenses of technique and subtlety in favor of berserker rage, victory now came from brute strength rather than skill. And in the end, no matter how disproportionately strong Raphey and her fellow dugongs were, there was no way in hell she could win a direct clash of muscle against someone who outweighed her almost ten times over. As a result...

' _Badtimebadtimebadtime!'_ Raphey mentally chanted as she was forced to backpedal, reduced to ineffectively flailing her sais in an effort to stave off the storm of blades and paying for her head's continued connection to her body with an alarming number of dents. ' _Okay, so maybe making_ all _enemies_ _angrier isn't a valid tactic after all, I know this now. Now if only I could actually find a way to_ survive _this fuckup so that I can actually_ apply it!'

Luckily for the pink-bandana'd dugong, before Zola could either overwhelm her or break her weapons, Lola—battered and bruised like hell but still kicking like a mule—came charging out of _nowhere_ , her own blades lashing out in a flurry of slices and stabs that bit deep into her undead counterparts necrotized flesh. It _would_ have been impressive, if not for one small problem: Zola wasn't _stopping._

In fact, the zombie found it in herself to lash one of her swords out and send Lola skidding back a few feet before renewing her onslaught on Raphey's guard.

Still, despite the rain of blows, Raphey still managed to lock eyes with Lola as she stabilized her footing. The pirate captain stared back, an unspoken message passing between them.

' _Separate attacks are useless.'_

Lola, her footing regained, hastily ran behind Raphey's steady retreat and prepared herself. Then, as Zola raised a sword to cleave Raphey's skull open like a rotten melon, it was met not with a sai but Lola's crossed blades. Gritting her teeth, the dugong took the opportunity to jam snag Zola's sword with her sai and twist her blade anew. Thankfully, for all that the warthog's swords were larger and of better quality than Gallant Hippo' arms, you could only make a sword so strong with conventional steel and the sword swiftly shattered under the longitudinal strain.

Down to one sword, Zola had to actually _defend_ for the first time since the fight began, Lola's twin blades seeking out stitches while Raphey dug a packet of salt out from her shell and prepared it for lobbing, an eager grin on her muzzle.

"Aaaaalright, now hold still, you _swine…"_ she muttered, tracking Zola and Lola's back-and-forth. Zola did _not_ hold still, but luckily she was also rather predictable in her burning rage, so it wasn't long before Raphey got the pattern down. "Just... a bit... _Gotcha!"_ Snapping her flipper out, the dugong let the salt fly. The packet flew true, entering Zola's mouth mid-howl and resulting in the zombie immediately slumping bonelessly to the ground.

"Yes!" the dugong whooped, dashing over to where Lola was catching her breath and raising her flipper. "High-one, sista!"

"Ye—! Ah… wait a second..." Lola's whoop died in her throat mid-handraise. "Uh... Raphey? You... salted her, right? Then... where's my shadow?"

Raphey paused, blinking in confusion. "Eh? The heck are you talking about, it's right… ah…" The blood evacuated her face as she replayed the last few seconds through her mind. "It's... uh... wait a seco—"

"Tusk Coronet!"

Both fighters whirled around just in time to catch a tusk in the side, the sharp bones digging into their flesh as the sheer force of the impact, plus a head-buck from the zombie, sent them both tumbling.

"I've got you now!" Zola crowed, slashing her weapon furiously even as she yanked the salt-packet out from the gap in her teeth where it had gotten caught. "You're gonna pay for insulting me! You'll wish you'd never said that there isn't a blue ribbon big enough to convince anyone to marry me!"

"No one said that!" Raphey snapped as she shakily pushed herself onto her tail. Unfortunately, in the face of the hog's undaunted charge, all Raphey could do was ineffectually fling her sai at the zombie before dodging to the side. The weapon clanged harmlessly off of one of Zola's tusks, but she didn't even try to change course due to her rage being focused entirely on—

"Lola!" Raphey shouted at her comrade in arms, who'd been disarmed in the impact and was, more importantly, _standing right in her zombie's path of destruction._

Lola, for her part, could only flinch, clutching at the gaping wound in her side as she watched the impending doom bearing down upon her. Her face twisted up in uncertainty and anguish, but then her eyes set in iron-willed determination and she… _anchored her stance and spread her arms wide!?_

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU—!? _RIP TIDE!"_ Raphey barked, taking off after the charging warthog. Even as she did so, though, she knew she wouldn't make it. She just _knew_ that she wasn't anywhere near good enough with the move yet to get that much distance in one Rip Tide. Zola would get there first, smear Lola all over the dirt, and then do the same to _her_. Raphey had to do something, _something—!_

And then, just like that, _impact._ Pirate and zombie met...

"RAAAAAA— _WHA!?"_

And to Raphey's shock, Lola didn't even _budge_. In fact, the captain had managed to grab hold of her shadow's zombie by the tusks, and was even managing _hold it back!_

"Raphey!" Lola shouted, freeing one hand to grab her zombie's upper jaw. With a _shove,_ the skull wrenched in half with a loud _SNAP!_ " _NOW!"_

The dugong, coming out of her Rip Tide, acted instinctively before she could even begin to formulate a question. Her flipper practically blurring, Raphey withdrew another salt packet and, after making sure it was partially open this time, tossed it into Zola's gaping maw.

This time, the warthog properly gagged before slumping in Lola's arms, her umbral soul spilling from her mouth and _immediately_ pooling at the ground beneath Lola.

The pirate captain shakily let go of the freshly dead corpse, staring at the barely visible imprint she was casting before sinking to her knees, tears of joy streaming down her face. Slowly, shakily, as if she couldn't believe it, she ran her fingers over her shadow, her soul, _herself_. "Straw Hats… I will never, _ever_ be able to repay this debt."

"Yeahyeahyeah, time for that later, now hurry and give me your hands!" Raphey snarled as she rushed over to her ally and grabbed her wrists. "Sweet Sobek, that maneuver was gutsy as all hell, but it sure wasn't _smart!_ We need to get these things bandaged ASAP!"

"Wha- _ah!"_ Lola flinched as she tried to wrench her hands free of the sea mammal's grip. "T-T-That's really not necessary, I'm totally fine, you don't have to-!"

"The hell I don't!" Raphey snapped as she tried to get a look at the pirate's hands. "I mean, seriously! After something like that, your palms must be ripped to-!...shreds?" The dugong trailed off, boggled at the sight of Lola's _totally_ uninjured palms. Heck, they were better than alright, they were... they were _pristine!_ As gleaming and solid-looking as though they were wrought of pure steel, even!

Wait a minute.

"What the—? Powers?! But Cross never said anything about you... but this looks like armo—!…wait... armor... _Armame—MMPH!?"_

" _Shhhhhut up!"_ Lola hissed desperately as she kept a hand clamped over Raphey's muzzle, her head on a swivel, cold sweat coating her from head to toe. "Don't use that word, don't you _dare_ use that word or any others like it about me! I've worked hard to keep it a secret, but the trees and walls _literally_ have ears, and if anyone finds out about it, my life is _forfeit!"_

"Mmm- _bwah!_ Thanks..." Raphey gasped in relief as she was released before pinning Lola with a confused glare. "And what the hell do you mean 'forfeit!?' You have H— _that!_ That means you're practically invincible, especially in Paradise, right?"

"Right and wrong!" Lola growled out miserably as she yanked at her pigtails. "Yes, _that_ is fantastically strong in the weaker seas, _but that's the problem!_ _That-_ users outside of the New World stick out like sore thumbs, so if anyone looks into me they'll find my name, and if they find my name, then _they_ find me, and then… then I'm _dead!"_

"Er…" Raphey tilted her head in confusion. "'They'?"

Lola chewed at her lip before hanging her head with a defeated sigh. "My… My family, alright? If word gets back to my family about where I am, then they'll come for me. And then, they'll… they'll…" She lapsed into an uncomfortable silence.

"…that bad?" Raphey asked quietly.

An overtone of horror overcame the pirate captain as she swallowed heavily. "If I never see most of my family again before I die," she said in a slow and deliberate tone of voice. "Then I will die _very_ happy."

Raphey was silent for a few seconds before nodding firmly. "Your secret is safe with me."

Lola sighed in relief, her whole body uncoiling as the tension exited it. "Thank you…"

"Thank us all later," Raphey waved her off as she started to turn towards where the rest of the fighting was taking place. "For now, that's one more shadow down, a _load_ more to go. Let's get back to it!"

"Agreed!" Lola nodded, slamming her palm into her fist.

The two made to move forward, and almost immediately they both slumped down onto the ground, clutching their sides in pain. "After we take a second to fix the fact that we're bleeding out," Raphey grunted.

"Agreed…"

**-o-**

Glancing back to confirm that the zombie he'd been fighting wasn't in sight, Donny leaped up into the nearest tree, his lack of Tidal Swim doing nothing to slow his ascension.

"And those bastards…teased me…for learning…parkour," Donny huffed in frustration as he balanced on a branch, leaning against the tree trunk while he caught his breath. "But… my rage against them… will be _fucking nothing…_ compared to what I'll do to Cross… _if he knew about this ELEVEN-TIMES-DAMNED—!"_

"SO! Hiding up in a tree, eh?! Thinkin' it's all safe and sound? LEMME SHOW YA SOMETHIN'!"

"Oh _fuckme,"_ Donny groaned breathlessly, his expression turning bland at the steady thumps vibrating up the trunk of the tree. Several seconds later, the vibrating stopped, and he deadpanned, "Timber" as his perch slowly tipped forward.

The dugong barely reacted as the tree crashed to the ground, unceremoniously dumping the amphibian onto the unforgiving ground. Snorting, he flipped himself onto his tail to face the grinning, ax-crazy zombie, staff at the ready.

"As you can see!" Bill laughed heartily as he leaned on his ax. "You must be _veeeeery_ careful when you're on the battlefield, because ya never know when a random lumberjack might decide to wander along and decide 'ta break into a musical number straight outta _MONTY PYTHON!"_

Donny's eye twitched furiously as he tried and failed to parse that statement. "Who the hell is—!?"

" _BUUUUURP!"_

"— _WAGH!?"_

The dugong let out a yelp of terror as he hastily dove to the side to avoid a gout of flame that charbroiled the space he'd been occupying a second ago.

"Urp! Oh, excuse me!" Bill coughed as he smacked his fist against his chest, lit up by the flames peeking out from under his ribcage. "Shouldn'ta eaten' that there West Blue cuisine before fighting! Spicy buggers, it feels like my insides are on fire!"

" _THEY_ ARE _ON FIRE, YOU CRAZY SON OF A BITCH!"_ Donny howled, his patience ground down to almost nothing.

Bill glanced down at himself, blinking in apparent surprise at the flames burning in his midsection. "Huh. Wouldja look at that, so they are. Well, you know what they say! _CONSTANT VIGI—!_ "

" _Rip Tide!"_ Donny snarled out, _slamming_ his tail into the ground and launching himself at the incendiary revenant.

"Ah, jogging!" Bill sniffed primly, his only reaction to his opponent's disappearance being to step back and stick his foot out. "A noble pursuit! But ya always gotta be on the lookout for roots!" Donny, locked in his blur of speed, didn't notice his target's relocation until he hit his intended destination, by which point it was too late and Donny was sent sprawling tail over teakettle. "They're sneaky buggers, AIN'T THEY!? Never see them until you're SNAPPED UP LIKE A SNAPPER AT A SEA KING BAR MITZ—ah, whoops!" Bill lifted his leg and blinked at the blatant _absence_ of a foot at the end of his leg. "Weeeell, looks like _I'm_ the one on the backstep now! _HAH HAH HAH HAH—!"_

"Oh, will you _give it a rest already?!"_

"— _GWAH!?"_ Fire Zombie Bill yelped in shock when he was suddenly face-to-face with close to fifty pounds of pissed off dugong swinging his very large and very heavy stick at his head. It took all the speed the General Zombie had to snap his ax up and keep up with the Dugong, fending off blow after blow from the student.

"Let _me_ tell _you_ something, you literal _flaming_ _idiot!"_ Donny snarled in the revenant's face, his adrenaline allowing him to forge through the heat the living pyre was giving off. "You are the most infuriating, reckless, whacked-out _nutjob_ I have ever had the sheer _displeasure_ of fighting, and _that_ is damn well saying something!"

"I'm sorry to hear that, sonny boy!" Bill replied, voice dripping with insincerity. "In fact, that—!"

Donny's staff jamming into his throat tragically aborted _that_ line. "I said," the dugong bit out, shoving the General Zombie onto his back. "Give. It. A rest. Because on top of all that stuff I just said?!" The dugong leaped into the air, his staff raised above his head and ready to strike his foe down once and for all via the salt paste on the weapon's tip. "YOU'RE NOT _FUNNY!"_

"Not… funny…?" Bill parroted as his opponent came down from the sky, sounding bewildered. "Not… funny…"

All at once, a change came over the zombie. Stiff tension drained away, and the underbite grin fell away into a light, flat smile. Languidly standing, his hand shot out, grabbing Donny's staff before he could react.

"What the—GRK!"

And in one fluid motion, the other hand lashed out, flaming fingers searing Donny's flesh as he bodily rammed into the nearest tree.

"Bitch," Fire Zombie Bill's mouth drawled, darkness and murder oozing from every decibel. "I am _hilarious."_ The zombie's arm then swung out to the side and flung Donny halfway _through_ another tree.

Taking a minute to shake off the pain and dizziness, the dugong groggily pulled himself up. One look at the advancing Bill, his head held low and ax dragging in the ground as he slowly stumped his way towards Donny was all he needed.

"Nope!" he declared. "Rip Tide!"

Blurring from existence, he reappeared behind a nearby tree. Poking his around the trunk, he saw Bill paused several feet away, glancing about.

"Okay…" he sighed in relief. "Right. How am I gonna beat this guy? This super strong… super crazy zombie… with a fire ax…" Groaning, he slumped onto his flippers. "Oh, this is gonna suck. Why couldn't Leo be here? Or hell, Raphey, or even _Mikey!_ _They'd_ be all over this shit!"

"Well, you're right about that."

Only Donny's prone position saved him from the ax biting into his snout. Instead, it sprayed splinters everywhere on its way to cleaving straight through the tree he'd been hiding behind. Slowly, the dugong glanced up at the grinning, flame-wreathed face of the ax-wielding devil himself.

"You don't strike me as the type to enjoy something like this," Bill drawled, raising the ax.

"Shell Body!" Donny hastily yelped, crossing his flippers. And none too soon, the ax screaming down to slam into the iron-hard guard.

Sadly, 'mere' iron turned out to be inadequate to the task. Axe and body collided with a loud clang, the head biting slightly into his flippers. Donny flinched from the trench rent into his limbs, and Bill didn't give him time to counter. Instead, he raised the ax, dugong still attached, and slammed them both into the nearest tree.

"Argh!" Donny yelped, both from the pain of his collision with the tree and the ax head biting an even deeper crevice in his flippers. "Son of a—! Back! _Off!"_

"Sure." And just like that, a boot planted itself in Donny's sternum and wrenched the ax from his flippers, leaving Donny to slump to the roots, cradling the rent flesh of his arms.

"Argh..." Donny groaned, glancing up in confusion. "Wha-? W-Why did you—?"

"Weeeell, you see..." 'Bill' replied, swinging his ax up and balancing it behind his neck. "The thing is, at the moment, I'm... a bit at a loss, really. I don't usually have to… ad-lib this much, usually have time to plan my routine..." The zombie's manic grin widened as he took a step towards the prone dugong. "So! What I need you to do... is _run_."

Donny blinked. "Run?"

"Yes!" Bill swung his ax out and pointed it into the woods. "Run. Flee. Abscond. Whatever verb you want to use, I don't particularly care. Just… do both me and yourself a favor, would you? Be creative about it..." He swung his weapon down so that the blade was hovering _right_ in the middle of Donny's face, madness glinting in his rotted eyes. " _Or else."_

Donny stared with bald-faced shock at the zombie. He was… giving him a chance to run? Why would—?

The sudden appearance of the zombie after he'd fled the first time popped up in his brain. Right, because he could do that and it looked like he was _seriously_ sadistic. Still, Donny wasn't about to look more time to live in the mouth, however furtive. But how to be creative…?

"What would everyone else do?" he muttered under his breath, internally grateful Bill seemed to be inclined to wait for the moment. Though the way he was running his finger over his ax's blade did not exactly inspire what one would consider 'confidence'.

Unbidden, an image of Leo popped into his head, blades drawn and a determined look in his eyes. " _Well if it were me, I'd just chop him up, easy-peasy!"_

'… _yeah, save that I have neither the tools nor the skills to actually_ do _that, you sword-con.'_

An image of Boss popped into his head, chest puffed out and his cigar pointed straight at him. " _I'd hit him hard enough to knock his head off his neck!"_

' _If I could do that, I'd have done it already!'_

Boss faded away, to be replaced by Raphey, who was sporting a wide smile and giving him a thumbs-up. " _I'd use you as bait and run!"_

Donny's expression actually fell flat at that. ' _Gee, thanks.'_

" _Heh, no prob… heeeey wait a minute, I'm a representation of how you view the real me… YOU JACKASS, YOU REALLY THINK I'M THAT MUCH OF A BITCH!? WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M GONNA—!"_

Donny hastily derailed _that_ train of thought in favor of conjuring Mikey into his mind's eye, smiling as though he'd just come up with the best prank of all time. And the idea he proposed was…

Donny blinked in surprise. Of all the things he'd been expecting, it sure as hell wasn't an idea that was… honestly not that terrible.

" _SCREW YOU, ASSHOLE!"_

Jerking out of his thoughts, Donny snapped his attention up, took a swift survey of his opponent and identified the _one_ point on Bill's body that _wasn't_ on fire: his (presumably) fireproof helmet.

"As Mikey always says, if it's stupid and it works," the intellectual amphibian muttered, moving his tail into position. "Then it's not stupid. Rip Tide!"

Bill sighed as the dugong zipped away. "Spoilsport. Fun while it lasted though. Ah well, plenty of other intruders to—" He paused, his eyes narrowing as he saw Donny throw his staff into the ground and then landed on it, the wood bending alarmingly. "Hmm."

What bends back must return, and so the staff snapped forward, hurling Donny at Bill, the latter of whom raised his ax to block. Instead of getting chopped in half, though, the dugong managed a graceful flip in midair and landed on Bill's helmet.

"RIP TIDE!"

And then kicked off again, soaring off into the forest while simultaneously sending Bill for a loop - which in this case meant twisting his skull around a full 180 degrees.

Bill, for his part, was left stumbling around as he tried to synch his newly disjointed perspective with his body. Or rather, his body stumbled around while his head tried to direct it appropriately.

"No, no, left. Left, you ignoramus! Just reach up and twist me to the left! Nonono, _my_ left! Mmrph, this is why I'm the brains of this operation…"

Far away (but not too far), Donny leaned against a tree, a silly grin on his face. "That worked… I can't believe that worked!" The grin promptly died painfully when he realized he was missing something. "...ex _cept_ that I left my staff behind, _damn it, Mikey!_ Ergh..." He kneaded the bridge of his nose miserably. "Great, just great, that's gonna make this even harder…"

'This' being _beating_ Bill. Not an easy task, even _with_ his staff. The only plan he could think of was drawing the ax-crazy zombie to someone who could actually beat him…

Slow clapping sounded out through the clearing. "Well! I gotta admit, that _was_ creative. Props!"

Buuuut it looked like he wouldn't have time for that. Gulping, Donny angled his head back to stare at Bill as he loomed over him, preemptively preparing his Shell Body.

"So," the zombie stated, tapping his fingers on the handle of his ax. "Wanna see a magic trick?"

For a brief moment, Donny pondered saying 'no', but one look at the crazed zombie's grin killed that idea stone dead. "Uh... sure?"

A coin flashed into Bill's free hand, an odd silver piece with one side marred by a jagged 'X'. "Got this from an old friend," the zombie informed him, twirling the coin between his bony fingers. "Now, I'm going to make this coin… disappear." And just like that, the coin vanished.

Worse, Donny couldn't tell where it'd gone, and he was pretty good at spotting sleight-of-hand tricks. Then Bill reached for him, and the tension ratcheted up another order of magnitude. He stayed still, eyes, on the ax, as his opponent grasped something at the back of his head…

_WHAM!_

And then Bill pulled Donny's head into his knee.

"GAGH!" Donny wheezed in agony as he reeled back, the pain centered around the _chunk of metal_ he could feel lodged square between his eyes.

"There we go…" Bill drawled as Donny stumbled back, his mind spinning as he tried to grasp at the coin lodged in his freaking _skull_. "That'll do. Let's mop this up so that I can have some time to plan out a _real_ schtick! But for now?" The blazing revenant's grin widened as he raised his ax above his head. "It's time to _cut_ and run!"

"Grgh... Shell... Body..." Donny mumbled out dizzily.

The axe came down, and _bounced_ off of Donny's skull, the sheer recoil actually wrenching the zombie's arm out of its socket.

The dugong's eyes refocused, and he smirked victoriously at the disarmed zombie. "Steel Hermit variant."

Bill blinked stupidly, taking in both his lack of a limb and Donny's still intact skull and as he did so a change came over the flaming revenant. In an instant, he stood upright again, the light in his eyes changed and he let his jaw jut out to an almost comical level.

"Yeah, that's always a problem!" Bill - the original, _comical_ Bill - stated casually. "Y'go out to chop some wood, you raise your ax, ya miss, and hit your foot!" He paused, thinking. "Or a rock, which knocks your arm off. That could happen, too. Ah well!" He raised his remaining hand in order to shoot Donny a two-fingered salute. "Be right back with my arm and more helpful tips for how to survive a war zone! Hang tight!" And with that, the blazing zombie loped off into the underbrush after his limb.

Donny blinked as he processed the turn of events. ' _OK, so the good news is that the... I'm guessing_ shadow _is back in control, meaning I'm no longer dealing with a sadistic psychopath who wants me dead. Instead, I'm dealing with a lunatic who_ acts _like a sadistic psychopath whose antics are_ going _to kill me, unless the original mind takes over first and splits my freaking_ skull _in two! WHAT THE HELL DO I DO-!?'_ Donny hastily rapped his 'knuckles' against hi shead _. 'Alright alright alright, no more freaking out... just... just think, just think. Just think of how the hell I'm supposed to outsmart... that...'_

Almost as soon as the train of thought ran through Donny's mind, he slowly turned his head to observe the flicker of flames that indicated Bill's return.

' _Dumbass,'_ Donny finished, heaving a defeated sigh. ' _Well… if Mikey's way worked once, may as well try it again.'_

"GEEZE!" the dugong exclaimed at the top of his lungs and with more cured pork than he'd ever risk letting into his voice with Luffy around, _just_ as a newly whole Bill emerged from the underbrush. "This fight is _really_ wearing on!" He ghosted his hand over his shell, ensuring that he garnered Bill's undivided attention. "I'd better have a snack to keep up my energy!"

Moving fast, Donny reached into his shell, pulled something out, and the _second_ his hand was halfway to his mouth, Bill all but _blurred_ over to him and snatched the object out of his flipper.

"Mid-battle snack, huh!?" the zombie barked, looking over the riceball he was holding. "Innocent doodad, ain't it? A nice and yummy treat ta get yer spirits up! LEMME SHOW YA SOMETHING!"

Without further ado, Bill tossed the snack in the air and swallowed it in a single gulp.

"Mm, tasty!" Bill crowed, rubbing his belly. "What was in it?"

"Ooooh, you know, the usual." Donny crossed his fins behind his head as he _ever-so-innocently_ swayed back and forth on his tail. "Rice, a bit of seaweed, some salmon…" A malevolent glint lit up the dugong's eye. "And _salt."_

The Fire Zombie froze up mid-rub, his eyes shooting wide in shocked realization. "UH-OH!"

_BOOM!_

"GAH!" Donny leaped back in shock and terror when the zombie's cranium suddenly _exploded_ in a geyser of umbral essence. "What the _hell!?_ Damn it, even in double-death, that bastard just _cannot_ do anything even _remotely_ normal, can he!? Urgh…" The dugong glanced down at the chunks of… _being_ that were sprayed over his shell. "This is gonna take forever to wash out…"

"Hey, he took down Bill!"

"Oh, come _on_ …" Donny groaned, turning to the crowd of zombies that had just walked out of the underbrush with a somewhat-rusty stance for unarmed combat. "Alright, bring it on, you—!"

The zombies surged forward, Donny tensed, ready for combat, and then blinked in surprise as said zombies surged _around_ him, instead going for Bill. Drawing axes, swords, and other sharp instruments, they descended on his body, hacking, and bludgeoning and just _ravaging_ the body until it was little more than a stain on the ground. The dugong could only stare throughout the process.

"Soooo…" Donny drew out at last. "I'm guessing he _always_ acted like that?"

"Yes," one of the zombies spat. "Hopefully, _this_ will make sure he _never_ comes back again... though..." He hung his head with a despondent sob. "I'm _really_ not counting on it. Not after the killer dolphin."

"Or the rabid coyote pack!"

"Or that extreme chili con carne contest!"

"Riiiiight…" Donny muttered, a hefty drop of sweat hanging from his skull "And... what about me?"

"Meh, we don't care," another zombie grunted dismissively. "You're all screwed no matter what we do to you, so we couldn't care less. For now, we're gonna break into the alcohol stores and celebrate that we've _finally_ gotten us a reprieve! _See ya!"_

Donny briefly toyed with the thought of pointing out how logically alcohol wouldn't do much to long-necrotized gray matter, but he reconsidered in light of the fact that, to reiterate, he was speaking to individuals _with_ necrotized gray matter in the first place. After all, at the moment, he had far bigger fish to fry.

"Starting with where the _hell_ did I leave my staff…" Donny muttered, scratching the back of his skull.

**-o-**

Boss sighed as he gazed into the fog shrouding Thriller Bark. "Y'know," he mused conversationally. "When I came out into these seas, I expected two things: that I'd grow stronger, and that I'd get a lot of great fights. I've sure as heck gotten the first, can't complain about that, but the second…"

Idly hopping back, he watched as a multi-armed zombie wearing a cracked and triple-eyed mask dove past him, claws swishing through empty air.

"Case in point, there's you," Boss continued reassuringly, waving his cigar at the zombie. "I mean, you're not _bad_. Those extra limbs are an interesting gambit, after all, and you don't see armblades like that often. And heck, compared to those fishmen in Mock Town, or that zipper guy, you're pretty good." He absentmindedly patted a trio of thin red lines in his side. "Hell, you hit me! Not many people can do that, y'know! Now, c'mon." He chomped down on his cigar and pounded his fists together eagerly. "No more playing around! I want to fight you for _real!"_

Despite the mask, Boss had the distinct feeling that his opponent was trying to incinerate him with his glare.

Boss blinked in surprise as the beri finally dropped. "You... actually _were_ fighting for real, weren't you?" He dropped his head into a bow. "My sincerest condolences."

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU PITYING ME!?" the zombie roared, jumping straight for him, blades raised.

Boss' entire demeanor shifted, a vicious glint shining in his eye. "Because you _deserve it."_ And with that he swayed under the strike, swung his hook about the zombie and then Rip Tided away, dragging his opponent along for the ride. Upon coming to a halt, Boss gave his rope dart an extra firm yank, accelerating the General Zombie's airspeed to the maximum.

"Squall Pistol," Boss smirked sadistically as he reared his 'finger' back. "Water Spout Shot!"

The self-identified Jorogumo's flight ended with him getting all but impaled on Boss' 'finger'. He only remained in place for a moment, though, as the _second_ Boss's brawn overpowered his momentum, the zombie was sent _careening_ back into the nearest tree… and then through it to slam into the one behind it… and then onto the one behind _that one._ Needless to say, beyond a few scant twitches and spasms it _couldn't_ have moved even if it wanted to.

Boss observed his opponent's downed form for a few moments before scratching the back of his skull with a defeated sigh. "So disappointing," he groaned. Then he blinked as a dozen gun barrels were shoved in his face. "...well, this is certainly _one_ way to make a guy feel special." He glanced around at his newest set of opponents, but stopped and grinned when his gaze happened to go upward. "Too bad _I_ won't be your dance partner at the moment. Shell Body."

The zombies blinked, their confusion lasting just long enough for a black sphere to land between them—

_BLAM!_

—and detonate, sending solid rock salt scything every which way. Every zombie surrounding Boss was simultaneously shredded and unshadowed, and those who were further away got no reprieve as several hundred pounds of frustrated cyborg slammed into them like a certain prototype train engine.

"Grrragh, I'm starting to get SUPER pissed here!" Franky growled in aggravation as he mowed down line after line of zombies. "This is like the Bridge of Hesitation all over again! Except those bastards had the decency to _stay down_ once you hit them enough!" The statement was backed up by how for every zombie Franky knocked down two got up, almost twice as pissed as before.

"No kidding—Typhoon Lash!" Boss barked, the razor wind kneecapping several zombies. That _still_ didn't stop them, as the cadavers just swapped to crawling. "Gah, the one time I find a doggedly persistent opponent and they're just _annoying._ Hey, you're taller than me, any clue how the rest of the fight's going?"

Absently backhanding a zombie trying to sneak up on him, Franky flicked up his sunglasses and looked around. On the one hand, Lola's crew was trying desperately not to get overrun by the zombies, exhaustion and a steady depletion of salt badly hampering their efforts. Hell, even Merry, previously occupied with treating the many wounded, had waded into the fight, using one of the bigger zombies as a club. On the other hand, the rest of the Straw Hats were steadily grinding their way through the horde, though even there, the image of the Bridge of Hesitation continued to assert itself. Vivi was huddled behind Nami's Eisen Cloud, clutching her ribs with a visible wince and even _Zoro's_ meatgrinder impression was fast losing momentum.

"Not good," the cyborg grunted, spinning the nunchaku again to clear some space. "Lola's crew is barely hanging on, and Zoro's group will probably stop advancing soon. Hell, the only reason we haven't been completely buried in bodies is—!"

"BAROOOOO!"

"GUM-GUM STAMP GATLING!"

"Yeah, that."

The 'that' in question was Funkfreed in full elephant mode rampaging through the crowd of zombies, lashing out with nose, leg, and razor-sharp tusk. The elephant was putting on a particularly good showing, most notably through profligate usage of his latest technique—

"PACHY-RIOT!"

Which used the Jet and Water Dials that had been installed in the elephant-sword's hilt to _blast_ a stream of high-pressure water out of the Zoan-weapon's nose. Unfortunately, the water wasn't salt-infused due to the combination making Funkfreed nauseous, but even unsalted, the blasts of liquid were sowing immense disarray amidst the zombie's ranks. Honestly, between Funkfreed's mass and the SWAT-levels of liquid being utilized, Luffy riding on the elephant's back and Stamping any zombies he could reach almost seemed like overkill.

…though since no matter what the Straw Hats and their allies did there always seemed to be more of the bastards waiting in the wings, 'overkill' was a completely foreign concept for the situation.

"Dammit, when am I gonna get a good one-on-one match?" Boss groused, lassoing a half-dozen zombies and swinging them out to bowl over a cluster of the undead. "I'm tired of fighting sardines, and the Generals are just _trout_ in comparison! That zipper bastard was decent, but not _nearly_ enough to give me a proper challenge, and besides, that was a month ago!"

"Is this really the time? Weapons Left!" Franky snapped, explosives scorching another pack of zombies to well done.

For a moment, Boss didn't respond as he decapitated the walking dead. "Sorry," he eventually replied with a sigh. "Not the time, I know, I'm just a bit… _frustrated_ is all. I feel like a hamster on a wheel. It doesn't matter how hard I try, I just don't _get_ anywhere."

Franky paused for a second before returning to his bashing with a sigh. "Yeah, well, unless something changes fast we're stuck on wheel with- _GAH!"_ The cyborg was cut off by a zombie popping out of the soil and clamping onto his leg. "Agh, dammit, get off!" he shouted, comically hopping on one foot as he tried to dislodge the stubborn corpse's death grip.

Boss, sighing explosively, moved in front of Franky to cover him. He only had time to get off one Typhoon Lash before an entirely _separate_ vacuum wave flew by and decapitated several fores, followed swiftly by four bodies landing in front of him.

"Let's try this again!" Leo declared, pointing a saber skyward. "HELP! HAS ARRIVED!"

Boss blinked in surprise at the development before swiftly scanning over his students. He took in Leo's borrowed blades, his battered face, and bruised neck. He took in Mikey's own bruises, mixed with shiny burns. He took in the crudely bandaged, bleeding wound in Raphey's side, and her sai, dented to hell and back. And finally, he took in Donny, his flippers bleeding, his face one big bruise, and his staff nowhere in sight. Not to mention how all four's tails were quivering with sore, exhausted muscles.

Once he was finished taking stock, Boss stood to attention and puffed his chest out firmly. "Boys!" he called out, feeling a twinge of gratification at just how fast the apprentice martial artists snapped to attention. "You all look like shit. Go get patched up by Merry before you all keel over! Especially you, _Raphaela_. Don't think I don't notice that _sucking wound_ in your side."

" _Rip Tide!"_ all four dugongs yelped, blurring out of existence.

"Ahhh," Boss sighed, allowing himself to sag in relief. "Exerting control over the younger generation, is there no better stress relief?" He then perked up with newfound energy. "Welp—!"

Before he could return to the fight, though, a commotion from the distant mansion caught his attention. He glanced over, and his jaw hit the dirt and his eyes tried to throw themselves out of his head.

And from the way all sounds of combat had just _ceased_ , he wasn't the only one.

**-o-**

"No. 4 on the list of things I've always wanted to say!" I proclaimed as I stood atop my mount's skull, arms crossed defiantly. "The cavalry has arrived!"

It was _immensely_ gratifying to me to see the entire legion of the dead, the unfeeling immortal army that my crewmates had been fighting, freeze with more horror than they inflicted when they caught sight of me. Or, far more likely, they froze on account of my rather _atypical_ mount. Of course, my crewmates' identical reactions were equally gratifying and far more amusing.

Anyway, I _could_ have urged my mount forward and mowed the enemy down then and there, but hell, where would have been the fun in that? As such, I took the better option.

"ZOMBIES OF THRILLER BARK!" I announced, flinging my arms out wide.

Which is to say, I grandstanded like a _champ._

"Allow me to take this opportunity to clear up two misconceptions that you might have! Misconception the first!" I held up a finger for all to see. "You all might think that I am currently riding atop an undead cybernetic Tyrannosaurus Rex! This is categorically false!"

I widened my grin as I raised one of my feet from the skull of the long-dead titan lizard I was riding. "The truth is that I am riding atop an undead cybernetic Tyrannosaurus Rex…"

I _rammed_ my heel into the small of my mount's skull.

" _ **SKREEEEEOOOOOOONK!"**_

And it promptly reared back and let loose both an _iconic_ roar straight out of Spielberg's films _and_ a flesh-searingly intense gout of flames.

" _That breathes fire!"_ I cackled malevolently, Soundbite joining me in howling like the suicidally crazy morons that we were.

Honestly, there really was _no_ other course of action after fusing Hogback's cutting edge technology, Chopper's explosives, the necrotized tissue that had clearly been harvested from Little Garden, and a few million volts. Really, now. If not like that, then how the actual _fuck_ were we supposed to react when we were charging into battle on the back of a zombified _, cyborg,_ _Tyrannosaurus Rex,_ the likes of which would make Harry Dresden eat his heart out - _that also breathed fire?!_

I have to say, I was _very_ proud of just how brightly Luffy's eyes were lit.

But still, before I could properly assault the enemy with our gamechanger, I really _did_ need to set the mood.

"Misconception the second!" I bellowed out with Soundbite's aid, regathering the zombie's attention to my second raised finger. "Some of you might be optimistic in light of the fact that you are mostly beyond the bounds of mortality! I intend to correct you all from this grievous error in judgment by asking that you consider this one simple question!"

I ground my heel into my ride's skull, prompting it to lower its head and _glare_ at the zombies as it rumbled out a growl, both its organic yellow and mechanical red eyes glowing with pure malice as oil and saliva dripped from its fangs.

"Just how 'deathless'," I leered tauntingly. "Do you _really_ think you are?"

Slowly, _ever_ so slowly, the zombies looked away from the monstrosity before them, and at each other. Two seconds, they exchanged looks. And one second later, they promptly fled for the nearest nonexistent haven.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," I smirked victoriously before raising my fingers and letting loose a _resonating_ SNAP! "CHARGE!"

" _ **SKREEEEEOOOOOOONK!"**_

And so, as I rode my _undead fire-breathing cyborg T-Rex_ into battle against a _zombie hoard,_ I did the one thing I could do.

...honestly, do I even _need_ to spell it out at this point?

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"/ "HAHAHA _ **heeheehee**_ **HOOHOOHOO** _ **HAAAA!"**_

Didn't think so.

**-o-**

Vivi gaped at the scene through a gap in Nami's Eisen cloud.

Cross. Riding a T-rex. A zombie cyborg T-rex. That breathed _fire._

Honestly, the fact that Conis, Usopp, Robin, and Chopper were using their own specific methods to take down zombies from behind the heels of said T-rex barely even registered.

It was a miracle that anything could have caught the princess' attention at that time, but something most certainly did: a clinking sound caught her, that of glass against stone. Unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but it was there. Curiosity piqued, Vivi glanced down to see a glass bottle rolling her way, some sort of liquid sloshing back and forth in it. Leaning down, she picked it up, popped off the cap, and gave it a sniff. The scent of organ-killing grades of alcohol assaulted her nostrils, and before she knew it Vivi was the bottle to knock a drink back.

Only for a set of deceptively strong fingers to deftly pluck the bottle away.

"You are _not_ developing a habit," Nami flatly stated as she scrutinized the booze.

Spluttering for words, Vivi finally just swung her hands towards Cross' rampage. "He is riding a zombie cyborg T-rex!" she protested weakly.

"That breathes fire."

"CRAM IT, ZORO!" Vivi spared a second to snarl.

Lola snorted as she took advantage of the lull in the zombie's decorum to rendezvous with her allies. "Fair warning, Princess: If something like that bothers you now, you're going to rot your liver out by the time we reach the New World."

"But—!"

"Uh, Vivi?" Carue cut in with a raised wing. "Cwoss is fighting a zombie apocawypse while widing a fiyah-bweathing undead cybowg T-Wex. Ahnd winning. I think yoah awgument is invawid."

Vivi's rant froze in her throat, and after several seconds trying to force it out she slumped over in despondent defeat. "Yeah, alright…" she sobbed.

As the zombies around them fell into desperate panic, Nami was directing her Eisen Tempo to conjure up a credible impression of a porcupine. Except instead of quills, she was bristling with flesh-vaporizing lightning. So... not really like a porcupine at all.

In any case, the sound slowly shook Vivi out of her self-pity, and she glanced up just in time to catch sight of _Nami_ taking a deep draught from the bottle.

"Hey!" Vivi snapped, pinning her ranking officer with a glare. "What the hell happened to not developing a tolerance?!"

"I already have a habit _and_ a tolerance, so I'm good," Nami replied with a catty grin, taking another swig without a hint of remorse.

"The hell you-!" Vivi started to protest, before turning contemplative as a thought struck her. "Actually, how high _is_ your tolerance, anyway?"

The navigator graced the Princess with a smug look. "I could down a hundred of these things and not feel a thing."

The princess' lips promptly pursed, her finger wavering for a moment longer before slowly retracting. "Okay, yeah, you're probably in the clear…" She then glanced around at the sheer anarchy raging around them. "So… what do we do now?"

"Eh..." Nami waved her hand side to side. "Not to beat an undead horse but... seriously, cyborg zombie dinosaur. Honestly, at this point, with the way they're going?" She held up a trio of fingers. "I give these dead-heads half an hour, at most."

**-o-**

In truth, it took us _ten_ minutes to mop things up. Ten minutes of uninterrupted, unmitigated, and utterly _undaunted_ carnage the likes of which I doubt Paradise has ever seen before in all its many years of piracy. But, unbelievable or not, it was simply fact: In ten minutes' time… Thriller Bark fell silent.

Victory was… honestly a bit disturbing, I will freely admit. I mean, it was one thing to wade through a bunch of KO and groaning enemies, but this... well, this time I was literally walking _on top of_ _a sea of_ _bodies._ Between the smell, the footing, my own mind ranting at me that I was walking on what had once been, for the most part, _people,_ and the various watchers wandering around and stabbing corpses at random, occasionally freeing the shadows of zombies we'd missed… yeah, never had a Straw Hat victory tasted so gruesome.

The ever-present gloom and doom of the Florian's fog wasn't doing us any favors, either, but honestly, that was _kind of_ a positive seeing as we didn't _need_ it anymore. At least that was one aspect of the celebration we weren't missing out on: the sheer _joy_ of victory. The Rolling Pirates were all celebrating, cheering and dancing ecstatically at the retrieval of their umbral counterparts, and the prospect that they once again had the freedom to live in the sun.

I decided to try securing such joy for myself as I moved over to where the rest of the crew was gathered. Soundbite on my shoulder, Lassoo on my back, and the other twenty all gathered in an area reasonably devoid of corpses, with Chopper fussing over everyone.

"Well, Cross… this may have been rough, but if we're comparing this to Enies Lobby, I think you should try flipping the script more often," Nami muttered, slowly flexing her stiff shoulder.

"Yeah!" Luffy nodded eagerly, the motion and exuberant mood making for a weird image when combined with the hockey mask he was _still_ wearing and the chainsaw that was _still_ affixed to the end of his pipe. "This was _really_ fun, Cross! Especially the dinosaur! I get to ride it next!"

"Heh, you look pretty cool too, Luffy!" I grinned at him. "And don't worry," I jerked my head back at where my mount was rooting through the battlefield, looking for anything it could consider to be fresh. "That thing's _not_ shadow-powered, so you'll have ample time to ride it!"

Luffy perked up eagerly—

"We are _not_ taking it with us," Nami blithely ordered.

Aaaand deflated just as fast. "Awww…"

"I still can't believe that there's even the _possibility_ of it coming aboard…" Vivi groaned, dragging a hand down her face.

"Neither can I, and I actually _built_ it!" Chopper agreed.

"Well, even if it's staying here, I know one thing for sure..." Mikey nodded solemnly... before shooting his flipper up with a grin. "I call next ride after Luffy!"

"Wha—!? Hey, no fair, I wanna go next!"

"No, me, me!"

"No way, _I'm-!"_

" _FWEET!"_

"GAH!" Everyone flinched when a sharp whistle suddenly pierced the air, and we all traced it back to its impatient and... _diminutive_ source.

"Sorry to kill the mood, but I just gotta know before we _really_ get into the swing of things," Merry groused as she fingered her crunched nose. "Is there anything else on this island that you forgot about in the briefing, Cross? Anything we gotta handle?"

"Eh…" I scratched my chin thoughtfully as I cast a glance about the battlefield. "I… don't think so? But I could be wrong seeing as this has been hectic as hell to keep up with, so let's do a quick rundown. Trapped shadows, including those of the Rolling Pirates and our new musician?"

"Restored," Brook confirmed with a tip of his hat.

"And whatever ones aren't will be soon," Boss added, gesturing back at the corpse-stabbing Rolling Pirates.

" _AIN'T A LOT LEFT,_ _ **and those that are still on the island**_ **WON'T ESCAPE ME FOR LONG,"** Soundbite vowed.

"Alright... Certainty of Oars never moving again, shadow or not?"

" _It would take more work than Hogback will ever do on a corpse again,"_ Chopper said vindictively before thoughtfully (and _normally)_ tapping his chin in thought. "Not to mention more calcium than I think he could get in a lifetime."

"Absalom?"

"If he's in any state to fight again before we leave this island, I'll eat my Lion Cutters," Vivi said, before wincing and scratching her gut. "One punch from Luffy would have finished him off when Nami, Merry, Carue, and I had done our best. And when Sanji took over… well." She left it at that.

"Perona?"

"Worst case scenario, she'll wake up in a couple of hours; I'll go reinforce the sedative on her once I finish treating the Rolling Pirates," Chopper assured.

"Sounds good. And all that that leaves is—"

" _ **MASSIVE, MASSIVE TROUBLE!"**_ Soundbite suddenly screamed, all of us jumping and all of the Rolling Pirates looking around in shock.

"What are you—?" I began.

"What… is this."

And with that, my words died in my throat.

Slowly, fearfully, I turned on my heel and beheld a most terrifying sight.

Paler than his already ghost-white norm, twitching and hyperventilating from sheer rage, and sporting a particularly incensed look in his eye, Warlord of the Seas Gecko Moria stood at the foot of his manor, taking in the absolute _annihilation_ of the army he'd been pinning his hopes and dreams on for the past decade.

"Straw… Hats..." he breathed, veins pulsing in his forehead and grotesquely thick neck. "You... _You... You..._ "

All around me, I saw my crew and our allies dive for weapons, prepare their attacks. I also knew that they wouldn't be anywhere _near_ ready in time.

" _You_ …" Moriah snarled, more and more veins springing to life on his form, encroaching even into his eyes as his entire being shaking. " _You... YOU... YOU... YOOOOU—!"_

And then, suddenly, Moriah _twitched_ and fell silent.

It was truly a spontaneous thing: one moment Moriah was building into a rant, obviously gearing up to go Blugori-shit on us, the next his entire being just seemed to jerk and he… stopped. His face was still the same, his expression the same, but he was just… frozen.

Then, ever so slowly, he bowed his head, placing his face in his hands, and starting to shake. Slowly at first, but stronger and stronger, until his whole body was vibrating in place.

And then…

"— _hishishishisihi…shishishishi…"_

It started. It was... light, at the beginning. Just barely there, just within our range of hearing. I had my _suspicions_ about what it was we were hearing, though I really, _really_ wished I was wrong. But I was _forced_ to acknowledge the truth when Moriah suddenly flung his head back and _howled_ with laughter.

" _KISHISHISHISHISHI! KIIIIIISHISHISHISHISHISHIIIIII!"_

Because truly, that was what it was: a _howl_ of laughter. Gale after gale of _terrifyingly_ deranged cackling flew forth from the unhinged warlord, and deeper and deeper did it drive a dagger of fear into my heart.

But none among us was more terrified than Soundbite, who legitimately turned a pasty _white_ on my shoulder.

" _No…"_ he croaked, horror and terror inundating every syllable as he shivered in place. " _Nononono,_ _ **this can't be happening, CAN'T BE HAPPENING…"**_

"What is it, Soundbite?" I hissed out of the corner of my mouth, unwilling to take my eyes off Moriah for even _half_ a second.

My snail swallowed hard, barely capable of getting the words out. " **HE FIGURED IT OUT…"**

And just like that, I couldn't move. Part of that was from every drop of blood in my veins suddenly transfiguring into liquid nitrogen.

" _CROSS!"_

But I'm _pretty_ sure the rest was from the jagged thorny _vine_ of a shadow that had burst forth from a gap between corpses and ripped through my side before I knew what was happening.

There... wasn't any pain to it really. Just, one second the vine wasn't there, the next it _was._ I _tried_ to grab at it, but I was a bit distracted by the mouthful of blood I suddenly coughed up. That was... inconvenient, because it made it difficult to speak.

And... And I _had_ to speak, I know I had to because I needed to tell my friends something important. I needed to tell them to... they had to...

"Run..." I gurgled.

But too late.

Too late because the next second, Gecko Moria snapped his head down so that he was staring at us all with eyes full of malevolent, absolutely _soulless_ rapture.

" **Niflheim,"** he whispered.

That word caused the suddenly too-dark shadows to _erupt_ in motion.

That word set in motion the ultimate nightmare of Thriller Bark.

**Patient AN: Mm-hmm. That just happened. Moria was a New World veteran capable of matching the apparently invulnerable Kaido before he got lazy. And he just got the power boost he needs to be that threatening again. Will it be too much for the Straw Hats to handle?**

…

…

…

**Put it this way: this is our cruelest cliffhanger yet. But the one at the end of the next chapter is going to be even** _**worse.** _


	2. Chapter 2

### Chapter 57: Crossing the Rainbow Mist

### Chapter Text

**Crossing the Rainbow Mist**

**Cross-Brain AN: The following tale takes place after the Ice Hunter arc but before Thriller Bark.**

I'll always remember this particular day. No matter how crazy things got, how close we came to dying, how much I got hurt, how much my actions affected things… quite simply, _nothing_ this half of the Red Line could be more memorable than this day.

As per usual with the most extraordinary of our adventures, the day started off unusual, but not too remarkable: I woke up earlier than I normally did, early enough that only the earliest of early birds were awake. Even Soundbite was still asleep. I had taken the opportunity to slip down to the kitchen and fix myself a hot cup of cocoa, and then moved to the roof of my radio room to watch the sunrise.

Everything seemed to be perfectly calm, and one of the better mornings I'd had so far. A comfortable perch on the roof, a nice mug of cocoa, a perfect, beautiful view of the sun rising on the morning mists, painting it every color of the—!

_PFFFFT!_

"FRACK!" I howled in horror the moment I'd finished spewing my drink, dropping inside my room and running to my desk.

" _Mmm, wha…?"_ Soundbite's eyestalks blearily poked out of his shell as I wrenched the master-board open. " **Wha's goin—?!"** His question was stifled as I wrenched my transceiver out of its slot and triggered every pipe on the ship. " _ **SONNUVA—!"**_

_**BWAAAAAAAAAH!** _

Whatever my snail was about to say, it was cut off by my blaring my foghorn throughout every square _inch_ of the Thousand Sunny - which, going by the sudden roaring of Sunny's framework, not even _he_ appreciated.

Soundbite remained in post-flinch tension a few seconds longer before cracking his eye open and letting his eyestalks sag in relief. " _Oooooh thank Goda_ **it worked.** _ **It's official:**_ **I LOVE MY AWAKENED ABILITIES!"**

" _WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN!"_ the crew roared right back.

" _Did I miss the memo? Is it my birthday?"_ came Usopp's grouchy voice. " _Because if it is,_ I don't find this very damn funny!"

" _Ooooh, I don't know,"_ Merry snarled. " _Personally, I think I'm gonna be_ howling _with laughter once I start_ bouncing our third mate's head OFF THE—!"

"CRAM IT, THE FUCKING LOT OF YOU! WE'VE GOT BIGGER FUCKING PROBLEMS THAN YOUR FUCKING BEAUTY SLEEP!"

A stunned silence fell over the ship, which I filled with my desperate panting and wheezing.

" _Cross, what's wrong?"_ Nami asked, both concern and urgency tinging her voice.

Pulling my thoughts together, I swallowed my panic and mustered up what little wits I had left. "Bogey off the port bow," I grit out.

" _Alright, let's see what's… eh?"_ Boss' voice trailed off into confusion. " _The heck?_ _Cross, what's wrong with a little morning mist? Heck, I'd say the colors are beautiful… aheh, ya know, in a manly way."_

" _Wait… oh, God, y-you don't mean…_ the Rainbow Mist?!" Vivi choked in horror, suddenly sounding _very_ awake.

"The one and only," I confirmed "And for those of you who don't know it, lemme give the cliff's notes: what's coming down on us is an eldritch temporal _clusterfuck,_ and if we sail into that thing we're liable to wind up on the wrong side of either the last century _or the next one._ In short…" I drew a deep breath before bellowing at the top of my lungs, "ALL HANDS ON DECK! _NOW, DAMN IT, NOW!"_

When the sounds of rapid movement came across the connection, I knew that I didn't need to say more. Stashing the transceiver in its bag and putting it and Soundbite over and on my shoulders respectively, I left my room and rode down to the deck, where everyone was rushing into place, Merry even going so far as to hitch a ride on Carue to get to the helm as fast as possible and Nami looking at the sky and muttering to herself. As the last of our crew filed onto the deck, Nami's… surprisingly calm shout rang out.

"There's an island off the port bow, Merry. Turn the ship ninety degrees south and head for land."

"Aye-aye, turning the ship ninety degrees south and heading for land! Aiming for the cove in the shoreline!" Merry parroted, and Sunny rumbled in agreement as he shifted about. Nami took the opportunity to give me a flat look.

"Cross, were you really in too much of a panic to see that there was an island right there? You could have handled steering Sunny yourself, couldn't you?"

I winced a bit at the reprimand, but I was just as quick to bounce back with a scowl and a jab of my thumb towards the encroaching fog, which I didn't even have to _look at_ to know what it was doing. "Yes, but I'm not sure I could have handled being _chased."_

" _What!?"_ Nami barked, darting over to the railing and leaning over the edge.

I followed her at a more sedate pace, and grimaced as I watched the Mist hang on tight to our ship's tail. "I'm not just worried about this thing because of the time-space fuckery it's got going on, Nami," I solemnly informed her. "I'm worried I'm almost convinced that that thing is _alive_ , on some level _._ This isn't a Paradise menace; this is something that's clawed its way clean across the Red Line."

Nami swallowed fearfully, casting a doubtful glance at the sandbanks of the island's cove as we sailed past them. "B-But… if that thing's alive and chasing us, then how the hell are we supposed to escape it!?"

I grinned as Merry drew in Sunny's sails. "By taking advantage of one of the few ironclad rules of the Grand Line. What happens at sea…"

My grin widened as the Rainbow Mist drifted to a lazy halt at the cove's borderline, curling and swirling maddeningly but advancing no further.

" _Stays_ at sea," I nodded in confirmation. "The Rainbow Mist is a purely _maritime_ menace that preys upon vessels at large, and it can even come into port, but it _does not_ make landfall." I shot a victorious smirk at Nami. "Good thing the crew had enough forewarning to get us to safety in time, huh?"

" _RESPECT!"_ Soundbite barked.

Nami sighed in defeat, casting a wary glance at the hostile case of crypto-meteorology that was lurking behind us. "Fine, your excuse of it being an emergency stands for using that stupid horn to wake us all up. So!" She clapped her hands together, drawing attention from the whole crew to me. "Any idea how long we'll have to wait here before that damn stuff shoves off?"

"Yeah!" Mikey piped up in agreement. "We had a Sea King hunt planned for noon!"

"I wanna bust some scale-skulls!" Raphey nodded alongside him.

"Eh…" I frowned as I tried to recall an arc I hadn't been a big fan of in the first place. "From what I remember… well, as I said: on some level, the Mist is alive. Chances are it'll only shove off when it's good and ready to. One time it was only in an island's port for about an hour, but… anywhere from an hour to a day."

"Awww!" Luffy groaned, leaning his head back. "C'mooon! That fog stuff's pretty and all, but I wanna get back to sailing! Can't we just go through it? What's the big deal?"

"You did hear the words ' _eldritch temporal clusterfuck',_ right!?" Usopp demanded incredulously.

"Er… well, besides the fact that I doubt Luffy knows what those first two words mean—" Conis interjected.

"I don't!" Luffy cheerfully confirmed.

"—I'm a bit curious myself of what the danger is," our gunner continued with a helpless shrug. "I mean… getting lost in time? How does that work?"

"I'm not clear on the mechanics of that place myself," Robin answered, her head bowed and her chin in her hand. "But I do know some of the lore of the Mist, thanks to the existence of a series of books concerning it. According to the books, the Rainbow Mist is meant to act as a gateway of some sorts, transporting to a mythical 'Land of the Gods' known only as Ape's Concert."

"'Land of the Gods'," Su repeated in equal parts eagerness and fear.

"'Land of the Gods'!" Merry giggled ecstatically, all but vibrating in place.

"'Land of the Gods'?" Franky asked doubtfully.

"Land of the Goooods!" Luffy squeed, a massive grin stretching across his face.

"'Davy Jones' Locker', more like," I snorted grimly. "Don't get your hopes up, people: Ape's Concert is nothing more than a dimensionally lost roach motel of a ship's graveyard. That place is a complete and utter—!"

" _GOLD MIIIINE!"_

" **Sonnuvabitch!"** /"GAH!" Soundbite and I both yelped when Nami suddenly _squealed_ at earshattering levels and sprouted a _very_ luminous pair of beri-eyes.

"Countless derelict ships from all across time, gathered in one spot, _with their cargos intact!"_ Nami cackled ecstatically, a not-insubstantial line of drool escaping the corner of her lip as she gazed upon the Mist. "Sooooo much gold! Jewels! Pure _treasuuure!_ I-I-It must be in the millions! The hundreds of millions! _The billi—"_

" **Snap out of it!"**

_SLAP!_ "YEOW!" Nami flinched as her own palm slammed into her cheek before shooting a grateful look at our resident princess. "Thanks for that."

"Ooooh, don't thank me yet, because I'm not done saving us from your greed yet!" Vivi huffed, grasping our navigator's shoulders and staring her dead in the eyes. "Nami, I actually _met_ the author of the Rainbow Mist books, and he told me about his experiences in that place! The reason why you don't hear more about the 'Land of the Gods' is that it's a _trap!_ Anyone who enters the place becomes unable to leave it because of space itself keeping them from exiting! Time loses all meaning, because people within the Mist neither age nor grow hungry! The timeless years drive people mad, and they either escape through sheer luck like the author, or they _kill themselves!_ Trust me, Nami, when I say that there is _no reliable way_ to emerge from Ape's Concert in one piece!"

I bit the inside of my cheek at that. My reaction was on account of the image of a certain tower all but harpooning the Mist coming to mind, but there was no way in hell I was gonna tell—!

"Cross just flinched," Su blithely stated as she examined her paw.

"YOU FURRY LITTLE BI—!" I _tried_ to jump at the fleabag so that I could wring her neck…

"Cross."

"—GAH!"

Buuuut that dream was put on hold by my leg getting snatched out of midair, and our resident witch using an iron cloud hand to plant me in front of her, a neutral expression on her face.

"Given how much treasure is at stake here, I'll make this easy for you: tell us what you know, and I'll stop compounding the interest on your debt."

"I—w-wait, what was that?" I choked as I processed what she had said.

"I'm not going to decrease it, but I'll stop increasing it from now on if you tell us how we can get in, get the treasure, and get out safely," she repeated.

The crew all looked surprised to varying degrees, but I hardly noticed as I considered it. If there was a cap on the debt, then I actually had a chance of paying it off before I started to sport liver spots. Still… was that worth the risk of whatever could be waiting for us in that fog?

"Just for the record, here's where you currently stand," Nami added, handing me a piece of paper. I took one look at the bottom line before crushing the page in my hands.

"RIGHT! LET'S RAID US A TEMPORAL HELLMOUTH!" I barked, spinning to look at Merry. "We need an anchor to the outside to get back. In the story, a villain used a huge tower to bridge our world with Ape's Concert. But seeing how close the Mist is to the shore, we can probably pull it off with Sunny's anchor chain."

"Wonderful!" Nami said sweetly, turning towards the fox. "Su, you'll get a full percent of whatever we find in there."

"Yes!" Su pumped her paw triumphantly.

"I should've known you didn't do that out of the goodness of your heart," Conis sighed.

"Yeah… you want half of my cut?"

"As I was saying, I love you _very_ much, my darling Su!" Conis squealed as she swept her pet up in a hug.

"Hang on just a second," I piped up.

"Cross, the deal is off if you talk us out of this," Nami warned.

"That depends entirely on how much _you're_ willing to risk, Nami," I said seriously. "Even if we have a way out, the place is _still_ more warped than Kizaru's sense of justice! If we're not careful, we could wind up having brunch with our great-grand-descendants! And yes, I _know_ that none of us have kids, _that's_ the degree to which this place is whacked out of its non-existent mind!"

There was a pause.

"WORTH IT!"

I was not surprised in the least when Nami confirmed our choice. Well, if things still went crazy, they couldn't say I didn't warn them.

And so, with that final decision having been made, we started to ready ourselves to delve into the spacio-temporal abyss that was the Rainbow Mist. I could only hope that things wouldn't get _too—!_

…aaaaah _shit._ That's it, I'm doing that seminar on tempting fate, come hell, high water, or every Sea King in the Calm Belt! If only so _I don't keep getting mixed up in these situations!_

**-o-**

Mist rose around me in every direction, thick as cotton balls. It made keeping my footing difficult; the wood was wet and slippery. Sounds were muted, when there were any to be heard at all. The impaired visibility didn't help things either. Claws dug into my shoulders; Ruatha was _not_ pleased that I kept skidding and sliding across the wrecks. I flicked him on the snout.

"You could always get down and walk by yourself, you know."

"Roh." The claws loosened, although they were replaced by a tail tightening around my arm. I sighed. The dragonet seemed determined to inflict bodily injury upon me; had ever since we'd come to this eerie place.

"Or better yet, you could've stayed on the ship. I don't need your help for this; Ghin would've been more useful, or even Johnny or Yosaku. I mean, what can you do if I fall in? Whine at me?"

"Vii!" My questions were answered by a wing-slap to the face and a pair of sad blue eyes. I spat out a mouthful of scales- Ruatha must be molting or something, because he'd been shedding worse than a longhaired cat heading into summer lately.

Actually, in hindsight, a Devil Fruit user going out alone into what appeared to be a mess of shipwrecks was probably a bad idea. But the mist had risen up so quickly, too thick for Nami to find a way through the oceanic graveyard… We needed boots on the ground. Or water, as it were. So half the crew had split up and was wandering around in search of a path through the derelict hulks, while the other half stayed with _Merry_. We'd rolled my dice to see who was in which group; this resulted in possibly the worst available combination, as Luffy, Zoro, and I were all on the away team. But Luffy took off before Nami could demand that we reroll, or even that the explorers be in pairs- which meant that Zoro was now lost and we had two fruit users with no one to rescue us if we fell.

Not that I was going to fall in, bad footing or no.

With Ruatha now pouting and silent, the sound of my footsteps was the only thing to be heard, the hollow thudding of sneakers on wood. And even that was muffled. There was something… _off_ about these mists; the deadened sound was only part of it. Then my hand met my forehead as I remembered- eerie mist, collection of shipwrecks… Ape's Concert. _Tabarnak_. Great, just great. Not only did we have to find a physical path through the wrecks, we had to figure out how to get back to our own _time_ as well. How were we supposed to do that without a DeLorean?

Plus, weren't we supposed to encounter the Mists _after_ Alabasta, if at all? I groaned and turned my middle finger in the direction of the Fourth Wall. Damn writers and their meddl-!

More footsteps, not mine- I wasn't alone. Heavy and metallic, like someone wearing armour. And they were moving fast. What at first looked like yet another broken figurehead approached through the mist, resolving itself into a young man in dark clothes, much taller than me. I caught a glimpse of blond hair as he raced past. Blinking slowly, I followed him with my gaze until he disappeared into an open door on one of the other wrecks. Huh. Wonder where he was going in such a hurry.

Well, to each his own. I shrugged and got back to figuring out where I was and how to get back to the _Merry_. Or at least, I tried. Not thirty seconds after Blondie scrambled out of sight, there was a tremendous crashing, splintering noise from the same direction he'd come from. It was followed by a great sucking splash. A shadow fell over the wreck I was standing on.

A wall of silver-blue scales rose above me, a massive body tipped in an angular head. Teeth the size of swords dripped salt water as dark eyes scanned the shipwrecks. Barracuda sea king. _Merde_. My stomach decided to vacate my body via my knees- right at the same moment the sea king saw me. And decided to go all _Finding Nemo_ prologue on my ass.

"Osti d'épais de marde!" I jumped out of the way as that huge head crashed down where I'd been standing. Getting far enough away used most of the charge I had left from sparring with Ghin last night- not that I could hope to fight something like this alone regardless. Okay, maybe Blondie had the right idea.

"Hold on, Ruatha! We're using the Sir Robin maneuver."

"Scra?"

As much as I hated running from a fight, it was the only thing to do. This wasn't a _real_ fight anyway; I was _prey_ , not a combatant. I spun on the ball of my foot and took off in the same direction as Blondie had gone. Hopefully there would be somewhere over there to hide, or a cannon or something. And until I found something like that, discretion was—in this case—the better part of valour.

I didn't expect to see Blondie again; with his longer legs and head start, he should've been well ahead of me, even in the unlikely event that I _did_ end up going in the exact same direction. So you can imagine my surprise when I found him paused on the deck of half a barge. And he must've heard me coming, since he was facing me when I skidded to a stop.

"Nice weather we're having, ain't it? Neverending fog, just gotta _love it."_

I stared at Blondie, trying to figure out if he was serious. And my crewmates thought _I_ was insane. At least I acknowledged the presence of danger, even if I did end up thumbing my nose at it and jumping in anyway most of the time. "Um… Hello? Earth to tall person? Is the thin air up there shorting out your brain? What in the Nine Hells is a bloody barracuda sea king doing in this part of the Grand Line?"

Blondie's expression mirrored Luffy's 'Are you an idiot?' look with _astounding_ precision. "Hello right back, this is the _Grand Line,_ lady. You know, the stretch of ocean sandwiched between their breeding grounds and packed to the gills with their favorite snack? You can skip a stone and nine times out of ten you'll hit one of them!"

" **The tenth just means** _ **you missed them!"**_ the snail on his shoulder cackled.

Wait… his snail was… talking? Well, yes, it was a Den-Den Mushi and they were supposed to talk, but that weird voice mashup sure didn't sound like any call _I'd_ ever heard. I stared at the mollusk. Well, there was only one logical explanation for that. I almost winced at the realization that I now automatically put those supreme avatars of BS in the category of _logical explanation._ Almost. "…I'm guessing the inverte ate a Devil Fruit?"

Both snail and Blondie rolled their eyes. "Finally! Somebody gets it!" Was it just me, or was Blondie somehow expressing both relief and exasperation at the same time?

Well, that aside… "Alright, back to the original question, and let me rephrase it. What's a Sea King doing in this part of the Grand Line _chasing you?!"_

Blondie pointed at his snail, which tilted its eyestalks in his direction. " _It's his fault!"_ They then glared at one another. " _My fault!? Are you nuts?!"_

" **YOU JUMPED ON** _ **ITS HEAD!"**_

"That was an honest mistake, I thought it was a rock! _You're_ the shitstain that chose to comment on its _body odor_ when it glared at us!"

" **It's a fish,** _ **it's smells fishy!**_ _THAT'S JUST A FACT!"_

"But you don't say that to its face!"

"WHAT THE HELL'S WITH _the double-standard here!?_ **I've taunted these bastards A THOUSAND TIMES IN THE PAST** _ **and you've never complained before!"**_

"Those times we were near someone who could kill it dead in a single hit, or at the _least_ we had our partners nearby, you slimy bastard! Learn some timing!"

" _ **THIS FROM YOU!?**_ _THAT'S FUCKING_ RICH, ASSHOLE!"

This bickering… And a talking snail… This seemed familiar. But I could worry about that later. I used the absolute last of the force I had charged up in a stomp that shook the floor. "Guys, focus! Giant man-eating fish monster trying to eat us; blame later, solution now."

Great, now the tall guy _and_ the snail were looking at me like I was an idiot. "Excuse you, this is a coping mechanism!"

" _Yeah! Snark takes the edge off_ _ **THE IMPENDING DOOM!**_ **Helps us function better under pressure!"**

"Observe!" Blondie beamed victoriously as he pointed to the side at a… derelict Marine galleon!? "White-hat warship at 3-o-clock! Those things were built to last, so it's better footing than these wrecks! See, progress!"

" **NOW STOP DISTRACTING US** _ **AND FREAKING RUN FASTER!"**_

Normally I wouldn't have taken orders from a snail, but this one had a point. And a galleon… Very stable and relatively lightly armed, usually with demi-culverins and demi-cannon. I doubted an eight-pound demi-culverin shot would do much to the monster following us, but a demi-cannon shot thirty-two pounds; that should do the trick. I scrambled after Blondie and his mouthy passenger. Ruatha's claws dug into my shoulders as I vaulted and climbed. Still…

A tilted mast from another ship made a decent way up, though the angle made it more of a ladder than a bridge. It still beat trying to clamber up the side of the ship by hand with our hanger-on chasing after us, though. Plus, it even gave us access to an open port in the galleon's gun deck, so not only did we not have to waste time finding our way through the ship's corridors, but I could _also_ spin on my heel and pin Blondie and his pet with a glare.

"Forgive me for being a little concerned, _Monsieur Escargot!"_ I growled. "From my perspective, being lost in a place like this with a sea king on my ass is a pretty serious problem. So my being unhappy that the only other people I can find are _joking_ about the impending doom is quite understandable!"

Blondie gave me a _way_ too bemused look as he dropped in alongside me before smirking condescendingly. "Your rookieness on the Grand Line is showing quite clearly."

"And look at all the fucks I give." I made a zero with one hand as I swung my head around and searched for gunpowder and ammo. "My crew may be rookies, but we can handle ourselves well enough. Better than that, even: Captain's gonna be king of the pirates someday. Now… We're gonna need eighteen pounds of black powder for every shot. I hope it's still dry enough to use."

The galleon shook; the sea king was ramming it. Every time I passed a portal or gun port, all I could see was silver-blue scales. It didn't take long to find ammunition at least, even if black powder was still in short supply. I supposed if worst came to worst, I could ask Blondie to beat me up and then use the force to smash the Sea King's face. That might work. _Might_. I had little confidence in the idea.

"Right. If we don't find any black powder soon, I need you to—!"

After I said that, things got a bit weird because we both spoke at the same time.

"Punch me in the face. The harder, the better."/"Quick, punch my palm, and fast!"

"…eh? Your _face?_ What are you—? Bah, not questioning it, I'm sure you have your reasons, but look, rookie, this is no ordinary gauntlet: I've got a special shell in it known as—!"

"An Impact Dial? Yeah, I know what those do; I basically _am_ an Impact Dial. Among other things." Yep, Blondie was _definitely_ familiar. Where had I heard about a guy with a snail partner and an Impact Dial in his gauntlet? Eh, worry about that later.

There were a few barrels of powder wedged in a corner behind one of the demi-culverins. I yanked one open, but it was wet; practically mud, in fact. Stupid mist… How long had this stuff been here? Opening the other barrels yielded similar results. Merde…

I stared up at Blondie, trying to get a sense of him as a fighter. Tall, kinda skinny… Not a STR build. Probably INT/CHA from the way he acted. Ladies and gentleman, we have a bard. Still, shouldn't judge based on appearances alone. Luffy was even smaller, after all. "So… It comes down to a question of who can punch harder. What kinda training you got?"

Blondie gave me _another_ flat look—which I was really starting to want to slap off his face—before holding his palm up. "Would I be using this thing if I could hit harder than it could? Hurry the hell up and hit me!"

" **COME ON AND SLAM!"** His snail crowed, before flinching fearfully as the ship was suddenly rammed head on by our pursuant. " _ **BEFORE WE ALL GET JAMMED!"**_

I rolled my eyes. "As you wish." Deep breath. Ten punches, hard and fast; kiai on ten. "TAI!" Follow up with a snap kick, turn forty-five degrees for a round kick, then finish with a spinning back kick. I landed back in fighting stance.

"Think that'll be enough? Or should I keep going?" The ship rocked to punctuate my words. Teeth like swords ripped the cover off a nearby gunport.

Blondie shot a fearful glance at the teeth, waved his arm out, and nodded firmly. "Compounded with what I'd taken the time to accumulate since the last time I discharged, I'd say so. Though, ah…" I did _not_ like the way cold sweat started forming on the jackass's brow. "I just realized a flaw with this plan that would have come up no matter _who_ had the energy."

"Flaw…?" How could there be a flaw in the plan- punch each other, smash thing in face, very straightforward. "What kind of flaw? All you need to do is blast that thing in its fugly mug!"

"Yeeeaaah…" Blondie nodded slowly.

_WHAM!_

Before flinching and scowling as we were rammed again. "And either you or I am supposed to get close enough to _touch_ that ugly face without getting up close and personal with those fangs, _how,_ exactly!?"

I felt the blood drain from my face. "That's… a very good point," I gurgled. "Suggestions before we both get up close and personal with Uncle Davy instead?"

"Uh…" Blondie's eyes scanned over the room desperately, uncertainty obvious as he came up with nothing, nothing, nothi—oh, now _that_ wasn't a look you got when you had nothing.

_KEE-RACK!_

To reiterate, I _seriously_ hope he didn't have nothing!

"What?" I demanded. "Whatever the hell idea you just got, I don't care how dumb it is! _What are you thinking?"_

Blondie spared me a hesitant glance before nodding with determination and darting across the deck, where he started clawing at the top of an overturned crate. "I'm gonna answer your question with two of my own," he grunted. "Are you familiar with Garp the Hero…"

_CLUNK!_

He grinned viciously as the crate's lid came off, and a slew of cannonballs rolled across the wood. "And do you know," he intoned menacingly. "Exactly which law of physics relates to the transfer of energy?"

It took me a second to connect the dots, but once they did? I _really_ couldn't keep my jaw from dropping because holy hell that was _smart._ "Newton's Second and you're a genius."

"Don't sound so surprised!" Blondie barked with laughter.

"Sorry. Not used to anyone else around here having high school science." Note to self, bash head on something for being an idiot. Later.

"Heh, tell me about it," Blondie started to chuckle.

_**KRAAAACK!** _

Before flinching as our footing shuddered from a titanic impact. "On second thought, tell me later! For now," He hefted a cannonball off the ground and tossed it to me. "Enough chatting."

" _LET'S GET SLAMMING!"_ his snail cackled.

I nodded as I caught the sphere of metal in my hand. "Agreed." I held the cannonball out and away from my shoulder, like an Italian waiter with a pizza tray. "Assume the position."

"Anything for the lovely lady," the smile-happy pirate smirked in agreement, positioning himself next to me, his palm outstretched and hovering next to the munitions. "Now, for maximum impact, the best place to hit would be the innards…"

" _Don't fire until you smell_ **the reek of its breath!"**

I froze up as I processed both parts of that. "Two things: first, call me a lady again and I'm kicking you in the face, danger or no danger," I glared at him frigidly, before turning a hesitant gaze towards our attacker. "And second, big problem with that plan is that—!"

_**WHAM!** _

I flinched as the wall of white cracked clean through the _actual_ wooden wall. "That thing is the _one_ Sea King in the world that's not _actually_ opening its mouth to attack! Got one more bright idea?"

"Uhhh…?" That did _not_ fill me with confidence, but before I could _actually_ start to worry?

" _ **HEY, BIG GROSS AND SLIMY!"**_

For _once_ I was semi-relieved by my comrade-in-struggle's shoulder-bound parasite opening its mouth, seeing as it _somehow_ made our assailant pause in the middle of winding up for its next run.

" _ **Your mama was a barnacle,**_ AND YOUR PAPA WAS A HALF-ROTTED _TROUT!"_

This really was a day of firsts, because it was _also_ the first time in my life I was grateful for a Sea King's veins suddenly pulsing with outrage. Although… Did Sea Kings feel rage the same way mammals did? Too bad trying to find out would get me killed. How would you find out, anyway? Was there such a thing as Sea King therapy? I'd have to ask one of the mermaids when I met them, or, well, one mermaid in particu—

"HRRAAAAAAAAAH!"

— _gotta_ learn to prioritize better.

Well, Sea Kings seemed to understand English, at any rate. Enormous jaws split open, drool running down each sword-length fang. Cable-like tendons tensed all over the aquatic titan's body as it prepared to leap—!

" _IMPACT, YOU SLIMY SON OF A—!"_

_BLAM!_

—only it never actually got the chance _to_ leap, on account of my back-up ramming his palm into the cannonball and essentially _slapping it_ down the Sea King's gut…

_**KA-BLAM!** _

Where it detonated in a plume of fire and smoke. The Sea King's head snapped back; it let out a roar of surprise. Eyes the size of rowboats spun. Silver scales shining, the great beast twisted around and circled out, preparing for another ramming run. A tiny trickle of blood dripped from the corner of its mouth.

Tabarnak. If it came at us again, there was no time for either of us to charge up more force. What could we—? Time to roll an intimidate check. I snatched up another cannonball and started tossing it from hand to hand, a mad grin lighting up my face. "Sesehihihihihi! _Fooooolish_ Sea King! You are truly willing to risk our wrath a _second_ time? You shall pay dearly for your transgressions!"

"Indeed!" Going by Blondie's ear-to-ear grin and the way he was holding his palm out towards the not-so-wee beastie, he'd gotten the gist of my idea and was playing along to the hilt. "We have _dozens_ of cannonballs here with us, each ready to give you another world-class case of heartburn-from-hell. So unless you wanna learn what it's like to get fried from the inside out, I suggest that you turn your fishy tail around and swim away _right damn now."_

The great beast paused, uncertain.

" _Basically?"_ the Transponder Snail bared his teeth in the most menacing expression I'd ever seen a snail make - and then the air _rumbled._ " **RUN."**

That proved to be too much for the Sea King. It turned tail and fled, battered ships rocking in its wake. The turning of said tail also happened to whip up some lovely spray that got me full in the face. I dropped the cannonball and took off my glasses to wipe them clean, sagging back against a wall as I did so. Man, could that Sea King move _fast_.

There was a tense moment of silence as we waited to make sure the damn kaiju was actually _gone._ And then…

"Just to confirm, we were both _totally_ speaking out of our asses, yes?" Blondie breathed nervously.

"Straight from the large intestine," I agreed.

"Ah, right. Juuust checking. 'Cause honestly?"

A thud sounded beside me. When I put my glasses back on, Blondie and his snail were on the floor. While the mollusk was—for once—silent, Blondie himself seemed to be shaking with some sort of nervous laughter. Or at least, I thought it was laughter. He ran a hand through his hair as he brought himself back under control.

"Pffffhahahahaha! Oh man, that was a close one! We would've been so _screwed_!"

"Yeah…" My voice went quiet as I checked to make sure Ruatha was alright. Of course, the little guy hadn't had to _do_ anything but hold onto my shoulder, so he was having a blast. I don't know why I worried. Maybe because this was the third thing in the past week that had tried to eat us? Or maybe higher, if individual velociraptors counted rather than the pack…

Although… At least I'd been able to _fight_ them. The Sea King left me jittery, frustrated. I had half a mind to ask Blondie to spar with me, but considering that scarecrow build of his, I doubted he'd accept. Needed to do _something_ though. As soon as I was sure Ruatha hadn't been injured, I stood up and started pacing. The dragonet rested his chin on my head and hummed a soothing rhythm.

Eye stalks followed me back and forth. " _Barnacle-breath's_ **gone** , _**you know**_. _Someone_ **NEEDS TO CHILL** _ **OUT!**_ "

" _Forgive me_ for being a _little_ on edge when that _thing_ was just trying to _eat us_." Deep breaths; I needed to calm down. I imitated Blondie's earlier actions, taking my hat off to run a hand through my hair. It helped; I still wanted to fight something, but the desire was manageable now. Replacing my hat, I sighed. "Sorry about that. Being away from my crew in a place like this… It leaves me on edge. You know what I'm saying, eh?"

"Nnnnnope."

I shot a dry look at the bastard, who was now grinning unabashedly as he remained prone. "Come again?"

"You heard me," Blondie chuckled without remorse. "I'm confident in the fact that the vast majority of my crew can whoop major ass with three out of four limbs tied behind their backs, so I've got no reason to worry about them. And as for me, I'm a confident, combat-seasoned, badass-asskicking—!"

"BULL- _SHIIIIT~!_ " the snail cut him off in a singsong voice.

"Blow it out your nonexistent ass~!" Blondie sang right back, without even missing a beat. "Anyways, yeah, no, I'm good. This place is a bit freaky, but apart from that…"

I hummed. "Gonna side with the French food there—"

" _Kiss my shell, Indiana Nobody."_

"—I've marked enough English papers to know bullshit when I hear it. And that sounded like prime bull _moose_ shit. If you're a front line fighter, I'm a Hufflepuff. And it's not that I'm _worried_ about my crew, exactly. They can handle themselves. I just… Something about this place gives me the heebie-jeebies." Plus I didn't like being alone in strange places at the best of times.

For some reason, Blondie stared at me in confusion for a moment before shrugging and jerking his way up into a sitting position, glancing to the side with a grimace as he scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, alright, I guess you've got a point on that last one. If it weren't for this damn fog, I'd have been able to call for help."

"BUT WITH THE MERRY HELL _this shit's pulling on my_ _ **senses?"**_ The snail stuck its tongue out in disgust. " **No dice, sistah!"**

"Damn. So there's no reception, eh?" I patted absentmindedly at the pocket where Samsung lived before fixing my companion's mouthy mollusk with a flat stare. Seriously, _where_ had I heard about this guy before? Something about his Den-Den was _really_ familiar. "And it's _Jones_ , actually. Go ahead and laugh."

" _MY PLEAS—_ GRK!" The snail's ear-to-ear grin was interrupted by his owner grabbing his tongue with what looked to be _way_ too much practice.

My dragonet squawked, indignant at being forgotten. I reached up to scratch his mane. "Oh, yeah. This little ball of scales is my dragon, Ruatha. Although he's more of a baby than a fire-breathing terror."

Ruatha started to preen and ruffle his scales proudly…

_**BZRRRRT!** _

"GAH!" Before a klaxon suddenly blared _right behind me_ and caused me to jump in shock and Ruatha to take a flying leap off my shoulder.

"HOOHOOHOO _ **heeheehee!"**_ the mucus-ridden menace cackled unabashedly, even as his owner rolled his eyes in bemusement. " **DON'T TRY TO BOGGLE US, you overgrown lizard!"**

"Bit harsh, but he does have a point," Blondie sighed with a 'what can you do' shrug. "This is the Grand Line. The lookout for one of our allies has one of you too, and hers is _bigger."_

I grabbed my dragon as he went to leap up and maul Blondie- or the snail; I wasn't sure which was his first target. "Down, boy. And at the risk of one of my crewmates appearing out of nowhere and braining me- it isn't size that counts, it's what you do with it." Cue a reflexive flinch and nervous stare, just to make sure Nami wasn't nearby. "For example… Ruatha, if you really care that much- Spit!"

"Chee!" A glob of sticky dragon saliva shot at the snarky snail. Of course, as soon as I gave the command, it occurred to me that this could be a bad idea, but too late. The mollusk started it anyways.

Uuuunfortunately, the effect was entirely nullified by the spineless stain cackling even harder. " _I'm a snail,_ **dipshit, I'M SLIMY 24/7!** YOU MIGHT AS WELL HOCK _SLOP AT A PIG!"_

"In a way, he just _did,_ " Blondie muttered acridly before shaking his head and pasting an ear-to-ear grin on his face. "Aaaanyways… I dunno how the heck you haven't recognized me by my voice yet, but I might as well introduce myself anyways. 'Voice of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross, bane of the World Government."

He then reached up to his shoulder, plucked his snail off and held it out to me. "And this is my partner in crime, the _other_ 'Voice of Anarchy' and bane of… pretty much anyone with common decency, Soundbite."

"AKA _DA GOD A_ _ **NOIZE!"**_ the snail hollered, emphasizing his point with an air-rending guitar riff - after which he promptly adopted a grimace. " _That was_ **not SMART."**

_Error 404: Brain not found_. My mind froze, processing everything that had seemed familiar over the last few minutes. With no one at the controls, my hand automatically reached out to pat the snail- because damn, he may have been a loud, annoying little ball of snark, but he was still above all else a _little_ ball, which thereby made him _adorable_. And hey, Samsung liked pats, so slimey snail-ness was nothing new to me.

"Gah, nononono, wait, _don't—_!" Sorry Cross, my brain doesn't have enough available RAM to understand words right now.

_CHOMP!_

"…put your fingers… near his mouth, dammit…" Cross groaned, dragging his hand down his face.

I _was_ , however, capable of understanding the fact that a surprisingly sharp set of teeth was suddenly clamped onto my hand. Unfortunately, I didn't register what they were connected to in time, so before I knew what I was doing, I reflexively jerked my hand back to free it… aaaand sent the mouthy mollusk flying as a result. Well, with any luck he'd stick on the ceiling… which had a hole in it… _tabarnak_.

"YOU STUPID LITTLE SLIMESTAIN!" Cross roared as he shot to his feet and started dancing back and forth below the hole, arms spread wide. Thankfully, when physics reasserted itself and the invert that went up came back down, Cross was able to make a successful dive forwards and nab him before he could hit the deck.

The so-called 'Voice of Anarchy' sighed in relief as he stood back up and replaced his snail before pinning his companion with a blistering glare. "Soundbite? One of these days, you're going to need to learn how to weigh the risks and benefits of biting someone a hundred times bigger and stronger than you. _Especially_ when we're on footing patchier than Frankenstein's monster!"

"BITE ME," Soundbite rolled his eyes with a scoff, before leering as he tilted his eyes downwards. " _ **Better yet…"**_

And with that, the snail hopped backwards as much as he could…

_CHOMP!_

"YEEEEEAAAAARGH!" And _I_ was treated to the sight of Cross running in circles like his ass was on fire… which I imagine was what it _felt like_ considering how hard Soundbite was gnawing on him.

And then everything snapped into place. I facepalmed so hard, I actually got a bit of a charge from it. "This Bites…" I whispered. _Osti d'épais de marde_ …

" _THAT'S MY FUCKING LINE!"_ Cross roared as he tugged at his partner's shell to no great effect.

"I know… Bloody fu- excuse me, one moment." I spun away from Cross in my as-usual-fruitless search for the Fourth Wall. Up went my middle finger, combined with a bras d'honneur so as to properly express how I felt about this shenanigan. "A _crossover_? Really?"

Then… "Sesehihihihihihi! Gods above and below! A _Cross_ over… Okay, this is a good one. That pun is worth a crap-tonne of shenanigans." I turned back to Cross and his snail, who'd both paused mid-run and mid-gnaw, respectively, so that they could look at me like- well, like I was crazy. Eh, I was used to that by now.

"So… Hypothetically speaking, if I told you that you were a character in a _One Piece_ SI fanfic, and I was a character in a _One Piece_ SI fanfic, and our writers were apparently getting together for multiverse-warping shenanigans, how would you react?"

Cross and Soundbite both blinked at me in confusion for a moment before Cross _calmly_ yanked his partner from his ass, replaced him on his shoulder… and then turned his eyes skyward and spread his arms wide. "A _crossover!?_ Are you out of your—!? Oh who the hell am I kidding, of _course_ you are… well, just know that this shit _never works!_ If we weren't bombing before by dint of being a self-insert in One Piece, we're sure as shit hittin' rock bottom now, _jackass!"_

…Okay, Johnny and Yosaku were right. Seeing it from this side _was_ freaky. Still, might as well snap him out of it. "Actually—!"

_BANG!_

Something whizzed through the air, cutting between me and Cross. The noise was followed immediately by the splintering thud of a bullet punching a hole through wood.

Cross summarized the situation best.

**-o-**

"SNIPER, GET DOWN!" I barked with all the tried and true practice of a gamer as I slammed my back into the nearest wall opposite the bullet hole, my heartbeat going through the roof as I processed _what the fuck had just happened._

Not far away, Jones dove behind a cannon and hit the dirt. "Of all the—! Why does it have to be _ranged_?" She pulled a pistol from somewhere along her belt, but made a face at it rather than actually doing anything.

"I don't suppose you're as good with that thing as your namesake?" I called over tentatively.

"Um…" I did _not_ like the way she was glancing upwards. "Let's just put it this way- I am to guns as Zoro is to a GPS. My specialty is _unarmed_ combat."

" _Shoot thatta way,_ _ **MAYBE WE'LL GET LUCKY!"**_ Soundbite snorted as he jerked his eyestalks in the direction of the bullet hole.

"Oh, like you two are much better without your _mutt!?"_

Soundbite and I exchanged bemused looks and conceded the point with a shrug. "Fair 'nuff…" I mused, before sobering up as I inched towards the cannon's porthole. "Anyway, if you know who I am, you know my position, so if'n you don't mind, I'll be taking point here. And first point of order is to find just _where_ we're being shot at from. Soundbite?"

"READY!" he nodded firmly.

"Alright, then…" I grit my teeth as I clenched and unclenched my fingers in preparation. "This is gonna _suuuuck…"_ And without giving myself enough time to build up any doubt, I swung my arm up—

_BANG! SKRANG!_

"GAH, SON OF A _BITCH!"_ And _roared_ as I snapped my arm back and clutched my hand to my chest, which, besides ringing like a bell, was absolutely _killing me._ What calibre was that asshat using, 'fuck-you' millimetres!?

Jones shot me a sympathetic wince. "Need me to get another shot out of them?" she hissed.

" _No need,_ **twice was enough,"** Soundbite informed her darkly. "SHE'S—AND IT IS A SHE— _ **about thirty, thirty-five feet that way…**_ **AND GOING BY HOW SHE'S ALMOST** _ **FIFTY**_ **FEET HIGH,** _I'D SAY SHE'S MADE A CROW'S NEST INTO A SNIPER'S NEST."_

"Oh, _did she_?" A disturbing grin grew across Jones' face. "We'll see about that." So saying, the small blonde _made_ to bolt out of the portal—

" _ **BWAAAAAH!"**_ "GAH, TABARNAK!"

Until I snapped my fingers and Soundbite forced her to stay in place with a point-blank blare.

"Owowowow…" she massaged her ears, wincing mightily, before glaring at me. "The hell was that for!?"

I responded with a decidedly _flat_ glare. "Jones, clear this up for me: your Devil Fruit has something to do with kinetic energy, obviously, and yet you're hiding from our sniper, whose bullets are only lethal _because_ of kinetic energy. So! Are you or are you not legitimately and confidently Luffy-levels of immune to firearms?"

I got an uncomfortable feeling of deja-vu from the way she grinned and rammed her knuckles together. "No idea; never tried it before. But there's gotta be a first time for everything, and I'm still in the mood for a _fight_."

I took a brief moment to glance heavenwards in exasperation. Someone help me, now I knew how my _crewmates_ felt whenever I did something braindead. "So, you decided to test that little application of your abilities against a _sharpshooter_ who has pinpoint, split-second accuracy and is aiming to _kill?"_

"Umm…" Jones expression crumbled into a sheepish and somewhat ashen look. "Okay, admittedly not my best idea. You got one better?"

"Yeah," I grunted, turning myself around so that I was facing our enemy, even as I readied my _other_ hand. "You get ready to run, while _I_ get ready for round two." So saying, I jabbed my hand out, just like last time. But _un_ -like last time, this go-around…

" _GASTRO-FLASH!"_ " _ **WHA-BAM!"**_

I flexed my palm and my partner and I proceeded to blind our assailant's senses. Effectively, too, going by how another shot went off but the actual impact wasn't anywhere _near_ us.

"GET 'EM!" I roared, darting out from behind my cover and running towards the enemy.

Within a few steps, something small and purple shot past me. Huh. Shorty was pretty fast when she wanted to be. And she seemed to be- pounding her fists together as she ran?

"Newton's Second!" _CRACK!_ Wood splintered; there was an ominous creaking noise as the mast began to fall- towards me _ohshitshitshit—!_

I hastily skidded to a halt and flung my arms up before my face, _just_ as the pillar of timber slammed down on the decks of several ships next to me.

Sadly, life wasn't so convenient as to deposit our shooter at my feet, but the crow's nest _did_ land naught more than a half dozen meters away, so I made the snap decision to leap onto the mast and run along it to the nest. With any luck, our shooter would still be stunned from the—!

_CLICK!_

—fall _sonnuvabitch!_ I froze on the edge of the crow's nest and snapped my hands up. I briefly considered trying to work out any details concerning our assailant that I could, but my attention was a _wee_ bit distracted by the _gun being pointed in my face!_

Alright-alright-alright, I just needed to be smart about this, just needed to find an opening, just needed… to… why was the air starting to screech and howl like a pack of baboo—?

I leapt at the sniper the _second_ they hunched over due to inner-ear-induced nausea and, with only a split second to choose, planted my boot in their face with _extreme_ prejudice. The sound of their nose's cartilage snapping was _uncomfortably_ welcome, as was the sound of the back of their skull _smashing_ against the somewhat rotted wood of the ship.

After 'nudging' the sniper's downed form (read, delivering a hefty, ire-ridden kick to their ribs) to confirm that they were well and truly K.O., I proceeded to do what any sane person in my greaves would do.

"WOO!" I laughed, shooting my fists in the air.

Which, of course, was _celebrate._

"Who's a badass?" I whooped as I pointed at Soundbite.

" **WE DA BADASS!"** Soundbite preened with a flourish.

" _And don't you forget it! BOOYAH!"_ we whooped as we exchanged a high-eye.

"Osti d'épais de marde!" Jones stomped up the mast towards me, rubbing her ears and scowling in a half-decent impression of an angry Zoro. "That was bloody _loud_. Is everyone still alive over— _GYRHK_?"

I blinked in confusion as _something_ made her freeze and choke at the sight of the unconscious sniper, and I hastily stepped back as she darted past me to our assailant. Her hat shadowed her face as she crouched down for a better look. Then she spoke again, her voice low. "Um… Cross? I think we have a problem. Does this particular sharpshooter look familiar to you?"

"Jones, all I saw when I got to them was _gun._ " I crossed my arms flatly. "Why, do you recognize them?"

" _Yes_. And unless your memory sucks arse, you will too." She shot me a flat look before standing up and stepping off to the side.

I took one look… aaaaand promptly froze in the _utmost_ of horror.

"…Soundbite?" I whispered numbly. "Can you connect to Robin?"

" _ **Have you not been—**_ **waaaait, wait a second…"** Soundbite cut his indignant rebuttal off partway through, a contemplative look coming over his face before he grinned triumphantly. "HA, GOT BRAIN! _AND THROUGH HIM…_ _What is it, Cross?"_ Smugness was swapped for smugness as Robin's voice cut in.

I swallowed heavily, glancing back and forth and rubbing my neck. "…say, Robin," I finally managed to get out. "Hypothetical question for you: say I suddenly came under sniper fire and I managed to KO the sniper before getting a good look at them." I glanced skyward miserably, begging for mercy in light of what I was about to say next. "Then say that said now-KO'd sniper was your mother."

I felt a bolt of utter _terror_ shoot through me at how flat Soundbite's face became. "… _my mother. My mother who's been dead since I was a child and whose absence I feel every day like a white-hot knife._ That _mother."_

I tugged on my collar, trying to alleviate the suddenly stifling pressure in whatever way I could. "Let's… say she were present thanks to the fact that time is more twisted than a pretzel here?" I prayed to hell Robin hadn't pegged onto what I was talking about.

" _Hypothetically, of course,"_ Robin reiterated dryly.

Fuck. Well, in for a beri…

"Of course…" I whimpered weakly.

There was a _pointed_ silence for a full minute before Robin finally deigned to speak, her voice staying perfectly level the entire time. " _Well, in that case,_ hypothetically speaking _, I would be hurt, outraged, and on top of twisting you into a Gordian Knot, I most likely wouldn't speak with you for a straight month."_

I restrained a tortured moan as I dragged my clawed hands down my face. "…love these hypotheticals, keeps the brain active!" I said, my voice doing its best impression of Pica's.

"… _Mister Jeremiah."_

I was frozen for a bit before slapping my hand over my eyes in defeat. "Yes, Robin?" I groaned.

" _Did you knock out my mother?"_

"Weeeeeell…" I cracked my fingers open and stared miserably at the woman I'd assaulted in pure self-defense.

More specifically… I watched blandly as while Jones checked her condition, her pet chewed on her hairdo.

Or rather… on her _mohawk._

"Not _your_ mother."

**-o-**

"No, Ruatha, bad." I slapped my dragon on the muzzle when I caught him nibbling on Bellemere's hair. "Nami's mom is not for eating."

Oh, Rainbow Mists- if you weren't inspired by _Star Trek: Generations_ , I'd eat my hat. Not far away, Cross was pacing and…

"Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God-oh-Goooooood I'm gonna _diiiiiiiie!"_

Was essentially all but pissing his tighty-whiteys with how bad he was flipping out, and going by the way the shell on his shoulder was shivering, his partner in noise wasn't far behind.

Unfortunately, warranted as his apparent terror was, it was equal parts distracting and confusing. Aside from a broken nose and being unconscious, Bellemere seemed to be fine. Although she'd probably have a… concussion. Ooooh… alright, let's end this.

I glanced up at the alt-Straw Hat and snapped my fingers. "Cross," I spoke up, trying to grab his attention.

Going by how he snapped his around to stare at me with wide, twitching eyes, I'd succeeded.

I rolled my eyes in exasperation, but still I put on the best air of serenity I could. "I realize you're scared, Cross," I spoke, slowly and methodically. "But please be serious. Nami is not _that_ bad."

Cross scowled at me accusingly. "You are _lying,"_ he shot back just as firmly.

"Come on, Cross!" I flung my arms wide in exasperation. "You're overreacting! What's the _worst_ she could do to you?!"

Aaaaand there was the 'are you stupid/crazy' look again. "You're _kidding,_ right?" he demanded incredulously.

"It's _Nami,"_ I reasserted firmly. Sure, she was a little too liberal with the staff-to-the-head thing sometimes, but not dangerous.

"Yeah, _my_ Nami!" Cross emphasized frantically.

I raised a finger and opened my mouth to reply… aaaaaand then I thought about what he'd just said, and I slowly lowered my finger with a sympathetic wince as I got what he was getting at. "Oooooh… yeeeaaah, you're fucked." Note to self, keep my Nami _far away_ from any and all rare Dials.

" _Ooooooh…"_ Great, now the poor bastard actually sounded like a wounded _animal._ …ah fuck it, this was going to suck, but I couldn't just leave him to his fate. No matter how much said fate scared the shit out of me.

So saying—or thinking or… narrating, whichever—I tried to reach out and pat Cross on the shoulder to comfort him, but my hand fell halfway. Nope, couldn't do it. "Well, look on the bright side." I tried to make up for it by sounding as chipper as possible. "At least we're fucked _together,_ right?"

_That_ snapped him out of his panic in favor of pure confusion. Heck, even _Soundbite_ poked his eyestalks out in surprise. " _ **Come again?"**_

"Weeeell," I waved my hands in a so-so manner. "I _did_ drop the mast she was hiding in, right? And, I mean," I gestured at Bellemere's face helplessly. "Just look at the poor woman! Her face is so beat up, it's impossible to tell if she got hit by one person or, say… two?"

Cross gaped at me as though I were an angel come down to earth. "I would very much like to hug you right now," he breathed reverentially, starting to step towards _oh hell no_.

"If you touch me, I will track down that Sea King, chop you up, _and feed you to him as chum,"_ I promised him in a solemn whisper.

"Fair 'nuff," Cross transitioned smoothly, stepping past me and walking around to Bellemere's head. "Alright, enough dilly-dallying. Come on, Soundbite's got a bead on the Sunny and I'd rather follow the rotten-wood road while we have the chance."

I glanced down at Bellemere's ankles uncomfortably before shooting my counterpart a pleading look. "You… _sure_ you can't do it on your own?"

Really starting to hate that 'idiot' look. "Me and what muscle tone?" he demanded.

I… really couldn't argue with that, could I? _Tabarnak_ this was going to suck. I crouched down and began the awkward process of getting Bellemere up onto my back. Ruatha was _not happy_ about this, as it meant someone else had his place on my shoulder, but he could walk. "I don't have enough hands. Help me get her arms around my shoulders so I can get a decent grip on her legs without her falling over backwards."

"On it," Cross nodded, circling around behind me and heaving Bellemere's torso into position before loosely putting her arms around my neck. This was so much easier with conscious people who could hold on under their own power. At least the Marine wasn't _that_ heavy.

"Alright, let's go," I grunted, starting to trudge forwards as I tried to convince myself that I was carrying a sack of potatoes rather than something that would _definitely_ trigger a panic attack.

Keeping pace with Cross as we made our way across the broken ships wasn't exactly the easiest feat to pull off. Stupid tall people and their stupid long legs and _doubly_ stupid uneven and unstable footing. Either way, between my… _ahem,_ 'conservative' stature and my endeavoring to remain upright, I spent a lot of time looking at his back. His very stiff, tense back. Guess he was still worried about Nami's reaction, not that I could rightly blame him.

…screw it, his tenseness was making _me_ tense. Coming to a decision, I jogged for a moment so I could try to comfort him face to face, forcing a small smile into place. "Still freaking out about Nami, eh?"

"Absolutely not in the slightest," Cross ground out around the armored thumb he was gnawing on.

"THANK GOD OUR SHOW _is audio only,"_ Soundbite deadpanned, though the fact that he was sweating like a pig didn't really give his words much weight.

"Tell me about it…" I mused for a moment before tilting my head to the side thoughtfully. "Eh, try not to worry, it only makes you suffer twice over. And… if it helps? Look on the bright side."

"We are hauling the concussed body of my volatile, lightning-slinging crewmate's _mother_ ," Cross deadpanned. "What _possible_ bright side is there to this situation?"

I made my expression as flat as his. "You only have to deal with one of her as opposed to two at once."

"And just like that, I'm bouncing back!" Cross perked up instantly, his smile radiating hope and positivity.

**-o-**

Meanwhile, back on the Thousand Sunny, Merry, who was standing on the forecastle with Franky, was staring down a spyglass at something off the port quarter. Something that, in hindsight, they really should have seen coming.

"Y'know, I'm getting the distinct impression that Cross was absolutely correct when he said that this place is a temporal clusterfuck," she remarked, her voice pointedly calm.

One bright blue eyebrow arched over Franky's sunglasses. "What makes you say that, sis?" he queried.

Sliding her spyglass shut with a distinct 'snap!', Merry indicated in the direction she'd been looking, a _very_ clear twitch in her jaw. "Because _I_ am sailing right towards us, and there's someone _very_ familiar on my forecastle."

Flicking his sunglasses up and out of the way, Franky followed her gaze towards the horizon, where a familiar sheep-headed caravel was slowly tacking towards them, an equally familiar shock of orange hair visible standing right next to said sheep's-head.

"Huh," Franky slowly blinked in surprise. "So you are."

**-o-**

Funny, I actually did feel better about that. And hey, even if she was and would ever be Nami, she was still my friend and she had notably mellowed out quite a bit since Enies. Hell, who knows, I might just be able to fast-talk my way out of this yet!

…alright, most likely I was just bullshitting myself and we'd still both be crapping thunder for a few hours, but at least a man can dream!

Still, the feeling cleared away the last of the panic and let me think clearly again, and the first thing I noticed was that Jones' shoulders were hunched up. And looking closely, she just seemed tense in general. No idea why though; even if she was willing to stand alongside me against Nami, chances were I'd catch a load more flak than her. So why did she flinch just- aaaah, and considering the sheer level of pissed at my hug offer earlier…

"You sure you don't want me to try and carry her, Jones?" I offered. "Because you look, well…"

"LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO HOCK _everything from the stomach_ _ **down?"**_

"I was trying to be subtle, but…" I shrugged helplessly. "Soundbite can be a blunt ass, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's always wrong."

She winced uncomfortably, but set her jaw and didn't even pause in marching onwards. "It's fine… alright, that's a lie, but don't worry about it. I just… I don't like being touched. But I can handle this." Jones' expression of discomfort turned into- yeaaaaah, that was one of the fakest smiles I'd ever seen. Alright, change the conversation, change the conversation… that'll do it.

"So, 'Newton's Second', eh?" I queried with an inquisitive look. "Lemme guess… Dyna-Dyna Fruit?"

_Now_ Jones visibly perked up, life re-entering her countenance. "Force-Force, actually, but yours is clever. Still, mine's more accurate because it's only _physical_ energy I can deal with. See, I absorb, reflect, and manipulate force- although if I absorb too much, or too quickly, I tend to just sort of 'explode' without control. The force of impact is easiest, but I've started having some success with friction too. I'd demonstrate, but…" She shrugged, jostling Bellemere lightly.

"Oooh, neat!" I grinned eagerly. "Now _that_ is a brilliant and highly exploitable ability! What're your highest and lowest moments with it?"

"HIGHEST FOR ME WAS BLASTING _Lucci's feather-rat with mah BASS CANNON!"_ Soundbite cackled… before grimacing to the side. " **Lowest was when I let** _**a prototype of Phony slap me UPSIDE MY SHELL."**_

It took a long moment of thought before Jones answered. "Hmmm… Lowest would be blowing myself backwards off a cliff while fighting Eric… the Scythe-bastard?" she clarified at my confused expression. "Back before I knew what my fruit _did_."

I couldn't help the cheeky grin that spread across my face. "You thought it was—!"

"Yeah yeah, I thought it was _Star Wars_ , get off my ass, I was desperate!" she waved me off with a scowl. "Anyways, highest… Probably blowing up a T-Rex's head when it tried to eat me. Although I don't remember that one very well; you'd have to ask Vivi. I kind of lost consciousness right after."

"Nice!" I barked enthusiastically. "Escaping, surviving, killing and riding a T-Rex are the coolest actions you can perform concerning those things! I only managed one, but you got two at once! Seriously impressive!"

" _OH, OH, IDEA!"_ Soundbite waved his eyestalk eagerly before dropping his voice into a guttural growl. " _ **Once, a T-Rex bit Jones. And in a blood-filled, gore-soaked instant… it was dead."**_

"Sesehihihihihi!" Jones jerked forward as she giggled ecstatically. "D-Don't make me laugh! Nami really _will_ kill us if I give Bellemere a second lump!"

"Chuck Norris jokes? Really?" I deadpanned as Soundbite and Jones revelled together. "Whatever…" I contemplated what else we could talk about that didn't involve a done-to-death (if admittedly epic) meme. "So… any good movies come out recently?"

"Eh, Disney and Dreamworks have done alright, but that's not really important- although there was a new _Star Wars_ movie supposed to come out about a month after I… left." Jones shot me a curious look. "Really, though? You ask about movies, not how your own story's going? Aren't you the least bit curious?"

I shrugged with a dismissive scoff. "Why ask about the obvious? Good SIs are a once-in-a-blue-moon deal, and the One Piece fanfiction community is both comparatively minuscule _and_ polarized, with fics being either amazing or awful. And the combination of both? The lowest of both sides, bar none. Face facts, we both suck… er, in a literary way, I mean. No offense."

"None taken, and you're a bit off the mark," Jones deadpanned. "Last I saw? _This Bites!_ was pretty popular."

"Oh, yeah?" I shrugged without a care. "Eh, I guess that's nice, then. How many faves does it have? A hundred? Two?"

"Try over two _thousand."_

I nearly snapped my _spine_ I spun around so fast, but hell if I could give half a damn about that! "Ex- _squeeze me!?"_ I choked out.

Jones shrugged carelessly and rolled her eyes. "You heard me, Jar-Jar. When I left, you were on the front page in terms of reviews, follows _and_ favorites. Undeniably the most popular SI in the fandom- although I'll agree, that's not necessarily saying much on its own- aaaand eighth most popular fic overall in terms of favorites. Might be higher by now. Basically?" She freed a hand to give me a thumbs-up. "Congrats, friend, you're officially what's known as an e-celebrity."

I—? But that—! How—? _What the fu—!?_

_has encountered a fatal error and has to shut down._

_Reboot? Y/N_

_Y_

_Reboot accepted. Formulating appropriate response._

" _WHAT?!"_

Any further responses were cut off by a loud thump on the deck behind us.

**-o-**

My first inkling that something was wrong was how hard and ungiving my bed seemed to be. I like a firm mattress as much as the next guy, but to my sleep-addled subconscious it felt more like a hardwood floor. Not comfy.

My second inkling was that I was asleep in the first place, though my brain was decidedly unhelpful in telling me _why_ that was a problem.

The third and most important was a finger jabbing into my ribs.

With the ease of long practice, I pried my eyes open and sat up, locking my gaze with Robin's brown orbs for a brief second, long enough for the worry in her expression to dim somewhat. It also served to reassure me; the last thing I remembered was seeing _Enrico-fucking-Pucci_ out and about on the street and then… and then… yeah, that blank spot in my memory was all kinds of worrying.

I slowly turned my head around, a sinking pit opening up in my stomach as I took in the derelict ship—a _wooden_ one at that, and massive too—we were on, as well as the multitude of others that were surrounding our perch, and the rainbow-colored mist we were enshrouded in, which was nigglingly familiar. And I dealt with that the way I usually do.

"Well, this definitely isn't Louisiana," I remarked. Unfortunately, that didn't get even a snort out of Robin, which was worrying, since she usually laughs at even my worst jokes.

"No, it's not," she agreed, glancing around. "A-Are we in the Bermuda Triangle?"

"I doubt it. Contrary to popular belief, the Triangle isn't any more dangerous than the rest of the ocean. Believe me, we've checked," I replied as I stood up, my jeans crackling. Ugh. Salt water. "Unless some rogue Stand user has set up shop there since we last checked." I frowned as I realized that in addition to not knowing where we were, I also had no idea how we'd gotten here. "How did we get here, anyway? I remember seeing Pucci on the street…"

I glanced over to Robin for answers to see her shuffling back and forth on her feet, looking away. Aw, hell, I knew what that expression meant. "I lost it and attacked him, didn't I?" I sighed, rubbing my forehead.

"Yeah, you didn't even use The Catalyst's abilities," Robin replied, her tone readily relaying what she thought about _that_ decision. "And then this fat slob in glasses stepped out of an alley and touched you and you vanished. I almost didn't grab him—he stank, seriously!—but I used my arms to try and lock him and then I blacked out and woke up on this ship a few minutes before you did."

"Ugh, that damn priest must have been there to recruit Stand users. And got one," I groaned, moving my hand away so I could look around again. "Alright, now, where are we—"

I froze as the memory that had been tickling me since I saw that fucking rainbow mist hit me like a thunderbolt. And as someone who's actually been _hit_ by lightning (long story), let me tell you, that was pretty hard.

"Rainbow mist…" I breathed. "Son of a gun…"

"You know where we are, then?" Robin asked hopefully.

"Yeah, I know where we are. We're in your old world."

Those words got the reaction I expected: anger and fear flitting over her face, her fists clenching at her sides, and her Stand, Pompeii, springing into sight, glaring at me. Thankfully, I knew the remedy for this sort of thing.

I pulled her into a hug.

"Don't worry," I said, stroking her hair, feeling her tense muscles under my other hand. "If I remember correctly, that ice bas—guy's nowhere nearby. More importantly, you're not the same as you were back then. It's okay, we're safe…"

I made soothing noises, continuing my stroking, and slowly I felt the tension ebb out of her. Finally, I felt her push against me, which was the usual signal that she'd had enough.

"Feel better?" I asked as we separated.

"Yeah…" she said softly, brushing at her eyes. "So, now what?"

I grimaced. My rather hazy memories of this arc—thank you… X-Chick, I think it was—indicated there was supposed to be an island here. But all I was seeing were dead ships, as far as the eye could reach.

"I don't know," I answered, frustration leaking into my voice. "What I remember of this part of One Piece is both super hazy and clearly wrong. I simply don't know enough about the Rainbow Mist to know what to do."

Robin nodded grimly. "Then we should probably find somebody and see if they know more."

"Heh," I chuckled. "We'll make a Stand warrior out of you yet. That's exactly what I was thinking." I glanced up at the mast rising above the deck, and pressed a hand to it, The Catalyst manifesting and overlaying its own arm. "And the first step towards that is to find a mast that hasn't been rotted through with seawater."

Stepping up, Robin gave the mast a hearty poke, and then stepped back. After a brief second, the mast creaked and began to fall over, making that classic cartoon falling tree sound before crashing onto a neighboring wreck.

"Yeah, probably a good idea," she drawled.

Getting to other ships was a simple matter of having our Stands pick us up and ferry us over. Navigating the ships themselves was trickier. Salt water and the creatures within it did nasty things to ships, steel, wood, or otherwise, but it was still surprising how bad off many of the wrecks were. I didn't want to think about how long some of these wrecks must have been here to get that bad. After the first time Robin nearly fell through a rotten patch of planking I had The Catalyst out constantly to keep an eye on the chemical composition of the wood.

And that was how, after landing on one of the more intact ships, I sensed something very important.

"Wait," I ordered, stopping Robin in her inspection of this ship's mast. I began to pace over the deck, trying to pinpoint a chemical that was in decidedly short supply around here.

"What did you find?" Robin asked, before glancing up. "And can I climb up the mast?"

"In order, I think I found fresh water, and yes, but be careful," I replied, stopping on a particular piece of deck. I could've used The Catalyst's ability to rot away the wood, but I was on the mood for something a little more visceral.

" _Oyoi!"_

My Stand's fist crashed into the deck, smashing apart the planking, and I hopped down onto the gun deck below. Another " _Oyoi!"_ brought me down to the hold, which had so far avoided being flooded, my senses pointing me to several barrels.

Picking the nearest one, I pried it open, and in it was water. Water that, once I tasted it, proved to be fresh, if a bit brackish.

"Perfect…" I muttered as I replaced the lid.

"Did you find something?" I heard Robin call down.

"Yeah, we've got water now!" I called back up. "Give me a minute!"

Getting up again was a bit tricky, but there were plenty of footholds. The only problem was when I was trying to climb out of the gun deck. As it turned out, trying to climb off of a slick iron cannon was a bad idea if you didn't want bruised shins.

"Ratchafraszin'…" I muttered as I got back up on the main deck. I glanced up at the mast, seeing Robin staring off into the distance. "You see anything?"

"Yeah, I see a ship that isn't beat to shit!"

"Language!" I halfheartedly shouted up. "Now, let's get you down before something-"

_SNAP!_

"Yaaaaahhh!"

"Breaks!" I yelped, shifting onto the balls of my feet so I could dive in any direction. I shouldn't have worried, though; a glance up showed her hanging off the mast by the many arms sprouting from it.

"I'm okay!" she reported.

"Yeah, you seem to… have things in hand," I said, grinning.

"Snrk… That was terrible, Lee!" Steadily dropping herself down, she tapped her foot on top of my head before landing. "Terrible!"

"My great sense of humor aside—"

"Ha!"

"—you said you saw an intact ship, right?" I continued.

"Yup," Robin confirmed, dropping to the deck. "Well, mostly intact. The masts are kinda broken."

"We'll go there, then," I decided. "We have water here, but I want to find food, too. That's a lot harder to die from, but also harder to recover from, as well."

"Good," Robin said, sniffing and haughtily raising her nose. "When we are there, you shall cook me the most exquisite banquet you can!"

I stared at her for a few seconds, then shook my head and began chuckling. Oh, this was going to be good. Makes me wish my phone hadn't apparently gotten dunked in saltwater.

Robin, who had just started walking towards the ship, turned around at that, worry creasing her features. "Why are you chuckling?" she asked, her voice wavering.

"You'll see," I said cryptically, waving her forward. "Let's keep moving, okay?"

"Okay…" she said dubiously. We continued on, Robin in the lead, and she kept on glancing behind herself at me. Ah, I love it when I get to do this. And I love it even more when it's due to something that I didn't actually do! Does that make me an asshole?

Hm…

Nah, everyone enjoys a good bit of schadenfreude here and there. And not everyone's an asshole.

Secure in my logic, I went silent and focused on keeping an eye on the rotten decks. Thanks to our Stands carrying us over gaps and Pompeii temporarily patching up a few rotten spots, we made good time, and soon I could see the beached ship Robin had pointed out looming on the fog-shrouded horizon.

Still, we'd need to stop soon and take a break; Robin was beginning to flag. She hid it well, but the little quivers in her legs, particularly her calves, and the sweat running down her neck were obvious tells. We just needed to find a good, solid deck to stop on.

I was still debating where to do that when a loud squawk of "WHAT?!" echoed out over the graveyard, very loud and very close.

"Stay here!" I barked, noting in my peripheral vision Robin slumping to the deck as I dashed over to the side. Whatever this situation, throwing an internationally wanted young girl into the mix was unlikely to be a good thing, and honestly, she seemed relieved to get the rest.

The damn fog, naturally, was still obscuring things as I reached and peered over the side of the ship, but I could make out a pair of silhouettes, one person-shaped and one an amorphous blob that I recognized as one person carrying another. The Catalyst helpfully informed me a second later that the person being carried had a lot of black powder and residue on her person. Interesting.

Unfortunately, that was all the information I could get from here, and I still didn't know who these people were. I'd have to do this the hard way.

Jumping off the deck, I let the Catalyst float me down most of the way before dropping me the last few feet. My arrival was heralded by an audible thunk, and I was treated to two pairs of eyes shooting my way.

My mind quickly ran through the scene. On the right, young blond man, wearing a black cap, jacket, and pants; somewhat tanned, but still obviously of North European descent; bandage over his nose; armor over his forearms and shins; and a checkerboarded… Den-Den Mushi, I think they were called, on his shoulder. He also looked vaguely familiar, even though I'm pretty sure he wasn't anyone I'd ever seen before. On the left, young…

My eyes narrowed as I tried to make out the other figure's gender. Looked vaguely feminine… I'd go with female, until she indicated otherwise. Shorter than Blondie, same taste in dark clothing (black and dark purple), though with a fedora instead of a cap and a splash of red at her neck. Dirty blonde hair, olive skin that looked natural instead of tanned… and a utility belt jammed to the gills with _stuff_. I counted at least eight pouches, as well as a flintlock pistol and a sai practically touching.

Neither of them looked particularly threatening; both had rather slim builds and only one was even armed. Still, in both JoJo and One Piece, appearance was often a _terrible_ indicator of threat level, so I didn't drop my guard.

That, and there was a third person in what I'm pretty sure was a Marine uniform being carried on Fedora's shoulders, unmoving and limp. The woman—at least, I'm pretty sure it was a woman—had dark _orange_ hair trimmed down to a buzz cut on the sides, and it was tickling my memory. That hairstyle, and the Marine uniform…

Ah. Bellemere, I'm pretty sure. I guess my memory about time fuckery is accurate.

For whatever reason—whether surprise, my close scrutiny, or something else—neither of them reacted for several seconds. Well, that wouldn't do. These people were our best ticket out of here.

Standing from the crouch I'd been in, I indicated the unconscious woman. "Friend of yours?"

"…Uh, friend of a friend?" Blondie posed.

"Close enough," Fedora nodded.

I hummed thoughtfully. "And is there any reason she's covered in enough gunpowder and gunpowder residue that I can smell it?"

" _She's a_ **sniper who just tried to give us EXTRA HOLES IN OUR** _ **bodies**_ **,"** the snail scoffed, its voice swapping in pitch, tone and even gender. " _ **NO DOI SHE REEKS LIKE A ONE-WOMAN ARMY."**_

I narrowed my eyes at the checkerboarded Den-Den Mushi, which appeared to be talking on its own in some weird radio patchwork. Could they do that? And that sense of familiarity was back and stronger than ever…

"That makes sense," I said slowly, nodding. I plastered a grin on my face, and I clapped my hands together. "So! Since it seems you're both stuck here, too, do either of you know any way to get out of here? We've got some time-sensitive stuff to take care of."

Fedora snorted. "Time-sensitive. _Here_. Please, tell another one." Her words were accompanied by amused chattering from an overgrown lizard—with _wings_ —scrambling around her ankles. Right, dragons are a thing around here. I mentally raised her threat level a notch.

"Heheh, that's a nice one, Soundbite, rewind his last sentence," Blondie transitioned from laughing to dead serious in a second as he suddenly pointed at me.

There was a brief rewinding noise from the snail before it started to speak in my voice. Okay, seriously, I knew this guy. I swear, it's on the tip of my tongue… " _We've got some time-sensitive stuff to take care of."_

Blondie tensed up and started to clench and unclench his fists. "You heard what I heard, right?" he asked his companion tersely.

"Yep." Fedora turned to scowl at me. "Tabarnak… I like a good fight as much as the next crazy person, but not when I'm carrying precious cargo."

" **Walk 'em out** _ **OR ELSE I GET THEM**_ _CHUCKIN' EVERYTHING THEY'VE eaten in the last week!"_ the Den-Den Mushi snarled grimly. " _ **And for the record? I'm not fuckin' exaggerating."**_

I resisted the urge to sigh. Man, I suck at negotiating. But then, I already knew that. Call in Koichi for diplomacy, call me if you want someone dead. Hell, even Jotaro's better at negotiating than me, and he has all the emotive capacity of a brick wall!

Anyway, I could probably take them, but I'd rather not kill our only ticket out of here, or piss off the companions they inevitably had. And I still didn't remember who Blondie was despite that nagging recognition. I _hate_ it when that happens!

"Woah, okay, let's not go crazy here," I said, raising my hands in placation. "I don't want to fight, and I wasn't planning on ambushing you guys."

Yet.

"But if it'll make you all feel better… Hey, Robin!"

"Yeah?" Robin called down from the ship above, both Blondie and Fedora exchanging glances, likely at the youth of her voice.

"Come on down, they want to meet you!"

"Aye-aye!"

There was a moment of silence, and then a mast crashed down to the deck several yards away from us, shattering into chunks of rotten wood. Then the wood crumbled into ash, swirling into a vaguely mast-shaped mass, which promptly snapped together into a pristine new mast. Robin skipped down a few seconds later, a happy grin on her face.

"Hi, my name's Robin Fung!" she said in greeting, waving her hand. Behind her, the mast collapsed back into shattered, rotten wood. "Weird name, huh? Blame this guy." That last was accompanied by a thumb jabbed my way.

Fedora's scowl morphed into what could only be called a puzzled glare, her mouth falling open with a hiss. "Son of a—!"

Blondie's reaction, however, was leagues more extreme… and rather amusing, too. Seriously, I didn't even _know_ jaws could go so low, or that a person could survive without a drop of blood in his face.

"R- _Robin?"_ he choked out incredulously.

Aaaaand just like that this wasn't funny anymore. I could see Robin's eyes widening slightly in my peripheral vision, though it was more out of surprise than fear. "Uh… have we met?" she asked.

"Or have you just seen the _wanted poster_ that's been floating around these waters?" I added, barely keeping from snarling. The Catalyst, as it's wont to do when my emotions run high, sprang into view behind me, looming ominously.

Robin opened her mouth, presumably to ask about that, but I raised my hand and she closed it. I wanted to see how they reacted to my words. I tried to watch their eyes, but that was a bit difficult, because they were looking over my… aaaah, shit, the Mist was making my Stand visible, wasn't it?

"Did I pull an all-nighter without noticing it?" Fedora wondered aloud, reaching one hand under her glasses to rub her eyes. "Because I think I'm hallucinating a modernized version of Red Skull."

…Scratch that, they can _fucking see it._ What the hell?! Do these two have Observation Haki? Oh, that would be bad news if they did.

"You… have a Stand…" Blondie choked out. Then his expression turned downright sickly as he snapped his attention back to Robin. "Wait… Stands and—!? Oh, frack me, _Bohemian Rhapsody!?"_

"How do you know that name?!" I snapped almost before he'd finished speaking, the Catalyst flashing out to grab Blondie by the throat and slam him against the nearest hard surface; the deck-edge railing, in this case.

As he gurgled, my mind was awhirl. How did this guy know about Stands, let alone one as specific and short-lived as Bohemian Rhapsody? And—

Wait.

The blond hair. The armored arms and legs, the Den-Den Mushi. Someone who's read JoJo, in a world where that didn't exist.

"—Lee? Lee!"

I blinked, seeing Robin tugging at my arm, looking angry. Then I glanced out, seeing the person I finally recognized starting to turn an unhealthy shade of blue, and Fedora in a fighting stance looking ready to jump into the fray. At a command, the Catalyst released him, letting him drop to the deck, hacking and coughing and clutching a clearly bruised throat.

"Xomniac?"

**-o-**

"Gagh, I, wha— _WHAT!?"_ I managed to bite out as I got my throat working again. "Sonnuva, how the hell do _you_ know _that_ name!?…wait…" I glanced skyward miserably. "Oh, come on, _another_ self-insert? Dunno how the hell you jiggered things so that we don't suck back home, but I'm still serious about a crossover being a shit gimmick!"

The grizzly-looking mofo who'd just _nearly ripped my spine out_ snorted at that, getting an exasperated sigh from tiny Robin (still trying not to freak out about that), and he took a deep breath, seeming to collect himself.

"I dunno, you didn't seem to think that when you dumped Priscilla and… what's his name, that ice dragon guy from… Dark Souls, was it? Anyway, when you dumped those two in Resuscitatio. And don't even get me started on Franken Fran."

"I WAS ON A SUCCESS HIGH, I ALREADY ACKNOWLEDGED THAT I FUCKED UP!" I roared indignantly at the impudent son of a bitch. Damn it, how long was he going to hold that shitfest over my head, it'd been weeks since we'd even… talked about…

…wait a second.

" _CV!?"_ I squawked, my eyes nearly popping out of my sockets.

Jones looked from me to CV and back again. "So… You know this guy? Do we have to fight him or not? I'm confused."

"You and me both," Robin muttered. "And just so you know, he could totally kick both your asses!"

"In the flesh," fucking _CV12Hornet_ said. He then proceeded to poke Robin in the back of the head. "Also, Robin? Please don't write checks that I have to cash."

My brain stalled and jarred as I tried and failed to to process just what the hell I was seeing. CV. CV12Hornet. An extremely skilled writer, my best editor. One of my best friends in the whole— _WHY THE HELL AM I STILL SITTING!?_

"DUDE!" I laughed elatedly, shooting to my feet and spreading my arms wide. I was promptly knocked off my feet by the man wrapping me up in a hug, strong arms squeezing the air out of me.

"You're alive, you crazy bastard!" CV crowed. "I told you going into a 'verse with superhuman baseline durability was a bad idea!"

"And you have a fucking _Stand!"_ I laughed back as I rammed my hands down on his back. "You went into JoJo and you crawled out the other end _in one fucking piece!_ Holy _shit_ dude, you—!… you…" I trailed off slowly before leaning back to give my old pal a bemused look. "Yooou've pulled a Joseph. Eesh, dude."

"What are you—?" CV began, before scowling. "I'm forty-six, dammit! And I like to think I look good for my age!"

"SORRY TO TELL YOU, _bub, but you look like you're pushing_ _ **SIXTY!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"And I think you need to get your eyes checked, Squashy!" Robin interjected, adding a stomp on the deck for emphasis. "He doesn't look a day over forty-five!"

"Thanks…" CV grumbled.

" _YOU WANNA SAY THAT_ **TO MY FACE,** _ **shortstack!?"**_ Soundbite snapped his jaws menacingly.

"Oh, lordy…" I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "I see where this is going… bah, while they're ripping each other's heads off—"

Beside us, Robin glared at Soundbite and drew herself to her full 5'5" height. "Yeah, I do! Your mother was a slug and your father was a hermit crab!"

"—wanna catch up?"

" _Ohoh, you wanna dance?_ **Bring it, cause I'm** _ **soooo**_ **scared of that knife in your face!** _ **OH WAIT, THAT'S YOUR**_ **NOSE!"**

CV eyed the insult-fest between Soundbite and Robin for a second before shrugging and nodding. "Sure. D'you want to start, or…?"

"Dude, I've been on these seas for six months, you've been in JoJo for the majority of your _life,"_ I deadpanned. "Who the hell do you _think_ has the more interesting story?"

"Still you," he replied with a smug grin. " _I_ haven't been hanging around a protagonist the whole time. Just some of the time."

"…fair 'nuff!" I grinned cockily as I started fiddling with my gauntlets. "And if I'm going first, let me cut off any 'comparing scars' nonsense early, because nothing you've got can top what I've got."

"I _seriously_ dooouoookay, nevermind…"

I revelled in the way my friend recoiled from my unbandaged arm, the vindictive joy pushing me through the sting of salt on my exposed nerves. "Yeaaaah, like a limb of molten mozzarella! Gooey and solid in all the wrong places! Touch it."

"How about _no?_ The last time I saw burns that bad, it was on a _corpse!_ "

"C'moooon, touch it!"

"Xom, get that thing away from me!"

"Touch it touch it touch it!"

"I will _melt_ the rest of you from the lungs out, so help me God!"

**-o-**

I laughed as Cross started chasing his friend around the deck waving… not the _most_ badly scarred hand I'd ever seen, since I used to work for a surgeon, but certainly up there. To be able to meet someone you knew in a place like this, so far from home… Although, this CV person seemed a lot older than I would've expected of someone Cross hung out with on Earth. Maybe he aged differently on his alternate timeline thingy? Oh, the joys of time-warp shenanigans.

Wait… Time-warp shenanigans—I'd come to _One Piece_ about a _year_ after Cross had, if not a little longer. The manga had progressed so much… Should I warn him about Sanji's family?…wait, warn—? Oh, holy hell, _Ace._ He still thought he was free and clear on that front, he had _no_ idea about the shitstorm waiting for him! Screw it, I know I would've wanted _him_ to warn _me_ , if our situations had been reversed. The more information you had, the better it was for making plans. That was something I'd managed to learn from _him._

Something flashed across my peripheral vision as I opened my mouth to speak. No one else noticed, still engaged in their banter. Suspicious, I turned to find whatever-it-was. Were we under attack? But no, all I saw was a ratty scrap of sail that had fallen from a nearby wreck. It had something written on it though. The dripping red text piqued my curiosity; I moved closer to read it.

_Go ahead and tell him._

Halfway through reading the note, something _flashed_ across my skin, and I was forced to lean over with a hiss when my forearms began to sting and burn. I almost dropped Bellemere in surprise. Twelve glowing lines of pain, almost as bad as when they'd been fresh. When I looked back, there was a sheet of impossibly sturdy paper lodged in the wood. One edge was lined in red; I was able to read three words before the pervasive moisture caused it to begin crumbling into pulp.

_**I dare you.** _

Tabarnak. This was that B.R.O.B. thing, wasn't it? Didn't want me messing with Cross' fate. …tch, fine, message received, you omni-everything fuck. Wasn't like it would matter anyways, because knowing Cross, he'd meet whatever challenges were coming head-on and grind them into the _dirt._ I paused at that thought. Huh. A lot more admiration there than I usually showed for anyone… except maybe Sensei. Hello, not-my-usual-writer.

Still, just in case… I freed one hand for a second to flip the sky off. "Merde! Fine, fine, have it your way. Just quit messing with the scars, my own writer does that enough already. And I may not be able to see you right now, but if I ever do find you… _Mon tabarnak j'vais te décalisser la yeule, calice!_ "

Slamming my foot on the note-mush for good measure, I grit my teeth and forced back the pain. It slowly subsided as I clenched and unclenched my muscles. Deep breaths; force a smile so no one would suspect I'd seen anything unusual.

Even if she wasn't all that heavy, carrying Bellemere was starting to get tiring. I'd _really_ appreciate getting to the ship so I could put her down and stretch out my shoulders; the muscles in my upper back were starting to seize up. Time to get people back on track. But how?

… _Yes_.

I crept up behind Cross while he was going after CV, my steps quiet on the worn wood. Not that I expected anyone except maybe Soundbite to hear me over the banter that was still in progress. Slipping one hand free, I reached for a famous and much-hated button, crazy grin growing across my face.

_**BWAAAAAAAAAH!** _

The noise hurt my ears something awful, but it was worth it. Everyone jumped, including me; I made sure my leap carried me _away_ from Cross and any possible vengeance. Five pairs of eyes fixed on me; Ruatha let out a reproachful croon of pain.

"Sesehihihihihi! Oh, that was _fun_. I can't believe I actually got the chance to do it!"

**-o-**

I recovered first from the incredible noise of the foghorn; the one benefit of being around so many explosions in my twenty-four years in Jojo. "Dang, that's loud," I groused, rubbing my ears. "You okay, Robin?"

"My eaaaars…" she groaned from where she was curled up on the deck. "Gimme a few minutes for the world to stop ringing…"

I nodded, and turned back towards Fedora, who was looking quite pleased with herself. "Soooo. I don't think we were ever introduced and I suppose blowing our eardrums is as good an introduction as any." I held my hand out towards her. "Lee Fung, better known as CV12Hornet in online circles."

She stared at my hand for a moment before awkwardly freeing one of her own to shake it. "Jones. Also an SI, although I don't know what name my writer uses. So… What was that Red Skull thing that grew up behind you earlier? Or was I _actually_ hallucinating again?"

Again? "Don't worry, you're not hallucinating," I explained once we broke the handshake. "This is my Stand, The Catalyst." Said Stand popped into view behind me as I mulled over how to explain this. "Think of it as… a manifested fighting spirit that gives you superpowers. I'm honestly surprised you can see it."

"So, sort of a cross between Haki and a Patronus? Cool." Jones shrugged at my latter words. "Afraid I can't help with the seeing thing, if people normally can't. Between the glasses and the crazy, it's hard for me to tell. Now, since you reacted so well to it, I hope you don't mind me using you as a human shield if anyone else was pissed off by the foghorn. Like I said, I don't like fighting with precious cargo." So saying, she ducked around to put me between her and the rest of the group.

On the plus side, while Robin was rubbing her ears and glaring at Jones, it seemed to be mostly annoyance. Xomniac and Soundbite, on the other hand, looked actually angry.

"And for the record, now that I _have_ a human shield?" she spoke up from behind me. "I see why you guys like doing that!"

"WE KNOW!" Xomniac and Soundbite hollered irritably.

"Sesehihihihihi!"

"Ugh… alright, moving on," Xom groaned. "You know the story as well as I do… uh, would you prefer CV or Lee?"

I let a grin spread across my face. "Yes."

"…Right." He slapped his hand to his face with a sigh before splitting his fingers and… glancing at Robin? "So. Child Robin. Considering the setting you walked out of, I take it that my guess about Bohemian Rhapsody was right?"

I opened my mouth to respond—

"That's right!"

And then Robin cut in, grabbing my arm and grinning sunnily.

"He tried to save me from the ice guy but kept getting frozen and then this weird arrowhead cut me and it really hurt but it gave me a Stand—" And here Pompeii - a humanoid, vaguely female figure in grey plaster and jagged black volcanic rock, Roman numerals making a clock over its chest - sprang to life and gave a wave. "So I could keep him alive and then he went and kicked the bad guy's a—butt, and then because I had a Stand I was able to stay and not go back into that comic book for weird reasons I don't get and Lee adopted me and it was awesome!"

"What she said," I interjected in the silence that followed before glancing back at Jones. "Also, maybe I should carry Bellemere from now on."

My suggestion earned a scowl, of all things. Despite looking like she could use a break, Jones was glaring like I'd just threatened to kill her dragon. "No. No, I'm good."

Well, alright then. Let her suffer in silence. Arguing with that kind of stubbornness generally got you a boot to the head. At best. "Suit yourself."

Meanwhile…

"Riiiight…" Cross stared at Robin for a second longer before affixing me with a flat glare. "For the record? If my Robin pulls a Joestar and gets a Stand by extension or association or what the hell ever and starts shifting art-styles, I blame _you."_

"Duly noted," I blandly stated. "Anyway, now that the exposition's out of the way, I hope one of your ships is around so we can sit down and hash out how the hell we're going to get out of here."

"Sunny's over… thattaway," Cross jerked his thumb in the direction his snail indicated. "We're planning on regrouping there so that Chopper… actually, now that I think about it, do I need to clarify him as 'my' Chopper?" he glanced at Jones in askance.

"Nah, I think you're good." She shook her head. "I doubt we'll need to deal with _those_ kinds of hijinks…" Her expression fell flat. "And it's not like your Chopper could be confused with mine by any sane person anyways."

"Uh…?" Robin slowly raised her hand curiously. "If they're the same person, why not?"

" _It MIGHT have_ **something to do with the fact that** _ **one is NUTTIER THAN A**_ **SQUIRREL AND** _ **strapped with**_ EXPLOSIVES," Soundbite responded flatly.

"…Withdrawn," Robin muttered, Pompeii shimmering briefly into existence and rubbing its neck nervously behind her.

"Shall we?" I interjected, indicating the direction Cross had pointed.

"Allons-y!" the relatively native pirate proclaimed as he forged on energetically.

**~o~**

"Ah, mi casa at last!" I laughed in relief, swinging my arms out wide as the beautiful, tri-masted form of my home and steed came into sight through the mists. "It's not su casa, but he'll take you in all the same. Nice, eh?"

Lee didn't say anything for a long moment in favor of staring with furrowed brows at the ship. "…Wasn't the Thousand Sunny supposed to be a brig sloop?" he asked at last.

"That was with a ฿200 million budget. Thanks to me, we had ฿500 million, _and_ a ship-whisperer involved in the construction process." I couldn't help but shoot a cocky grin over my shoulder at Jones. "Top _that,_ rookie."

"That implies a situation where we need Sunny in the first place, asshat," Jones deadpanned.

"…also implies you make it to Water 7 period?" I offered sheepishly.

"As if we won't," Jones rolled her eyes before shifting Bellemere about with a grunt. "Look, quit rubbing your superior experience in my face and help me figure this out; I don't have enough hands to climb while holding a person." Her words were accompanied by what I was pretty sure was the dragon equivalent of a raspberry from Ruatha.

"Right, I thought the Wikipedia page for barques looked familiar…" Lee muttered, ignoring the exchange as he kept looking over Sunny. "Oh, and speaking of hands? Robin just climbed up the side while you two were arguing."

"Wait, _what!?"_ I snapped my attention to him in shock. "Why didn't you—!?"

" _Brace,"_ Soundbite droned flatly.

I hastily snapped my headphones over my ears…

"EEEEEEE!"

_Just_ in time to dodge the supersonic shriek that came within milliseconds of rending my eardrums. Prepubescent girls: an aspect of modern life I _so_ did not miss.

Others, however…

" _Dick…"_ Jones ground out as she got a hand free and dug a finger through her ear.

"Yeah, she's got a _fantastic_ set of pipes, doesn't she?" Lee said, a smug grin on his face telling just how much experience he had with this. "Oh, and to answer your question, Xom, I didn't say anything because I try to be fairly hands-off as a parent. Oh, and because I thought it'd be funny."

" _HE'S AS_ **BAD AS** _ **YOU, PARTNER!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"And as confusing to boot."

"GRK!" I went ramrod stiff as a _specific_ voice spoke up behind me, and I slowly turned a twitching grin up to the Sunny's railing. "H-Heya, Robin. IIII'm guessing you have a few questions."

"I'll save the ones for your… _friend_ for a later time," she cast a pointed glance at Lee for a moment before refocusing on me. "Currently, however?" She hefted… _an_ arm up, exposing the fact that her mini-me had latched onto her like a lamprey and was staring at her with particularly twinkly eyes. "I'd very much like an explanation for _this."_

"Lee, you were right!" Younger Robin giggled ecstatically as she rubbed her cheek against… well, her _own_ arm. "I'm gonna be _sooo hooot_ when I grow up!"

"Told you that brat Mikaela was just jealous!" Lee shot her a thumbs-up.

"Ergh…" I dragged a hand down my face with a groan before jerking my thumb at Jones and her… _baggage._ "Look, I'll explain things soon enough. For now, mind if I start by trying to explain _that_ to the crew?"

Robin hummed noncommittally for a moment before shrugging and conjuring a makeshift ladder of limbs on Sunny's side. "Pass her here. Best you come on first though, so that you can help me lift her up."

"On it," I saluted, hastily clambering up her limbs and waving down at Jones once I was on deck. "Alright, pass 'er up!"

" _Finally_." There was a relieved sigh as Jones heaved Bellemere up high enough that Robin could grab her and start passing her up. "Merde… I'm gonna be so stiff tonight. Make sure you watch her head, eh? And get her to Chopper ASAP."

"Yeah, yeah, I got her," I nodded absentmindedly, keeping my head on a swivel even as I hooked my arms under Bellemere's arms. "Now let's hurry up and do this before Nami sees—!"

"Before Nami sees _what_ exactly?"

A loud smack echoed from down on the shore where Lee still was.

"GRK!" I barely kept from fumbling the Marine as I shot a panicked glance over my shoulder at Nami and Vivi, who'd _somehow_ managed to walk up behind me without anyone warning me. I spared snarls at a _far_ too satisfied Soundbite and Robin (the older one I mean, damn this was going to be confusing…) before smiling tersely at the two. "N-Nami! Good timing, _great_ timing really! I-I-I was just going to go and get you! I, ah, j-j-just discovered something in the Mists you'll want to know about!"

"Yeah, funny story about that…" Vivi cocked her eyebrow at me. "See, we found something pretty incredible too."

And with that she stepped aside to reveal… an older woman who looked just like _oh bloody hell!_

"QUEEN TITI, MA'AM!" I yelped, hastily spinning around to snap her a saluuuu _oooh shit._

_THUNK!_

I flinched as the meaty thump of flesh and bone striking flesh and bone rang out. "I can explain that."

"GAH! _TABARNAK,_ YOU DROPPED HER RIGHT ON MY _HEAD_ , YOU ASS!"

"I can explain that too."

I tried not to flinch as our navigator leaned to the side to look past me, where Bellemere was sprawled out on the deck in front of a sour-looking Jones, who wasn't rubbing the top of her head only because Ruatha was licking the spot.

"Cross," Nami asked dryly, her eyes slowly narrowing. "Would you care to explain to me why my _once-dead-mother_ is lying down there and why she looks like she got kicked in the face?"

"Er…" I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably as I tried to look anywhere but at her. "Beeecause someone kicked her in the face?"

"I thought you described your friend as 'eloquent'?" the un-deceased queen of Alabasta asked her daughter with honest curiosity.

"Eh," Vivi waved her hand. "It comes and goes with the tides."

" _Bite me,"_ I hissed out of the corner of my mouth, slapping my resident pest's shell before he could get any bright ideas.

"Would it be too crass to make a concussion joke?" Lee chose that exact time to _very helpfully_ cut in as he climbed up the side. "Because this is, what, the third time she's gotten knocked on the head today?"

"Only the second, you bastard!" I called down acridly, before flinching as Nami's fingers dug furrows into the railing. "Aaaaand that is _so_ not helping my case, is it?"

"No. No, it's not." Hands appeared on the rail as Jones heaved herself up. Ruatha came up separately, and a little ways away- dragon must have good instincts for avoiding trouble. Jones sighed. "Anyways, look… Nami, my name is Jones. I know you might not know me, but I just want you to hear me out: Cross might be an idiot—!"

"Oi!"

"—But to be fair, this time this mess isn't _entirely_ his fault."

"OI!"

Jones shot a glare at me before looking at Nami regretfully. "As I was saying… yes, some of it was me, and I'm really sorry about hurting your mother. Feel free to exact your pounds of flesh as needed, just don't hurt us too bad; can't have Soundbite and Ruatha becoming orphans now, can we?"

For the longest time, Nami just stood in place, spinning her Clima-Tact, at her side. Finally, she thunked it in place at her side and heaved a sigh. "I'm… actually _not_ going to hurt you two."

It was like some great divinity had chosen to _smile_ upon us, my heart felt so light. "Really?" I breathed euphorically, tears of hope glistening in my eyes.

"You're serious!?" Jones asked in shock.

"Entirely," Nami nodded solemnly, gesturing at her ear. "See, after a recent incident? I have a bit of a hard time working up as much temper as I could before. I'm not exactly _happy_ about this situation, by no stretch of the imagination, but I'm certainly not going to fly off the handle and _maul_ the both of you. So yeah, you don't need to worry about me."

I was sitting on Cloud 9, but apparently Jones was a bit more distrustful, if the sheen of sweat on her brow was anything to go by. "And… why doesn't that reassure me? _At all?_ "

"Oh, that's an easy one," Nami's suddenly _demonic_ smile killed my joy cold, and the way she snapped the Eisen-section off her staff and started tossing it up and down in her palm didn't help either. "See, without my temper, I can't really get riled up enough to do shit to you."

Without warning, Nami tossed the tube of metal to the side, and I traced its flight through the air - before locking up in terror as a positively _irate_ Nami snatched it out of the air.

"That's why _she's_ here," my Nami smirked as she walked over to her alternate, carrying Bellemere on her back as she walked around the stormfront that was rapidly expanding behind her double. "I'd wish you good luck… buuut honestly I really hope that this _hurts."_

"You." The alt-Nami hissed murderously, a downright deadly look in her eyes as the clouds around her roiled and snapped grimly. "Concussed. My _mother."_

**-o-**

White nibbled at the edges of my vision; I felt like I was about to faint. "Parlay?" I offered weakly- not that I really expected anything to come of it. And surprise, surprise, nothing did, unless you count my Nami - my normal, un-altered, _still_ rage-filled Nami - turning her terrifying gaze on _me_.

"You. Concussed. My. _Mother_ ," she hissed.

And then… the air _exploded._

"YOU _IDIOTS!_ "

A wave of solid cloud slammed into me and Cross before we could say shit, taking us clean off our feet and pinning us to the galley wall with bruising force.

My first reaction? Ow. My second reaction? _Owwwww_. Tabarnak, clouds were _not_ supposed to be this hard. Funny how _that_ was the first thing to go through my head, instead of something like 'oh crap, the Namis have met,' or 'don't cross the streams.' Although it was probably a little late for the latter. I gasped, trying to get my wind back, but apparently Cross got there first.

"N-Nami!" he wheezed frantically, struggling against his binds. "I-I know you're pissed at us, but if you'll just let me explain-!"

"Gag him," the _This Bites!_ Nami instructed mine coolly as she examined her fingernails.

"— _MMPH!?"_ Cross let out a muffled howl as a tendril of iron cloud clamped down over his mouth.

_This Bites!_ Vivi—ah, screw it, I'm not doing that forever—TB!Vivi whistled in awe. "Wow, that was actually impressive."

Titi tilted her head towards her daughter, her attention never leaving our pinned forms. "Yes, this _is_ quite the impressive display of how unique the Grand Line can be, isn't it?"

"Hm?" TB!Vivi blinked at her mother in confusion before 'ah'ing in understanding. "Oh, no, not that, our Nami has those clouds out 24/7, they're practically her own personal aura. _I_ was talking about her gagging Cross. Smartest thing anyone's ever done in a fight against him by far."

"MMPH MU!" Cross let out a smothered roar at her.

"Language!" Lee laughed up at him.

"MMH MPH!" The anarchy-raiser snapped his glare to his old friend, who only reacted with a smile and wave.

My Nami shot a glance at TB!Nami. "Should I do something about the snail too? Or is it just there for decoration?"

TB!Nami—man, this was confusing—thought for a moment, then waved her off. "Nah, it's fine. Not like it would stick anyways, and without the puppetmaster he's mostly harmless."

" _ **OI!"**_ Soundbite roared indignantly.

"Oh, so you're saying that _you_ know how to break someone's spirit with just a few words?" TB!Nami questioned flatly.

" **I—!"** Soundbite started to bark before glancing to the side uncertainly. " **Alright fine, emotional torture is** _and always will be_ CROSS'S FORTE." He then perked up eagerly. " _ **On the other hand,**_ **PHYSICAL TORTURE** _OF THE AUDIAL VARIETY_ _ **IS MY FORTISSISSIMO!"**_

"Nice pun," Lee remarked.

"MRPH!" Cross flailed furiously.

" _ENOUGH."_

All conversation stopped as my Nami's voice lashed out over the deck.

Then, eyes a few millimeters of blood pressure away from glowing red, she advanced on us until she was just out of kicking range. The clouds tightened around us, a promise inherent in their binds. "Jones… I'll give you one chance to tell me _who kicked my mother's face in_. And I'm warning you now." She snapped her finger over her shoulder to point at where both Robins were watching over the KO'd Marine. "You might be my friend, but that is my _mother._ So! If I wind up being unhappy with the answer…" Her grip on the metal tube tightened to the point where her knuckles popped.

Nope, not saying anything. I'm not a snitch. Biting my lip, I did my best to avoid Nami's gaze. Hopefully she'd get whatever punishment she had in mind over with quickly and we could move past—!

" _It was Jones!"_

WHAT.

" _MRPH?!"_ Cross squawked just as incredulously.

" _YOU HEARD ME!"_ Soundbite cackled madly, his eyestalks jabbing in my direction. "SCARFACE HERE _decided to punt the Marine dead center!_ _ **Quite viciously too, I might add!"**_

Oh, that little… "YOU FOUL, SCHEMING LITTLE _TURD_ OF POND SCUM!" I spat at the slimy shit, straining at him as much as physically possible. "I SHOULD BAKE YOU IN GARLIC BUTTER AND SERVE YOU WITH FRENCH BREAD! AND I HOPE THAT WHEN YOU GET REINCARNATED, IT'S INTO A FUCKING _SALT-SHAKER!_ "

" _ **Bring it the hell on, you two-faced, TWO-MINDED,**_ **HALF-BAKED Impact Dial!"** the slimy git leered. " _I ain't goin' down for the shit YOU'VE DONE!"_

Half-baked? _Half-baked_? Oh, we'd see who was half-baked. "When I get out of here, I'm going to shove my ' _half-baked'_ Newton's Second down your _goddamn—_ GAH!"

" _ **GYRK!"**_

"Oh, will you both just SHUT UP?!" The clouds tightened even further, also extending to wrap around Soundbite. If my Nami wasn't livid before, she was now. Oops. "I don't care who, but _someone_ better give me a straight answer, or—!"

"Well, I'm no doctor," Lee cut in from where he had moved to examine Bellemere. "But besides the boot to the face, from the bruising and her pupils she took a nasty fall onto her side, and also a bright light in her face. Which of those two does that sound like?"

The Namis looked at each other. "Bright light sounds like Cross' Gastro-Flash," TB!Nami offered. My Nami's expression darkened.

"And Jones tends to blow up and throw people across the battlefield. So it was _both_ of them. Thank you."

"You're welcome!" Lee cheerfully replied. "So, what're you gonna do—?"

Suddenly, crackling noises filled the air and the atmosphere _reeked_ of ozone.

TB!Nami's eyes shot wide as she shot her hand to her suddenly lighter hip. " _Shit!_ Nonono, wait—!"

Lee, too, looked rather panicked. "Shit!" The Catalyst sprang to life. "Stop!"

_Tabarnak_. This wasn't gonna be pretty. Sparks began to dance around the iron clouds, blue and white and gold. Tiny zaps of static- like you get from a wool carpet- preceded the incoming storm. I grit my teeth and closed my eyes, bracing myself for pain.

" _OKAY, HAPPY-HAPPY-FUNTIME_ **STOPS HERE!** _**SUCK IT!**_ "

No- no pain? "Eh?" I cracked an eye open. Nami- my Nami- was kneeling on the ground, her hands over her ears, looking like she was about to vomit. TB!Nami stood over her, clutching two thirds of a Clima-Tact. The iron clouds receded, dropping me and Cross to the deck with a thud. Not far away, I heard a groan in a vaguely familiar voice. Oh, good, Bellemere was waking up.

Both Namis froze at that sound. They turned in slow unison to look at the red-headed Marine. Cross and I were forgotten in a clatter of heels as the navigators raced across the deck to check on their mother. I let out a sigh of relief at the lack of lightning treatment.

" _Bellemere_!" The Marine was engulfed in hugs as soon as she made to sit up. Both Namis looked like they might start crying at any moment; Bellemere, for her part, was totally confused.

"N-Nami?" Glancing at the two women hugging her didn't help the Marine's confusion. She reached up to wipe blood from her face, wincing as she touched her nose. "This- This is a dream, right? Because last time I checked, you were three years old, and I'm pretty sure I didn't have twins."

"If it _is_ a dream, I'm not sure I want to wake up." My Nami glanced back at me out of the corner of my eye. "It's almost good enough for me to forgive those idiots for what they did."

"Really?" I couldn't quite keep the eagerness out of my voice. Beside me, Cross sagged in relief. Half a second later, a thrown bottle bounced off my head. Nami smiled.

"Okay, _now_ I can forgive them."

"Ow…" I grumbled, rubbing the spot where the bottle had hit me. Thankfully, both Namis were now focused entirely on their tearful reunion with their mother, leaving only TB!Vivi, who was looking thoughtfully at me, and her mother Titi, who seemed content to just watch with an amused smile on her face.

Actually, Vivi was outright staring at me. And then she was staring at Lee. And then back at me. Creepy…

"So, which one of you is Cross's?" she asked.

Lee shot a confused glance my way, to which I could only shrug. Cross's what? Who knows? Denied an answer from me, he turned back to Vivi, raising a finger. "Uh, Cross's what?"

"Oh, his loved one," she clarified, looking a little sheepish. "Sorry, it's just… everyone else ran off to who knows where because after my…" There was a slight hitch to her voice that was _rife_ with both disbelief and joy. "My _mother_ and Serra - Conis' mother," she clarified at our confused looks. "After they came out of the mist, we all figured out that our loved ones were somehow coming out of the Mists. I was just wondering which of you was Cross's."

"That would probably be me," Lee answered, raising his hand. "I was one of his best friends back, uh… home."

When TB!Vivi looked askance at me, I rolled my eyes with a heavy sigh. "I'm with the _other_ Straw Hats. You know, the crew a dimension to the left and a few months behind?"

The princess opened her mouth, closed it, and frowned. "…I cannot, for the life of me, _believe_ that I'm not questioning that sentence. Now, if you'll excuse me…" A dreamy look came over Vivi's face as she turned towards where her mother was happily helping keep a _visibly_ shellshocked Bellemere stable. "I have to get back to a _long_ overdue reunion."

And with that, she left.

_I_ wanted to question that sentence as I looked out over our two ships, which were slowly starting to fill with recently returned members of separate Straw Hat crews and their _often deceased_ loved ones. But… weird as it was, this still had nothing on _-All You Zombies-_ , so if I could accept that… I sighed and shook my head.

"So… Lee, was it?" I looked over at the by-far-oldest of the three of us. "When did you leave Mother Earth to descend into a realm of madness?"

"Tail end of 2016," he answered, leaning back onto a nearby railing. "Right before I was set to leave on a family New Years' vacation to Los Angeles, if I remember correctly. You?"

"November of the same year."

Lee grinned. "Hey, Xom!" he called out. "D'you want us to- *snrk*"

I frowned in confusion as Lee hastily clamped his hand over his mouth to dampen the amused snort I'd heard. Whatever it was that had provoked that, it had to do with Cross, so I turned around and—

Okay, I have to admit: Cross' comically angry face, accompanied by fingers jabbing at his cloud gag and a lot of angry "Mrph!"s, was definitely something to laugh at.

Still grinning like a loon, Lee said, "Ladies, I don't know how you made those clouds last, and while I think it's _hilarious…_ would you remind removing Cross' gag for him? I want him speaking for this."

" **AGREED!"** Soundbite chimed in. " _He can't_ **appreciate my** _ **genius**_ **LIKE THIS** _ **!"**_

"Mmph mm— _GAH!"_ Cross yelped as a tendril of Iron Cloud literally slapped the gag off of him. "Oh, thank God! Finally!" The anarchy-lover shot a scathing glare at his crew's navigator. "I want two digits off my debt for that, you… damn…" he trailed off into a smirk as he eyed Bellemere nearby.

TB!Nami, for her part, waved her hand dismissively. "Yeeeah, that's not happening in a million—eh?" She interrupted herself when a hand landed on her shoulder - and then paled when she trailed it back to the _very_ twitchy face of her visibly displeased mother.

"What was that…" Bellemere intoned darkly. "About a 'debt'?"

" _Meep,"_ TB!Nami squeaked unintelligibly, sounding for all the world like a kid whose hand had been caught in the cookie jar.

"Hehehehe, sucker," Cross chuckled sadistically as he watched a suddenly-lively Bellemere browbeat our navigators before refocusing on our conversation. "Aaaaaanyways, CV, you were saying?"

"How would you like to hear how 2016 went?" he said, grin stretching ear-to-ear.

I blinked in confusion as Cross perked up intently. Why would he be looking forward to that? I mean, sure, it was a crazy year, but- wait a minute. _This Bites!_ was published in _2015_. Cross doesn't know anything about that year, and Soundbite most likely wouldn't have cared enough to share with him.

Oh, this was going to be fun.

"And I'll make sure this guy stays _accurate_ and doesn't _embellish_ ," I added, a grin of my own spreading over my face.

Cross glanced back and forth between us before heaving a sigh. "I know I'm going to regret this, but… fire away. It can't have been that crazy."

"Oh, very poor choice of words," Lee chided. "Hey, does anyone have any booze handy?"

From the Merry, docked next to the Sunny we were currently on, a bottle came sailing up. From the way Lee hastily crossed his arms over his face, he hadn't been expecting tha- Tabarnak! That… _Stand_ keeps surprising me. In fact, it seems almost automatic. In any case, Lee took the bottle, popped it open, and took a deep gulp from it.

"Terrible," he grumbled, his face a mask of disgust. "Alright. 2016. It all started with this _fucking_ gorilla…"

**-o-**

Steel clashed against steel, forming a strange, ringing battle music. Anyone not bearing a sword had the good sense to stay well away- even if they were a person usually lacking in good sense. This wasn't a spar; this was a curbstomp, this was a _massacre_ , this was—

This was, Yosaku reflected as he was thrown into the air by a miniature tornado, going very poorly.

He didn't blame Big Bro, really. As a swordsman, he understood what an amazing opportunity it was: a chance to spar with your older self, to learn things from him. But really, was the appropriate reaction to having your opening salvo blocked so effortlessly that you _couldn't even tell if your opponent had woken up_ **really** to grab two friends who were just _minding their own business_ in the galley and declare it an exercise in teamwork? And then that little girl had charged in, momentarily shocking both Zoros before the battle heated up more than ever.

…Okay, maybe he _did_ blame Big Bro. Just a little.

Further philosophizing was cut short by the imminent impact with the nearest bulkhead. The green hunter wheezed as he landed hard; Johnny came down on his back a second later.

"Is it just me, or are we getting our asses kicked?" he groaned.

"Rhino Cycle!"

Yosaku looked up just in time to see the older Zoro flick two blades up in a quick spinning maneuver that tore lines across the younger Zoro's chest and sent him staggering backwards into a rail. "Nope, it's not just you, Bro. It's you, me, Big Bro, and that weird Li'l Sis with the shinai. We're _all_ getting our asses kicked."

"Well, technically, she's not getting her ass kicked," Johnny pointed out as said shinai-wielding young girl tried to land a thrust on the older Zoro's leg. "He's just letting her flail at him without getting hit." Sure enough, the swordsman sidestepped the blow with almost criminal ease, his focus rooted entirely on his younger counterpart. "Honestly? I know he's trying to be kind, and I get why, but that's pretty insulting as a swordsman."

True enough, the young girl was _livid_. Her face was red as a tomato as she continued to swing futilely at the man who was ignoring her. The girl's attacks became sloppier and sloppier as her anger took control, until she finally snapped and started _screaming_ as she fought.

"TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, DAMN IT!" Tears welled up at the corners of her eyes, but she didn't let them fall. "YOU MEN- YOU THINK YOU'RE SO TOUGH! THINK GIRLS ARE DELICATE, CAN'T TAKE ANY PAIN! NEWS FLASH! WE HAVE TO GIVE _BIRTH_ TO YOU NUMBSKULLS! THAT HURTS A HELL OF A LOT!"

She paused, panting, before launching back into both her attack and her rant with renewed vigour. And this time, a disproportionately large number of her strikes seemed to be targeting Zoro's groin. "I CAN DO _ANYTHING_ A BOY CAN DO, AND I'LL PROVE IT! YOU THINK YOU'RE _SO_ GREAT BECAUSE YOU'RE TALLER THAN US AND YOU HAVE TESTICLES—LET'S SEE HOW _YOU_ FUNCTION WITHOUT THOSE _DELICATE_ BITS OF ANATOMY! AND WHILE YOU'RE ON THE GROUND WHIMPERING IN PAIN, _I'LL_ GO ON AND BECOME THE WORLD'S GREATEST SWORD-FIGHTER! TAKE _THAT_ , YOU MISOGYNISTIC MOSS—!"

"Kuina, will you SHUT UP ALREADY?!" the elder Zoro roared, his swords flashing out—!

"Yosaku!" Johnny yelped, shooting to his feet, sword in hand.

"Right behind you!" Yosaku replied, doing the same.

Their urgency came from the fact that, after pushing away his younger counterpart (read: knocking him into a wall hard enough to rock the ship), Zoro had turned his blades—his very sharp blades—on the young girl. As they watched, both swords… hooked their blunt edges under her armpits? And lifted her? And—

"Oh, shit!" both swordsmen yelped as the hilt of Wado Ichimonji flashed up and slammed into Kuina's temple, launching her at them at a pretty respectable clip. And with their own forward momentum, they had no chance to dodge.

As such, Kuina slammed sideways into Johnny, the sudden reverse in momentum carrying both of them into Yosaku behind, and from there into the wall and then a groaning heap on the deck.

"It's not because you're a girl that I'm going easy on you," the insensate swordsmen heard the elder Zoro grind out. "It's because—" Silence, stretching for several seconds. "Because it's really hard to step on ants without killing them."

Johnny and Yosaku gaped, and Kuina looked murderous. It was his younger self, however, who responded, his voice livid.

"You can't even be a year older than I am. How did you get strong enough to earn the right to start talking like Mihawk?!" he snapped.

"I'm still nowhere close to beating _him,"_ the older Zoro scoffed, refocusing his attention. "But I doubt that you're too far off from where I am. What's the last island you left?"

"Drum," Yosaku and Johnny groaned in unison.

The older Zoro nodded. "Just a few more months, then. The Grand Line has a tendency to push you past your limits. Over, and over, and over again," he added with the barest hint of exasperation. He considered for a moment, and shrugged. "Then again, I had some help. It's amazing what beating up on another swordsman all the time reveals about your own fighting style."

Johnny and Yosaku had already fainted before their Zoro turned back towards them.

Kuina forced herself to her feet, a teary smile on her face. "I guess… Congratulations, Zoro. You finally got good enough to beat me. But I won't give up! If you've gotten this good, then I just have to get even better! I _will_ prove that girls can be master swordsmen!"

There was more steel in her words than any child that age should be capable of. It made both Zoros flinch. They glanced at each other, questioning. Then, through the sort of mental rapport only possible for identical twins and clones, they came to a decision. The elder Zoro sighed.

"I'm gonna tell her."

"Don't you dare!" the younger Zoro hissed.

"Tell me what?" Kuina asked innocently.

The two Zoros exchanged a stricken look, and came to some sort of mutual agreement. "Nothing," they said in unison and more than a little haste.

Kuina frowned and folded her arms. "You may have improved with your swords, but you're still a terrible liar. Both of you."

**-o-**

"—but the year went by, and none of the king's wives had a child!" The younger Usopp paused dramatically before rushing on with his story. His elder counterpart and their mother shot him amused looks.

"Yet when the king came in the next day, the eldest of his wives informed him that he now had a beautiful daughter. He was delighted. But when he asked to see the child, his wives wouldn't let him. It was not a human child that had been born in the nursery that morning, but a small, white kitten. When pressed, his wives told the king that he couldn't see his daughter because it had been foretold that if any man should look upon her before her wedding day, the princess would die a terrible death."

"Many years passed. The feline princess grew up into a beautiful cat under the care of the king's wives. Soon the time came for the wives to seek a husband for their precious daughter. But where would they find a prince willing to wed a cat? It took a year and a day of scouring the land, but finally they found a lad who would do as they asked."

"The prince married the cat, and continued to find excuses to look after her in secret as the wives had done. By this point the king was anxious and restless, having had a daughter for fifteen years without laying eyes on her. He demanded to see the girl, but the prince continued to deny him."

"One day, a watching goddess saw the white cat crying in her room. Full of pity and confusion, the goddess descended to ask what was wrong. The cat princess lamented that she was forever trapped in that room, and could do nothing to help the increasingly harried prince. She loved him, as much as a cat could love a human, and wished she could in some way lessen his burdens."

"Touched by the cat's story, the goddess brought her a magical fruit. One bite, she told the princess, would be enough to turn her into a human girl- albeit one with animal traits, that her prince might still recognize her. The cat princess didn't need to think; she thanked the goddess and immediately took that fateful bite. Seconds later footsteps came stomping down the hall. The goddess vanished as the door opened."

"Imagine the prince's surprise when he opened the door to find not the cat he'd married, but a lovely girl wrapped in white cloth. At first he was enraged, demanding to know what had happened to his precious feline. But the princess wept and told him of what had occurred, pointing out patches of white fur on her shoulders and back that showed what she had been."

"Once over his shock, the prince was delighted. He and the princess spent many days together, getting to know one another in truth and falling in love as humans do. Eventually, the prince brought his beloved to meet her supposed father- and thus, even the king got his happily ever after."

"That was great." The elder Usopp applauded briefly before puffing out his chest. "But wait til you hear mine!"

**-o-**

[So… this is the Chopper we were supposed to get before Cross showed up,] Leo remarked.

[I'm… honestly kinda disappointed. Is anyone else disappointed?] Raphey said.

"Sorry…" the tiny reindeer hugged the strange stick he was carrying, his ears drooping.

[No, no, don't apologize!] Mikey said, waving his flippers in apology. [We'd have been perfectly fine with you if you'd been on our crew!] That said, he shot a glare at his fellow ship's guards. [ _Right_ , guys?]

[Changing the subject away from Mikey's rather sad attempt at intimidation—]

[Hey!]

[What is that outfit you're wearing?] Donny finished.

"This?" Chopper plucked at the sleeve of his very odd shirt. "This is my jersey. I play hockey—well, usually I'm the mascot, but I got to be a defenseman one time. It was a lot of fun!" He turned to proudly display the number on his back. "Look! I was number 17!"

Two completely blank stares met the reindeer's nervous gaze. The other two dugongs' faces lit up, each coming to their own conclusion about what the tiny doctor meant. Their voices competed as they simultaneously blurted out their conclusions.

[Cool!] Mikey beamed. [Too bad you weren't a goalie though; those masks are freaky awesome!]

[You already know Haki?] Raphey asked, impressed. [How does that work? I thought your crew just left Drum Kingdom.]

"No,no, no! Not _Ha_ ki, _hoc_ key!" The tiny reindeer waved his stick around and pulled a small, heavy black object from beneath his jersey to show them. "It's the national sport of Drum Kingdom, almost everyone plays or watches every chance they get. You need two teams of between eleven and sixteen players, some good ice, and a puck—like this one! And they all have sticks. Now, the point is…" Chopper's voice became gradually higher and higher as he began to explain the rules of this game, his stick swinging ever more erratically as he used it to emphasize his words. More than one of these swings forced passersby to jump or duck, lest they be brained by sturdy wood.

Mikey's eyes followed the stick as if hypnotized. [I am both extremely disappointed and extremely happy with this development.]

"—And because Larry couldn't skate with a scalpel lodged in his sciatic nerve, I got to play defense for a Leafs-Seas game!" Chopper's expression turned into a dark, angry pout. "But we lost… Stupid Seas and their stupid Rocket brothers. They always steal all the glory! The Leafs haven't won the Bighorn Cup in almost fifty years!" This final exclamation was accompanied by a particularly violent swing, which the dugongs were forced to duck.

[…I am no longer disappointed,] Donny whimpered dumbly.

Chopper didn't appear to hear him. In fact,the little reindeer appeared to be searching for something, his eyes lit up with a manic light. "I'm sure we'll win next time though! We have to! Maybe it'll help if I—!"

_THWACK!_

"Ow!" Chopper yelped, clutching a rising goose egg on his skull. He turned his gaze on the culprit, Donny, who was lowering his bo staff and staring at it in bewilderment. "Why did you do that?!"

Shaking his head, Donny said, [Sorry, force of habit. We have to do this to our Chopper all the time, and you were starting to sound like him.]

Chopper stared in something akin to horror at Donny, then slowly creaked his gaze around to a disappointed Mikey putting his nunchucks away. He thought of the lather he was working himself into, how angry he got whenever the thought of the Seas and their _thrice-damned_ Rocket Brothers either beat his Leafs or won another championship. Really, that left him only one possible response.

"…what kind of person did I _become!?"_ he demanded.

" _Salutations, colleagues!"_

The poor reindeer nearly shifted into Jump Point from sheer surprise at the voice coming from behind him.

[That kind,] the four Dugongs sighed.

It was easy to tell the difference between the two reindeer; the Dugongs' crewmate's hat and pants were identical, but the senior Zoan was topless and hefting a notably larger backpack. The face, though, was the main difference: after all, the younger reindeer certainly didn't go around with a smile that belonged in a Lewis Carroll novel and a look in his eyes that screamed ' _I'm going to do violent, bloody SCIENCE to you!'_

The hockey-obsessed reindeer clutched his stick to his chest in an attempt to slow his rapidly beating heart. "He-Hello!" Glancing around, the sight of two Zoros scowling at a little girl reminded Chopper of what he'd been doing before he ran into the dugongs. The little doctor smiled nervously at his older self. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to help me look and see if Doctor Hiriluk is around here somewhere?"

_"Eh? Oh, I already found him, he's somewhere over that way, but more importantly—!"_

_THWACK! THUD!_

Everyone stared in varying levels of shock and bemusement as Hockey Chopper slammed his hockey stick on his doppelgänger so hard that he knocked him down, a look of fury in his eyes.

"'More importantly'? 'MORE IMPORTANTLY'? _WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN OUR FATHER?!"_

"Geh…" Doc Chop's eyes spun blearily for a moment before they blinked back into focus… and then he slapped a hoof to his face with a miserable groan. "When I'm normal, nothing short of my skills being necessary to save someone's life. But when I'm 'sparking out,' as Cross calls it?" The mad-reindeer withdrew a notebook from his backpack and flipped through it for a second before grimacing regretfully. "Apparently the longevity-inducing properties of the Mists. Ergh…" He pinched the bridge of his nose between his hooves. "I should have waited to start getting excited about this place's application to the Panacea Project until _after_ I was back in my lab…"

"WHAT ABOUT UNTIL AFTER WE FOU—wait, you have your own lab?" Hockey Chopper's face lit up, his fear and anger evaporating like non-eldritch mist. "Lucky! I wish I had my own lab; I have to share the galley with Sanji. He keeps getting lettuce in my petri dishes!"

"Oh, I hate when that happens!" Doc Chopper winced sympathetically. "Oh, or what about whenever Luffy eats our nascent protozoa cultures? I have no idea _how_ he can keep mistaking them for bacon!"

"I've found that dying the cultures blue helps prevent that- although all my streptococcus pneumoniae samples still manage to get contaminated with his saliva somehow, but Jones helps me clean things, so with two of us it's easy enough to remove that from the—" Hockey Chopper stopped and shook his head. "Gah, getting sidetracked, not important, sorry for jumping on your back earlier. Now, quick, before we get sidetracked again! _Where_ did you say you saw Doctor Hiriluk?"

"Ah! Come on! Go in the vial, you stupid—!"

Both Choppers turned to see the very familiar backside of Dr. Hiriluk as he dashed along the side of the ship, desperately trying and failing to waft some of the rainbow mist into a test tube.

"Right here, apparently," Doc Chopper deadpanned.

Hooves clattered across the deck. Tears in his eyes, Hockey Chopper launched himself at the lovable quack, wrapping his little arms around Hiriluk's leg. "Doctor! I'm so happy I get to see you again- I missed you so much!" He glanced up at his father's face with a watery smile. "I haven't been this happy in _forever_ , not even when the Leafs got to the playoffs!"

"Er, ah, th-thank you?" Hiriluk stammered. Hockey Chopper visibly wilted.

"Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry…" He released his hold on the quack's leg, dropping to the deck and backing off. The little reindeer clutched his stick for comfort.

"No, no, little fellow, it's alright. I was just surprised; I never expected to see a little reindeer person out here." Hiriluk bent down to pat Hockey Chopper on the head. "Let alone two. You know, you and your brother remind me of a little reindeer person I know back home. You two should come visit sometime; I'm sure Tony Tony Chopper would love to meet you."

The two Choppers looked at each other. "But… _I'm_ Tony Tony Chopper."

"So am I."

Doctor Hiriluk stared at them numbly for a moment. "That… That's not possible. There can't be two of the same person- two of the same _Devil Fruit_. And neither of you are anything like Cho-pper…" The quack's voice trailed off as he caught sight of the identical hats the reindeer were wearing- hats identical to the one he had given Tony Tony Chopper just recently.

"These mists have some interesting temporal qualities that led to our crews meeting across the barriers of space and time," Doctor Chopper offered. "I was attempting to study their effects on longevity earlier."

"But, but, but…" Hiriluk groped around desperately. "But Chopper isn't a mad scientist. _Or_ a rabid hockey fan."

That earned him a pair of stares partway between flat and curious. "Doctor," Doctor Chopper said slowly, raising an eyebrow. "We're much older than the Chopper you know. We've grown up a lot, and we've adapted with the times." The mad reindeer snorted. "And besides, your Chopper never met Cross."

"Or Jones," Hockey Chopper added, puffing his chest out with pride. "I'll have you know that studying Otherworlders can be quite enlightening."

Hiluluk's eyes took them both in, two reflections of routes that his son had gone before. A scientist and an athlete, both growing into great pirates in their own way. Tears welled up at the corners of his eyes- pride, hope, happiness. Then, slowly, a smile came over his face. "I see… you've grown up so strong."

Both reindeer twitched almost imperceptibly, their eyes taking on an extra shine. There was a brief clatter of hooves as the two Choppers launched themselves at their father figure, clinging to his waist and burying their faces in his jacket. Damp stains spread slowly across the dark fabric. Hiriluk stumbled backwards under the force of the tackle, unable to keep his balance. Eventually, after a few staggered, futile steps, the lovable quack fell into a seated position.

" _ **We missed you so much!"**_ the Choppers bawled. Hockey Chopper sniffled and rubbed his nose on Hiriluk's shirt; Doctor Chopper hiccoughed.

The lovable quack didn't question them. Of course; even if he didn't know the exact moment of his death, he already knew of his own illness. Doctor Hiriluk patted and hugged both reindeer, rubbing soothing circles on the backs of their heads. "There, there… It's alright. A man only dies when he's forgotten; as long as you remember me, I'll always be with you. I'm so proud of you both."

Twin watery smiles beamed up at him. Off to one side, four amphibious mammals slowly edged away. This was a private affair, not for their eyes. Besides, they wanted to see what their teacher was getting up to, and who—if anyone—had come for him. And maybe them.

**-o-**

"He raced down the mountain, fleeing from the Thunderbird's lair as though his life depended on it- which it did. But the Thunderbird didn't want Man taking the secret of fire, for fire was the source of his power. Great wings beat the air as the Thunderbird chased Man down the mountain, gaining with every second."

"Just before he was captured, Man raced into the forest. He begged the trees as he ran, pleading with them to hide him from the Thunderbird's wrath. But even were the bird himself not so deadly and frightening, Man was cloaked in _fire_. His clothes were slowly burning off, his skin turning red and blistering… Ash, oak, maple, elm- one by one, all the trees denied him."

"All except the slender white birch. When Man came to the birch tree, it accepted him under its branches and hid him from the enraged Thunderbird. Man hid there for some time, until all the danger had passed. Eventually, the Thunderbird gave up his hunt and Man was free to make his way back towards his home. He thanked the birch tree as he left."

"The birch was pleased to be of service, though it had suffered mightily in the effort. Its branches were charred and crispy, its bark streaked with soot and blisters. Many moons passed before the birch could once again stand straight and proud as part of the forest, rather than bent with the pain that wracked its trunk. And even once the birch had recovered- and indeed, to this day- the bubbled, darkened lines remained on its bark, a reminder of the service the birch tree rendered towards man."

Whistling, the younger Usopp rubbed nervously at his nose. "That was awesome! A little short, but still… Wow. But I can do you one better! Wait until you hear the story of…"

**-o-**

A well-aged dugong sat with his back to a wall of the ship. Around the corner, another dugong of similar age sat similarly. At the corner itself was a bottle and two cups.

Such was the position they had been in for several minutes, occasionally filling and draining the cups, neither saying anything or moving to so much as glance at the other. Finally, as one dugong poured the last drops into one of the dishes, the other one broke the silence.

[You have come a long way, Disciple.]

[Mmph,] Boss née Disciple Dugong angled his head to the side ever so slightly. [I suppose I have. I'd say that I'm not the dugong you left on the shores of the Sandora, but we both know that if that weren't true even the day after you left, I'd be a disgrace.]

[No, no, not a disgrace,] the other dugong hummed, tapping a staff of bamboo on his shoulder. [Merely… a disappointment.]

[Po-tay-toe, poh-tah-toe,] Disciple shrugged dismissively.

[Heh heh, if you say so…] Sifu balanced his sake cup on the tip of his flipper's finger before glancing to the side, his grip tightening _ever_ so slightly on his staff. [So… up for a bout?]

Disciple, meanwhile, didn't even twitch. [Not a chance. I may have almost fifty years on you, but all but three months of that has been in Alabasta, and in those three months, which have been in Paradise, I have already grown stronger than those fifty combined. You, meanwhile, have lived your entire life off of our shores. If I tried to fight you…] Disciple tapped his unlit cigar on the deck next to himself. [I'd be crushed.]

Then… a slight smirk appeared on the camo-wearing Dugong's muzzle. [So, thank you, but I'll wait to kick your wizened ass in the New World.]

Sifu was silent for a bit before allowing a wide smile to spread across his face. [I officially need to include Wadjet in my prayers,] he breathed reverentially. [For her children have granted me the absolute best student I could have ever conceived, even though I never even asked.]

A small girl, pale as moonlight with crimson eyes, scrambled across the deck, followed by a harried man wearing a dragon jacket. He scooped her up before she could climb onto the rails, earning a loud giggle. "Ghin, stop! Put me down!"

"Not until you stop running off like that! You're gonna fall in the sea and drown if you're not careful, and I won't be jumping in after you again. I do it enough for Don Luffy." Ghin lifted the little girl up onto one of his shoulders; she pouted at him and poked his head.

"Liar. You'd never leave me like that; you're too much of a mother hen." A jab into his shoulder, a tug at his ear, and suddenly the little girl was flipping backwards and away while her caretaker winced and rubbed at the assaulted areas. Something—it looked kind of like guilt—flashed across the man's face.

"Tippy, will you stop that? There are _reasons_ I don't want you running off like you did when we were kids, especially in a place like this!" Ghin ran a hand through his hair, looking for all the world like a worried parent. He grumbled the next bit under his breath. "I'm only twenty-seven, but between you and Jones, I already have grey hairs…"

"Bleh!" The little girl stuck out her tongue. "You've grown up into a grumpy old man, Ghin. I always told you that would happen if you kept worrying so much."

"Argh… You little—! What am I gonna do with you?" Ghin recaptured Tippy, holding her more securely this time. Once he had a secure grip on the squirming girl, he looked around at a loss, as if he actually needed an answer to that question.

"I'll lend you a flipper."

Ghin blinked at the raspy voice, and turned to see a strange creature, an upright manatee with a turtle shell. Another, similar one was behind him, looking his way.

[Oh, Soundbite's nearby, that makes things easi… wait a second, I'm not talking.]

Ghin couldn't comprehend the other one's barking, but he could easily comprehend his shock by the dropped jaw and subsequent dropped cigar.

[Sifu, you can talk?]

[Not easily; I learned to speak human, but it's murder on my throat, so I only do it when I have to,] the first Dugong said, before switching back to words Ghin could understand as he gestured to Tippy. "I just came in here to ease my worries about my apprentice. I can see her home if you'd like." He emptied a flask of liquid into his throat as soon as he finished, gargling it with a wince. [Damn the human language and damn it _hard.]_

Ghin and Tippy both blinked in surprise, exchanging doubtful looks for a second before Ghin hesitantly spoke up. "I… thought there _wasn't_ a way out of here? Unless the Mists actually want to let you go, I mean."

"There is always a path," Sifu waved his flipper dismissively, cracking his back slightly as he rose from his seated position. "I just happen to know the right one for this place."

Staring, Ghin turned his head from one amphibious mammal to the other, finally settling his gaze on the one that was a member of the alternate Straw Hat crew. "Can we trust this guy?" he asked with some hesitation.

[Of course you can—!…ergh, can't believe I'm actually reduced to _wishing_ for that damn pest's _help_ …] Boss muttered acridly before settling for giving Ghin his most confident thumbs-up. [I'll let you guys figure this out. Nice seeing you again, Master, and I look forwards to the day we can do this for _real._ ] And with that, he began waddling away.

Ghin and Tippy exchanged dubious glances again before looking at the wall Sifu was behind. "Right, so, how does this work?" the older man queried.

Boss, meanwhile, hadn't gone far before he ran straight into his four apprentices, who were looking as excited as when they had joined the Straw Hats.

[Boss, there you are!] Leo said happily. [So, have you found Sifu yet?]

The senior dugong blinked at his students in surprise. [How'd you know Sifu was the one who came for me?]

[Come on, Boss, who _else_ would you get, that blowhard Lan- I mean, First Mate Dugong?] Mikey scoffed.

[Now c'mon, where is he, where is he!?] Raphey vibrated eagerly. [I wanna jump him, I wanna jump him straight outta the blue, I want the honor of getting pounded by the greatest Kung Fu Dugong to ever kick ass!]

Donny roughly shoved Raphey aside, a pad of paper and a pencil in his hands and a massive grin on his face. [Not before I get my autograph from the greatest staff-user in all Dugong history you're not! Now c'mon, where is he, where is he?!]

Boss cocked an eyebrow at the display before jabbing his 'thumb' over his shoulder. [Right now, he should be—!]

_SPLASH!_

[Gone,] Boss completed smoothly, not even missing a beat. [Eesh, tough luck, you just missed him.]

[Meenbrl…]

Frowning at the odd sound, Boss refocused on his students and found them, to a dugong, slumped over on their flippers, clouds of despondency hanging over them and tears dripping to the wooden deck from their blank eyes.

[…mmmaybe I should have asked him to stay for a bit…] Boss muttered.

[YOU THINK?!] all four of the TDWS suddenly roared. Boss took a nervous step back; their still-blank but gleaming eyes and eager, toothy grins that totally belied their vocalized anger were just a tad unnerving in tandem.

' _Correction,'_ Boss silently amended as his students began to advance on him. ' _It's_ very _unnerving.'_

**[We get a chance to meet Sifu Dugong, the most famous fighter of our species,** _ **the driving force behind everything that's happened to us since we started training,**_ **outside of the transcending madness of the New World** _ **.**_ **And because you didn't consider that we would want to meet him, we've lost that chance,]** Donny intoned, his staff in one flipper and a brace of kunai spread in the other.

**[I was going to fight him,]** Raphey droned, one flipper holding a sai in reverse and the other idly spinning her giga-shuriken. **[I was gonna lose, badly, but by the Sandora itself, I was going to be able to say that I had actually** _ **fought**_ **with** _ **the**_ **Sifu Dugong.]**

**[And now we can't,]** Mikey stated in an almost _casual_ tone of voice as he slowly and methodically loaded his pistol, clicking it shut before drawing out a nunchuk and letting it swing idly. **[Because of you. You bastard.]**

**[You're about to regret training us so well,]** Leo said simply, his tongue brushing along one of his katana.

At that moment, for the life of him, Boss would not be able to say that it was an entirely irrational fear that he held from his students.

[…don't suppose it'd help if I said I was sorry?] he offered uncertainly.

_**[SUFFER!]** _

[GAH!] Boss howled at the top of his lungs, Rip Tide-ing away from the murderous posse that was suddenly pursuing him at all speeds. [HOW'S THAT FOR FUCKING _GRATITUDE_ , YOU PUTRID GUTTERSNIPES!]

**-o-**

Banchina cut her sons off with a smile and a gentle cough. They'd been going at this ever since the crews met, their stories growing steadily more outlandish. "I thought you two were going to tell me about the Grand Line, not compete to see who knew the most fairy tales."

"But _mom_ , they're not fairy tales!" both Usopps whined indignantly. "And we weren't competing! Were we?"

The pair looked at each other. Shrugging, the younger rubbed his nose; the elder fiddled with his wristband. "I was just trying to explain how Devil Fruits work; mom's never seen one."

"And I just wanted to tell her about all the cool plants and animals there are on the Grand Line."

Both snipers grinned sheepishly at their mother. "Sorry… Guess we got a little carried away. There's just so many cool things to tell you about!"

Laughing, Banchina pulled both of her sons into a tight hug. "Oh, boys… What am I going to do with you?"

That gave the storytelling snipers pause. Not for long though, as they immediately began talking again. "You could help us decide which legend of Elbaf is coolest?"

"Yeah! And then I could tell you all about the time I defeated a demonic shark fishman who even managed to almost kill Luffy! _And_ Zoro!"

"What?! But Luffy beat Arlong- you're lying! Besides, _I_ can read Luffy's mind and see the future."

"A likely story!"

Banchina rolled her eyes and smiled as the two snipers proceeded to squabble. They segued into stories of their own adventures, so similar and yet so different… She couldn't tell if they were competing with each other to see who had the stranger experiences, or honestly trying to tell her what had happened to them. Either way, she would treasure this moment forever.

**-o-**

"So… Merry?"

"Yes?" both the ship-girl and the behorned butler said in unison, looking away from their embrace towards their mistress.

"Uh… the young—guh, the _shorter_ one," Kaya doubly corrected herself shyly. "I was just wondering… about this crew that we gave you to. Do you… well, would you have been happier if you'd stayed with me?"

"Uh, Kaya… don't take this the wrong way, but…" Closing her eyes, the caravel sucked in a deep breath and let it out.

"Oh, nothing good ever follows that statement," Merry the butler muttered.

"Look, I'm a ship," Merry stated, opening her eyes. "I exist to carry people and cargo safely across the seas. You would have used me for puttering about that island. Maybe making short trips to neighboring islands if you actually did become a doctor. You'd have loved me and maintained me and I would have been content." At this time, a fire blazed in Merry's eyes. "But being the ship of the Straw Hats? It's been _so much better_ , and I'm not just talking about the journey, which is awesome on its own. My bond with the Straw Hats was and is far stronger than it ever could have been with you; I would have been content to be scrapped rather than…" She shuddered, idly reaching behind her to rub her back before continuing. "Sorry. Ask Franky or my Usopp for that story. My point is, I'm sorry, but fuck no I wouldn't have been happier with you."

The rich girl visibly wilted. "I… I'm sorry," she murmured.

"For what? For asking that? I know you cared for me, and I know what I look like. I don't blame you for asking. For dredging up bad memories? That's not something you could have expected. And if it's for giving me to the Straw Hats…" Merry flashed Kaya what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "Well, if that was a mistake, then that was the best mistake you've ever made."

The last statement made her smile lightly. "What I meant was… for not being able to do any of that for you myself. You were my ship, and I can't do anything for you like they can."

"Miss Kaya," the older Merry sighed, kneeling before his mistress to look her in the eye. "If your ambition is to become a doctor, then that's a grand ambition, and one that you can fulfill in the East Blue. But the crew that we entrusted Going Merry to is full of individuals with ambitions that only traveling through the most dangerous sea in the world can fulfill. The best thing that you could have done is what you did, and we see the proof before us." He looked back at her. "And I don't believe she holds anything against you."

The ship-girl shook her head, smiling lightly. Somewhere above her, a loosely tied knot came undone with a rasping hiss. A thick line fell to drape itself over the ship-girl's shoulders as still-a-ship _Merry_ vibrated and warmed with approval.

Meanwhile, on the rear deck, a blue-haired cyborg sat rubbing his jaw, an action attributable to the soreness that came from it being dropped for too long a period. The reason for that lay beside him, a green-haired mermaid that he knew well. There was just one tiny difference between her and the one that he had grown up with.

The one beside him wasn't yet used to having legs.

"Razza-frazzin split tail and razza-frazzin center of balance…" a _notably_ younger Kokoro grumbled as she rubbed the tip of her bifurcated appendage. She then glanced up at the cyborg with a hopeful look. "You said ya knew an older me, right? Did she ever gripe about any old tricks to getting this whole 'walkin' business down? I could really use them about now!"

"Er…" Franky scratched his steel-plated cranium uncertainly, trying and failing to parse what he was hearing. "I… don't remember anything like that, sorry… ah, wait!" He hastily rallied his thoughts. "A-Are you _really_ not going to question the fact that you're, ya know, in a 'time hellmouth', or that you're meeting someone who says they know you in the _future?!_ I mean, I know, Grand Line and all that, but even _I_ think this is crazy!"

The mermaid gave him a wry smirk. "Kid, lemme tell you something my older self obviously forgot to let slip: Fishman Island is literally the gateway to the New World. In other words, it stands at the very _tip_ of an _actual_ hellmouth. You don't go long living there without becoming at least a little familiar with the craziest that the world has to offer. I mean, sure," She waved her hand dismissively. "I wasn't expecting anything like this when I went out on my morning swim, but all things considered? Not as bad as it could be. Ya get me?"

Franky blinked in surprise, and then slowly nodded. "Yeah… I guess that's a good point," he mumbled. Then, thinking about the version he knew, he glanced down at the bare fins meant to support the mermaid. "You know, Granny Kokoro never said anything about it, but I never saw her without shoes that were pointed at the ends. Maybe that could help?"

Before the mermaid could respond, a door opened from the kitchen, and the subsequent assault of noise drowned out any chance of hearing anything else.

"But I wanna show you the—!"

"Gah! No spoilers!" Two rubber captains bounced out of the galley. The one in the fore had his hands clapped over his ears, which seemed to be doing little to drown out the voice of his loud, eager counterpart.

"We have a submarine, though!" TB!Luffy chased 12!Luffy into the rigging as the latter struggled to escape. The younger captain was still trying to keep his ears covered, so the sight was even _more_ comical than it already would naturally have been.

"Don't tell me! I don't wanna know what happens next- it's not a good adventure that way! Besides, future things are Jones's job!"

As the pair continued on their swinging path through the rigging, a young woman came out on deck and followed them with her gaze. She was smiling, nearly silent, although the air around her was filled with the sound of quiet giggling at the Luffys' antics.

TB!Luffy thought for a minute before his face lit up with demonic malice. "Oh! Okay then- how about something that's already happened instead? Sabo's alive!"

His counterpart paused to shoot him a flat look. "Well, duh. I knew _that_. Sabo met everybody in Loguetown, and he calls Jones all the time to talk about sneaky ninja spy stuff." 12!Luffy's face took on a similar demonic light to TB!Luffy. "Wait… did your crew _not_ meet him? Shishishishishi! Wanna know what he's like?"

"Eh?" TB!Luffy shrugged and picked his nose. "Why? That's your Sabo, not mine. They're prob'ly different anyway. But wait till I tell you about the special comm system Franky built for Cross!"

"I SAID NO SPOILERS!"

"IT'S NOT A SPOILER IF CROSS ISN'T ON YOUR CREW!"

And so the Luffys resumed their awkward chase, through the rigging and over every possible surface of the ship, much to the amusement of the young woman watching them. Although for some reason, she also had tears in her eyes. Happy tears, but tears nonetheless.

"Do you think we should tell him that our Sunny is completely unique and almost guaranteed to be different than what he'll be getting?" Franky asked.

"No way," came another voice, and they looked over to see Sanji emerging from the kitchen as well, laden with bags of ingredients and with a young girl beside him. "That rubber moron puts us through hell all hours of the day. I say we let him suffer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get a look at the dream kitchen that I'll have someday. Reiju, you coming?"

"Of course," the girl responded coolly.

**-o-**

"…seriously? _Seriously!?"_ I gagged in disbelief. "Ye gods, did the whole nation collectively dump their IQ for 24 hours or something?!"

"I WEEP _for the past,_ **present,** _ **future,**_ **OR WHATEVER TIME THAT IS** _ **TO US,"**_ Soundbite groaned. " _Ya think_ **you-know-who** _ **can make us THE VOICES OF ANARCHY**_ WHEN YOU FINALLY GET BACK HOME, _TOO?"_

"Doubt it," I scoffed, but I hastily reworded matters as I actually thought about it. "…alright, I think it's _capable_ of it, but I doubt it _will_. If we tried pulling what we do here back home, the ones running the show might break out the nukes. We could _literally_ cause the end of the world."

"… _you're trying to threaten me WITH A GOOD TIME,_ **WHY,** **exactly?"**

I shot him a flat look. "So you're saying you _want_ to be at ground zero of the technological equivalent of a Raigo?"

And _that_ turned him white. "GOOD TIME GO _bye-bye,_ _ **shutting up now."**_

"I'm not sure if it's reassuring or disturbing that your standards for chaos stop at 'fuck the world'," Lee dryly stated. "But yes, I was screaming the whole time as the election proceeded. And then Carrie Fisher died as one final 'fuck you' from 2016."

"WHAT?! PRINCESS LEIA'S DEAD?!" Jones fell over backwards in shock. "When—? How—? Crisse de calice de tabarnak d'osti de sacrament de trouvvierge!"

Lee sighed and bowed his head, suddenly looking far older than forty-six. "Yeah… it was in December. And while I remember something about her being strangled with her own bra, I don't think that's what actually happened."

" _Her own quote ON HOW SHE WANTED_ _ **to go,"**_ Soundbite sighed regretfully. " _ **TRUTH IS…**_ **yeah, all signs point to heart attack."**

"Ah, geeze…" I grimaced, rubbing the back of my neck with regret. "Well, that's all kinds of sucky right there isn't it? Moment of silence, then?"

" _EVEN I'LL SHUT UP FOR THAT,"_ my partner in anarchy nodded solemnly.

And so we all bowed our heads, adopting a respectful silence for the great actress…

"Ohhhh yeah, _veeeeeery_ nice. But I see your 'flying island' - which I _still_ call bullshit on, by the way - and raise you… The homeland of the dragons! And this one's not even on the Grand Line! Whaddaya say to _THAT!?"_

"Aaaand of course, One Piece won't accept no broodin' bullshit from no one," I sighed as we were interrupted a mere seven seconds later. I twisted around in place to eye the source of the noise. "Okay, what's _this_ little sideshow about?"

The source, as it turned out, were the two Namis butting heads - literally, they were pressing their foreheads together - as they pointed at a set of maps and tried to incinerate the other with looks alone. Sitting cross-legged on the deck next to them was Bellemere, who was looking mighty amused by the whole display.

"I say that that's impressive for something that nature made," TB!Nami hummed, a 'content' grin on her face as she unraveled yet another chart with an air of triumph. "But let's see you pull out anything showing a manmade island that rivals Water 7."

"Water—is that a giant fountain?" 12!Nami asked, her smug calm slipping just enough to betray a flash of awe before she hastily recomposed herself. "Wow… that _is impressive…_ but… I'm not sure it beats _Clockwork_ Island," she finished, producing her _own_ chart.

TB!Nami's jaw all but slammed into the deck as she ogled the chart. "How… bwa… I might not know architecture, but I _know_ that that has got to be structurally impossible," she managed to get out.

"I won't deny that, I _still_ don't understand how it works," 12!Nami grinned wide enough to put the Cheshire to shame. "But I _assure you_ that it is completely real!"

"Riiiight…" TB!Nami stated as she examined the map. Then she frowned, jabbing a finger on a specific spot. "What is that?"

"… That's a whale," 12!Nami deadpanned, giving her counterpart her best 'You're a fucking idiot' glare.

"Okay… And why is there a whale in your ocean?" TB!Nami leaned in a little closer. "Scratch that, why are there a _bunch_ of whales in your ocean?"

"Because whales live in the ocean?" 12!Nami stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and to be fair, it was pretty close to it. "Why, what do you put in your open waters?"

TB!Nami promptly clammed up, but she couldn't stop her younger self from glancing at the map of Water 7.

"Doodles," she said, a grin widening on her face. "And not just any doodles, those fantastic animal doodles we made when we were _eight_."

"I have seen _every single one of these animals!"_ TB!Nami protested just a little too loudly, her cheeks flushing indignantly.

"Really?" Bellemere perked up with a grin that was equal parts eager and teasing. "Can I see?"

I could practically _see_ Nami's eyes defaulting to blue. "Uh…"

"Is it just me," Lee remarked as TB!Nami frantically tried to politely say no _to her own mother_. Needless to say, all she succeeded in doing was flail about. "Or are they not only arguing over stylistic differences, they're arguing over stylistic differences that don't even _remotely_ affect the quality of their maps?"

Apparently so, and seeing my Nami this completely flustered was quite the treat.

There was a tremendous… bouncing thud a second later as a pair of Luffy's fell from the rigging, one having tackled the other. 12!Luffy clapped both hands over my Luffy's mouth, glaring at his counterpart with comical anger. "Shut up already! I said no spoilers!"

"Mrph mmm mph—!"

_CHOMP!_

"YOW!"

My Luffy had bitten 12!Luffy's hand in order to break free, which did nothing to make their squabbling any quieter or less funny. He then turned the tables on his younger counterpart, tackling him across the deck. The pair were about to roll into the duelling Zoros when a quiet voice cleared her throat.

" _Ahem_."

I blinked as a familiar figure stepped onto the deck, but my surprise didn't last long; her showing up made just as much sense as Ace or Sabo.

"Luffy and Luffy, weren't you two about to tell me about the giant whale that ate your ship?" Makino asked.

"OH, YEAH!" Spoilers and violence forgotten, two rubber captains bounced over to the barkeeper with eager grins on their faces. Makino wandered over to the rail and sat down; the Luffys followed her like ducklings and flopped on either side of her to tell stories about Laboon.

"Heh. Nice to have someone who knows just what to say to calm Luffy down," I remarked.

"While I'm inclined to agree, Cross…"

"Hm?" I glanced up and noticed both Robins wandering by our group, both keeping an eye on the meeting of the Monkeys.

"I was rather expecting Ace, or that second brother you mentioned," older Robin hummed inquisitively as she analyzed Makino. "Who is she?"

"Huh? Oh, her! Her name's Makino," I explained with a careless wave. "She's a bartender from Luffy's hometown, closest thing to a mother all three of them had growing up. One of the kindest people I ever saw in the story, to boot."

Robin nodded, a wistful… but for some reason melancholic smile on her lips? What the—?

"Hey, older me?" young Robin piped up, drawing all attention. "If everyone's family is showing up…" She dipped her head uncertainly. "Does that mean that our mother could be here, too?"

I realized the significance of Adult Robin's smile as it dropped and her eyes widened at the possibility, looking suddenly nervous.

"Yeah, Olvia is probably around here," I piped up with a casual wave of my hand. "And knowing our luck and her skill? I'd be willing to bet that she is currently—!"

_CLICK!_

I grimaced miserably as I sloooowly raised my arms over my head, only just fighting my instinct to glare over my shoulder at the white-haired… _woman_ I _knew_ was right there. "…standing right behind me with a gun to my head. Seriously, what is _with_ you Nicos and threatening interdimensional immigrants?!"

"Must be your winning personality!" Lee called out, looking thoroughly unperturbed at my mortal peril. The jackass. Seriously, I was gonna find a way to make him—!

_THWACK!_ "GAH!"

"Enough talk," Nico Olvia snarled in a notably unhinged tone as she shoved the barrel of the gun she'd pistol-whipped me with into my neck. "Here's what's going to happen: I'm going to take that ship—" And here she jerked her head towards the Merry _aw hell no._ "And whatever supplies are on it. But before that…" I felt the iron barrel press into my neck. "Who the hell are you, and how did you detect me?"

"Robin?" I called out, my tone indicating barely restrained outrage. "Either Robin? Would one of you mind getting your _deranged mother_ off of me? You know, before I abandon what few self-preservation instincts I have and do something that will get you _really_ mad at me?"

"Eh, Lee's got this," the younger Robin said nonchalantly as she walked up to us. For a long moment, she stared up at Olvia.

"Uh, hello? Gun to my head?!" I demanded. "Lee, get off your ass and get your damn kid to _help me!"_

"Like she said, I've got this," Lee replied, still grinning like the smug bastard he was. "See, Olvia, you pull that trigger, and two things are going to happen." I blinked as The Catalyst sprang into being. "First, your gun is going to explode in your hand, filling it with metal and wood fragments. And then, I'm going to light your lungs on fire from the inside." His grin widened a few molars. "Believe me, it's not a pleasant way to go, choking on smoke like that."

Everyone stared at Lee; even Olvia and adult Robin were staring at him in naked—! Oh, wait a second.

_THWACK!_ "GAH!" Olvia grunted in shock as I rammed my elbow into her gut, followed by my reaching over my shoulder, grabbing her arm and flipping her over my shoulder onto the lawn, the impact jarring the gun loose from her hand in the process.

"God bless Zoro for kicking my ass on a daily basis," I sighed in relief, before glaring bloody murder at Lee's _smugly_ grinning ass. "And damn _you_ for taking the convoluted route, asshat!"

"Dontcha mean _Uncle_ Asshat?" he smirked back with a tilt of his head. "And besides, I meant every word; you were in no danger, and I know you get off on that sort of thing."

"Phrasing!" both Robins called out, before glancing at each other and giggling.

I scowled at both the reaction _and_ his little self-entitling before grunting as I was forced to fight against a furiously scrabbling Olvia's attempts to free herself. "Hilarious! Now if one of you two would help _bring your paranoid bitch of a mother back to reality!?"_

"Er…" Robin the Tyke frowned nervously, most likely realizing the severity of the situation as she knelt before her mother and waved her hand in her face to no great effect. "I'd like to, but… what's… wrong with her? Does… Does she not remember me, remember _us_ or—?"

"No, I highly doubt that…" the Older Robin reassured her younger counterpart, albeit with an uncomfortable frown. "If I had to guess, going by the situation we're in and the situation she's _been_ in for who knows how long now, I'd say… she's probably gone into an extreme survival mode. Essentially, she's imposed a form of tunnel-vision on herself that blocks out all else but her mission and her survival instincts."

I frowned sympathetically, even as I redoubled my grip on Olvia's arm. "Personal experience?"

My Robin gave a terse nod before allowing herself a calming breath. "And due to that experience, I know that it's going to take something very jarring to—"

_**BWAAAAAAAAAH!** _

I blinked blearily as my head slowly stopped ringing, and I became aware of Lee saying… _something_ that was indiscernible to me due to the fact that even if my skull no longer felt like a bell, my _ears_ were still putting up a decent act. "WHAT?"

He rolled his eyes and ticked off his fingers for a second before repeating himself, just as my hearing cleared up, at least to the point where I could parse his words. "I _said,_ 'One of these days, Xom, you're going to need to learn to keep your fucking mouth shut'."

"WHAT DID I DO?!" I snap—er, make that _roared,_ my volume control was still a bit shot.

"Sesehihihihi!" a suddenly-present Jones snickered at my side. "For once, it's actually not his fault. And just so you're aware? I've _always_ wanted to do that."

Lee and I _made_ to respond, but then trailed off with a tired sigh and defeated groan, respectively.

"You don't have a good response to that statement either?" Lee said, shaking his head.

"Not a one," I shrugged dejectedly.

"And if we're all quite done," Young Robin groaned as she rubbed her ears. "Can we get back to _helping my mom?"_

"If you mean 'help me put them in an early grave', I'd appreciate it," Olvia groaned into the lawn.

I blinked as I considered that little statement before getting off of the proto-Revolutionary's back. "I _think_ she's sane again. Though I won't apologize for the consequences if I get _another_ gun in my face."

"You _think?"_ Young Robin said, skeptically eyeing her mother as she stood. " _I_ think I want a second opinion. Lee?"

"Hmm…" the man hummed, stroking his beard. "Even odds either way, I'd say. That's the sanity rate of everyone else I've ever met who's like this."

I noticed Young Robin's eyes tear up and her lip quiver, and I stepped aside just as Olvia got the presence of mind to blink in confusion as she parsed what had been said. "Wait… 'mom?' Who are you—?"

"MOMMY!"

The woman then had to brace as the younger Robin slammed into her midsection, gripping tight and sobbing into her shirt. Olvia blinked a couple of times, before the older Robin knelt beside her, face in shadows.

"To be as brief as possible, time does whatever it wants here. Space is the same. Her name is Nico Robin. She is your daughter," she said quietly, before raising her head, unshed tears glistening in her eyes. "As am I."

Olvia took in the figure before her, as well as the one crying in her arms, and the identical features and voice to hers. It was only a few seconds before she pulled the other woman into an embrace, holding both versions of her daughter close to her and sobbing in bittersweet joy with them.

Honestly, it was almost enough to bring tears to my eyes, but Lee was walking over to me, looking concerned.

"Yeah, she needed this," he said, his concern not slipping a bit. "And… I'm kinda worried about that. How many people will want to bring their loved ones with them, or stay behind to help?" He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "I know I'd have trouble resisting."

"Under 'normal' circumstances, as much as that word applies in a situation like this, I might be, but there are two big reasons why we don't have to worry about that. First, there's a certain bastard looking out for me, and I doubt it would let its fun end because of something like a paradox."

Lee looked like he'd bitten into a lemon, and I smiled lightly as I continued. "And second, as much as it must be nice for them to be with the ones they're meeting here…" I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "They'll still want to go back to the ones they have waiting outside of the mist. Really, when it comes down to it, do you think even one person here would be willing to subject their younger selves to missing out on the happiest years of their lives?"

"… Point," he conceded, a smile creeping onto his face. "I know Shizuka would never let Robin stay here and make her lose her pranking buddy. She'd probably spontaneously appear just to drag her back."

As I made to respond, something landed on the rail beside me with a heavy thud, making me jump back in surprise as I turned to face them. Brown fur, black and white feathers, a familiar spotted jacket—

I had Lassoo aimed at the otter and vulture that had just appeared beside me in under a second, and they made it abundantly clear that the feeling was mutual: Miss Friday's machine gun was armed and ready, and Mister Thirteen's shell-blades were drawn and tense. And then, for a few long minutes… none of us moved. Which was… _definitely_ different. And it wasn't the only thing off, either.

There was something not right here, and with the barrier between dimensions currently being made of Swiss cheese… I raised Lassoo up into a resting position as I took a better look at the animals that had landed beside me.

"You're… not our Unluckies, are you?" I divined.

"Eh? What was your first clue?" The otter held up a sign as he spoke in a _very_ Canadian accent, his words echoed by immaculate handwriting. It seemed to be his usual method of communication, judging by the way hearing his new voice caused him to start, tail fluffing out. His vulture companion hissed and puffed up her feathers.

"Besides the fact that our versions of you two ditched those digs and upped their arsenals two islands ago?" I shrugged as I let Lassoo drop to the ground. "You're not exuding an aura of pure murderous intent."

" _Going by how you sound…"_ Soundbite mused. " **Different birthplaces?"**

"That depends. Aboot where're yours from?" This time Mister Thirteen was halfway through writing his sign when he remembered he didn't need it. Capping his pen with a snap, the otter folded his arms with a scowl.

I grimaced as I yanked my collar to the side and indicated the 'souvenirs' our Friday had left me in Alabasta. "Kuraigana. Trust me, it shows."

_That_ got some actual emotion out of the furry fricks. Namely, they jerked _hard,_ their glasses going askew enough to reveal how they were staring at us in naked shock."…How the ever-loving _fuck_ do ya hosers still have your skin?" the otter asked numbly.

Soundbite, of course, responded with a taunting snap of his maw. " _Why dontcha try your luck_ **and find out,** EH?"

_That_ got them bristling and hastily snapping their eyepieces back into place. "Don't mock my accent, ya hoser! Or I'll slit ya like a helpless bedlamer!" The otter's eyes flashed dangerously. "And I _always_ get my man- even if he's just a snail."

"Not the last four times I checked," I smirked tauntingly. Because really, why miss the chance to sling some shit at my worst nightmares?

"AND THOSE WERE THE _KILL.0 MODELS!_ **Do you** _ **really**_ **wanna test THE LUCK OF THE** _ **VANILLA?"**_ my companion concurred.

"Why, you little—!" Thirteen snarled, starting to go for his blades.

I spread my arms invitingly, one of them straying down towards Lassoo. "Bring it on, you wannabe-Moun—!"

" _OYOI!"_

_**WHAM!**_ CRASH!

"…did anybody get the flavor of that Sea King?" I moaned blearily.

" _ **Rubber BABY**_ **buggy** _bumpers I think I'm gonna be siiiick,"_ Soundbite slurred.

"It's sad enough that you railroaded your versions of those two into anything resembling nemeses, Xom," Lee's somewhat muffled voice came from behind me. "Maybe _avoid_ repeating the mistake?"

"In my defense, mine were evil son-bitches from the word go…" I got out as my vision cleared enough to see the Catalyst pulling back a fist, the other cradling its face. Sonnuva bitch must have punched me in the head.

Jones, meanwhile, came over to stand by the Unluckies, fingers buried in feathers and fur. She was _petting them?!_ What gives? And then she started crooning at them as if they were a pair of cats or something- those were tiny assassins, not pets! "Shh, calm down. It's okay. Cross is just an idiot; he didn't mean to offend you. And the snail's just a baby and doesn't know any better."

"…Fine." Mister Thirteen put his blades away with a huff and leaned into Jones' hand. Miss Friday wasn't nearly as affectionate, standing stiff as she fixed me with a beady glare. But at least she had put her gun away.

"Before you guys get into a glaring contest," chuffed Lassoo, changing to his full Zoan form from where I had dropped him nearby. "How about some alternative entertainment? Pretty sure Sanji has some fresh crayfish he could cook up for you, if you want."

Mister Thirteen and Miss Friday looked at each other, then back to Lassoo. The vulture fluffed her feathers. "Would he have steak and eggs too?" she asked after a long moment, her voice creaking like pines in a high wind.

"Of course."

"Then we accept." The pair hopped down off the rail and followed after Lassoo as the dog-gun lumbered off towards the galley.

**-o-**

After the Unluckies left with Lassoo, I silently excused myself from Cross and Lee's presence. I needed a walk, needed to clear my head. Why? I wasn't sure, exactly. Just that, despite my antics with the foghorn, I was suddenly _not_ in the best of moods. I think maybe I was a little jealous…As everyone was reuniting with their loved ones all over the Thousand Sunny, a heavy was feeling growing in my chest. It distracted me. I didn't notice someone was approaching me until I'd practically walked into them, twisting out of the way at the last moment when I caught a glimpse of pale blue hair.

"Sorry, your highness."

"Actually, Jones, you're just who I was looking for." The princess smiled at me. Oh. Not _my_ Vivi, then. "Look, I know you're probably not too pleased with me- and after spending ten minutes with the version of me you've had to deal with, I understand completely- but I was wondering if you'd consent to a friendly spar. No powers, no Ruatha or Carue- just our weapons."

That- actually sounded like a lot of fun. Still, while my Vivi had been getting better as of late, I was slow to trust anyone who shared her face, at least in terms of motivations relating to myself. "Sounds great, but why?"

TB!Vivi's eye twitched; her fingers tightened around chains I could've sworn she wasn't holding a moment before. "Because, to reiterate, I just _met_ with your version of myself in all her suicidally naïve glory, and as a result I have an _incredible_ amount of frustration with that girl, and I'm guessing you do too. This way, we can work off some of the shared tension and _my_ newfound self-loathing before one or both of us does something we regret that will most likely land _me_ in intensive psychotherapy with my Chopper for a _month_."

Well, that was a pretty good reason. I nodded and shifted back into a fighting stance. "Sure, then. Let's go."

"Excellent." And just like that Vivi was racing towards me, her Lion Cutters starting to spin. I automatically blocked her first strike as I rotated into a round kick, only to have the chain wrap around my forearm. The blade itself continued around and drew a shallow line across my clavicle, carried by its momentum. And while I got in a decent kick at Vivi's side, making her wheeze and stagger, this left me in a very bad position.

Namely, I was trapped.

Bringing my foot back down and planting it, I heaved back on the chain with all my might. This brought Vivi flying towards me. Normally, having my opponent's center of balance would've been a good thing. But before I could _do_ anything with it, I saw a second chain swinging around towards me- and my tug had given the princess' attack extra momentum. I scrambled to draw one of my sais and get it up to block; it was ripped out of my hand a second later, flung across the deck by whipping chains.

"You're strong," Vivi said as she regained her balance. "But slow." The princess spun her second Lion Cutter at me again, forcing me to duck at the last second. I barely made it; the strike clipped the brim of my hat and knocked it off my head.

"And you're quick, but if I get a hit in… TAI!" My abrupt switch from speaking to a kiai startled Vivi into taking a step back. This wasn't great for me, since her weapons gave her a longer reach, but it didn't matter much- her Lion Cutter may have trapped my arm, but that meant she couldn't go very far from _me_ either, not unless she wanted to give up that potential advantage.

Of course, I didn't _just_ kiai; that would've been stupid. As Vivi was stepping back, I drove in with a three-level punch- face, throat, sternum. The princess dodged the first two, but the third caught her. Even as she wheezed, though, she took the opportunity to entangle my free arm with her second Lion Cutter. I growled. This close in, I couldn't get off a decent kick, and now mobility in my arms was severely limited. Damn flail weapons… How was I supposed to counter their ability to wrap around everything? I'd never learned techniques for _that_.

Well, there was nothing to lose by screwing up here- that's what sparring was for. So I dropped my weight and rolled backwards, shoving my feet up into Vivi's stomach as I fell. The princess coughed and flipped over me with the force of my throw, as had so many sparring partners in the past- and then kept going with a dancer's grace, coming to her feet with a slight stagger, her face an inch from the mast. Then she reversed, rolling back towards me to plant a foot on my stomach before I could get up. It didn't hurt, but it left me in a very awkward position.

"Yield?" she asked, stepping to the side to let me breathe and answer. My crazy grin appeared with a hissed inhalation.

"Sesehihihihihi! Not even close!" It hurt my shoulders- they weren't supposed to bend _quite_ that way, especially under pressure- but I heaved on the chains again, forcing Vivi to roll down and across. I used the momentum to twist to my feet. The princess came up with me.

A flick of Vivi's wrist freed one of my arms, plus her corresponding Lion Cutter. The princess sliced down on an angle as I drove in with a reverse punch; the chain wrapped around my shoulder, bruising, while the blade stung my lower back. Once more, my punch made Vivi wheeze and stagger. I pivoted on one leg, heaving on my still-trapped arm, desperate to get the princess into position for a good kick. Only, I'd forgotten that doing so only gave her more momentum to use in her own attacks. Cold metal wrapped twice around my throat, the blade coming to rest at my spine with another slight sting.

"How about now?" Vivi's voice was practically right in my ear. I reached up stiffly to tug at the chain around my neck. No slack whatsoever, although it wasn't exactly tight either.

"Fine. I yield."

Steel links unwound from my windpipe. Vivi stepped back, looking slightly worn and ruffled, but quite pleased. "Thank you for that. I feel somewhat better now…" she trailed off before sighing despondently. "For all that wanting to merely throttle my duplicate is an improvement over wanting to scalp her, but still, thank you."

"No problem." I examined the shallow cuts I'd gained, but none of them were in need of immediate attention. Satisfied, I turned and raised an eyebrow at the princess. "Now, if you don't mind me asking- why didn't you use that Sovereign Will thing on me the first time? You could've made me surrender immediately."

"Two reasons." Vivi brushed a few loose hairs back into place. "One, I _did_ say no powers- that goes for me as much as for you, even if mine aren't from a Devil Fruit. And two… No, I couldn't have. Sovereign Will requires that you _respect_ me in order for it to work, and seeing the version of me you've had to put up with, I highly doubt that's the case."

"Well, in that case, you'd be wrong." I retrieved my lost sai, slipping it back into place beside its mate. Vivi shot me an incredulous look.

"You respe- _how_? I was only with her for ten minutes and she was acting like- just _how_?"

I shrugged. "After some of the people I've known, it takes a lot to lose my respect. And even if I don't agree with her, I understand at least part of where she's coming from. It hurts a little, but I'm used to it. Plus I know you're one of the strongest versions of yourself- emotionally, as well as combat-wise- to exist in the multiverse, so I might do what you said even without Sovereign Will. _Might_ \- I don't like taking orders. Buuut anyways…" Here I let my grin take over again. "Up for a round two? I'd like to play around a bit, see if I can figure out some counters to your Lion Cutters. I've never had a chance to fight someone who uses flail-type weapons before. Plus I've been in the mood for a good fight or six ever since a certain armoured idiot and I got chased across the wild blue yonder by the giant Nemo slayer."

Vivi hesitated before shaking her head with a smile. "As much as I would like to oblige, I should probably be getting back to my mother. I left her with my counterpart in the hopes that it would help the latter adjust, but…"

"Understood. I hope you enjoy the rest of your visit with your mom." I bowed- and then automatically snapped a salute when I straightened. Since the first motion was Japanese in style, and the second British, I assume I looked rather silly. Vivi certainly thought so, stifling a giggle at my actions.

"Thank you, Jones. And I hope you enjoy getting to see your…" She trailed off, uncertain. I waved her off.

"Don't worry about me. Just having everyone together like this is enough. Interesting, fun, makes my friends happy- what more could I ask for?"

"If you're sure." Vivi stared at me briefly before making her way back towards wherever she'd left Nefertari Titi and my own princess.

Happy and loose after my bout with Vivi, I wandered over and flopped down back near Cross and Lee, where they were looking over the various scenes with contented smiles. Watching them together made me frown as I came to a slow realization. "Hey… If you're _both_ here… When's the third member of the Cross-Brain showing up? Shouldn't he be around somewhere?"

Both turned to look at me- Cross with shock, Lee with amusement.

"Well—"

"Third?! Cross-Brain?! What?!"

Grin now even wider, Lee waved his hand. "No, go ahead, Xom, get it out of your system."

"Where do I even start!?" he sputtered, eyes wide in shock. "The fact that I actually _have_ a second friend as good as you, or the fact that we've actually managed to stick together long enough that we've actually got a group name going!? Are… we sure we're not talking about some freaky _adjacent_ Earth me or some— _GAH!"_ Cross suddenly started clawing at his skull with a growl of agony.

"I don't think that's ever going to get— _YOW!"_ Lee blinked, rubbing his temples.

Then, just as swiftly as their fits came over them, my seniors swiftly relaxed, albeit with far-off looks in their eyes.

"…two things," Cross deadpanned, his eyelid twitching menacingly. "First, one day I _will_ find a way to shove that omni-everything bastard's mobius loop of a skull inside his fourth-dimensional ass. And second… I, one of the biggest Leeroy Jenkins in the history of fiction, have a cowriter named _The Patient One._ I've been on these seas almost a year, and _I_ think that's insane."

" **Seconded,** _and I've heard MORE INSANITY_ SINCE I MET YOU _**than most people ever do,"**_ Soundbite said in the same tone.

"Yes, you do have a cowriter named The Patient One. And he milks that name for all the puns he can produce," Lee stated, just as flat. "As for BROB, if I ever find that asshole I'm going to give him a FOOF enema. Still…" The older Stand-user rubbed his chin contemplatively. "Assuming his plans went through, he was inserted into Yu-Gi-Oh!, and I wish him good luck."

"Oh." I felt a twinge of disappointment. It would've been _awesome_ to meet _three_ of the greatest fanfic writers from when I'd been reading. About to apologize for bringing it up, I froze as the disappointment was followed up by another, stranger sensation. It felt like someone was standing behind me, close; I could feel warmth at my back. And arms… Like someone was hugging me from behind. Except it didn't make me feel anxious, for once. Instead I felt protected. Wanted. The feeling faded slowly, leaving me confused… and wishing a little for its return.

"One more thing," Lee continued, holding up a finger. "We have _how many_ favorites and reviews?!"

"IS IT _**over 9000?!"**_ Soundbite chortled.

Cross wound up to dopeslap his partner's shell…

"Eh, with enough time…" I grinned as I waved my hand back and forth.

And _there_ was the pole-axed look I'd been looking for. "That popular?!" he choked out, and I noticed Lee being equally attentive.

"Put it this way," I spread my arms demonstratively. "You're the _Sword of Shannara_ of the One Piece fandom!" I waited and… jack squat. I matched their blank looks with one of my own. "Seriously? I thought you guys were readers."

"We are!" Cross protested before coughing sheepishly. "Just… not in this case, you know?"

"Ditto, though in my defense the world I was punted into was divergent enough that I doubt it had that book either," Lee shrugged indifferently. "So what's the significance of that reference exactly?"

"Well—!" I started to explain.

" _Massively popular novel_ **that proved that THE FANTASY GENRE HAD WORTH** _ **beyond Tolkien's Lord of the Rings,"**_ Soundbite fell silent for a bit… before scowling irritably at our dumbstruck looks. " _HEY, I CAN LISTEN AND GET USEFUL_ INTEL OFF THE INTERWEBS! **I don't do it often, sure,** _**BUT IT HAPPENS!"**_

"Yeah, once in a blue moon when pigs spontaneously grow wings and _fly_ over Satan skating to work," Lee snarked.

" _AS I SAID,_ **not often,"** the little pest shrugged, inasmuch as he could. "OH, AND BY THE WAY? _**The scouts**_ _are all COMING BACK."_

"GIVE IT A REST ALREADY!" Boss's voice roared out of nowhere. I looked around, and saw him coming to a stop on a far side of the ship. The TDWS appeared a moment later—and I dreaded to ask what in the world Boss had done, because he and they were effectively re-enacting Jurassic World's raptor scene, only those four were glaring him down with the kind of sadistic anticipation that I'd only seen in the story before the crew starting beating down Oars while he was stuck.

"I'd suggest begging for mercy, Boss!" Cross called over with an ill-hidden snicker.

"A REAL MAN NEVER BEGS FOR HIS OWN LIFE!" the wizened dugong roared indignantly.

_SHINK!_

He then froze as he found Leo's blade stuck clean in the middle of his face. "He does, however," he amended calmly. "Know when to perform a tactical retreat." And with that, the Dugongs fell into the water, kicking up a frothing mess around the Sunny and Merry the Younger.

"Fare thee well, Boss," Cross saluted the poor bastard sarcastically.

" _I AIN'T DEAD YET, YOU SONNUVA—_ GAH!"

"No, but you will be soon enough…" Cross snickered, watching the bash go on for a bit…

_BOOM!_

Before glancing up with interest as a few of the wrecks in the distance started to shift, some from explosions and others from sliding apart. "Ah, looks like Chopper and Zoro are on their way back."

"Guess they must have found Hiruluk and Kuina," I deduced. "Wonder if Johnny and Yosaku are with them."

"Oh, so you dropped in early enough to pick up the cleaver twins?" Cross asked with interest. "Huh, bit cliché, but I don't doubt you're making it work. Good for you."

"Actually…" I leaned back against a rail and tilted my hat back out of my eyes, the standard 'cowboy about to tell a tall tale' pose. "I dropped in just before the Baratie. Have you not seen Ghin wandering around? Between his overprotectiveness, and Johnny and Yosaku's… being themselves, it was like getting an older brother and two younger ones in the space of a few days…"

**-o-**

High above, the rigging bounced as two silvery foxes chased each other along the lines, snapping playfully. Chattering calls sounded as the mother-daughter pair bounded along the ropes. Meanwhile on the deck, a slightly more grounded reunion was going on- only _slightly_ more grounded, seeing as the young women getting to know each other were a pair of literal angels.

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" Conis wiped tears of mirth from her eyes. "I can't believe Father managed to do _that_ to your wedding cake!"

Serra smiled beatifically as she tapped the tip of her parasol on the lawn. "Really, dear, is it _so_ much harder to believe than what you told me about him blowing up the bathroom when he refused to call a handyman?"

"…No, I guess not." The younger angel shook her head with a bright smile. "It's Father; I shouldn't be surprised. He'll knock his own beard off one of these days."

The older angel chuckled. "Even so, if he ever decides to bake you a cake, ensure that he remembers the difference between cinnamon and cumin."

An indignant squawk interrupted the pair's story exchanging; not far away, two more women were glaring at each other so intensely it almost seemed they had lightning crackling in between them.

The redhead took a challenging step forward as she snarled at her white-haired opponent. " _What did you just call me?_ "

"You heard me, Government _Dog_. There's no such thing as an ex-marine," the taller woman sneered. "We're lucky these mists are impenetrable to normal acts of time and space, otherwise you'd turn us _all_ in."

"My daughters are on these ships, you Void-hunting bitch! How dare you suggest I would do _anything_ to harm them! GRAH!" Bellemere bellowed furiously as she swung a wild punch at Olvia; the archaeologist slid around the blow, a dark glint in her eyes _promising_ pain.

The sight dragged a pair of exasperated sighs from Conis and Serra. On the opposite side of the irate pair, another woman had the same reaction. Nefertari Titi shook her head as if she were regarding a pair of naughty toddlers before sending a significant glance Serra's way. The elder angel rose, shooting her daughter an apologetic look. "Just a minute, Love. Let me see if I can get those two to pipe down."

Serra approached Bellemere and Olvia with her hands raised, a sign of peace. They paused in their squabbling to frown at her as she came closer. "Ladies, this is supposed to be a happy day. Please stop fighting- you'll worry your daughters."

The response was… _less_ than peaceful.

"Shove it, ya filthy pirate!" Bellemere shot an obscene gesture Serra's way. "I don't wanna hear about worrying family from some floozy who took off when _her_ daughter was barely out of her diapers."

"That's the one thing we _can_ agree on," Olvia sniffed. "At least _my_ only crimes were being literate and having my own opinion."

Well, that was just—! Serra struggled to hold onto her temper. Opposite her, Titi sighed again and rolled her eyes. The queen approached Bellemere from behind as the ex-marine turned to snarl something at Olvia, motioning discreetly to Serra as she did so. The angel nodded and moved so she was slightly behind the archaeologist.

"There's a _reason_ you're not supposed to hunt those stones, you—!"

_THUNK!_

Skull met skull as Titi and Serra slammed the combatants' heads together, the argument dying a brutal death as Bellemere and Olvia both keeled over with pained gurgles, their blank eyes indicating a distinct _lack_ of consciousness.

Titi turned to Serra with a smile and granted her a graceful bow. "Thank you for your assistance, ma'am."

"No problem, Love." The angel grinned and dusted off her hands. "Honestly? It was just like being back on the Jackson. It feels like we have to solve a problem that way every hour on the hour."

Titi hid a snicker behind her hand as she righted herself, an impish glint in her eye. "Funny, I was about to say the same, only in regards to the last Reverie I attended."

Serra's grin widened as she held her elbow out to the queen. "Oooh, please _do_ tell."

Titi eagerly hooked her arm with the pirate's and the pair started to walk off…

"Mrgh…" Bellemere groaned as she started to sit up, rubbing the latest goosebump she'd accrued. "This is why I _hated_ the damn Royal postings…"

_THWACK!_

Though not before the handle of Serra's parasol _accidentally_ swung into the Marine's cranium, dropping her like a sack of potatoes.

**-o-**

"Other me, can you pass the garlic?" 12!Sanji called over as he rifled through the Sunny's cabinets, making a face as he processed what he'd just said. "Never thought something like _that'd_ be coming out of my mouth…"

"Sure thing. And me neither." The twin cooks were just finishing up dinner, their older/younger sister sitting on a stool watching them. TB!Sanji had just tossed 12!Sanji a garlic bulb when the door creaked open behind them. Heavy boots thudded against wood.

"Hey… Older, less shitty Shit Cook, can I talk to you for a bit?" Ghin leaned against the counter beside TB!Sanji. Both cooks huffed- their domain was _sacred_ , couldn't the war dog at least _wash his hands_ before he touched everything? But the elder nodded as he carefully tossed an immense Caesar salad.

"Sure, I guess. What about?"

"Jones said you were the one who saved me, in versions where she wasn't there. Mostly just wanted to say thanks, on behalf of the me from your world. Although… I'm kinda surprised not to see him here."

"Ah, don't worry about it," TB!Sanji waved him off indifferently as he flipped the contents of a frying pan. "He's doing well enough for himself- found his own shittier captain to serve. Though last I heard, he was pissed at the guy for stealing his credit over punching out a Celestial Dragon."

A dark grin crossed Ghin's face; he managed to tilt his head at just the right angle to make his _headband_ shadow his eyes. "That so? _Good_. Those bastards have it coming, and more. If I could take out every last one of 'em… Although I guess that means yours is one step ahead of me. Figures." The older pirate let out a huff of laughter. "Ah, well, I'm sure I'll catch up soon enough."

Pushing off the counter, Ghin wandered back out of the galley. He waved over his shoulder before slamming the door; 12!Sanji shook his head, but said nothing.

Reiju smiled at the sight. "You've made some good friends, Sanji. Both of you. You're happy here, aren't you? More than you could've been at home?"

The Sanjis looked at each other. "This _is_ home," they said in unison. "This, and the Baratie. Nowhere else."

"Oh. That's good. I'm proud." Hopping off her stool, Reiju was at the counter before either of her brothers could blink. "You were always too good of a person for Father; these pirates deserve you more. And you're even a decent cook now." The little princess reached out and absconded with a small spoonful of pudding before skipping out of the room. Both Sanjis stared at her, aghast.

"Reiju, wait! That's for dessert!"

"You're supposed to eat your vegetables first, you little—!" The cooks both gave up the fight with defeated sighs as they shook their heads. It was no use; Reiju wasn't going to listen. She never had. But she loved them, in her own strange way, and even after all these years, they still loved her too.

"Alright, we should probably start moving these out; they'll be kicking a party off any second now." TB!Sanji suggested.

"Tsh, damn right," 12!Sanji nodded sagely. "I can already hear Luffy shouting at the top of his lungs: 'Sanji, food!'"

"Did someone say 'food'?" both Luffys said in unison, one at the door and the other at a porthole. The Sanjis rolled their eyes as they picked up various dishes and brought them out on deck.

"Yeah, yeah, we're coming. Keep your hats on."

"We always do! What's that got to do with food?"

Someone—likely the Choppers and Usopps—had dragged a bunch of tables together on the deck to use as a buffet. The Sanji's set their precious burdens down, then turned in unison and punted their captains across the Sunny when the Luffys tried to jump on the food.

"Wait until the ladies have a chance!" TB!Sanji shouted.

"And preferably everyone else too!" was 12!Sanji's addition.

To their credit, both Luffys backed off and waited until the food was placed on the tables before quite literally diving in… though thankfully, by that point the Sanjis were prepared and the duo slammed face-first into their boots, prompting the quartet to fall into a brawl.

Reiju stood to the side, watching the exchange with a raised eyebrow. "Well, _this_ is certainly a new sight."

"Not for me it isn't," Makino giggled to herself. "Luffy and his brothers fought all the time."

Reiju's expression fell flat. "So did Sanji and his," she muttered melancholically, before she donned a fond smile. "I'm talking about the fact that he's actually holding his own."

Makino blinked at the young girl in surprise, but she swiftly gave her a kind smile. "Well, as nice as that is, I'm afraid it won't last long if he's standing between Luffy and food, so let's get some while we can. Shall we?"

"No need, I saw this coming a mile off," Reiju waved the bartender to the side. "I hid a stockpile of food while Sanji and Sanji were cooking. Care to have some?"

Makino took one look at the throng of people surrounding the small banquet before following the young girl with a beaming smile. "I'd love some, thank you."

The two headed for the kitchen, but paused as they saw the crew's ship-girl emerge with a large bowl filled with what looked very much like a trifle.

"Hey, how come _she_ gets dessert first?" Reiju questioned, drawing everyone's attention. Most of the TB!crew just gave a glance before going back to what they were doing, but most of the rest seemed indignant.

"She has a point," 12!Sanji said. "I can understand serving the ladies first, but—"

"It's not a dessert, it just looks like one," Franky grunted as he piled a plate high, holding it out of reach of his crew by dint of his outweighing most of the crew by half. "And it's not even _edible_ unless you were born a ship, so unless you want your stomach pumped, keep away from—"

"Fos?" A white dragon hatchling jumped up on Merry's shoulder and shoved his muzzle into her dish. The ship-girl let out a squawk of surprise. Ruatha was gone before she could do anything to him, tumbling down and across the deck while his scales turned a sickly shade of green. An instant later, the dragonet was retching over the side. "GYACH! Krastov! Hyech, hyech!"

"…Merry's food," Franky groaned as the dragon began coughing, prompting Jones and both Choppers to rush over, one in alarm, one in exasperation, and one in exasperated alarm.

"What is it, _poison?"_ Reiju asked.

"Assorted cloth, oil, and pitch," TB!Sanji deadpanned. "Like Franky said, gourmet for a ship-girl, inedible for anyone else."

Reiju and everyone who wasn't of the TB!crew blanched, and Sanji turned to his counterpart. "…OK, even I have to draw the line here. How do you make something that looks and smells so delicious out of cloth and oil?"

"With a lot of practice and help from some of the world's best shipwrights," TB!Sanji responded with a miserable grimace.

"And he has had a _lot_ of practice!" Merry hummed happily as she started to suck down her distinctly _unappetizing_ confection.

Mikey promptly shoved his plate back into place with a distinctly green hue to his face. "Aaaand just like that I've lost my appetite."

"Speak for yourse~elf!" Robin the Younger grinned as food was piled higher and higher on her plate, Pompeii's patchwork arms reaching out to grab Mikey's discarded plate.

"Wait, wha—WHAT THE HELL!?" Franky blurted out as he noticed that not only was the tyke skimping off the top of his plate, but so too was a certain meteorological tentacle, belonging to a certain navigator. "Aww, c'mon, you too, Big Sis?! Don't you girls have first come first served privileges!?"

"What can I say?" TB!Nami grinned as her Eisen Tempo piled her food into her hands. "Somehow, it just tastes better when it carries the spice of theft! Aaaall the sweeter!"

"I'll eat to that," Robin the Elder hummed pleasantly.

"That's the ide- _HEY!"_ TB!Nami barked as she noticed an autonomous limb swiping food from her _own_ plate.

"All's fair when you're a pi~ra~te," Elder Robin sang cheekily.

"Why, you—!"

A short ways away, Nico Olvia was watching with no small amount of bemusement as an indignant cyborg tried to fend off the thieving efforts of both her younger daughter and a meteorological-controlling navigator, who herself was duelling with the thieving hands of her _older_ daughter.

The rebellious archaeologist watched the exhibition for a few seconds longer before slowly tilting her head to the side in confusion. "How the _hell_ am I seeing this while I'm still sober?"

"My thoughts exactly!"

Olvia's blaring instincts prompted her to spin on her heel, bringing her face to face with…the label of a bottle? Her unasked question was answered when she noticed that said bottle was being held up next to the grinning and flushed face of a certain mohawk-bearing Marine.

"Bellemere," she greeted coolly, confirming with a glance that the angel and queen nearby had their attention on her before glancing back at the Marine. "I see you managed to find where they keep the liquor?"

"Not like it was hidden anyways!" Bellemere snickered before shaking the bottle in a tempting manner. "More importantly, seeing as you were just griping about being too sober, wanna fix it?"

Olvia gave the Marine a look of sheer disbelief. "I thought your opinion of me was that I was a, and I quote, 'Void-hunting bitch'."

"Oh you most definitely are, no question!" Bellemere agreed wholeheartedly, her smile wavering an inch _._ "Which makes it all the more important that I get you drinking!"

The Oharan's eye twitched as she tried to process just what she was hearing. "I beg your pardon?"

The Marine's grin took on a taunting overtone as she shoved it in her rival's face. "No way in _hell_ can I let myself fail in a contest of livers against a reckless idiot like you. We Marines have _pride!"_

Olvia cocked her eyebrow in a decidedly unimpressed manner. "And?"

Bellemere's smile changed to a grimace as she glanced in the direction of the 'peacemakers' that had broken them up, and who were still eyeing them even now. "Aaaaand I've already had _three_ concussions today. This seems like a good way to avoid a fourth while still trying to show your scrawny ass up."

Olvia's eye twitched yet again, only a lot more violently. Her eyes flicked from Bellemere to Titi and Serra, and then to the display at the buffet table; her daughters were still using their powers to snatch up food, and thoroughly enjoying it. She took a moment to appreciate the smiles that they had before turning back to the Marine, and accepting the bottle.

"Fine, then. But all bets are off if either Robin asks me for something," she said.

Bellemere's smirk widened tauntingly. "That's the one thing I can respect about you. Now put up or shut up, or are you too chicken-shit of a bookworm to—?"

Olvia cut her off by snatching the bottle out of Bellemere's hand, knocking it back and draining it of its contents in a matter of seconds a few decisive gulps. Once she was finished, she pinned the Marine with a firm glare as she shook the bottle out. "You're looking at the results of spending the better part of half a decade on the run, bitch."

Bellemere blinked at her in surprise for a moment, but she swiftly rallied in favor of donning an ecstatic grin as she raised her own bottle in a toast. " _Now_ we're talkin'! Let's have us some _fun!"_

As it became clear that there was no danger of them acting up, Titi and Serra were able to relax and focus on more enjoyable things- namely, their daughters and the defense of their dinner. Titi and Serra both turned their attention to the buffet table, their daughters coming up alongside them. Smiling, the elder angel picked up a set of chopsticks along with her dinner. "Oh! I know a delightful party game we can play with these!"

"Really?" Titi picked up her own set, staring at them questioningly. "I've never heard of such a thing. How do you play?"

"Like this!" Serra promptly stuck the chopsticks up her nose, settling the other ends on her lower lip to create a bizarrely stretched smile. Conis blinked at her in shock for a moment before dissolving into a giggling mess as she grabbed up another pair of wood and started to imitate her mother.

TB!Vivi glanced at her counterpart with a sly smile. "Come on, Mother; we do it all the time." So saying, the elder princess retrieved her own utensils and stuck them up her nose. Titi stared a little longer, then shrugged.

"Well, I suppose it can't do any harm." Much to the horror of her younger daughter, the queen joined in as well. And was soon having a lot of fun, dancing around with chopsticks in her nose, arm in arm with the others. 12!Vivi stared as if the other women had all grown extra heads.

"You… wha… _Mother!"_ she yelped indignantly, "I realize that my _alternate_ might have grown… _uncouth_ in her exile—!"

"I'd like to politely tell you to _shove it,_ other me!" TB!Vivi grit out through her rictus grin, a vein prominently throbbing on her brow.

"But _we're_ still civilized, so could you… _please_ not do that? It's undignified, and it looks painful." 12!Vivi shot a scowl in TB!Vivi's direction. Titi laughed.

"Of _course_ we can talk about something more ladylike if that's what you'd like, dear. So… Are there any cute pirate boys either of you have your eye on? Hmm?"

"Ah! I think I stabbed myself in the sinus!" 12!Vivi yelped as she hastily jabbed a chopstick at her nose. Her eyes were wide and her face was flushed red. "How do you fit these in without doing serious injury?"

"Or are you still waiting for that nice boy back home? What was his name again?"

Frantically looking around for an out, her eyes alighted on Cross and Lee, who so far had been standing back, away from the carnage and looking thoroughly amused by the whole scene. "Uh, would either of you like me to get something for you?" she desperately asked.

Cross' only response was to raise his Vision Dial and snap a picture, while Lee- was suddenly holding a full plate of food?! What?! But ho- oh, right. "Stands are precisely as bullshit as advertised, aren't they?" Cross asked offhandedly.

"B-rank speed is very nice," commented Lee as he took a bite. His face immediately lit up. "Oh my God, this is so good…"

Upon seeing a number of women with chopsticks up their noses, the Usopps and Choppers let out little yelps of glee. Soon there was a pair of snipers dancing around arm in arm, wooden utensils on proud display. The Choppers were slightly slower to join in, although that was only because they paused to show Hiriluk how to shove _his_ chopsticks up his nose without hurting himself. Banchina didn't rise to join the dance, but even she had chopsticks up her nose almost as soon as her sons did. She'd probably learned it from her husband.

"Alright Big Bro!" Johnny and Yosaku raced in a second later, taking their places on either side of the linked Usopps to form a chopstick kick line.

Fuming, the Sanjis glared around at the spreading epidemic, unable to decide who to kick first. "What's wrong with you shitheads? Can't you just sit down and eat like civilized people for _once in your shitty lives?!_ "

"Big Sis Serra started it!" Johnny yelped, a small leap dragging his end of the kick line further from the irate cooks. Both Sanjis froze, unable to comprehend the idea of an angelic woman being the leader of the so-called 'shitheads.'

Smiling, Reiju snuck up behind her brothers, making them jump when she announced her presence with a cough. "Relax, Sanji. It's all in good fun- enjoy it." So saying, the tiny blonde girl snatched her own pair of chopsticks off the buffet table and stuffed them up her nose. Both Sanjis were too flabbergasted to do anything.

Off to one side, the Zoros leaned back against a rail, Kuina sitting in between them. No one, not even the Luffys, dared try and steal from the little girl's plate while she was under the fond eyes of the twin swordsmen. Munching thoughtfully on a carrot, Kuina looked from one Zoro to the other.

"You've come a long way since we were little. I'm proud, even if you still have a long way to go." The little girl sighed heavily. "I'm glad you talked Father into letting you have Wado after… She wouldn't have been happy hanging on a wall."

"Of course. I couldn't just let—!"

"It wouldn't have felt right to—!"

Both Zoros stopped suddenly when they realized they were talking at the same time, their ears turned slightly red. When neither of them resumed speaking immediately, Kuina smiled. "I know. That's why I'm especially glad it was _you_."

"It's still not right…" 12!Zoro grumbled. "You should've been here the whole time, giving the shit cook hell with me."

TB!Zoro nodded. "Even if we fulfill your dream too, it still doesn't… We'll never know how strong you _could've_ been, whether you _could've_ made World's Strongest Swordsman."

"Hey! If either of you can, I can too!" Kuina's eyes flashed. "You know what I think? I think that when you die, you'll find your versions of me waiting for you. I'll keep training in the afterlife so when we meet again, we can have our duel. Even if I can't be the greatest swordsman in this world, I'll be the greatest in the next one."

The Zoros each placed a hand on one of Kuina's shoulders, chuckling. "We'll see. After all, to earn that title—"

"You'll still have to beat us."

With both Zoros thus distracted and Ghin off somewhere with Tippy, there was no one to tell either Sanji off for wolf-whistling when an unfamiliar—and rather attractive—woman appeared in the midst of the chaos. Not that she paid them much attention at first. Smiling broadly, the newcomer waved at Kaya and Merry, who were off on one of the rails. "Thanks for letting me borrow the shoes, Hun. They fit great, and it sure helps my balance."

"Don't mention it." Kaya smiled. "And they look lovely on you."

"Who's that?" 12!Sanji breathed to his counterpart. "She's gorgeous!"

"No idea." The smoke from TB!Sanji's cigarette morphed into little hearts. "So, she's not on your crew, then?"

"I thought she was on yours. Must be someone's older sister or something."

The newcomer finally seemed to notice that the cooks were talking about her- and she didn't mind one bit. Sauntering over, she slung her arms over both their shoulders and hung between the Sanjis with a slight giggle. "Aww… Are you boys staring at my butt?"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Well, at least one of you's honest. Go right ahead; I'm kinda proud of it, and just looking don't hurt anyone." The woman winked, causing both Sanjis to flush bright red. "And don't worry; I'm nobody's sister, so you won't have to worry about any angry brothers getting on your ass."

"But if you're not someone's sister," 12!Sanji wondered. "And you look too young to be anyone's mother… Who are you?"

"Name's Kokoro. Apparently I'm here for Franky; my future self raised him or something. Interesting boy."

TB!Sanji paled noticeably. He froze as Kokoro continued to hug and giggle. "I am… _so_ conflicted right now…"

"Really?" his counterpart mumbled dazedly. "Why's that?"

"Trust me when I say, you don't want to know." And with that, he slunk off back to the food table, muttering something about a man's dream and dugongs.

"IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME, SANJI, I'M A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT!" roared a ballistic seal-turtle hybrid as he shot across the deck, snagging a few strips of meat from the buffet table before blurring out of sight again. A moment later, the TDWS came into view; despite their ever-murderous appearance, they were panting a little.

"Dang it… we're slowing down," Leo growled.

"The hell we are. Hit the caffeine!" Mikey declared, shooting forward and snagging a mound of chocolate from the table, scarfing it down, and vanishing.

"Damn it, for once the nunchuk numbskull's right!" Raphey snapped, grabbing a sugary treat of her own off the table. "Sugar for energy, GO!" And with that, the dugong shoved the pastry down her throat and _also_ blurred out of sight.

Donny and Leo hesitated with their own choices of 'food', glancing at each other uneasily. "…this is gonna _suck_ later, isn't it?" Donny deduced miserably.

"Yeah…" Leo nodded grimly. "But at the least, we're gonna make _**him**_ suffer first, so bottoms up!"

With that, they each downed a can of the unholy brainchild of Franky's cola and Chopper's adrenaline serums that they had simply named 'Monster.' A second later, the pair seemed to start vibrating in place. From the perspective of everyone else that is; Donny and Leo had a very different view. Namely, from what I could get out of their insensate mumblings after the fact? To them, the world suddenly _froze_. Even sound- while they could understand each other perfectly, everything else seemed like a low, senseless roar. And when they moved, they didn't blur away from the viewing parties; they simply vanished.

**-o-**

"Thank goodness we only had two cans of that stuff," Franky muttered, eyeing the starry-eyed Luffys who were staring at where the two Dugongs had been a moment before, then picking up the cans and surreptitiously heading for Chopper's lab.

"I'll second that," I nodded, flashing back to the last time Luffy had gotten ahold of an adrenaline-inducing solution and promptly shuddering in bowel-voiding horror.

So… much… _goulash…_

A thud beside me drew me out of my thoughts; Jones had returned, vaulting over her Luffy's arm to land beside me. Ruatha was perched on her shoulder once more, looking no worse for wear despite what he'd tried eating. Little dragon must have a stomach of iron. The dragon mother sat down and portioned out food for her hatchling before getting started on her own dinner. A soft smile, much different from her earlier grins, grew on her face.

"It's nice to see everyone so happy. I'm glad… This will at least give everyone a little closure." Her voice was quiet, and a little… sad?

It took a second for things to ping for me, but once they did I adjusted my place in my seat so that I could lean forwards and get a clean look at her. "Hey… Jones?" I started tentatively. "I… geeze, can't believe we forgot, but… do you… want to slip out real quick? Just, I dunno, do a quick circuit of the place? With Soundbite's range, I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard to find-?"

"No point." Jones shook her head promptly, her expression unchanged. "There wouldn't be anyone out there."

"Hey, come on-!" I started to assure her.

"Really, they're not," she pressed on, a slightly melancholic smile coming across her lips. "If anyone I used to know was coming, we'd know by now. My friends weren't exactly masters of stealth, and Great-Grandpa… Imagine Garp, but German. I haven't heard or seen any signs of _anyone_. They're not out there."

I did my best to hide a grimace as I considered who she had and, more specifically, _hadn't_ included in her list of possibles. "Ah, geeze, Jones…"

"I-It's fine, Cross, really," she assured me, a renewed kind of energy coming into her smile. "For a while I was… _resigned_ to the idea that maybe no one was coming for me at all. But I've been thinking about it, and I think… I know better now."

"Seriously?" I perked up eagerly, casting surreptitious glances left and right. "Well that's great! Who is it? Is it someone he-?"

Out of the blue I was cut off… by Jones poking me in the dead center of my forehead?

"You, moron," she snickered, her tone indicating that she meant that both with and without the comma. "I think it was supposed to be you. Weird, I know, we- we'd never met before- but it's the only explanation I can think of for…" She trailed off, waving a hand at the two crews surrounding us with joyful chaos.

I blinked at her numbly before running my hand through my hair with an exasperated laugh. "Ah, _geeze,_ Jones… way to put pressure on a guy…" But, just as swiftly, I gave her a wide grin. "But hell, way to make him feel special too. And seeing as that's the case!" I clapped my hands and rubbed them together. "Seeing as that's the case, I might as well act the part by asking the essential question!" I leaned in to give her an inquisitive smile. "How's life on the Blue Seas been treating you?"

"Like a goddamn chew toy," she answered swiftly, not even a _hint_ of hesitation in her voice. "Everything seems to be out to eat me, all my plans get flipped on their side, even fights that should be easy aren't what I thought they'd be… But maudit, I'm having so much _fun_." She broke off for a moment, staring into space. "I could've died a number of times already- could die tomorrow, for all I know. But you know what?" Here, her mad grin returned with a vengeance. "If I do, I'm taking the _whole_ _ **fucking**_ _Grand Line_ down with me."

**-o-**

I slammed my fist into my palm to emphasize my words, releasing a small, harmless shockwave from the impact. Ruatha chirped in agreement.

Beside us, Cross was… oddly silent for a long moment. His expression blank as he stared at me, and I could tell that… _something_ was churning in his head.

Finally, he folded his hands on the table, and pinned me with a _hard_ look. "Jones," he stated firmly. "I want you to do me a favor, alright?"

"Eh?" I cocked my head to the side in confusion, Ruatha following my example. "Sure. What is it?"

"Keep going. No matter what, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts… you keep going, alright? Because… you can make it, understand? I can see in you the exact same kind of guts that are in me. The _exact_ same will to succeed. And I want you to know… when you reach the top? When you hit the top of the world… we'll be there. We'll be there, waiting to welcome you with open arms… because you have _earned it._ And because we know that you can _make it._ "

Whaaaa…? My brain momentarily ceased all function. No one had ever… The next thing I knew, Ruatha was tumbling off of my shoulder as I launched myself forwards. I collided with Cross in a hug that probably would've been _painful_ without my fruit, clinging to him for all I was worth. Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes; I hid my face against his shoulder so no one would see them. "Thank you… Just, thank you…"

I felt another body press against my back, arms wrapping around the both of us. A thick beard tickled the top of my head. Lee. He didn't say anything; he just hugged.

And then there was a third presence as well, though not physical, as the warmth from earlier returned. An invisible force that made me feel safe… What I would give to be able to find the source. It felt like… love?

I don't know how long the… four? of us were in that position, but when Cross and Lee pulled back, I saw pretty much everyone looking at us. Some in shock, some in confusion, and some in approval. And of the ones in the third category, the two Luffys were the most notable with their D-shaped grins. A second later, they moved in unison, raising a pair of mugs. Within seconds, everyone onboard had joined them. The captains were clearly on the same wavelength at this point, as they spoke in unison as well:

"To the craziness of the Grand Line that brought us here, to the best meat we've ever had—"

I _wanted_ to feel exasperated at that, but with two Sanjis in the kitchen? Yeah, it was worth mentioning. Especially the bacon.

"—And to our friends from another world, and all their shenanigans!"

Suddenly, Lee had a mug in his hand, and was holding out another pair towards us via Stand. Which was still freaky, by the way, but it didn't stop us from taking the mugs.

" _KANPAI!"_ both Luffys declared in unison.

" _KANPAI!"_ was the unanimous response from everyone surrounding us.

Cross and I exchanged bemused looks, before we both grinned from ear to ear and slammed our mugs together.

" _KANPAI!"_

**Cross-Brain AN: Now, for clarity's sake: Jones, Ruatha, and the alternate Straw Hats are from another One Piece SI called** _**Twelve Red Lines.** _ **Its author, Vikingr, graciously collaborated with us on this chapter, and we would like to extend our thanks.**

**Vikingr AN: As I would like to extend a great many thanks to the Senpais for allowing me to work with them. I'd never collaborated with anyone on a fic before; this was a good learning experience and a lot of fun.**

**Xomniac AN: For the record, Cross's words at the end? They're** _ **exactly**_ **why we chose to write this omake, because upon reading the first few chapters of** _ **Twelve Red Lines...**_ **well hell, we just** _ **knew it**_ **to be true. We might be the up-and-coming kings, but that doesn't mean we can't go ahead and name our heir.**

**Hornet AN: As for Lee, as you might have guessed he's from a JoJo SI of my own that's currently still in the planning stages.**

**Patient AN: The same goes for the Yu-Gi-Oh! SI mentioned above. Now you have something else to look forward to when we go on our hiatus. Oh, yes, and one more thing: regarding the canonicity of this omake? Think of it like Omatsuri: a couple of lasting effects, but unlikely to be mentioned again in the story.**


	3. Chapter 3

### Chapter 58: Chapter 51: Nightmare Finales! A Devil Falls To The Pirate King's Dream!

### Chapter Text

**Xomniac AN: Sorry for the massive delay, people, this just didn't wanna be written! And hey, look: posted from France! Woot!**

**Patient AN: Credit to the Ego for the planning of the chapter-long fight. Credit to the Superego for the writing of the chapter-long fight. And… well… I guess I may have helped some, too?**

**Hornet AN: We apologize for the relatively short length, but we refuse to stretch the chapter, and honestly, I think you'd all prefer getting the chapter ASAP.**

My first thought upon waking was _'Owwwwwwwwww…'_ My second was… non-printable because of the stream of omni-offensive profanity that spewed from my metaphorical mouth, a sliver of it actually managing to claw its way out of my throat. It was only with my third thought that my brain decided to get its shit together and 'helpfully' inform me that I was still alive. My natural response to that, of course, was to stir and attempt to sit up, only to feel a familiar pair of hooves still my movement.

"Easy, easy," Chopper said in a somewhat loud but _definitely_ fear-choked whisper. "I just finished packing and bandaging that wound in your side, I'd rather you not spill your intestines all over the ground… again."

_SMASH!_

The Spark of Genius cast a fearful glance up and to the side as the sound of _something_ getting smashed somewhere else rang out. "Also, really don't want you inadvertently provoking the shadow-wielding psychopath."

I followed his gaze up to a solid wall of dirt, then further up to a roiling mass of _black_. Right. Moria. Awakening. And in other news, _owwwwww son-of-a-biiiiiiitch!_ I curled up, trembling from the mother of all gut-burns, and it was several seconds before it subsided enough to crack an eye open at Chopper. "What'd I miss?" I whispered back.

Chopper let out a miserable snort and shook his head as he started working on an injured Rolling Pirate, one that I couldn't help but notice was practically cut to ribbons, and much more importantly, one of a whole _hell_ of a lot of them that were lying around us in the… trench? Yeah, I think it was a trench, earth was ripped up around us but it was still a—

Right, Chopper speaking, focus. Though, there was something odd about the dirt…

"Not much," the reindeer grit out as he worked on patching the allied pirate up. "It's just that, ah… h-he basically made every shadow around us become… _tangible_ at the same time. After that…" He shook his head. "Yeah, I don't know the exact specifics and I doubt anyone could follow it. Just, one second there was absolute _chaos_ and the next the ground was ripped up and Moria was stalking around attacking anyone he could find!"

"And we haven't run yet _why,_ exactly?"

"Because of _that."_

I followed the doctor's hoof, found he was pointing at the mass of black that extended above the dirt wall's edge, and paled as I realized that it wasn't just writhing black, it was a shadowy and fully mobile _thorn hedge_ , one that would have made even Maleficent herself applaud.

And it was then that I realized something else, something that had been bugging me and made my stomach practically fall out of my ass. The trench was too bright. There was _no shadow_.

"…that's a damn good reason."

As another thunderous smash sounded out, noticeably further away than the first one, I turned to look at my partner, who was shivering within his shell. "Soundbite?"

_**"** _ _**Come out, come out, wherever you are~!"** _

I shivered at the distinctly _unhinged_ voice that washed over me, rife with sadistic glee. "Ooookay, did _not_ need to hear that."

_"_ _Wasn't me…"_

You can damn well be sure that I stiffened at _that_ little whisper. "I beg your pardon?"

Soundbite poked his quivering eyestalks out of his shell to give me a panicked look. "IT'S THE SHADOWS… _THE SHADOWS THEMSELVES are speaking with him!"_

Well, that was a thing. "Okay, so, before I go completely catatonic from _totally justified mind-rending terror_ …" I blinked, realizing I didn't actually know what Moria was doing. "Actually, hang on. What _is_ he doing, exactly?"

Chopper hesitated briefly, but then hung his head with a weary groan. "Well, seeing as your guts aren't in any danger of falling out right this moment and no one else is going to keel over if I don't get to them immediately… it'll be easier if I just show you."

And with that, the Zoan-doctor helped me get to my feet—not an easy feat given how it felt like I had a freaking red-hot _rod_ through my side—and helped me make my way up the slope of our trench. Once at the top, we peeked over the edge and beheld… well, _hell._

It's… hard to come up with a better name for it, really. Imagine the war-torn fields of No Man's Land that arose in World War One: barren plains crisscrossed with trenches and blown all to hell and back. What I saw was that cranked to a 100: the trenches were less purposeful structures and more gouges that had been ripped open in the earth, and the eviscerated remains of the long-deceased covered practically every square inch of the scarred ground.

And what better to complete an image of hell than a _devil_ stalking the field of the damned?

It was a _little_ hard to tell what Moria's _exact_ mental state was at the moment, seeing as his back was to me, but going by how his foot was encased in a colossal spiked boot made of shadow that he was using to stomp one of the trenches flat, it wasn't hard to guess the gist. The fact that he was twitching like a tweaker and laughing like a loon was also _kinda_ a hint.

Aaaand then there was the _song:_

_**"**_ _ **All the little bugs Hiding in their holes~ Should come out to play!"**_ Moria crooned in the wispy Voice of the Legion he'd adopted, before suddenly snarling as he _tripled_ the rate at which he was smashing his shadow-encased foot into the ground. _ **"OR ELSE I'LL TURN YOU ALL TO PASTE AND BE DONE WITH YOU!"**_

I gurgled miserably under my breath at the display of literally _insane_ violence. "And nobody's tried to put him down yet _why,_ exactly?"

"Weeeell…" Chopper dragged out with a grimace. "First off…"

_**"** _ _**SKREEEEEOOOOONK!"** _

Chopper was cut off by a very sudden and _familiar_ roar splitting the air, prompting both us and Moria to snap our heads around.

Turns out that either Chopper was an even better surgeon than we thought or Franky was better with his designs, but either way the end result was the same: A fire-belching robotic Tyrannosaurus Rex that was back on its taloned feet, barreling towards Moria like a runaway sea train.

_CHOMP!_

And that then proceeded to sink its fangs into Moria's neck like a rabid Sea King.

For an intense and… somewhat confusing minute, I felt hope at the sight of a fellow… human? Let's go with 'sapient' being, being devoured by the king of all lizards.

**"** **Useless…"** Soundbite whispered in terror.

And then that hope was cruelly extinguished by 'Moria's' pitch-black head suddenly rotating a full 180 degrees to unveil the rabidly grinning face of a Doppleman, which let loose an ethereal cackle as it grabbed the instantly panicked cyber-dino's throat and held it in place.

"He keeps doing _that,"_ Chopper gulped, shivering in place. "And then… there's the _others."_

Before I could question what he meant by 'others', I was answered by _two other_ shadow-men rising from the shade around the dino-borg's feet. The trio of umbral marauders all howled with maddened glee and raised their unnaturally taloned hands. And then…

_**"** _ _**SKREEOOOOOR** _ _RRRGghgghhhhr…."_

_**"** _ _**KISHISHISHISHISHI!"** _

"Oh, _fucking hell!"_ Gagging, I ducked my head back into the trench, fighting to keep my bile in check. I'd heard the words 'ripped limb from limb' plenty of times over the years, but no way did I ever expect to actually see it in _action!_ "How the hell is he doing that?!"

"A complete psychotic break for starters, but I'm fairly certain the fact that he was almost certainly a sociopath of the highest order to begin with doesn't help," Chopper droned in a dead voice muffled by the dirt he'd buried his face in.

"No, I mean _literally!"_ I hissed frantically. "Moria only ever showed the ability to produce a _single_ Doppleman out of his _own_ shadow! Even if he _could_ make more than one, they'd have to be smaller from division of resources! How does he have more than one of that thing that are at full size!?"

_"_ _Devil Fruits are bullshit, Awakened Devil Fruits make mere bullshit their bitch?"_ Soundbite replied in my voice.

"What are you—ah," I finished lamely as I recalled exactly _how_ this whole shitshow had started. "You're… certain he—?"

_**"**_ _ **Beyond the MACRO-**_ UMBRAKINESIS HE'S SLINGING, YOU MEAN?" my partner in slime snarked. He then shuddered and lowered his eyestalks. _**"I… I heard it happen.**_ **And lemme tell you, ON TOP OF WHAT WE ALREADY DID TO HIM?"**

_**"**_ _ **Come out, little buggy-bugs!"**_ Moria's voice floated through the air. _**"COME OUT SO THAT I CAN RIP YOUR SKIN OFF WITH MY FINGERS!"**_

Soundbite shivered in terror. _"In case it isn't obvious,_ **he's gone chair-leg savaging, carpet gnawing, baying-at-the-moon** _ **bonkers."**_

"Fucking…" I groaned, dragging my hand down my face. That done, I shoved my mind into gear. "Alright, first things first: roll call, who's still conscious and who's down for the count?"

"Vivi, Carue, Merry, the TDWS, and most of Lola's crew all went down with you in the opening attack," Chopper answered with a grimace. "I treated them first, but they already took too much damage in the fights before this; they won't be waking up anytime soon. Conis got hit pretty hard, too; I'm pretty sure that Su's the only thing keeping her awake at this point."

_"_ _Franky has plenty of fight left_ **, but he's out of cola,"** Soundbite picked up. " _ **Lassoo and Funkfreed are playing dead**_ **in their weapon forms** _at different spots, which is the only_ THING THEY CAN DO SEEING AS _**THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF**_ **THE KILLING FIELD!"**

_"_ _The rest of us are ready to fight,"_ Robin's voice came in softly. _"Unfortunately, however, everyone aside from Usopp and myself are dealing with varying degrees of weariness from the fights up until this point, especially Luffy, Zoro, and Nami."_

I grimaced miserably as I ran the numbers. That was half of our crew out of commission, and while we still had the Monster Trio and Boss, it did a fat lot of good for us when Moria had a seriousface _killzone_ going on around him.

Still, priorities. "Alright… not necessarily _good,_ but it's better than nobody…" I sighed heavily, flinching at the sound of Moria smashing _another_ trench flat. "Next, before we do jack—!"

_**"**_ _**Hmm… what's this~?"**_

I froze as Moria suddenly spoke up, a distinct tone of menace undercutting his otherwise serene (if insane) query.

_**"**_ _**None of the bugs want to come out and play? Well, if that's how it is…"**_

A slight rustling noise drew my attention, and my gut _froze_ when I noticed the thorn hedge keeping us penned in beginning to shift.

_**"**_ _**I'LL JUST SQUASH YOU FLAT RIGHT NOW!"**_

"We need to move, now!" Not waiting for a response, I grabbed Chopper and began _sprinting_ down the trench. "Before he floods the trenches with thorns and turns us all into slurry!"

"Wait, Cross, if I move these guys—"

The reindeer-man cut himself off with a choked gurgle when the tip of a thorny vine began to poke through the soil of one of the trench walls.

"That is a _great_ plan and I will get right on it!" Chopper yelped, suddenly shifting into Heavy Point. " _HEY, MORIA, HEADS UP!"_ Reaching into his pouch, he grabbed and flung a vial at the rabid Warlord. "CHERRY BLOSSOM!"

A glance over the edge showed Moria turning a bloodshot glare on the vial. _**"Pest,"**_ he rumbled dismissively, a Doppleman popping up to swat the glass—

_FWOOSH!_

_**"**_ _**GWAH!"**_

Only to yelp in shock when a pink haze suddenly consumed him and a _lot_ of the field.

"HAZE!" Chopper concluded victoriously, standing proud for a second. After that second, he promptly shrank back down and shot me a frantic look. "Alright, he's distracted. Now what do we do!? We're still trapped!"

"Uh…" I erred uncertainly as I drew a raging blank. Damn it, I must have been woozier than I thought; I usually only got bitten in the ass on the _second_ step ahead, not the first!

"THE MANOR!"

"Wha—?" I jumped when Soundbite suddenly barked.

_"_ _EVERYONE INTO THE MANOR!"_ he ordered. **"IT'S A TOTAL MAZE** _ **IN THERE! WITH ANY LUCK, WE CAN LOSE him in the corridors!"**_

_"_ _But won't we get pretty lost, too?"_ Luffy pointed out.

_"_ _I knew it, it IS the apocalypse!"_ Usopp sobbed miserably.

"JUST TRUST ME, DAMN IT! _**I know what I'm doing!"**_

_"_ _Alright, good enough for me! Come on guys, let's do what he says!"_

_"_ _I really wish you'd stop pinballing and make up your mind about whether or not the world is ending, Luffy…"_ Nami groaned wearily.

"Enough, let's just go before Moria stops bothering to _aim_!" I cut in.

"But what about everyone who's hurt!?" Chopper demanded, casting a desperate gaze over his patients.

"We leave them, _and they'll be fine!"_ I hastily added when Chopper's eyes flashed blue. "Because Moria's looking for a fight, he wants _live_ targets! So long as he knows the 'bugs' are in his manor, he'll ignore everyone else to focus on _us,_ alright?"

The cyan faded, but the way Chopper was biting his lip made it clear that he was still uncomfortable with the plan. Nonetheless, he ran with me as I made a beeline through the fog, stumbling over corpses and writhing shadows as I headed for the haunted mansion. I detoured just enough to follow Soundbite's directions to where Lassoo and Funkfreed lay, strapping them on my back as I ran. As a result, I fell far behind Chopper and the rest of the crew, leaving none of them in sight when I crossed the mansion's threshold.

_"_ _And nine… ten…_ TWELVE… _**and the rest of the Rolling Pirates arrrrre CLEAR!**_ **NOW, SOMEONE TAKE A POTSHOT** _TO LURE HIM TO US!"_ Soundbite barked.

_"_ _We can't see anything through this fog!"_ came several voices. A pause…

_"…_ _This is the first time in my life that I'm resenting being such a good marksman,"_ Usopp moaned. _"Alright, alright… Special Attack: NOVA STAR!"_

_FWA-BANG!_ A blast of insanely bright light, coupled with an ear-shattering explosion of noise, penetrated the pink haze.

_**"**_ _ **GYAGH!"**_ Moria howled irately, his silhouette flailing about. _**"YOU MISERABLE BASTARDS! I'LL RIP YOUR SPINES OUT THROUGH YOUR—!"**_

Suddenly, the threat was cut short, Soundbite making a face. "I LIKE PROFANITY AS MUCH **AS** _ **THE NEXT GUY, BUT**_ **even I have my limits,"** he deadpanned. " _And by the way, doesn't_ ** _that attack literally_** **TRANSLATE TO 'STAR STAR'?"**

_"_ _LESS SNARK, MORE STRATEGY!"_ Usopp shot back. _"We need to figure out some way to finish him, before—!"_

_**"**_ _ **So, infesting my humble abode, are you?"**_ I came to a screeching halt as Moria's voice suddenly rolled over me like a wave of tar. _**"Well, if you want to play… THEN LET'S PLAY!"**_

I twitched as the Warlord's voice suddenly took on an unmistakably homicidal tone. "Uh… are there suddenly _more_ of him?"

_"_ _By my count?"_ Soundbite replied flatly. **"About a dozen more TO BE SPECIFIC,** _ALL PURE SHADOW."_

_**"**_ _ **FEE FI FO FUM!"**_ the chorus of the deranged cackled. _**"READY OR NOT, YOU'RE**_ **ALL** _ **DEAD!"**_

_"_ _I hate ruined rhymes,"_ someone muttered.

_"_ _I hate the fact that even though I'd already resigned myself to an odd death the second I joined this crew,_ this _tops everything I could have possibly imagined,"_ Nami deadpanned.

Before anyone could pitch in with more snark, Soundbite suddenly barked _"EVERYONE, DUCK!"_ I didn't question it, immediately throwing myself to the floor.

_SMASH!_

And a _good fucking thing,_ too, as I felt something ruffle my hair before smashing into the other wall of the dining room. I chanced a glance up, catching a glimpse of a spiral spear the size of a large tree sitting on a pile of shattered wood and plaster that promptly unfolded into one of the Doppelmen, which then proceeded to turn around and split in half at its too-too wide mou _OH FUCK ME!_

"NOPE," I summarized, promptly spinning on my heel and running like—oh, I'm sorry, I mean _because_ hell was right on my ass. And going by the plethora of screams I could hear echoing through the halls of the manor, I wasn't the only one being chased.

After sprinting a dozen or so meters down the hallway, I caught sight of an upcoming intersection. I tried to decide on which path to take—

_**"** _ _**HANG A LEFT** _ _and then duck behind the SUIT OF ARMOR!"_

When my partner's hasty hiss directed me to a side of the passage I was currently traveling. I followed his instructions, and the wall proceeded to—why was I even surprised? Of _course_ the haunted mansion had secret passageways built into it for normal people, not just the spider-mice. I ducked inside and closed the 'door' behind me, leaning against it with my heart pounding in my chest as I awaited either my salvation or my inevitable demise.

Thankfully, the continued shaking of the ground from the Doppelman's stomps indicated that the umbral homunculus had passed me by and that I was safe for however long I could keep dodging it.

"That was too close, thanks for that, Soundbite," I sighed in relief, before affixing my partner with a confused look. "But… _how_ did you do that exactly?"

_"_ _Ah, t-that's right…"_ Conis bit out, Soundbite's bleary look communicating her effort to stay conscious. _"Weren't you… having a hard time mapping out the manor? Because of… uh…"_

_"_ _Because of the zombies being so damned silent, right?!"_ Su prompted, no small amount of desperation in her voice.

_"_ _Y-Yes, that…"_

_**"**_ _ **New move of mine**_ **I JUST WORKED OUT,"** Soundbite informed us tightly, his expression one of pure concentration. "BY BOUNCING SOUNDS OFF OF OBJECTS, _I CAN GET A GOODLY MAP OF MY SURROUNDINGS. Trying to ping the whole of my radius wouldn't fly,_ **but I can manage for just the manor."**

"Gastro-Sonar, got it," I nodded in understanding, before frowning as a thought struck me. "But… wait, why are you only using this now? Why not before?"

_**"**_ _ **Before, I could only**_ **THROW MY VOICE SOMEWHERE AND THAT WAS THAT.** BUT NOW, I CAN TELL WHERE _I CAN AND CAN'T_ **raise a racket and build a map based off of that—!"**

"—thanks to your Awakening!" I divined before scowling acridly. "Okay, seriously!? Soundbite, if this is what Awakened Devil Fruits can do, why the hell didn't you do anything like this at Enies Lobby?!"

_"_ _BECAUSE I WAS HALF-DEAD IN MY SHELL THEN,_ **AND I AIN'T FEELING SO HOT NOW EITHER!"** my snail snapped back with just as much venom. _"DO YOU KNOW MUCH_ ** _energy it takes to piledrive reality?!_** I'VE TRIED PRACTICING MY ABILITIES BEFORE, **AND EVERY TIME IT ALMOST WIPES ME OUT IN TWO MINUTES!"**

I winced as the sound of splintering wood and shattering rock echoed throughout the manse, and promptly used it to rally my indignation. "Doesn't seem to be a problem for _him!"_

_"_ _Some 'God of Noise' you are when you're the only one on equal ground with Moria and you're as helpless as the rest of us!"_ Su barked furiously, though I _think_ a load of her temper came from the way Conis was groaning.

I jumped enough that I actually fell down as what sounded very much like a freaking _sonic boom_ split the air. I glanced at my shoulder intent on asking about it, only to immediately come to the correct conclusion. Scarlet skin instead of gray and a more ferocious expression than any snail had the right to have on their face? It wasn't hard to figure out that I had just _heard_ Soundbite's composure snap. And then he exploded in a rant.

**"** _ **Equal grounds?!**_ **EQUAL GROUNDS?!** _I A̴M̕ A_ ** _͞F̛R҉EA͘K͢I̷N̸G_** _̢_ **SN͢ĄIL!** ḐO ̨YOU ͏REAĹLY̸ THI̧N̴ _Ḱ I ́H͜AV̶E̕N'T BE̛EŃ TŖYÍNG̕ ̸T͜O̵_ CHA͞N̨N͜EL M͘Y ͢POWER͠S ͞ḾORE̷ _͜AF͠T̛ER I ͘AWAK̨E͘N̷ED?!̨_ **̨AFTE̡R͜ ҉C̢ROSS ̕G͏O͞T ͝S͝CAR͏RÈD F̡OR ͜LI̕FE** _ **A̢GAI̛N͏?**_ **M̸̢̛Y ́B̴̵Ó͠DY̨̕'̵S̨ ̨̛JÚS̵̡T͘ ̨̕N̶̶͝O̵T̡ ͟B̀͜͜U̶̕͡Į̸̡L̢T̸̷ T͞O͞ ̵C̢̧͡H͘̕͜AN҉̛̀Ń̀̀EL͜͢ ̕T̴͢H̵͏ÀT ̧̧M͝U͏C͟H͡ E̕NE̕R̶̡G͜͏͏Ỳ͡͞ Ą͡T͢ O̡͡Ǹ͜C͠͞Ę!́** MY LIM͟I̧TS͏ ͟GR̴O҉W _͏THE͠ M̸ORE ͞I̡ PR͜A҉C̛TIC̴E͢_ ** _,̕ ͡B̛U͡T̛ T̵HE̕Y'̧RE̴ ͡S͠TIL̴L̛ ̸LOW͢_** _!҉"_

_"_ _E-Even Awakened?"_ Chopper asked hesitantly, obviously as off-kilter as I was from my partner's sudden outburst.

_**"**_ _ **E̶SPE̶CIALLY ͞AW҉AKE̷NE҉D̨! ͜IT'S͜ ̛GO̢D-̧TIE͟R ŔEA̡LI̵T̶Y W͏A̸RṔING,̵ and҉ y̕ou ̀cąn't ͡us͏e̶ ̷t͜h̶a͠t͟ wi͏thou̸t ͟GOD̷-TĮE͝R EN̷ERGY!"**_ Soundbite fired back, turning his gaze in Moria's general direction. **"** EVEN MORIA IS PUSHING IT, _DOING THIS MUCH RIGHT AFTER HE AWAKENED! He might be hopped up on rage and adrenaline, but take it from me:_ **that shit doesn't last forever! EVEN IF I HAD TEN TIMES MY ENERGY,** _ **I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO USE THIS MUCH POWER FOR MORE THAN TEN MINUTES BEFORE—"**_

Soundbite's tirade abruptly ceased, the rage on his face fading as both his eyes and mine widened in realization.

_"_ _Before burnout,"_ we breathed in realization.

I promptly broke out in a massive grin as I high-eyed my partner-in-slime. "And _that_ is why we stick together!"

_**"** _ _**That and** _ **you wipe my ass!"**

_"_ _W-W-W-Wait, let me see if I've got this right…"_ Usopp stammered hopefully. _"S-S-S-So w-we don't_ need _to beat him? We just need to outl-l-last him?"_

"Bingo," I confirmed. "He can only last so long the way he is, and with his sanity shot, he won't see his crash coming until it whacks him upside the head. All we have to do is wait for his energy levels to flatline—!"

_**"** _ _**WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU BASTARDS!?"** _

I flinched as the manor shook around us from the force of the bellow, a worrying amount of dust falling on my head and prompting me to start scrambling down the cranny we were stuffed into.

"…which could take awhile, during which time he could still find us all and grind us into paste, so I think we'd better burn the candle at both ends by giving him a push," I continued. "In pursuit of that goal, our first order of business is to figure out what _exactly_ Moria can do now. Right off the bat, the most obvious thing is that he's not just capable of controlling his own shadow anymore, but others around him."

_"_ _Well, if it's any comfort, I don't think he can control_ our _shadows!"_ Brook commented, with at least a _hint_ of positivity. _"He's passed me close by once or twice, but he hasn't taken the opportunity to parade me out and torture me for his amusement."_ Above us, Moria let loose another deranged cackle. _"And I don't think he's_ quite _mad enough to willingly pass up that opportunity."_

I nodded in agreement. "Makes sense. He always needed a big pair of scissors and a particularly bright light to steal someone's shadow, he couldn't just take it without effort, so controlling them must still be out of his wheelhouse even now."

_"_ _But wait…"_ Nami interjected _. "Shouldn't he still be able to tell where we are from the places he can't control, like with Soundbite's sonar?"_

"DOUBT IT," Soundbite interjected. " _HIS RANGE JUST_ ** _SKYROCKETED TO WAY BEYOND_** **what he normally operates with.** _ **It'd be like trying to pick a half-dozen specific dots out of AN ABSTRACT PAINTING.**_ _Trust me, learning how to handle that much awareness isn't something you do fast,_ EVEN WITH A CLEAR HEAD. **JUST LOOK AT ME:** _ **I've had a mile- long range for months now,**_ **and I still miss things."**

_"_ _Still, I assume we're_ not _going to just push our luck and stay where we are?"_ Sanji asked dryly.

_"_ _If you've been sitting still like an idiot this whole time, then you deserve whatever comes to you, swirly,"_ Zoro snorted.

_"…_ _Note to self: come up with a technique that imitates a meat grinder after we're out of this mess,"_ Sanji grumbled.

_"_ _Ugh. Those two morons aside, what's the strategy here, Cross?"_ Nami asked. _"Waiting him out is suicide, but so is confronting him head-on, and it's going to be next to impossible to pull a sneak attack if the shadows literally have eyes and ears."_

_"_ _Not as hard as you'd think, actually…"_

"Robin?" I queried.

_"_ _I think that Moria has less control over the shadows than we previously assumed,"_ our archaeologist clarified. _"He's consciously controlling the shadows he's immediately aware of, certainly, but when he's not paying attention, I believe his powers are tapping into his subconscious."_

I blinked in confusion. "The hell? What led you to that—?"

I feel like I should have been used to having my question answered before I finished asking it by now. Maybe I was overthinking… but then again, how the hell could I have expected the secret passageway I was in to let out into a crowd of shades?

To be specific, I found myself standing dumbstruck in a lightly bustling crowd of effigies made of shadow, half-people as corporeal as wisps of smoke. An experimental whiff of my hand minimally disrupted one, but it re-coalesced just as swiftly without even a hint of acknowledgment.

I shuddered, pulling back my hand. "I retract the question."

_"_ _Why the hell_ AM I GETTING AN ADDAMS FAMILY REUNION _**VIBE?"**_ Soundbite swallowed nervously.

"Greetings, dearest brother."

_"_ _GAH!"_ Soundbite and I yelped in sync, nearing jumping out of our respective shell and skin as we wheeled around to face… Robin, reclining on an overstuffed armchair, swirling a goblet of champagne!?

"I see you've walked into my parlor," she smirked.

_**"**_ _ **Withdrawn.**_ **TOTALLY WITHDRAWN,"** Soundbite shivered.

I spared a moment to nod in agreement before casting a look at Robin's drink. "Tell me, _creepiest_ sister, do you really think it's _wise_ to be drinking in this situation?"

"Considering how I'm fairly certain I'm down three fingers for the rest of the fight?" she remarked, holding up the hand not holding the goblet and displaying a trio of bandaged and bloodied digits.

I winced sympathetically. "Carry on."

_"…_ _I'm going to get started on that meat grinder technique_ now, _actually,"_ Sanji said, his voice as calm as a fresh, unmarked minefield.

_"_ _Duly noted,"_ Lola grunted in understanding. _"But back to the matter at hand, this helps us how, exactly?"_

"Well, I, uh—Eh?" My stream-of-consciousness brainstorming was strangled in its crib by a sudden shuffling of motion. Turning around, I was treated to the sight of the umbral assembly parting clean down the middle. "What the heck?"

"Well, now," Robin mused, standing from her seat to peer over the crowd. "It would appear that we have a guest of honor."

"Do we, now…?" I wondered. Curious, I tentatively edged my way through the crowd, passing through several shades before finally making it into the cleared path. Indeed, there was a procession marching down the aisle, with one figure in particular surrounded by others.

A… familiar figure…

A familiar figure with an _unmistakable smile!_

I watched, dumbstruck, as the smiling shadow was led past me. "Holy… that's… that's Gold Roger."

"What?!" Robin reeled in surprise.

_**"**_ _ **QUE!?"**_ Soundbite concurred.

_"_ _WHAT!?"_ piped up… preeeetty much everyone else.

_"_ _THE PIRATE KING?! AAAAWESOOOOME!"_ Luffy exclaimed. _"WHERE IS HE? WHERE ARE YOU?! I WANNA MEET HIM, I WANNA MEET HIM!"_

"Ah, no no!" I hastily clarified. "Not the _real_ Roger, just… a copy, an imitation, a fake that the shadows are drawing from Moria's memory."

_"_ _How the actual… wasn't Roger_ before _Moria's time?"_ Franky asked.

"For the most part, yeah…" I nodded slowly. "Moria never _actually_ met Roger, but he _was_ present for his _last_ day alive."

"Interesting…" Robin cupped her chin thoughtfully. "So we're standing in the middle of a shadow theatre that's recreating Moria's memory of Gold Roger's Execution…"

"His powers must have been able to pick it out of his head at random because of how broken his psyche is, and I doubt that this is the only scene like it that's going on at the moment," I added, tacking on a sympathetic wince as a thought occurred to me. "Eesh, with how his brain is right now, I bet if he walked in on one of these displays, he wouldn't be able… to…"

I trailed off as my synapses started to fire on overdrive.

_"_ _Your stunned silence is either very reassuring or an indicator of doom, Cross. Mind doing us all a favor by_ not _leaving us in suspense?"_ Boss demanded.

"Oh, sure, kill my coping mechanism," I scoffed before smirking. "But fine. I just came up with a plan. Just two questions first. Franky, have you refilled yet?"

_"_ _Soundbite led me to the kitchen as soon as we got to the manor, Cross."_

"Just making sure. Other question: does anyone have any objections to preying on a mentally infirm person's trauma?"

The responses ran the gamut from _"No,", "Nah," and "Nope,"_ to _"Fuck this bastard but good."_

I steepled my fingers with a malevolent grin. _"Excellent."_

_BOOM!_

We all glanced up nervously as the room suddenly shook, dust falling from the ceiling.

_"_ _Might want to_ RUSH IT, _CROSS._ ** _Moria's tired enough of_** **looking for things that move THAT NOW HE'S ATTACKING** _ **THINGS THAT DON'T."**_

"Rushing," I confirmed with a wince. "Here's what we'll do…"

**-o-**

Gecko Moria, Warlord of the Sea and currently mad as a hatter, snarled and muttered like a scorned ex-boyfriend, his berserk but widespread awareness amplifying his senses and keeping his search for someone, _anyone_ he could attack. Unfortunately for him, nothing was forthcoming. The only bodies he came across were the purified corpses of his zombie army, which did very little to help his mentality, his already frayed sanity unraveling at a pace that would have terrified most telepaths.

Lashing out at another wall, punching a Doppelman-shaped hole through it like a macabre cartoon, his frustration made itself known in an enraged roar.

**"** **Where the** _**unholy Aesir ARE THOSE PESTS?!"** _

Before his rant could pick up speed, however, a flash of movement in the corner of Moria's bloodshot vision caught his attention. Grinning malevolently and moving with a swiftness his mass didn't do a _thing_ to belie, he spun around, swung up a shade-wreathed arm—!

_"_ _CAPTAIN! HELP!"_

And froze when a voice echoed from somewhere far off. It came to him loud and… well alright, the voice wasn't _that_ clear, but… through the haze of his rage, he thought it sounded familiar.

**"** **Ơ̕̕H̶̴͜ ̷G̵͝O҉́͠D̢̕ ̛̛́͝N̛Ơ̧̧͜͠!̴̛͘͟?** " he called out, slowly and hesitantly turning towards the voice **. "Ơ̕̕H̶̴͜ ̷G̵͝O҉́͠D̢̕ ̛̛́͝N̛Ơ̧̧͜͠!̴̛͘͟, is… i** s that you?"

_"_ _C-CAPTAIN!"_ the voice wailed, becoming clearer and clearer with every word. _"Y-YOU HAVE TO SAVE US CAPTAIN! H-HE'S TOO STRONG! WE'RE BEING—_ AGH!"

"NO!" Moria cried desperately as the unmistakable voice of Ơ̕̕H̶̴͜ ̷G̵͝O҉́͠D̢̕ ̛̛́͝N̛Ơ̧̧͜͠!̴̛͘͟, his navigator, cried out in agony. "Nonono, this can't be happening… hang on, Ơ̕̕H̶̴͜ ̷G̵͝O҉́͠D̢̕ ̛̛́͝N̛Ơ̧̧͜͠!̴̛͘͟! I'm on my way!"

All thoughts of infamous rookies/monsters/beasts and purified zombies/army/comrades fled his mind as he rushed down the halls of the manor, his subconscious plunging him into the nightmare he had never awakened from… and yet, his eyes refused to close, even as they piped reminders of that tragedy straight to his brain. There on one side as he ran… a group of tatters that bore his cook ̨͝H̷̵͏҉E̵̢̧͢L̷̀̀͏̶Ṕ̵̷̧͢ ̴̷́͡M̸̷̵̢͡É̶̶!͢͡'s symbol. Over there, the shattered remains of a familiar helmet and stave, which ̶̧́H҉͏E̕͡҉̢͢'̛͘͜͝͞S̷̨̡͘͏ ̷́͢͝K̶̴̵̡͠I̴̢͠͞Ļ̷̷̷ĻI̢͜͡͝͡N̵̢Ģ̶ ̴̧͞Ù͢͏҉S̢̧!͘͏̀̕͡ would never have parted with unless he wa—-! And those swords… those giant swords, shattered and strewn about like trash, they could only belong to ͟M̷̨̛̕o̸̡͜͠m̴̛͟͝m̨̛̕ỳ̷̕̕.̡̡…̀m͢҉ờ̵̧́ḿ̕͡͡͝m̡͢͡͞y͏̨̡̕͜.̴̴̴̛…, one of his strongest fighters. But if all these precious items were here, then… _then…_

"No… my precious crew… my precious crew…" Moria breathed, tears of rage and agony trickling from his eyes, even as he moved even faster towards the one he knew/hoped/prayed was yet alive.

Time lost all meaning as he ran for what felt like hours/days/years, and the world blurred into a dull obscurity around him. The terrified captain sucked in massive gulps of air as panic sank its claws into his heart, the frigid air stabbing into his lungs like a knife. It was cold, so cold, he could barely feel anything at all… save for the blood.

Moria choked out a horrified gasp as he waded forwards, the putrid liquid sticking to his feet. Blood, blood everywhere, a lake, an ocean, extending as far as he could see. There was no horizon, for the crimson of the setting sun melded perfectly with the soiled earth. The only thing interrupting the liquid death/life/death, proving that there was _actually_ ground beneath it… were the _physical_ remains. Piles of bodies, dozens of them, each higher than the last and each mangled worse than the one before. Crushed, ripped apart, decapitated, _slaughtered…_ the only thing that couldn't be found in this hellscape was the merest sliver of mercy.

_"_ _Cap…tain…"_

But in spite of all the death, there was still _one_ fragment of life remaining. A single mangled hand, belonging to a single mangled body, shakily reaching out to grasp at something, _anything._

"No!" Moria gasped, falling to his knees and grabbing the survivor's hand. That voice, their face… he could barely believe the state his first mate was in. "No, nonono… C̛̛̛̀͡a̸͠p͞.͞.҉̛́.̵͘t̛͘͠͝à̷̛̛ì̴̡n̕͢͢.̶͟…͜w͏h̸̨́y҉̧.͏̴͘҉.̢̕͝.̸̸̡̕?̶̀͞͞͠, C̛̛̛̀͡a̸͠p͞.͞.҉̛́.̵͘t̛͘͠͝à̷̛̛ì̴̡n̕͢͢.̶͟…͜w͏h̸̨́y҉̧.͏̴͘҉.̢̕͝.̸̸̡̕?̶̀͞͞͠, stay with me! Y-You can't—! E-Everyone else is… y-y-you can't—!"

_"_ _Cap… tain…"_ C̛̛̛̀͡a̸͠p͞.͞.҉̛́.̵͘t̛͘͠͝à̷̛̛ì̴̡n̕͢͢.̶͟…͜w͏h̸̨́y҉̧.͏̴͘҉.̢̕͝.̸̸̡̕?̶̀͞͞͠ panted, blank eyes staring past Moria. _"You… have… to run… he's… coming…"_

"Who?!" Moria demanded desperately, shaking his first mate as much as he dared. "Who's coming? Who did this to you? W-Who did this to my crew!?"

_**"** _ _**ME."** _

Moria froze as the world suddenly fell dark. But not because of the sun completing its descent. Rather, darkness fell because everything was shrouded in the deepest, most tar-like shadow Moria had ever seen.

Slowly, so slowly, the pirate turned his shaking head skyward… and beheld a mountain, a devil, _THE_ Devil, silhouetted against the crimson expanses of heaven.

In the face of such might, what else could Moria do but shiver and tremble in terror, gasping for air. "Ah… a-ah…"

_**"**_ _ **HM?"**_ the Devil's head shifted slightly, as though it had only just now taken notice of him. _ **"OH, A LITTLE BUG CRAWLING IN THE MUD."**_ The devil shifted, and Moria's world was engulfed by a hand. _**"BETTER CRUSH IT."**_

That was all Moria's shattered mind could handle. With a shriek of terror, the shell of a pirate turned and made to run as fast as he could, scrambling on the slick ground—!

"NOW!" _BANG!_

_"_ _GAH!"_ Said shell then howled and threw his hands up in agony when the world suddenly exploded into pure _light and heat and PAIN!_

**-o-**

Time on target, a concept Conis had told us about once while maintaining her arsenal. Basically, it was firing a barrage of ranged attacks of different types in such a way that they all hit at once. From what she'd described, it was something that usually took a lot of practice.

As it turns out, blind desperation worked in a pinch, as evidenced by the _slew_ of attacks that pierced the air at once. To summarize, the horde consisted of…

"LIGHTNING BOLT TEMPO!"

A tangle of crackling electrical tendrils;

"BURN BAZOOKA!"

A pillar of hyper-heated and iridescent air;

**"** **GASTRO** -CANI _COMBO:_ _BASS_ ** _MORTAR!"_**

A second pillar of hyper-heated air, only this one was surrounded by a shimmer of dangerously vibrating air.

"108-CALIBER PHOENIX!"

A wave of razor-keen air.

"ULTRA SPECIAL ATTACK: FLOCKING FIREBIRD STAR!"

And finally, a half-dozen blazing bird-shaped infernos.

That half the attacks were fire-based helped, too. In any case, every one of them struck Moria clean in the middle of his face, eliciting a howl of pain and rage liberally tinged with fear and, more importantly, sending the Warlord staggering back, and resulting in his teetering on the very edge of Freezer 900's cavernous interior.

Unfortunately, Moria chose then to show just why he'd been selected to be a Warlord by exhibiting enough wherewithal to hold his balance when he hit the freezer's railing, in spite of the clear agony written on his features. Still, that was something that could _easily_ be rectified.

"Robin!" I ordered hastily.

_"_ _Cien Fleur!"_ Robin exclaimed, crossing her arms.

Arms sprouted like ivy all around Moria, grabbing at the pale bastard's body and doing their best to either push or pull him off the edge of the abyss. Unfortunately, the instant the hands made contact with Moria, everything _once again_ went to pot.

_**"**_ _ **RAAAAAAAAGH!"**_ Namely, he appeared to snap for a _second_ time if that was possible, throwing his head back and howling to the heavens as the shadows _exploded_ in a torrent of jet-black madness.

_"_ _DODGE!"_ Soundbite warned me.

"Sonnuva—!" I only _just_ managed to duck under a pillar of shadow that came _way_ too close to knocking my block off for comfort—!

"GAH!" "AGH!" _"GRGH!"_

But apparently, they came even _closer_ for several others.

I spun around in panic, watching with naked horror as several of our crewmates and allies were batted around like rodents; Usopp was slammed into the ceiling and spit up a mouthful of blood, Conis was laid out flat by a knock to her temple that had Su frantically shaking her shoulder, and the Rolling Pirates that were still with us were bowled over by a stampede of shade.

But the worst part was catching sight of what looked for all the world like a many-fingered _claw_ lancing at a Brain-Point Chopper, whose mind had stalled in panic.

"Shell Body: Hermit Sta— _GAH!"_

And then, just like that, Boss was standing before Chopper, his arms spread wide defensively… and the spears punching through his shell.

"T-To protect your comrades…" the dugong coughed out, blood spurting around his gritted teeth. "Even at the cost of your own body… that… is the greatest… of all… Man's… _Gugh…_ " That was as far as Boss got before collapsing as the spears retracted from his shell and removed any support his limp body had left.

I could only stare at the display in numb shock, trying and failing to work out what I should react to first—!

_"_ _Look out!"_

"Gah!" I grunted in shock when I was suddenly shoved from behind. I turned around to see what the deal was, and my blood froze.

Robin coughed in pain as she swayed on her feet, trying to stem the flow of blood that was flowing around the spike of shadow that had rammed through her side. She grimaced briefly before giving me a shaky grin. "Look on… the bright side… now we… match…" That was all she managed to get out before collapsing against the corridor's wall.

My next course of action became as clear as my vision was _**RED.**_

_"_ _PACHY-CHARGE!"_ I roared at the top of my lungs as I ripped Funkfreed from his scabbard and stabbed him at the rampaging Warlord, intent on treating him to a faceful of stampeding ivory and steel.

And going by the simultaneous roars that erupted from behind me?

"GUM-GUM JET BAZOOKA!"

"FLAMBÉ SHOT!"

"CLOVEN ROSEO METEL!"

_"_ _SUPER!_ STRONG RIGHT!"

"AUBADE COUP DROIT!"

I was _so_ not the only one pissed off at that. Specifically, Luffy, Sanji, Franky, Brook, and Chopper all rammed their respective limbs into Moria's gut at the same time that Funkfreed gored him.

Time seemed to freeze for a moment as the Warlord was bombarded by our attacks, his face a mask of agony and outrage. And then time resumed and the pale bastard was sent flying as he so justly deserved. He shot out over the edge of the freezer's pit and even went so far as to slam into and stick to Oars' horn for a second before peeling off and plummeting into the darkness of the abyss that lay below us.

I panted heavily as I stood on the edge of the freezer, combing the pit for any signs of life or movement before heaving a sigh of relief as all remained quiet. "If that didn't kill that bastard, then at least it bought us some breathing room."

"He had better still be alive; he's done too much to get off that easily, _"_ Zoro snarled, shades of Asura flickering around him as he nursed a quilt of slashes layered across his body. "Not even Aokiji did this much damage to our crew."

"Only because he wasn't really trying to kill us," Chopper bit out as he knelt beside Robin, hastily working to patch her up. "The one advantage of fighting somebody fit for a mental ward: they don't actually _aim_ when they fire. If he did, I wouldn't have to put in half as much effort as I am now."

Robin gave her current caretaker a bemused (if dizzy from blood loss) look. "Feeling a bit jaded, I take it?"

"Put it this way: I'm starting to see why Doctorine's tolerance for alcohol is so high," Chopper grumbled acridly as he stitched her up. "And _you_ shouldn't be awake for this, _so—"_ Without further ado, the Human Zoan jabbed a needle in her neck. It was a credit to how far his aptitude with chemicals had progressed that Robin blacked out with barely even a press of the plunger.

"Ergh, well at least she's getting taken care of, and everyone else doesn't look to be in too critical a condition, so…" Lola grit out as she nursed a particularly nasty-looking bruise to her face. "While we have a moment of peace, would you mind explaining _what the hell that freak show was while we were luring that bastard here!_?"

I shuddered in agreement, inching away from the shadows nearest me. The Captain of the Rolling Pirates definitely had a point there; if ever there had been a case of a plan working _too_ well, then that was it by far!

See, the plan itself had been simple enough: Soundbite called out to Moria with a voice that was incredibly generic, thus allowing Moria to mistake it for that of one of his old crewmates, Moria follows the voice into Oars's freezer while getting enmeshed in his shadow theatre and regressing to the loss of his crew, and finally, upon catching sight of Oars and flipping out, we beat the tar out of him. Easy, right?

Yeah, turns out we got leagues more than we bargained for where the shadow aspect of our plan was concerned. To be specific, we sure as hell didn't expect Moria's sick, twisted mind to vomit out a scene yanked straight from Resident Evil! I _still_ swear that there was texture to that ocean of… I don't even wanna _imagine_ what he thought he was wading through.

"Got me beat," I said, shaking my head. "I know that Kaido wiped his crew out, sure, but even for an Emperor I don't see how he could have _possibly_ created a scene straight out of hell like that!"

"Unless I miss my guess, I imagine that that scene never _actually_ occurred in reality."

We all looked at Brook in surprise as he observed Oars' corpse with an even more inscrutable expression than usual.

"W-Wait, you mean that Moria just _imagined_ that whole thing?" Nami asked in disbelief. "But wasn't he supposed to be remembering the day his crew died?"

"And that's exactly what he did," Brook nodded morosely. "He reproduced not how that scene actually occurred, but the memory he is in possession of today. A memory that has been corrupted with his every recollection of the event, degrading over time until it is little more than a fleeting nightmare he dares not consider for even a moment. I'm quite familiar with the phenomenon…" He bowed his head sadly. "The final battle I fought with my crew suffered a very similar fate."

We all shared a moment of silence as we considered the implications of _that_ particular statement before Luffy raised a questioning hand. "Sooo… if you know that, do you know what that creepy stuff he was saying was too?"

We all held our breaths as Brook raised his head. "I," he stated with great import and portentousness. "Have no earthly idea."

My head and most everyone else's heads bounced slightly as they jerked downwards. "Oooof course not," I sighed.

"Yeah, well… whatever it was, I can definitely say that it was creepy as all hell." Nami's Eisen Tempo hugged her as she shuddered. "I could barely even tell what he was saying, his voice was so garbled."

_"_ _Except… that wasn't_ HIS **voice…"**

I glanced at Soundbite in surprise, both at the fact that he'd spoken up after staying quiet for so long and on account of how his expression was ungodly wan. "You know what that was?"

Soundbite swayed his eyes noncommittally. "I CAN GUESS… _**like I said, the shadows WEREN'T SPEAKING IN HIS VOICE.**_ **And going by their words…"** Soundbite grimaced, his face descending into the utmost of ashenness he was capable of. " _I-I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO CALL OUT HIS CREWMATES' NAMES…_ _but instead, all he could say were… were…"_

Chopper's eyes widened as he made the connection. "All he could identify his old crew by…" he whispered in horror. "Was… their final words…"

Zoro snorted and shook his head. "He's barely even a person anymore. He's just a husk, every bit of substance he had utterly consumed by that one day." I did my best to ignore the tone of familiarity his voice held.

"Yeah, well, he's a husk that could still _kill us_ if that didn't take him out," I quite reasonably pointed out. "Anyone want to place any bets on that?"

Silence for a few seconds, then Nami spoke up. "If someone placed that bet, I'd actually feel sorry for taking their money." Another pause as everyone, myself included, stared at her in shock. She shuffled back and forth on her feet, looking sheepish. "I mean, I'd still take the money, and I'd only feel sorry for maybe ten seconds…"

Ah, that was the Nami I knew.

"Point is, we need a plan for if—or knowing our luck and how hard-headed most all Warlords are, _when_ —he climbs out of that pit," I continued, indicating said gaping void. "Now, I don't have any ideas off the top of my head, but with a little brainstorming, I'm sure that—!"

"Uh, Cross?" I heard Luffy's voice echo from _towards the pit what._ I snapped around to catch sight of my captain crouching on the railing and peering into the chasm, his head tilted to the side curiously. "Was the dark down there always so… uh, y'know, _dark_?"

With no small amount of trepidation, I inched over next to Luffy, leaned over the railing… aaand promptly choked on my spit as I found myself staring into the kind of absolute abyss that _loves_ to stare back.

"Ahhh, _sonnuva_ —!"

_**"** _ _**HVERGELMIR!"** _

And just like that, before any of us could so much as _twitch_ , the abyss broke the staring contest by, for all means and purposes, _puking itself in our faces._ In the space of a second, we were all devoured by the unholy bastard spawn of a riptide and a tidal wave, composed _entirely_ of shadows.

It was hectic, absolutely out of control, nauseating even in spite of the fact that my stomach was bone dry… Basically? Soundbite had been right about one thing, way back when: spin cycle _sucks_.

After what felt like both an instant and an eternity, our unwelcome ride concluded with all of us—if the chorus of groans and cries of surprise around me being anything to go by—being unceremoniously dumped on our asses… somewhere. I _would_ have looked around and confirmed where we were, but I had _one_ pressing bit of business to handle first.

_"_ _BLARGHRL!_ Urk… _"_ I wiped my mouth off with a bone-deep shudder. "I officially _hate_ this island…"

"Get in line…" Brook gurgled as he worked his way into a sitting position, his calcium cheekbones somehow managing to look green. The fact that Chopper jostled him in his rush to get to our downed comrades didn't do him any favors either.

"Ugh…" Nami shook her head miserably as she recovered from her own gastrointestinal distress before warily glancing around. "Where… are we?"

"Erm…" Lola swung her head around and blinked in surprise. "It looks like… we're back outside? In the courtyard, even? What the…?"

I quickly surveyed our environs myself and realized that she was right: we'd landed in the very same enclosure that the crew had fought Oars in in the story. The place hadn't been ripped a new one by a rampaging titan, but it was hard to mistake the place, what with Perona's Garden hanging above us and the mast that propelled this maritime hellhole looming so close.

"Whoa…" Franky breathed, craning his head back as he tried and failed to spy the top of the mast. Then his face contorted into a scowl. "He went to _this much effort,_ and still neglected it after it was done…"

"Of course he didn't care for it," I tsked darkly. "After all, what 'king' pays a second thought to their carriage when they think their throne lies right around the bend?"

The cyborg clenched his jaw, metal creaking. "When I get my hands on that bastard's slimy neck, I _swear_ I'm going to—!"

"Shut up, Franky," Zoro ordered, not even looking at him.

"You son of a—!" Franky jerked towards the swordsman.

"He means shut up and _listen,_ Franky," Sanji interrupted him, glaring intensely into the air.

We all hushed up, trying to listen for whatever it was they were talking about. It took some straining, but we found it. And I almost wished we didn't; the chorus of whispers that was echoing from the shadows was so much ice in our veins.

"Oh, now that's just _disturbing,"_ Nami muttered, shuddering as if the temperature had dropped twenty degrees.

"W-What's it saying?" Chopper swallowed heavily.

"Er…" I strained my ears, slowly starting to make it out. "I… think it's just one word, over and over again. Sounds like… 'Draugr'?" It took all of two seconds for that to sink in, following which I stiffened and exchanged a panicked look with Soundbite. _"Ohshit."_

"Draugr… I think I recognize that," Brook tapped his jaw thoughtfully. "Isn't that a creature out of Norse mythology? The 'again walk—' _…ah._ " Aaand that was when the beri dropped like a supersonic meteor.

Though the sound of groaning and pounding feet that suddenly rose up was also a source of concern.

"Uhh… guuuuys?" Luffy asked slowly, a rare hint of uncertainty in his voice.

Soundbite shuddered with a grimace. " _Well, we're officially a_ ** _few hundred steps closer to burnout,_** **AT THE COST OF A FEW HUNDRED MORE THINGS FOR US TO FIGHT!"**

"But _how!?"_ Brook demanded, strangling his sword's hilt. "We couldn't have missed that many!"

_"_ _That's because they're NOT ZOMBIES,_ ** _THEY'RE DRAUGR!"_** my snail clarified. "REMEMBER WHEN I SAID _**his range skyrocketed?**_ _RATHER THAN INFUSING THEM_ **WITH LIVE SOULS, he's just shoved them full of inert shadows** _ **AND IS USING THEM TO PLAY**_ _ **PUPPETMASTER.**_ **TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY…** _ **they're literal meat-puppets."**_

And as the horde of undead came into view, I could see the difference. It was subtle, all things considered. Like a sledgehammer to the face, which was particularly pertinent in that most of these rotting bastards _looked_ like they'd suffered just that.

See, where before the zombies had at least been acting like relatively normal if malformed humans, now they were far more similar to the classical Romero zombie. Their movements were stiff, jerky… the perfect picture of shambling corpses.

But what really sold it was their faces. The zombies, they were undead, sure, but at least they'd had souls; stolen souls, imperfect substitutes for life, but they had emotional range, to an extent. But the creatures that were swarming towards us now, these, these _draugr_ … empty, hollow rage and nothing more. If ever there was an example of unlife upon this island, we were staring them down right this moment.

"So, feeding them salt won't do any good anymore?" Sanji growled.

_"_ _Probably not, there's no tenuous bond to snap._ BUT WORTH A TRY _**anyway, before we resort to PLAN B… OR A, SEEING AS THIS IS US WE'RE TALKING ABOUT."**_

"No sooner said than done," Brook stated, running towards the draugr and slashing faster than I could see. Some of the corpses turned and tried to grasp after him as he weaved through their ranks, but they didn't even come close to the skeleton's speed. A few seconds later, arms, legs, and heads severed off of a good chunk of the mob, but they hardly even slowed down. And more to the point, they were right on top of us.

_**"**_ _ **GO-TO**_ **TACTICS** _ **it is!**_ _Cross,_ PUT ME ON _FUNKFREED!"_

I nodded, picking the snail off my shoulder and planting him on the elephant-blade's crossguard. He took a second to properly anchor himself to the flat of the blade, and then screwed his eyes up in concentration.

"GET READY, 'CAUSE _**this is gonna tickle!**_ **GASTRO-PACHY COMBO!"**

I was forced to strengthen my grip on Funkfreed's hilt when his blade suddenly started to vibrate, the sharp metal becoming fuzzy to the eye.

_**"** _ _**TREBLE BLADE!"** _

Even in the face of the oncoming horde, I couldn't help but grin like a _maniac_ at the fact that I was currently holding a frikin _vibroblade_ in my hands. I… think at that point something just _clicked_ in my head because my grin widened malevolently as my adrenaline shot through the _roof._ "Alright, you undead rotting mooks," I hissed, slowly raising my left hand over my shoulder. "I know you can't understand me anymore and I don't care. Because I'm gonna say what needs to be said, no matter what."

I grabbed Lassoo's grip and wrenched him into position, spreading my arms and weapons wide in invitation, accompanied by an absolutely _mad_ cackle. "PREPARE TO DIE _THRICE_ , YOU ZOMBIE _BASTARDS! PFHAHAHAHAAAAA!"_

Lassoo punctuated that point with a salvo of baseballs that exploded in the mass of zombies, blowing massive holes in their ranks. And then the wave of zombies hit us. The front line promptly melted away like snow in a spring rain, only to be followed by another line. And then another. And another.

In most ways, it was Alubarna or the Bridge of Hesitation all over again: a frantic defense not only against an enemy that outnumbered us but also against our own exhaustion and injuries, thankfully mitigated by the fact that we were individually superior to all of said opponents. In that last respect, I was actually better off than before; between Lassoo blasting chunks out of the horde as they approached and Soundbite and Funkfreed's combination practically _disintegrating_ any zombies it hit, my partners and I were probably accounting for the most draugr of any of us.

Unfortunately, the one way it was different from those fights was rather important: namely, the draugr just didn't. Stop. Coming. Seriously, these guys were persistent past even the regular zombies, because _those_ didn't have their limbs or severed torsos try to keep crawling after us. They also didn't break, and probably would _never_ break. Even the age-old method of decapitation didn't help. That just left a headless body shambling towards us and a head snapping its jaws on the ground that we had to avoid.

Surprisingly enough, Nami actually seemed to be having the easiest time out of all of us, for all that one could have an easy time in the midst of a zombie horde. She was still hard-pressed to pay attention to where all the undead were striking from, of course, but her Eisen Tempo was doing a frighteningly admirable job of keeping them all at bay. If ever there was any doubt that Nami made a habit of holding back the full extent of her Clima-Tact's power, the charred and blackened corpses her lightning left in its wake did a good job of laying that doubt to rest.

But even Nami's style of attack, effective though it was, meant she had to fight three battles we all had to fight: against the walking dead, against our exhaustion and pain, and against the severed limbs and heads that littered the ground like so many _land mines._ And lemme tell ya, having to watch your every step was _exhausting._ The only solution seemed to be to destroy the bodies entirely, and actually _destroying_ a human body is _miles_ harder than it has any right to be!

…That would sound _so wrong_ out of context.

Anyway, the result of it all was that we very quickly had to start giving ground, lest the zombie horde trip us up and then overrun us. We had no margin: lose one fighter, and our entire defense crumbled. Whiiiich would mean all of our wounded were dead meat. So yeah, _noooo_ pressure.

"SERIOUSLY?" Lola yelled as a freshly decapitated draugr kept walking towards her, hastily kicking it in the chest in order to give herself some breathing room, which was just as swiftly filled by a de-limbed draugr from behind. "We're chopping these things to pieces and they're not stopping!"

"I say we go back to anti-zombie plan number one," Franky growled, bashing away one corpse before rearing back his head—

"Fresh… FIRE!"

And spewing flames at the disassembled corpses. They kept moving, of course, but unlike with the shadow-zombies it was clear that the flames were doing their job. The wrecked bodies fell apart even faster under the flames. And yes, they _were_ falling apart, whole chunks of flesh falling off at a time before we even touched them, I could see it now that my blood had cooled enough for my vision to clear.

"I think he's right," I said, glancing at the cannon balanced on my shoulder as I shifted him forwards. "Lassoo, Plaster-Palm Combo!"

My cannon chuffed in agreement before vomiting forth a spray of viscous tar that coated the fore portion of the horde, which he then followed up with a lick of flame that lit up the fuel. The entire front line of zombies lit afire and began to crumble away, and the zombies stepping over them _also_ befell the same fate.

I paused in surprise as I watched the conflagration spread with an almost disturbing efficiency. "Huh. Fire's working a lot better than it did before," I remarked as I dove back into the fray, Funkfreed quite literally shaking entire sections of the horde to pieces while Lassoo's bulk doubled as both a hefty shield and a brutal club.

_"_ _I actually have a theory on that,"_ Chopper cut in via Soundbite. _"I can't confirm without seeing things, but Moria's almost certainly pushing the corpses too hard. Without the pseudo-soul of a stolen shadow, all of these corpses are just that: corpses long past any prime they might have had. And now that they're dead again, rigor mortis is setting in and they're becoming stiff. Basically, by puppeting the bodies like this, Moria is_ literally _making his army fight itself to pieces!"_

"Well, that's… great…" Zoro grunted as he quartered another shambling husk. "Still… way too many… of these… things…!"

"You know we're in deep shit," Nami grunted as she wrenched her staff back and forth in an effort to dislodge it from the ribcage she'd accidentally rammed it through. "When our _battle-hungry_ first mate is complaining about the fight."

"Don't you dare keel over yet, Mosshead," Sanji growled. After me and Nami, he was probably doing the best of us all, treating the zombies like so many soccer balls. Though the fact that he had been using Diable Jambe from the start might have had something to do with it, too. "We fall, the girls die horrible, messy deaths."

"And why should I," Zoro snorted aggressively as he tore through another throng of draugr. "Care if _your_ prissy ass gets torn apart?"

"'Cause then they'll get the rest of the crew, too!" Luffy provided with the utmost gravity he was capable of.

"… _damn it,"_ our swordsman snarled as he redoubled his aggressive efforts.

Almost immediately, however, a diving draugr nearly bowled him over before being kicked off, and everyone shut up in favor of dodging or knocking out of the air the many draugr that had decided _dive-bombing us_ was a great idea. And the worst part of it was that it actually _was_ a great idea, splitting our attention even _more_ ways.

As I descended back into the unconscious flow of the fight, I was considering what the hell Moria was thinking. Swamping us in numbers would work, yes, what with all the corpses he had available, but it would be a slow process. Even the dive-bombing draugr were unlikely to speed up the process, too. With how utterly deranged Moria was now, I seriously doubted he had the patience for that. No, this was a distraction while he got something _big_ pulled together, and I was really not looking forward to that.

On the other hand, maybe the draugr horde would take us out fast after all, judging from the groans coming from _behind us oh son of a—!_

"Fuck! We've—"

"Been flanked, we know!" Lola bit out as she cast a venomous glance over her shoulder. "If we turn away, these… draugr will overwhelm us!"

"They're _going_ to overwhelm us anyway if we don't deal with the flankers!" I snapped. "Lassoo, can you—?"

_"_ _Belay that, Cross!"_

I gave a shaky grin as a Heavy Pointed Chopper waded into the thankfully thin line of draugr behind us, sending bodies flying with every sweep of his arms. With that immediate concern taken care of, I could share the thought I'd had earlier.

"Heads up, everyone!" I called out. "I think Moria's planning something big, and this is just a distraction!"

_"_ _Warn us again when you've got some kind of_ IDEA _what we need to watch out for!"_

I winced as Chopper snapped at me; this situation must have really been getting to him.

"He has a point, though; there's not much to plan on if you just say 'something… big…'" Lassoo's voice took on a whimper as he seemed to realize something. "Unless by 'big' you mean 'titan'."

The meaning sunk in fast for me, and I wasn't the only one. Every eye darted towards the manor to find… nothing. Any relief we felt was short-lived, mostly because the draugr took advantage of our distractedness to push a full-court press that sent us scrambling back, but also because of a thought that followed shortly on the heels of the first.

"So… we got a plan… for when that thing… _does_ come out…?" Sanji huffed and puffed.

"No, but—"

Suddenly, Funkfreed went through air instead of necrotized flesh, and yes, that did feel different, vibroblade or not. I barely had time to process that the draugr had just _stopped_ when—

_KRASH-BOOM!_

…Okay. Oars had been scary enough when he was just an immobile mountain of meat locked in a freezer. Him bursting out of Thriller Bark's manor like some demented parody of the Kool-Aid Man? Utterly terrifying. And that was _before_ I got a good look at the changes to his appearance.

For starters, there was no _life_ in his eyes or his movements. His eyes were black holes in his skull, his jaw hung limply from its sockets, and his body was both stiff and fluid in unnatural ways, as though he had bones in all the wrong places. By contrast, the roiling mass of _black_ in his belly snaking up and around and all over, leaving no doubt that Moria was still in the damn driver's seat, was barely a footnote.

And then his gaze fell on us, and it all coalesced into one horrific whole, for as much as he lacked _life_ , this _thing_ that had once been Oars' corpse still had all the hallmarks of _intelligence._ Like, y'know, scanning his surroundings and picking a target. Namely _us_.

**"** **JO…TUN…"** the behemoth rumbled, slowly but _definitely_ starting to trudge its way towards us.

"Mister Cross," Brook said in a voice that would have been calm if not for how he was shaking in his boots. "I believe this is the part where you either come up with an outstanding plan to deal with this monster or you lose a large measure of your credibility as a tactician."

"I get it, I get it, I'm working on it," I responded, wiping away the sweat from my brow as I ran through the situation.

One second to review: Oars, titanic giant—whoops, I mean _gigantic titan—_ standing there and being puppeted by Moria. Capable of flattening us effortlessly if we gave him an inch, but going by his current state, undoubtedly hindered by the apparent frailty of draugr in general and the spinal damage we'd inflicted… and the ice too, if the way tracts of his skin were cracking were anything to go by. So, he wouldn't last long. Our goal wasn't to beat him to pieces, it was to accelerate how soon _Moria_ caused the corpse to tear itself apart.

Another second as Oars wound up a fist: in the story, it took a whole-crew combination attack to just get him down… including that 'Pirate Emperor' thing, good thing I'd butterflied _that_ abomination away—FOCUS! How did they get one up on him?

Yet another second as it came flying, even as I started to run like hell: they brought him down, beat his face in (to little effect), failed attempt at the Pirate Emperor, then the thing with Luffy's weakness to meat, and after that— _eureka moment._

Fourth second as I took a flying leap, bracing myself and flinching as the shockwave from the literal megaton punch smacked me in the gut, mentally running through the eight fighters we had and their capabilities, and confirming one: "Chopper, are you good to use a Rumble Ball?"

_"_ _Wha—maybe? I took one in the freezer; I can take one more without going berserk, but I won't be able to control what form I change to!"_

And that was five seconds as I landed and rolled into a ready position. "That'll do, just cycle through them as fast as you can. Here's the plan, everyone: Gum-Gum, Waver, Sky Walk, Jumping Point, and Bone Skinny, it doesn't matter how you do it, just get up on that thing's body, make sure it knows where you are and _keep moving_. It's literally all brawn and no brains, so it won't hesitate to bash itself to pieces with its full power! And everyone else—" I took aim with Lassoo. "Go for its feet!"

"RIGHT!" everyone shouted as they sprung into action.

"CANI-CANNON BARRAGE!" I pulled the trigger, and explosive baseballs bracketed one of the feet, tearing off flesh in chunks, while Zoro, Franky, and Lola went to town on the other limb.

Meanwhile, our more acrobatic combatants started shooting around the undead titan like demented fleas: Chopper and Brook leaped into the air, landing gracefully on the Jotun's arm and darting for the torso. Luffy grabbed the other arm and rocketed up, reaching out at the apex of his arc to grab one of the horns. Sanji kicked off the air itself, positioning himself opposite Luffy, and Nami rode her Waver up its legs.

And then, all at once, they lashed out. Two feet, one at the end of a stretched leg and the other blazing, slammed into opposite temples. Hoof and blade carved into the chest, leaving deep trenches behind. And I could _hear_ the lightning crawling up its back.

The giant, of course, reacted immediately, but poorly, by trying to simultaneously slap its chest, stomp one foot, and scratch its back at the same time. The massive overextension of muscles and the strain on the already-stressed tendons must have been massive, but the boom of the open palm hitting the chest and the resultant air-pressure was… _less_ than encouraging.

But never mind that! Oars was shifting its foot! Opportunity!

"CANI-SLICK!"

Black oil sprayed out of Lassoo's muzzle, coating the ground beneath the Jotun's colossal foot, and I could only pray that the ground team got my idea.

"STRONG HAMMER!"

I shouldn't have worried. Franky immediately slammed his fist into the back of the Jotun's ankle. There was an almighty snap as something important broke, and more importantly, the foot slid forward on the slick, losing any remaining grip it had.

Five figures darted off the body as it suddenly described a 180-degree turn, flailing limbs demolishing more of the manor as it crashed onto the back of its neck - right on the spot where we'd powderized a few vertebra.

We weren't done, of course. High above the body, a foot fit for a giant ballooned into existence before rising even higher into the air. For a brief moment, it hung there, and then it came crashing down, slamming into the titan's chest to a chorus of snapping bone.

Still, the titan attempted to rise, only for a black and red meteor to streak out of the sky and slam into the Jotun's forehead in a burst of flame. Bone shattered, shortly drowned out by the colossal skull impacting the packed earth below.

And _still,_ the damn thing was trying to get up! Despite the massive footprint in its chest, despite one leg not working at all, despite everything above its shoulders looking like it was made of so much jelly, it attempted to lift itself on its arms. And yet, it was clear to everyone that it wasn't going to last much longer. Just needed one… last… damn… _push!_

_"_ _HEY, MORIA!"_ Soundbite roared, his jaw set in a murderous scowl. _**"HOW'S THIS FOR**_ **A LITTLE DITTY!** _ **GASTRO-NATION!"**_

Without warning, the air was suddenly filled with the most skull-churning, gut-shredding grindcore I'd ever heard. On its own it was pretty bad.

_**"** _ _**AAAAAAAAARGH!"** _

But going by how the shadows around us suddenly _screamed_ and Oars' corpse started to writhe like it was undergoing an exorcism? I think there was more going on than what I was hearing.

"Gastro-Nation?" I asked quietly, warily eyeing Soundbite as he ground his teeth, a look of intense concentration on his face.

_"_ _For 'domination',"_ he grit out. _"It's a_ ** _triple-threat assault._** FIRST LAYER IS TO MUTE THE AREA. _YOU THINK WHAT YOU'RE HEARING IS LOUD?_ **IT'S UP TO ELEVEN IN THERE. Second is that there's some Phony mixed in to stir the guts.** _ **But third? Ohohoh..."**_ He shook his head slowly as a distinctly vindictive tone entered his voice. _**"THIRD IS WHEN I MAKE HIS BRAIN AND SKULL VIBRATE**_ **JUST** _ **SO.**_ _In the simplest of terms,_ ** _it feels like his gray matter is grinding itself to paste_** **from the inside out."** Soundbite's grin grew absolutely _satanic_. _"NEAT, RIGHT?"_

"That's _one_ word for it…" I muttered under my breath. I was silent for a bit before giving him an accusatory glance. "…you're gonna be blowing chunks because of this, aren't you?"

_"_ _Somebody get me a bucket…"_ he moaned queasily, letting his eyestalks hang. And despite quickly perking up, he still looked rather green. "OR COTTONTAIL'S TAIL."

"Somebody help me, I'm actually _considering it,"_ Su said offhandedly with no small amount of deserved awe as she watched Oars' corpse _literally_ shake itself to pieces in its agonized convulsions. Massive chunks of flesh were sloughing off and shattering into chunks, though thankfully the flailing arms weren't producing _oh for the love of—!_

"DUCK!" I yelped as one of Oars' fingers soared towards us. Following my own advice, I threw myself to the ground, feeling a cold wind of a _stupidly_ close miss brush my everything, followed by a loud crash. "Victory has never sucked so hard," I groused.

"Stupid giant… why couldn't Moria have used a sea king or something else that would be tasty?" Luffy grumbled as he got out from under the finger he's been slammed with.

"Wow, that nearly took your head off," Su blandly remarked.

_"_ _Get your_ **LAST LICKS in,** _COTTONTAIL,"_ Soundbite moaned. _**"'Cause I'm about to go MUTE.**_ HURP!"

I repositioned my partner so that he was free to hock his lunch anywhere but on me as I watched the end of the body that had once been Oars the Titan. And what an end it was: simply put, the corpse gave up the ghost by just… _literally_ falling apart at the seams. Every joint, every _single_ one came undone, and just as soon as it had started thrashing, the being fell still. There was simply nothing _left_ that it could possibly move. It… wasn't even a _corpse,_ really. Just a pile of rotting, freezer-burned _meat_.

"I-Is it over?"

Hey, I knew that quavering voice! I turned around to find Usopp, leaning heavily on a tree branch, walking towards us. "Hey, you sure you're healthy enough to be walking around?"

_"_ _He's fine!"_ Chopper called out. _"He wasn't hit as badly as everyone else, and if he didn't think he could handle it he wouldn't be doing it. That's just who he is."_

I thought over that and then shrugged. If our doctor said so…

"Well, then, to answer your question, probably," I explained, indicating the mountain of flesh. "That was Moria's big trump card, and it's gone. Soundbite also rattled Moria's bell in the process." I frowned. "Though, Oars went down pretty easy compared to canon. But then again, Moria was overstressing it, and we'd already damaged it pretty badly, so I guess that makes sense?"

"Cross," Nami started testily as her halo started to darken. "If you are actually complaining about us having an easy time taking down a _multi-story goliath,_ then _so help me—!"_

"I'm not complaining!" I hastily assured her. "Just… with our luck, if things turn out easier than expected, wouldn't you want to try and think of anything you might have missed?"

"Kill… you…"

"Gurk…" I choked, going ramrod straight. "Like, for example, a certain raging _bastard_ still somehow having the strength to remain _conscious?!"_

Nobody had a response to that, on account of how they'd all apparently turned to stare at the renewed threat in gape-mouthed horror, and the second I joined them I _completely_ understood why.

Bloodshot eyes completely rolled up in their sockets, a _topographical map_ of bulging veins, pink foam dribbling from both corners of his mouth, and all tied together by the kind of shivering you only ever saw in the most hardcore of junkies and the kind of looks you only ever get by going through a meat grinder besides? Yeah, I think it's safe to say that we were currently witnessing Gecko Moria at the all-time _lowest_ point in his life.

If he were anyone else, I'd probably find this kind of tenacity admirable. Given who he was, what he'd done and what he was most likely planning to _do_ to us, however…

"Kill… you…" Moria gargled through all the blood and whatever other fluids were clogging his throat. "Kill… you…"

Yeah, _not_ my idea of fun.

"Okay…" I breathed _sotto voce_ as I _delicately_ raised Lassoo's barrel _._ "Everybody, he's still stalling out from pure rage. No sudden movements, nothing to set him off. Just get ready to take him out all at once, very, _very—!"_

"Kill… you… Kill… _kill…_ ** _kill…_** _"_

Ooooh that vocal devolution was _not_ a good sign.

_CR-CR-CRACK!_

Nor Moria's teeth _cracking_ in his mouth from just how hard he was _clenching them_. _**"KILL YOU ALL! NIIIIIDHOOOOOOOGG!"**_

The yell to attack was on the tip of my tongue when a mass of blackness that I _barely_ recognized as a Doppelman erupted between Moria and us. I braced myself for an assault from the ragged simulacrum, but rather than attack us, the shady demon instead started clawing at the ground, ripping out handful after handful of… of…

"Uh… guys…" Luffy asked slowly, his voice rife with confusion. "How come the shadow's eating other shadows?"

As much as the very idea sounds utterly ludicrous… indeed, the Doppelman was shredding what shadows it could get its ragged claws on, tearing them out by the talonful and shoving them down its gaping gullet. I honestly couldn't comprehend the action until I noticed the thing starting to swell, and suddenly everything clicked into place like the gears of a freaking _doomsday device._

"No… no _fucking way…"_ I drew out in breathless terror, already starting to inch away on trembling legs. _Fuck_ adrenaline rushes, if what I thought was happening was actually happening—!

"Cross! Talk! _NOW!"_ Nami snapped, her panicked voice managing to ground me in reality.

"M-Moria once showed that he could manipulate reality, actual _flesh_ , via manipulating the shape of someone's shadow!" I babbled. "How he warped it was harmless enough, b-but they still had the same general mass. B-But now, his own shadow, i-it's taking in _extra_ mass from the shadows! A-And that name, Nidhogg…"

I gulped audibly, trying and failing to clear the ash that had filled my mouth.

"That's the name of… a dragon…" I finally croaked, staring at the gradually distending gut of the shadow demon in horror. "The dragon… of the end of the _world."_

It took all of two seconds for that to sink in, and as Doppelman began devouring a straight-up _stream_ of shadows from the earth and both it and its caster _really_ started to swell up, everyone recoiled in horror.

"Cross," Nami whispered with rapidly mounting dread. "Are you trying to say that Moria's going to _turn himself into a dragon!?"_

I shook my head, slowly at first but accelerating as my panic _really_ started to hit its stride. "I think he's going to damn well _try,"_ I hissed, spinning around and throwing Funkfreed. _"And I'm not planning on sticking around to find out!"_ I was halfway up the elephant's back before he'd even fully transformed, and he was stamping his legs impatiently as was.

"Hey, Cross, wait a—!" Luffy started to protest.

"LUFFY!" Chopper barked. He was carrying Robin, Conis, and a frantic Su on his shoulders, the latter two clearly still unable to move. "We can stay here and fight Moria or we can get our friends somewhere safe, but if we try and do both then someone's going to get hurt in a way I won't be able to fix!"

_That_ brought Luffy up short. The rubber man cast a final glance at the Asgard-sized blimp that Moria had become before gritting his teeth, shooting an arm out to snag Boss and booking it like Garp was on his ass. "EVERYONE RUN!"

"Don't have to tell me twice!" Funkfreed brayed as he stampeded after our captain as fast as he could, Franky and Lola grabbing their way onto the sword's bulk as he passed.

And so, for the first time in the crew's history, the Straw Hat Pirates began retreating from the battlefield, hauling ass and hauling our friends' asses besides. What we would do once we got them to safety was still up in the air, but it was better than leaving them where they could easily be trampled in the pummeling, no matter who was on the receiving end. For now, I was just glad that the attack took so much setup because it was buying us the time we needed to put distance between ourselves and the doubly mad Warlord.

Which was a damn good thing, because looking over my shoulder, I could scarcely _believe_ how rapidly the situation had devolved: Moria and his shadow were both massively gorged, and the shadow's suction had grown to the point where, judging by how trails of shadow were lancing through the air to its maw, it was devouring the very same thorn hedge Moria had used to pen us all in. That was both encouraging, _and_ a reason for yet more panic.

Still, either way, the build-up meant we had time. I just hoped we had enough.

"Uh, guys?" Franky shouted warily. "Don't wanna start any panic or nuthin', but that shadow-puppet thing just stopped eating!"

I started to turn in my seat to look back—

_KRNCHRRRCH!_

And then I snapped my head forward and kept my eyes locked firmly dead ahead, because there was no way in _hell_ that I was going to so much as _glance_ at the source of that… that… _ergh,_ even the mere _thought_ brings me inches from tossing my entire digestive tract.

The closest approximation I can think of would be a meat grinder. A titanic, _industrial-grade_ meat grinder. Snapping, crunching, squishing, ripping, grinding, all these sounds and more sounded through the air, and each was more flesh-filled than the noise ever had any right to be.

However, just as soon as the _noises_ started, they stopped dead, leaving behind a far-too-still silence that permeated the air as thickly as the Florian's fog.

If only it could have lasted.

_**"** _ _**GROOOOOOOAAAAAAARGH!"** _

"GAH!"

I let loose a yelp of both shock and pain as I was literally _slapped_ upside the back of my head by a _wall_ of pure sound and air pressure. So strong was the force of the bellow that we were all sent tumbling due to our mere proximity, not even Funkfreed's massive bulk capable of doing keeping him upright. The sound of shattering glass echoed in my ringing ears, the shards thankfully going nowhere near us. Instead, we were engulfed in wind-blown grit and ballistic bits of dead flesh, and I'm honestly unsure what was worse.

Lemme tell you, regaining your wits only to find yourself lying face down in a pile of desiccated human flesh and feeling like you've been worked over by the mob? _Not_ an experience you want to have twice in one day, or at all. And yet, here I was having undergone that very same experience twice in the span of _hours._

"Hate… this… island…" I moaned as I sat up and clutched my throbbing skull.

"You, me, and everyone who's been living on it for any amount of time," Lola tsked, wincing as she pushed herself to her feet.

"Contemplate burning this hellhole down later…" Nami grit out as she used a wall to claw her way to her feet, her clouds hastily patting down any dirt or rubble that the blast might have caked on her. "Figure out what just happened _now._ Did… did Moria _really_ just—?"

_**"** _ _**GROOOOARGH!"** _

We all froze as another roar echoed behind us. It was quieter, thankfully, but in all honesty? The lowered volume just made things _worse._ After all, higher volume leaves a bigger impact, but lower volume has _all_ the details.

The gorey, echoing, _twisted_ details.

In a moment of foolish thoughtlessness, I glanced over my shoulder in an effort to catch sight of our enemy—

_"_ _HURGH!"_

And just as swiftly I snapped my head back, hunched forwards and clamped my hand over my mouth in order to arrest a second helping of bile. I-I hadn't _actually_ seen Moria's form in that glance, the dust and fog were still hanging too thick for that, but I'd seen its silhouette, and that was enough. Sweet Lucifer's hellfire, it was more than enough for a lifetime.

As it turns out, I'd been both right and wrong in my assumption. Right in that Moria had obviously _tried_ to turn himself into a dragon, but wrong in that he'd _failed._ At least, _I_ considered it a failure, because the silhouette of the _thing_ I could see in the distance, roaring and thrashing and _demolishing_ section after section of the manor with its every careless movement? That… that was absolutely no dragon.

It was stretched, twisted, warped in ways I can't even begin to conceive of, and at its core, the very _core_ of its being, this thing was every kind of wrong possible, but the one thing I absolutely _refused_ to call it besides human was 'dragon'. Because this thing… this was another beast entirely, and I… I don't rightly know what.

Chopper was curled up on his knees, heaving violently as he clamped his hooves over his nose. "I-I-I can't even… I don't… the _trauma_ he just put his body through! How is he still _alive…_ t-this is just… just…"

"You know what?" I heard Lola say with a strained but flat voice. "I've done a lot of crazy shit on these oceans, done a lot of crazy shit today for this crew. But no way in _hell_ am I fighting _that."_

I winced and turned my head to reply, and then I froze up as I noticed something _crucial._ "That's… actually a very good and very viable idea because _that thing ate the thorn hedge!"_

"What!?" most everyone yelped in shock, spinning around to confirm that, yes, the writhing wall of shadows _was_ gone and the route to the forest and freedom was indeed free and clear.

"I have never been more thankful for an enemy getting high on rage in my entire life," Lassoo breathed reverentially.

"And I never thought I'd say this, but same here," Zoro grunted, yanking Conis onto his shoulder. "Now come on, everyone grab a body with a pulse and let's get out of here!"

Everyone gave signs of assent, and we started moving accordingly—

"Go on without me."

When a very familiar voice caused everyone to freeze, and turn to see our captain tossing his hat behind him and crouching down. Nami's clouds caught it automatically as Luffy's body turned red and began steaming.

"The plan all along was for me to kick Moria's ass, and I owe him that even more after what he's done to us," our captain spoke in a tone that didn't allow for even a _hint_ of protest. "I'll finish him off. You guys go on and get back."

I exchanged hasty looks with my fellow officers before we all gave Luffy firm looks of our own. "We'll fall back to the treeline," I conceded. "But no way are we leaving you alone."

Luffy nodded with a steam-filled snort. "Good enough. Now, get moving. Franky!" He turned a side-glare on our shipwright.

"Right! Gimme a second, aaaand… there!" Said shipwright shifted around a bit in place before procuring a writhing bundle of darkness from… _somewhere_. "75 shadows, right up the old address! All yours, Luffy!" And with that, he tossed the umbral bundle at and _into_ our captain, who hunched forwards with a groan.

As Luffy transformed and Moria remained occupied with wrecking his own domain, I couldn't help but feel a slight inkling of curiosity. Sure, I knew that we'd kept a cache of shadows in reserve for this exact sort of situation, but I hadn't known Franky had been hanging onto them this whole time. I guess I'd kind of assumed he'd lost them at some point. After all…

"Where… _exactly_ were you keeping those shadows?" I asked slowly as I gave his wardrobe, or rather lack thereof, a once-over.

Franky grinned. "Oh, I kept them in my—!"

"On second thought, never mind, I _really_ don't wanna—!"

_"_ _GrrrrRRRAAAAGH!_ HEY! MORIA!"

Our collective attention was suddenly arrested by a very pissed and now very big and very _blue_ Luffy shooting forward, skidding to a halt in front of the smoky shadow that was once Moria—no, that was _Nidhogg_ now—and bellowing in outrage.

Then, Luffy sucked in a chest-expanding whoosh of air…

"I AM THE MAN WHO WILL BECOME THE PIRATE KING!"

And shook us all to our very _souls_ with a bellow that was accompanied… not so much by a —statement of _fact,_ but more like a divine _mandate_. And while it inspired awe in most of us, others reacted a _bit_ more… _viscerally._

**"** **GRR…** _ **GRAAAAAAAGH!**_ **"** roared the unholy love child of Smaug and Tim Curry, head flung back.

Outrage that Luffy weathered with ease, glaring at the wyrm with neither fear nor hesitation, but simply primal _disgust._ "I'm going to be the Pirate King," Luffy repeated frigidly, with all the finality of declaring that the sky was blue. "And not you. It'll _never_ be you. You can't be the Pirate King, because besides the fact it's gonna be me?"

Luffy crossed his arms and stared down the monster.

"You're not actually a _pirate."_

I _swear_ you could have sliced the following tension and silence both with a rusty spoon. But of course, like all tense silences, it was born only to be broken. In this case?

_**"**_ _**GROOOOOOOAAAAAAARGH!"**_

By _another_ ear-rending pseudo-draconian roar that, while it didn't send us all sprawling, still hit us like a semi-physical wave and left us all clutching our ears in agony.

All, of course, save Luffy, whose _entirely sane_ reaction was to blur forwards, reel his arm back—

"GUM-GUM JET PISTOL!" _CRUNCH!_

And extend his fist into Nidhogg's jaw, sending the wyrm reeling. While the monstrosity was still reorienting itself, Luffy charged past its bulk and disappeared into the dust, heading into the manor's ruins. And once Nidhogg recovered, it ignored us in favor of giving chase with as much speed as its bloated, mangled frame could manage.

For a few seconds, we stared silently in the direction the two had gone. Then I felt a jab in my shoulder and I glanced over to Funkfreed.

"One night and I've gone from having a lifetime of no combat to almost too much," he breathed. "It's official: even if I don't survive this, I made the right choice joining the Straw Hat Pirates."

"We get it, we get it," Lassoo chuffed as he started wandering around and grabbing the TDWS onto his back. "Now less talking, more _hauling!"_

And so we all set about gathering up our fallen comrades from where we'd left them without a moment's hesitation. Well, actually _some_ hesitation.

"Hey, does anyone have any idea what the hell Luffy was on about?" Franky asked, wincing as he heaved Carue onto his back.

"Hell if I know, but I imagine he's going to break it down for Moria in the same breath he breaks his face," I replied, before nearly face-planting as their blows shook the ship again. "In the meantime, let's get a little more distance, shall we? Being on the same island as this shitshow's gonna be bad enough, I am _not_ intent on experiencing ground zero!"

**-o-**

Monkey D. Luffy winces as he ducks under a grasping claw, eyeing his right arm, recently returned from a meeting with Nidhogg's soft core. Even with seventy-five shadows strengthening his rubber body's natural toughness, thin tracks of blood crisscross the limb.

Another claw comes in, and he hops back, rearing back one leg. "GUM-GUM JET STAMP!" he roars, one sandal-clad foot slamming into Nidhogg and pushing it back. This limb, too, comes back bloody, the sandal reduced to so many straw scraps. The beast roars in pain and rage, and somewhere in his heart he understands the unspoken question.

"Pirates sail the seas for a reason!" he yells, hopping over an overhead smash. As he winds back a fist, he continues to speak. "They sail for freedom! They sail for their dreams! I've run into a lot of people who called themselves pirates until now, but they had some kind of reason that kept them going, even if it was something stupid like money or power! You can't eat money, you can't eat power, and they don't help you get friends!"

The blow lands, pain stinging the limb like all the other blows. He ignores this, for he can take it, and his opponent is the one coming off the worst. That the shadows now grasp the limb is far more of a problem. He only has time for an exclaimed "OH—!" before Nidhogg slams into him and doesn't stop. The shadows lick at his chest and gut and vest, stinging like so many mosquitoes, and the two crash into the manor, wood and plaster and even stone giving way under their far stronger bodies. This is too much for the much-abused building, and the walls give way, collapsing the structure on top of their heads.

But even this doesn't stop Nidhogg, and it outraces the destruction, throwing him through the far wall. It shows no sign of stopping. He must stop it.

His sandals clap together, his muscles tense, and he roars: "GUM-GUM JET SPEAR!" A spearhead, formed by clasped toes, slams into Nidhogg's midsection, breaking its weakened grip and sending it flying back into the still-settling wreckage of the manor. For a moment, he takes his chance to catch his breath—and with a sudden pulse, he nearly loses control, his chest swelling up as the umbral souls empowering him attempt to return to their rightful place.

Time to end this.

Setting his feet, he pumps his fists in front of him, waiting for Nidhogg to reappear. And the shadow beast does not disappoint, erupting from the manorial wreckage roaring its defiance and accompanied by a plume of splinters and rock dust. With no regard to thought or strategy, it charges head-on at him.

It is perhaps the worst thing it could do.

"GUM-GUM JET GATLING!"

This time, it is not a single blow that the shadows can grasp and tear. It is not a single blow that Nidhogg's form, long past caring about damage, can simply shrug off. It is a barrage, fast and unrelenting and offering no purchase.

It is with the one hundred and seventy-third blow that the inevitable happens: he freezes, slumping to his knees, veins rising all over his body… and in a burst of the darkest of black, seventy-five shadows flee the body of Monkey D. Luffy, his skin reverting back to the usual bronze. He doesn't move. He can't.

And Nidhogg is in no better shape. The great beast writhes on the ground, roaring—or perhaps screaming—in pain and rage and grief and a hundred other emotions. Through his exhaustion, he eyes the great mast looming above him, and knows that he will need to draw it up that towering trunk.

But he is tired, so tired. His muscles ache with strain and lactic acid, his heart gallops like a panicked horse, lungs vainly trying to suck in enough oxygen. His very soul and will quiver with exhaustion, and a dozen different wounds sting him with pain.

And yet.

And yet every time his mind screams 'Fall!', he cannot. For he sees the monster in front of him, and he sees the smiles of his crew, his friends, and he knows down to his bones that he cannot let the two meet.

He will not fall. Only when the monster of shadow and hate falls, and not a second before. And it must fall soon, otherwise the decision becomes not his.

"BUT YOU!" he roars, briefly glancing up. "You don't care about any of that! All you want is the throne, and for _what!?"_ Standing to his feet, he pins it with the best glare he has. "For revenge?! Because you lost your friends?! You don't even remember them! You're just sailing because of your pain! Because you don't know what else to do! And you're making everyone else hurt too, just because! You're not a pirate! You're not even a person! You're a shadow! A ghost! _YOU DIED WITH YOUR CREW!"_

Astoundingly, Nidhogg falls silent. A creature that roared and spat and snarled for its entire existence, that was always roiling and twitching and _moving_ , freezes, utterly quiet. For several seconds that may actually be an eternity, the two stare at each other, and then he shuffles one foot back.

That movement provokes the beast, Nidhogg flipping to its feet and charging forward, still utterly silent. He stretches his arms up, grasping a spar and soaring into the sky as the rubber pulls back. Below, Nidhogg skids to a halt, reverses, and grasps the mast with its claws, beginning to climb. It climbs steadily, but slowly; he climbs in bursts, each taking him further up the mast. Blades of shadow shoot up, seeking to impale him, but swinging in the air as he does allows him to avoid all but minor nicks.

Within minutes, he has reached the top of the mast, the fog encompassing all even at this atmosphere and Nidhogg two spars down but rising fast. Gritting his teeth, he bites into his thumb, and _blows._ His arm swells, the air flowing into his chest and then his other arm as he continues to blow. Within seconds, both arms are fit for a giant, and he cuts the flow in favor of taking a colossal breath into his chest, ribs stretching to fit. Sandaled feet grasp the mast and muscles in the back and chest flex, spinning him around into a tightly wound spring.

"GUUUUM-GUUUUM—!"

And then Nidhogg is there, faster than he had any right to be. Shadow skitters off the massive arms, merely adding to the thin lines already present, but umbral jaws find purchase in his gut.

"Gah!"

Air hisses out from the punctured torso, and he knows he must act _now_. And thankfully, his opponent is right there. Two massive arms pump, smashing into Nidhogg from above, dislodging him and sending him spiraling towards the ground far below.

"GIAAAANT STOOOORM!"

And he follows, screaming, spinning like a top. Each fist is a meteor with the weight of a mountain, and they fall like a monsoon rain, swift and unrelenting. The fists are too large to receive damage, and in any case, Nidhogg is now utterly senseless, unable to counterattack.

The torment is only ended when it is squashed between titanic fist and the small landmass floating on the sea. Dark shadows and a small dot in black and blue and bronze and red fly away, signifying to all one thing:

This fight is over.

**-o-**

_K-K-K-_ **KRACK!**

"Sonnuvabitch!" I yelped, cartwheeling my arms in panic as the _flipping island shattered beneath us._

I mean, it was to be expected of course after the _cataclysmic_ beatdown we'd just seen Luffy deliver, of course, but it was another entirely to _feel_ the very earth tremble beneath your feet. And then it was a tier all of its own when you and everyone around you had to scramble to stay together as massive rents and cracks ripped the earth apart, and seawater sloshed up and sprayed us in drenching, salty gouts.

Thankfully, the devastation was as swift as it was brutal, and as soon as it was over, we were left panting in shock, wet, dumbstruck… but alive.

Zoro huffed heavily as he stared at the crack before glancing at me. "Is this… going to be a regular thing?" he managed to get out.

I shook my head, a slight jerk in the motion. "Not until New World, that's for damn sure."

_That_ got me a heck of a lot of attention, several people opening their mouths to speak at once—

"Wait…" Usopp cut in, hand shading his eyes. "Is that… Luffy?"

When they were all silenced by that query, and followed his line of vision.

And indeed, right there in the sky, sailing on the breeze of his own rapidly exhaling breath...

_"_ _WHO-O-O-O-O-OA! SOMEONE CA-A-A-ATCH ME!"_

Was our captain, and the winner of this long and arduous fight, Monkey D. _'That Freaking_ GLORIOUS _Straw Hat'_ Luffy!

"Oh, yeah, forgot he tends to do that…" I commented weakly. I paused briefly, tilting my head. "Somebody should catch him before he falls in the drink, huh?"

"I got this," Chopper said, weary but fond. Shifting to Heavy Point, he stepped forward, and then right, and then forward again, just in time for him to catch Luffy against his chest. His head leaned down, several curious hums coming from him, and then he turned around with a sunny grin. "Alright, he's not going to keel over immediately or bleed out anytime soon, so I hope you don't mind if I take a moment to celebrate the fact that we fucking _survived_ that!"

I allowed a massive sigh of relief to exit my lungs, now that we were safe at last from that monster that Moria had somehow become. And out the corner of my eye I could see everyone else—Zoro, Sanji, Nami, Franky, Brook, Lola, Usopp, Lassoo, and Funkfreed—doing the same. But it couldn't be that simple; the second I began thinking about the whole fight with a perfectly clear head, my blood ran cold as I realized that there was something I had overlooked.

"Hold everything, guys."

"Not that tone, _please_ not that tone, not _now_ of all times, Cross," Usopp moaned, he and everyone else immediately on their guard.

"Sorry, Usopp, but I have to," I said, Lassoo and Funkfreed moving back towards me as I scanned around. "Thinking over the situation, all of the zombies were purified. All of the Mysterious Three were taken out. All of our allies were present and accounted for. And the mansion was a _long_ way away from the graveyard, isolated from all the noise we were making. I wasn't able to spare enough thought for this until now with Moria's Awakened rampage, but thinking about it now?"

I turned so that I was facing everyone.

"If we sedated him—which we _did_ — _who or what woke him up from it?"_

I registered the looks of horrified realization come onto my friends' faces… but just barely. My senses managed to process that at the same time that they processed a dark shadow looming behind me, the sound of fabric leaving flesh, and a soft, almost gentle voice, speaking a single word.

"Me."

I barely had enough time to start panicking when I felt something touch my head. Then everything went dark.

**Cross-Brain AN: Some things simply cannot change…**

**Hornet AN: On a lighter note, when Moria was hit by the Nova Star, he was going to say "Rip your spines out through your nostrils." How that's anatomically possible will be left as an exercise to you, dear reader.**


	4. Chapter 4

### Chapter 59: Chapter 52: The Nightmare Is Finished? A New Dawn In The Florian!

### Chapter Text

**Cross-Brain AN: Before we move to the conclusion of Thriller Bark, we have a few things that we would like to say to our fans.**

**To those who edit our TV Tropes pages, thank you; it means a lot to us that you give us so much. To recognize a few: PutotyraNoZarus, Eddy1215, euan112358, Gaby007, ThePoarter, lilyofthevalley, Hujwernoo, darkhabit, NXTangl, JD2K, and The Sinful. Thank you all.**

**Next, to those of you who leave anonymous guest reviews on FFN. First, those of you who ask questions: if you want us to answer them, please spend a few minutes creating an account so that we can actually respond. Second, those of you trying to bring politics in, or who have more recently called for… 'removing' the dugong characters, if you can't be arsed to face any possibility of a response, we're just going to keep deleting them. Or, to put it shortly: kindly** _**get fucked** _**.**

**Patient AN: For the record, I don't approve of the language… but the frustration is no less with me.**

**Xomniac AN: And for my record, I've got some even harsher language! I'm the one with the account, I have to field that braindead crap first! If you wanna flame, either grow the pair needed to do it with an account I can report, or** _**shut. UP.**_

**Cross-Brain AN: And now, brace for flying hammers. Specifically, mason hammers.**

For once in my time on the Blue Seas, my senses returned to me faster than I expected. Unfortunately, it didn't do much good with my subconscious DOSed trying to figure out what was going on. A few key facts slowly became apparent: I was lying on a rough, uneven surface. There was a rancid stink in the air, like rotting pork, and there was noise coming from nearby. Voices… they sounded like my crew. What was going—?

_Thriller-Bark-Moria-Awakened-Nightmares-Crew-Decimated-Draugr-Oars-Eating-Shadows-Nidhogg-Luffy-Victory—_

_**Kuma.** _

My eyes snapped open, and I leapt to my feet and looked around the area, taking in everything I could. It was still dark… still foggy, even. We were still in the Florian Triangle. The next thing I noticed was some of my crew nearby. In ten words or less… they all looked like utter shit. To elaborate, everyone looked like they'd been personally worked over by Impel Down's finest, sporting almost uniform expressions of pain, though thankfully not agony.

To name but a few: Conis was cradling her cranium, a bloody bandage indicating she'd most likely gotten a second scar to go along with the one Ohm had given her. Boss was steadily burning through a cigar as he leaned against some rubble, his flipper pressed to the near shirt of white wrapped around his torso. And Merry… well, I knew it wasn't right to laugh at another's pain, but damn it, you watch a tyke like her gnawing at a cast-covered arm and say it's not funny as hell! Lassoo and Funkfreed snickering nearby was just further support for that theory.

Moving on, the TDWS and Carue were bandaged up from head to toe, and Robin and Vivi weren't shy for them either; I noticed that the latter was glaring at her necklace, and I winced as I wisely elected to leave that particular hornet's nest the hell alone. And Chopper was lying on his back; from what I could tell, he was regaining his breath from treating so many so fast, hooves twitching spastically from overuse.

Then… there was Luffy, on his feet and grinning like a loon. My panic calmed briefly as I confirmed that my captain was safe, and then it shot right back up as I realized that Luffy was bouncing around after all of that, as though he hadn't taken any damage.

And as I ran towards them, my panic shot through the roof as I realized something else: _so was I._

Luffy perked up as he caught sight of me. "Hey, Cross! You're up too? That's great!"

"It's also, to repeat, _impossible…"_ Chopper groaned.

"Seriously, I expect this kind of physics-ignoring weirdness from Luffy, but you too, Cross?" Usopp moaned as he poked at his nose.

"Bah, who cares?" Luffy laughed. "Woohoo, this is awesome!"

" _NOT EVEN CLOSE, LUFFY!"_ I roared, injecting as much terror and desperation into my voice as I could manage.

The good mood flew out of him as he and everyone else conscious looked at me with alarm and concern, and I made to look at my partner—

" **CROSS."**

—and instead shot a glare at a newly awakened and very irate Sanji. "I fucked up and I know it, crap cook, but me facing the music can wait until _after_ we save that noble idiot's life! And in pursuit of that, _Soundbite!"_

I waited for a reply. After a few seconds of silence, I began glancing around, patting down my clothes with mounting panic. "Soundbite? _Soundbite!?"_

" _I'm_ _ **here… further**_ **OUT…"**

My relief at my partner speaking up was weak; I hadn't heard him this exhausted since Navarone.

"…Is he there? Is he alive?" I asked softly.

" _For now…_ _ **but hurry,**_ **they need BLOOD,** _ **PRONTO,"**_ his voices warped and warbled. "HEAD STRAIGHT _left from_ **where you are."**

"Sonnuva—!" I'd barely taken two steps when Soundbite's words sunk in, and I felt a chill like Brook's post-time skip swordplay.

"What," I said slowly. "in the name of Roger do you mean by ' _THEY'?"_

Rather than wait for an answer, I swung my head around, took a hasty headcount, and promptly felt my brain _crash_ when I realized who was missing.

"ROCKET US, _NOW!"_ I roared, grabbing Chopper's scruff with one hand and reaching out to Luffy with the other. He didn't hesitate to grab the nearest anchor, and a few seconds later we landed in the right location.

…I thought I had seen the worst when Moria awakened, but no. Even with the nightmares of the Shadow-Shadow Fruit annihilated, Thriller Bark still had one last scene ripped straight out of hell to torture us with. And here it was.

A barren crater of ground, stripped of all life, the soil straight out of a drought-ravaged wasteland, and smothered in blood. The crusted substance cracked beneath my feet, long since dried, and spread throughout the entire crater, more than one human body seemed able to hold. And in the very center stood a single figure, immediately recognizable.

"Z… ZORO!" Luffy screamed.

Chopper blearily took in the scene. Then his eyes snapped open, showing off bloodshot sclera, and he flipped down and dug a flask out of his bag marked with a skull and the label "LAST RESORT". He chugged the entire thing before tossing it aside and snapping into his Walk Point, sprinting over to Zoro with an expression that was equal parts furious and horrified.

" **What happened here?"**

"Nothing… absolutely—"

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT SHIT!" I roared, grabbing what was left of his shirt with both hands and ignoring the shout of protest Chopper let out. "You've just endured every last bit of punishment that Luffy has over the past _who knows how long_ but we can deal with your suicidal honor code later because you can take it, _NOW WHERE THE HELL'S THE OTHER IDIOT?!"_

"H… Here…"

I gagged as a raw and barely audible voice floated over to me, and I hastily shoved our fine-shredded swordsman off to our doctor before running in the direction of the voice. I rounded a stray block of rubble, and stopped dead in shock, barely capable of understanding what I was seeing. Finally, I managed to choke out a single word.

"Nami…"

Our navigator lifted her head what few inches she could manage, her expression flushing with relief, and somehow found the _gall_ to direct a bloody glare at me. "Took… your damn time…" she wheezed. "You _always_ have… to sleep in, don't you?"

I… I couldn't say anything. How could I in the face of the horrific tableau before me?! I'd seen a lot of bad shit during my time as a pirate, I'd _experienced_ bad shit aplenty! But the sight of Nami, one of my closest friends, the one who'd always managed to come out of almost every last one of our escapades squeaky clean, looking like she'd been put through a titanic paper shredder? It was… just _overwhelming._

Nami was propped up against the rubble, leaning into it without a hint of energy and for good reason. Her legs and her face looked like sandpaper had been rubbed over them, and her arms… her right arm was relatively unmarred, but her left looked like it had been mauled by some kind of a rabid feline, it was such a mess, a segment of her Clima-Tact held so tightly in her fist that I think some of the knuckles were dislocated. And going by the blood-caked state of her right hand's fingers, well…

And it was crazy that she could even move her head; the rest of her body was limp and almost gray, removing any doubt—if there _was_ any considering the maroon and red trail towards her—that there was more blood outside her body than in it. She was on the brink of death, and somehow still had the strength, strength I'd never even _suspected_ her to have, to keep on _living._

"Did you… see that idiot?" She gave her head a minuscule jerk in the direction of Zoro, her lips twisting into a broken but still catty sneer. "Seriously… I told him posing was… a stupid gimmick but he… just wouldn't budge… But then again, I— _ack!"_ She coughed and wheezed, a mouthful of blood and I don't even _want_ to know bubbling out of her throat. "I-I guess I'm no better, huh… every one of us, a big ol' idiot… Do you… think it's in the water, or…?"

My legs gave out under me, bringing me to my knees just in time for my throat to finally respond to my will and choke out a single word.

"Why?"

" _Couldn't stop her…_ **could only watch…"**

I followed the direction of the voice to a branch hanging overhead. Soundbite was there, sagging in his shell from grief and fatigue, his eyestalks drooping and barely open.

"S-Soundbite, what—!?"

"Don't… get mad at him…" Nami coughed, staring up at my partner with a weak smile on her face. "He tried… to stop us… but we… wouldn't listen. It's not like… he tried to do something… as stupid as us…" Don't ask me how, but the damn madwoman somehow managed to make a smile on the edge of death look _sunny._ "He was… pretty damn brave. Stayed with us… through the whole thing… even though he was scared… out of his mind. He… actually might have even… saved my life… a few times…"

"I… you…" I sputtered. Those sputters died shortly thereafter when I noticed that Nami's eyes were starting to lose focus.

"I-In fact…" she slurred, her head starting to sway back and forth. "After what… he did…" She chuckled, a wet noise that was equal parts bittersweet and delirious. "You don't… owe me… anything now. Heheh… I-In fact…"

Nami slipped to the side, and I only _just_ managed to grab her in time to hear her breathe out one last thing before she slipped into oblivion.

" _I owe you one, friend…"_

**-o-**

"Alright, you metal-limbed bastard, start spilling your guts or I'll spill them mys—ACK!" Sanji's burgeoning rant was headed off at the pass by a brief cyan glare from our doctor, who was in the middle of stabilizing the crew. Instead, he settled for glowering at me with as much heat as he could muster, and given what he could do, I was sweating like a pig for a variety of reasons.

After discovering that little… _scene,_ we'd relocated everyone into the most stable section of the ruined manor we could find. We then spent several minutes waiting with bated breath and raging questions as we waited for Chopper to finish properly stabilizing our semi-eviscerated friends. It had been touch and go for a while, but thanks to some help from the Rolling Pirates, it looked like things would be fine.

Chopper had mended Zoro and Nami's abundance of injuries as fast as he could, desperate enough that he even recruited Merry's skillset and Robin's arms to help. The two of them sped matters along considerably, and he had their much-needed transfusions up and running in a matter of minutes. It was a very tense few minutes, but as Chopper measured the progress, he informed us that there was no immediate danger to anyone anymore. Which meant that while his attention turned back to handling everyone else, everyone else's attention attention immediately turned back to me.

Attention I met with a miserable groan as I continued to pace, as I'd been doing since we arrived. "OK, first of all, _yes,_ I forgot that he was supposed to show up. I thought I'd managed to head his presence off a while back, but _clearly_ I was mistaken. I overlooked the possibility that the World Government could send him because of the SBS or for some other reason, in which case I fully accept the blame. On a related note, I need to double-check something as soon as we're done here, because if he was here why I _think_ he was…" I lapsed into silence for a second, gnawing on my thumb, before shaking my head and moving on.

"Second of all, in this case? Even if I _had_ mentioned the possibility of his presence, it wouldn't have made any difference; you all saw what he did, some of you more than the rest." I shot a pointed glance at Sanji, which got him strangling his lighter so hard I think its casing cracked. "So you've probably figured out that against Bartholomew Kuma, the only thing we _could_ have done at this time was put our heads between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye. Crocodile and Moria are the only Warlords alive who are even _close_ to our level. The rest are just _that_ powerful, and Kuma's in the upper tier even for them." I sighed tiredly and rubbed my face. "Make no mistake, it's the fact that individuals like Kuma are part of the Warlords that they're viable counterweight to the Marines and Emperors."

"I guess we were sort of getting spoiled with arrogant bastards," Vivi said with a ferocious grimace as she kneaded the bridge of her nose. "That's the kind of power that Warlords are expected to have; if Crocodile's pride hadn't driven him to sorely underestimate Luffy, we never would have beaten him."

Sanji continued to fume, clearly not satisfied with my explanation. "Even if I accepted that, I would have expected you to tell us that it would put Zoro and Nami-swan in this much danger!"

"It was _only_ Zoro in the story!" I shot back, glancing in a brief panic to make sure no Rolling Pirates were in earshot before continuing. "The metal bastard came for Luffy's head, but when Zoro stepped in to take his place, Kuma fed him Luffy's pain, expecting him to die from it. Naturally, he _didn't_ because he's that freaking tough! _BUT,_ going by how I feel light as a feather, _apparently_ Kuma was after my head too! That doesn't really surprise me, given how my head could kickstart a small nation's economy, but _Nami_ going through this!?" I jabbed my finger at our comatose navigator, packing all my incredulity into the motion. "Trust me, I'm as confused as you are! And for once, things are flipped because while I don't have the answers we need or want, _he does!"_

I turned my eyes onto the gastropod who was currently guzzling his second bottle of liquid lozenge, and Sanji as well as everyone else in earshot joined me. He eyed us for a second, spat the emptied bottle out, and met our questioning gazes. " _ **Yo."**_ And just that one word provoked a pained wince from him

Ignoring that wince, Sanji painfully shoved himself to his feet and loomed over my partner, cigarette tearing between his teeth. "Everything you saw, snail, or I might actually carry out one of my threats."

I warily side-eyed Sanji. "Not endorsing the death threat…" I hedged. "But I'll second the urgency."

Soundbite took a second to glance around and take in everyone's anxious expressions before slumping forward, his eyestalks hanging heavy with sorrow. "ALRIGHT, _**HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED. After Kuma showed up out of nowhere and pulled a 'think of the rabbits' on Luffy and Cross, Lola recognized him and asked what he was doing here. He said that they—that is, the World Government—had lost contact with Moria and he came to see what was wrong—"**_

I allowed myself to relax at that, though I was still going to check every inch of the card, which, in retrospect, I should have been watching religiously over the past who-knows-how-long.

"— _and then he said that while he had the chance, he was here for Luffy and Cross's heads. I MUST NOT HAVE BEEN A PRIORITY THOUGH, HE JUST FLICKED ME OFF YOUR SHOULDER LIKE I WAS SO MUCH LINT._ SWEAR THAT BASTARD CRACKED MY—! _Ugh… Anyways…"_ Soundbite cast a pitying glance at my other two partners, who were both nursing some hearty bruises to both flesh and ego. " _Lassoo and Funkfreed charged him and got blown away first."_

"Felt like _I_ got shot out of a freaking cannon for once…" Lassoo moaned from under his paws, clamped to his head.

"What the _hell_ was that bastard packing?" Funkfreed demanded, an icepack pressed to his forehead with his trunk.

"The Paw-Paw Fruit, one of the most _ludicrously_ jailbroken Devil Fruits I've had the displeasure of witnessing," I explained grimly. "It gives the user paw pads on the palms of their hands that have the power to repel or deflect—or more specifically, 'push'—anything that they touch. And that means _anything,_ from projectiles to air to more abstract concepts like, well…" I gestured between Luffy and myself. "Pain and fatigue. And the force of his pushes are often disproportionately powerful, too."

"Tsk, so _that's_ why you and Luffy had my tranquilizers in you. That explains how he woke Moria…" Chopper grumbled as he held a pair of blood-filled vials up to his… eyes…

I briefly contemplated whether or not I was suicidal enough to ask _when_ he'd drawn our blood, but I just as swiftly snapped my attention back to Soundbite. "So, those two got slammed and then… I'm guessing he laid down the ultimatum?"

"What's that mean?" asked… Luffy, worryingly enough, considering the amount of seriousness in his voice.

"That individual, Bartholomew Kuma, was it?" Brook spoke up, his head bowed solemnly. "He gave us all a choice to make: we could let him take the two of you unmolested, or we could refuse and suffer for standing in his way. Naturally, not a one of us hesitated to oppose him with every fiber of our beings… even though I myself no longer have any fibers to speak of! YOHO—! Ah, wait a moment…" The musician tilted his head quizzically. " _Do_ skeletons have fibers? I forget… tentative skull joke."

"Robin?"

_THWACK!_ "YEOW!"

"Thank you."

"After that is when things get… _fuzzy."_ Keratin rubbed fur, a pained grimace on Chopper's face. "I think I might have gotten desperate enough to take a third Rumble Ball."

"No, that's the concussion talking," Usopp clarified ."You're fuzzy on the details because there _aren't_ any."

Chopper's chin-scratching stopped in favor of shooting our sniper a blank look. "Aren't any what?"

After a moment of staring, Usopp sighed and turned back to the rest of us. "Anyways, Kuma must have thought that the surroundings weren't wrecked enough, because he used some big air-blast attack to flatten everything and everyone that was left standing near him. That's the last thing I remember."

" _ **LUCKY YOU,**_ _long-nose,"_ Soundbite groaned, shuddering.

"And how exactly did _you_ stay conscious?" Franky cut in. "You may have a thick shell, but it's not thicker than my _super_ metal body, and I got knocked out right away, too."

Soundbite frowned in thought. " _Short version, I tried a new technique,_ **IT WORKED.** _BUT FYI, THAT TONIC WAS ONLY TEMPORARY._ **My throat still feels like I've been** _ **gargling gravel.**_ I CAN TALK SHOP, _**OR I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT THE HELL I JUST WENT THROUGH.**_ **WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER SUFFER?"**

I briefly entertained the easier notion, but… "Proceed."

" _ **Well…"**_ Soundbite slowly turned his gaze as he stared off into oblivion.

**~o~**

"Now suffer the Ursa Shock."

_**FWOOM.** _

The Ursa Shock was a technique steeped in contradictions; while an incredibly destructive attack, it was both simple and relatively silent in its execution. And yet, in spite of this simplicity and hushed delivery, it was made deadly and massively loud due to the sheer _scale_ of the assault. A singular blast of air and wind, but the tsunami-sized quantity of air pressure resulted in widespread destruction, and thus a cacophony of demolished and collapsing debris.

Trees and stone, architecture and nature alike, none were capable of withstanding the full, unmitigated fury that was the Ursa Shock.

When the howling winds died down, they left utter silence in their wake. Nothing stood much above chest height. Anything that had was now sprawled out on the ground, and anything that was once intact was now irrevocably annihilated.

Most people, in the aftermath of such destruction, would have been left gaping as they experienced any of a variety of emotions, from terror to awe to satisfaction at a job well done. Assuming they were still conscious, of course.

As he witnessed the devastation he had wrought with his bare bear hands, Bartholomew Kuma felt none of these things.

Instead, the Tyrant merely shifted his massive bulk with his head, systematically scanning his environs with cold efficiency for any signs of life. A glance downwards confirmed that the first of his primary targets that he'd acquired, the 'Voice of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross, was still where he'd left him after successfully removing his involvement from the situation's equation: pinned in place beneath his boot, incapable of being shifted even an inch by any on the island, much less the meager blast the Warlord had unleashed.

Satisfied that any potential interfering elements had been dealt with, Kuma reached down, hefted his target by the back of his jacket, and strode into the debris. His secondary target, tracked through the maelstrom by the systems crammed into his head, was still right where he'd left him.

Reaching the calculated location, Kuma dislodged a slab of debris and beheld the slumbering form of his other target, Monkey D. 'Straw Hat' Luffy. The titanic entity reached down towards the rubber man—

_**WARNING!** _

And froze as his sensors and Haki both blared out a warning of imminent danger. In accordance with the warning, Kuma erected a minimal, non-hardened barrier of Armament Haki over his body, a precaution that was very much overkill in the waters of Paradise.

"IMPERIAL LION'S ANTHEM!"

_SLASH!_

"Gh…" Kuma's mind and processors alike reeled when a disproportionately strong attack was registered slamming into his chest, actually forcing the naval bioweapon to take a step back for balance. No critical damage arose from the assault, obviously, but it was with no small amount of silent respect that Kuma observed the opening rent in his shirt, and the infinitesimally small scratch in the **[CLASSIFIED]-** alloy plating that lay beneath.

Not a trace of this respect showed on Kuma's face as he turned to observe his assailant—just cold apathy. "Roronoa Zoro," he calmly stated. "Your power exceeds that which has been previously observed. I shall inform my superiors that your threat level is to be re-evaluated."

The swordsman didn't respond, too busy glaring daggers at the expanse of metal he'd exposed. "A Marine _cyborg._ As soon as I save Cross's ass, I am going to _kill him."_

Formulating a strategy based around the new information he had analyzed, as well as the information on the swordsman's intent and ability he'd gleaned through his reacting Observation, Kuma spoke the words he knew he would incite the desired reaction. "That is false. Monkey D. Luffy and Jeremiah Cross shall both meet their ends at the hands of the Marine's executioners."

An _inferno_ of outrage flared into existence in the swordsman's eyes, and he roared, pouncing on the Warlord. "LIKE HELL, YOU BASTARD! ONI—!"

Kuma snapped his arm up, interposing his insensate captive between himself and his assailant.

Zoro choked, aborting his attack and rolling past Kuma to avoid bisecting Cross. "Sonnuva—!"

That was as far as he got before Kuma stepped forwards and _shoved_ his chest. A shove that sent Zoro _skipping_ across the debris and desperately gasping for breath, ribs creaking ominously.

Finally, the green haired swordsman collided painfully with a raised rock, his lungs still gasping for air and the lack of oxygen leaving his vision hazy. Even in his condition the swordsman did have enough of his wits about him to flip himself onto his hands and knees and react appropriately when he caught sight of the light building in Kuma's gaping maw. That is to say, pale dramatically. "Oh, you have _got_ to be—!"

Rather than finish that thought, Zoro bodily heaved himself away, not particularly caring _where_ he landed so long as it was somewhere that qualified as 'not remotely close to the starting point original position'. And it was a good thing he did too, because a second later—

_Ping!_ _**KABOOM!**_

"Gah!"

—he was sent sprawling by the thermoluminescent reaction that erupted from whatever the hell was stuffed in the Warlord's throat.

Beaten, bruised, wounds from fighting Ryuuma throbbing painfully, and now partially flash-fried all over, all Zoro could do was wheeze in pain as he lay prone on the uneven ground, eyeing the melted remains of the rock he'd been lying against moments earlier. "What…" he bit out. "The hell _are_ you?"

"A Pacifista," Kuma answered bluntly, his voice still devoid of inflection. "A human weapon made to the serve the World Government, built by—"

"On second thought, save it," Zoro interrupted, growling with effort as he painstakingly forced himself into a kneeling position. "Cross'll just tell me everything important about your tincan of an ass later."

Kuma took a moment to delete that comment from his memory before replying. "Again, that is incorrect." To emphasize the point, the cyborg hefted his captive again. "Jeremiah Cross and Monkey D. Luffy will be coming with me, and you will never see them again."

Zoro bit out a sharp _tsk_ at that, and then was silent for a long moment, hands balling into fists. "The reason you're taking them… it's because the World Government wants blood, is that right? It wants heads to roll?"

Kuma slowly bowed his head, deepening the shadows cast by his hat. "…that is correct."

"…then in that case, how about a trade." The swordsman met Kuma's glowing gaze dead on, without a trace of hesitation or weakness. "My head for theirs. I'm not worth as much as them, and their faces might be more infamous… but…" He rammed his fist into his chest, his teeth grit with pride and determination. "I _am_ the man who will be the strongest swordsman in the world. Given time, I'll kill a Warlord with nothing but my blade, and my name will be known the world over, more than both of those idiots combined! That has to be worth something to you! That has to be worth their lives!"

Kuma remained impassive throughout the speech, and for a little longer after it was finished. "Your claims bear merit, and I am amenable to what you propose… save for an error you have made."

Zoro tensed furiously. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Kuma's held up a single finger on his free hand. "One life in exchange for one life. It does not matter how much acclaim any one person might hold, the fact remains: one does not equal two. You may take the place of Jeremiah Cross, or you may take that of Monkey D. Luffy." Kuma bowed his head, glasses shining from the shadow of his hat. "But you are not worth both. Choose."

For one of the few instances in Zoro's life, his very core was stricken with doubt and hesitancy, and true fear etched itself across his face.

"Tsk. What the hell are you so worried about, mosshead? Sounds easy enough to me."

Both Zoro and Kuma turned their attention to a clearly exhausted Sanji, who was working his way over to them with a scowl on his face.

"You take the shitty captain," he coughed out painfully. "And I'll take the shitty bigmouth. It's not _that_ hard. It's gonna suck like hell, of course, but hey…" The cook shot a bloody grin at his rival. "The things we do for this crew, right?"

"You—!" Zoro started to protest.

"Hey, leadbelly!" Sanji shouted, ignoring the first mate in favor of striding up to the Warlord. "You want a second head? You got one. I'll admit, I'm not as infamous as the rest of these clowns, and my dream… well, compared to them, some might even call it lacklustre…" He jabbed his thumb at his chest. "But damn it all, I've got _some_ worth in me, and if ever there was a time to use it, it's now." He cast a wistful glance back at Luffy's body. "Sorry, Captain… guess you're gonna need a new—"

" _ **MORON!"**_

**~o~**

_WHAM!_

"GAH!" Sanji winced as Luffy brought his fist crashing down on top of his skull. "Sonnuva—! What the hell do you think you're— _grk!?"_ Any protests the cook were about to make were cut off by our captain grabbing his collar and dragging him face to _apoplectic_ face.

"If you _ever_ do anything that boneheaded again, then I'll kick your ass inside out! GOT IT?!" Luffy snarled

"YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON I WANT TO HEAR THAT FROM!" Sanji roared right back.

Luffy… actually blinked in confusion at that. "So, wait, you'll still do it again?"

"Me and every other person on this damn crew! Right, everyone?!"

There was a general rumble of agreement from everyone present, which I myself was a part of. "He's gotcha there, Luffy," I noted.

Luffy eyed us all before slumping in defeat. "Awww… that always worked when Sabo and Ace did it…"

"Probably because they were, ah… more… mature?" Vivi offered tentatively.

Luffy slumped even further. "That's the one thing everyone's always said I can't be…"

Vivi palm promptly met her forehead before any of us could strike ours to the back.

" _Anyway,"_ Su cut in, focusing on our chef. "Sanji, if you were laying your neck on the line, why didn't you go through… _that_ instead of Nami?"

"Zoro stopped you, right?" I posited. "I mean, even with that ultimatum, God knows he's bone-headed enough to _try."_

Sanji grimaced and slowly looked away. "Ah…"

"RIGHT POSITION…" Soundbite cut in with a downcast look of his own. " _ **But… WRONG RANKING."**_

**~o~**

"Sorry, captain… guess you're gonna need a new—"

**KRRRR-** _**ZAP!**_

" _GRK!"_ Sanji shuddered in agony, his every muscle locking up from the live current invading his body. "What… the…!?"

That was all he managed to get out before his tenderized frame gave up the ghost, and he collapsed into a boneless heap.

Zoro could only blink at the spectacle in shock. "The hell—?!"

"Sorry, Sanji…"

Both Zoro and Kuma—one incredulous and one impassive—stared as 'Weather Witch' Nami hobbled up to them, Eisen cloud wrapped around her bleeding right leg and her body leaning heavily on her Clima Tact as she limped her way across the shattered stone.

"But just this once…" she huffed painfully. "The knight in shining armor… is going to have to step aside… for the big bad _witch."_

"You—! How the hell are you still standing!?" Zoro demanded.

The navigator rapped her knuckles on her Eisen cloud, which momentarily broke the strong front she was putting up with a full-body shudder of pain. "My Eisen Tempo. I froze up too long to shield anyone else, and I still got hit pretty bad… but it was enough to keep me going. Meaning that now…" She glared at the Warlord with fierce determination. "I'm available to do my job."

"And what the hell— _gugh,"_ Zoro coughed as his body was wracked with tremors. "Do… you think _that_ is!?"

"Easy," Nami growled, her tone brooking no compromise. "I'm the second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, ranking right below you. If it's _anybody's_ business to be offering up their lives for this crew, then it's just as much mine as it is yours! SO COME ON!" This last bit was roared at Kuma, the arm not holding her Clima-Tact gesticulating wildly. "Take me too! I'm the second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, I'm one of the groundbreaking rookies of this generation and _damn it!"_ A fire blazed in Nami's eyes. "I'm the _best Navigator_ in all of Paradise, and I was going to map every inch of this godforsaken world with my own two hands. I'm one of the best… so if you swap me for him?" She jabbed a finger at Cross. "Then congratulations on the bargain, because you won't lose a single damn _thing."_

For a long moment, Zoro stared at her in disbelief before frowning solemnly. "You're not backing down about this," he said more than asked.

Nami responded with a defiant nod. "I've been in this position before. I've been here…" Her hand ghosted over the tattoo on her shoulder, drawing a grimace from her. "And I am _not losing someone again."_

Zoro regarded for a moment longer before slowly shifting his glare back to Kuma. "Me for the rubber-brain," he repeated.

"And me for the loudmouth," Nami concurred. "What do you say, Kuma? Deal or no deal? Though either way…" An offshoot of her clouds started to crackle and darken. "They are _not_ leaving this island."

"Now show us you have some honor," Zoro growled, throwing his swords at his feet.

The Warlord stared at them, his shielded eyes and perpetually frowning mouth giving away no hint of his feelings. Finally, once more, he sighed.

"If I were to lay a hand on either of them now, I would be put to shame."

The first and second mates relaxed marginally.

"However."

And just like that the tension rammed right back to maximum.

"As you have both pointed out, for all that you have dreams, you are worth significantly less than your crewmates. As such, you will make up the difference yourselves…" The shadows around Kuma seemed to deepen into pitch-black darkness. " _By venturing into the depths of Hell."_

Before either of the crew's officers could ask what he meant, Kuma raised his captive in one hand, and pressed his other to Cross's back. A large pink sphere with dots floating above it, resembling a pawprint, ballooned out of him and came to a rest in the air before them; it was almost as tall as Kuma himself.

"What the hell did you just do?!" Nami demanded.

"Do not worry. I simply repelled the pain and fatigue that Jeremiah Cross has accumulated over the last twenty-four hours," the Warlord calmly answered. "If you are prepared to take their places, then you will take them in their entirety. With the pain that the two of you have taken already, you will die excruciating deaths from taking in your crewmates' as well. Observe for yourselves." And before the other pirates could react, he ghosted his hand through the orb, withdrew a pair of softball-sized bubbles of the energy, and lobbed them at the mates.

Nami and Zoro grit their teeth, mustering up every ounce of resolve they had in preparation to weather whatever was about to strike them.

The moment that the bubbles entered their bodies, their resolves _shattered._

" _YEEEEAAAAAAAAAARGH!"_

A full five minutes later, Kuma loomed over the pair's twitching forms, his expression still resembling a stone wall.

"Do you still want it?" Kuma asked softly.

Nami ignored him in favor of hacking up a mouthful of blood. "How… the hell is _that_ … what Cross was feeling?" she wheezed hoarsely.

" _Huff… huff…_ the freaking _hell_ we've all just gone through… he got a hole in his side… he's probably gotten used to his limbs while we aren't… all those other _health issues_ he has…" Zoro bit out. "Take your pick."

"Argh…" Nami winced as she slowly inched herself into a sitting position _._ "I don't suppose… you'd be up for a trade?"

"Ah, yes, I suppose I should show you your captain's as well," Kuma mused. So saying, he walked over to where Luffy was, replaced Cross with him, and then started to push out another bubble of distilled suffering. And then he kept pushing, and pushing, and _pushing._

Zoro's eye twitched as he beheld an orb that was _bigger_ than Kuma. "Better not."

The only response Nami could muster was a squeak of agonized terror.

The swordsman let out a tired _tsk_ and shook his head _._ "Whatever… hey, bear bastard," he said, a glare directed at the Warlord. "We'll do it. Just… let us change the place we do it, alright?" He grunted when Nami looked at him in confusion. "Don't wanna hit anyone by accident while we're…"

The navigator shuddered as she conceded the point, and slowly, painstakingly made her way to her feet, a shaky tendril of clouds moving to offer a hand to the swordsman. "Let's just get this over with before my nerves give out."

And so the two started to walk off into the woods…

**~o~**

The snail was tearing up by this point, fighting to stay focused. " _I, AH, I SPOKE UP THEN. DIDN'T TRY TO STOP THEM, NO POINT IN IT, but…_ **in the end, I, ah… got them to take me with them** … COULDN'T JUST… **LEAVE THEM ALONE, AFTER ALL.** SO THEY… PUT ME _on that branch…_ _ **and I watched.**_ **THEY PUSHED INTO THEIR BALLS,** _ **and… and…"**_ He started shivering in place, staring at nothing.

"What happened _after_ that?" I asked, as gently but firmly as I could.

Soundbite jerked out of whatever hell he'd been revisiting, allowing himself a massive—if redundant—snort before powering on. " _It, uh… n-not much,_ **really. KUMA… H-HE SAW THAT** _ **they were still alive, and then, uh… h-he left, easy. YOU GUYS… YOU ALL WOKE UP A BIT AFTER THAT, A-AND HERE WE ARE."**_

Soundbite was silent after that, probably resting his voice, and nobody spoke, letting the magnitude of what had happened sink in. But it didn't last more than a couple of seconds before Chopper set another bottle of liquid lozenge beside him and moved back towards Nami and Zoro.

"Soundbite, can you give me some specifics on what they went through?" he asked grimly. "I'm sorry, but the more information I have, the better and faster I can make their treatment go."

Soundbite shuddered, but before I could stop him he snatched up the bottle and took a swift chug before spitting it out. I only just managed to catch it before it hit the ground. " _The external wounds, they… they did it to themselves._ THEY WERE FLAILING ON THE GROUND, SLAMMING INTO ANYTHING NEARBY. _**Internals though… I-I don't know, I think some was sheer overexertion, but…**_ **OTHERS SOUNDED LIKE THEY JUST OPENED SPONTANEOUSLY."**

Chopper frowned, tapping intently at his temple. " _I recall reading about a few cases of injuries appearing after dreams due to the dreamer suffering intense pain in the middle of the fantasy… perhaps this is the same phenomena, the mind making the fantasy real due to the transference of pain being so accurate?"_ Closing his eyes, he exhaled, and the madness eased from his still-tense frame. "Alright, that'll help, but… what about the more…" He glanced at Nami, or more specifically her mummified arm.

Soundbite shook his head. "ZORO… _**he was hurt bad,**_ **BUT EVEN THROUGH THE PAIN, THE AGONY, HE COULD PUSH THROUGH IT!** _ **AFTER ALL, HE'S ZORO!"**_ For a second, he wore a confident grin, and then the look shattered. "… _B-BUT NAMI… she wasn't that strong._ _ **She was crying and crying,**_ **literally** **ripping herself to shreds… T-THEN SHE STARTED… T-TO GO FOR HER OWN THROAT.** _ **I-I couldn't do anything…**_ **so I did THE ONLY THING** _I could._ **I SHOUTED MYSELF** _hoarse for hours,_ I KEPT TELLING HER _SHE WASN'T ALONE,_ _ **that she could make it through this.**_ _I JUST…_ _ **I COULDN'T LET HER GO THROUGH IT ALONE…**_ "

Soundbite could barely keep swallowing as he finished, tears streaming down his eyestalks. I reached out and patted his shell, as did Sanji and several others.

"You did good, Soundbite," I murmured, and everyone else echoed my words. We watched as he slowly calmed down, the tension that had been present the whole time draining out of him. Then he smiled thankfully and retreated into his shell, asleep in a second. Sanji turned to me, clearly gathering his thoughts, and then, finally, he huffed out a sigh.

"…I'm not misguided enough to keep blaming you now that I know all of the facts, Cross," he said quietly. "But this kind of oversight… the two of them almost _died._ Even if you knew that we couldn't do anything to change this part of the future… we could have at least changed what came next."

"I get it, and you know that I'm already beating myself up to hell and back for this—"

"Cross."

Luffy's voice ended my babbling almost before it started, the rubber man frowning seriously at me. "You did the best that you could. The only one to blame for this is the World Government. And you already know that Nami doesn't blame you. Zoro won't either. We still beat Thriller Bark, we still beat Moria, and we're all still alive. Don't beat yourself up." He turned to Sanji sternly. "And don't tell him he needs to."

"I'm not." Sanji huffed out a cloud of smoke as he looked me in the eye. "I just want to make sure that we don't end up blindsided like that again. Just… from now on, make sure your plans have a fail-safe for the worst-case scenario, no matter how unlikely it is. That's all I'm asking."

"I…" I searched for a response before finally nodding sadly. "I'll do my best. Though, just to reiterate, in this case there _was_ no viable fail-safe. Going up against Kuma… can't win, can't run. Fighting him's as hopeless as fighting _Mihawk_ again, and Mihawk we can _try_ and run from if he doesn't care enough."

"Just gimme a few years…"

Chopper snapped into his Heavy Point and rammed a needle in Zoro's chest in almost a single move. "I am not," he growled out with as the swordsman slipped back under. "Dealing with him conscious. _For three more hours._ _ **Any complaints?"**_

"Nope!" Funkfreed hastily saluted.

"Not a one!" Conis shook her head vigorously.

"TAKE THE WOMAN, SPARE OUR WORTHLESS LIVES!" Mikey wept as he shoved Raphey in front of him—

"ASSHOLE!" _WHAM!_

—only for her to spin around and clock him something fierce.

"When I'm done with you—!" the pink-bandanna'd dugong swore furiously, ramming flipper into flat—

_THWOCK!_ "GAH!"

Before yelping in shock when a _needle_ rammed into her neck.

"I believe I heard something earlier," Chopper grinned a very _twitchy_ grin at her. "About _sucking side wounds?"_

Due to how fast she paled, it was hard to tell whether Raphey went down due the drugs in her system or the sheer fear that flooded her brain. Personally? I give it fifty-fifty.

" _Now…"_ He _sloooowly_ rotated his head around so that he could eye the rest of us, faint traces of cyan madness just _waiting_ to be unleashed. " _Does_ _ **anyone else**_ _have something they want looked at?"_

"Ah, C-Carue! Get me a ride back to Big Bro Sunny, I've got to make sure he's OK!" Merry yelped, swinging onto the duck's back, who shot off like a bullet.

"HEY, THAT'S _MY_ DUCK! GET BACK HERE!" Vivi shouted, sprinting after the pair as fast as her own bandages allowed. Which, considering how he was a supersonic duck, was pretty admirably fast.

"Uh, wh-why don't we start looting the manor? Get a _niiice_ and sizeable horde going so we can appease Nami once she's up?" Donny suggested in a panicked voice. He waited for a response…

"All in favor? Guys?"

Before finally realizing his fellow pupils had already ditched him, a dust cloud indicating their route, and he zipped off after them.

"Welp!" Boss stretched energetically, wholly _ignoring_ the swathe of bandages wrapped around his chest. "I'm not going to let something as trivial as a hole in my chest—or several—slow me down. Time to get right back to training." He then snapped a flipper up, nonchalantly catching a syringe-dart out of the air moments before it struck his neck. "Sorry, _Doctor,_ but my schedule trumps your ord—GRRK!"

Unfortunately, his gloating left him open to the _second_ syringe that found itself lodged in his flipper.

"Whale… barnacles…" _THUD!_

Aaaaand that was him down.

"…Well, then. With your permission, Doctor, I believe I'll go investigate the mouth-gate to see if Absalom is still there," Robin said with a cool smile that fooled absolutely no one, walking off into the forest at a slightly too-brisk clip. Sanji glanced between her retreating form and the unconscious Nami presided over by Chopper, sighed, and followed after Robin into the woods.

"Franky, you know the way to the kitchen, yes? Could you lead me there?" Brook asked, actually sounding entirely casual. Either he really wasn't scared (probably foolish enough to think that Chopper _didn't_ have a way to down him at a moment's notice) or he was just… really good… at hiding his… no, he was just an idiot. "It's just that I'm parched you see. Why, you could even say that I'm—!"

"Yeah yeah, bone dry, hilarious, _let's go!"_ And then they were gone.

"Hey, Luffy! I think I just saw a ghost! You wanna go ghost hunting? Let's go ghost hunting!" Usopp exclaimed, dragging Luffy along with him… or at least, his arm, which was presently stretching out while Luffy stared curiously after Usopp. Now, _he_ was obviously oblivious.

"Eh? What are you talking about, Usopp?" Luffy asked with honest curiosity. "All the ghosts on the island were fakes, remember? There aren't any real ones… here, anyways. How come you're lying? And why's everyone so scared of Cho—?"

" _JUST GET OVER HERE ALREADY!"_

"WAH!" Luffy yelped when he was suddenly jerked out of his seated position by a particularly hard yank.

I watched after them with a bit of amusement before glancing to my side. The transceiver was still there, thank goodness; no matter what our crew had done, I wouldn't have put it past Kuma to abscond with it. I made to lift the flap—

_TH-TH-TH-TH-TH-THUNK!_

And then my hand froze as half a dozen scalpels embedded themselves in said bag, tracing around my fingers in such a way that twitching a millimeter would draw blood. _Veeeery_ slowly, I turned my head, and beheld a pair of pure cyan eyes glaring back at me.

" **Jeremiah Cross,"** Chopper intoned darkly. " **I have been pushed to my limits even more than Enies over the last several hours, and** _ **this**_ **is pushing me even more. As soon as I finish restocking my supplies, I am going to sedate** _ **myself**_ **and spend the next few days sleeping off my exhaustion. So, while I have the chance, I am giving you a doctor's order: do not do** _ **anything**_ **that would invite the chance of the Marines sending someone to track us down and finish us off before I wake up,** _ **or I will tear your limbs out of their sockets and have Sanji prepare them FOR MY DINNER. Do I make myself clear?"**_

"Crystal," I squeaked. Once he turned away from me, I frowned as I considered what to do; doctor's orders aside, with Soundbite out cold, I wouldn't be making any broadcasts or calls anytime soon. I looked over the few that were still left, and nodded as I decided on a plan of action.

"Hey, Conis, could you teach me how to shoot… basically anything that's a _sane_ caliber for people to carry? I'm not planning on using a pistol anytime soon, but I'd be more comfortable if I could hold one without having to worry about a case of leadfoot."

"Oh? Sure thing, Cross," Conis smiled, unstrapping one of her spare pistols and handing it to me.

"What about us, Cross?" Lassoo asked, some indignation in his voice.

"You two are going to be working on something else entirely. And the same goes for you, Su," I ordered, my serious tone causing all three of them to straighten. "I want you to go through what's left of the manor, every nook and cranny, and then comb over the island itself. If by some miracle we missed any zombies, salt them and free them. But more importantly, keep your eyes, ears, noses, and anything else you have available open for the Mysterious Four. If you find any of them, report back to the Sunny; none of them _should_ be combat ready if they're still here, but I think we can all agree we don't need to deal with _another_ sneak attack. Got it?"

"You can count on us, Cross!" Funkfreed saluted proudly.

Su, meanwhile, grinned widely before jumping onto Lassoo's back and jabbing a paw forward. "Mush, faithful steed!" she sang.

"This 'faithful steed' is gonna chew your tail off…" Lassoo grumbled, but he still started trotting off in the indicated direction, Funkfreed following close behind.

That done, Conis and I both headed off in the general direction of the Sunny. Going by how neither of us wound up taking an anesthetic-aided dirt nap after a few steps, I'm fairly certain that Chopper begrudgingly approved.

**-Three Hours Later-**

Sunny, once again decked out in paper lanterns to shine like his namesake, fairly glowed in the dreary fog of the Florian Triangle. Part of my mind dwelled on that part as I secured my headphones and took aim at the bull's-eye again. In canon, Thriller Bark had wound up sailing out of the Florian Triangle by sheer dumb luck courtesy of Oars-Luffy messing with the sailing, which of course hadn't happened here. I grimaced at that; sure, we still had the Log Pose, but I didn't fancy staying in this dead sea any longer than we needed to. And after the literal nightmares of this island, I was _seriously_ aching ready to see the sun again. Hell, I'd even take the moon and the stars if they were available, just so long as it meant I wasn't being _strangled_ anymore. And I knew I wasn't the only one with this opinion either.

I fired twice, frowning slightly as I took in the placements of my bullets: an improvement from an hour ago, but a long shot from perfect. Like my plans, it seemed. Sure, I had spared the time to discreetly sneak another glance at Luffy's (read: Ace's) Vivre Card before coming back to the Sunny, and it was as whole as ever… but Kuma still came.

Even if forewarning wouldn't have made a difference, and even if it hadn't been due to the SBS, I should have figured he _was_ going to come, and I should have acted on it. Maybe then Zoro and Nami…

I shook my head, refocusing my body on shooting while I let my mind focus on matters to come. The past was the past, and it _sucked,_ but that was it. Instead of wallowing, I had to focus on what was pertinent: that we'd be seeing Kuma again sooner rather than later, and that I needed to start thinking about what I'd do when that time—

_THWACK!_

"Yeow!" I yelped, clapping a hand to the new lump I had growing on the back of my head. Damn it, note to self, start wearing my hat more religiously, _but for now—!_ "What the hell was that for!?" I snapped at an _irritatingly_ pleasant Conis, who even had the gall to keep her hand in a post-chop position.

"'That', as you call it, was what we White Berets tend to do when our trainees fail to properly focus when they're in the middle of training," Conis sunnily answered, her smile never wavering. "I hope you honestly don't think I'm going to cut you any slack just because you're only doing this as a 'just-in-case' skill. I won't have you disgracing me as a White Beret~!"

I frowned in protest. "But I—!"

_THWACK!_

"Mother—!" I clapped my free hand over my throbbing brow.

"Now, Cross," Conis admonished, shaking her finger at me as though she were disciplining a child. "Unless whatever you're thinking about is liable to kill us all in the next few minutes if you _don't_ think about it, then I'm sure you can take a break, even if just for a bit!" Her pleasant demeanor then crumbled into worried fretting. "…uuuunless whatever it is you're thinking about actually _could_ kill us all if you don't think about it, in which case please carry on thinking about it post haste. Could it?"

I spent a few seconds gaping in awe of her emotional 180… "Pft!" Before hiding a chuckle behind my fist, my tension slipping out along with it. "No… no, you're right, a few minutes _won't_ be the death of us…" I raised my pistol back into a ready position, and focused intently on my target. "So, I'll just have to use it making sure that it'll be the death of someone else!"

Conis smiled anew, stepping back and giving me a thumbs up. "Clear!"

_BL-BL-BLAM!_

I set the gun down and waited with bated breath as Conis stepped up to inspect the target, cupping her chin as she looked over it. A second later, she nodded. "Three hits… two on the outermost circle and… one just grazing the bullseye? Not bad at all, Cross!"

"Tsk, speak for yourself…" I let out a frustrated sigh, scratching the back of my neck. "Come on, I habitually hit ten for ten with a two-ton _cannon,_ shouldn't my aim with a markedly lower caliber weapon be better?"

"Hweehwee, you hit _jack,_ loudmouth."

I cast a disgruntled glance over my shoulder as our search party returned, Lassoo leading them with an annoying smirk on his muzzle. "Something you wanna add to the conversation, howlitzer?"

"Just that you're glossing over _my_ part in your prior bouts of applied firepower," Lassoo sniffed haughtily. " _You_ point me in the right directions and hold me steady, while _I_ do the itty-bitty work! Alone? You can't hit a target worth spit! Hweehwee—!"

"Wanna see how well I can plant my boot between your legs?" I asked flatly, tapping the toe of my greave on the lawn.

"—YIP!" I was subsequently treated to the unique sight of a dog trying to cross its hindlegs in desperate panic. "I'll be good, I'll be good!"

"Anyway," Funkfreed cut in, drawing my attention away from the mutt. "We couldn't find Moria or any of his lackeys. The rest of the crew even helped us out, but… it looks like they're truly gone."

"And all of the zombies have been purified, too," Lola added as she came up onto the deck, waving in greeting. "The only shadows left on this island are all in their proper places. Though…" She scowled irritably. "I'm of two minds about the fact that our tormentors aren't here anymore. Any ideas where they've gotten off to?"

"Hrmph…" I cupped my chin in thought. "If I had to guess? Kuma must have taken them with him when he left. Hogback's got a lot to answer for, and heinous though he might be, Moria _is_ still a Warlord, and the other two's Devil Fruits are useful besides, so—"

" **No…** _ **that's not…**_ **RIGHT…"**

"Soundbite?" I asked in surprise, snapping my attention over to the barrel where my snail _had_ been snoozing. Now, however, he was clearly newly awakened and blinking blearily at us. "What do you mean?"

" _Forgot until now, but…"_ Soundbite loosed a jaw-cracking yawn before continuing. " **KUMA DIDN'T TAKE MORIA. He took Hogback, yeah… but that's it.** _I HEARD HIM SEARCHING AFTER…_ THAT, _BUT HE COULDN'T FIND HIM._ _ **ABSALOM TOO… and Perona for that matter.**_ _Hogback was arrested_ **nice and clean, but the rest of THE MYSTERIOUS FOUR…** THEY'RE JUST GONE…"

"Cross?" Su eyed me warily.

"I…" I frowned in thought. "I don't know. _Normally,_ I'd guess they did the same thing they did in the story: take the backup ship that they had stashed here and sail away to regroup, but…" I shook my head slowly. "With Moria in the state he was in, and without Hogback around… I… honestly don't have a clue…"

"So they're just… gone?" Lola confirmed slowly. She shook her head in awe as she took it all in. "I… just don't know how to feel about that. To think that everything, well, _evil_ about this place could just disappear like that. It almost doesn't seem _real,_ you know?"

" **Well…"** Soundbite offered slowly. " _I think I can give you_ ONE EXPLANATION…"

"Oh, yeah?" Su sneered. "What's— _gah!"_

Our powderfox's exclamation didn't need an explanation, as we were all made aware of a slight bit of misinformation. Despite our expectations, we actually _weren't_ in the Florian Triangle anymore. Or rather, going by how _some_ fog still hung over the island's sky, we were on the very edge of it. While half of the island was still shrouded in fog, a look the east made it impossible to think we weren't outside the Triangle.

After all, the first light of day shining over us couldn't happen in that dead fog.

"It's the sunrise," Conis breathed.

" _And there's your explanation…"_

"Soundbite?" I blinked at him in surprise.

My partner responded with a wry grin before starting to speak.

" _ **If we shadows have offended,**_

_**Think but this, and all is mended—** _

_**That you have but slumbered here** _

_**While these visions did appear.** _

_**And this weak and idle theme,** _

_**No more yielding but a dream."** _

We were all silent for a bit as we mulled it over. After chasing a few thoughts down their rabbit holes, I decided to give him a flat look as I scooped him onto my shoulder. "… OK, that's nice, but seriously."

" **Fucked IF** _I know!"_ Soundbite shrugged unashamedly.

"Also, wasn't there another line after that last one?" Funkfreed queried.

" _Oh, shut up and let it RHYME."_

I chuckled at the exchange, and then perked up as a thought occurred to me. "Ooh, now that I think about it, if ever there were a time—!" I turned in the direction of the manor… and slumped in disappointment when the horizon remained frustratingly silent. "Aww…"

"What did you think was going to happen?" Conis tilted her head expectantly.

"Zoro and Nami would wake up and then Zoro and Luffy would start raising a ruckus. Come on, the timing would have been perfect!"

"Yeah, _too_ perfect!" Lola snorted in amusement as she finally tore her gaze away from the rising sun. "Come on, that'd be clichéd as anything! What, do you think this is some comic or something?"

We Straw Hats all considered that statement for a moment, before leaving Lola as the confused odd-woman-out as we all collapsed into fits of mad laughter.

**-o-**

"So… how bad is it?" Nami asked, her voice almost cracking.

I flinched, glancing away from her as I tried to think of the right thing to say.

An hour or two after the sun had risen and dispelled the last of the shadows that were haunting Thriller Bark, our crew had all regrouped in the manor's ruins where Chopper had been tending to our crewmates. We'd _been_ partway through discussing whatever the hell our next step was supposed to be, but we'd been interrupted by more pressing matters. Namely that, thanks to Chopper's improved IQ and medical skills and their _very_ slightly lessened injuries (relatively speaking), Nami and Zoro had woken up far sooner than I'd expected. This, quite predictably, resulted in a pause in our discussions in favor of handling _that_ particular ball of worms.

Currently, everyone was occupied with their own affairs. Chopper, for his part, had apparently conked himself out the moment the sun had risen, and was snoozing away in Nami's lap.

Conis was running long-overdue maintenance on her arsenal, triaging what could and couldn't be salvaged while Su lent a paw where needed. Usopp and Franky had excused themselves to go start working on… _some_ project or other.

Sanji had run off to where the Rolling Pirates had started stockpiling supplies, in order to prepare the battery of dishes most everyone would need once they realized just how hungry they were. Leo, Mikey and Donny were all in the midst of committing what I was silently defining as an _involved_ form of suicide by practicing their… _artistic stylings_ on the still-sedated forms of Raphey and Boss.

And everyone else, well… they were all occupied with watching the little 'show' that was going on in the background.

Hence, that left me in the nominally uncomfortable situation of having to speak with Nami, who was currently fingering the bloodied bandage that covered her left shoulder.

For those of you who have a hard time remembering, that would be the shoulder where Nami's tattoo was located.

Or, to put it another way, that was the arm that Nami's free right hand had been able to claw into while she was trapped in the throes of _my_ agony.

"It's not… _completely_ ruined, if that's what you're worried about," I attempted to reassure her. "For the most part, it's fine."

Nami's fragile expression wavered as she ran her fingers through Chopper's fur. "But the part that isn't?"

I flinched, glancing to the side as I cursed just how damned sharp she was. "…you ripped off one of the pinwheel's larger arms. Not the one with the tangerine on it, don't worry!" I hastily reassured her when she suddenly flinched. "…but still. Ah, but! Fret not, I took the time to ask around the Rolling Pirates, and there's a tattoo artist ready and waiting. Just give them the design, and it'll be good as new—!"

"'For the most part'." I flinched as Nami brought up the one thing I hoped she wouldn't. "That's what you're not saying, right?"

I scratched the back of my neck with a pained grimace, because… well, she really wasn't wrong. Besides tearing the hide off her shoulder, Nami had also left her own mark on her skin below her shoulder too. Nothing crippling, thank goodness, but… well, no matter what world you're from, bloody claw marks just do _not_ scar well.

I was wrenched out of my thoughts by Nami heaving a massive sigh and clapping her hands together. "Well!" she announced with a sunny expression. "Guess that's that. Damn, and I had a rough enough time getting it on the first time, now this is just going to _suck."_

I blinked dumbly at our navigator. "Uh… seriously? _That's_ your reaction?!"

Nami shot a catty grin at me. "What, did you expect me to break down or something because my tattoo got a little ripped up? _Especially_ after you just told me that you've already found a way for me to fix it? Psh, come on, Cross, there's no way your opinion of me is _that_ low!" Sticking her tongue out at me, she continued, "I think I actually _am_ hurt, hurt beyond all belief! Big meanie~!"

"Ah, well… what about the—?"

"Scars? Come on, Cross…" She heaved an exaggerated sigh as she raised her shoulders in a shrug of defeat. "Your memory must be some kind of sieve or something. Remember _this?"_ She held her palm up to me and pointed out a… pale line on her…

"Oooh, right, forgot about that," I said, grabbing my own hand in sympathetic throbbing.

"Yup~" Nami sang casually. "As you can see, I'm thoroughly familiar with how the pirate life can leave you marked. It's totally fine, no need to worry about me! After all!" She grabbed her non-injured bicep and flexed it proudly. "I'm the infamous Weather Witch, a world-class scrooge and Second Mate of the Straw Hat Pirates! Nothing can bring me down!"

"Uh, well… if you're—?"

" _You realize you just_ _ **spouted that shit in front of someone**_ **WHO CAN READ YOUR HEART RATE LIKE A BOOK,** _ **RIGHT?"**_ Soundbite flatly stated.

And just like that I re-tensed as Nami suddenly flinched. "Soundbite, you little—!"

"I-It's alright, Cross," Nami reassured me, looking away as a few key parts of her visage crumbled—a twitching eye here, a trembling cheek there, all very hesitant—and betrayed her true feelings. "Fine, so I _was_ affected by what I went through, who the hell wouldn't be? That was… Kuma wasn't kidding when he said he'd put us through hell. But!" Nami took a _very_ slow and deliberate breath before looking me dead in the eye, true steel gleaming in her gaze. "As bad as that was, it _still_ doesn't compare to eight straight years sitting in that _damn room_ wishing for death. I'm used to it, I'll deal with it in my own time, and for the moment I. Am. _Fine._ Alright?"

I glanced back at Soundbite, who was frowning but didn't say anything. Ultimately, I decided that if I could trust her with my life, I might as well put a _little_ faith in her now. "Well… alright, if you say so. But if you need to talk or anything—!"

"Then I should clamp your maw shut and make _you_ listen to _me_ for a change? Can do!" Nami snickered into her fist.

I glanced away with a scowl. "Well, you don't need to say it quite like _that…"_

"Still, while we're talking about how each of us is feeling…" I looked back to Nami and caught her scrutinizing me intently. "How about you? Are _you_ feeling alright?"

"Um… pretty much, yeah?" I asked more than anything. "Better than I have in a while, which _you_ of all people should know better than anyone."

"Well, I only ask because…" Nami slowly turned her head to cast a flat glare at the madness going on in the background. "Well, if you're feeling alright, how come you're not putting on the same show that our beloved captain is?"

I glanced in the same direction, taking in the sight of Luffy leaning over Zoro's bed and Zoro leaning up towards him, both of them butting heads and shouting their lungs out at each other. It seemed like even Luffy didn't need to be told not to aggravate Zoro's wounds by way of percussive maintenance (though that may have only been because of how Chopper's snoring kept spiking whenever he started to move), but at the same time, he wasn't taking what his first mate had done lying down.

Buuut it was sort of hard to take them seriously considering that they seemed to be yelling more for the sake of yelling than anything. Most comical way to blow off stress I had seen since the journey started.

"Yeeeeaaaah, I guess I can understand your confusion…" I muttered, scratching my head. "I mean, if you want me to shout at you for being an idiot I can, but… honestly, I'm satisfied with just _calling_ you guys idiots. Which, by the way, you are."

"Hey, we saved your—!" Nami started to snap—

_CLONK!_

" _Ow!"_ she yelped, cradling the spot where I'd chopped her noggin.

"You willingly walked into massive-ass bubbles of pure _pain_ while already on the verge of death!" I snapped, shaking my finger at her. "That is the _textbook definition_ of the word stupid!"

Nami growled bloody murder at me, before glancing away, mouth drawn into a surprisingly cute pout. "If it's stupid and it works—"

_CLONK!_

"That only applies when _we_ do it, moron!" I shouted as I shook my hand out. Damn, and I thought _Luffy_ had a tough skull.

"DO YOU REALIZE HOW INSANELY HYPOCRITICAL YOU SOUND RIGHT NOW!?" Nami roared in my face, teeth in full-on shark mode.

"PIRATE, BITCH, WHATCHA GONNA DO!?" I roared right back.

Nami sucked in a deep breath to continue yelling. Then her mouth closed as she _finally_ noticed the shit-eating grin I was sporting. "…you're just screwing with me, aren't you?"

"Pfheheheh, kinda!" I chortled, casually leaning back and stretching my arms above my head. "I mean, I _am_ pissed at you for doing something so, to repeat, _bone-dead stupid,_ but I'd do it myself in a heartbeat, so as you said, guess that makes me a bit of a hypocrite, too. That's life, neh?"

Nami glared furiously at me. But at the continued ruckus from the rest of the crew she heaved a sigh of defeat and looked back towards the rest of our crew with a goofy grin playing across her face. "Hypocrites, idiots, mannerless savages, and uncouth barbarians. We are one _diverse_ bunch of bastards, aren't we?"

"Don't forget the monsters, demons, and assorted spectrum of psychotics!" I added.

Aaaand _that_ broke the camel's back.

"Snkrt…"

The sudden snort from Nami was enough to get me to look at her in surprise.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA _HAAAAA!"_

And then she _flung_ herself onto her back, flailing around as she howled like an absolute _lunatic._

All commotion around us came to a screeching halt as Nami's howling caught the attention of the rest of the crew, all of them staring in awe at the once-in-a-blue-moon sight of Nami almost literally busting every stitch she had to bust.

Luffy finally broke the awed silence by suddenly giggling like the crazy bastard he was. "Shishishishishi! FINALLY!" He threw his hands up victoriously. "Everyone's alright and everyone's happy!"

"Hey, I'm not done—!"

Luffy didn't lose a beat as he 'poked' (read: shoved) Zoro back onto his back, still grinning like a loon. "We're! All! Happy! So, now there's only one thing left to do!"

Everyone slowly exchanged eager looks as we all figured out where he was going with this, and as one we all shouted what we were all thinking.

" _LET'S PARTY!"_

"PARTY!" Boss and Raphey roared in agreement, snapping clean out of their drug-induced slumbers, all amped and ready to rock before blinking as they noticed one another's faces.

"Uhhh… B-Boss? Y-You've got a little somethin' on your…" Raphey gestured weakly at her teacher's face.

"Y-Yeah, you too, it's, ah…" Boss's eye twitched as he pointed back at his student.

There was silence as the two dugongs stared at one another, and then the air started _crackling_ around them as they snapped their heads around to glare at their fellow dugongs—who, it should be noted, froze into pale-eyed statues the instant their compatriots awoke—with murder literally _glowing_ in their eyes.

"Tell me, Boss," Raphey hissed in a low voice, slowly grinding her sais against one another, the action drawing _sparks_. "Is it a Man's Romance to kick the ever-loving _shit_ out of one's comrades for screwing around with a person while they're asleep?"

"Why, yes, Raphey," Boss stated in a _far_ too serene tone as he _somehow_ managed to crack nonexistent knuckles in his flippers, one after another, each as loud as a gunshot. "Yes, it _very much_ is."

The increasingly terrified Dugongs slowly inched back as much as their tails would allow. "Please tell me one of you guys has a plan…" Mikey whimpered. "Because I've got _jack…"_

"Can't think," Donny barely managed to get out. "Too scared. Regretting _so much."_

Leo, meanwhile, seemed only mildly nervous in the face of his fellow disciple and master's fury. "Don't worry guys," he calmly said. "I have a plan."

Mikey and Donny glanced back at him with newfound hope gleaming in their eyes. " _Really!?"_

"Yes," Leo nodded firmly, his demeanor astonishingly still calm. "You really think that I would go along with something this barnacle-brained if I didn't have a reason to think we would get away with it?"

" _Get away with it?"_ Boss snarled. " _How_ in Sebek's name do you think you're going to get away with _this?"_

"Well, Boss," Leo said, turning to look in a very particular direction. "Are you really mad enough that you're willing to take what will happen to _you_ if you aggravate our injuries?"

The other Dugongs followed his eyes, and Mikey and Donny smirked while Raphey and Boss stiffened as they saw their snoozing doctor.

"Actually, he left a message for me in case of something like this happening."

The Dugongs' attention turned towards Merry, who had a flat look on her face. "He said, and I quote, ' _If any of these morons provoke each other just because they think I'll magically intervene, the only help they'll get is me patching them up once I've woken up'._ "

Raphey and Boss's anger returned in full force while the other three gulped. "Please tell me you have a backup plan, Leo," Mikey squeaked.

"Of course I do," Leo said, notably more nervous but still possessing enough wits to slowly drag his new cutlasses out of their sheathes and position himself behind his fellow students. "Now, listen carefully. I need you both to look dead ahead."

The two snapped their gazes forward, meeting their compatriots enraged glares without flinching.

"Steel your backs, draw your weapons."

They drew their weapons and held them with pride, ready to fight to the death.

"And no matter what, don't you worry for even a moment!" Leo lowered his stance and tensed in preparation. "Because no matter what… I will definitely enjoy two more seconds of sweet sweet life!"

" _RIG—!"_ Donny and Mikey started to nod, aaaand then the words fully registered in their minds. " _Wait, wha—!?"_

_SLAM!_

Leo rammed his hilts of his blades into his fellow students' backs, launching them at their comrades even as he ran the other way as fast as he could. "EVERY DUGONG FOR HIMSEEEEELF!" he wailed in a tearful panic. "I'LL REMEMBER YOUR SACRIFICE!"

_WHAM! CRACK!_

Leo was _way_ off, Raphey and Boss didn't even need half a second to bat Mikey and Donny through the nearest walls before charging after him. "TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN, YOU BASTAAAAARD!" was the enraged howl that trailed after them.

We all stared after the dust trail that the trio left in their wake. And that just wouldn't do, would it?

"PARTY!" I shouted energetically.

"PARTY!" everyone cheered anew, though this time with a bit less enthusiasm overall.

"Eh?" Usopp blinked as he and Franky walked back up to us, layered with soot but otherwise looking pretty darned content with themselves. "What's going on?"

"PARTY!" Luffy whooped eagerly.

"We heard you the first time, Cross!" the Risky Brothers cut in as they poked their heads into the room, drawing our attention to the hustle and bustle of the Rolling Pirates setting up what promised to be one _helluva_ party.

"Alright, I'll lead the way to the kitchen!" one of them said before charging off in that direction.

"Alright, I'll start setting up tables!" the other said as he went off in his own direction with just as much energy.

"ALRIGHT! Ah, wait!" Luffy paused mid-charge, swinging his head left and right. "Who was going to the kitchen again!?"

"That one!" Vivi hastily answered, pointing at the one that had gone after the tables. She sighed in relief as he charged after him. "Carue, you go after him and keep him occupied. I'll go and warn Sanji to batten down the hatches."

"Aye-aye!" Carue saluted before heading after him, with Vivi departing at a far more sedate pace.

"I need to retrieve my violin!" Brook yelped in realization, scrambling frantically out the room.

"And I think I saw an intact piano somewhere around here, if you'd prefer," Robin added as she too began to wander off.

"Oh, that's better! Lead the way!"

"Hey! Franky! Usopp!" Merry shouted to the newcomers. "I've got an idea! Let's shoot up some fireworks! That'll be _really_ fun!"

"Uh…" Usopp and Franky exchanged perplexed looks before the sniper slowly raised a finger. "You _do_ realize that it's the middle of the morning, right?"

"Then we'll just have to make our fireworks all the brighter!" Merry decided.

Franky considered that for a moment before shrugging. "Eh, always _did_ appreciate a good challenge. Come on, let's get to it!"

I grinned as everyone began heading their own way, and was about to join them myself, only to eat a sudden jab to my side. I doubled over with a woof of pain, and shot a glare at a still-giggling Nami instead. "The hell— _GRK!?"_ I was cut off by the navigator grabbing my collar and dragging me face to face.

"First off, that was for being inconsiderate enough to make me laugh, because my _everything_ hurts right now," she grit out, her smile clearly pained. "And second, this is the best chance you're going to get to collect Merry and Vivi, duck out, and contact the Masons, so make the most of it!"

After only a few seconds of spinning its wheels, my brain decided that that was a great idea. So decided, I nodded and marched off, and a glance at my shoulder rewarded me with Soundbite nodding to confirm that he'd already called for our co-conspirators. I had just made it out the door when a thought occurred to me. "By the way, now that you've recovered, what was that new technique you mentioned earlier?"

"OH!" Soundbite perked up. "GASTRO-BARRIER, _a literal_ _ **wall**_ **of noise. I JUST** _WRAP MYSELF UP_ IN A SPHERE OF _**POLARIZED SOUND,**_ _and it_ DIVERTS _**most of whatever**_ **damage comes my way.** _It's a_ **WORK IN PROGRESS."** He frowned. " _Case in point:_ I COULDN'T SPEAK UP UNTIL _THE END OF THINGS_ _ **BECAUSE WHEN I USE IT, it eats up so much energy I**_ **black out."**

" _Real_ useful there, slimeball," Su drawled as she trotted past us.

" _AHH, SHADDAP!"_ Soundbite shot back.

"Huh. Nice lampshade," I commented idly.

"ARE YOU _**SERIOUS!?"**_ my partner snapped.

"What?" I blinked at him in surprise, pointing at the piece of furniture I was referring to. "It goes well with the wallpaper, that's all I'm saying."

The gastropod swung his eyes to where I was gesturing, then swung a flat stare back. " _I can't tell if you're A SMART ALECK OR JUST_ **really freaking stupid."**

"Yes," I answered as I exited the ruined manor. "Now, back to business—"

"Cross?"

I paused mid-step, taking a moment to shove down my frustrations at being interrupted, and turned back towards the voice. "What is it, Lola?"

I must not have managed to keep as much of the annoyance I felt out of my eyes as I'd intended, if the way the Captain flinched was anything to go by. "Ah, if this is a bad time—!"

I let out a hiss of exasperation and pinched the bridge of my nose, forcing myself to relax before addressing her again. "Sorry, sorry, I was just looking forwards to… _something._ But, in retrospect, I realize we've got a surplus of time on our hands right now, so I can talk. What's up?"

Lola perked up visibly at the reassurance and gave me her best grin. "Well, first off—"

"No, I won't marry you," I deadpanned, with… actually quite a bit of desperation in my voice, I'm not ashamed to admit.

"REJECTION NUMBER 4460!" chorused every Rolling Pirate in earshot, a call that echoed throughout the castle as it bounced from person to person.

"Well, it was worth a try," Lola shrugged before grinning anew. "Anyway… I actually wanted to ask for your advice on something. Assuming that the kings of insane plans don't mind hearing mine out?"

"Ma'am, you misconstrue us horribly! _Luffy_ is the grand supreme overlord of insanity." So saying, I swept my hat off and fell into a mock-bow. " _We_ are his humble generals. But still," I smirked as I straightened up and put my hat back on my skull. "You have our undivided attention."

"Heheh, fair enough," Lola chuckled in amusement before glancing away at the crowd of her crewmates. "Alright, I'll cut to the quick of it: Before today, I never really had a really solid plan in mind for what I'd do when I got my shadow back, because it all seemed so far off. Best I had was get us all a ship and hopefully burn this place to the ground before running for the hills. But… your talk on the SBS, the one that punted this whole thing off? It… inspired me." A grin slowly spread on her face. "In particular, that last line you said to the maid _really_ spoke to me: 'By daybreak, Thriller Bark won't even exist anymore'. And it got me thinking…"

Those words _really_ got my blood going. I leaned in, intent on whatever she had to say.

"Now that Moria and his lackeys have disappeared and the zombies are all gone, and like your little buddy said, with the rising sun the curse of this island is gone too… Well." She gestured eagerly at the ruins of the manor around us. "Just look at this place! I may have spent the better part of my stay here in the forest, and I may have hated every second of it, but now that we're in the sun again? Somehow, I actually think that this emptied out 'hell of shadows' doesn't seem like that bad of a place. And besides that… it's still completely seaworthy."

Suddenly, she threw her head back and barked out a harsh laugh. "I never would have even considered this before, but you Straw Hats… after meeting you, fighting with you? I feel like doing something _crazy_. As soon as my men have recovered and I get their OK, which I don't doubt I'll get? We're going to change up this whole island, from the ground up, and when we're through…"

Lola's grin was at the same time absolutely massive and incredibly vindictive. "We are going to spit and piss on the grave of Moria's dream in the most poetic way we can think of. We're going to take this prison of nightmares and darkness… and we're going to change it. We'll take this hell, and turn it into a heaven!" She spun around to face me and spread her arms wide with a mad cackle. "Feast your eyes, Jeremiah Cross, because you're looking at the future site of the biggest, boldest, and above all else _brightest_ pirate haven this world has _ever_ seen! And that's a promise on my pride as Captain 'Marriage Proposal' Lola!"

If my blood was racing before, it was positively _singing_ as she finished, my mind flashing over the sheer _awesome_ of what I had inspired. Destroying the enemy's base was all well and good, but _stealing it?_ Defiling it by _redeeming_ it!? I couldn't quite bring myself to do more than gape and grin at what was going on. I mean, the possibilities of having an entire island like this in the hands of an ally were _endless._ Of course, it'd be hard as hell for a single crew to pull off, no doubt, but—!

…but then… I had access to more means beyond my own crew, didn't I?

My lips slowly twisting into a maddened grin, I raised my hand and clapped it down on her shoulder. "Lola, your idea is a work of pure genius. But I think I can help you make it even _better."_ I stepped away and gestured for her to follow. "Come with me. I'd like to continue this in private, if we could."

Lola blinked at me in surprise before shrugging and following.

We walked for a minute or two, exiting out into the marginally clear—if rubble-strewn—courtyard of the ruins. Directed by Soundbite, we easily located the spot where Merry and Vivi had sequestered themselves. And going by how Merry was vibrating on the stone she'd pulled up and Vivi had her hands folded before her mouth in thought…

"I take it you heard all that?" I confirmed.

Vivi hummed in affirmation. "It's… certainly feasible. Places like Mock Town fall into hives of scum and villainy because of a lack of any central authority, but with the Rolling Pirates and whatever other survivors of Moria who join them running things…" She shrugged. "Plus, I can already tell you want to get Goat involved in this, so yes, I can see this place remaining respectable. What worries me are the resources, though…"

"Oh oh oh, that's _easy!"_ Merry hopped in place eagerly as she waved her hand in the air like a toddler on caffeine. "She can use the wrecks! There are _loads_ of sunken brothers and sisters in Thriller Bark's bottom! Some of them are rotten through, sure, but others were way way hardier, and their timbers and bodies are still good to go! Plus, I bet Ox can get _him_ to spare some muscle and skill to help with it, and Sagittarius probably has _loads_ of surplus he can funnel on the sly; we've got all we need!"

"Now, now, let's not get ahead of ourselves, we still need one last piece," I said, waving the hyperactive ship-girl down. Once Merry was down from 'ADHD chipmunk' to 'sugar high', I turned a serious face to Lola. "Captain Lola, from what I've seen thus far, I know for a fact that I can trust you. Implicitly, even. And with that in mind, I'd like to make you a proposition. _And not that kind._ "

"Damn," Lola swore, snapping her fingers. "Alright. You have my undivided attention."

"I would like to invite you into a…" I splayed my fingers against one another as I sought the right word. "Mutually beneficial alliance, of sorts, with our crew. An alliance that incorporates several other notable individuals, all on the down low, as you have no doubt gathered by now. Should you accept, not only would we be able to grant you the substantial resources you would require to accelerate the construction of your haven by a matter of…" I glanced questioningly at my co-conspirators.

"Years," Vivi offered.

"Decade to decades, easy," Merry corrected.

"But in the process!" I continued, starting to pace side to side. "We would also provide you with the extra manpower and liquid assets you would need to crew, govern, and maintain this behemoth of a paradise you envision. But of far more importance…" I tossed a mysterious grin her way. "You would be part of something _greater_ than either yourself or this new haven of yours. An undertaking, titanic in scale and scope, and extremely discreet in nature. And one whose goals, I believe, you would be _quite_ amenable to. And all that would be required for you to join this alliance…"

I offered my hand out to her.

"Would be for you to say _yes."_

"…I'm caught somewhere between seeing this coming a mile off and being utterly blindsided," Lola breathed as she stared at my hand. She then snapped a cautious stare at me. "Last time I accepted a free lunch, I walked right into hell itself. What's the catch?"

"Broad strokes would be that you help us in every capacity that a place like what you're envisioning has to offer, details will be specified once you join," Vivi returned smoothly, her gaze focused on her nails.

"And just in case you had any doubts, hopefully our presence here should make it clear that your closest confidants can be made aware of this arrangement," Merry sang, kicking her legs against her seat.

"Exploding offer, by the way," I warned her. "Technically goes bye-bye only when we leave the island, but the sooner you can—?"

"I am very interested, Cross," Lola interrupted. "And I'm certain that any investment involving you guys is going to pay off big time. So…" She grabbed my hand and shook it firmly. "Yes, I'll join. Now, about those details?"

I smiled, and wandered over to a nearby couple chunks of rubble, where I sat down and placed Soundbite before me. "Knucker, if you don't mind?"

" **Dialing now…"** the snail confirmed, and a few seconds later…

" _Pisces,"_ came a low voice.

"Ophiuchus," I responded. "I and mine are still alive—" I winced as the new scar in my side reminded me of its presence by throbbing painfully. "—Albeit pretty badly tenderized all around. Details later, but for now, I've got big news, on the scale of Sagittarius. Contact everyone who's available and call me back, and if Goat is occupied, tell him it's priority one. But stick to codenames until I say otherwise."

The line was silent for a moment.

" _I'll be back in a minute. KA-LICK!"_

There was a second of silence after Soundbite hung up, a second that Lola spent glancing around at my crewmates. "And you guys would be…?"

"Copperhead," Vivi offered.

"Cottonmouth~" Merry sang. "And Nami's Callie and Zoro's Sidewinder. You'll be learning a lot more soon, hope you've got a good memory!"

Lola nodded slowly in understanding. "And Luffy is…?"

"Uninvolved, but aware of our existence, as is the whole of the crew," I answered. "If they ask or really need to know we tell them, but…"

"They're focused on the adventure," Lola continued slowly. "While you deal with the wider world."

" **That's about the** LONG AND SKINNY _OF—_ PURU PURU PURU PURU!— _IT!"_ Soundbite agreed, interspersed with the ringing. " **Wow, that was quick! LET'S GET THIS—** PURU PURU PURU PURU!— _party started! KA-LICK!_ _ **And you are live!"**_

"Ladies, gentlemen, and assorted dregs of society!" I grandiosely proclaimed. "Ophiuchus checking in here, with Knucker, Copperhead and Cottonmouth at my side. Glad you all could make it, and I am just as glad to confirm for you all that _yes,_ we managed to kick Moria's hide. The SBS is currently delayed on doctor's orders in order to minimize the chances of the Marines coming calling for us while we're at a location they can readily access, but apart from that, we came out clean. So! Now that that's out of the way, who's present at the moment?"

" _I'm standing in for Cancer while he's off handling certain affairs,"_ Tashigi explained. " _Capricorn is occupied with her present assignment, which is apparently quite urgent, Sagittarius is on vacation for his anniversary, and both halves of Ox are occupied with their project."_

" _Leaving Pisces, Aquarius, and myself on the side of the Divine,"_ T-Bone wheezed. " _And Rooster and Monkey on the side of the Damned, with Goat present as well as per your request."_

" _And authority matters aside, this had better be important; you made me walk away from a—! From some very important matters, and I'm iffy about letting P—! My second call the shots on it!"_ Foxy growled.

"Worth it for all involved, not to worry," I assured him. "For the sake of not watching our words for too long, I'll get straight to the point: I've found a new candidate for the Damned, and she's standing next to me right now."

" _Well, of course, Heaven forbid we actually recruit anyone notable without your help,"_ Apoo groaned good-naturedly.

" _Chalk another one up for the Straw Hats! Haha!"_ Bartolomeo cackled.

" _I resent those implications!"_ Tashigi petulantly protested. " _Heck, I'll even have you know that Cancer and I have recruited a new possible addition to the Cleaners."_

"Only possible?" Merry asked 'innocently'.

Soundbite ground 'his' teeth for a second before slumping. "… _we're still convincing the stubborn little bastard, shut up."_

"As much as I'd love to use this to torment you, are you sure we can trust whoever this is? Where did you recruit him from?" I asked.

Tashigi snapped 'her' eyes up, but not soon enough to hide the gleam of murder in them. " _It's a very long story, weirder than some of the shit_ your _crew has done, and I've already had to tell it twice, and one of those times was tastefully redacted to hell and back. I'll give you the quick version after we deal with why you called in the first place. So! Who are we considering for membership here?"_

Taking that cue as it was presented, I nodded to Lola, and she stepped up and announced herself. "'Marriage Proposal' Lola, Captain of the Rolling Pirates. My crew and I have been Moria's prisoners for the last three years, and are now free again thanks to the Straw Hat Pirates. I've chosen to claim Thriller Bark for my own now that Moria's curse is gone, and I intend to transform it from a hell to all sailors into a haven for all pirates, where they can dock, resupply, and overall enjoy themselves to their hearts' content. It's… it'll be a hard endeavor, I know, but—!"

" _Full approval!"_ Apoo, Bartolomeo, and Foxy all shouted at once.

" _No more going to Mock Town~!"_ Foxy sang joyously.

" _No more dealing with those assholes~!"_ Apoo sang in the same tone.

" _This is gonna be sweet!"_ Bartolomeo cackled in finale.

"' _Sagittarius-grade', he said…"_ Tashigi grumbled, before sighing. " _Alright, how much has Cross told you about us?"_

"Only that you have the resources to sponsor my efforts, that the scope of your undertaking is literally global, and I think that if I couldn't figure out that this is a one-way street, I would be _way_ too stupid to be a part of this," Lola answered, ticking the points off on her fingers.

" _Then allow me to be more specific,"_ Tsuru cut in. " _We are a secret organization known as the New World Masons, assembled largely as a result of the efforts of Jeremiah Cross. Law enforcers and outlaws alike comprise our forces, allied for the same purpose: destroying the World Government and creating a world of freedom for all in its place, whether the 'all' refers to civilians or those pirates who aren't utterly amoral monstrosities… whose existence we few keepers of the peace have come to acknowledge."_

Lola's eyes went wide as she took that news in. For several seconds, she was silent. Then her eyes hardened, and she nodded.

"I owe my life to the Straw Hat Pirates, and I've lived with a boot on my neck for the past three years," the Rolling Pirate Captain stated firmly. "Safe to say that the idea of a world of freedom is a _damn_ appealing goal to me. If I accept, what do you expect of me?"

" _Off the top of my head, the duties that would be expected of you would be simple enough,"_ the elderly Vice Admiral explained. " _Setting up a pirate haven as you are, you will be expected to screen any pirates that come through, identifying potential recruits for the future as well as any pirates that would be best off arrested, and passing the knowledge on to us associated with justice. Discreetly, of course, so as to avoid losing the faith of your clientele. We will also expect for the law enforcers among our number to be able to take refuge on your island if necessary, incognito of course. And naturally, you are expected to inform all subordinates you have that you can trust and swear them to secrecy. There may be other requirements, but those are the immediate ones."_

Lola didn't hesitate before nodding this time. "That sounds reasonable. Alright, I accept."

" _ **Excellent.**_ _Your codename_ **will be 'RABBIT,'"** Soundbite piped in, his grin ear-to-ear.

Lola slowly nodded in acceptance, while I sent him a curious look. "I don't mind that, but why?"

" _ **BECAUSE**_ _HER NAME_ IS LOLA!" Soundbite snickered.

I hung my head with a tortured groan while a chorus of palm-flesh meeting face echoed across the connection, accompanied by a general rumble of " _Don't ask…"_

Moving past the maddening in-joke, we proceeded to inform Lola of the current leadership roster, as well as the secret of my success. As we did so, she started gnawing on her thumb with a look of intense thought, her face screwed up in concentration. And then, when we were done…

Lola raised her head to look at me, her face… no, her entire _body_ blank, devoid of any tells. "What, exactly," she asked in a voice as blank as the rest of her. "Do you know about me?"

As off-putting as the sudden shift was, I was still able to just shrug as I responded.

"Not a lot; Nami befriended your shadow's zombie in the story, and you by extension, and you gave her a Vivre Card that belonged to your mother, saying she was a powerful pirate in the New World. The only candidate we knew of at the time was Big Mom, so there was a lot of speculation that you were talking about her, but… eh." I waved my hand dismissively. "There are bound to be countless others, so wishful thinking, right?"

Lola's blank expression quivered, her fists clenching and unclenching as sweat shone on her brow. Finally, she heaved a weary sigh and seemed to slouch in place. "You all have trusted me… so I'm going to trust you when I tell you that you're wrong. That's not wishful thinking in the least."

The air practically _shattered_ it froze so fast.

" _You're not serious…"_ Tashigi breathed, eyes wide in shock.

"No, I'm as serious as a heart attack," Lola said, shaking her head. "I apologize for not doing so sooner, but now that you all have introduced yourselves to me, I shall do the same in full: My name is _Charlotte_ Lola. I am the 23rd daughter of the Charlotte Family. The 23rd daughter of the only woman amongst the Four Emperors of the New World, and the ruler of the archipelago of Totland. I am the daughter… of Charlotte 'Big Mom' Linlin."

Dead. Silence.

Apoo was the first to react.

" _Apa… You are_ not _a guy who does things in halves, huh, Cross?"_ he swallowed heavily.

"No _shit_ …" I breathed right back, barely able to keep my jaw functioning.

On the side of the Divine, meanwhile, Tsuru was the first to recover, and eyed Lola with intense gravity. " _Under any other circumstances I would question your loyalty, and rightly so… but giving up a piece of Charlotte Linlin's soul, which the Marines have literally_ killed _to try and obtain for the past three decades, to an outsider without asking for anything in return is enough to arrest my suspicions. Nevertheless, I must insist you share your story with us. A necessity, you understand; the last thing we need is for any nasty surprises to rear their heads down the line."_

Lola sighed irritably, though thankfully it didn't appear to be directed at the Vice Admiral. "I left home for love… and a bit of self-preservation. A prince from another kingdom fell in love with me, and Mama was ready to give me away for the sake of the alliance that the marriage would seal; it's a common practice in our family, but I've never liked it. I left in the dead of the night…"

Lola scowled darkly, though there was _definitely_ an undertone of terror in her expression, too. "And I've worked to keep my head down since then to make sure that those _psychotic bastards_ I called siblings don't come looking for me. And trust me, that's _not_ an exaggeration. My brothers and sisters are some of the strongest pirates in all the New World, and while I might love my mother, she _fosters_ ruthlessness and violence in our upbringing." The New Worlder sighed wistfully as she gazed into the half-mist laden sky. "She wouldn't seriously harm her own blood, but if _they_ ever found out where I, a traitor to the family was…"

She shuddered before violently shaking her head. "From the time I left until the time I was captured by Moria, I've been laying low in Paradise looking for a husband. None but those who've been with me since the New World know my full name, and none have used it since we crossed into Paradise. Until our operations move into the New World—"

"Not _for awhile, I can tell you that much,"_ T-Bone coughed.

"—then I don't see my identity coming into play much." Lola scowled and slapped a hand to her forehead. "Though I'll have to _not_ advertise on the SBS lest they recognize my voice and come looking, damn it…"

There was a few seconds of silence as everyone digested the tale we'd just heard. And theeeen…

" _BWAAAAAAH!"_

"GAH!" Lola, Vivi and I all flinched in shock when both Merry and Soundbite suddenly started bawling their eyes out.

"The _hell—?!"_ I questioned incredulously.

"Th-That's so saaaad!" Merry wailed, Franky's influence shining through as she wiped away at her tears and _copious_ snot. "Having to abandon your own f-f-family to find lo-o-ove… don't give up, Big Sis Lola!"

"Riiiight…" I saw a sweatdrop bloom on Vivi's head as she glanced at Soundbite. "And as for you—?"

"BLAME THE HIJACKERS!" the gastropod snarled through his tears.

" _To think such t-t-tragedies could actually occur,"_ Tashigi wept, lip quivering. " _Oh, you poor woman! Pirate or not, nobody deserves such a fate!"_

" _IT'S JUST LIKE ONE OF MY NANNA'S ROMANCE NO-O-OVELS!"_ bawled… _Bartolomeo!?_

" _Ye gods of the sea, Bartolomeo, pull yourself together,"_ Foxy muttered uncomfortably.

" _Have you no pride as a man!?"_ Apoo demanded.

"Oooh, I dunno." An eager grin slowly slid across Lola's face, and she slowly sauntered her way up to Soundbite. "I quite like men who are sensitive! It's a good quality to have! You know… in a _husb—?"_

" **BRO-TO-BRO ALERT:** _ **HELLS NO!"**_ Soundbite squawked in panic.

Lola's widened, and she tried to wave Soundbite off. "Hey, wait a—!"

" _Hells no."_

" _Not happening!"_

" _THE SEA IS MY ONLY MISTRESS!"_

"…sonnuva!" Lola spat.

"HEY, RISKIES!" I called towards the party that was happening a little ways away. "REJECTIONS 4461 THROUGH 4463, ALL AT THE SAME TIME!" The party roared with laughter and a sudden burst of energy in response.

"Damn it, you little bastard, that was the closest I've gotten in years!" Lola snarled at my snail.

" **Sorry, bro-code.** _ **Didn't have a choice!"**_ my partner sneered in response.

"Slimy piece of—!"

" _And I thought we were getting good headway on serious business…"_ T-Bone sighed wistfully.

" _Quite,"_ Tsuru tersely bit out, her tone dry but… matronly? Nevertheless, it served to quiet the sobbers, and she then turned her attention on Lola, her gaze somewhat softening? What the…?

" _Lola… you truly believe that your mother wouldn't wish you ill?"_

"Eh? I don't believe it, I know it," Lola blinked, clearly confused by the question. "We're her children. Charlotte Linlin is a very dangerous pirate, I know that better than anyone, but she'd never harm us, her children. It's a fact."

Tsuru gnawed on her lip for a second before lowering her gaze. "… _two years ago, the Marines received an SOS message from within the boundaries of the Totland Archipelago. The sender identified herself as one Charlotte Macarron, the—"_

"27th daughter, one of my younger sisters when I left, though I don't doubt Mother's had more!" Lola completed in a rush. "She was also one of the kinder and saner of my siblings! She sent out an SOS!? Why?"

" _Essentially, the same as you: Macarron desired to leave the Charlotte Family and your mother's crew, and she was even willing to defect to the Marines to see it through."_

"Macarron…" Lola pinched the bridge of her nose, the following words tight. "She was always sweet, but never too bright. If she used an SOS, that means my family picked up on it too. She never made it, did she?"

" _I regret to inform you that that is the case,"_ Tsuru nodded solemnly. " _I was part of the detachment that sought her out at the edge of your mother's territory. We found her charred remains exactly where she said she'd wait for us."_

"Charred…" Lola repeated before scowling furiously. "Opera or Oven, one of those bastards."

" _Unfortunately… that is not the case."_

The New Worlder blinked in surprise. "…eh? What do you—?"

" _We did not just find her charred remains, Captain Lola."_ Tsuru gazed dead into the Charlotte daughter's eyes through my snail's. " _We found her remains in the middle of a tract of land that had been_ incinerated _. Not just her, but everything around her for fifteen metres was reduced to ash."_

"What?" Lola blinked again. "Wait, but that's not right, none of my siblings are capable of _that_ level of destruction. The only thing in the Charlotte Family that could do that would be—!" And just like that Lola _paled,_ her face going white as a sheet. "P-P-Prometheus…" she breathed weakly. "B-But he could only—! Th-That would mean—!"

" _Prometheus would only utilize its powers in such a manner on Charlotte Linlin's explicit orders,"_ Tsuru finished gravely. " _I am sorry, Lola, but the facts cannot be changed: Your mother murdered her own daughter, your sister, in cold blood. And I have no doubt in my mind that if given the chance, she would do the same to you in an instant."_

Silence fell, in which I could see that my partner and my co-conspirators were coming to a similar conclusion regarding Big Mom that I was. To be specific? Even if we somehow unintentionally butterflied away Luffy declaring war against her as he did in canon, I was going to be waving _this_ little tidbit and whatever else I could in front of him to _guarantee_ that her little culinary wonderland _burned._

A sudden scream interrupted my murderous thoughts, as did the sudden sound of stone crumbling. Lola had ignored the swords on her back in favor of slamming her fist into—

_CRASH!_

—strike that, _through_ the nearest stone wall. It crumbled to pieces, but she remained in place, her face shadowed and her shoulders heaving with every furious, shuddering breath she took.

"… _Upon further thought, we certainly don't need to focus so much on serious business,"_ T-Bone said quietly.

"No!" Lola bit out as she snapped her head around, glaring daggers at the Captain through my snail. "No, I'll have time to mourn and rage and swear vengeance later. Right now…" She took a deeper, more calming breath, dragging a hand down her face as she fought quite admirably to suppress her rage. "Vice Admiral Tsuru, I thank you for informing me and relieving me of my misconceptions. Now, back to business."

" _Indeed,"_ Foxy cut in. " _I see now why I, specifically, was called here; I have no shortage of manpower under my command, and conveniently enough, I find myself in sudden and dire need of a large-scale_ punishment duty."

There was silence as everyone digested that, before Tashigi spoke up. " _Um, is there anything we should know about—"_

" _Oh, nothing, just a mutiny,"_ Foxy informed us with a casual—if twitchy—grin.

"That doesn't sound like nothing!" Merry yelped in panic.

" _Ah, no, let me clarify. It was a mutiny, that was an utter_ INSULT _to proper mutinies on all six oceans! Who posts a_ notice _that they're going to mutiny THREE DAYS IN ADVANCE?!"_

Lola blinked in surprise, shocked clean out of her earlier dark thoughts. "Er… are you sure that these guys aren't, too, ah… well, are you sure that they'd be of use here? Or… anywhere?"

" _Actually, they're perfect for it,"_ Foxy huffed with a shake of his head. " _They didn't put up the notice because they're idiots; they put it up because their sense of protocol and decorum is through the roof. It's not intellect that they lack but common sense. So putting them to work in construction along with whatever other shipwrights and craftsmen I can spare, which is a substantial number? You ought to make quite a lot of headway in very little time."_

" _And tack on the resources that Navarone and Water 7 oughta be able to funnel your way too, with enough time? Fuhget about it!"_ Apoo cackled eagerly. " _Your place'll be up and spitting in the face of the Marines in no time, apapapa—!"_

"If it even lasts a day, that is…"

"Eh?" I blinked in surprise, me and everyone else present all turning our attention on Vivi, the princess's head bowed in deep thought. "What do you mean?"

"Well…" This was serious, she was worrying at her thumbnail. "I'm sorry that this only occurred to me now, but… even _with_ the resources to build the haven Lola's proposing, what about the way to _protect_ it? I mean, think about it: the only reason that the Marines haven't levelled Mock Town by now is that, as we've pointed out, it is a _hellhole_ that's rotting into the ground and not worth the gunpowder it'd take to level it. Also, the pirates would just throw it back up anyway. The joys of the cheap wooden buildings.

"An _organized_ , well-fortified haven, on the other hand?" She shook her head in denial. "Even if it didn't come from hijacking one of the Warlords' home islands, the World Government wouldn't take the founding of such a place lying down, and secrecy isn't an option as that would defeat the purpose of a haven. Am I wrong?"

There was a moment of silence as we all pondered that, followed by all of us groaning in concert.

"Damn it…" Lola sagged in frustration.

"Come on…" Merry growled as she yanked her hood down over her face.

" _Seriously!?"_ Bartolomeo groaned miserably. " _I wanted a new watering hole that was actually_ worth _a damn! Is that so much to ask for!?"_

" _In this world? Apparently so,"_ T-Bone groused.

" _So, what, this whole thing is dead in the water until we can get a fleet or something to protect this place, or…?"_ Apoo trailed off uncertainly.

" _OH, IT WON'T BE A PROBLEM!"_

I blinked in confusion, glancing down at my snail. "You have an idea?"

" _ **IDEA SHIT, I GOT A SOLUTION!"**_ he grinned eagerly. " _ **The defense of this place will**_ **STAY THE SAME AS IT'S ALWAYS BEEN, but better!** WE'VE JUST GOTTA _strike a deal_ _with_ THE FLORIAN TRIANGLE, _**TO KEEP**_ **THE ISLAND** _**safe."**_

"… _What,"_ was the general response.

"I second that emotion, this is the first _I've_ heard of this," I said, staring down at the invertebrate with a complete lack of understanding. "Care to share?"

" _YEEEAAAH, SEE, HERE'S THE THING,"_ Soundbite swung his eyestalks side to side in a would-be gesture of innocence. " **Remember how I woke up once dawn broke?** _ **I didn't wake up at dawn, I WOKE UP AN HOUR EARLIER.**_ BUT I DIDN'T TELL YA _because I recently met and was chatting up_ **A NEW FRIEND OF MINE!"**

"And… that friend would be…?" Merry slowly queried, hesitation clear on her face.

Soundbite glanced over his shell, towards the fog of the Florian that was still hanging over half the island, and started whistling a few notes, that almost sounded like—?

"Is that… Binks' Brew?" I questioned incredulously. "What are you—?"

" _YEAAAAAARGH!"_

"Wha— _GAH!"_ I was almost bowled clean over by our tyke-sized helmsgirl suddenly pulling a facehugger and latching onto my face with a screech of terror. "SONNUVA—GET! OFF! OF! _GAH!"_ I wrenched her off my head and held her flailing form at arms length. "What the hell, brat!?"

"B-B-B-BIG! _BIIIIG!"_ she shrieked in response, flailing her arm frantically in the fog's general direction. I saw Vivi staring in the same direction, a petrified look on her face that looked… familiar? Oh, yeah, I'd seen her look like that back when we saw the Skypieans when they… were…

Dreading that I knew exactly what I would see, I slowly turned around, faced the mist…

And there they were.

"…Cross, please tell me this is another trick of the light, _please,"_ Vivi whimpered fearfully, looking to be two seconds away from falling to her knees.

"I only wish…" I whispered breathlessly, not daring to move even a muscle. "And for those of you who aren't here to see? We're currently staring up at a trio of, ah, _silhouettes_ who are staring down at us with glowing red eyes. And when I say up…" I forced myself to swallow, a futile action with a bone-dry mouth. "Thriller Bark is about the size of a gnat compared to them. Making us gnats on a gnat's ass."

" _Holy shit…"_ Tashigi breathed, terror infecting her voice even over a hundred miles away.

" _ **Ladies and gentlemen,"**_ Soundbite had the nerve to purr in _Rod freaking Serling's_ cool and collected monotone, his teeth never shifting from their mysterious yet impish grin. " _ **Allow me to introduce you all to the three thirds that compose the Florian Triangle's tripartite consciousness. An entity that is several in its aetherial bodies, yet singular in its overmind. The undisputed lords of all that lies within their boundaries. What you gaze upon… are the Obelisks of the Florian."**_ The snail's smile took on a _lot_ more of his usual shit-eating gleam. " _FOR THE RECORD, I SUGGEST YOU ALL SAY HI._ AFTER ALL…"

The fog-enshrouded horizon suddenly seemed to ripple and writhe, and the humans present all shuddered as the wind picked up into a light gale that sounded almost like a moan.

" **They just did! HEEHEEHEE** _hoohoohooHAHAHA!"_

After a few stunned seconds, Vivi, ever the diplomat, hesitantly raised an arm and waved to the Obelisks.

A moment later, she proceeded to faint as one of the Obelisks suddenly sprouted a limb-analog and mirrored the action.

"…Soundbite. Speak," I managed to choke out as I fought to keep my terror energizing rather than debilitating. " _Fast."_

" **Funny you should mention speaking,"** the little demon chuckled. "REMEMBER THE LAST TIME _I heard something speak_ **WHEN I HAD NO EARTHLY RIGHT TO?"**

I choked out _some_ kind of noise as I made the connection. "You're hearing them through the Voice of All Things…"

" _Hmmph… I suppose that I should have seen_ that _ability coming back to the fore where this crew is involved…"_ Tsuru muttered.

" **EEEXACTLY!"** Soundbite nodded proudly. " _See, while I was sleeping off my exhaustion,_ _ **the Triangle slipped its way into MY DREAMS—!"**_

"BAAAAAH!"

I jumped when a bleat suddenly erupted from Merry, who I was still holding by her hood… and who was now staring dead ahead stiff as a board? Wait a second… I tapped her cheek and adopted a deadpan expression when her whole body swung in my grip. "Aaaand Merry's just pulled a fainting goat on us. Apparently she draws the line at eldritch abominations—"

The winds howled again.

"—Sorry, eldritch… gentle-abominations?"

Aaaand now it was a whistle.

"Eldritch gentle-abominations being capable of infiltrating our dreams."

Foxy 'surreptitiously' coughed out a laugh.

"Oh, like you wouldn't do the same thing?" I snapped irritably as I laid Merry out to sleep her terror off.

From the wet spluttering sound that came over the connection, that shut him up.

" _AAAANYWAYS,"_ Soundbite rolled his eyes with a snicker of amusement. " **THEY GOT IN MY HEAD,** _ **woke me up, and I was chatting them up FOR AN HOUR BEFORE THE SUN ROSE.**_ I WAS PLANNING ON SAYING SOMETHING LATER, BUT THIS JUST MAKES THINGS EASIER! **Neat, huh?"**

"Can… Can we get back to the deal you were mentioning earlier?" Lola asked weakly. "These… things, these Obelisks, the Triangle as a whole, it'll… _protect_ the island?"

" _UH-HUH!"_ Soundbite nodded firmly. " _AND MORE! SEE, BEFORE, THE FLORIAN NEVER MOVED_ **from where it is because it** _ **didn't feel like it, and as such MORIA KEPT THRILLER BARK FLOATING**_ _within the triangle's confines._ **BUT TAKE THE DEAL, AND THE FLORIAN** WILL FOLLOW THE ISLAND WHEREVER IT SHALL FLOAT, _**obscuring it from any who might seek to DO IT HARM!**_ _NEAT, HUH?"_

Lola took a second to mull that over before glancing warily up at the Obelisks. "And… what would they want in return?"

"THAT'S THE EASIEST PART OF ALL: _JACK SHIT YOU WON'T_ _ **ALREADY BE DOING!"**_

" _Uh, come again?"_ Barty questioned incredulously.

" _ **It's all about how the Florian itself works, see?"**_ Soundbite raised his eyestalks in a proud manner. " **See, there's a bit of a misconception about the Triangle we all hold:** _it's NOT evil or dead. RATHER… THE FLORIAN TRIANGLE IS A MIRROR, REFLECTING THAT WHICH IT HOLDS."_

" _Come again, again?"_ Barty requested. " _Clearer this time?"_

"ALRIGHT, LOOK, IT'S LIKE THIS!" Soundbite rolled his eyes with a huff. "THE TRIANGLE INGESTS AND REFLECTS EMOTIONS! _**Way back when it was first found, people were**_ **afraid of it because it looked creepy, AND SO IT REFLECTED AN AURA OF TERROR AND, EVENTUALLY, DEATH.** _ **AND WHEN MORIA SET UP SHOP AND CREATED THE HORROR HOUSE OF THRILLER BARK,**_ _the Florian reflected the darkness and terror being exuded, and was locked in the state that it's held for the past ten years._ AND IF YOU JUST LEFT, ITS REPUTATION WOULD KEEP IT LOCKED THAT WAY _FOR ALL TIME…_ _ **BUUUUUT…"**_ Soundbite leant his head towards me with a conspiratorial grin. " _ **WE ALREADY KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT.**_ **WANT ME TO SHOW YA?"**

I tried to respond, but found that I couldn't due to the words dying the second they left my mouth. Actually… that wasn't the only sound that died: _all_ sound in the courtyard slammed to a dead halt, and was promptly replaced by a _barrage_ of sound.

" _Gather up all of the crew!_

_It's time to ship out Binks' brew!_

_Sea wind blows. To where?_

_Who knows?_

_The waves will be our guide!"_

The noise from the party going on a short distance away suddenly became the only thing that we could hear. And as it filled the air, I was treated to the most surreal sight that I had seen in all my life: The Obelisks of the Florian, the _second_ most powerful eldritch beings I'd ever met in my life (so help me God, I actually have to _make_ that distinction) had all shifted in color.

Or rather, the _entire_ Florian Triangle had shifted along the color spectrum. The horizon encompassing fog rippled, and gradually but swiftly (somehow), it shifted from a bruised, eery purple, to a bright and radiant yellow. A yellow I recognized, even: it was the same shade the fog had turned to when our crew had started singing Binks' Brew while we were sailing through it!

Before our dumbstruck eyes, tendrils of the mist snaked down into the courtyard and metamorphosed, taking the forms of… of _people,_ dozens of them, dancing and celebrating and having an all around good time. It was, it was _surreal._

"Ugh… what's with the noi—WAAAAAaaahuh?"

I glanced to the side and grinned cheekily at the sight of a newly reawakened Merry and Vivi gaping up at the sky. "Enjoying the show?"

"Are _you?!"_ Merry retorted, jabbing her finger at the Triangle.

Following where she was indicating, I found that she was right: I most definitely hadn't been. For you see, not only had the Obelisk's palette changed in such away that their 'bodies' were yellow and their eyes were a light blue and shaped like happy, upside down U's, but they were also moving, swaying side to side almost as if—

"They're dancing…" Vivi breathed in awe.

" **I'll say it again,"** Soundbite whispered reverentially. " _THE FLORIAN IS A MIRROR. IF IT IS SHOWN FEAR, IT WILL REFLECT NOTHING_ BUT _FEAR._ BUT OFFER IT A HEART FULL OF SONG AND GOOD WILL, _**offer it cheer and joy and LIFE… AND IT WILL REFLECT IT TENFOLD."**_

"And that's what we'll be doing…" Lola breathed, staring up at the dancing entities with newfound respect. "So long as we keep our haven bright and full of life, then it'll stay with us and protect us so that it can stay the same way…"

She then frowned in concern. "But… even if the Florian _does_ stay this way, bright and cheerful, that doesn't mean it'll be pleasant. My crew and I, we've just spent _three years_ locked in its sunless shadows. Even without the fog's gloom, I…" She grimaced and clutched at her sleeve. "I don't know if I can _willingly_ go back to that."

The winds sang and whistled eagerly in response.

" _ **Easily fixed,"**_ Soundbite said, waving his eyestalk dismissively. " **LOOK UP!"**

And indeed, those of us present did just that, and were treated to the sight of the fog centered directly overhead of the island receding to give way to an unobstructed view of the sky.

" **Like I said, the Florian has perfect control of itself.** YOUR SUNRISES AND SETS WILL ALWAYS BE A BIT BLURRY, AND THE HORIZON'S A NO-GO IF YOU WANNA STAY SAFE, BUT APART FROM THAT? _You'll never miss the sky again…_ _ **UNLESS THERE'S A STORM OR SOMETHING, AT WHICH POINT YOU'RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK."**_

And just like that, Lola's face lit up, a grin stretching from ear to ear. "If that's the case, then I couldn't be happier to accept! Even Mama is unnerved by the Triangle, I won't have to worry about keeping my head down anymore! This is going to be great!"

Going by the way the Obelisks waved and whistled, I'd say they agreed with gusto.

" _Well, I, for one, am glad that this matter has been settled,"_ T-Bone sighed in relief. " _Now, seeing as the matter of our latest base of operations no longer has any obvious issues to address, shall we move on to other matters? We have managed to assemble quite the agenda since our last meeting."_

" _Actually, before we move onto that other crap!"_ Bartolomeo butted in. " _I wanna stay in the here and now for a bit! You can't possibly tell me that I'm the only one here who wants to know the story of the Straw Hats beating Moria!"_

_That_ drew a wince out of all of us present.

"Don't sound so eager, Barty," Merry warned him somberly. "This run around? The ass-whipping ratio was _way_ skewed out of our favor."

That little proclamation cast a gloomy pallor over our fellow Masons.

" _Do you…_ actually _want to talk about this?"_ Tashigi asked in a gentle voice.

I clicked my tongue as I clamped a hand down on my suddenly throbbing side. "Want to? I'd rather forget this day ever happened. But… we'll tell you anyways. Let's start at the beginning, with our plan…"

**-o-**

"And… that was pretty much it," I concluded with a defeated sigh. "We woke up a few hours ago and we've only just managed to piece ourselves together enough to start throwing a victory party. So… yeah, _not_ the most fun 24 hours of my life, I can tell you that much. Word to the wise, if anyone sees Moria? Shoot first, ask questions never. The world will be better once we're certain he's _out_ of it."

" _Apapa… I can't even imagine it…"_ Apoo said, incredulity and awe in his voice. " _To pull off everything you did and then take down a monster like that… Kidd's an asshole, but damn if he wasn't right: your crew is the gold standard for this generation of pirates."_

"Fancy words," Merry winced as she cradled her cast. "Doesn't stop the fact that we all feel like we were used as kickballs."

"You say gold standard, I have a few other choice words…" Vivi agreed, gripping her abdomen's scar.

" _Well, at least you all managed to survive. It is better to survive, even in pain, so that one might live to fight again."_

" _ **You're the last person**_ **I wanna hear that from,** _**WAX-FACE!"**_ Soundbite snorted.

" _If we may proceed,"_ Tsuru cut in, quieting any further commentary. " _Jeremiah Cross, I've heard many rumors over the years pertaining to the Warlord Bartholomew Kuma, but I am afraid that they are just that: rumors. Whatever truth there is pertaining to him or whatever contract he holds with the World Government, it is held at the highest levels of confidence. All I know for certain pertaining to the man is his previous affiliation with the Revolutionary Army—"_

"Not relevant right now," I cut in, what with Vivi and Merry gaping at me.

" _And his Devil Fruit. Can you shed any light upon his true nature?"_

I grumbled uncertainly, scratching at the back of my head. "Can't help you with much, I'm afraid, he was still a major mystery when I left, along with Vegapunk himself."

" _Who is jealously guarded by the World Government, above any Marine's head, blast…"_ Tsuru tsked. " _I would have liked to know how far his modifications go…"_

"Now that I _can_ tell you!" I informed her. "But it's _not_ good news. To call Kuma a cyborg like Franky would be grossly inaccurate, because not only is Kuma leagues more advanced than Franky… he's more machine, too."

I bowed my head solemnly. "Back in my world, we had a word for what's happening: Kuma's being _cannibalized_ by his upgrades. Piece by piece, the man known as 'The Tyrant' Bartholomew Kuma is being devoured by technology. Flesh and blood, replaced by metal and oil. And his brain… _literally_ hardwired into complete and total loyalty to the World Government. In another month or two, Bartholomew Kuma will be dead; all that will be left in his place is a Devil Fruit-empowered android that will follow the World Government's every command. The ultimate soldier of justice: PX-0, the original Pacifista."

There was a horrified silence as everyone processed _that_ little tidbit.

And then, Tashigi swallowed heavily and spoke with a voice full of dread. " _The…_ original _Pacifista?"_

I nodded grimly. "He's the _prototype._ The first of an entire program of unstoppable, unkillable soldiers meant to uphold justice without hesitation or remorse, all molded in Kuma's image. They're not easy to make, mind you; to my knowledge, the budget for building one is the same as a Marine battleship, so the damage and fallout from Enies Lobby may have cut down on their numbers… but…" My fingers curled into fists as memories of fire and hell wafted through my mind. "They still found the money to build two _dozen,_ and you know as well as I do that they'll acquire however much they need to make more. Mark my words: the future is plated in metal, and it is marching forward every day."

Another span of silence. " _So… what you're telling us,"_ Foxy bit out uncomfortably. " _Is that the World Government is modifying other humans the same way that they're modifying Kuma, turning them into—?"_

"Thankfully, _no,"_ I said with a sigh of relief. "From what I remember of what Sentomaru said when he took a few out for a test drive? Kuma was the only upgraded human. The rest were all built around corpses. Makes sense, really," I sneered derisively. "After all, you know what they say: Dead men tell no tales… nor do they ask any questions."

Going by the way Soundbite's face twisted up, I'm _guessing_ he was showing Tashigi's expression now. " _I'd… I'd_ really _like nothing more than to move on from this_ right this instant, _but… but before we do…"_ She took a calming breath before giving me a hard look. " _Why didn't you mention this sooner, Cross? We might not have anyone in Vegapunk's labs, but scuttlebutt still exists, and we could have tried keeping an ear out for missing corpses, to estimate how many Pacifistas have been generated. This isn't exactly a bad thing, but… I just have to know, Cross: why wait until now to tell us about them?"_

I found myself left completely flat-footed by the question. I thought as hard as I could about it, plumbing my mind for an answer, and unfortunately, there was only one response I could give. On that was weak, even to me, and yet _terrifying._ "I… hadn't really thought about it until now."

Tashigi heaved a weary sigh. " _Cross—!"_

"Or, rather…" I grimaced as I brought a hand up to tap furtively at my temple. "I _forgot_ about them."

And if _that_ didn't damn well freeze the air solid.

"C-Cross," Vivi breathed in horror. "Are you trying to tell me that—?"

"No no, not _that_ bad!" I quickly assured her. "I remember the plot of the story just fine, _that's_ easy, but… well…" I glanced away sheepishly. "Vivi, it's been almost a _year_ since I last read the source material. I can remember the plot with ease, but details… are you telling me that _any_ of you can recall the exact wording of a page from a book you read a _week_ ago?"

"Quite easily, yes," a voice offered from my shoulder.

"Beat it, ya photographic-memoried freak o' nature."

" _Everyone has a photographic memory, Jeremiah Cross. The difference is how quickly the photos degrade,"_ Tsuru said, and I could _hear_ the smirk in her voice. As could everyone else, judging by the snickers.

"I have a foghorn and I'm not afraid to use it," I growled, bringing _that_ little episode to a close.

" _In all seriousness, Cross, I think our newest Cleaner may be able to help… if Cancer can convince him to come with us,"_ Tashigi grumbled, before shaking her head. " _His abilities are a bit… esoteric, and you're not gonna have a fun time experiencing them, but if anyone can help_ literally _refresh your memories? Next to someone with a mind-based Devil Fruit, it'd be him."_

"Uh, excuse me?" Lola said, raising her hand. "What do you mean by Cleaners?"

" _We cannot risk the knowledge of our organization spreading to hostile ears, so the few among our number capable of hypnosis or otherwise brainwashing have been tasked with ensuring that no such leaks occur by wiping the minds of any who should learn of us without being truly loyal to the cause, but who would also be best kept alive,"_ Tsuru explained. " _And on a related note, I am grateful that you suggested forming such a group, Mister Cross. Were it not for your suggestion that I be a bit more innovative with my ability, I would have had to do something quite regretful a week ago."_

"Oh?" I leaned forward. "Care to share, Vice Admiral?"

" _I would."_ Tsuru rolled her neck slightly before continuing. " _A week ago, I was approached by another Marine who had discovered our existence much like I had, and asked to join our ranks. This Marine was Vice Admiral Komei, one of my success stories; he didn't show much promise when he was recruited, but I allowed his commission to go through for his dedication, if nothing else, and he has more than repaid that faith over time. He's an honorable man, decent even, and a strong proponent for the strength of the common man; through ingenious tactics and his own rigorous training, he's downed even the most powerful ability users who have the misfortune of making an enemy of him."_

" _A genius tactician, eh? Sounds like a Marine after my own heart,"_ Foxy whistled admirably.

" _A genius, a powerhouse, and an all-around incredible leader! Vice Admiral Komei, aka 'White Feather' Komei, is one of the most respected Marines alive!"_ Tashigi gushed ecstatically, sounding on the verge of outright _squeeing_. " _You mean to tell me he's a Mason now!?"_

" _Hmph, not in this lifetime. I wiped his memory and sent him on his way almost as soon as he made the proposition,"_ Tsuru snorted dryly.

"… _eh?"_ Tashigi blinked dumbly, her smile frozen in place.

" _Why would you—?! Ooooh…"_ Foxy grimaced in realization. " _Right, a tactician I would like, meaning… intellect combined with an enormous survival instinct?"_

" _Exactly, mister Fox."_

" _Someone wanna speak English for us normal yahoos!?"_ Bartolomeo demanded.

" _It means,"_ Foxy said. " _That he's essentially a very big, very smart rat. If we'd let him into our ranks, he would have been loyal for a time, and then if he ever got a hint that the New World Masons would be going under, he'd jump ship and sell everyone else out to save his own skin. Not out of malice, but simply because it'd be the smartest move to make."_

" _Precisely,"_ Tsuru nodded regretfully. " _I told Komei as much, and he did not deny that it was a likely scenario. Still, he was very gracious in my rejection, and willingly subjected himself to the memory wipe. He walked away unscathed, and life continues on as normal, though now I have my eye on him, and I also suspect that this will not be the last time I see him. Hopefully the Tone Dial he recorded for himself in the future will prevent any…_ untoward _incidents."_

I sighed, as did a few others. It was unfortunate, but, well, we couldn't count on everything going our way.

" _That really is disappointing, though,"_ Tashigi wept miserably. " _His membership would have helped us grow our numbers much faster. So many recruits look up to him, especially since he got to where he is without relying on a Devil Fruit."_

"I _seriously_ resent those implications…" Merry grumbled petulantly.

"We know, Merry," Vivi said sympathetically, before looking back at Soundbite. "Any other recruitments that we should know about?"

" _Well, one of our more ambitious plans has been to plant a mole within the walls of Impel Down,"_ T-Bone sighed in a tone that did not foreshadow anything good. " _Unfortunately, it seems to be as difficult for anyone aside from incoming prisoners to get into the gaol as it is to get out of it; the institution is not, strictly speaking, in the World Government's chain of command, but rather self-polices and handpicks its recruits with rigorous discipline. We cannot truly 'infiltrate' them as they are a closed system, and as such there is nowhere we can feasibly enter. For the time being, I am afraid the walls of Impel Down are sacrosanct."_

"Regretful, but…" I sighed in defeat. "That's life, I suppose. We'll just have to approach from another angle once we really have to."

" _A 'Get out of Jail Free' card_ would _have been nice, though…"_ Apoo sighed longingly.

" _Mm, quite,"_ Tsuru hummed in a disapproving tone. " _Still, while we're speaking of Impel Down, there's something you should know. Something that Jonathan has recently discovered, and is investigating with the aid of the Blackarm Instructors."_

"The Black—?" I sat up straighter as I made the connection. "You mean the Marines who _explicitly_ stone-walled Jonathan's offer to join us because they rightfully hate pirates more than the average _good_ Marine?!"

" _It's_ that _serious."_

"Ulp." I tugged nervously at my collar. "And this discovery would be…?"

Tsuru's gaze became steely. " _There are prisoners missing."_

"… er…" I glanced away sheepishly. "If you mean from Impel Down, I can—"

" _I'm interested in that and_ will _be addressing that later, but no,"_ Tsuru shook her head in denial. " _I mean there are prisoners missing from Justice itself."_

I turned that phrase over in my head every which way I could, but no, there wasn't a _single_ way that sounded good. "Explain. Now."

Instead of addressing me, the Vice-Admiral turned her attention to my crewmate. " _Princess Nefertari. I trust you'll recall the incident involving Prince Calidin of Thoulosa a year ago, in the Kingdom of Kazlok, the South Blue?"_

"Ergh, I wish I didn't. I always knew there was something wrong with that little monster's head…" Vivi shook her head in disgust before eyeing the rest of us. "For those of you not in the know, Calidin was a _disturbed_ product of royal inbreeding who was high on the line of succession for Thoulosa's throne. And when I say disturbed, I mean 'missing pets and terrified servants' disturbed. But as a royal, it was all tolerated and swept under the rug… until one day he snapped and went on a broad-daylight _spree_ in the neighboring kingdom, Kozlak. Now, obviously the bastard was arrested by the World Government, but the Kingdom of Thoulosa raised a stink about wanting him back. It was a front page sensation for days—!" Vivi suddenly choked off, her eyes wide in terrified realization. "Until… Until suddenly it just stopped. Any mention of Calidin disappeared…"

" _As did Calidin himself, in person and paperwork alike,"_ Tsuru completed with the utmost solemnity. " _The mad prince of Thoulosa fell off the face of the seas."_

"And… you're sure he wasn't discretely shipped off to Impel Down or…?" Merry offered uneasily.

" _Corpses and prisoners alike leave traces, but here there are_ none," Tsuru replied. " _Without any warning, the prince vanished and with him the entire scandal. And he is far from the only one."_

Lola swallowed heavily, cold sweat gleaming on her brow. "H-How many?"

The elderly Vice-Admiral's lips twisted in a grimace. " _The better question is 'how long', and the answer… is_ centuries. _Over the course of the World Government's existence, there have arisen many individuals like Calidin: sensitive prisoners and criminals, who could not be executed or imprisoned through normal means without blowback or due to some form of extenuating circumstances. Some of these individuals were of political importance, others were 'mentally disturbed', and would have been threats in both general population and solitary confinement alike… and of course, more than a few earned the personal ire of the World Nobles. What they all share in common is that once their incidents reached peak complexity, they vanished into the aether, never to be heard from again."_

"…I'll repeat," Vivi whispered in horror. "How many?"

" _Since the start of this Age… several hundred, without a trace."_

" _And… no leads, whatsoever? Nothing!?"_ Bartolomeo choked out.

Tsuru slowly closed her eyes. " _There is one thing. A single word, in a scant few locations, but… I doubt it to be random."_

" **And that would be…?"**

"… _Darkness."_

"…the _one_ fruit that could explain it, and we know for a _fact_ that it's impossible. Perfect." I clawed my hand down my face with an angry sigh. Then I looked up again as a thought occurred to me. "Wait a second, what about CP9? This seems like something they'd do."

" _A reasonable assumption, but sadly one I have already exhausted,"_ Scorpio interjected with a shake of his head. " _I have already asked Lucci, the oldest of the current generation, about those who vanished during his tenure as an agent, but he knows not a thing about any of them. It is possible he simply wasn't involved, but…"_

"No, I get it, Soldier of Justice, if anyone would have been involved…" I hummed in thought. "If things were different I'd finger Aegis 0, but they're exclusively at the World Noble's beck and call, so they'd only fit if _all_ the prisoners pissed them off, but that's not the case…" I clapped my hands with a firm nod. "Right, this is definitely a deep rabbit hole, and I'd rather know where it leads rather than wait for something to leap out and gnaw at us. You'll keep us informed if you learn anything?"

" _Of course,"_ Tsuru nodded.

" **AND MOVING RIGHT ALONG!"** Soundbite piped up eagerly. " _BONEMEAL! YA MENTIONED TALKING TO LUCCI!_ _ **I take it that means our favorite**_ **band of unscrupulous assassins** NOW WORK FOR US?"

T-Bone's mouth twisted into a self-satisfied grin. " _After a fashion, yes. They contacted us two weeks after Enies Lobby, and most of them accepted the offer at the outset. Rob Lucci was a bit more difficult, but after some…_ persuasion _on my part, he willingly swore his loyalty to us. However, the moniker of CP9 is obsolete; they now call themselves 'Jormungandr.'"_

Soundbite's eye and grin both twitched slightly. " _ **As in the Asgardian serpent of Ragnarok fabled to,**_ **what was it again… OH RIGHT!** _POISON THE HEAVENS?"_

"They are _not_ subtle about their opinion of us, are they?" Merry smirked.

" _Actually, that name was_ my _suggestion as their new commanding officer."_

I blinked in surprise before adopting a flat expression I prayed got through to T-Bone intact. "Come again?"

" _I have personally assigned the agents of Jormungandr to act as a, ah,_ precaution _, if you will,"_ T-Bone explained succinctly. " _Should any of us or, heavens forbid, all of us wholesale, abandon our mission and turn our backs on our morals, they will see to it that we do not live to see many days past our betrayal."_

" _WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT!?"_ Bartolomeo yelped in panic.

" _APAPA! I'M WITH THE HOOLIGAN, WHAT THE HELL, T-BONE!?"_ Apoo wailed.

" _It's nothing personal, you dunces,"_ the dilapidated Captain huffed with a weary roll of his eyes. " _And in case you didn't quite grasp my meaning, they're hanging over my head too."_

Tashigi's eyes widened in realization. " _You… set up a Damocles Sword contingency?"_

" _Precisely,"_ T-Bone nodded. " _We are all influential and powerful individuals, and it would be too easy for us to abuse our power. Should that occur, I would prefer that we have someone ready to lay us low rather than allow our good memories to be sullied by our own actions. I trust you all can agree?"_

Tsuru snorted rebelliously. " _I would have_ preferred _to be informed of such a decision before the blade was swinging over my neck, but, now that it is present, I see no reason to protest it."_

" _You're kidding, right?!"_ Foxy whimpered, his face sweating like a stuck pig.

"I, ah, actually get where they're coming from…" Lola rubbed the back of her neck with a wince. "I mean, look at Moria. Before Kaido killed his crew, he was a pirate like us… but then, one bad day turned him into a monster. I don't know about you, but… if I could become like him?" She shuddered heavily. "No. No, I'd rather die first."

The other Damned were silent for a bit before grumbling out their assent.

" _Not like it's the first time I've had a gun to my head anyways,"_ Barto grumbled reluctantly. " _Still don't like it though."_

" _Look at it this way: You planning on doing anything_ really _stupid any time soon? And you know the kind of stupid I mean,"_ Apoo asked.

" _No?"_

" _Then ya got nothing to worry about."_

" _Mrph, I suppose."_

T-Bone nodded firmly. " _Glad to hear it. That all being said, I assure you all that that is merely their last-resort order. In terms of current operations, well…"_ The grin T-Bone bore would have sent most anyone else running for the hills. " _Suffice to say that we of the Divine have have assigned them an assignment we found…_ fitting."

" _Allow me to elaborate,"_ Tashigi offered primly.

**-o-**

"I'm sorry, I _must_ have misheard you." Sengoku whipped his glasses off in order to better stare in disbelief at the World Government— _not_ Marine—officer standing before him. "You're trying to tell me that we have lost all contact, and there is no trace of where they are or where they may be? No snail calls, no notes, no sign of forced entry or exit in their bases? Because _that_ is what you imply when you say that they have _disappeared."_

It was a true testament to the quality of the World Government's training that the officer showed not even a hint of emotion as he nodded. "I am afraid so, Fleet Admiral, sir."

Sengoku tried to remain calm. He really did.

" _HOW IS IT THAT NOT ONE, BUT_ _ **TWO**_ _CIPHER POL UNITS HAVE DISAPPEARED?!"_

But ultimately, it was a losing battle, and one that shook more than a few walls in Marine HQ.

Once his indulgence was fulfilled, however, Sengoku pinned the officer with a scathing glare. "I assume that CP1 through CP6 have already been assigned to investigate the disappearances of 7 and 8?"

"Cipher Pol 5, yes," the officer nodded in confirmation. "Cipher Pols 1 through 4, however, are maintaining their current operations, while 6 has been given other orders."

It didn't take a genius to make the leap of logic. "They're being put into hiding?"

"It was deemed prudent, yes," the officer confirmed. "Considering how they were the next to be targeted, we assume that so long as they remain untouched, CP5 will be able to investigate in peace."

Sengoku started to nod in understanding as he conceded that the precautions being taken were valid ones, before freezing as a thought occurred to him. Slowly, he turned an acidic gaze on the officer. "Did anyone," he ground out. "Think to _inspect_ the security of CP6's safehouse before they went to it?"

If the way the officer froze up before bolting out of the room like his ass was on fire was anything to go by, the answer to that question was a resounding _no._

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

Sengoku turned towards the snail on his desk, who was already sweating and cowering in his shell in the face of his rage. Breathing hard, Sengoku picked up the receiver.

" **If you are calling to report that the Cipher Pol 6 unit has disappeared,** _ **for the sake of your well-being, I suggest that you hang up now."**_

"…KA-LICK!"

It was a _testament_ to how much practice Sengoku had acquired over the past few months that he _actually_ managed to keep himself from blowing Marineford's roof off again. "Why the _hell_ did I want this job again…?" he lamented miserably.

**-o-**

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that's just poetic justice if I've ever seen it!" Merry cackled.

" _If I didn't think we were all completely insane_ before," the Lieutenant Junior Grade breathed reverentially, a goofy smile shared on Soundbite's face.

"When this comes to light…" Vivi slowly shook her head with a dumbstruck expression. "Th-There's just no better way to put it: They are going to lose their _shit."_

" _That was our intention with the endeavor, yes,"_ Captain T-Bone chuckled malevolently.

"… _Have I said recently that I'm very happy that I'm on your side? Because I am_ very _happy that I'm on your side,"_ Foxy chuckled weakly.

"Who ya talkin' to, Foxy?" Merry leered. "Him, or us?"

" _BOTH!"_ both the fox and the would-be cannibal roared, while the DJ settled for cackling.

"Alright, moving on from this deliciously evil plan," I said with some reluctance. "Does anyone else have any topics they'd like to bring up?"

" _Actually, Cross, I have a plan in the works, too,"_ Apoo offered. " _A plan to take our rivalry to a whole new dimension!"_

"A little late for that, I'm already here," I snarked, and in response to the groans, I added, "Oh, come on, how many people have even been able to make that joke? But fine, what exactly are you talking about?"

"It's simple, really."

All present turned their heads upward at the sound of flapping wings and a new voice. The reactions varied: Vivi and Lola were taken aback, Soundbite's eyes narrowed somewhat, and Merry waved warmly. "Hi, Coo!"

"Coo!?" I myself stuck with exclaiming in shock. "What the hell are you—!?"

"We're talking about a head-to-head between the realms of audio and visual," the seagull smirked proudly, a smirk that was directed at my snail. "Long time no see… _slimy-crawly._ "

Soundbite recoiled in shock, letting loose a bark of laughter. "AIN'T EVER GONNA BE _LONG ENOUGH, FEATHER-RAT! STILL, THOUGH."_ He eyed the bird with an appreciative air. " _ **Glad to see you've finally grown a spine under all the fluff."**_

"Heheh, what can I say?" Coo chuckled as he landed on some rubble, dipping his newsboy cap down. "I'm done being on my best behavior. After all, what's the point when I'm about to undergo a change of profession?"

I jerked my head in shock. "Repeat that!?"

" _I've reached my limit on suspense for the day, can we get on with it?"_ Bartolomeo groused.

Coo's response to that was to look off to the side, his expression darkening. "How much do any of you all know about the Editor in Chief of the World Economic Journal, 'Big News' Morgan?"

I could only shrug helplessly. "Jack all, but going by your tone I'm gonna take a wild guess and say there's nothing good _to_ know?"

"Well, let me summarize," Coo snapped, beak doing the same. "The bastard is a pompous, overly fluffed _hack_ of an editor who has morning tea with Charlotte 'Big Mom' Linlin, brunch with any number of World Nobles, lunch with the Marine's Propaganda and Public Relations offices, and who prefers that his dinners be any honest and _good_ journalists, spiced with their own integrity, and sautéed and served on a _spit."_

"Or, to summarize," Vivi offered, looking like she smelled something foul. "He's a headline-seeking gloryhound whose pockets are as wide open as the pit of Enies Lobby. Trust me, it's standard practice amongst the nobility to cross-reference every paper ten times over."

" _ **Alright, he's an ass, we get it,"**_ Soundbite muttered.

"Undeniably," Coo nodded right back. "And as such an ass, we News Coos _really_ have no love for him. But, our whole life, he's been our only option for employment, it's how things have always worked for as long as we live, yadda yadda yadda…" He spun his wing for a bit before grinning and pointing a feather at me. "And then _you guys_ come along, and show us all something quite eye-opening: that the times… oh, they _are_ a-changin'."

" _So, a number of News Coos decided to look into batting for the other side of the law on the sly,"_ Apoo picked up, his grin back in place. " _And they all had the smart idea that, seeing as you're already busy with your own schtick, they oughta try their luck with someone like-minded and like-skilled, but different. I.E., ME! APAPAPA!"_

"You're doing pirate radio. Well, we're gonna be printing and publishing pirate _papers!"_ Coo nodded proudly. "A journal that reports the truth, the whole truth, and nothing _but_ the truth, no matter what anyone says or how they try and stop us! Ladies and gentlemen…" Coo spread his wings and puffed his chest out. "You're looking at the ace reporter of the brand-spankin' new publication that's going to take the world by storm: the Free Feather Report!"

There was a round of vaguely pleased muttering that prompted Coo to slump over in depression. As a result, Tashigi speaking up caught everyone's attention.

" _Um… Apoo? Not that I don't_ love _this idea, because really, having an honest newspaper—and an alternative to Cross—"_

"OI!"/ " _ **TRAITOR!"**_

"— _would be_ fantastic, _I'm assuming you've actually planned this out?"_ Tashigi asked.

" _Of course I have!"_ Apoo said, a touch of offense in his tone. " _I'm good at planning things for the long term!"_ His cocky grin remained in place for a few seconds before it faltered somewhat. " _Apa… w-when I have to be, anyways… A-And besides, the News Coos themselves had most of the groundwork laid out before they came to me! They just wanted me because my ship's a great mobile base for their paper, and_ I'm _almost as good a rabble-rouser as Cross!"_

"Who, by the way, is responsible for us being so prepared in the first place," Coo picked up with a smirk. "See, ever since the SBS got started, a lot of the world's population has been wising up to the fact that 'dumb animals' isn't a very accurate label… in both senses of the word whenever the living snot-bubble is present."

" _ **I WILL**_ **give you a Muppet's voice,** _YOU LIVING DUSTER, don't think I won't."_

" _Any-_ ways," the gull continued with a roll of his wing. "Ever since you started raising global opinion of us, we Coos have been getting a _lot_ of generous tips whenever we make our delivery, and we've been saving them up in a communal fund since a little before you burned down Enies Lobby. And considering how we're a literally _global_ organization with a population-wide clientele, well…" The bird's grin spoke volumes.

" _Holy shit… and our paychecks are worth_ how much _again!?"_ Tashigi incredulously demanded.

" _In light of this? Nowhere_ near _enough_ ," T-Bone grit out in a long-suffering tone.

"Heheheheh, yeeeaaah," Coo nodded proudly. "Couple that with the fact that most of us are completely literate after doing our jobs for so long, along with help putting together the resources thanks to the On Air Pirates and Samson's Transponder Snail Palace, and you have the beginning of an independent pirate newspaper that's gonna match the SBS in both scale _and_ impact!"

" _Over a hundred Coos are already on our side,"_ Apoo boasted. " _And at the rate things are going, not only will the first issue will be ready to print and publish in a month, two at most, but when we put it out, we'll be leaving the WEJ stripped_ bare _in the process. Like I said: get ready, 'cause this rivalry's going to the next level!"_

"…Wow," was all I could get out, and weakly at that. I mean, really, what else _could_ I say? "This is… holy _wow…_ Nicely played, Apoo. Nicely played _indeed."_

" _Apapapa! Gotta keep pace with you_ somehow! _Your captain might be my opponent as a pirate, but when it comes to raising hell, it's you I butt heads with! If you think I'm gonna slack off even an inch, you've got another thing coming!"_

"Heheheh!" Coo flicked his cap's brim up, feathers ruffling in pride. "I'm betting that once this picks up, even your loud-mouthed pest won't be able to keep disrespecting us!"

" _ **FAAAAT CHAAAANCE,"**_ Soundbite drawled in a sing-song tone. " _YOU'VE GRADUATED TO THE_ TIER ABOVE _the rest of the world's_ _ **feather-rats,**_ **I'll give you that. BUT THE ONLY BIRDS I'VE MET** _ **AND ACTUALLY LIKED are**_ CARUE'S SQUAD _and_ _ **Terry and Isaiah."**_

_That_ drew a horrified shudder from the bird. "Oh, don't even _mention_ those two lunatics to me, I oughta peck your eyes out for giving them my name!" Coo groaned. "Ever since I stopped by Navarone, all I can hear is 'Swagger, Bear Glove, Swagger, Bear Glove.' It gives me a headache, it does~"

" _ **And there goes**_ _any chance of you_ CHANGING MY—"

"After all, every News Coo knows that none are greater than the Wing and Hammer flock!"

A pause followed those words. Then, slowly, Soundbite's face split into a grin.

" _ **Congratulations,**_ **NOW** _I like you,"_ he drawled. Then he glanced at me. "SHOULDN'T YOU BE **headdesking** _ **right now?"**_

"We have established that I'm having problems remembering details," I said through gritted teeth. "Meaning I have no brain cells to spare. It is taking everything that I have to _not_ do it. Don't push me or I will use your shell as a convenient blunt instrument, both now _and in the future."_

Soundbite recoiled fearfully before adopting a scowl. " _ **Why do you have to have an excuse**_ _that I can't argue with?"_ he grumbled before looking back at Coo, a curious look in his eyes. "BY THE WAY, **you mentioned that YOU'RE WORKING WITH SAMSON?"**

"Yeah, but he's a silent partner," Coo responded with a dismissive wave of his wing. "He's privy to the details and he's open to providing whatever resources he can, but he doesn't want his name anywhere near it. We don't begrudge him for it."

" **That's good enough,"** Soundbite grinned. " **SEE… MY GEAR'S BEEN** _ **GIVING ME A FEW IDEAS**_ _HERE AND THERE._ _ **Specifically, in regards to my**_ **cousins…"**

**-o-**

The most impactful meeting of the New World Masons to date went on for a while longer after that as we hammered out the finer details of the Free Feather Report, the abbreviated version of Tashigi (potentially) recruiting the new Cleaner, and the supply transference and security measures for the pirate haven, including rechristening it. From there, after gathering a status report on the new additions to our number—and between Navarone and Foxy, suffice to say that Lola wouldn't be short on helping hands—the meeting finally came to an end.

Our return to the party was eager, Lola to share the news with her crew, Vivi and Merry to enjoy the party, and me? Well, part of it was the party, but with our newly established bargain with the Triangle, I could start up the SBS after all. But there was one tiny detail I had to hammer out first.

"Excuse me, Cross."

I glanced at my side to see Funkfreed walking past me, snatching Soundbite from my shoulder in the process and with Lassoo on his back. Wait, what?

"We need to work something out, we'll be right back," Lassoo called as they headed into the distance. I stared dumbfoundedly for a few minutes before ultimately shrugging it off; if they didn't want to tell me, I guess it was their business.

It worked out anyway, I reflected as I walked towards the piano, where ivory bones were tickling the ivory keys. This… was something I'd rather do solo.

"Taking requests?" I asked casually as I leaned back on the piano with my elbows, my eyes never leaving the party. Or rather, never leaving the guests of honor who were located on the edge of the party courtesy of one of said guests forcibly keeping the other in place whenever he tried to leave.

"If you can hum it, I can try and fake it," Brook mused, wholly engrossed with his craft. "Who knows, perhaps I'll even recognize that which you wish for."

"Then in that case, how about…" I glanced over my shoulder at him. "'What I Saw on Kuma Way'?"

"Yohoho~" Brook chuckled with honest amusement, his digits never missing so much as a note. "Ahh, but of course you'd know. I'd have joined them, you know, but with how I was pinned by the rubble—"

"No need for excuses, I don't doubt you would have jumped in if you could," I interrupted. "Just… your personal point of view?"

"Ah, well in that case…" Brook's empty gaze grew somewhat far off as he played on automatic. "I can only imagine what it must have looked like once, but to see it again up close, and worse… and _yet…"_ Brook followed my gaze, eyeing my fellow Mates. "They knew. They knew exactly what they were getting into, even before they took that first taste… and they did it regardless. Such bravery is only witnessed once in a generation, and yet I've seen it more times in the past day than I ever did while I still had my flesh. Truly, what a time to be alive…" His grin widened as he returned his gaze to the ivories, the music gaining a newfound uplifting tone. "And what peerless peers you have. They are both quite incredible, aren't they?"

And as I watched Nami keep Zoro in place next to her, laughing as he grabbed her cheek and stretched her grin out, all while she jabbed her finger in his side, I realized something.

"You're right," I breathed softly, pushing myself off of the piano. "They are incredible. And I'm gonna make sure that I never take that for granted again."

And so I set off. First to speak with Robin and Luffy, and then to go and get what I needed, so that I could do what I needed— _needed—_ to do.

Because after everything those two had done for me, both now and in the past, how could I not return the favor?

**-o-**

A fair distance into the deep forest of Thriller Bark, far from any prying ears, Cross's three amigos exchanged looks with each other. It was hard to tell what they were thinking, but it was plain to see that they were not, by any stretch of the word, training. And were anyone familiar with them in hearing range, they would immediately know that they were intent on nobody overhearing them. After all, for the first time in months, they were not speaking the human tongue.

[So, what's the deal with this secret meeting?] Lassoo asked cautiously.

[ _And_ with you actually lowering yourself to our level to ask me to swipe you without anyone noticing?] Funkfreed concurred, before wincing and scratching the back of his head sheepishly. [Ah, no offense, of course, it's just that I've never actually _heard_ you speak normal before, so—!]

**[Desperate—** gugh, hold on.] Soundbite shook his head diminutive head, wincing. [Sorry, hard to turn it off. Anyway, desperate times, desperate measures. I…] The snail's expression crumbled sorrowfully. [I… can't risk someone overhearing this, but if I have to keep it to myself I'll freaking pop my shell…]

The two half-animals shared knowing glances.

[You didn't tell them everything,] Funkfreed deduced.

[And it's not light, either,] Lassoo chuffed, settling in for a long talk.

Soundbite nodded solemnly. [Don't get me wrong, Cross is… well, you both know what I mean, of course—]

The Zoans exchanged looks again, but this time they shocked.

[—but… sometimes…] the Noise-snail trailed off, his gaze stretching off for miles. [Sometimes, there's just some shit you can't say to anyone…] He snapped a warning glare up at them. _**[EVER.]**_

The animal-weapons raised what limbs they could in surrender, no small amount of fear in the movement due to the air around them suddenly buzzing.

Soundbite let the threat hang in the air before slumping in defeat. [Because if he ever heard this… I'm almost positive that it would _destroy_ him.]

**~o~**

And so the two started to walk off into the woods…

" _ **HOLD IT!"**_

Before a full blown medley of their crew roared out in perfect synch. A kind of synch that could only be achieved by—!

" _Soundbite!?"_ they blurted out, spinning around to catch sight of the omni-vocal snail perched on a stray chunk of rubble.

" _YEAH,_ _ **me!"**_ he spat, panting heavily from the exertion of crawling from wherever he'd landed. "IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET THE MEMO, _**YOU CAN'T KEEP A**_ **slimy bastard down!"**

"Will you be putting your life on the line as well, 'Voice of Anarchy' Soundbite?" Kuma asked.

" _NO!"_ Zoro barked at Kuma and Soundbite both.

"Soundbite, you can't! If you even _brushed_ that stuff—!" Nami started to plead.

" _How stupid do you think I am?!"_ Soundbite snarled indignantly. " _ACTUALLY,_ **DON'T ANSWER THAT.** _ **The point is, I**_ **know** _**that that shit would kill me. IT'S ALREADY GOING TO DO A NUMBER ON YOU two…**_ AND I WANT TO BE THERE WHEN IT DOES. _I want to make a difference, however I can…_ _ **for once in my life…"**_

Nami blinked in shock, her expression slowly shifting to pity. "Soundbite…"

"I COULDN'T DO _SHIT_ TO ENERU, _**ONLY JUST MANAGED TO STOP THE WHITE FEATHER-RAT, and there's jack-all I can do for him now,"**_ Soundbite listed off in a dead tone. Then, he slowly lifted his eyestalks and gazed at her in tears. " **Don't…** don't take this from me… please…"

While Zoro and Kuma stared back at the snail with vaguely pitying dead-eyed expressions, Nami shuffled over to him and pick him up. Wordlessly, she carried him back towards Kuma and Zoro, who were already moving alongside the spheres of pain.

They moved in silence, most of their strength focused on getting their legs to move, and eventually came to an area that had already been mostly flattened from the war against Moria. Zoro stopped, and Kuma positioned the ball of Luffy's pain before him and the one of Cross's alongside it.

Nami hung back, using her Eisen clouds to place Soundbite on a branch within the view of the action, but far off the ground. Then she discarded the majority of her staff, the clouds retreating inside, as she moved back to face her fate with a benign tube of metal clutched in a deathgrip. Kuma regarded them both for a moment.

"…You would truly sacrifice your dreams for their lives?" he asked at last.

"…We're Straw Hats. Any of us would sacrifice our dreams for the rest of us without a second thought if that was what it took…" Nami picked up, hesitating for a bare moment. Then her resolve crystallized.

"But it's not just that. All of us have dreams of changing the world; Chopper's going to invent a true Panacea, Robin's going to uncover the Void Century, Vivi's going to become queen of an entire _kingdom!_ And sure, we're making an impact…" She shook her head. "But Cross is doing _so much more_. He's doing the impossible, taking a crowbar to a monolith that's been crushing us all for _centuries._ He's started something incredible… and I can't, in good conscience, let it end here. Too many people depend on him, there's too much weight in his words. He just… he _can't_ die now. So…"

Nami's mouth slowly lifted into a serene smile. "If the price to pay for him to follow his dream is my atlas, a dream that someone else can and will pick up, and can and will accomplish? Well…" she chuckled self-deprecatingly as she scratched the back of her head with a projected air of nonchalance. "You know how much of a miser _I_ am, right? No way in hell I'd pass up that kinda bargain!"

"As for me," Zoro said, a smirk on his face that was somehow bestial as well as peaceful. "Kuina may be pissed at me… but I made my decision long ago. The World's Greatest Swordsman has already sworn his life to the King of the Pirates."

"Ehhh?" Nami glanced at him with a catty expression. "Is that so? That's not how _I_ remember it. Didn't you once tell me that you swore, and I'm paraphrasing here, that you'd _always_ follow your own ambitions first, and that if Luffy _ever_ got in your way he'd have to, oh what was it again… oh right, _end his life on your sword?"_

Zoro smirked right back at her. "Have you forgotten, witch? I'm the big bad drunken oni. Who knows _what_ crazy shit I say, right?"

Nami chuckled lightheartedly as she looked back at the ball of agony, newfound life injected into her smile. "A witch and an oni, sacrificing themselves for the King of the Pirates and the Voice of Anarchy…" Her smile twitched ever so slightly. "It's almost like a bad joke…"

"You can take out the almost," Zoro growled as he double-tied his bandanna around his skull. "After all… we both know that the punchline is going to _suck."_

And so, the Pirate Hunter strode into his captain's suffering, and the Weather Witch followed him into her own ordeal barely a second after.

What followed next will _not_ be described, for the sake of all reading, due to the universally horrific nature of the event.

And yet, for all that what transpired was horrific, for all that it was gruesome and terrifying in every possible regard, it did not leave so much as a trace of an impression upon 'The Tyrant' Bartholomew Kuma.

"Did they know that such banter would comfort them…" the hyper-advanced cyborg mused. "Or was it sheer happenstance? And were they attracted to him because he was a D.… or was such confidence inspired because he's _your_ son…?" He remained silent for a moment before sighing and shaking his head slightly. "In the end, it is not so much the 'how' that matters as what comes of it. The only true question that remains is how far he will be able to continue at his current level."

And with that, the bio-metallic giant fell silent, and continued his vigil.

**~o~**

Lassoo and Funkfreed stared at the sniveling snail as he came to the end of his story.

[No wonder you couldn't tell Cross that…] Funkfreed breathed. [Or even _Luffy,_ for that matter…]

[If those two ever found out that Zoro and Nami put their dreams of the throne and a new world ahead of their own…] Lassoo muttered, more to himself than anyone.

[If they managed to come out of that without the knowledge completely tearing them apart inside,] Soundbite sniffed woefully. [Then the resulting butting of heads would almost _definitely_ rip the crew in half. I… I can't tell _anyone_ about this, you hear me? If this ever got out…]

[The end of the Straw Hats… and you're trusting _us_ with it?] Funkfreed said incredulously. Soundbite looked up, puzzlement on his face beneath the tears.

[Ummm…] The snail swung his eyes between the two in honest confusion. [No duh? Why wouldn't I? You're Cross's partners, too.]

[In case you haven't noticed, you've been a bit of a little shit to us the whole time we've been on the crew.] Lassoo only managed half of a deadpan, unable to fully hide his disbelief.

[I'm a little shit to everyone on the crew, _why_ would that mean I consider you lesser than anyone else?] the snail questioned in genuine bewilderment.

The two Zoan-weapons locked eyes, a silent exchange passing between them. After a mutual nod they gave the snail reassuring smiles.

[Well, look, it's going to be alright, alright?] Funkfreed softly offered. [Nobody's ever going to hear about this, because you've gotten it off your chest, and we'll never say squat.]

[I mean, come on,] Lassoo chuffed, the vocalization shaking his bulky frame. [You _know_ what we did way back when. If there's anyone who knows a thing or two about keeping mum, it's us. You've done everything right, so now all that's left is to—]

[Let it go?] Soundbite finished with a shaky smile. He bowed his head and chuckled, shaking his eyestalks. [Heh… never thought I'd draw comfort from _that_ earworm, especially after Aokiji…] He held his position for a bit before perking up. [Ah… say, seeing as we've still got some time… wanna go fortify that excuse into an actual fact? I wouldn't mind some feedback on the best frequency to vibrate you at for maximum damage.]

Funkfreed nodded proudly, picking the snail up with his trunk. [You got it… _partner.]_

And with that, the trio started to make their way out of the depths of the forest they'd ensconced themselves in, but after taking a few steps, Lassoo slowed his pace and lagged behind, sniffing inquisitively at the air.

He kept his nose raised for a few seconds, but ultimately chuffed dismissively and loped back up to his fellow weapon before either of the animals could notice his absence.

Of course he'd noticed their tail, how couldn't he? Even if Soundbite was too absorbed in his grief and self-loathing to pay attention, Lassoo had sniffed them out as soon as they'd started hanging around at eavesdropping distance. But really, it was no problem. After all, if there was one person on the crew the dog-cannon trusted to be circumspect under the right circumstances, then it was definitely this one.

**-o-**

[Guuuuh, damn it damn it _damn it,]_ a certain peeved gull cursed to himself as he flapped his way back down onto the island-ship once known as Thriller Bark. [Doing something so _rookie_ as forgetting to deliver the damn paper?! I know that we're breaking ties with that over-fluffed moron and I know that his rag's barely worth lining my roost with, but _still!_ Bah, with any luck he'll at least gimme a good tip or _somethi—WAGH!]_

Without any forewarning, the coo was suddenly knocked clean out of the air by something small and furry and _fast_ shooting out of the window of a structure that was still standing, _tackling_ him in midair. The impact knocked the wind out of Coo's sails, and more importantly, the rhythm out of his wings, sending both himself and his attacker plummeting to the earth.

The bird slammed into the ground with a " _Woof!"_ of pain, and the second he got his bearing back he started scrambling desperately to get his wings back in motion.

_[Don't.]_

[Urgh!] Coo winced when a heavy weight landed on his chest and, more importantly, a paw slapped down onto his neck and held him in place.

[Don't move,] his attacker intoned. [Don't cry out for help, and don't give me any shit, or I swear that I will _ground you permanently._ Do I make myself clear?]

[Ggh… w-what the hell—? Who are—?] Coo cracked his eye open and tried to twist his head around to get a glance at his attacker. He promptly blinked in shock when he actually _recognized_ both what _and_ who had him pinned. [What the— _Cottontail?!]_

[In the flesh,] the fox responded coolly, her normally squinting eyes opened enough to pin the newsbird with enough ice to give Fire Fist Ace a nasty case of frostbite.

[Wh-What's the big idea?] the bird squawked indignantly, trying and failing to get some leverage to move. [I've been nothing but helpful to your crew—!]

[And you're going to give us a little _more_ help,] the cloud fox calmly interrupted. [Specifically, you're going to help _me,_ and you're _not_ going to let anyone else on the crew know about it, _especially_ Soundbite. If anyone ever finds out, I will track you down and feed you your own beak. Are we clear?]

Something in Su's tone gave Coo pause, and after a moment he nodded frantically. [Alright, alright, my beak is sealed! Now let me up, damn it!]

The fox quickly acquiesced, stepping off the gull, and immediately began barking out a blue streak when he flapped into the air. [SON OF A—!]

[Oh, calm down, I'm not going anywhere,] Coo groused as he landed on a nearby piece of rubble, well out of Su's reach. [I just want to actually talk to you _without_ giving you the chance to bite my head off if I say anything you don't like. And before you say anything, this isn't just for my sake, I'm _actually_ worried about you.]

Su twitched in place, honestly taken aback at that. [Wh-What? What are you—?]

[You're a _Straw Hat Pirate,]_ Coo snapped impatiently. [For all that you guys _love_ to screw around and be smartasses, you're also almost all genuinely good people. You wouldn't do something like this unless the reason for it was serious, and I'm not doing anything until I know what that reason is. So talk.] The bird's gaze softened, ever so slightly. [What's this about?]

For a second, Su fought a very visible war with herself, her diminutive frame shaking and twitching as her pride clashed with her pragmatism. Neither won; she slumped, defeated as the weight of the past twenty-four hours crushed both sides wholesale. [My best friend, Conis, is enamored with Cross,] she whispered in a broken tone.

Coo blinked, trying to make sense of the sudden non-sequitur. [That's… ah…? I'm… happy for her? Happy for me too, seeing as it means I win that thousand-to-one betting pool—!]

[Not _romantically,_ you moron!] Su snarled at the bird, hackles drawing back in a momentary burst of energy. [She _admires_ him in a mostly platonic way and that's _it!]_ And then, as fast as it came, the energy left Su and she shrank in on herself. [Cross… Cross was the entire reason Conis became a pirate. She admires Cross as an inspiration; his tenacity, his intelligence, his will to go forth and venture, she holds them all up as the standards that she aspires to every day.] Su's head drooped as she sighed. [And… she's not alone…]

Coo's eye-feathers shot up as he connected that with the oddly specific threat she'd pinned him with earlier. [ _You_ admire _Soundbite?]_

[How could I _not!?]_ Su demanded incredulously, sounding as though she were on the verge of tears. [He's just a snail, for crying out loud; his physical abilities are jack, he's rock bottom on the food chain, he's barely bigger than my paws, he's not even two years old, and in _anyone_ else's limbs, his powers would be practically _useless_ … and he's _still_ earned every _beri_ of his bounty! He's defiant in the face of the world's dangers, he fights like a wolf even when against a Sea King, and…] She sagged in defeat. [And he never, _ever_ fails to support his partner… no matter what…]

Another piece fell into place for the gull. [This is… about Eneru, isn't it?]

[Cross gave Conis the chance to see the world,] Su whispered tearfully. [Soundbite let me _fight._ He gave me a voice and a chance to ask for help, when in the past all I could do was suffer in silence, incapable of lifting a _paw_ as my best friend in the whole world _died_ , a little bit more each day. He gave me the courage I needed to leave the only home I've known my whole life, and support Conis as we sail through every kind of hell imaginable. That snail… h-he's more than one of my best friends… he's my _hero…]_

Coo remained silent, unsure how to respond to such an explanation and not wanting to risk the cloud fox getting angry again. That seemed to be a fool's goal, however, as the fox slowly uncurled and looked at him, cold fury back in her eyes.

[He's my hero… and today, he was made to feel _worthless,]_ she bit out. [Not ten minutes ago, he was brought to tears at the mere memory of what we endured. What he went through? It's _never_ going to leave him. I'm never going to be able to look at him again without remembering how low this day brought him… and I _refuse_ to ever see him that way again if I can help it. But…]

She glanced away, scowl still marring her features. [The fact is that I literally _can't_ help it. I can talk as big a game as I want, but at the end of the day I'm just a small fox with a big mouth, and unlike Soundbite, I _can't_ make that work.]

She kept her position for a bit before slowly looking up at Coo, the scowl now steely with determination. [And that's where _you_ flap in.]

Coo flinched back, more than a bit unnerved by the sheer conviction in the fox's gaze. [And… what do you think _I_ can do to help with that?]

The gaze cooled off as Su sat down on her haunches, her tail lashing back and forth. [You not only work for an organization made to gather information, you're founding one yourself. Your flock is spread all over the world, and you're going to put each and every last one of them to work, finding me _exactly_ what I need to stand a fighting chance in this mad world of ours, and actually make a damn _difference.]_

Coo thought it over for a moment before slowly nodding his acceptance. [And… what they'll be looking for would be…?]

[An old legend. One that my mother told me when I was a kit. One that all foxes, no matter where they're from and despite all the endless variations and mutations, know by heart.]

Su's eyes cracked open, shining from within.

[You're going to find me _everything_ you possibly can on the Children of Inari.]

**-o-**

I've gotta admit, even after living in this world for somewhere over half a year now and living through the craziest and most unique experiences imaginable? I might not have a dearth of experience in the field of such things, but I'm _certain_ that there isn't anything in the world quite like a Straw Hat party, victory or otherwise.

And I'm certain that these parties are unique because nowhere else in the world will you find sights or experiences even remotely similar to what a Straw Hat party has to offer.

Nowhere else will you find a Five-Star East Blue cook from the North Blue fending off a rubber captain from the buffet with kicks capable of shattering concrete, all while lovingly serving whatever female might come by him _and_ tossing measured portions of food down the aforementioned captain's mouth whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Nowhere else will you find a tengu-nosed sniper leading whoever he possibly can in seventy unique songs all praising his crew, with a living skeleton providing background music.

Nowhere else could you find a band of martial-arts-practicing dugongs trying to wrestle a sleep-walking scientist that is also a mad doctor into submission, while an artillery-toting angel scrambles with said mad doctor's bag to find something to put him back down.

And _certainly_ nowhere else in the world will you find a demon-witch tangling with a monster-oni on a couch on the outskirts of said party. Or, rather, a monster-oni snapping at the demon-witch who was baiting him while wearing a grin befitting a certain gaseous feline.

"Still don't get why _you_ get off scot-free, while Luffy's still riding my ass and calling me an idiot! Him! Calling _me_ an idiot!" Zoro groused, scowling furiously into the bottle he was holding with the hand Chopper hadn't triple-bandaged to his chest.

"Well, while I'll admit that Luffy calling you that _is_ a bit hypocritical…" Nami grinned cattily as she stretched her threaded fingers above her head, only slightly hampered by the bandages that had been freshly applied to her arm. "I think I can give you an honest and completely logical reason as to why I'm being left alone."

"Why do I get the feeling I'm going to want to cut you?" Zoro grumbled, his scowl twitching into a half-smirk.

Nami's grin grew in both size and innocence as she got on her knees and pushed her head into the First Mate's personal space, the image only emphasized by the halo of pure white shining around her. "Because I am a cute and adorable lamb of innocence, who can do no wrong~" she practically _sang_ to him.

"I resent that!" Merry called from nearby, not pausing in her consumption of an entire barrel of hot pitch.

Zoro, meanwhile, turned his head to the navigator entirely and butted his forehead with hers, a rictus grin on his face, a vein bulging on his temple and murder gleaming in his eyes. "The shit cook is currently occupied with our idiot captain. What the hell is keeping me from doing what I should have done a long time ago and kicking your ass right here, right now?"

Nami's eyes cracked open and her grin grew malevolent as her halo darkened ominously. "Because if you do, I will fry your smarmy ass into a briquet and use your ashes to fertilize my _beloved_ tangerines."

Zoro's own grin widened significantly as his free hand started to drift towards Wado. "Bring it—!"

"WELL, NOW!"

" _GAH!"_ /"HOLY—!"

My erstwhile superiors promptly almost sent themselves tumbling ass-over-teakettle when I suddenly leapt over the back of the couch they were sitting on and landed between them.

I gave the pair my best winning grin as I watched them scramble to get their composure back. "You two are acting quite lively! Feeling better, I take it?"

My cheeky smile remained in place even as Zoro's hand slapped me upside my head. "Good enough to kick your ass twice over," he growled good-naturedly at me.

And it still didn't change when Nami gave me her own brand of 'attention' in the form of a chop to the skull. "And make it _thrice_ for me!" she laughed, sounding like she was more than a little drunk on the atmosphere.

Amused chuckles sprang from my throat as I received proof that my friends were hale and hearty. Once they subsided, I sent a glance at the bandage on Nami's arm. "So, I take it you got your tattoo touched up?"

Nami hesitated briefly before adopting a light smile as she ghosted her fingers over the bandages. "Ah… yeah, yeah I did. It'll take a week or so for the scars and ink to finish settling, but… yeah." She nodded, before continuing with considerable more conviction. "Yeah, good as new!"

"Great!" I clapped my hands and rubbed them together eagerly. "Well, if that's the case, then what say the three of us celebrate, eh?" And with that, I dug through my bag and withdrew the items I'd temporarily left the party to gather.

It wasn't anything special, really. Just a small bottle of sake and three saucers, perfectly average.

Still, however average the items were, Nami and Zoro took one look at them and froze up, looking like they'd seen a flying purple people eater sprout from the table.

Don't ask me how I know what that looks like. Seriously, South Blue tequila: _never again._

"Uh, Cross?" Zoro said, cold sweat shining on his brow. "I, ah, this could be a cultural thing or something, but this is—!"

"Eh?" I hummed idly, my innocent smile not shifting an inch as I filled all three saucers, with plenty of overlap between them. "You say something?"

Zoro fell silent as for _once_ he read between the lines, and Nami picked up the torch in his stead, snapping her head around in frantic desperation. "Cross, I-I don't think Robin would—!"

And then our navigator's words died in her throat when she caught our archaeologist's eye, and her only reaction was to smile knowingly and raise her glass in toast, a motion that Luffy eagerly mirrored with his own frothing mug of… what I _really_ hoped was Cola. Drunk Luffy is not something the world will ever be prepared for.

Nami held her open-mouthed stare for almost a minute, and when she finally returned her gaze to me, I met it with a saucer raised in salute. "Cheers?" I offered.

It took a few minutes before their shock finally grew numb enough that they could respond with any semblance of composure.

"You _are_ serious about this, aren't you?" Nami softly stated.

I could only keep my cheeky grin up for a moment longer, at which point I slowly sobered up. Gazing into my saucer, I traced the bottom of the cup through the clear liquid. "Ever since I came here," I said softly. "You two have stuck by my side. Through thick and thin, hell and high water… through every troubled time, all the heartache and pain. You've only ever doubted me with damn good reason and have _never_ let me down. And then today you put your lives on the line for me… and… and…" I swallowed heavily before saying what I had to. "If you… honestly agreed to do this… this downright _crazy_ thing with me… I would be honored and _privileged…_ and I _swear_ that I will stand by you through every inch of whatever comes next… just as I know you'll stand by me."

Nami stared at me with wide eyes, every gear in her brain visibly turning at full speed in an effort to make sense out of everything I'd just… _poured out_ to her. And finally, her expression still dumbstruck, she slowly raised a finger to point at me. "You," she breathed in a low tone, her voice raw with emotion. "Are an insufferable _bastard._ And _you—"_ She snapped her attention to Zoro. "Are a suicidal _moron…_ "

And then she scooped her saucer up, head shaking. "And God help me, I'm worse than the both of you combined because for the life of me I can't think of anywhere else in the world I'd rather be!" she spat out in a single breath.

Zoro mulled that over for a bit before heaving a sigh of defeat. "Well, you're right about one thing…" The swordsman leaned over and raised his saucer, smirking all the while. "Only someone with a real death wish would agree to try and keep you clowns safe."

I slowly looked between the two, scarcely able to believe it, to believe that they'd _actually_ agreed to this, and when I did, I steeled my gaze and nodded firmly. "OK… OK then. Let's do this. On the count of… ah, screw it!" And with that I knocked my saucer back, my fellow officers doing the same moments after.

We all drained our cups, holding our positions for a few moments…

"GAH!"/"HOLY HELL!"/"URGH!"

Before we all hunched forward as we suddenly experienced the _wonderful_ sensation of having our faces kicked in by a heaping helping of—!

"THAT WAS _VODKA,_ YOU JERK!" Nami and Zoro raged at me together, slamming the back of my skull at the same time, not that I could _notice_ at the moment!

"Not my fault! Who puts _vodka_ in a _sake pitcher!?"_ I wheezed, massaging my burning throat. "And aren't you two supposed to be our resident _anti-drunks?!"_

"Not against _South Blue COMЯADE-grade Spirits!"_ Nami hacked, furiously wiping tears from her eyes.

"Those ice-toting bastards use it to tan _Sea King hides!"_ Zoro choked out.

"Alright, alright, my bad," I conceded, waving him off. "Should I, what, go and get an actual bottle and we try again or—?"

"NO NEED!"

"GAH!"

We all jumped when Luffy suddenly bellowed from the rafters, where he was swinging like the animal that gave him his surname.

"YOU GUYS DID IT!" our captain whooped. "CONGRATS, ALL OF YOU! C'MON! _PARTY HARDER!"_

We all stared at him and the intensifying celebrations before collapsing bonelessly onto our couch.

"Fuuuuck that sucked so hard…" I breathed through my still-burning throat, my eyes clenched shut.

"Yeah…" Nami and Zoro nodded in agreement, in much the same state.

I paused for a second as I considered things before tilting my head slightly. "…either of you regret it?"

Even without looking, I could _tell_ that the pair had both adopted shameless smiles. " _Nope."_

"Yeah…" I could tell, because I'm pretty sure I had one myself. "Me neither."

And that, as they say, was that.

**-o-**

" _Don don don don!"_

"Oh, thank goodness," Kaya sighed in relief, laying aside the pen that had been writing her thesis on Devil Fruit-inflicted illnesses as Merry moved to pick up the snail. "I was starting to get worried with the delay."

"Given that they seemed to have all but won when last we heard them, I will admit to sharing the sentiment, Miss Kaya," Merry responded as he dutifully made his way to his master's side with snail in hand—or on-platter, as it were. "But it _is_ Luffy and his comrades. I suspect that they've earned _some_ modicum of faith, no?"

"Just to confirm, when you say Luffy…" Kaya spread her fingers against each other as she raised her gaze heavenward. "You mean the _brilliant_ young man who got lost on his way to the north shore because he thought he was supposed to head in the direction that felt _coldest,_ yes?"

Merry chuckled… well, sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head. "Point taken, m'lady: Faith with a grain of salt."

"A lot of salt!"

"A big pile of it!"

"The whole shaker!"

Both mistress and servant looked to the window to see the Veggie Trio perched on Usopp's old branch outside.

"One day I'm going to pour syrup on that branch, just to see how you three react…" Merry mused thoughtfully.

"One day!" Pepper laughed.

"But not today!" Carrot snickered.

"Now c'mon, c'mon! Pick up already!" Onion whined.

"Patience, boys," Merry chuckled, removing the receiver from the snail. The sounds that came out removed what tension remained among them; it was easy to pick out the sounds of a party going on in the background.

"— _take one down, pass it around, no more bottles of rum on the wall! So, how many of you believe that I actually made it all the way down from a thousand bottles?"_

The occupants of the room all glanced at each other.

"No way he did that," Onion finally said. "It'd take him, like, five hours to do that! Even Cross wouldn't talk for five hours straight."

"Well, I don't know about that…" Merry hedged. "Jeremiah Cross does love to talk. But I do agree that singing down from a thousand bottles is unlikely."

"Also, how did you get to five hours, Onion?" Kaya asked.

The boy immediately flushed, not-so-surreptitiously glancing towards his buddies. "W-Well, I saw how long it takes to count to a thousand in a book somewhere—"

"Neeeeeerd!"

"—a-and then I timed one of the verses and did a little math—"

" _Neeeeeerd!"_

" _Well, the answer_ should _be obvious, but for now?"_ Cross grinned cockily, saving Onion from further embarrassment. " _We have more important matters to attend to—WHAAAH!"_ Suddenly, the feed was overwhelmed by a choked squawk. " _WHAT ARMMPH!"_ This was followed by the snail the pirate was talking to gagging on its own tongue.

" _ **RISKIES!**_ **WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU—** mmph?!"

" _Got them both gagged!"_ a foreign voice cackled impishly. " _Rolling Pirates, altogether now!"_

" _START THE SBS!"_

"GAAAH!" Cross bellowed, veins bulging on the snail by proxy. "I'M GETTING FREAKING SICK OF PEOPLE DOING THAT TO ME!"

" **GET BACK HERE, YOU TWO!** _TAKE YOUR BEATINGS LIKE MEN!"_

"They're gonna get it!" the ex-Usopp pirates sang, Kaya and Merry snickering in agreement.

" _Alright, fine. You want to play hard to get? FUNKFREED, PACHY-RIOT!"_

The laughter cut off into somewhat confused awe when the snail started transmitting the noise of a _lot_ of rushing, cannoning water all at once.

"…Oh, dear," the five said together.

**-o-**

"Huh, so Moria actually kicked it?" Charlotte Pudding mused to herself as she stirred a bowlful of chocolate. For the most part, listening to the SBS was just background noise while she laid foundation for a new building she was planning to add to Cacao Island. "Sheesh, and after Crocodile went down, too? Either the Straw Hats are really just that strong… oooor the Paradise Warlords are just a bunch of weak bitches, and Hancock doesn't count because she's in the Calm Belt." She glanced over at her personal homies. "What do you guys think?"

Nitro and Rabiyan glanced at one another, and the returned to grinning blankly at their mistress.

"Little bit of both?" Pudding nodded. "Yeah, you're right, probably a bit of both."

Meanwhile, Cross huffed and puffed with exertion as he came down from his rage-high. " _Ugh, I liked those two better when they were stuck in frickin'_ squirrels… _Anyway, where was I?"_

" _Any chance I could cut in here?"_

Pudding blinked, outright staring at the snail. "Was that…? No, it couldn't be, she wouldn't dare. I mean, sure, she was always a bit of an idealistic moron, but even _she_ wouldn't be so—!"

"… _Well, that depends. Did you take part in—?"_

" _Of course I did, do you really think anyone in the world wouldn't?"_

" _ **I'll concede**_ _that much,_ IT IS **fun,"** Soundbite said.

" _Mmrg… eh, fine, go ahead. Can't be too upset in the face of news like this!"_ Cross said cheerfully, before blinking. " _Oh, but let me lead in first. Ahem… people of the world, in case the fact that we're celebrating here isn't evidence enough, Thriller Bark has fallen and Moria and his cronies have disappeared… which actually isn't as good as it sounds, seeing as we have no idea where the hell they've all assed off to. If anyone sees hide, hair or… well,_ shadow _of them? Call it in to the nearest Marines. Corrupt or not, I feel safe in saying that the whole world wants those monsters locked away."_

"Huh, so they couldn't seal the deal?" Pudding pouted cutely, glancing in a mirror to confirm that her mask was as good as ever. "Aw, that's too bad. I guess they really are just a bunch of loud, worthless scum after all. Would have been nice if they could have squirmed a _little_ bit before Mama ground their skulls into paste… _ergh, that's revolting!"_ Pudding shuddered as she took a taste from her bowl. "Ugh, too bitter, needs more sugar…"

" _Now, onto more present affairs: See, despite the fact that the denizens of Thriller Bark are all gone, and despite the fact that we… really all but literally raised hell trying to put that shadowy bastard down, the island itself—which, to elaborate, is a massive landmass from the West Blue that Moria converted into a gigantic ship—is still intact, as are all of the seaworthy parts. And as a result of that, one of Moria's more notable prisoners, whose name all of you are very quickly going to come to know, has come up with a crazy brilliant idea. Which we, as a brilliantly crazy crew, have decided to endorse with one hundred percent of whatever rep we might have! And thus, I cede my speaker to her. Rock the world, my friend!"_

" _With pleasure! Ladies and gentlemen, assorted buccaneers and corsairs across the six seas! My name is Lola, Captain of the Rolling Pirates, former prisoner of Moria, and newly made ally of the Straw Hat Pirates!"_

_SMASH!_

Pudding gaped at the snail with all three of her eyes wide in shock, ignoring the fact that her bowl had slipped through her fingers and sprayed chocolate all over her cute shoes. "That _idiot,"_ she breathed in honest, if disgusted, awe. "She actually got away while being that _stupid?_ Holy _shit."_

" _I'm taking this opportunity to deliver an announcement with the world: my crew and I have decided that in order to truly desecrate the memory of Moria's reign upon the island-ship once known as Thriller Bark… here, upon this tainted soil, we will found the single_ greatest _pirate haven this world has ever and hopefully will_ ever _see! A truly free city, beholden to none but those within! A city wholly dedicated to laughter and pleasure and joy for all who have the courage to go out to sea and hoist the black flag in the name of freedom and adventure!"_

"Heh… HAHAHAHAHA!" Pudding threw her head back and cackled madly, her years of culinary expertise allowing her to shriek her sadistic joy while also getting a fresh batch started. "She really _is_ that stupid! And now Mama's gonna grind her and anyone _stupid_ enough to be near her to _dust!_ Ooooh!" Her laughter ceased, an eager glint in her eyes. "And then, when she and the rest of the neanderthals that I call siblings are celebrating afterwards, maybe I can loot their pockets for spare change and—!"

" _Oh, and if anyone's thinking of swinging by for_ whatever _reason that doesn't involve a good time?"_ Lola added almost as an afterthought. " _Fair warning to you: We're still located in the Florian Triangle."_

Pudding froze mid-celebration, even her stirrer stilling in shock. "…eh?"

" _It sounds a bit farfetched, I'm aware, but rest assured that we of the Rolling Pirates have found a way to… let's say_ coexist _with the Triangle. As such, those who come here with good intentions will be free to enter, but everyone else?"_ The way the snail's eyes narrowed menacingly, there was _no_ doubt in Pudding's mind as to who _specifically_ her sister was addressing. "Tough luck."

Pudding didn't need a fully functioning Third Eye to see where _this_ was going, and she showed as much when she cursed furiously and leapt at Nitro. "Congeal, _congeal!"_

Thankfully, the slimy Jelly Homie immediately did just that, its gooey mass thickening right as Pudding stuffed it in her ears…

"— _ **AAAAAAGGGHHH!"**_

And _right_ as a wave of pure rage slapped clean across Cacao Island, shaking the walls of Pudding's recently cooked house and cracking every sugar-glass window in its pane.

Once the assault was over, Pudding slowly dragged Nitro's slime out of her ears, wincing at the sensation, and stared at the relative destruction around her, this far from Whole Cake Island, in awe, her mind trying and failing to imagine what ground zero looked like.

"Kudos, Lola…" she breathed to herself. "You just managed to paralyze the whole of Totland for _weeks."_

**-o-**

" _From now on, when a pirate ventures into the mists of the Florian Triangle?"_ Lola proclaimed proudly. " _No longer will they be devoured by the foreboding jaws of Thriller Bark! But rather, they will be met with open arms and good cheer_ by the pirate nation of SKELTER BITE! YEEEAAAH!"

" _YEEEEAAAAAAH!"_ the rest of the Rolling Pirates cheered alongside their captain.

"…Well. That's the last time I miss a group meeting," Hina said tightly, a breath away from setting the tip of her cigarette aflame. "If this isn't what Ophiuchus called about, I'll eat my gloves."

"You think she's going to clue the rest of the world into how they expect to create an effective haven in that dead, sunless patch of sea?" Fullbody wondered.

" _Now, of course, this haven_ is _still a work in progress; it could hardly be anything else when it was Moria's hell not even a day ago, but we can still promise you all a place to rest without worry of persecution,"_ Lola continued. " _Once we're up and running, we'll take standard payment, but in the meantime, labor to help make this place what it's meant to be will suffice. For anyone who's alright with that, it won't be hard to find the place; the Rolling Pirates will have scouts on the lookout for any ships that take the leap of faith and venture into the fog, and we'll hail anyone without malicious intent and lead them to the island."_

"Guess not," Jango shrugged carelessly. "Makes sense that they would want to keep the secret of how they're keeping the island safe and hidden… well, a secret!"

"I suppose the finer details are for Masons' ears only," Hina muttered. She then side-eyed her seconds-in-command. "And _no,_ we are not swinging by there if they ever have a Dance and/or Karaoke Night!"

" _Damn it!"_ the pair cursed, snapping their fingers in synch.

**-o-**

"…I still can't get past it!" Namur snapped in exasperation. "How does a group of rookies come out of nowhere and not only topple two Warlords but recruit entire _islands_ in the process?"

"Maybe he's getting a head start on coming after Red-Hair and me," Whitebeard mused with a rumbling chuckle. "But it's still impressive that they managed to get anything good out of that ocean."

" _Alright, that's the basics, and hopefully I'll be able to offer more details in a month or two. Now, back to your regularly scheduled Voices of Anarchy."_

"Hmm…"

The septuagenarian Emperor glanced down at his First Division Commander, who'd just hummed thoughtfully. "Got something on your mind?"

"Yeah…" Marco nodded slowly, a smirk starting to play across his face. "A dilemma, of sorts: Should the name of the bar our representative sets up on Skelter Bite be named as a reference to the crew, or should they choose it themselves?"

All eyes snapped straight to the First Division Commander, everyone present trying to make sense of what he'd just said.

"A… bar?" Haruta repeated blankly.

"Or rather…" Vista picked up as he sported an eager grin. "An _embassy,_ yes?"

The phoenix-man nodded proudly as he pointed at the other Commander. "Hole in one, swordsman."

"Hrm…" Whitebeard leaned back in his seat ( _not_ a throne, as he'd emphasized many a time; at this point, he swore his children were doing it on purpose) and scratched at his cannula. "Now that you mention it… it _does_ sound like the Warlords _have_ been getting uppity back in Paradise… and it _would_ have been nice to give Ace more backup during his hunt than just two of our allies…"

"Still whole!" Speed Jiru dutifully informed them all, the Whitebeards' Vivre card catalogue open at his feet. "Along with Whitey and Squard, and still pointing to Paradise! Probably, I dunno, lost their snails or somethin'?"

"And those issues _could_ have been rectified if we'd kept an active presence across the Red Line, which a base of operations would facilitate," Marco smoothly concluded. "Plus, another line of income never hurts."

"Mmph," Whitebeard nodded in agreement. "Very well then. Get me a list of volunteers and I'll choose who goes. Can't have all of you running off for a vacation posting at once, now can I?"

While the rest of the crew chuckled good naturedly at the jab, the SBS forged on.

" _Thank you very much, Lola,"_ Cross said with exaggerated—though not mocking—politeness. " _Now, as much as I'd love to jump right into the victory party, I have a promise to fulfill. All of you former shadowless all over the world… if you'd like to call in and share your stories? Now is the time. The lines are open."_

"You know, I have a feeling that if anyone in Marineford is second-guessing that _ludicrous_ bounty," Jozu said. "They won't be for much longer."

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ **AAAAND** _ **here comes Caller Number One**_ — _Puru puru puru puru!"_ Soundbite sang.

" _No time like the present! And you are_ live!"

" _Marine Code 32296, Chief Warrant Officer Ernest Gheilt. May I speak, Jeremiah Cross?"_

Any further discussion of embassies was promptly stabbed in the face, all attention going to the snail, which held a carefully neutral expression.

" _I won't hang up on someone just because they're a Marine,"_ was all Cross said in response. Gheilt took the silence that followed for the cue that it was.

" _I enlisted in the Navy at the earliest opportunity I got, and my iaijutsu helped me advance through the ranks. Two years ago, I was promised a promotion to Ensign and a post in Marineford, but sailing for the Tub Current to reach it, my ship was caught in a storm, and was blown off course into the Florian Triangle. It goes without saying what happened there… when I came to and realized what had happened, I called my superiors and informed them… and ever since that day, I've been denied my promotion and kept out of sight. Deskwork and chore duty… I kept my rank, my men, and my ship, but I was reduced to nothing more than a glorified grunt that they would rather forget about! I found myself falling into despair… but I've realized since then that there's one good thing that came of it. Being trapped inside all day as I was, what else could I do… but listen to the SBS?"_

The snail's face split into a malicious grin.

" _Jeremiah Cross, I am here to affirm,_ completely, _your words about the Marines' corruption, and now that you have restored my life and the lives of my men, it is with great pleasure that I announce our collective resignations. If we ever meet, we are at the service of the Straw Hat Pirates. KA-LICK!"_

Gheilt hung up abruptly, and it took a moment for Cross to regain his bearings. And then… he _smiled._

"Hoo boy," Haruta winced sympathetically.

"That is the sign," Jozu huffed heavily. "Of the start of a _very_ bad day for the World Government."

" _That,"_ Cross smirked victoriously. " _Is what I would call a sign of today… being a_ very _good day. For aaaaaall sapient-kind."_

And so, over the next few hours, the SBS turned out several more shadowless, some anonymous, others undisguised. Tales such as a teenager talking about his parents being able to step into the sun for the first time in as long as he could remember, a pirate crew that swore out of newfound respect to the Straw Hats to live by their standards from then on, a few more Marines announcing their resignations to the world, and Margarita the maid calling in once more, with a party going on in the background that was just as rambunctious as the Straw Hats'… or, alternatively, the one that was being thrown by the Whitebeards themselves, and likely dozens of others the world over at that point.

In the end, it could be said that both statements, oceans apart, were ultimately played out to their logical extremes.

**-o-**

A few hours later found me sighing as I stared over the Sunny's edge at the open sea; with the party done, our crew decently recovered, the World Government presumably licking its new wounds, and Skelter Bite ready to start forming as it needed to, there was no more reason to put off setting sail for the next adventure. And so I stood on the edge of the King of the Waves, gazing out unto the horizon… even as two of my closest comrades walked up to stand beside me.

"So, Cross," Nami started, leaning on her elbows as she observed the blue skies with a lazy grin. "What's coming up next on the agenda?"

"Heh," Zoro scoffed dismissively as he waved a hand in the air. "Should be obvious already, witch: Everywhere we go, there's a fight ready and waiting for us. Isn't that right, chatterbox?"

I snorted at that. "'Chatterbox', _that's_ a new one!"

" **More appropriate** _for me too~!"_ Soundbite singsang as Lassoo, who along with Funkfreed had apparently become his _second_ favorite mount on the crew sometime during the party, wandered behind us.

"But, ah, anyways…" I scratched my chin contemplatively. "To answer your questions… I'll admit, things are going to be a bit… _interesting_ going forwards."

Images started to flit through my mind, one after the other.

An octopus hanging in a cage, followed swiftly by the same cephalopod tearfully begging for forgiveness.

"Some matters will be a bit personal," I grimaced.

Chains and shackles and blood and misery and _**THEM.**_

My fingers dug into the railing as I bore a scowl. "Others will require a _hell_ of a lot of control."

An iron mask, daunting and furious, shattering to reveal _PFHAHAHAHA!_

I hunched forwards with a barely contained snicker. "There'll be some good times, that's for damn sure!"

And then… and then I sobered up as I thought of him. Thought of Kuma, and everything that had once followed him. "And then… and then there are some parts I'm really gonna need some help figuring out. Important things, that I just can't handle alone."

We stewed in silence after that, until I stood up straight and dusted my hands off with a victorious grin. "Ah, but _big fights,_ Zoro? Sorry, but we're plumb out!"

_That_ got them staring at me incredulously.

"Wha—? _Seriously!?"_ Nami's mouth fell open in shock.

"You're kidding me," Zoro evaluated flatly.

"Eeeee _nope!"_ I popped the P proudly, swinging on my heels as I tugged on a pair of imaginary suspenders. "Thanks to _my_ careful planning and masterful investments, I've successfully wiped out what _should_ have been _the_ ultimate clusterfuck of the century, topping even our little ditty down at Enies Lobby! But now? Poof! As far as my own knowledge and _expert_ opinion is concerned, it's clear skies and smooth sailing from now on apart from one or two _iiiity_ bitty hiccups!" I splayed my hands proudly. "Aaall thanks to me! No money required, I accept payment in the form of everlasting adulation!"

I waited patiently for them to start said adulation… and was awarded with the two _bastards_ exchanging flat looks!

"We're sailing straight into calamity, aren't we?" Nami asked flatly.

"Big time," Zoro nodded with undeserved sagesse. "You go and get Merry to ready Sunny, I'll make sure everyone's at their battlestations."

"OI!" I waved my arms indignantly. "I'm standing _right here!"_

"Yes, you are," Nami gave me a half-lidded look. "You, who gave a seminar just yesterday about taunting fate, and who just waved the _mother of all red capes_ in fate's face."

"You. Complete. _Idiot,"_ Zoro summarized with a defeated sigh.

I opened my mouth to reply… and promptly spun on my heel and started marching down the deck. "GUNNERY MASTER CONIS! Start inspecting all weapons, doubletime! I want every rifle, pistol, cannon and other such peashooters ready to rumble at a moment's notice!"

"Aye-aye, sir!" Conis saluted instinctively, dashing over to the pavilion and disgorging the ship's arsenal, which she proceeded to inspect with a fine-toothed comb.

"SHIPWRIGHT FRANKY! SNIPER USOPP!" Zoro barked. "Whatever the hell you two were working on before the party started, doubletime it and get it finished _ON THE DOUBLE!"_

"AYE-AYE!" the two of them said hastily, diving below deck.

"CAPTAIN LUFFY!" Nami roared. "Spit that out, you don't know where it's been!"

"Awww…" Luffy groaned momentarily before spitting out Mikey's head, who waddled off with a shudder and mutters of 'BBQ sauce' and 'last time I ever'.

"Oh, Chef Sanji~!" Perona sing-sang as she stretched out in her lawnchair, which did _wonders_ for the moderately skimpy bikini she was sporting. "A platter of six Wake the Dead tequila shots, on the double please~!"

'RIGHT AWAY, MILADY!" The love cook swooned as he spun up and away into the kitchen.

"PERONA!" I snapped my finger up firmly…

_CLANG!_

Before all but _Shaving_ across the deck and cuffing the pasty bitch's wrist to her chair with the pair of Sea Prism Stone cuffs I kept in my bag.

" _WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?"_ I roared at the top of my lungs, drawing the attention of anyone who _hadn't_ been watching us before now.

"Uh… Sunbathing? _Obviously,"_ she responded calmly, though there was an audible bit of venom, probably due to the cuffs. "What, do you think I decided to show this much skin for _your_ benefit or something?"

" _Not_ what I asked, Ghost _Princess,"_ I spat, enough venom in my voice to put down a cobra.

"Looks like we missed one after all," Lassoo growled, his hackles raised in preparation to maul.

"Apparently so," Su said, her calm tone seemingly betrayed by the way her tail was swishing over our arsenal. "Well, there's only one thing to do now."

"Absolutely," Vivi agreed, before _turning towards me!?_ "Cross, start talking."

"THIS IS NOT— _grgh, Scramble!"_ I paused momentarily to snap a glare at Soundbite, and then I nodded gratefully when the buzzing started and Perona blinked in confusion. "Thanks, now where was—? Oh, right, _NOT_ _REMOTELY_ MY FAULT!" I continued to roar irately, this time pointing at the snail. " _HE_ said she was gone, so I thought that either she left with Moria or Kuma blew her away!"

"What?!" Sanji suddenly appeared at my side, a scowl on his face and a platter of shot glasses in his hand. "You were going to leave this sweet young lady to die to another Warlord?"

"NO! Not that kind of… ugh." I ran a hand down my face in exasperation. "Alright, ignoring the 'sweet young lady' bit, I glossed over one other aspect of the Paw-Paw Fruit's power because it wasn't relevant at the time: one of the most creative usages Kuma has for it is pushing _himself_ from place to place, giving the appearance of teleportation."

Sanji simmered down as he understood. "And… he can do it to other people too?"

I nodded, keeping my expression carefully neutral. "That and then some; as far as I can tell, he touches you, and the next thing you know you're waking up three days later on an island you've probably never been to before. His range is _insane,_ spans the Blues themselves… but the bastard's wind up is to ask the victim where they'd like to go for 'vacation' before sending them off to some place that fits the bill."

"…So… he's not a bad guy?" Luffy asked with a frown.

"Eh," I waved my hand in a so-so manner. "I'd more compare him to Mihawk: not a lot of conscience, but not a lot of inclination to hurt innocent people, and fair to those who have earned his respect. Force of nature made humanoid and all that."

"Sounds about right," Zoro muttered before refocusing on me. "But we're getting off track. Whatever was supposed to happen didn't, and she's here now. And that really does automatically make it Cross' fault."

I stammered indignantly as all attention turned back to me, and I scrambled for something to say… and an answer came to me.

"Hey, even if _I_ didn't know she'd be here, there are still some people here who have no excuse!" I swung an accusatory finger at my partner. "Soundbite, how did you not hear her!?"

"Because I took precautions," Perona answered.

We jumped in surprise, and then we turned our eyes towards Soundbite, who was looking similarly surprised.

"I HAD THE _**scramble UP!"**_

"Not on my hollows," Perona said dryly, gesturing to a trio of ghosts hovering above us, the sea prism stone cuffs on the ground beside her. "And don't bother trying; I ruled out your powers as being able to affect them a long time ago. And before you ask about the cuffs…" She gestured to her pigtails. "You only got _one_ of my hands, dumbass. Any woman pirate who doesn't know keep a hairpin on their person at all times and know how to use it is not only not a pirate, but criminally ignorant to boot."

"She has a point," most of the females of our crew admitted, while the remaining three turned towards Nami with pleading eyes.

"Later," our navigator sighed tiredly. Then she did a double take. "Wait a—! You don't even _have_ hair, Raphey!"

"But I have _pride!"_ Raphey vowed tearfully.

" _Anyways!"_ Perona drew attention back to her with an impatient snap. "As I was _saying…_ I took precautions; I snuck into your ship's hold while you were all unconscious, and then I trailed behind you in my astral form. My body halts all functions when my soul leaves it, so there was nothing for the snail to hear; no heartbeat, no breathing, just a corpse until I returned. Then, when we were far enough out to sea that you couldn't turn back, I came back, came out here, and _tried_ to properly enjoy the first truly beautiful day I've had in over a decade…" she shot me a scathing glare. "Before _you_ decided to so _rudely_ interrupt it."

"Lady," Boss snorted as he slowly cracked his neck side to side. "If that's the _worst_ thing that happens to you today, after all you've _done?_ Then you can count yourself _lucky."_

Credit to the Goth where it was due, if her one-birdie response was anything to go by, she was either stupidly brave or bravely stupid in the face of Boss's implied wrath.

"…OK, so Soundbite has a good excuse… but what about _you?"_ I demanded, pointing at our resident shipgirl. "Why didn't you hear from Sunny right away that we had someone else onboard?"

Merry opened her mouth—

_Mrrrrrr…_

Only for Sunny to cut in with a soft growl. Merry's eyes widened as her mouth closed.

"…What exactly was that?" Perona asked nervously.

"Aye'd ask if you've nevah been on a ghost ship befoah, but that's an obvious question…" Carue muttered.

"What did he say, sis?" Franky asked.

"He, uh… said…" Merry hemmed and hawed uncertainly before drawing her hood down over her eyes with a self-conscious moan. "That he was following my example…"

"Huh?" was the collective response… until Robin pointedly cleared her throat.

"I believe you're referring to me?" she asked lightly.

Merry nodded miserably. "The last time a surviving member of a criminal group stowed away… she became a beloved crewmate."

…Well, even _I_ couldn't say anything against that. But apparently Perona could.

"Oh, please, I have no interest in joining your band of lucky rookies," she waved her hand with a snooty sniff. "I'm only here because I don't have anywhere else to go, and because you wrecked the only home I've known for years now, _you all_ get to take responsibility!"

Dead silence, _fiiiilled_ with dread.

Perona glanced around in confusion. "What? What is it?"

"That's _exactly_ what Robin said," deadpanned most of those who had been present for her recruiting, with the archaeologist herself chuckling and blushing quite a bit.

Perona's eye twitched, and she mumbled something beneath her breath. I didn't need Soundbite's help to catch the words, 'knew I'd regret this,' before she huffed and folded her arms proudly. "Alright, let me make it clear what I want!" the ghost princess announced in a haughty tone. "Since you uncute but badass bastards seem to be able to get through anything, I want to hitch a ride on your ship until I can find another island where I'd be happy living, and where the Marines _can't_ get to me! That's! It! After that, no more piracy! I only ever did it because Moria asked me to, and _that_ blew up in my face spectacularly! As of this moment, I am a guest on your ship and _nothing more!_ Happy?"

Our reactions were wide and varied, but most prominent of all were Sanji's "MOST DEFINITELY!", Vivi's "Not a chance in—!", Usopp's "THE POWER OF SOGEKING COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF SOGEKING COMPELS YOU!"…

And of course, the _crowner_ of them all… Luffy's "Meh, sure."

_That_ drew a chorus of defeated groans from all of us, and a bout of preening from Perona.

"Glad even a dumbass like you can see reason!" she nodded contentedly, even going so far as to give us all a bastardized curtsy as she remained in her supine position. "I am in your care. Please, take _good_ care of me." I swear, _butter_ wouldn't have melted in that frigid bitch's _anywhere_ at that moment.

"Well, this isn't a cruise ship, honey," Nami cut in, her fierce growl in stark contrast to her completely pleasant demeanor. "If you want passage, you're going to have to work like the rest of the crew."

Perona's response was to glance at our second mate out of the corner of her eye before withdrawing a file from somewhere and beginning to buff her nails. "Did I mention I offloaded Moria's treasure room into this ship's hold while I was leaving? Because I did that. I think it was worth around, oh… 300 million beris?" She drew the file away and started examining her nails. "I don't really need it, so call it a payment for the passage."

"I _knew_ it didn't make any sense for Moria to not have _any_ treasure, stupid, _stupid,_ " Donny muttered as he rapped his forehead against his staff, his fellow disciples nodding in defeated agreement.

"Like I said, Sanji, get our passenger those shots she requested," Nami swiftly replied, her expression shifting not an iota.

"Of course, Nami-swan~!"

"That happened with Robin, too," I observed blandly, taking my well-deserved staticky dopeslap on the chin. "And now that I think about it, aren't you supposed to be some kind of a perky goth chick? And don't the goth avoid the sun like _acid?"_

"Uh, yeah, no duh?" Perona snorted as she squeezed a glob of tanning gunk into her hand. "That's the whole point. Thanks to you getting Moria running and Hogback landing in the Marine's hands, they're going to be after me and Absalom's asses as soon as they can squeeze our descriptions from that fat sack of sweat and slime. And when they start looking, they'll be looking for a pale, pasty goth…" The Ghost Princess's grin widened as she liberally applied the oil to herself. "And _not_ a tanned beach bunny."

"…OK, credit where it's due: that's actually smart." I reluctantly admitted.

"Trickster crew, bigmouth," Perona giggled as she dabbed a stripe of sun- _screen_ down her nose, "I might be a brat, but I'm definitely a brat with a brain."

I took that in, along with everything else… and what I had seen of her before. She was an outright _ally_ last time I saw her, and though I had apparently butterflied that chain of events away, it wasn't unsalvageable. Far from it. For the time being…

"Alright," I said, turning to face everyone else, the look on my face doing enough to reassure them. "I think we can trust her for now; Moria, Hogback, and Absalom may have been incorrigible, but she isn't. Even if she doesn't join us, I'll be happier knowing where she is rather than playing a guessing game. Agreed?"

I took the unsatisfied but relatively affirmative rounds of grumbling I got with a nod. "Close enough. Alright, freak show's over everyone." I swung my arms out. "Dismissed."

And with that, everyone trickled off to return to whatever it was they'd been doing before, though this time around with a _lot_ more sidelong glares in a certain sunbather's direction.

And that was _almost_ that… except that before Nami could leave, Perona sat up. "Oh, say, hang on a sec," she requested hastily. "Thanks to you guys' demolition derby through the manor, a lot of my wardrobe got wrecked and I couldn't grab much in way of changes of clothes. You look like you're my size, mind if we share?"

"Vivi and Robin all over again…" Nami grumbled as she glanced skywards before nodding reluctantly. "Fine, you can borrow some clothes until the next town we reach, but that's it!" She then jabbed her hand at the Ghost Princess. "And no borrowing my jewelry!"

Perona pouted petulantly. "Awww, seriously?" She pointed at Nami's wrist. "Not even that chic bangle you've got there? It looks really—!"

**ZAP!**

"GAH!" Perona flinched when a bolt of lightning seared the corner of her chair.

" _ESPECIALLY_ not this," Nami intoned darkly, her Eisen Tempo crackling ominously. "Touch it, and you'll spend this trip tied to the _prow."_

Perona snapped her hands up in surrender. "OK, OK, no touch, got it!" The second Nami turned her back in a huff, she allowed herself to relax with a scowl. "Greedy _bitch…"_

I blinked in surprise as I followed Nami, honestly taken aback at how steamed she was. "Well, that was new. You've certainly never threatened _us_ like that before… I take it that _that,"_ I pointed at the hoop of gold. "Isn't a typical part of the hoard."

Nami stopped short in her tracks, blinking at me in surprise. "Everything you know, and you don't know what this means to me?"

"I told you before, I'll tell you again: I'm well-informed _,_ not omniscient," I reiterated with a roll of my eyes. "Seriously, what's so important about it?"

"Eh…" Nami hesitated slightly before shrugging dismissively. "In all honesty, not much…" A grin grew on Nami's face as she caressed the bangle lightly. "And at the same time, everything."

Nami looked up and smiled brightly at me.

"Nojiko gave it to me, before I left. She said she wanted me to have a way to always remember the East Blue. Sweet, huh?"

**Xomniac AN: Break out the climbing gear, fellas, we done gone and done it again.**

**Cross-Brain AN: Our apologies in advance, loyal fans, but the next chapter may be a while; now that the Thriller Bark arc is finished, we have no excuse left not to plan out the final saga of the first half. We already have the basics, of course… but when it gets started, it's going to be a continuous chain of whams, and we need to do it right.**

**Patient AN: There's also the fact that I'm in the midst of job-searching and Superego is in the midst of a week-long family reunion.**


	5. Chapter 5

###  **Chapter 60: Chapter 53: Training And Torment! The Ghost Princess Is Settling In!**

**Cross-Brain AN: The following arc shall be a unique one: As the Straw Hats enjoy themselves a blissful little bit of shore leave in this mini-saga, so too shall you readers enjoy a break… from Cross! Hit it!**

"Hammer."

Tool pressed into his hand, Usopp slipped his goggles down, kneeled in the grass of the Thousand Sunny's pavilion, and carefully maneuvered the hammer to _just_ the right spot. He hoped. Sea prism stone, for all its hardness and the fact that it was a metal, was _very_ brittle fresh from cooling down from forge temperatures. He and Franky, who was watching closely behind him, had found _that_ out the hard way, and neither was very eager to wait for _another_ island where they could heat a forge hot enough to melt the stuff.

Finally locating the spot, he raised the hammer and brought it down, the clay covering the hook cracking and flaking off. Underneath, the stone was pristine, and Usopp breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, looks good," he reported, straightening up as he wiped his forehead. "Even if the heating function doesn't work, Boss'll be able to brain people just fine."

"It'll _super_ work," Franky stated with all the certainty of most conspiracy theorists. Taking the hook, he slotted a Dial into an open crevice, clicked a panel into place, and tapped it on the anvil, a telltale heat haze rising seconds later. "See?"

Usopp whooped victoriously and pumped his fist. "Finally! Man, this was taking _forever!"_ The tinker-sniper grinned eagerly as he wrung his hands. "The next ones should be _super_ easy now!"

"Don't steal my line, long nose," Franky chuckled in warning, absentmindedly reaching for their cache of weapons. His hands closed on air and sackcloth, and he glanced over at the limp, sad, empty sack. "Hey, Usopp, where _are_ the next ones?"

"Huh?" Usopp glanced over at the bag before snapping his fingers. "Oh, yeah, I decided to wait on getting those because of how tricky I thought it would be to make the materials cooperate."

"Well, you were right, but we've got it now. So, where's—aha!" Franky exclaimed, leaning out of the pavilion and pointing upward.

Usopp followed his finger to the sleeping form of Cross, lying on a few ropes tied between two of Sunny's lines. He frowned. "Hey, Franky, did you consider putting some hammocks on Sunny's masts during the design process?"

"Nope," Franky replied. "But I'm not surprised Cross improvised one anyway. Honestly, I'm amazed that the whole thing hasn't come undone yet."

"And… for curiosity's sake, where's the control panel for those lines?"

A grin slowly came over Franky's face as he jabbed a thumb at a nearby section of paneling. "From what I've managed to get out of Merry's modifications? Third panel from the right, right over there," he said, voice brimming with anticipation.

Usopp nodded, and then eyed Cross snoozing contentedly in his makeshift hammock. He looked back at the hidden controls for the Sunny's lines, and then at the tactician again, an evil grin growing on his face, joined by an equally evil glint in his eyes and a silent thumbs-up from Franky. Creeping up to the controls, he took a few seconds to examine them and then rapped his knuckles against the panel.

To Usopp's alarm—and a little amusement—Cross was _not_ flipped onto the deck by the lines suddenly unraveling as he'd planned. What _did_ happen was arguably even better: a pulley came falling out of the sky and did verily smack him right on the forehead. Letting out a cry of pain, Cross clutched his forehead and immediately flailed himself out of his resting place and onto the deck with a meaty thump.

"Sonnuva—what the hell, Merry!?" he yelped, clutching his forehead.

"NOT IT!" Merry called out from the helm, more amusement than offense in her voice.

"Sorry, Cross!" Usopp called back as he vaulted out of the pavilion, hiding the urge to snicker. "That was me! I was just trying to get the ropes to flip you onto the lawn!"

"Same question!"

"Fastest way to wake you up, and it would have been a soft landing, plus it was going to be, and still was, funny," was the shameless answer. "And now that you're up, I just finished confirming that sea prism stone doesn't interfere with Dials, so I need to borrow your hat and armor so I can upgrade them."

Cross blinked, and then he flipped himself into a sitting position, his annoyance and frustration visibly gone. "Sea prism stone upgrades? That's what you were working on?" he asked.

"What the heck did you expect after that fiasco on Thriller Bark?" Franky replied, slipping his fist's skin off and displaying his new (literal) brass knuckles. "If we had some of this on hand when Moria woke up, it wouldn't have been half the nightmare it was. I doubt that's the last time we'll get blindsided, but thanks to the Accinos and Enies, it _is_ the last time we'll be completely unprepared. Any Ability-user that messes with us in the future is gonna be in for a _nasty_ surprise."

"And so will you unless you can explain why you didn't think to consult anyone else about this."

The trio turned to Zoro, who was climbing down the mast, his usual scowl even more pronounced than normal. "I was willing to go with the salt paste because it was a one-time thing and easy to get off. But I'm not going to lace my swords with—"

"Oh, give it a rest, Zoro, we all know how much of a purist you are," Cross stated flatly, waving away the objections.

"And we took that into account," Usopp added, tossing some bottle cap-like objects at the swordsman, who caught them reflexively. "We designed caps to go on the bottom of your hilts. They're not touching the blades, so no problem there, right?"

Zoro looked from the caps to his swords and then to Usopp. Eventually, he nodded in acceptance.

"I'll need to think about practicing pommel strikes…" he muttered. "Haven't done those in ages…" With that, he stalked off, probably to start training. With his back turned towards them, Usopp visibly relaxed.

"Whew… thank goodness that worked, I saw my life flash before my eyes…" Usopp sighed in relief, before turning his eyes to the third mate. "So, Cross?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll get them to you in a second," he groused, knocking on the mast to bring down a rope. "And for the record? _Watch your head."_

Usopp swallowed nervously as the tactician shot up and out of sight before glancing around. "A-Alright, now, where's Nami?"

"Right here," Nami called, emerging from the back of the ship and walking towards him. "What do you need?"

"I need to borrow your Clima-Tact to refit it with sea prism stone."

Nami blinked, glancing at her staff, then back at Usopp. "Not gonna question it, I'll just roll with the good fortune. How long will it take?"

"Two hours to fit the entire staff, or one if I just do the orbs or the rods."

"Just go for the orbs, then," Nami said, handing over the staff. "I'd rather not have it out of reach for longer than I need to, and we're better off leaving some space so that if someone other than me needs to grab it, they don't get conked out."

"Ditto there!"

_CLANG!_

"GAH!" Usopp yelped, his heart rate spiking as a mass of armor sailed inches above his head. He immediately turned on Cross as the third mate rode a line back down to the deck, his limbs wrapped in bandages. "What was that for!?"

"Oh, lighten up, it was _funny!"_ the transdimensional traveler said in a god-awful imitation of Usopp's own voice. "But, ah, in all seriousness, I'm with Nami. I'd prefer it if Chopper could actually touch me while he put me back together."

"And if we didn't conk right out whenever he grabbed us, that'd be _great,"_ Lassoo added from where he was snoozing in the sun.

"Don't worry, I'll just give him Sea-Stone knuckles along with a few traces on the inside for reinforcement," Usopp assured them. "They won't be anywhere near you."

"Then in that case, do your best!" Funkfreed chimed in.

Light glinted off of Franky's teeth as he flashed them all a thumbs-up. "You can _super!_ count on us!"

"Well, while we're counting on them…" Cross mused thoughtfully, shooting an eager grin at his larger partners. "You guys wanna touch up on me dual-wielding you? It'd be nice to get some input on how to coordinate using the two of you at the same time!… Y'know, outside of pitched combat."

"Wha— _Seriously!?"_ Lassoo barked eagerly, scrambling to his paws and loping up to his wielder with an eager whoof, nearly bowling Cross over in his slobbering enthusiasm. "Hells yes! Let's see some action!"

" _ **WATCH IT, ODIE!"**_ Soundbite gagged as he snapped into his shell. "I CAN TAKE SOME FOREIGN SLIME, _NOT A FLOOD!"_

"Gah! Alright, alright, down boy!" Cross laughed, holding the dog away by his chest. Once he had some breathing room, he eyed the dog with an appreciative whistle. "Eesh, boy, watch it, you almost flattened me! Seriously, have you put on weight or something?"

"The better to blast them with!" Lassoo crowed, fangs flashing.

"He's got a point there!" Funkfreed said as he used his trunk to haul his fellow weapon off. "But, ah, first, before we get into it, _maybe_ we should talk a little first so that we can hash things out?"

"Ah… eheh, right…" Lassoo smiled sheepishly, one hind leg going up to scratch at his ear. "Fair 'nuff…"

"LET'S GET TO IT!" Soundbite commanded.

And with that, the quartet moved to a corner of the deck and started to talk.

Franky, meanwhile, had gone back into the pavilion, and as Cross and his partners went to work he'd hauled a large bag out and dropped it on the lawn. "Alright, that's all the Dial-based weapons except for Conis's—"

"And I've already got enough non-Dial weapons of hers outfitted, along with some ammo that I'll be splitting with her," Usopp finished, digging through the bag and handing out the appropriate equipment to everyone as they passed by. "For everyone else, we've got a new pipe for Luffy with the ends reinforced—!"

"WOOHOO!" Luffy whooped as he swung by and snatched the pipe out of Usopp's hand. The marksman, to his credit, didn't miss a beat.

"—two pairs of detachable soles for Sanji, four scalpels for Chopper, a butterfly knife for Robin—and I still say it's freaky how good she is with those things, former assassin or not."

"Well, I _am_ from the West Blue," Robin chuckled, spinning the blade through her fingers with terrifying expertise. "And… 'former,' hmm? Cute."

Usopp gulped audibly, tugging at his collar. "R-Right… anyway, the blades for Vivi and Carue's weapons have been tempered, along with Raphey's shuriken and sai, and we've reinforced Mikey's nunchucks and Donny's staff. With all that, we don't have a lot of sea prism stone left unless we wanna cut into the half-dozen pairs of cuffs we have left—"

"Hell to pay if you do!" Cross called over.

"Noted!" Franky shouted back before cocking an eyebrow at his partner-in-forge. "So what else do we need and can we pull it off with what we have left?"

"Uh, let's see…" Usopp muttered. "A few of Donny's Kunai if we can manage it… and we still need something for Brook and Merry. Brook is easy enough, we can just reinforce his sheath, but what about Merry?"

"Easy enough! But first!"

_CLONK!_

"OW!" Usopp yelped as the ship's helmsgirl dropped out of the rigging and bounced off his head.

"Leggo my Big Bro! _Got it?!"_ she ordered, puffing out her cheeks with an adorable scowl on her face. "It was funny that time, but you could have done something really dangerous! Or stupid! Or stupidly dangerous or dangerously stupid!"

"Noted…" Usopp groaned as he poked at the growing lump rising from his scalp. "Anyway… you were saying?"

"Oh, right!" Merry brightened up. "Yeah, it's easy: just make some sheaths or casings or something for some hooks and pulleys. One or two oughta do, and then I can let Big Bro do the rest!"

Usopp and Franky exchanged looks, then turned back to her. "And what about if you're not on the ship?" the marksman asked.

Merry's expression fell flat, and she cast a pointed glance to the side. "Then _someone_ screwed up, and _someone_ is going to get their ass kicked."

"Love you too, Merry," Cross called back, rolling his eyes at the not-so-subtle warning. "And fair warning, you two? Brook should be indisposed right now, so you'll have to fetch his blade yourselves."

"Indisposed? Doing wha—? OK, stupid question, not like anyone's doing much else today," Franky said. "What kind of training is he doing, then?"

"Eh… well, you already know that Brook was in the Florian Triangle for fifty years before we met him," Cross began, grimacing. "But in all that time, he never tried exploring the limits of the Revive-Revive Fruit. Coming back from the dead granted him a few powers that he hasn't explored, and once he unlocks them he's going to get a major boost in abilities. But it all depends on him getting back to the basics of his power first."

"Aaaand… he's doing that _how,_ exactly?" Merry slowly queried.

Cross's grimace deepened, and he glanced to the side and scratched his cheek. "Weeeell…"

**-o-**

"I am experiencing _many_ conflicted feelings at the moment…"

Brook shivered, shaking the bag he was trussed up in as he uneasily eye-socketed the barrel of water sitting under him.

"Trust me, this isn't my idea of fun either," Chopper groused, furiously scribbling his stream of thoughts into a notebook. "But, as uncomfortable as this idea might be, I can't fault Cross's logic. So unless you'd rather go for meditation or something like that—?"

"Grk!" Brook's jaw set uncomfortably, teeth clicking. "My, ah, m-my mind is not exactly the kind of place I would like to willingly delve into, no thank you."

"Then this is the best option we have to get the best results in the shortest amount of time… no matter how much I might not like it…" Chopper sighed in conclusion.

"Not exactly having a fun time here either, ya know!" Donny piped up, gritting his teeth as he shifted his grip on the rope that was keeping Brook suspended above the barrel of seawater. "And why is it that you picked _me_ for this, anyway? Half the crew, _including_ all of my bros outrank me in muscle, and Merry, Robin, and even _Luffy_ outrank me on Devil Fruit knowledge on top of that, and none of them were busy last time I checked!"

"Simple, Donny," Chopper stated, locking eyes with the dugong. "Effective five minutes ago, you're my assistant."

Donny's brain froze up, unable to process the reindeer's statement. He just managed to catch himself before he let Brook's rope slip, but he was still left staring blankly at Chopper with his mouth slightly open until the doctor elaborated.

"The crew is taking too many and too serious injuries for me to handle on my own anymore, and while Merry has the skills to help me, she's got muscle memory but not much else," Chopper answered, not looking up from his note-taking. "She'll do for first aid, and nursing with a little training, but I need someone else for a more permanent position, and until further notice that's going to be you, unless you're going to tell me that you don't want it."

Donny blinked several times as he thought it over. He was always the smart one among his siblings and often was the one who told them how to patch up their injuries with the local remedies back in Alabasta. All things considered, he wasn't really opposed to the idea of standing by Chopper, and he was reasonably sure that Boss would allow it (however grudgingly) It was still a big a decision to make, though, and he frowned in contemplation as he weighed the pros and cons.

"And before you ask if you can have more time to think it over, know that I very nearly defaulted to pinning you with a needle of paralytics before dragging you up here; _you do not want to live with me if I need to spend a week in sedated sleep again,"_ Chopper added.

Donny snapped his flipper into a salute. "I accept this position with— _GYAH!"_ he yelped as his one-handed grip on the rope promptly slipped and he was awarded with a painful rope burn. Immediately, he scrambled to get the rope back under control, earning more rope burns in the process.

"ACK! CAREFUL, CAREFUL!" Brook cried as he jerked downwards and swung precariously over the watery coffin.

"Watch it, we need to be careful about how we do this!" Chopper chastised his newly chosen apprentice.

"And what exactly _is_ 'this'?" came another voice.

The trio all turned their attention to a corner of the quarterdeck, where a previously sun tanning Perona had lifted her sunglasses onto her forehead and was regarding them with a cocked eyebrow.

Chopper and Donny exchanged uncertain looks, silently considering how much information they could or should divulge, only for the choice to be taken from their hands when Brook spoke up.

"Per Cross's advice, I am attempting to explore the capabilities of my Devil Fruit powers," he casually explained.

Both hybrids looked at the skeleton in askance, to which he responded with a light shrug, inasmuch as he could manage in his sack. "She's a young girl who had no active part in either parts of my torment, I see no reason for a grudge or secrecy." He then turned back to Perona. "You see, as you've no doubt already guessed, I am as I am thanks to my Devil Fruit: the Revive-Revive Fruit, which, upon my first death, allowed my soul to return to the mortal coil and repossess my fallen body… if in a degraded state."

Perona blinked in legitimate surprise. "…Wow. Somehow, I'm actually still surprised by just how BS Devil Fruits can be," she deadpanned. "But how is dunking you in the water supposed to help you get a better grip on your powers? I don't need to why that doesn't make sense, I hope."

"Simply put, I'm returning to my power's roots," Brook explained. "As you'll recall, I said I returned to this world as a soul and then repossessed my body. According to Cross, this possession was _not_ permanent, and I am fully capable of returning to my astral state, which could be useful for a variety of reasons. Most of all, disassociating myself from my body and ignoring such limitations as pain or injury to my corporeal form, which should rightly have no effect on me so long as I acknowledge that my skeleton is a mere shell. A convenient and dear shell, but _just_ a shell. However…"

Brook's jaw twisted into as much of a grimace as it could manage. "Returning to my astral form is not as easy as it would sound. It has been fifty years since I returned from the afterlife, fifty years since I regained my body…"

Perona's expression fell into a deadpan. "And… you forgot how."

"Less that I forgot, more that I never knew that I could return to my soul state in the first place, in addition to not thinking there was any advantage to such a 'devolution', as I initially viewed it," Brook shrugged.

"Hence, this undertaking," Chopper spoke up, tapping the barrel. "Cross suggested this as an alternative to long hours of meditation, and as much as I don't like it, I agree with the train of thought: By slowly dunking Brook into the water, his instincts as a Devil Fruit user will make him desperate to escape, but his restraints will leave him only one possible means of doing so. In essence, we're going to be scaring him from… his… body…" Suddenly, Chopper turned his full attention to the ship's guest. "Unless you have any better ideas?"

The self-titled Ghost Princess snorted derisively as she flicked her sunglasses back down and leaned back into her chair, snapping her reflector board open. "None I'm going to share with _you_ , furball."

"What!?" the doctor yelped in honest shock. "But we just—!"

"Lemme take a flying guess at her next words," Donny interrupted as he affixed the stowaway with a cold glare. "'Pirate', right?"

"You really struck gold with blubber-butt, Doc Hatchet," Perona sang, a smirk clear despite the reflector in the way. "He's already smarter than you."

Chopper glared at her for a second longer before snapping his head away with a harsh click of his tongue. "We're beginning the experiment. Donny, lower him in. Just a half-foot, we'll start easy."

"Aye," the purple-marked Dugong nodded, loosening his grip and slowly allowing his rope to slip through his flippers. Brook tensed as he lowered closer to the barrel. Water soaked into the fabric, and then through, engulfing his bony feet and prompting him to squirm.

"Anything?" Chopper called up with no small amount of concern.

"Ah…" Brook flinched uneasily as he shifted about. "A bit uncomfortable, and I'm trying my best to… to go _up,_ as it were, but, well…"

"If you want to stop—"

"No, no, I can continue," Brook assured him.

"Alright then…" Chopper nodded slowly before glancing at his assistant. "Donny, another half-!"

"For the sake of my being able to relax without your _pathetic_ whimpering, let me give you some advice."

"Wha— _GAH!"_ Chopper yelped when a foot was suddenly planted in his back, sending him sprawling him to the ground to be swiftly pinned.

Perona sniffed haughtily as she ground her heel into the Zoan's spine, casting a dispassionate glare at the skeleton. "The key to separation? You just need to _let go,_ numbskull _._ And on that note…" An unearthly cackling aura suddenly bloomed in her palm. "Good luck because you're gonna need it. NEGATIVE HOLLOW!"

It would be untrue to say that Donny didn't have the reflexes to dodge out of the way of the speeding specter. However, the fact that he was holding a rope that was keeping his crewmate out of hot water—or water, period, as it were—caused him to hesitate for a moment. And that moment was all the time he had.

Donny moaned and fell to his 'knees' as the specter passed through him. "I wish someone would just cook me into a—!"

_SPLASH!_

"GAH!" Water splashed onto Donny's body, knocking him out of his depression with a flash of horror. "BROOK!" Donny cried, staring in horror at the water sloshing from the barrel.

"BROOK, NO!" Chopper yelled, snapping into his Heavy Point—which was actually unnecessary as Perona had already stepped back as soon as she'd cast out her Negative Hollow—rushing over to the barrel and plunging his hand into the water, in spite of how it took a good chunk from his stamina. "Shit-shit-shit-shit—!"

"Hurry, Chopper! You have to get me out before I drown!" Brook pleaded desperately as he hovered over Chopper's shoulder.

"I'm trying, I'm trying!"

"Please, I can't hold my breath!"

"You don't have any breath to hold, numbskull. More than usual, even," Perona deadpanned, casting a dispassionate glare over her reflector.

"Eh?" Brook blinked in confusion, turning to stare at the Ghost Princess. "What are… you…?" He blinked again (even though he lacked eyelids), and turned back to his crewmates, who were staring at him in shock. "Ah… why are you looking at me like that?"

Chopper, devoid of words as he was, could only weakly point his finger into the barrel.

Tilting his head in confusion, Brook followed the Zoan's finger and stared into the water. Beneath the water's surface, a skeleton was slumped lifelessly. And reflected _in_ the water's surface was—!

"AH! A ghost!" Brook recoiled with a shriek of terror. Then, just as swiftly, he calmed down as realization struck him. "Oh, wait, that's me. AH! I'm dead! Oh, wait, that's not new… OH! A cute woman!" The spectral pirate grinned eagerly at Perona. "Say, could you show me your—?"

"Could someone give Grampa his body back before he goes _completely_ senile?" Perona demanded impatiently.

"But… isn't his brain _already_ dead?" Donny questioned weakly.

"Yohohoho! That was funny! I think I'll call it a Skull Joke!" Brook chortled before jerking back in shock. "AH! A talking animal! Oh, wait, you're my crewmate… AH! Where am—!?"

Moving fast, Chopper shot his fist into the barrel, yanked the skeleton's afro out and effectively slapped the spirit upside his astral head with his own skull.

Brook yelped in shock, his skull vibrating slightly, his mood quickly ratcheting down to a relieved sigh. "Ah… ack… wow… that was… hoo…" the newly re-undead skeleton sighed in relief. "Well, at least I'm back to normal."

"Uhh… For… a given measure of the term anyways…" Donny hedged uneasily.

"Huh? What are yoouu _WAAAAGH!"_ Brook's question devolved into a terrified shriek when he suddenly realized he was missing his body, and was in fact just a talking head in Chopper's shaky hands. "I'VE BEEN DECORPITATED!"

"And yet, much to my misery, you are still very much alive and still very _noisy,"_ Perona grumbled irritably. "Looks like loudmouth was right: You're just a soul, you don't need your body… well, you still do for now, until you manage to get ahold of yourself in astral form."

His breath back, Chopper slowly turned a wary but pleading look to the girl. "Do… could you _please_ tell us what just happened… _Ghost Princess?"_

Perona blinked at the usage of her title, but then leaned back in her chair with a careless wave of her hand. "Eh… it's no big deal, really. It's just that going astral can be _really_ disconcerting. Without your body, your mind gets set loose or something and you can lose track of yourself pretty fast. You just need to make sure you've got a good sense of self before you try, otherwise?" She shrugged carelessly. "You'll devolve into a will-o-the-wisp and scatter into dust on the aetherial wind."

Chopper and Donny both shuddered fearfully at the Goth's sheer nonchalance at some serious existential horror, but Brook… Brook's gaze, however expressionless, softened somewhat as he regarded the Hollow-girl. "Personal experience, I take it?"

Going by how Perona's body locked up in frigid fury, that was the wrong thing to say. "Get out. Of my light," she grit out through a scowl that had twisted her face, and a trio of cackling Negative Hollows slowly started to orbit around her hand. "Or I will make you idiots wish you were never even _conceived_ , let alone _born_."

For a moment, the trio stood stock still. As it turned out, that was a moment too long.

Perona snarled murderously, her eyes rolling up into blankness. " _ **You asked for it."**_

**-o-**

From her position on the quarterdeck, Merry was well-positioned to both monitor the sea ahead and catch the first screams wafting up from the main deck below. Curious, she quickly confirmed that she could leave the helm at least briefly, and left the wheel to go poke her head over the railing.

She was thus just in time to see Donny, carrying a sloshing barrel of water, and Chopper, carrying Brook's _still-undead_ _head,_ run below her in a panic, all three screaming their, ah, heads off. The cackling, grinning specters heading after them answered the question forming in her mind before it was asked. She blinked a couple of times before sighing fondly and leaning against the stand holding the wheel up.

"This crew never ceases to amaze, do they, Big Bro?"

A soft purring vibrated beneath her fingers and feet, causing her smile to grow. She made to head back to the helm, only for a familiar sound to cause her to head significantly faster in the opposite direction.

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ **AW,** _ **dang it!"**_ Soundbite groused, his ringing drawing the ire of everyone else under the tree he and Cross were under. " _For once,_ THEIR TIMING— _Puru puru puru puru!—_ **bites."**

"Well, if you _really_ wanna split hairs, you're the only one who really needs to go," Lassoo snorted dismissively. "I've got an idea for a new attack I'd like to try out."

"I've… got one, too, actually," Funkfreed said tentatively. "And I think you'll like it, Cross."

"BLOW IT OUT YOUR TAILPIPE, _flea-bag, I've got something up my_ — _Puru puru puru puru!—shell too,_ _ **and you'll wanna hear it**_ **SEEING AS IT** — _Puru puru puru puru!—_ **INVOLVES YOU LUGS!** _ **THE SNAIL STAYS!"**_

The tactician glanced between his partners, visibly hesitating. "I… suppose I could skip _one_ call…?"

And _that_ was when Merry decided to intervene. "Orrrr you _could_ rely on someone else for a change!" she called down in a 'what an idiot' kind of tone.

The quartet all blinked and looked up at her in surprise. "Huh?" Cross questioned. "What are you—?"

"It's easy: Soundbite can shunt the call over to Brain and I'll handle them! If your input's critical, Soundbite can still hear me if he needs to. If not, no harm lost! Easy, right?"

"Hmm…" Merry watched as Cross visibly chewed on his cheek. After a moment of thought, he looked up at Merry. " _Anything_ well-and-truly critical—"

"Five alarm call-out, on the double!" Merry agreed, saluting. "…I'm being literal, I can trigger five alarms at once from the lounge."

"…eh, alright, fine then," Cross sighed, snapping his fingers. "Soundbite, can you—?"

"PATCHED THROUGH— _Puru puru—klack!—_ NOW, _TO BRAIN IN THE LOUNGE!_ _**HAVE FUN,**_ **GIVE 'EM HELL!"**

"Got it! See ya!" Merry said with a grin, giving them all a final wave before kicking open a trapdoor right below her and dropping into one of the many boltholes she'd installed in her Big Bro.

As Merry clambered through her personal passageway, she reveled in the sense of sheer exclusivity she always felt when she used them. The network stretched everywhere throughout the ship, but they were damn small; Chopper's antlers and the Dugongs' blubber meant that even they couldn't enter, leaving only the shipgirl and Su at the right size and physical capability to properly navigate them. It wasn't purely hers, true, but Merry could think of worse comrades to share her network with (She liked Robin well enough, loved her even, but if that woman's incessant patting of her head resulted in a _bald spot…_ ) than the cloud fox.

After a minute of travel, Merry emerged into the Aquarium Lounge. Once she confirmed that the room was indeed empty of any of her crewmates, and in fact of any living thing besides herself, Brain, and the large octopus lounging in an upturned helmet at the bottom of the tank, she sealed the room with a quick knock on the wall and loped up to the ringing chubby snail sitting on one of the tables.

She had just been reaching for the receiver when she paused and, after a moment of thought, adopted a devilish grin that she quickly banished in favor of her _cutest_ look possible. It was with this cute look that she clicked Brain's button. "You've reached Minnie's Maid Service Manor! How may I help you, Master?"

" _Bwuh—!? Er, ah, I-I-I am so sorry, I think I have the wrong number—!"_

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Merry burst out cackling at the poleaxed expression the snail was wearing by proxy. "Now I see why Cross does this so often, it's _hi-i-ilarious!_ MWAHAHAHAHA!"

Brain's gobsmacked look suddenly swapped to deadpan. " _And now you see why I wanted_ you _to be the first on the line instead of me."_

"HAHA—eh?" Merry's laughter cut off in a confused blink. "Wait, Tashigi? But if I didn't prank you, then who—?"

" _Ah, t-this is Lieu—geh, force of habit… Seaman First Class 'Ironfist' Fullbody. I, ah… I actually ran into your crew back in the East Blue. Do you… remember me?"_

Merry's grin creaked into wooden brittleness, and her fingernails started to dig into the table's veneer. "You mean do I remember the _raging asshole_ who tried to sink me on a whim in order to impress the bimbo he was carting around? Even though my crew didn't have a single bounty to its name at the time?" The shipgirl's grin started twitching murderously. "I think I might have a _vague_ recollection of you."

"… _I never thought I'd be_ un- _happy to be remembered,"_ Fullbody gulped audibly, glancing _very_ nervously to the side.

" _We'll discuss this_ later, Seaman," Lieutenant Junior-Grade Tashigi frigidly informed him. " _Alright, moving on from what was even less funny than I expected, Cottonmouth, is Ophiuchus there?"_

"Indisposed with training, along with Knucker and pretty much everyone else except Callie." Merry informed her. "I mean, I could get them if you need them, but—"

" _It… depends,"_ Tashigi said hesitantly. " _This is a status report for the most part, though there is one thing I'd like to get his input on if possible, just to see if he knows anything about it."_

"Priorities first, what may or may not need his know-how?" Merry inquired.

" _Ah, ahem! That's actually why I'm here!"_ Fullbody offered. " _As you'll recall, my superior, Captain 'Black Cage' Hina, wasn't available for the last meeting of the Masons that was convened. The reason for that, and the reason why I'm here now instead of her, is that at the moment, Captain Hina and the rest of the Black Cage Formation are on an assignment in the East Blue, investigating something rather…_ disturbing."

The shipgirl cocked her eyebrow. "In what way, exactly?"

" _Picowana Island,"_ the Seaman started solemnly. " _Up until, as near as we can estimate, a month ago, it was an uninhabited tropical island. No valuable resources, no notable native species, just jungle and not much else of interest. And then, a month ago, somebody or something_ destroyed _it."_

Merry couldn't help but swallow slightly, a sheen of cold sweat coming into being on the back of her neck. "…care to, ah, _clarify_ that statement a bit?"

" _The island itself is still there, if that's what you're asking, the physical rock has not been touched… but that's essentially_ all _that remains."_ Fullbody's gaze became somewhat haunted. " _It was… I'm honestly at a loss to describe it. The entire island, the whole of the jungle, was_ savaged. _Trees were uprooted, crushed, sliced to pieces, the animals were all ripped to shreds in every way imaginable, blood was_ everywhere, _and that was the_ conventional _damage. Some tracts of land were burnt to cinders, there were dozens of animal skeletons that looked like they'd been picked clean, and there were even several swamps of_ literal _poison bubbling away! The carnage, it was just…"_ Fullbody slowly shook his head. " _It was absolute in ways I've never seen before."_

"Holy hell…" Merry breathed softly.

" _We wanted to ask Cross if he knew anything about this,"_ Tashigi picked up, voice solemn. " _We know this isn't technically Mason business, but we—the Marines, that is—have no idea what caused or could have caused that kind of destruction, and we want to find it before it can do so again on another island or, God forbid, one that's actually inhabited."_

"No, I understand, and I'm sure Cross would too…" Merry slowly nodded before transitioning to a shake. "But… while I'll pass this on to Cross, I'm afraid he won't have anything to contribute."

Tashigi grimaced unhappily. " _You're sure about that?"_

Merry let out a slight 'bah' of apology. "Cross said our next destination was the Sabaody Archipelago, and that as far as he knows, we're not due for any more big fights for awhile. I'm pretty sure that if he knew anything about this, he'd have said. So, either this is something totally new or, more likely, it's something that came up outside of his Straw Hat-centric scope of knowledge. And if that really is the case…"

" _He'll have jack to tell us, right, right,"_ Tashigi nodded reluctantly before heaving a sigh. " _Damn, and I was just getting used to getting anything other than a few vague, unsatisfying answers out of him… bah!"_ She shook her head and nodded again, this time with determination blazing in her eyes. " _Whatever! We did fine without Cross in the past and we'll be fine now! We Marines have our pride too, you know!"_

" _Aye-aye, Lieutenant!"_ Fullbody concurred eagerly.

"You go, four-eyes!" Merry pumped her fist encouragingly.

Tashigi maintained her prideful expression for a minute or so. Then, she blinked in honest surprise. " _Wait… so… you're_ not _going to point out some eensy weensy flaw in my logic or jab another hole in my uniform and let all the air out of my renewed confidence and pride in my flag?"_

"Uhhh… nnnoooo?"

"… _I've gotta call while Cross is away more often, I don't think I've ever been on the line with you guys for so long without wanting to stab something before."_

Merry kept her smile in place even as she mentally pinned a note to tell Cross to _haul the hell back_ on his heckling of the Lieutenant, lest he earn himself a semi-justified shanking when next the two met in person.

" _Woo, I-I'm actually feeling quite good right now,"_ Tashigi breathed euphorically. " _Alright, what else were we gonna talk about?"_

" _Uh… general status update, ma'am?"_ Fullbody asked, a slight twitch in the corner of his mouth.

" _Ah, right, right!"_ Tashigi nodded confidently. " _Cottonmouth, do you want to get a pen and paper or…?"_

"Nah, 'sfine," Merry waved her off. "Robin's memory supersedes Vivi's, my mind's a steel trap."

" _Right, well, it's all basic stuff anyway. First off, Ox and Goat have both deployed men and supplies to Skelter Bite; Ox's have already landed thanks to their proximity and are greatly contributing to construction efforts as we speak, go giants, and we've made sure that Goat's men are aware of Marine patrol routes on the way, so weather permitting they should arrive within the next three weeks,"_ Tashigi summarized. " _According to Rabbit, Skelter Bite will be open for business in a little over a month. Nowhere near the peak it'll reach in a few years, but they'll certainly be able to accept patrons."_

"Sounds great!" Merry chirped happily. "Maybe we'll even be able to visit before we hit up Sabaody! What else?"

" _Next on the agenda… word from Navarone,"_ the lieutenant continued. " _Their first batch of recruits just shipped out for assignment. The majority will be bolstering bases up and down Paradise, no surprise there, but we did get lucky. Two dozen or so, all loyal to us, have been split between the West and South Blues. They'll work on getting us footholds in the Blues. It'll be awhile before we have anything as major as an actual base turned to us, but it's still a start."_

"This all sounds great!" Merry pumped her fist victoriously… before hesitantly lowering it as she caught sight of the dark look on Brain's face. "Or… not?"

" _No, no, that news is great, but the news that's coming up is notably less so,"_ Tashigi sighed grimly.

" _There have been rumors coming down from Marineford,"_ Fullbody pitched in. " _Bege's raid on Fort Lumose hamstrung our budget, to be certain, but apparently the higher ups are still finding funding from somewhere because they're amassing the money for an undertaking whose true form we can only guess at but whose bones are… already uncomfortable in nature."_

" _Have you ever heard of 'privateers', Merry?"_ Tashigi asked.

Merry's expression devolved into an offended scowl. "The _proper_ name for those salty bastards would be 'low-priced scum who dip their flags in _tar',_ thank you very much," she stated in a voice that would have given a yeti frostbite.

" _You pirates never cease to amaze with how much pride you take in being criminals,"_ Tashigi sighed, though her true feelings were clear in her light smile. But she was quick to sober up. " _Anyway. The reason I bring them up is that from what I hear, funds are being pooled to hire them. Now, mind you, the Marines have hired privateers in the past, to help bolster security in particularly rough waters, but this…"_ She shook her head uncertainly. " _I've never heard of the numbers that are being tossed around, and certainly never from Headquarters. We'll get back to you when we have something more concrete, but for now—"_

"Enemy movement on the horizon, most likely something Cross isn't aware of, got it," Merry confirmed. "I'll pass it along ASAP."

" _Well, that's everything really important on our end, what about you?"_ Fullbody asked. " _Anything on the Straw Hats' mobile stormfront that we should be aware of?"_

Merry opened her mouth to reply—

_SMASH!_

—and only just managed to dodge biting her tongue off when the ship was suddenly rocked by a massive impact, followed swiftly by the sounds of a small-scale war erupting out on deck. The only reason she didn't go on full alert and instead skipped straight to exasperation was that amidst the sounds of battle she could hear the usual insults between the two usual suspects being bandied about, punctuated by the snide commentary of their new arrival.

"Well, I _was_ going to say that it's been business as usual lately, but it looks like Perona just decided to incite a riot or something. Other than that, no, nothing critical."

Brain's mouth opened with a look of panic, but it just as swiftly clamped shut as though someone had slapped a hand over his mouth, and his expression swapped to Tashigi's deadpan. " _Low-hanging fruit, Merry, and I'm not rising to it. Just make sure she's either out of the way when you dump her or decent if she stays, got it?"_

"Aye-aye, _mon ami!"_ Merry saluted in a chipper tone. "Cottonmouth, over and out!"

" _Pisces, same._ KA-LICK!" And with that, Brain gave her a final condescending glare before retreating into his shell with a defiant snore.

The ship-girl fondly rolled her eyes at the snail's grating personality before spinning on her heel and grinning eagerly as she rammed her fist into her palm.

And really, who could blame her for being enthusiastic?

It was time for her to bear witness to whatever new insanity her crew had fallen into! An endeavor she charged into with open glee.

**-o-**

Robin watched the ongoing brawl between the crew's usual suspects with scarcely hidden glee and amusement, her amusement especially intensified due to the addition of an unusual but not unwelcome element in the fight.

It was almost admirable, honestly: every other day, barring exceptional circumstances, Zoro and Sanji fell into brawls like clockwork, and every other day they somehow _always_ managed to keep their clashes as fresh as the first time she saw it. Truly, there was an _art_ to it.

Why, even their banter still managed to remain current and engaging for all those observing!

"What the hell were you thinking, you two-bit fry cook!? Tossing out my weights!? I'm gonna peel the flesh cleaner off your bones than you could ever hope!" Zoro roared.

"Go ahead and try, your slices are gonna be as rough and shoddy as they ever are!" Sanji scoffed with forced casualness. "And you should be _thanking_ me! Not only is it an honor for a seaweed-wrapped gorilla like yourself to give up your room for a cute and charming princess, but you needed to up your game anyways! You call these things weights? More like—!" Sanji hopped back, hefted a gong-sized ring of metal on his foot and flung it at the first mate. " _Paperweights!"_

Zoro ducked the impromptu discus with an infuriated snort. "If even one of these goes overboard, I'll replace it with your _corpse,_ you bastard!"

"Hey!"

 _That_ exclamation originated from the aforementioned 'unusual element', prompting Robin to switch over to where Mikey and Leo were dueling, Mikey having only just managed to dodge the ballistic weight.

"Watch it, I'm on your _side!"_ Mikey protested, finishing a good octave higher as he caught one of Leo's sabres in the chains of his nunchucks.

"Why _are_ you helping him anyways?" Leo questioned, entirely casual as he pressed down with enough strength to make his fellow disciple strain. "Pick up an interest in cooking or something?"

"Not by choice!" Mikey sobbed as he shoved the blade back and retaliated with a wide sweep of his clubs. "Bastard said that if he didn't find a sous chef, he'd cut down on how many mouths he had to feed and pick up some spare ingredients at the same time!"

Zoro paused in his slashes to grace first Mikey, and then Sanji with a flat look. "You really scraped the bottom of the barrel for a protégé," he dryly stated.

"Not a lot of options to work with, and in his defense, I wasn't _completely_ joking," Sanji grumbled.

"I can't tell either way, so like hell am I taking any chances! So do me a favor and lay down and die _before I get turned into lunch!"_ Mikey howled as he renewed his onslaught.

Robin's gaze slid away again, this time to the _last_ bit of entertainment: Raphey blocking an onslaught of punches from Boss, a look of intense concentration on her face much akin to Nami writing a map or Chopper with a medical mystery or Luffy trying to think at all.

"You sure I can't take a break to watch this?" she grunted, the question costing her a half inch of ground.

"You're the one who wanted to practice counters," Boss replied, his own concentration failing to waver. "If you want, we can do the Nori Arts training you also requested instead."

"On second thought, I love practicing counters!" Raphey hastily backpedalled. "In fact, I—yow!"

That last exclamation was due to one of Boss' punches finally slipping through and clocking the female dugong right on the snout. She flopped backward, clutching the injured body part as she let out a string of expletives, while Boss frowned in thought.

"Hmm, this isn't working as well as I thought," he mused to himself. "Take ten, Raphey. I'll try and think of a better training method."

"Yay…" the female martial artist bemoaned as she let herself go limp.

Robin chuckled at the exchange, reveling in the fact that she didn't have to hide her amusement anymore. Honestly, the only thing better than being free to laugh free—

"What's the context for this tête-à-tête, my dear devious… damn, can't think of a good D-word."

Robin's smile widened eagerly. Indeed, the only thing better than laughing free was laughing with friends. Case in point, she turned her smile on the white-haired friend that had strolled up next to her. "Damsel, perhaps?"

Merry snorted derisively, her smirk not shifting an inch. "Not on your damned life." She then shifted her attention back to her clashing crewmates. "And you haven't actually answered my question."

Robin chuckled as she returned her attention to the main attraction, observing with keen interest as Sanji actually managed to backflip off of the flat of Zoro's new blade. "On the surface, it's quite simple really: Sanji and his shanghaied sous chef emptied the crow's nest of all of Zoro's training equipment, and our first mate… _took offense,_ if you will. Most likely because he and his living training dummy—"

"I RESENT THAT!" Leo roared as he shot by, in hot pursuit of a fleeing Mikey.

"—were ejected in the same movement."

Merry blinked in surprise before tilting her head in a confused motion. "That's… _new._ Usually they butt heads when they cross paths, they don't actually antagonize the other. Why would Sanji go out of his way to provoke him?"

 _That_ got a frown out of the archaeologist, the circumstances of the situation serving to sober her up. "Because he himself was provoked."

Merry looked up at her in shock. "By who?"

Robin opened her mouth to answer—

"Well, I _would_ say me, but I resent the wording. 'Provoke' is such an _uncute_ way of putting it."

—and instead closed it just as fast as her answer floated by.

Merry huffed and frowned up at Perona. "Shoulda guessed… well, how would _you_ put it, then?"

Perona smiled beatifically as she ever so casually flipped onto her back. "Why, I just asked that gallant knight in shining armor if he'd be so nice as to clear the ugly troll's junk out of his cave so that I could have a room all to myself!" She folded her fingers under her chin as she tilted her head to the side. "Is that so wrong?"

"I'M GONNA MAKE YOU INTO A _REAL_ GHOST, YOU LITTLE—!" That was as much as Zoro managed to get out before Sanji shut him up with a boot sole that had to be blocked.

"I'LL BE DONE WITH THIS MOSS-RIDDEN MENACE SOON ENOUGH, MY PULCHRITUDINOUS POLTERGEIST PRINCESS!" Sanji whooped as he erupted into a full blown amorous inferno.

Robin cocked her eyebrow at the moniker, glancing up at the phantasm. "Your idea as well, I take it?"

Perona didn't seem to hear her, content to hum a chipper tune to herself as she walked away on the air, spinning her parasol on her shoulder.

Merry whistled herself, a low, appreciative tone. "And I thought _we_ had issues…"

Robin's frown deepened as she watched the Ghost Princess wander off. "Yes, but most of us have a handle on our neuroses, whereas she's making herself into an active threat." She and Merry both turned her eyes towards Cross, who currently occupied with looking his cannon over while Usopp talked with his sword, gesturing animatedly at the pachy-blade's sheath.

"Well, threat or not, whatever Cross foresaw was enough to give her a chance. I mean, once he got over the shock, he didn't even hesitate," Merry reflected. "But… how do we get to the point where she's our ally, let alone our friend?"

Robin pushed off the mast she'd been leaning on and cracked her neck in anticipation. "Simple enough: we fix her."

Merry snorted in amusement as she started to wander back towards the helm. " _You_ want to make someone on this ship sane? Good luck to ya."

"Do recall, Merry," Robin chuckled confidently. "I'm a Straw Hat. We don't rely on just any luck…" And with that, she started to walk towards Cross. "We make our own."

Cross didn't look up as the archaeologist approached him, more engrossed with shifting Lassoo around on his shoulder and trying out different grips and positions for the dog-cannon. "Something tells me you're not here to spar," he mused as he shifted the weapon's weight around.

Robin hummed in confirmation as she came to a halt behind him, facing opposite him with his right scapula knocking against hers so she could keep an eye on the soon-to-be topic of their conversation. "I believe our guest is in need of some attention," she started without preamble.

Cross smirked as there was a spike in the clash of rubber on steel. "Sanji's got _that_ covered in spades."

Robin smirked right back at the quip. " _Female_ attention."

 _That_ got Cross to pause and glance dubiously over his shoulder. "…are you _sure_ she swings that—?"

Robin didn't even bother to grace him with her unimpressed deadpan. "She needs a friend, Cross."

"Ah, heh, right, right…" Cross coughed, a blush dusting his cheeks. "And… yes, I can see how that'd be an issue… Vivi sure doesn't like her because of how she's been throwing that 'Princess' moniker around, and Conis considers her a bit too creepy to handle… what about yourself?"

Robin clicked her tongue in amusement. "I'm afraid that she finds _me_ a bit creepy."

Cross snorted. "Of course… moving on, Raphey's not interested in someone who can't throw a punch to save their life, and Perona's opinion on 'cuteness' runs counter to Merry, which leaves…" The Voice of Anarchy trailed off into a grimace. "Yikes."

"You see my dilemma," the Devil Child sighed. "Any thoughts on how to create an opening?"

"Hmm…" Cross glanced upward, tap-tap-tapping a thoughtful beat against his cannon's barrel before snapping his fingers. "One: she had time to sneak aboard at her leisure, so that means she probably brought _some_ of her possessions on board, with which she'll be filling her new room. If you can find a giant bear somewhere onboard? _That's_ your opening." He poked his thumb towards the snail that was on top of his sword's head, nodding along with whatever it was Usopp and Funkfreed were talking about. "Want any help with it?"

"Thank you but no," Robin allowed herself a smirk as she crossed her arms. "I believe I'll be able to handle myself. _Ojos Fleur._ "

Robin filtered rapid-fire through her rapidly blooming viewpoints, analyzing them at a glance before moving on.

' _No, no, good blackmail material but no, no, still looking forward to Luffy finding that, need remember to warn Sanji that the dill has gone bad, no, no—ooh, black lace.'_

"Feeling confident today, your majesty?"

" _OUT!"_

Robin chuckled as she withdrew the eye before the Cutter could make an eyepatch necessary. ' _She's getting faster, good for her. Now, where was I… ah yes. No, no, n-wait… ah, there you are.'_

The flower-woman harrumphed with grudging respect as she returned to herself. "Credit where it's due, for all that she's a brat she does indeed have a brain. It's hidden in a compartment in the crow's nest."

"Smart, hidden in the place she's already taking over," Cross nodded in agreement. "Now all you need to do is get the witch to pity the princess."

Yet another liberty her friends had granted her: Robin could smile with honest eagerness whenever she chose, a fact she indulged in as she flipped her newly acquired knife out and ghosted her fingers _just_ over the blade. "I _love_ a good challenge," she purred eagerly.

**-o-**

Ensconced within the Thousand Sunny's aft-cabin library, Nami was hunched over a table, slowly and intently drawing her fountain pen over the sketch lines of a new map. This one was of Jaya—and briefly, she lamented how _behind_ she'd gotten with her maps—and it was really quite astonishing how obvious it was that half the island had just been… chopped off. Yeah, yeah, eliminate the impossible and all that, but it was the Grand fucking Line, for Aeolus' sake!

Shaking her head, Nami dispelled the thought rather than descend into another rant over the stupidity of the common person, which was pleasantly easy these days, and refocused on her inking.

"KYAAAAAAA!"

"SONNUVA—!"

Nami snarled venomously as she recovered from her heart nearly jumping clean out of her chest on account of a sudden feminine scream shattering her concentration. Her rage originated from the fact that the shriek had caused her hand to spasm from shock and tear a long line of ink across the paper before she'd flung the pen against the—

She blinked. Actually, make that _through_ the wall, with almost a quarter of the pen lodged in the wood.

"Huh," she remarked, glancing down at her arms and flexing them. "All that work with Donny is actually paying off…"

She then scowled as she clamped her hand into a fist. "The better to give someone a piece of my mind and actually have it _stick_ for once!"

So saying, Nami stomped out of the library to find out what catastrophe had resulted in such a scream and, more importantly, _ruined her map_. And while 'life-size teddy bear stuck in the rigging' wasn't even on the list of possible reasons, Nami wasn't much surprised; it was positively mundane compared to the typical Grand Line insanity.

What _did_ surprise her, however, was the sight of a very frantic and, more importantly, very _corporeal_ Perona trying and failing to scramble her way up the lines after said bear. And by 'failing', Nami was honestly unsure how she'd managed to tie herself up that way without any help. Were she of a more liberal disposition, she'd say that Perona had somehow managed to truss herself up like a cured ham prepped for shipment.

"—prepped for shipment!"

That drew her gaze back down to the deck, where a small crowd of crewmembers was busy snickering up at Perona's attempts to get at the bear, with more than a few bills swapping hands. "And you guys aren't helping… why?"

"Hey, she said she could handle it," Franky said, a touch defensively. "And none of us want to find out what getting hit with those Negative Hollows Cross mentioned feels like."

"Spoiler alert: it sucks!" Donny concurred with a frantic nod.

"AGREED!" Chopper and—Brook's head? Apparently? Eesh, this crew—piped up fearfully.

"That still—ERGH!—stands!" Perona snarled viciously as she yanked at the lines pinning her leg behind her back. "I'll—GRAH!—dance on each of your graves before I let you— _SONNUVA!_ —TOUCH MY BEAR— _WAGH!"_

The Ghost Princess's tirade devolved into a terrified shriek when the lines suddenly unwound and unceremoniously dumped the hollow-girl clean overboard.

"WHOA, WATCH IT!"

Or rather, _nearly_ dumped her overboard, thanks to Nami being close enough to dash over and grab her wrist before she could hit the drink.

The navigator wheezed with exertion as she braced her foot against the bulwark in an effort to keep her balance. "You _really_ take that 'let them eat cake' stuff to heart, I take it?!" she grit out.

"You freaking—!" Perona snarled venomously, a Hollow bubbling into existence in her palm. "Let me go, you uncute—!"

_SPLASH!_

Her protests, Hollow, _and_ composure all died at once as a spray of sea foam blasted her. "PULL ME UP! PULL ME UP!"

"As you wish, your highness," Nami ground out with all the snark she could muster. With one final yank, the navigator hauled her load up, grabbed her other arm, and then yanked her up and over the side and onto the deck, where Perona immediately began kissing the lawn.

"I never thought I'd be so happy to be back on your crummy—!"

"AHEM!" Merry 'subtly' intoned from where she was standing on the foredeck's railing.

"Er, I mean _delightfully cute_ ship again?" Perona hastily corrected.

"Better~!" Merry sang as she returned to her duties.

"Yeah, well…" Nami huffed as she got her breath back in her, not used to exerting that much of her strength. "If you pull anything that stupid again, you'll be taking the express route _off_ our 'cute ship'. Seriously, what the hell were you thinking!?"

Perona got to her feet. It looked like she then tried to jump back to the lines again, but she didn't have the strength for it, her body almost entirely devoid of energy due to her struggles. The end result was that she staggered on her feet as she looked back up at where her bear was caught in the line, her expression more anguished than angered. "I-I couldn't—! I had to—! I-I need to get Bearsy, I _need—!"_

Nami rolled her eyes in exasperation, pointedly ignoring the Princess' melodrama. "Ergh, if you want that ratty thing so bad then I can just get it for you. Hang tight."

"Wha— _NO!"_ Perona spat viciously. "Don't you dare touch my—!"

"Oh, do you _ever_ shut the hell up?" Nami groaned more to herself than anything, ignoring the Hollow-girl in favor of clambering her way up the Sunny's rigging. The navigator might not have had the muscle of the rest of the crew, nor anywhere near as much experience working ship lines, but she was still familiar with the workings; you had to be to properly direct a ship. As such, it was child's play to reach the threadbare bear—Nami took a second to slap herself upside the head for the mental pun—unwind it from its bonds, and drop back down to the deck. "There, done. You happy n—?"

"BEARSY!" _THWACK!_

"GAH!" Nami grunted in shock when she was suddenly _bodychecked_ into the ground. She raised her head with a snarl the second she had her bearings back. "What the hell is your—!?" Said snarl died in her throat when she actually _saw_ Perona.

The guest on the ship was on her knees, trembling miserably, hunched over the ragged bundle of cloth that was almost twice as big as she was, a millimeter away from breaking out into full-blown sobs as she ran her fingers along the tears in his cloth. "No… no, Bearsy… n-not again… p-please, not again… B…Bearsy…"

Nami's jaw worked up and down at the display, trying and failing to come up with a proper reaction to what she was seeing. Finally, her heartstrings twisted in just such a way that she knew she didn't have any _other_ option. She slowly got to her feet, inched her way over to the Princess, and tapped her on the shoulder. "Hey…"

Perona jerked Bearsy away and _snarled_ at the Straw Hat. "Don't you fucking dare—!"

"I can sew… _him_ up for you."

And just like that, Perona froze in place, blinking tearfully at the pirate. "Y-You… wait, wha—?"

"I was the first woman on this crew of psychotics," Nami continued in a placating tone. "If I didn't know my way around a needle and thread, we'd have been buck naked in days. I can stitch Bearsy up for you and get him good as new. And… he's hollow, right?"

Perona sniffled, nodding jerkily.

"Then I can probably turn him inside out somewhat, store all his mass inside himself. That way, you can carry him around with you without any problems and you won't have to worry about losing him." Nami smiled kindly as she rested her hand on the ex-pirate's shoulder. "Does that sound good? Is that alright with you?"

A weak hiccup was followed by an almost inaudible mumble from the ghost girl.

"Alright, then," Nami said, taking Perona's hand and slowly helping her to her feet. "Come on, we'll go to the women's room. It's where I keep my supplies and we'll have some privacy there."

As they started to make their way across the deck, Nami subtly glanced over her shoulder to glare at her crew, and instead blinked in surprise to find that they'd all long since dispersed, with only Robin looking even remotely in their direction. Upon noticing Nami's gaze, the archaeologist simply smiled and winked before walking away.

Briefly, Nami considered puzzling out whatever was going through crewmate's head, but she just as swiftly dismissed the notion with a shudder. She wanted to _keep_ what little sanity she had left, thank you very much!

Perona was silent as they entered the ship and settled in the women's room, sitting on the bed and practically strangling Bearsy as Nami retrieved her sewing kit. She considered putting him on her desk, but once she realized how white-knuckled Perona's grip on the bear was, she instead conceded to laying him out on her bed instead, with the Hollow-girl reluctantly swapping her grip on the deflated doll for a pillow that she hugged to her chest.

After a few minutes of examining the damage, Nami retrieved a soft brown thread that matched the animal's coat and began threading the needle through the first tear. As she continued sewing, she turned the bear's appearance and condition over before coughing politely. "So… Bearsy, you said his name was?"

Perona made a slight sound in the affirmative.

Nami nodded. She looked the bear over again before glancing at the Ghost Princess. "So… he's… a bit of a creepy little guy, huh?"

Good news, bad news: Good news, that actually got a new reaction out of Perona. Bad news? Said reaction was a vicious twitch and an even more vicious scowl. "Bearsy isn't creepy, he's cute," she bit out.

"Sorry!" Nami hastily placated. Really, what else could she say to that? The girl looked ready to bite her head off. "I didn't mean anything by it, there's nothing wrong with it. Some people _like_ creepy—!"

"He's not creepy he's _CUTE!"_ Perona suddenly roared out of the blue, her face a rictus of rage.

"Okay okay, he's cute, he's cute!" Nami nodded rapidly, keeping a wary eye on the astral matter that was starting to bubble from Perona's body. "You're right, I'm wrong. He's _very_ cute."

Perona stayed frozen in place, chest heaving as she slowly came down from her outburst, re-burying her face in her pillow. "He's cute," she repeated weakly, though at this point Nami wasn't entirely certain who Perona was speaking to. "Bearsy is cute, he has to be cute. He has to be… He… creepy… creepy _has_ to be cute… because… if he isn't…" She lapsed into silence, shuddering and clutching the pillow like a life preserver.

Nami kept a wary eye on Perona, but she kept working in diligent silence for the next few minutes, carefully removing what traces of flesh remained in Bearsy and stitching up the more obvious rips in his fabric and pelt.

After she finished resecuring the bear's arm, Nami cast a tentative glance towards Perona. "I… I really _am_ sorry, you know," she tried softly. "What I said was insensitive, and I should have known better. I…" Nami faltered slightly, but after a moment's debate she made her decision. "I know… how important something like Bearsy can be."

A derisive snort sounded out, and Nami was suddenly doubly thankful for what Kalifa had put her through, because if Perona had snorted like that in front of the old Nami, she'd have had her head ripped off.

As it was she calmed herself down with a slow, methodical breath before nodding her head at a nearby dresser. "The top drawer, there's a false back."

Perona eyed her doubtfully but nevertheless complied; she got up, worked the drawer open and jimmied open the back. And what she found within made her tilt her head in confusion. "Uh… what… is…" She held up the tiny shirt she'd found and looked over the design on its chest. "Is this supposed to be a sunflower or—?"

"It's a lion," Nami replied softly, her fingers continuing their work even as her voice was quivered with emotion. "We… my family… we didn't have a lot… of anything except love and tangerines, really. That shirt, it used to be my sister's before she outgrew it. My mother redesigned it for me, and…" Nami shook her head with a sardonic chuckle. "Brat that I was, we got in a fight over it. I was an idiot, I said such _stupid_ things and then…"

Nami was forced to come to a stop as her shivers became too much, her fingers bunching up the bear's pelt. "And then… Arlong and his crew came and took over my village. And I had… barely enough time to apologize to my mother before…" Nami lapsed into silence as she shook her head; some pain was too deep-seated for anything to wash away.

"…Go figure," Perona finally responded, gently returning the shirt to its place. "And here I was thinking you were an idiot for wanting to get rich all the time."

Nami turned to look at Perona, whose face had darkened some as she looked to the side. She didn't elaborate, and after a few moments, Nami returned to her repairs, the silence far more comfortable. Finally, as she moved to the last tear, the ghost princess sighed.

"I was born the youngest daughter of a wealthy family," she said without preamble. "Four older sisters, and five older brothers. Nice and uniform, just the way my parents liked it. I had anything I wanted…" Perona's face twisted up in a scowl. "Except anyone who actually _cared_ about me, all because of what I liked."

Nami glanced at her in polite askance.

Perona narrowed her eyes scornfully as she twisted up the sheets in her fists. "While my sisters all dressed up in their ugly dresses and played with their ugly dolls… I liked cute things. I liked cute dresses, cute dolls… but everyone else hated them. They said _they_ were ugly, that _they_ were creepy…" The pinkette raised her hands and gazed longingly at the Hollows that swirled up around her, cackling and giggling obliviously as they lavished brainless praise on their Princess. "And then I ate my fruit, met my friends… and things became _so much worse."_

Perona curled in on herself as her friends hovered around her, laughing as they raised their arms in a facsimile of a hug, though they kept well away from actually touching her. "They moved my room to the lowest basement… took Bearsy away and…" She trailed off listlessly for a moment, her gaze far off. "Said that I would only get to come out if I got rid of the creepy toys… that it was a shame because I was so cute…" She dug her fingers into her legs. "But… but they just didn't _get it._ They didn't understand that my friends… my toys, my clothes, everything… they _were_ cute. I chose them because they _were_ cute, I chose them because… because…"

"Because they reminded you of yourself."

Perona glanced at Nami in surprise, but after a second of silence she nodded in tearful confirmation.

Nami shook her head sadly. "Creepy is cute. What others call creepy has to be cute. Bearsy has to be cute, because if he isn't…"

"Then I'm creepy too…" Perona completed weakly, nodding in confirmation. "And nobody loves a creepy haunted _freak."_ the girl then unwound slightly and knocked the back of her head against the wall. "Nobody except the giant twisted bastard who came to town one day, wrecked the mansion, and said he found my powers interesting. Who cares if it was only because I was useful to him? He was the one person in the world who actually cared for me… for _me._ That's…" Perona let out a cracked chuckle. "That's gotta count for… for _something,_ right?"

Nami seriously doubted that Cross knew any of what she had just learned. But regardless of what he _had_ seen, she now understood a lot more why he had given Perona a vote of confidence. Smiling softly, she finished the final stitch and held out the repaired and minimized bear to its owner. "There's at least one other person who cares about you, Perona," she said.

"BEARSY!" Perona cried, snatching the doll and hugging him to her chest with a joyful sob. "Oh, thank you thank you thank you _so much…"_

"No problem," Nami nodded with a polite smile before dropping her hand on Perona's shoulder. "And… I did say _at least_ , you know." Her smile grew fond as Perona looked up at her in shock. "I've gotta admit… now that he's not a giant murderbear, Bearsy really does look _very_ cute."

"I… ah…" Perona fumbled around slightly with her words before glancing away with a cough. "Your… mother did good work with that shirt, too. Your… your mom must have loved you a lot."

Nami glanced away. "…More than life itself," she confirmed, a tear slipping down her face. Shaking her head lightly, she turned back towards the ship's guest, a change in subject mercifully jumping out at her as she took in the look of her skin. "Hey, your tanning technique is, ah… kind of impractical, you'll end up looking all lopsided. If you want, I could… teach you, maybe, or…?"

Perona perked up eagerly. "R-Really? That'd be great, thanks! I'll go wait for you near the- ah, by _your_ tangerines!"

"Alright, be right there!" Nami waved with a smile, before slumping and sighing to herself as the door closed. Still, she'd wait a couple of minutes to compose herself before she got changed and headed out. After that… well, it looked like her maps would have to wait for yet _another_ day, though damned if she could find it in herself to be resentful of the fa—

Nami sat bolt upright as she realized what had been bothering her the whole time she was working on the bear: the library was _soundproof._ The door had been closed and the windows shut, so the only way that the sound of Perona's scream could have gotten in was… Cross's… pipe system…

And just like that, everything clicked as she remembered what Robin's new weapon was and how _smooth_ the slits in Bearsy had been. Then there was the fact that Perona couldn't have possibly gotten that tangled or tired in the lines in the time it took her to get there…

She sighed again, shaking her head in exasperation but incapable of hiding her fond smile. "Those devious _bastards…"_ Nami lamented to herself. "It takes a special kind of sneaky to not only manipulate a person, but make that person _not care_ that they're being manipulated…"

Nami then looked up intently. "Soundbite, do me a favor and tell Robin and Cross that I'm _still_ going to kick their asses for this later."

" _ **Done and done!"**_

"Thank you~!" Nami singsang as she started to get changed.

**-o-**

"Well, we knew that that was bound to happen," Cross said cheerfully, not pausing in his swinging of Funkfreed in his sword form as Soundbite laughed his non-existent ass off. "Good thing that for once, it wasn't _my_ idea, _and_ that Nami hardly has a prayer of getting one over on you."

Robin smiled sweetly back at him. "For your sake, Cross, I hope that you are not trying to jinx me," she simpered.

"Maybe," Cross responded. "Or maybe I have the thought in mind that most of the people on this ship have seen _me_ humiliated and comically injured more times than I can count, whereas _you_ have been all but untouched since Water 7, and _maybe_ they'd be interested in a change of pace."

Robin's smile remained fixed even as a sheen of sweat formed on her brow. Wordlessly, she turned away and entered the ship, closing the door behind her. Cross snickered shamelessly, wondering to himself if that was a bluff before resuming his training. Though in his defense, it _was_ a bit hard to concentrate due to the show going on at the other end of the deck.

**-o-**

Raphey panted as she strained her hearing for the telltale sound of rubber stretching, wishing as she did so that it was only something as trivial as Usopp's rubber bands. But _noooo_ , Boss _had_ to kill two Bananagators with one punch by having Luffy combine his pipework with her reaction training. It wasn't a bad idea… you know, other than the fact that it meant she was being hit by a metal pipe with ends as hard as diamonds that was being swung by _literally_ the strongest person on the crew.

The only thing that kept her from complaining, loudly and insistently, was the fact that, like all of Boss's training methods, it was actually working, as evidenced by the fact that she managed to block an attack from the side with a sound of clanging metal thanks to one of her sai, following which she locked the pipe in place with her second sai.

This turned out to a supremely _bad_ idea when Luffy demonstrated his status as, to reiterate, _strongest person aboard_ when he swung his pipe, dugong and all, and launched Raphey tail-over-skullplate into the ship's railing.

"Owww…" the female dugong whimpered, her flippers twitching minutely.

"Shake it off, Raphey!" Boss barked before turning his attention to the matter he himself was currently occupied with. "And as for you, Conis! Put your hips into it! No, not just your hips, put your whole body into it, whole body!"

And there was the other reason why Raphey wasn't complaining: because rather than handling him herself, Boss was occupied with willfully taking a few lumps of his own. He was playing defense against Conis, simultaneously blocking her weapon strikes and offering up a continuous stream of criticism. And _that_ was working, too. Even just the glimpses Raphey had managed in between getting her ass handed to her by the, third time's the charm, _strongest person on the crew_ showed the angel exhibiting a far tighter and more effective usage of her firearms in melee combat than she'd ever exhibited before.

And Boss wasn't just standing still during this fight either, so as to offer some training to another crewmate at the same time.

"Right snap!"

Conis swung her bazooka around and used it as a barrier to catch the snap punch Boss lashed out at her.

Boss whistled appreciatively. "Niiiice! You're getting good at this, Su!"

"And just in time for the feeling to come back to my legs! I _really_ appreciate it!" Conis concurred with a sunny smile.

Su snorted, smirking at her friend from her shoulder perch. "I can't tell if you're being sincere or if you're _finally_ learning how to sarcasm. Either's likely with you."

"What can I say, I'm just _really_ happy you're getting better with your cold reading!" Conis folded her arms behind her back and started to swing back and forth on her heels. "After all, you've _always_ had a bit of an issue with poor judgement…"

Su froze and her fur started to fluff up. "Conis, sweetie… don't. You—!"

Conis' smile didn't waver an inch. "Remember the chicken?"

" **Moremoremoremore** _ **TELL ME MOOOORE!"**_ Soundbite cackled out of the blue.

"NOOO!" Su wailed miserably.

"YES!" Conis pumped her fists and jumped for joy, her half-ton bazooka bouncing in her grip. "Finally I managed to get one over on you! Hahaha!"

"THAT'S NOT FAIR! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT CHICKEN WAS ON, BUT IT WAS ON _SOMETHING!"_ Su yowled as she ground her pawpads into her temple. "YOU CAN'T JUST—Boss is open."

"Wha—?" Said senior dugong blinked in confusion as he was broken out of concentrating on Raphey and Luffy's exchange.

"Sorry, Boss!"

_THWACK!_

"GAH!" Boss yelped as Conis sent him _flying_ as she thwacked him with her bazooka like he was Tiger Woods' golf ball on a 500-yard tee-off.

Any other day, that small victory would have been the end of it.

 _This_ particular day, Luffy was going a bit overboard in his training, winding his arms up and letting loose on his poor training partner (read: _punching bag)_ with a killer wind-up.

"GUM-GUM HOME—!"

 _ **THWACK!**_ "YEEEAAARGH!"

"—run? Eh?" Luffy blinked in surprise as his body stopped rotating. "What was that?"

"A _load_ of pain and trouble for me and my bros once he gets back…" Raphey whimpered tearfully as she traced a black dot's course through the air.

"Whoops," Luffy had the good grace to wince and scratch the back of his head with his pipe as he joined her in watching. "Nami was right, I really _should_ start paying attention to what I'm doing in a fight. My bad!"

"Oh, dear…" Conis covered her mouth in shock. "I didn't mean for _that_ to happen! Do you think he'll be okay?"

"Eh?" Raphey blinked as the question drew her out of her terror before waving her flipper with a scoff. "Oh, yeah, sure, he'll be fine. We dugongs are tough and he's stupid strong. So long as he hits the water—"

It was at that moment that _something_ rammed into Boss in midair.

Conis slowly blinked in shock. "…oh, my."

Su, meanwhile, was grinning like a white devil. "This… is an unfortunate situation," she summarized, sounding like she was on the verge of breaking out into mad cackling.

Raphey swallowed heavily in agreement before raising her voice to address the rest of the crew. "Uh, hey, guys? Juuuust for the record, the next time we see a beetle?" She gestured weakly out at the insect that had hit Boss midflight. " _That_ is the current largest that we have ever seen. Just for the record."

Cross gave the display a flat look as he walked up to the group, a sweat-soaked towel slung over his shoulders. "Why do I have a feeling that this is going to get way worse before it gets any better?"

" _SO COOOOL!"_ Luffy finally burst out, stars beaming from his eyes. "I'm gonna go and catch it! Franky! Get a cage ready!" And just like that, before anyone could say or do anything, he shot his fist out and was gone.

Cross rolled his eyes and kept walking with a fond chuckle. "Called it."

**Xomniac AN: And that's all for now, folks!**

**Cross-Brain AN: Those of you who speculated that we were including Strong World? You were right. However, that brings us to an issue that we need to resolve.**

**Last time we wrote in a movie, as you recall, we published it as one monster chapter, and unlike last time, we haven't been planning out said chapter for months with only a week or two's worth of finishing touches to put on to make it publishable, so whatever happens, it's going to be a while before we publish it.**

**So, we have two options: either publish it in two to three chapters, depending on length and plot progression; or publish it all at once. The latter option will take more time, but there won't be any cliffhangers part of the way through; likewise, the former option will seem to come faster, but we'll probably cut off at the best parts of the action. You know we will. But the choice is a difficult one, so what shall we do?**

**Why… leave it to you, of course. A poll is now open on Xomniac's profile. We will only accept votes cast there, and the poll will remain open until we publish the next chapter, which will cover the Little East Blue filler arc. At that time, the decision of the majority will stand. Until then…**

**? AN: So. This would have been out last night, but I insisted on looking through it and making a few last-minute suggestions. Apologies for the twelve-hour delay, however unannounced before this note. I look forward, dear readers, to meeting you all** _ **very**_ **soon.**

**Hornet AN: Oh, and for anyone who's been watching the news, Xomniac is currently safe from Hurricane Irma, have no fear.**


	6. Chapter 6

### Chapter 61: Chapter 54: Those Nefarious Straw Hats! I'll Protect The Island From You!

### Chapter Text

**Xomniac AN: A little something for the Rare Sentences: "[TPO], think you could edit in Largo strumming or tuning his guitar menacingly?…dear god that's actually a thing in this instance."**

"Uhhh…" Sanji blinked slowly, taking in the scene before him as he walked across the deck, fresh from his most recent brawl with Zoro. "Yeeeaaah, I got nothing. Someone want to fill me in on what just happened?"

"Oh, we're training!"

Sanji turned his head towards Donny and _felt_ his eye twitch at what he saw.

"Is that Brook's skull?"

"Yep!" Donny nodded in confirmation. "Like I said, training. Got a bit… eh, _weird,_ but, hey." He shrugged dismissively. "Devil Fruits, right?"

The Straw Hats' cook _slowly_ pinched the bridge of his nose as he felt a migraine coming on. "Please tell me that this training didn't end up killing our musician."

"Actually, if we want to be pedantic, I was killed by the first poisoned arrow that struck me. Went clean through my knee! I eventually walked it off, though! I have no idea _why_ so many people make such a big deal out of that kind of injury."

Sanji pointedly ignored the plaintive " _Soundbite…"_ and taunting " **STILL NOT ME!"** that wafted over from the quarterdeck in favor of cracking his eyes open and taking in the fact that Brook's skull was _literally_ smiling up at him. "Dare I even ask where the rest of you is?"

"My skeleton came apart when I lost my head, so Chopper is reassembling my bones as we speak, and wiring them together for good measure," Brook glibly informed him. "Until then, Donny has been so kind as to grant me mobility! It's actually quite nice!"

"…It's a _wonder_ that I actually find the sight of one of my crewmates carrying a _talking skull_ around to be _normal,"_ Sanji deadpanned.

"Oh, I dunno!" Donny piped up, an eager grin slipping across his face. "I think there are some advantages to the situation! Observe!" The dugong proffered the afro'd cranium with dramatic flare. "Alas, poor Yorick!" he declared in a grandiose tone as he gesticulated with his free flipper.

" _ **I knew him, Horatio! A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy!"**_ Soundbite piped up happily.

"Oh, please stop, you're making me blush! Even though I have no cheeks or blood to blush with! YOHOHOHO! SKULL JOKE!" Brook cackled in Donny's palm.

A very prominent sweatdrop bloomed on the back of Sanji's skull as he watched the scene. "This is just morbid."

"You say morbid, I say hilarious!" Donny sniggered as he casually bounced Brook from flipper to flipper. "And Mikey says I don't have a sense of humor! HA!"

"Horohorohorohoro," Perona giggled behind her hand as her spirit floated by, causing Donny and Brook to fearfully glance up. "I have to admit it, that _is_ funny."

"I beg to differ," Vivi huffed as she came up from below deck, clad in a sundress and taking it all in with a flat expression. "At least it was better than the stunt Cross pulled…" Her expression fell even flatter. "Though I'd just like to make it known that I find it _deeply_ disturbing that both times that part has been re-enacted by this crew, it's been with separate, genuine human skulls."

"Noted, my most dearly beloved of princesses!" Sanji sang rapturously before snapping back to serious and jabbing his thumb over his shoulder. "But, ah… seriously, I was more asking about the giant bug that our captain is riding?"

"Captain and captain of the ship's guard, to be specific," Cross offered with a cheery smile as he came over, having changed into a fresh hoodie. "And if _that_ weirds you out, I suggest you not delve further. It's just as weird with context as without, so you're not missing much."

"Delightful," the princess deadpanned. "So, anything to tell us, or—?"

"Hey, don't look at me," Cross raised his hands in casual surrender. "Until we hit the Red Line again, you all are outta luck for spoilers from me."

"Oooh, so the smartass isn't quite so smart anymore?" Perona chuckled tauntingly as she floated in Cross's face. "I'm both disappointed _and_ delighted!"

" _ **Ya ever hear that saying**_ **ABOUT KEEPING YOUR TRAP SHUT** _ **IF YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY?"**_ Soundbite sneered at the ghost, before blinking as everyone stared flatly at _him._ "HEY, WHAT GIVES!?"

"We're just all surprised that _you_ know that phrase, you undercooked hors d'ouevre," Sanji said.

" _OF COURSE I KNOW THAT PHRASE!"_ Soundbite sniffed indignantly. " **I just** _ **CHOOSE NOT TO**_ **FOLLOW IT."**

"Hypocrisy at its finest," Zoro scoffed from across the deck. "So, now what?"

Nobody noticed the impish smirk that flashed across Perona's face, but they _did_ see the angelic expression she adopted. "Well I _do_ hope something is done about that big mean bug soon enough!" she lamented in a pretentious tone of voice. "After all, when you Straw Hats are involved, who _knows_ just what could happen!"

Cross cocked his eyebrow at her as he slowly took a step back. "You _do_ realize that that phrase is like painting a big fat bull's-eye on your face, right?"

To that, Perona just smirked harder. "Mm, I don't think so. I wasn't very specific, after all."

Before Cross could respond to that, the insectoid buzzing that had formed a constant white noise for the past five minutes suddenly picked up in intensity, suddenly joined by grunts of dugong exertion and Luffy's joyous whoops. All eyes turned seaward to find the massive beetle making a beeline for the deck—and more importantly, to fly right over Cross' head.

"And _you_ do realize that I'm intangible right now, _right?"_ Perona shoved her smirk in Cross's face.

The strategist paled in terror. "You _little—!"_

"HEY, GUYS! NEED SOME HELP UP HERE!" Luffy yelled down at his crew.

And before anyone could react, a rubbery hand shot clean through Perona's chest and latched onto Cross's collar.

Cross stared blankly at the fist for a moment as the arm it was attached to started to go taut before heaving a tired sigh. "Luffy, you might have gotten smarter, but you are still a _dumb_ son of a—YARGH!"/" _ **WAHOOHOOHOOIE!"**_ Cross and Soundbite wailed in unison as they were yanked clear off the deck and up onto the writhing insect's back.

The crew all watched, silent, as the titanic beetle zipped back into the air with a particularly rapid-fire aileron roll.

"Ooooh, he is _not_ going to like that…" Brook breathed… well, breathlessly.

"Different story for me~!" Perona sang, and before anyone else could say anything, she soared back through the air to the quarterdeck, where she landed in her bikini-clad body and promptly set about hugging her Bearsy, the cloth only barely muffling a squeal of mirth.

"What's got you all cheery?"

Perona glanced over to where Nami was looking up from her own seat with an expression that was equal parts curious and concerned. Normally, Perona would have just scoffed and dismissed the woman with a flippant comment or an offhanded Negative Hollow, but…

"Oh, I just got Cross to get snagged onto the big buggy up there by your captain." Perona jabbed her thumb upwards with a confident smirk.

Nami glanced up—

"Snrk!"

And promptly had to cover her mouth to suppress a snort of laughter. "Oh, _man,_ that's a good one! But, uh…" She then trailed off into a nervous grimace. "I hope you do remember that Cross is a _vindictive_ bastard and that he's going to see that you pay dearly for that."

"HA! What do I have to worry about… from…" Perona trailed off, her expression falling flat. Then her face grew slightly ashen, and she chuckled nervously as she slowly pointed towards the main deck. "Uh… I, ah… Imma just… gonna go and stash my body, if that's alright with you."

"You go do that if you think it'll do you any good," Nami chuckled. "Just hope that Cross's landing is a good one, otherwise he's going to be _really—!"_

Out of nowhere, the giant beetle suddenly bucked like it'd been kicked in the face before turning over into a nosedive face-first into the cliffside of a nearby island, really just a spire of rock poking out of the horizon at this distance.

Nami sat up and blinked in surprise. "Huh, wouldja look at that, they found land. Lucky us." She then directed a sympathetic wince at Perona. " _Unlucky_ you."

The Ghost Princess let out a sound not unlike a whimper.

**-o-**

"Urgh…" Boss groaned as he sat up on his tail, head pounding like the entire Royal Army was using it for marching maneuvers. "Where's the flying Sandora Dragon that body slammed me?"

He glanced to his right, where a familiar giant beetle was sprawled on its back, eyes spinning. Beside the beetle was Cross, lying face-down in the dirt and Soundbite's shell spinning wildly on its back with the snail's eyes sticking out and spinning dizzily. Oh, and Luffy trying to yank his head out of where it'd gotten lodged in the cliff face, naturally.

"Oh, right," he drawled, shaking his head as it all came back to him.

"S'ndb'te…" Cross muttered into the dirt before weakly pushing himself onto his back and spitting out a few strands of grass. "I just want you to know… I both applaud and _disdain_ your idea to blast that thing in the face with a Gastro-Blast."

" **I AIN'T THAT** _proud of myself, either,_ DON'T WORRY…" Soundbite gurgled as his spinning slowed to a halt.

"Good, good… and just out of curiosity, have you ever wondered what rubber tastes like?"

" **Well,** _**now that you mention it…"**_

"You'll have to get your pound of flesh some other time," Boss cut in as he slowly slid into a fighting position. "Because right now, we're still a bit busy! If a hit that weak took down that big lug, then I'll eat my own flippers!"

"Eh?" Cross tilted his head over to look at boss. "The heck are you—?"

Out of the blue, the giant beetle regained its senses and flipped back to his (and it was definitely a he, if its tone of voice was anything to go by) heavily armored legs with a flanging roar. At the same time, Luffy ripped his head out of the cliff and brought most of it down with him as he loosed a bestial roar all his own.

"NOW I'M FIRED UP!" the rubber-man bellowed. He then donned a viciously eager grin as he raised his fists into a ready position and squared off against his insectoid rival. "Man, you're a _really_ tough beetle! Really cool too!" Luffy's grin slowly doubled in size as he lowered his stance. "And… you _really_ want to keep fighting, don't you?"

The titan-bug hesitated slightly, and then his mandibles curled into a grin and he bucked his head in an insectoid approximate of a nod. He let loose a warbling, eager-sounding cry as he pawed at the ground, his wings literally buzzing with eager, pent-up energy.

Luffy blinked in surprise before glancing at his third mate's partner in confusion. "What'd he say?"

" _DAMMIT, CAPTAIN, I'M A_ **MOLLUSK,** _NOT AN_ **arthropod!"**

"And since when has something as trivial as _species_ ever stopped you before?" Cross snorted, having yet to shift from his prone position.

Soundbite, meanwhile, abruptly stopped his spinning and flipped onto his more stable and sticky side, casting a bemused look at his armored cousin. "BEFORE, YOU'D HAVE A POINT. _NOT IN THIS CASE._ _ **I can't make heads or tails**_ **of what he said… OR ANYTHING HE'S SAYING FOR THAT MATTER.** _I'd say it's all Greek to me,_ **but I know that too!"**

Cross blinked in surprise before leaning up into a sitting position. "You… can't translate him? Not even with his Voice?" he said in surprise.

" **Oh, well, of course** _ **THAT**_ **works…** _but that's like looking at the binary for a piece of digital art! IMPRESSIONS, EMOTIONS,_ THE GENERAL GIST."

"Well, what're those, then?" Luffy asked, almost oblivious to the increasingly annoyed beetle.

" _ **Uhh…"**_ Soundbite's eyestalks crossed inquisitively. " **Ignoring the mounting temper at being ignored…** _you're a good fight, BOTH YOU AND BOSS ARE A LOTTA FUN TO BRAWL WITH,_ _ **he's looking forwards to grinding you two into the dirt—"**_

"You're dead," Boss stated as he slammed his flippers' 'knuckles' together, drawing a warning growl and glare from the insect.

"You're gonna fit right in!" Luffy cackled eagerly, gearing up to launch forwards—

" _ **WHOA, RED FLAG ON THAT PLAY!"**_ Soundbite's eyestalks suddenly snapped to attention in alarm as pure fury flashed through his cousin's being. "LUFFY, THIS ISLAND IS THE BUG'S PROUD HOME AND DUTY IN ONE, _IT CAN AND INTENDS TO DEFEND THIS PLACE_ **until it's dead and gone!** _ **No way in hell you're getting him off this island!"**_

Luffy and Boss both blinked in surprise at that comment, followed by Luffy sagging despondently as the beetle snorted and nodded in clear agreement. "Aww, really? There's seriously no way?"

" **PUT IT THIS WAY:** MERRY WOULD HAVE AN EASIER TIME _getting you to let her swallow your hat,"_ Soundbite vowed solemnly.

Luffy's eyes darkened for an instant, his hand shooting up to his treasure. Then he sighed in disappointment. "Alright…" Then his bad mood evaporated as he turned back to the beetle with a sunny grin. "Hey, we're not here to hurt anyone or steal anything. If you don't wanna fight anymore—"

_That_ got a particularly irritated-sounding roar and some earthshaking stomping.

" **Did you forget the parts about 'FUN TO BRAWL WITH' and** ' _grind you into the dirt'?"_ Soundbite deadpanned.

"I'm with him there!" Boss cut in, a few degrees down from snorting out a blast of steam. "Sorry, Captain, but you're just gonna have to get in line, because I've got a reputation to defend! I haven't lost a CQC brawl yet, and this oversized _fly_ ain't gonna break it!"

"WHAT ABOUT _**literally every fight**_ **with the other Mon—?"**

"THOSE ARE DRAWS!" Boss snapped without missing a beat. "I ain't gone all-out and beaten those guys to a bloody pulp yet because the costs outweigh the benefits in terms of training and the Sunny couldn't take it. But beetle-boy here?" He grinned fiercely as he rolled his shoulders. "He doesn't have that _advantage_ to him, so I'm not gonna hold back on him!"

"Hey, no fair, you're stealing my fight!" Luffy whined… and then he blinked as something hit him. "Wait… you've fought Sanji and Zoro!? But _we_ haven't fought yet! RAGH!" The rubber-man started stomping and swinging his arms furiously. "C'MON! YOU'RE ONE OF THE STRONGEST AND COOLEST FIGHTERS ON THE CREW! I WANNA FIGHT YOU! _AND_ I WANNA FIGHT THE BEETLE! RAAAGH, WHO DO I FIGHT FIRST!?"

Said beetle snorted and shook its horn in an unimpressed manner.

" **Big boy's got a** _ **good point,**_ YOU'RE AN IDIOT," Soundbite deadpanned. " _ **WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU**_ _just go battle royale AND BE DONE WITH IT!?"_

Beetle, man, and dugong all froze, and a significant look passed between them.

"Y'know, Soundbite…" Boss said, in a voice akin to having seen a unicorn. "That's actually a really good idea."

" _WHY DO YOU SOUND SO SURPRISED?!"_

Cross, meanwhile, snorted and cackled in honest—if still tired—amusement. "Oh, I _love_ when that happens to someone who's not me!"

"Anyway…" Boss slowly cracked his 'knuckles' as he grinned at his soon-to-be opponents. "No more delays. Let's find out… who here's the _real_ strongest Monster in these seas!" The dugong then _slammed_ his tail into the ground, cracking open a decently sized crater around him. "LET'S GO! THREE!"

The beetle threw its horn back and roared, the primal sound requiring _no_ translation.

"ONE!" Luffy cackled, snapping his arm back in such a way that it was clearly angled towards the beetle. "GUM-GUM—!"

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

"—GWAH!?"

Out of _nowhere,_ a three-foot and change tyke in a pastel pink and yellow shirt and shorts along with a Marine cap and coat that were a few sizes too big for her, leapt onto Luffy's back and started going to town on his head with a thick-ended branch. The makeshift club didn't do any damage, obviously, but it _did_ tilt his hat down over his eyes, and in the confusion Luffy's fist went out of his control—

_THWACK!_ "GWAGH!"

And slammed clean into his own cheek, sending both himself and his impromptu passenger tumbling in the dirt, though that didn't hinder said passenger from continuing to wail on him in the least.

Cross's eye twitched slightly as he took it all in. "Oh, what fresh hell is this."

Boss cocked his eyebrow at his crew's third mate in surprise, the sudden show having knocked him clean out of his battle lust. "Since when are you this snippy?"

Cross let out a garbled grumble as he scratched at his hat with both heads. "Since our idiot captain batted you onto the giant bug over there, followed by said idiot captain then stretching himself up to said bug, and finally our resident Ghost Princess—who I still need to swear vengeance against, by the way— tricked said idiot captain into dragging me up to said bug, which culminated in our high-fiving a cliff with our _bodies_. Final count?" The tactician's eyes rolled up in his head and he flopped onto his back in a spread-eagled position. "Blame the idiot captain, leave me to my pain…"

"…It is a _wonder_ that that whole series of events actually makes sense to me," Boss breathed. He then grimaced and kneaded his brow. "It also gives me a raging headache and pisses me off for some reason, why the _hell_ am I pissed off?…ah!" The dugong pounded his flipper in his palm in realization. "Sonnuva seahorse! I lost my cigar!"

Soundbite boggled at the dugong. "HOW ADDICTED TO _**nicotine ARE you?"**_

"Tchyeah, like you don't eat lettuce almost religiously you little mrgrfrkr…" Boss trailed off into grumbling as he patted down his shell, followed by his perking up joyously as he withdrew one of his cigars. "Got one!" A few more seconds patting, however, got him sagging in dismay. "Don't got my flints and my weapon's back on the Sunny… damn it, anyone got a light?"

"Ah, here you go." There was a flick of metal, and a lighter was held before the Dugong.

"Thanks!" Boss hastily lit his cigar and took a greedy drag, which he snorted out with a contented hum. "Ahhhh yeah, _that_ takes the edge off… thanks for that!" He then took a slower drag, and let the smoke hiss out slowly as he glanced up at the portly, gray-mustachioed old man wearing a boater hat and carrying a pipe who'd offered him the light. "And if you're expecting me to jump in surprise from you showing up like that, you're sorely mistaken."

"Hahaha, no worries, I wouldn't dream of it!" the old man chuckled good-naturedly as he waved the dugong down. "And it wasn't like I intentionally snuck up on you! I just wanted to say hello, and also to confirm something! You four, you're all members of the Straw Hat Pirates, correct?"

"Considering you had enough respect for Soundbite to count him as a crewmate?" Cross said. "I feel like you're nice enough to warrant an honest yes."

"Then in that case, allow me to introduce myself!" the old man laughed as he held his arms out invitingly. "My name is Fabre; I'm the mayor of these parts! Allow me to be the first to welcome you as the honored guests of Kansorn Island!"

"Well, I guess that means we don't have to introduce ourselves," Cross remarked. "But you'll understand if I take your warm welcome with a grain of salt."

" **Just say** _ **HE'S SUSPICIOUS,**_ _DON'T MENTION THE_ SALT!" Soundbite snapped.

The mayor laughed again, waving a hand. "I understand your concern, but I promise you have nothing to fear from us. I was going to save this for when you reached our humble town, but once we confirmed that it was your ship on the horizon that Boss had buzzed, I decided to come here alone to ease your suspicions. You see, the reason you'll find you're quite welcome here is that most all of this island's inhabitants hail from the East Blue, where your crew originated. And even beyond that, quite a few of us actually hail from islands your original crewmates came from! Throw in your SBS sessions chronicling our exploits and, well…" Fabre beamed proudly. "Suffice to say that much of the island's been set up as a shrine to the Straw Hat Pirates, and everyone on the island is a big fan of your crew!"

"OWOWOWOW! GET OFF OF—!"

"NO, _YOU_ GET OFF _MY_ HOME!" _CHOMP!_

"—AAAARGH! LET GO LET GO LET GO!"

Everyone flinched and turned to watch in half bemusement, half sympathetic pain as Monkey D. Luffy, one of the strongest and most renowned pirates of his generation, ran around screaming his head off in pain as a little girl bit and scratched at his head.

"IIIII'm going to go out on a limb and say that you're going to tack on a 'most' to that last statement of yours?"

Fabre's weary sigh was all the answer the Straw Hats needed.

The beetle's reaction, meanwhile, seemed equal parts exasperated and fond, and it was with heretofore unseen delicacy that the titan stepped towards the squabbling pair. Then, with the same amount of delicacy, the beetle stretched its leg out, hooked the barbed tip in the back of the girl's shirt and pulled her off of Luffy, leaving her struggling in the air.

"Ah-hah-hah-haoooow…" Luffy whined, massaging his bite marks. "Why does stuff that shouldn't hurt me always hurt so much mooore…"

"Because the muse of comedy has Haki," Cross informed his captain.

"Oh, okay then…"

"Yoko!" Fabre spoke up, addressing the girl in a chastising tone. "I know you're not happy with this, but _please!_ Surely you must understand that just attacking a person like that—!"

"I wouldn't ever attack someone like that, but I _will_ attack a _pirate_ like him each and _every_ time!" the newly named Yoko spat venomously, swapping her glaring between Luffy and the mayor. "You and everyone else on the island might have gone crazy, but I haven't! No matter what you or anyone says, pirates are pirates! I won't let them hurt my home, no matter what!"

"We're not gonna hurt your home," Luffy said, much akin to saying that the sky was blue.

"I SAW YOU ATTACKING BOSS!" the girl roared, swinging in the bug's grip.

Luffy and his ship's guard both blinked and glanced at one another in confusion before the dugong slowly raised a flipper.

"Uh… I _wanted_ him to attack me, and I was going to return the—" Boss Dugong started hesitantly, unfortunately missing how the local mayor was desperately chopping his hand across his neck in a plea for silence, which unfortunately came to naught when the rebellious girl interrupted him.

" _Not you,"_ Yoko snapped, her anger freezing over as she glared bloody murder at the amphibian pirate.

"Boss… was the name we gave to our large friend here when he came to us," Fabre clarified, drawing a friendly wave from the insect.

"But ever since your stupid show started, everyone's started calling him Boss _Kabuto!"_ Yoko hissed, as though the words were heresy. "It was his name and you stole it! Boss is Boss, and only he can ever be the _real_ Boss! You're just a dumb, smelly, pirate _fake!"_

Boss-the-Dugong blinked in surprise at the sheer vitriol in her words, and then he closed his eyes solemnly, his cigar bobbing up and down. "'Zat so…"

"Hey, you're wrong!"

Three of the present Straw Hats and the local mayor all winced at the sound of one of the few things that could escalate matters worse than Cross opening his mouth: Luffy opening his.

"My Boss is way stronger than your Boss, so that makes him the _real_ Boss!" Luffy stated, accompanied by a foot stomp. "The other dugongs told me how he got his name! Only the strongest person around gets to be called… Boss… wait a second…"

Several confused glances were shared when Luffy suddenly trailed off, his head bowed and his face screwed up in intense thought. Cross, the lone exception to the above, leaned up into a sitting position and gave his captain a half-lidded stare. "Oh, this is _bound_ to be good."

"The strongest fighter is called Boss," Luffy muttered under his breath, grinding his finger into his temple. "And I was gonna fight two other guys named Boss… and I was going to beat them too…"

"OI!" Boss Dugong barked indignantly, with the Kabuto edition giving an annoyed grunt of his own.

Several more seconds passed, and then… "AH!" Luffy's head snapped up in realization, and he pounded his fist in his palm. "When I beat the two of them, I'll be the Boss!"

"That's what he got out of this?" Fabre asked, his tone equal parts amazed and amused.

"A Boss Dugong, a Boss Kabuto and a Boss Monkey; did I stumble into a myth of some sort when I wasn't looking?" Cross questioned with familiar amusement.

"That's ' _IF'_ you beat me, Captain!" Said Boss Dugong shook his fist defiantly at the rubber-man. "You can come at me with all barrels blasting, but I'm not gonna go down without giving you one hell of a fight!"

"And you're not fighting the _real_ Boss at all!" Yoko cut in. If looks could kill, Luffy would have keeled over with a dozen stab wounds in his skull. "He's going to kick your ass so that you leave our island and never come back, but he _won't_ fight you for fun! You might be a brainless thug, but not Boss!"

The beetle let out an offended sound, to which the Straw Hats looked at a frowning Soundbite. "UH… _difference of opinion here, he's both as eager as a hound with a scent…_ _ **and nostalgic as all hell?"**_ Soundbite gave his odd sort-of shrug. " _DON'T ASK ME."_

"You're wrong, lying, stupid, or some combination of all three!" Yoko snorted. "Boss isn't like that! Right, Boss?" She smiled proudly at the titan bug, only for her face to fall when he failed to meet her gaze. "B-Boss?"

The Kaiser-sized kabuto gave out a lilting, apologetic rumble, gazing at the girl with regretful eyes.

"B-But why?!" Yoko demanded, anger and a little bit of betrayal coloring her voice. "You've always been by my side, protecting this island from pirates like _them—"_ That last barbed word was accompanied by the girl jabbing her finger at Sunny, which had sailed closer over time. "—and now you want to—!"

Whatever rant Yoko had been working up to died in her throat when Boss Kabuto suddenly perked up and snapped his gaze to the ship. He then dropped the girl from his leg, lifted off, and buzzed a bee—er, _beetle_ line straight towards the Sunny. And the reason it died became clear when she turned a smug grin on Luffy, Boss Dugong, and Cross.

"Hah, looks like you guys were wrong!" she crowed with _way_ too much eager pride. "Now Boss is gonna go sink your ship, and you're all gonna leave crying, just like all the others!" She glanced back out to sea, where the titan-beetle was circling above the Sunny. "Any second now." A long pause, Yoko's foot tapping on the stone. "Aaaaaany second now…"

"Eh, do you think he's lost or something?" Luffy asked, head tilted in confusion.

Yoko snapped an affronted look at the rubber-man, ready to yell.

"Nah, there he goes," Boss Dugong interjected.

The girl then snapped her head around with a massive grin as the beetle dive-bombed the ship. "HA! See, I told—!"

Said beetle then merely buzzed the deck of the Sunny before pulling up and soaring straight back towards the island.

Yoko blinked in confusion. "What?"

Within moments, the beetle had returned and had plopped itself right back where it had been previously. And the blue and white trunked fish flopping incongruously from his mouth was both new and utterly impossible to miss. Once it was certain everyone had gotten a look at his prey, Boss Kabuto tossed the fish up into the air before swallowing it all in a single gulp. He then followed this move up by giving them all a cocky grin and pointedly licking his mandibles.

It didn't take long for everyone present to put the pieces together.

"Was that an Elephant Blue-Fin Tuna?" Fabre wondered.

"Did that come from our ship!?" Luffy demanded.

"Did that thing just eat our lunch in front of us to spite us!?" Boss fumed.

"Were those assholes _fishing_ while we fought for dear life!?" Cross raged, his gaze focused more on their own ship.

Yoko didn't say anything. At least, not anything with words. Following the wordless scream of frustration she let loose, the girl stomped off. Boss Kabuto tried to trot after her, but the scathing glare she snapped at him halted the ten-ton insect in his tracks. When she tromped into a cave in the cliffside, he didn't follow.

In fact, he stayed in that position for a solid few minutes before glancing guiltily at the other fighters and warbling regretfully.

"No need to translate that, it's clear he's not that keen on fighting anymore," Boss said, waving his flipper dismissively.

" **Actually, that's only half** _THE EXPLANATION,"_ Soundbite informed him, staring at the titan Kabuto in awe. " _That… That big guy,_ _ **BOSS KABUTO… his Voice, his being,**_ HE'S… HE'S _changing…"_

"Oh, it's that time already?" Fabre perked up and shot an inquisitive look at Boss K, who grunted and nodded in confirmation. "Huh, the tuna must have pushed you over the edge. Well, if it's a fight you boys want, then you came at the right time! See, Boss Kabuto here? Every month or so, he molts his skin and becomes bigger and stronger than he was before! He's easily twice as big now as he was when he first came to our island! You're going to be _literally_ fighting him at the peak of his strength!"

"So… a delay for a spike in quality?" Boss's grin widened with bloodthirsty eagerness. " _Perfect!"_

"Wow, you're actually going to _evolve!?"_ Luffy squeed, stars sparkling in his eyes. "SO COOL!"

" _ **So impossible, more like!"**_ Soundbite sputtered incredulously. " **LUFFY, THIS BUG'S GROWING BEFORE** _MY NON-EXISTENT EARS!_ **Even by Grand Line standards, nothing breaks the rules of biology so blatantly, not like this!** _Cross, back me up here!"_

The Voice of Anarchy in question blinked as he was taken out of his thoughts, having been focused on other matters from the moment Yoko had yelled. "Eh? Ah… I guess? Sorry, Soundbite, I've got more important things to worry about at the moment."

" _ **LIKE WHAT!?"**_

Cross directed a glare at his partner before regarding the local mayor with a compassionate expression. "Which parent, how bad, and how long ago?" he asked sadly.

_That_ got the snail choking on his tongue.

Fabre, for his part, blinked in surprise before sighing heavily, his pipe bobbing up and down as he worried at it. "You really _are_ smart…" he muttered. "Her father, bad, and a few years but to her it might as well have been yesterday. A damn shame, really; he was a good man, both as a father and as a Marine. And she'd already lost her mother before that, so Boss—er, Boss Kabuto is the only family she's got left." The statement drew a regretful warble from the bug.

Cross hung his head and scratched at his nose's bandage, sighing. "Yeah, I figured that last bit… and my words haven't reached her at all?"

The old mayor winced and glanced away sheepishly. "Yyyyes and no. At first, when she heard you say you were a pirate, she took off running. Ours is a small village on a much bigger island, so it's been easy for her to make herself scarce whenever you start to broadcast, and she just won't listen to us when we tell her you're different. The yes… doesn't actually help. See, we insisted she at least listen to _one_ broadcast, she conceded…"

The pirate cocked his eyebrow at the mayor. "And…?"

The mayor coughed into his fist. "You started talking about corruption in the Marines and she took off like a bat out of hell."

Cross slapped his hand to his face with a groan. "I'd say that God hates me, but that's already public knowledge."

"Mm," Fabre nodded. "Either way, I'm quite sorry to tell you this, but it's likely she'll do her level best to make your stay here with us… _difficult_ , to say the least. I apologize for her in advance."

"Fan-frickin'-tastic," Cross groaned as he grabbed the brim of his cap and yanked it down over his eyes. "Why can't this shit ever be easy?"

The mayor cocked an eyebrow at the pirate. "If… you don't mind my asking, how did you…?"

"The coat and her own condition. If she had anyone left or if the owner were still alive, she'd have let the coat get tattered and worn out like any old family keepsake. But it's unique and irreplaceable, so she maintains it religiously and keeps it immaculate. She, meanwhile, is picking up bruises and scabs that no one looks at, and her other clothes and her hair are getting worn out and dirty because they don't matter as much as the mission. The mission, her father's mission, comes first ever and always while she lets herself slowly fall to pieces. Which—" Cross pushed himself to his feet with a huff, casually dusting off the seat of his pants. "Is where _we_ come in."

Fabre blinked at his island's guest. "Oh? How so?"

Cross smiled impishly as he slammed his fist into his palm. "Simple," he chuckled. "We're the people who help her put the pieces back together." He then blinked and looked down at his hands. "Oh, now there's a thought…" After a moment he shook his head, eyes refocusing. "Eh, we'll see how it goes. For now…" He looked back at Luffy. "So, orders, Captain?"

Luffy grinned as he looked at his third mate's shoulder. "Soundbite, call the Sunny. We're staying here until I get my rematch! It's, ah, what's the word… SHORE LEAVE!" He threw his arms up victoriously. "Tell the crew we've got shore leave!"

"Ah, Straw Hat? Make sure they dock on this side; our village is on the other side of the island, but there are reefs that prevent all but the smallest ships from reaching us from… the…" The mayor trailed off at the _looks_ that the Straw Hats were giving him, but he swiftly recovered once he realized what it was all about. "Ah, my apologies! I'm an old man, I forget things! If the famous Weather Witch asks, tell her I meant no disrespect, alright?"

" **Done and done, old man,"** Soundbite confirmed. " _Done and done."_

**-o-**

"It was bad enough that the entire village became fans of a bunch of _pirates,"_ a certain young girl muttered murderously as she stomped through the island's labyrinthine caverns. "But Boss… he was the only one I could rely on to help protect the island, and now he's gone over, too… and now… _and now…_ "

Yoko vented her frustration in a singular howl of primal fury as she kicked a nearby wall. She held her ground for a few seconds before she began hopping around in pain, clutching her shoe. "Owowowow _OW_ , dang it!" she cried. After a minute or so, she regained her composure, and made her way to the highest point of the village. Looking down, she shook her head in disgust as the mayor and Boss led the pirates into Little East Blue.

"Those pirates… they may have fooled everyone else, they may have even fooled _Boss_ , but they can't fool me. And I'll prove it to all of them!" she declared triumphantly. "I'll keep track of those criminals and everything they do, and when I tell the mayor what I've seen, he'll have to see sense!"

With that plan in mind, she made her way back to the main level of the village, binoculars in hand as she began looking around for the first pirate to stalk—oh, sorry, _observe._ "No matter what happens, I _will_ take down these pira—" She froze briefly before shaking her head and starting again. "I _will_ do my duty and protect this village, even if I have to do it alone."

Soon, the young girl burst out of the trees surrounding the village, though still raised up on the bluffs surrounding the town. From there, she had a good view of the Thousand Sunny as it nosed its way through the reefs that helped defended the town.

"Mark my words, Straw Hat Pirates," she muttered as she crouched down and put her binoculars up to her eyes. "I'll see you run out of the Little East Blue before the day is out! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! _MWAHA—GAH!"_ Yoko cut herself off with a harsh slap to her cheeks. "No, no, no, I'm supposed to be the _good guy_ here, _they're_ the bad guys!" She shook her head firmly, clearing it of all impure thoughts before putting her binoculars up to her eyes. "Right. Lot of targets. Where to start?"

"WHOA, YOU GUYS HAVE A WINDMILL!? AWESOOOOME!"

Yoko blinked in surprise as a blur of red shot across the island's verdant fields, but she promptly swapped her dumbstruck expression for a determined grin.

"Asked and answered," she nodded to herself before jogging after the pirate captain as fast as her young stature allowed. To her chagrin, she wasn't able to keep pace with him, and fell behind quickly, but the fact that she knew exactly where he was heading meant she did little more than frown in annoyance.

She arrived at the village's symbol a minute or so after the rubber captain, who had secured himself to one of the windmill blades and was riding it around and around. Blinking several times, she tried and failed to parse how the pirate wasn't falling off when it looked like he was just sitting cross-legged on the top of the blade.

"How is he…" she began, before shaking her head. "Nonono, more important: _what_ is he—?"

"WOOOOW!" the pirate captain called down in a clearly awed tone of voice. "You can see the whole town from here! This is so cool!"

Yoko blinked at the statement before scowling grimly. She then dug a notepad and pencil from her fath— _her coat_ and started scribbling on it. "'Captain… surveying local geography… for more efficient pillaging…"

She shoved her pencil behind her ear as she shot a final glare up at the laughing menace. "He'll probably be up there for awhile, and that dumb blond with the stupid lying snail and that smelly blubberbutt that were with him looked like they were just a pair of muscleheads, so they probably won't be doing anything _too_ bad just yet…" She nodded decisively. "So I should make my way to the shore and follow the rest of them as they come into the village."

Nodding, Yoko was about to do just that when a roaring crashing sound, like a martial artist unleashed on a lumber store, sounded out from the trees. She flinched at the familiar sound, and any thought of going down to the shore was tossed out the window.

"Whatever that is," she said through _fire screams bangbangbang_ clenched teeth. "It needs to be stopped. Now."

Sprinting into the woods, she quickly picked up the trail, not that that was hard. She'd barely gotten past the tree line before being confronted with a line of stumps and sawdust that terminated in—

"Agh, stupid!" she berated herself, smacking herself a few times. "Muscleheads can be directed! Stupid stupid stupid!"

Boss Dugong, going to town on the hapless trees surrounding him. And not like a lumberjack, either. More like a saw mill, not that Yoko'd ever seen one. It was a simple pattern: Boss would chop a tree down with his bare flippers, the attack somehow tossing said tree in the air, and as it fell he attacked it even more fiercely, stripping off bark and branches and simultaneously turning the wood into perfect planks. And judging from a pile of split logs that Yoko had instinctively ducked behind, that wasn't the only type of wood he was producing.

There was only a single sane conclusion that could be drawn from the dugong's actions.

"FAIRY GODPARENTS!"

Yoko whipped her notepad out and started fiercely scribbling in it. "'Smelly Blubberbutt is… denuding island… of trees… for spare wood for their ship… and to keep us from rebuilding… after they take everything…'" Peeking up and grimacing out of disgust, she continued. "'Also super smelly… chemical warfare, maybe…'"

With that noted down, she left the area, her vendetta against that particular member of the crew keeping her more focused on defacing her sketch of the dugong rather than where she was going, up until a familiar voice broke her out of her haze.

"Look, I'm grateful for what you've done, but for the love of syrup, _why the cannons?!"_

Dreading what she would see, Yoko slowly turned and started jogging towards the façade of Luigia's house—not a mansion no matter how much the old woman insisted otherwi—!

Yoko skidded to a halt and stared up in awe.

Correction… it wasn't a façade anymore. It wasn't even a _house_ anymore.

No, Luigia's… dwelling was now a true, sprawling mansion in resplendent brick and glass. From her admittedly hazy memory of the few photographs Luigia had managed to get of the original, it looked mostly accurate.

'Mostly' being the operative term. The two stone turrets sprouting from corners of the mansion and bristling with cannons, Yoko knew she would have remembered from the pictures. She squinted at the structures, but from what she could tell, they looked authentic. _And_ it looked like they were complete, to boot!

Though, the manor itself was still in the process of being constructed, as currently said manor's apparent owner and its apparent builders were clustered around the side of the building, near a gazebo that was halfway completed. And one of the figures was responding to Luigia's protests.

"'I'm Franky, _super!_ shipwright extraordinaire! I can build anything!' Yeah, sure! You're the best! You also can't resist putting cannons in _every damn thing you build!_ " the long-nosed sniper, Usopp, shouted in exasperation.

"I'll keep telling you, these guys need better defenses in case the worse kind of pirates show up," said pompadour'd cyborg shipwright stated, not looking up from his work.

"If you want to build us a militia or a garrison or a fortress or whatever, fine, by all means!" Luigia griped, throwing her hands up as she stomped furiously on the pile of planks she'd gotten onto so that she could be at the pirate's height. "But save that for the cove, not the highest hill where my house is!"

"With these cannons!?" Franky boggled at the senior citizen as though she'd gone mad. "This is the best place for it!"

"But—!"

"Sorry, but that's our shipwright for you," the shipgirl helmsgirl, Merry, sighed with a fond tone and smile from where she sat next to the oldest woman on the island, her legs swinging lazily. "Stubborn to the point that not even having his coconuts crushed will change his mind. Buuut, if we really need to, I could go find Robin."

"GAH!" The shipwright crossed his legs with a panicked yelp. "Please don't!"

Luigia cocked her eyebrow at the reaction, and then she hung her head with a sigh. "Oh, never mind. If nothing else, it'll make a nice conversation starter…" Her demeanor then softened as she looked up at her newly acquired manor. "Seriously, though, I just can't thank you brats enough! I mean, to live in a manor, _the_ manor like this… this is literally my dream coming true here!"

Usopp perked up instantly, smiling proudly as he rubbed a finger beneath his nose. "Not a problem! I was a bit iffy at first, but in the end, it was the right thing to do! After all, we need to stick together, we lia— _ACK!"_

"Shut. _IT!"_ Luigia growled venomously as she clamped her hands over the sniper's mouth.

"And as for us, our reasons are easy too!" Merry raised her hand eagerly. "I just wanted to see my maker's and old mistress's home, and Franky wanted a challenge! His speed made it all a bit anticlimactic, sure, but you can't deny he gets results!"

"Mm, that he does…" Luigia nodded approvingly, before side-eyeing the structure Franky was working on. "Though it does beg the question as to why _this_ is taking so long? What, is it gonna get up and eat people or something?"

"But of course!" Usopp proclaimed, puffing his chest out with grandiose pride. "After all, it's only natural! Gazebos are vicious, bloodthirsty creatures! They're difficult to tame, but once you manage it, they're loyal for life! Neat, huh?"

Yoko stiffened at those words, and hastily scribbled in her notebook. "Planting… vicious attack gazebo… within defenses…"

Luigia, however, merely gave the sniper a decidedly unimpressed look. "Kid, what part of my wrinkly, liver-spotted ass looks like it was born yesterday?"

Usopp flinched before smiling sheepishly. "Ah… so you knew I was lying?"

"He was _lying!?"_ Yoko hissed to herself in shock, pondering the revelation for a second before hastily scribbling out her latest note with a blush on her cheeks.

"Heheh, yeah, that's Usopp for you: Great at telling tales and sniping… not so much at lying convincingly," Merry snickered. She then ignored Usopp's indignant spluttering in favor of shooting a curious look at Franky. "Though there is a good point raised: Why _didn't_ you complete this thing in a flash?"

"What are you, nuts?!" Franky reeled back from his companion as though she'd blasphemed during a Sunday service. "Merry, please! This is a _gazebo!_ You don't just _rush_ one of these things, it's not right! No, you take your _time_ , you work it with finesse and subtlety. There's a lot of art to making one of these, you know."

"…of course, what was I thinking." The second the cyborg got back to work, Merry spun her finger around her temple with her tongue stuck out the corner of her mouth.

Meanwhile, a ways away, Yoko's brows were practically attempting to merge as she tried to puzzle out why the pirates would be doing something as seemingly altruistic as building an old lady a mansion.

And then it hit her like a bolt from the blue, prompting Yoko to snap her fingers and adopt a disgusted look as she scribbled the realization into her notebook. "Wiling… their way… into Old Lady Luigia's will… to steal her fortune."

Nodding firmly, the young do-gooder moved on from the mansion. She didn't get very far before a scream of terror in a familiar voice assaulted her ears.

"Mendo!" Yoko hissed, sprinting for the dojo.

Yoko wasn't sure what she expected to find at the dojo, though a series of increasingly lurid slaughterhouse visions led her to assume the worst. Worse, a part of her mind—a part she was _really_ trying her best to ignore—was loudly proclaiming that such a scene would be good, since it was a surefire way to convince the mayor.

When she arrived, however, she was rather relieved to see that Mendo was alive. Though bemusement overpowered that relief, as both he and the Straw Hats' green-haired swordsman, Zoro if she remembered correctly, were currently all but mummified in bandages, and a pint-sized bipedal reindeer was pacing before them as he stared down the dojo's students, who were all sitting seiza and regarding him intently.

"Now, let's review," the reindeer—Chopper, that's what his name was!—stated, holding up his hoof. "For a minor closed wound, what's the right treatment?"

One of the boys slowly raised his hand. "Uh… ice on the skin for twenty minutes?" he said tentatively. Chopper frowned, and he hastened to amend. "Uh, I mean, with a cloth between the skin and the ice!"

"Good. And?" Chopper asked, pointing to another apprentice, who froze.

"A-Ah… bind it tight? B-But take it off if it looks like it's doing more harm than good?" he stammered.

"Exactly." The pirate nodded in confirmation. "What else?"

"If you can, prop the injury up so the blood doesn't flow?" another student ventured.

"And what's the most important part?" This time, Chopper turned to glare at his crewmate.

"Rest the injury, don't aggravate it," Zoro said through gritted teeth.

"But what's _also_ an important part of maintaining good health?" So said, the Zoan turned his attention on the other bandage-mummy.

"Uhh…" Mendo glanced away sheepishly as he used what little mobility his plaster-covered arms granted him to scratch at his cheek. "Don't do something stupid like challenging someone way above your weight class in a spar?"

"Or in _simpler_ terms?"

Mendo hung his head in defeat. "Don't be an idiot and get hurt in the first place?"

"Precisely," Chopper nodded, clapping his hooves. "Anyways, that's basic first aid for minor muscle strains, and if you have trouble remembering it, just think RICE: Rest, Immobilization, Cold, Elevation. And what do you do for major muscle strains?"

"Call a doctor," the students said together.

"Preferably one who's _sane,"_ the pirate swordsman muttered under his breath.

"Sane doctors don't do well with insane patients," Chopper shot back, his eye twitching slightly as his hoof inched towards his pack. "Wanna see how we deal with the _rowdier_ ones?"

"Shutting up!"

"Huh…" Yoko muttered as she took in one of the pirates apparently teaching the students first aid. Still, it wasn't too hard to divine the purpose to this whole charade: Mendo and the green-haired swordsman must have really gotten into a spar, which was a bit odd for the former, but oh well.

"Testing… our best… defenders…" she quickly scribbled down, though she also noted down the mnemonic that the reindeer had said. Good info was good info, no matter the source (the irony of her avoiding the SBS didn't occur to her). Once she was done, she moved on from the dojo, frowning as she considered where else the pirates could be.

"The library!" she exclaimed, several nearby villagers sending her odd looks. "They'd want be trying to get all the information they can on us!"

So saying, Yoko turned on her heel and jogged towards the building, scanning around for other pirates as she did so. She was almost to the building when something out of the corner of her eye caught her interest. She slowed to a stop, and for a moment, she considered pretending she hadn't seen what she knew she had. Ultimately, duty overruled sanity, so she gritted her teeth and turned to take in the impossible sight before her.

Despite that determination, she still blinked several times, trying desperately not to believe what she was seeing. But unfortunately, the group of library books that had sprouted human feet and were walking single file into the woods did not vanish in a puff of logic. As such, Yoko had no choice but to sigh, close her eyes and count to ten while silently reminding herself that she was in the Grand Line. She knew about Devil Fruits. She knew about strange things. _This was entirely possible._

None of that made her feel any better.

' _At least they're not heading towards that smellyhead,'_ Yoko mused to herself as she followed the waddling books into the woods.

Away from the fake-Boss's impromptu saw mill, as it turned out, was towards a relatively recent addition to the village: the Grove of Unusual Animals. The Marine-girl hastily hid behind one of the trees surrounding the area, and she tried not to frown again (it was starting to give her a headache) at the sight of three of the female pirates standing within the grove. She wasn't able to stop a grimace, though, as she took in the angelic wings on one of them, and the former royal state of the other. How could pirates corrupt even the most wonderful people?

Then again, the image before her provided a decent answer: all three of the pirates were looking over the animals and reacting like any animal lover would, cooing over the cubs, hatchlings, or whatever else they were. The angel and princess were both cuddling the cuter animals, and the giant duck alongside them was preening as he lorded his size over the other birds in the grove's pond.

The source of the walking books, on the other hand, was leaning against a nearby tree with a book in hand. Beside her was a steadily growing stack of books, and through the foliage Yoko spotted a hand sprouted out of the ground on the other side of the tree, out of sight of the other pirates and tickling a pig-pug… pug-pig? A dog-faced piglet. Whatever it was, it had a face that would send even a mother screaming the other direction.

"Ooooh, these little guys are so _cute!"_ the blue-haired ex-princess, Nefertari Vivi, squeed as she held up a turtle-duck and nuzzled its adorable beak. "It's like when Carue was a duckling all over again, all downy and adorable! No offense, Carue."

"None taken!" the duck, Carue apparently, replied. "Ah'm nawt adowable anymoah, but that's just because Ah'm badass now!"

"When you're not acting the coward and panicking, of course," the reading woman, Nico Robin, chuckled in a teasing tone, which drew an angered squawk and a bout of flapping from the duck.

Vivi snickered, most likely at her crewmates' antics, before giving the angel—Conis—a curious look. "What about Su, Conis? Was she this cute when she was younger?"

"Hm?" Conis glanced up from where she was dangling a foxtail over a fish-tailed cat-fish that was batting at the fern from within the pond. "Oh! Yes, she was, maybe even more! Just about the most _adorable_ little ball of cotton you'd ever seen!" The angel glanced around the glade before puffing her cheeks out. "Now if only Su were around to be properly embarrassed…"

"Oh?" Vivi glanced around, starting in surprise as she noticed what was missing. "Hey, where _is_ Su?"

"Oh, I saw her wandering off about… a half hour ago, I think?" Conis shrugged indifferently. "It's fine, she does this all the time. She'll be back when she feels like it. I just hope she's having fun!"

Yoko frowned at the information, and she toyed with the idea of jotting it down, but dismissed the notion with a shake of her head. After all, it was just one fox. What kind of trouble could the dumb animal get into?

**-o-**

Out on one of the rocky outcroppings that formed the island of Little East Blue's 'mandibles', a seagull was perched on the water-worn stone. Well, a lot of seagulls were perched on the water-worn stone, but this one was unusual. Mostly, it was the fact that it was wearing a trenchcoat, fedora and a pair of too-large sunglasses. Or maybe that it had its beak buried in a newspaper. Still, despite how much it stood out from the rest of the flock, it was still anonymous to the casual eye by dint of its apparel obscuring any distinguishable features.

Then again, it was a seagull. What were 'distinguishing features' for its kind might as well not exist in many other species' eyes.

Regardless, the seagull continued to casually read its newspaper, unflinching as waves broke against the outcropping and lightly misted it with saltwater, and unmoved as a small shadow trotted up from behind him and sat at his side, sending seagulls skyward in a cacophony of caws.

For several minutes, Su pointedly kept her gaze away from the seagull, her attention on the horizon. Suddenly, she asked, "How's the 'catch of the day'?" in a casual tone, as though the two animals had been discussing the weather since her arrival.

The seagull ruffled its feathers slightly, attention still fixed on its paper. "Still 'medium-rare' at this time, but…" The bird glanced at the fox from over the paper. "If the madam allows, the chef can have it as close to 'well done' as possible with time."

If the way the cloud fox snarled and snapped her head around to full on glare at the bird, that was the exact wrong thing to say. "Tell the chef to hurry," she warned him. "Or else my tastes will turn to a more…" She lunged forward and pinned the gull's tail feathers under her paw, so fast he couldn't even _flinch._ " _Avian_ variety."

The incognito News Coo swallowed heavily and hastily nodded his desperate understanding. "S-S-So noted, I'll inform the chef at once." The second Su let his feathers go, the Coo tossed the paper into the ocean and flapped off as though its tail feathers were on fire.

Su watched the bird fly off before turning away and trotting back to the island-proper, an annoyed sigh escaping her lips. "So hard to find good help these days…"

**-o-**

Putting thoughts of the fox out of her mind, Yoko pulled out her notebook again and scribbled down the obvious reason the pirates were here. "Scoping out… unusual animals… for poaching… and black market sale…" After a moment of consideration, she added another note. "Possible… morale boosting… effort…"

Her recon complete, Yoko spared a half-moment to give the animals a determined look, silently vowing that she'd see the adorable animals rescued from the pirate's heinous clutches, before she turned around and made a beeline for the village, intent on discovering what other nefarious schemes the pirates had in store.

**-o-**

"She's gone," Robin reported. "Honestly, you'd think if she were taking the time to form a vendetta against us she'd also take the time to learn our capabilities. Ah, and just to clarify, she was apparently unfazed by our innocuous behavior. Apparently, we are planning to poach and sell these adorable creatures to the highest bidder."

"Oh, what terrifying fiends we are," Vivi deadpanned.

"Well, we could hardly expect it to be _that_ easy," Conis sighed. "It's times like this that make me miss the lack of overt discrimination that we had on Skypiea."

"Washn't that onwy because of how hawd it was foah anyone down hewe to adapt to sky wahfayah?" Carue asked.

Conis blinked at the duck in confusion. "Uh… I'm sorry, what was that last word, Carue?"

The supersonic duck grumbled something under his breath and then glanced skyward. "Tone it down a nahtch, would ya? And I said 'warfare'."

"Ah, yes. That probably did help, from what I learned in training."

"Either way, we'll leave that mess to the ones who can actually clean it up," Vivi said. "In the meantime…" she stood up and brushed her dress off before walking over to her older crewmate. "Robin, I've been meaning to ask you something for a while."

The archaeologist glanced up from her book and hummed a curious hum. "Hmm?"

"How hard was it for you to learn to read the Poneglyphs?"

Robin blinked twice, her whole body twitching slightly. Slowly, very slowly, she closed her book, eyes staring vaguely in Vivi's direction but really off into the distance. "I… will need a second."

"Ah, i-if that's a bad question—!"

"No, no, nothing like that," Robin assured, pausing to take a deep breath and pull herself together. "It's just, ah…" She gave the princess a sheepish smile. "You are… _literally_ the first person to ask me that. I… I need to think about my answer."

Vivi nodded flashed Robin a sympathetic smile, stepping up to sit next to her. "Please, take your time."

Robin nodded absentmindedly. Her gaze remained unfocused for a bit longer as she mouthed a few calculations, and then she turned her full, somewhat unsettling attention to the princess.

"It took me roughly two years to learn, and that was with my already phenomenal IQ and… plenty of free time. The Void Language is not an easy tongue to learn. The alphabet is incomparable to any modern lexicon, and their grammar is… circuitous, to say the least, with as much emotional connotation involved in translation as clinical denotation. It's a feat, to say the absolute least."

Vivi nodded slowly, giving the Oharan a contemplative look out the corner of her eye. "Save that that was from first principles with limited reference information, in hiding, and nobody helping you, right?"

Robin nodded her head side to side, humming contemplatively. "Yes, I suppose you have a point there…" She then chuckled and glanced over at Vivi with a curious smile. "But why do you ask? Were you interested in learning the language for yourself?"

Robin's chuckling intensified at that, only to die a swift death when Vivi failed to make a sound. Eyes wide, she grabbed the princess' shoulder.

"This is the part where you tell me that that notion is entirely ridiculous, _which it is,"_ Robin said in a tone of voice that was more fearfully desperate than threatening.

Vivi's expression was pointedly neutral at first. Then it changed to solid determination as she fully faced the archaeologist.

"No, it isn't," she whispered solemnly. "You're exactly right. I want you to teach me the language of the Void Century…" Vivi's composure shook slightly, but she a steady inhalation restored it. "And I want you to teach me using the Alubarna Poneglyph."

The inscrutable Nico Robin paled in shock and horror. It wasn't a full-on sheet-white pale, but any shift in her expression was dramatic. The furrows her fingers dug in her book's leather hide spoke volumes, too.

"Vivi, that information—!" she started to protest in a weak voice.

"That information is my _heritage,"_ Vivi interrupted in a heated, almost desperate tone of voice, her expression taking on a pleading demeanor. "And I don't just mean my heritage as a person born in this world, I mean _me,_ _personally._ My _ancestors_ were in the dead center of whatever the hell happened 800 years ago, and they had that stone in our family's _crypt._ And what was written on it…"

Vivi paused, biting her lip, and shook her head. "My ancestors… they knew. They _knew_ , they _had_ to know what they'd taken custody of, what they dedicated themselves to protecting, until the end of their lives, and even after _that."_ Her gaze returned to Robin, eyes blazing. "And I want to have that knowledge, too. I want to know what was worth the lives of my countrymen. Mine… and yours. I want to know the knowledge of what happened in that lost century, what my ancestors did. I want to know what was so horrific that the government _my ancestors_ helped found decided to kill an entire island to erase it. I…" Vivi trailed off helplessly before bowing her head. "I-I _need_ to know. And I'll do whatever it takes to learn. So, please…"

Nefertari Vivi, Corsair Princess of Alabasta and descendant of one of the Twenty Kings who had founded the World Government, got on her knees and bowed her head before Nico Robin, the Devil Child of Ohara who posed one of the greatest existential threats _to_ said government, and spoke blasphemy.

"Teach me the Void Language," she pleaded. "I beg of you."

Robin did not respond for a few moments. And ultimately, it was neither she nor Vivi who broke the silence.

"Actually… I'd like to know, too."

Devil Child and Corsair Princess both snapped their heads around to stare at…

"Conis!?" they chorused in disbelief.

The Skypiean bit her lip and shuffled nervously at the attention, but she still nodded an affirmative. "I'm sorry if this is out of place, but the war that shaped all of Skypiea's culture for the past four hundred years… I thought it was over the vearth, and on my ancestors' part, it was…"

She wrung her hands and looked to the side sadly. "But I talked to the Shandians during the victory party. And the whole reason that they fought for so long was to safeguard the Poneglyph in the Fire of Shandora. I may have only recently learned of the Void Century, but it's as much a part of my life as it has been yours, even if it was for a completely different reason."

Conis stepped forward and looked Robin in the eye, her earlier nervousness gone. "So many people suffered for so long for a single stone… and I want to know why. I want to know what was so important, I want to know why it existed to begin with, I want to know it all. So I'm sorry if this is forward…" Conis bowed as low as she could. "But I have to learn why, and to learn I need your help. So… please…"

Robin didn't move, didn't even _blink_ , just staring incredulously at her two crewmates. This lasted for several seconds… and as those seconds stretched into minutes, Vivi and Conis exchanged looks. Silently coming to an agreement, Conis stood, planning to snap Robin out of her stupor.

Then, all at once, Robin burst out laughing.

"DERESHISHISHISHISHISHISHI! DERESHISHISHISHISHISHISHI!"

And this laugh wasn't like Robin's previous, if still genuine, bouts of laughter. Those, for all their sincerity, were still mild and controlled, easily muffled by a hand and closed jaw. This bout had Robin bent over, both hands clutching her gut and another pair sprouted from the tree she was leaning against holding her up. Tears streamed from her eyes, and if it went on much longer they'd probably be running from her nose. And a six-inch dragonfly could have flown in her mouth with room to spare, let alone a common housefly.

"Dereshishishi! Not just one, but _two_ people asking me, of their own free will, to teach them the Void Language for the genuine pursuit of knowledge!" Robin giggled with ecstatic mirth. "And I honestly consider those same two people my _friends!_ Ahh…" She wiped a wistful tear from her eye. "Life as a Straw Hat will never fail to reach new heights."

The would-be students perked up eagerly.

"So does this mean—?" Vivi queried.

Robin nodded at the princess, a hint of steel entering her gaze. "I warn the both of you: if you undertake this task, it will be like nothing you have ever experienced. I will not merely teach you, I will hold you to the standards of Ohara. I will work your eyes until they are little more than shriveled husks and drill your minds as they have never been drilled before. I caution you!" She stared at them with the utmost seriousness. "There will be pop quizzes. Are you truly prepared to live up to the standards of the greatest academic institution in the West Blue, if not the world?"

"Absolutely," Vivi said at once, her being brimming with confidence. Conis took a moment longer to nod firmly.

"Excellent! Then in that case," Robin said, an earnest smile on her face. "Let's begin!"

Without warning, simultaneous impacts to the backs of Vivi and Conis' legs brought the women to their knees, and in the same second they found their arms locked behind their backs and their heads yanked to attention.

"What the—!?" Conis exclaimed as Robin's expression contorted into an expression of childish bliss.

"Ohhh, this is going to be so much _fun!"_ Both women straight-up _froze_ with existential dread as Robin actually _squeed_ with enthusiasm, a notebook suddenly in her hand with a pencil in the other scribbling furiously in it. "I just need to jot down what we'll be starting on, and I can update my lesson plan when we get back to the Sunny!"

"H-H-How do you haf a wesson pwan if you nevah thought you'd be teaching anyone?" Carue stammered out.

"Why, I've had this lesson plan since I was a little girl, of course!" Robin replied, a perfectly sunny aura surrounding her as she continued to write. "I've always wanted students of my own, whom I could groom and teach and help mature into _wonderful_ archaeologists! Every young scholar's dream!"

Vivi paled as the pieces all came together. "Oh, dear sweet Horus, we're her _dollies,"_ she squeaked.

Conis glanced at Carue in terror. " _Help!"_

The supersonic duck took _one_ look at the _humming_ archaeologist before affixing the newly minted students with a flat look. "Yeeeaaah… you two bwought this on yoahselves, and wheah Vivi is concewned, my job descwiption expwicitwy excwudes pwotection fwom tutahs. And on that note!" The pond exploded with displaced water as the duck shot away.

" _Traitor…"_ Vivi sobbed tearfully.

"Lesson one!" Robin suddenly announced, smiling brightly as she flipped the notepad so that her students could see. "Basic forms of the characters. I expect you to pay close enough attention that you'll have no less than half of it done within the next five hours. Perhaps then we can take a break for dinner. Isn't that great?"

So far out in the woods, nobody could hear the girls' pleas for mercy. Well, nobody except a certain cloud fox, who immediately perked up and lost her bad mood upon hearing the sound.

"That sounds like Conis," she mused. "Maybe I should go check on her." As she considered that, her survival instincts fairly _screamed_ at her to stay away. "On second thought, maybe I should go find someone else to bother…"

**-o-**

"I guess this is supposed to be flattery?" Perona deadpanned, looking at the haircuts and shirts of the four adolescents she and Nami had reluctantly followed into the island's cave system at their… _enthusiastic_ insistence. "This _is_ still the 'attraction' stage, right?"

"I wouldn't know," Nami replied with surprising calm. "I spent most of my adolescence _away_ from teenage boys."

"Lucky."

Nami gave her… she would be generous and term the spirit a 'friend' a flat look. "Because all through puberty, I was a slave in all but _chains_ to the bastard who killed my mother."

Perona had the good grace to cough heavily in her fist and avert her gaze so that she was looking anywhere _but_ at the navigator. "…my condolences?"

The Straw Hat maintained her flat look for a few seconds more before raising her hands in a dismissive shrug. "It's fine, it's fine, you couldn't have known." Perona's guilt alleviated, she turned back to the four boys who, quite admirably, were visibly suppressing their excitement in light of what they'd just heard. "Same for you guys. Now, are we almost where you wanted to show me something?"

The members of the—Nami hid her grimace with expert ease—Orenami Fan Club all perked up at the reminder of why they were there, and picked up their pace. "Just a little farther, Lady Nami! Right around here!"

The four of them rounded another few columns before coming to a stone structure covered by a large sheet. Both women looked with a bit of apprehension as the boys, with a flourish, removed the cloth. Then they blinked.

It was an intricately carved, life-sized statue of Nami, apparently going off of the image on her wanted poster. The sunny but mischievous smile on her face, the tattoo on her shoulder, the revealing clothes, even the Clima-Tact and clouds were all carved with all the skill that the navigator would expect of an artist like Usopp.

"Oooookay, screw attraction, _this_ is obsession…" Perona whistled. She then glanced at the subject of the teenager's 'admiration'. "Hold off on the lightning till I'm out of the line of fire. I don't know how that stuff affects my astral projection, and I don't _want_ to know."

"Mmm…" Nami mused with a slight frown, her Eisen Tempo shifting around and her fingers playing with the other sections of her Clima-Tact.

And then, the cloud stilled and she brought her other hand up to cup her chin as she observed the statue. "To be honest… I don't really mind this. It's actually kind of flattering."

Perona straight up boggled at the pirate, her incredulous " _Really!?"_ syncing up with the teenagers' eager remix.

"Well, sure," Nami nodded kindly, walking up and giving the statue an appreciative once-over. "It's a skillfully rendered version of me at my most badass, why _wouldn't_ I like it? It's so good… you know what?" She clapped her hands and beamed at the nearly swooning fan club. "I think I wouldn't mind autographing this! Free of… of…" Nami trailed off, her mouth working but no sound coming out. Grimacing, she coughed into her fist and held her hand out, a blush staining her cheeks. "Five hundred berries for the autograph. For all four of you."

"Worth every bit!" one of them declared, counting out the bills and laying them in her palm.

"What, no pencil?" Perona snarked.

"Of course not!" another member of the club snorted pridefully. "Lady Nami is the world-class navigator who'll chart the world! She has a writing implement on her at all times!"

Nami smiled and blushed bashfully as she confirmed the words by drawing a pencil from her back pocket. "These boys have my number, alright." And with that, she signed her name on the statue's un-tattooed shoulder with a flourish. She then stepped back so that the fan club could admire it. "Enjoy, boys!"

And enjoy they did, crowding around the statue and admiring the signature with glee. Nami, for her part, stood back and watched with an inflating sense of pride while Perona floated off, her interest in the ongoing spectacle expended.

"We actually got an autograph from Lady Nami! _The_ Lady Nami!"

"Do you think the island'll have good weather all the time now? I bet it will!"

"I told you guys showing her this would be awesome, I _told_ you!"

"Good thing she didn't find the other one, huh?"

And with that one line, everyone in the cavern froze up.

After a moment, Nami said "'Other one'?", one brow climbing towards her hairline.

The teenager who'd spoken winced miserably. "Whoops…"

" _Duuuuude."_

"Yeaaah, about that…" Perona droned.

Seeing the expression on her face, Nami followed the pink-haired woman's gaze to where, tucked into an alcove of the cave, there was _another_ statue. This statue had two main differences from the one on the pedestal: first, it was by all appearances a _nude_ statue, though thankfully without much anatomical detail… and second, the face looked like one of _Luffy's_ paintings.

She honestly wasn't sure which was worse.

"Some fans you've got here," Perona deadpanned.

"Boys?" Nami asked tightly, her Eisen Tempo starting to writhe, though it still maintained its white coloration.

The boys' survival instincts promptly showed their worth, as they immediately fell to their knees, pressed their foreheads to the stone, and began pleading for forgiveness.

"We're so sorry, Lady Nami!"/"We couldn't get it right the first time, so we succumbed to our whims!"/"We swear we didn't mean any offense!"/"Please forgive us!"

Nami glared at them for a few moments longer before turning on her heel with a huff. "Because the final draft is this good, I'll let you off this _once_. And I expect you to destroy that abomination ASAP."

The teenagers all sighed in relief.

"Thank you most merciful Lady Nami!"/ "You are a goddess!"/ "We're the luckiest bastards alive!" /"It's a _really_ good thing she didn't find the rest!"

And _hello_ freeze again.

Perona shoved her fingers in her ears with a defeated sigh. "Oh, this is going to be _loud."_

" _DUDE!"_

Before the other three teens could lambast their friend, all four were frozen by the reek of ozone suddenly ramming its way into their nostrils.

Shivering in terror, the boys returned their attention to Nami, to find that not only was she trembling and scowling with fury and not only had she deployed her Clima-Tact to its full length, but her Eisen Tempo was looming over them all like a tempest born of hell itself.

"' _The rest'?"_ Nami repeated in a frigid tone.

"I'd say it was nice knowing you boys, but…" Perona trailed off as she slowly backed out of the zone of fire.

"' _THE REST!?'"_

The flickering lights from her clouds served to illuminate another alcove. And this one had at least a dozen statues in it. And while the face improved steadily with each one… every last one of them was nude, with the craftsmanship of the chest and pelvic regions particularly impeccable.

And the instant that Nami comprehended that sight, the boys' world became light, sound, and _pain._

**-o-**

Yoko blinked rapidly, trying to get rid of the spots in her eyesight as fast as possible. It had been a long time since she had been on her father's ship, since she had dealt with an assault on her eardrums like a cannon going off beside her. Too long, judging by the fact that her ears were ringing as badly as the first time she remembered, but going by how she could almost feel the latent charge crackling in her clothes, the endurance would have been something of a cold comfort even if she still had it.

"Any comments, Perona?"

Yoko hastily silenced a curse, pressing herself further behind the stalagmite she'd been using as cover as she watched the pirates pass by. The one who'd spoken was the ginger, whose mood was still quite stormy.

The girl took a second to muffle a snicker at her pun before listening in as the ghost girl gave her reply in a faux-pleasant voice.

"…Well, off the top of my head, I wanna say that this isn't normally what they mean by the 'destruction' stage, but—!" The ghost girl trailed off into a coughing fit as the weather-woman's cloud started to darken. "Ah, I mean, no, no comment."

Yoko's eyes twitched at the exchange, and she waited for the pair to pass before doubling back to check the stretch of cavern she'd evacuated.

Within a minute, she reached the scene of the carnage. She took in the charred, still-groveling forms of the four adolescents. She took in the stretch of cavern that had almost certainly been magnetized from the lightning and the rubble that had once been finely carved stone. She glanced back in the direction of the pirates who were stalking off, obviously responsible for the devastation and clearly devoid of remorse.

And, once she'd taken it all in, she shook her head as she calmly tore the page she'd been working on out of her notebook and threw it away. As much as she hated to admit it, in this case the fact that that cloud woman, Nami, was a pirate didn't matter. What she had done was a fair reaction from any decent member of their gender, and Yoko herself was honestly happy with the results. Even ignoring the fact that the boys had been obsessing over a _pirate_ , that level of interest in _anyone_ was just… creepy!

Ugh. _Boys._

**-o-**

Meanwhile, as they walked out of the cave system, Perona and Nami glanced at one another.

"So," Nami started politely. "How'd you realize she was there?"

Perona gave her parasol a polite twirl. "A decade of experience recon-ing a dank and dark hole," she answered, along with another twirl. "You?" Twirl.

The navigator spun her finger in the air. "Air currents. I can't read too much, but a little girl a few feet away is child's play."

"Impressive."

"You too."

**-o-**

A half hour later, Yoko found herself skulk— _infiltrating!_ She was _infiltrating_ the less visible parts of the Little East Blue's only and spread-out population center, maintaining her stealth so as to better observe the interlopers in her home.

Yoko was quite pleased with herself, if she was being honest. She'd already gathered copious amounts of evidence against almost all of the pirates, evidence that was _sure_ to show everyone just how dangerous these pirates were, and how they needed to get them off their island and sunk to the bottom of the sea _yesterday._

Still, as good as what Yoko had right now was, she still felt she could do _better._ If she wanted to do this and do it right, she'd need to peg the whole crew, every last one, to a T. She was already well underway, thankfully enough; after all, she'd even managed to start with the cap—!

Every curse her father and his men had ever let slip near her shot through Yoko's mind as she spun around and confirmed her worst suspicions: the windmill's blades were devoid and the Straw Hat's captain was nowhere to be seen. He'd disappeared when she wasn't looking!

"Damn it damn it _damn it!"_ Yoko spat, all notions of subtlety lost as she broke out into a dead run. She had-had- _had_ to find that pirate, and fast! He was the leader of the bunch, so if he decided to start anything on her watch, then it was on _her_ conscience!

Her panic only intensified as she failed to find any sign of the pirate, despite running all over the village. The possibility of him going back to his ship was brought up and promptly discarded; no way was the captain going back with all his crew still scattered throughout the village. So, the question was, just where _was—?_

"No! Please! Have mercy upon this poor soul! Please, no more, _no more!_ "

Yoko's head snapped towards the Little Baratie's pond as a terrorized scream shot through the air. "Mitsuboshi!" she cursed, panic filling her veins as she ran towards the floating restaurant. Her feet thumped across the bridge to the restaurant, and she _nearly_ burst through the front doors, but at the last moment the girl's self-honed sense of stealth and self-preservation kicked in and diverted her to the nearest window. She took a moment to brace herself for a gruesome scene, and then stood to look through the glass, braced for a scene of carnage such that she hadn't seen since her father's death.

If she hadn't braced herself so much, she would have face-faulted rather than stared in flat disbelief, one eye twitching furiously.

Before Yoko's eyes, in Chef Mitsuboshi's beloved restaurant, said chef was looking rather panicked. The source of that was clear: the captain had apparently gotten tired of the windmill after a short while, and was currently sitting in the middle of the restaurant, clinking together a knife and fork and grinning widely, a large stack of dirty plates already right next to him. The sharp-dressed pirate chef was also there, a hand on Mitsuboshi's shoulder that was as much comforting as it was dragging him along to the kitchen.

"'Eating all of our food'," she growled, carving the words into her notepad. She glanced back up into the restaurant, and flinched.

Easily the most disturbing member of the Straw Hat Pirates, and the only one that everyone else in the village was as ignorant about as she, was also in the restaurant. The angle she was at and the fact that his back was turned hid his skinless face from the girl, thank goodness. All she could see of his deathly form were the bony fingers that held a violin, upon which he was fiddling away a tune that she couldn't quite keep herself from tapping her fingers in rhythm to.

Yet, she was having trouble determining exactly what the point of the song was; it was too upbeat to just be accompaniment for eating…

And then Mitsuboshi and the pirate chef walked back in and put new plates of food before the gorging captain, setting the dishes down to the music's tempo, and things became _far_ too clear to Yoko.

"Employing… mind control… through music…" she bit out as she barely refrained from putting her pencil through her pad. She no sooner finished writing the words down than she sprinted away, with no intention of subjecting herself to that mind control.

She shortly found herself near one of the older settlements on the island, a place known as the Dragon Shrine. The old man who lived there was apparently the brother or cousin or something of the elder from his home, Warship Island, and he offered free history lessons about the place's history and the Millennial Dragons. Yoko had stopped by the shrine a few times in the past, but the only thing she ever remembered was waking up on the floor after sleeping all day.

But seeing a familiar being in front of her, she trudged grimly up to the shrine, wondering what the fake Boss's lackeys were up to. Coming closer, she eyed the four dugongs standing before the old man as he gave his lecture, and settled in to watch whatever nefarious deeds they were committing.

Unfortunately, this also meant she had to listen to the dragon priest, but she was sure she could manage. After all, how bad could he be?

"—and so it was that in the fifth era, Miriola XII replaced his father, Miriola XI, as the high priest of the island. Five years later, his son, Miriola the XIII, was born. Three years later, a fire burned down the east dormitory, which you will recall was built by Jisro VII. Several were killed in the fire, but the most notable lives lost were those of Inzi LII, Kisa XXII, and _die filthy pirates, die die die—!_ "

"SNRK!"

Yoko snapped her head up, ripping herself out of the dream she'd been drifting into. ' _For the love of—!'_ the girl cursed silently as she wiped away what little drool she'd let slip. ' _How can a man known as a_ dragon priest _from a place known as_ Warship Island _be so damn boring!?'_

Still, in spite of the shame she felt at herself for letting her concentration slip, Yoko felt sufficiently absolved of any wrongdoing by how the dugongs hadn't moved an inch while she snoozed, and they didn't look like they were going to move at all anytime soon.

"I see, I see. So that would mean—! _Fascinating!"_ the one in the purple bandanna muttered to himself, his pencil moving so fast that smoke was wafting up from the notepad he was, by all appearances, _gleefully taking notes in_.

The blue-bandanna wearer, however, seemed to disagree, if the way he was scowling and swinging a pair of wooden boken through a series of elaborate katas was anything to go by. "It… should be… a _crime…_ for something… to be… this _boring!"_ he grit out.

And as for the final pair…

"Zzzzz…"

The other two dugongs were leaning against one another, skullplates knocking together as they blatantly and openly snored. Though… 'blatantly' was a bit of an understatement. In truth, their mouths were hanging open and literally overflowing with drool.

And if the birds that were bathing in said basins of saliva were anything to go by, they'd been that way for awhile.

Yoko stared at the scene for a few seconds longer, but that short time was enough for the Sandman to start ensnaring her mind again. Now that she was paying attention she could feel it coming, and so she slapped her cheeks a couple of times before turning on her heel and bolting away until the shrine was no longer in earshot. She looked down at the page of notes she had scribbled—

"' _The cat in the hat smells like a rat that's way too—'_ Oh for the love of—!"

—and expressed her exasperation at the nonsensical content by tearing it to pieces. She shook her head in dismissal; the worst that those blubber-butts could do with whatever they were getting out of that history lesson was lull innocent civilians to sleep, and she doubted that any pirates would have any reason to be that patient or subtle, and that went double for pirates as destructive as these.

One more skim of her notes brought a smile to her face as she saw how close her endeavor was to fruition; despite the two hiccups, she had enough evidence that she was sure they would run the pirates out of their town. Her mind filling with increasingly vindictive fantasies, Yoko resumed her run back towards town, intent on finding the… final… _pirate…_

Yoko suddenly halted in her tracks, a horrified realization sinking into the pit of her stomach. She'd run through the entire crew, she'd seen each and every last one of them, gotten dirt on them all… except for one.

The one she hated the most for insulting her father's service, the one who was the entire reason that the entire village and even Boss had been brainwashed into thinking that any pirates could be considered good people: The Voice of Anarchy, Jeremiah Cross himself.

And if she'd already run through the whole crew, then that could only leave the blonde guy she'd completely dismissed as a harmless musclehead. It was with that thought that she remembered that said man was also famous for always having a _talking snail on his shoulder!_

"STUPID, STUPID, _STUPID!"_ Yoko raged, slamming her notebook against her face repeatedly. She then spun on her heel, ready to go looking for him, only to fall flat on her face out of dizziness. Dizziness, perhaps, that came from too many blows to the head?

"Stupiiiiid…" she groaned.

The young girl spent the next minute or so getting her head re-centered. That done, she slowly climbed to her feet and began to look, picking up speed as fast as she went, and straining her eyes and ears while trying to narrow down the search a bit. She'd checked the library, the dojo, the windmill, the Mini-Baratie, so where else—?

" _ **HONK-HONK!"**_

Ah, right. A talking, very _loud_ snail.

Yoko immediately made tracks towards the source of the noise, bracing herself for whatever horrors she might behold…

And was forced to fight down a _blisteringly_ strong urge to cuss out a blue storm when all she 'beheld' was the sight of the blond pirate, the loud mouth who was shattering the world, Jeremiah Cross… sitting at the table of a local café, with his snail on the tabletop across from him, a dog devouring a steak at his feet, and an _elephant_ of all things sitting to the side and digging its trunk through a bowl of fruit.

Now, it should be clarified that the reason for Yoko's outrage? It wasn't entirely because of the pirate's apparently peaceful demeanor; it played a part, sure, but the lion's share of her fury came from the pirate's location for relaxation itself. The café he was offering patronage to was known as the 153's Pride. It was named after the 153rd Marine Branch of Shell Island, and it was run by a Marine who'd left active duty and come to live out his glory years in the Little East Blue.

So, basically, the pirate was sitting at a café whose flag-adorned wall blatantly announced the establishment's affiliation, and the owner, who was one of Yoko's _best friends on the island besides Boss,_ was standing next to said pirate's table, clearly ready to take his order, though he _was_ looking at the snail with clear confusion.

"I think," Jeremiah Cross informed the owner, an eyebrow cocked at his snail. "That that translates to him wanting a hard-boiled egg, which we will not be having as I will not be paying for anything more than lettuce for this joker."

" _FINE BY ME,"_ the snail grumbled, rolling his eyes. " **FOR SOME REASON,** _ **that gag wasn't as fresh**_ **as it could have been."**

"Heheh, of course," the elderly Marine chuckled kindly. "So, to confirm… lettuce for the snail, French toast, sausages and hot chocolate for you?"

"And another rib-eye for me!" the dog barked eagerly, lapping up the last of the juices on his plate.

"And an even bigger hole in my pocket for me…" the pirate lamented. "Least I'm not in debt anymore…"

"Don't worry, son, you won't be with me either," the old Marine reassured the pirate. "And before you protest, one of the first things your captain did after going to sea was doing good by the 153rd. As far as I'm concerned, any Straw Hat who eats here has had their tab paid ten times over…" He then grimaced reluctantly. "So long as that Straw Hat isn't Luffy himself, I mean. I'm generous, but I don't want to be bankrupted, either."

"Yeah, that's more than fair," Cross replied, waving the owner off. "In that case, thanks, the order you gave me will be just fine."

"Alright, I'll get right on that. You boys hang tight!" And with that, the old Marine went back into his establishment.

Once the old man was gone, the elephant chuckled and glanced over at the happily panting hound. "Eesh, you want to slow down there, Lassoo? You're starting to match Luffy steak for steak in terms of appetite!"

"HAHA! _He's right,_ **you know!"** Soundbite cackled. " **We might be loaded,** _ **but the saying is 'FAT CAT',**_ _NOT 'FAT DOG'!"_

"Stick and stones might break my bones, but I'll eat them _and_ your words any day!" Lassoo shot back at his fellow animals. "This diet isn't anything new, it's _normal_ for me! And just so we're clear here, I'm not fat, I'm hefty!"

"Hmm…" Cross hummed thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "I don't think you're wrong… but I also think Funkfreed and Soundbite have a point, too."

"I'M NOT FAT, I'M HEFTY!" the dog barked.

"What happened to 'eating our words', huh?" the elephant asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Alright, alright, I was agreeing with you!" Cross backpedaled with an untroubled smile, warding off the angry mutt with his hands. "I was…" He leaned back in his seat and looked at his dog, an apparently thoughtful look on his face as he gave the canine a once over. "Just looking at it from another angle is all."

The dog, Lassoo, raised an eyebrow at Cross before laying down with a dismissive wuff.

As she watched the scene, Yoko, for the life of her, couldn't divine the nefarious purpose behind Cross's actions. He had to be up to something; he was wearing armor on his arms and legs, for crying out loud! And besides that, he was punching his right palm with his left fist, repeatedly. That screamed 'itching for a fight', but he wasn't doing anything active.

But this was Jeremiah Cross, Voice of Anarchy. He was the Plan Guy. She could concede that _some_ of the pirates were not immediately doing nefarious things, but not him! Even that talk of 'another angle' was no help. _What_ other angle?

When the answer did come to her, her spine suddenly felt like it'd been replaced by a chunk of ice. "He's operating at such a higher level…" she breathed, despair coloring her voice. "That I _can't_ figure out his plan!" That despair was promptly chased away by renewed determination. "Well, fine! Sooner or later he's going to enact his plan! I just need to follow him, and react when I need to!"

As it turned out, however, that point in time would arrive sooner than Yoko expected. Or rather, it would arrive _immediately._

Without warning, the snail, Soundbite, snapped its eyestalks to attention, an alert look suddenly on his face. Barely a second later, Cross glanced at him with his own serious expression, and slipped his earphones over his head. After a few seconds of listening, the pirate's expression darkened and he turned his gaze to his suddenly attentive pets. "Gear up," he ordered sharply.

To Yoko's shock, the dog and elephant transformed before her very eyes; the dog morphed into a titanic cannon that was only slightly larger than his original mass, while the elephant shrank into a somewhat ornate saber. And then, to her terror, Cross picked them both up, slinging the dog-cannon into a strap on his back and slotting the blade into a sheath that was on his back as well, angled opposite the cannon, and then placed his snail on his shoulder.

And finally, to her _horror,_ the pirate started walking towards the door of the café. Before she even knew what she was doing, Yoko found herself running full tilt at the pirate. She couldn't let him harm anyone, she couldn't lose anyone again, _she couldn't—!_

Cross leaned his head into the storefront. "Hey, old man!"

The slide onto her ass, a result of trying to stop fast and hide on wet grass, would probably result in grass stains. Yoko didn't care. She just strained her ears to listen.

"Yeah? What's up, kid?" she heard the owner call out.

"I, ah," Cross glanced over his shoulder before continuing. "I'm gonna need you to put my order on hold for a bit. Just 'til I get back is all."

"Eh? You goin' somewhere?"

"Just for a bit," Cross assured him. "I've got some business I've got to take care of real quick of is all. It's…" Cross glanced to the side, his finger tapping on his thigh. Yoko wasn't any expert on reading people, but even _she_ could tell when someone was lying out their ass. "It's nothing serious, should just take a second or two. Just hold off on the cooking until I get back, alright?"

"If you say so."

"Thanks!" And with that, the Straw Hat drew back from the establishment and Yoko hid herself even further behind her vantage point, prepared to bolt or scream as was appropriate as he… started walking _away_ from the town and towards the shore!?

"What the…?" Yoko breathed to herself. The Marine girl glanced around uncertainly, weighing her options. After all, for all that she was something of a fanatic, Yoko was not stupid enough to be ignorant of the risks of a young girl like her running after a pirate—especially one as dangerous as Jeremiah Cross—all on her own.

But… But if the alternative was to just stand by and do _nothing,_ to watch as a pirate ran rampant, on _her_ island, _again…_

Yoko sent a silent prayer for forgiveness to her father before sneaking after the pirate.

Thankfully, the local topography worked in the girl's favor. The short cliffs that were arrayed between the town and the shore allowed the girl to stagger out her observation without any risk of being spotted or losing sight of her quarry. And once the pursuer and pursued hit the tree line, it only got easier.

However, it was much to Yoko's surprise that her quarry _defied_ her expectations, in that rather than heading straight for the shore, the pirate suddenly stopped in the middle of the woods for no apparent reason. Cross glanced at his snail, the pair speaking too softly for Yoko to hear. Once they finished, the pirate leaned himself against a tree, his head bowed, cap tilted down to shadow his eyes, and arms crossed over his chest. He didn't move from that position, and Yoko didn't move from where she was watching him, trying to figure out what he was doing. Waiting for something, obviously… but what?

It was a minute more before she got her answer. Cross looked up from his position and raised an arm in a wave. " _¡Eh! ¡Buenos días! ¿Que pasa?"_ Despite the call being in Cross's voice, Yoko didn't see his lips move until after the call went out. Straining her ears, she caught the exchange that followed:

"I hope you didn't provoke them right away."

" **Give me a little credit!** _All I did was GREET THEM."_

Before Yoko could start to puzzle anything out, she got her answer: Footfalls, and lots of them, approaching their position.

Yoko tensed as a large group of sombrero-clad men in western outfits filtered through the trunks, led by a comparatively short luchador clad in a sombrero that was as wide as he was and a decorated poncho. All of them looked mean and were packing heat, and it didn't take long for Yoko to come to the correct conclusion. For all that, however, Cross neither flinched nor spoke. The luchador did, however.

"You… You're Jeremiah Cross, right?" the luchador questioned, giving the blond pirate a onceover. "Third mate of the Straw Hat Pirates?"

"Pfheheh, yup!" Cross grinned brightly as he thumbed up the brim of his cap. "And seeing as you already know me, it's only fair you return the favor, no?"

The other pirate chewed his lip briefly, before nodding. "Corto." He nodded his head at the mariachi-outfitted men with him. "Vice Captain of the Amigo Pirates." The newly named Corto glanced around hesitantly for a second before looking back at the armored pirate. "The ship we saw on the coast when we landed, it was yours, sí? Meaning… the rest of your crew is on this island as well?"

"Yep," Cross casually answered. "Just stopped by for a bit of shore leave on our way to Sabaody before we hopped the Line. It's a nice place, nice people. Pretty sizeable too, I'm sure they could handle catering two crews at once."

Yoko bristled viciously at whatever the hell the Straw Hat was getting at, but when the larger pirate shook his head with a dismissive grunt she shoved it down. "Nah, we're here on business, not pleasure. We've got a job to do, and it's here on this island."

One of Cross' eyebrows shifted up. "Oh? 'Zat so? Anything we could help you with? Y'know…" He tilted his head to the side slightly. "Help you get on your way without any problems?"

Corto paused, visibly weighing his options before slowly nodding. "Well… if you're offering… You seen a giant beetle anywhere 'round here?"

Yoko's whole _world_ froze, but even through her nascent panic, she still saw Cross' jaw twitch slightly, and she also heard Corto continue.

"We're not gonna hurt it or nothin', _no se preocupe,"_ the luchador assured the Straw Hat with a smile that _almost_ managed to look sincere. "It's just that it's, ah… it's _lost_ is all. Its owners lost track of it awhile back, and we're just lookin' to get it back to where it rightly belongs. So, think you can help us out?"

Cross didn't answer immediately, his arms crossed and head bowed. After a moment, he looked up and tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm, beetle, beetle… you mean a big ol' bug, about…" He held his hands apart in demonstration. "Ten tons heavy, armored to the nines, with a massive-ass horn in the middle of it's face?"

"Yeah, that's the one! You seen it?"

Yoko did her utmost best to burn a hole through Cross's skull, and she was _certain_ she would have succeeded—

"Nope!" Cross chirped, a pleasant smile on his face. "Sorry, can't help you!"

If it weren't for Cross saying _that_ , throwing both the foreigner and the local _way_ off their game.

The luchador sagged with disappointment. "So… you _haven't_ seen it?"

"Oh no, I _did_ see it," Cross clarified, his smile unflinching and his tone of voice as pleasant as ever as he raised his arms in a helpless shrug. "But I forget the details of it, and am thus incapable of helping you. So~rry~"

Apparently Corto was smarter than he looked, because from his visible fury he clearly smelled the rat that was all over Cross. "Listen, you—!"

"No, you listen."

The tension that Yoko had been feeling since entering the forest abruptly intensified as Cross's expression suddenly sobered up and he stood from the tree he'd been leaning against, his face taking on the visage of the bloodthirsty pirate she knew he really was.

"If you know what's good for you," Cross warned the Amigo's First Mate. "I'd suggest you and your pack of banditos forget about that beetle. Monster-hunting is a dangerous sport, you see. Very…" He rolled his fingers in the air. "Very _treacherous._ It's just, you never know just what beastie might get in your way and decide to tear a strip out of your hide…" Cross cocked his head to the side with a tight smile, and slid an inch of his sword's blade out of its hilt, so that it could glint in the light. "If you catch my drift."

Corto tensed at the move, eyeing the other pirate before him in disbelief and, to Yoko's surprise, more than a little trepidation. "You… You _really_ think that we're scared of you?" he grit out. "That an overhyped, big-mouthed wannabe like you can beat us?"

The Straw Hat gave the Amigo Pirates a onceover before snapping his head down with a derisive snort. "No no noooo, that's not right. See, what I _think_ is that you're little more than a fat _bully_ who's never once in his life had the guts to pick a fight with someone who could actually defend themselves."

Then, before Corto could react, Cross stepped forwards and shoved the tips of his fingers in the larger man's chest, forcing him to take a step back.

"What I _know,"_ Cross bit out venomously. "Is that I can kick your tub of lard ass right back to the shoreline and clean off this island. And something tells me that somewhere in that fat skull you're hiding behind that mask which you are _disgracing_ by wearing, you have just enough brain cells to know that if you try and do anything to me, one way or the other, you'll be spending your next few _siestas_ sipping your _horchata_ through a _wired jaw."_

"SO!" Cross barked, taking a step back from the Amigos. "I'm going to tell you this once, and _only_ once, before I get madder than I already am: do the smart thing. Forget you ever heard about that beetle…"

Out of the blue, Cross lashed his left arm out, slamming his fist into a nearby tree—

_**SMASH!** _

And causing everyone nearby to jump when the bark splintered readily, creating a wide crater that was almost deep enough to compromise the tree's stability.

"And get the _hell_ off this island," Cross finished coldly. "Before I _throw_ your ass off it."

The Amigo Pirates all glowered ferociously. Corto especially looked to be supremely ticked off, and _so close_ to taking a swing at Cross. But in a show of restraint atypical for people his build, the large pirate's only response was a derisive snort before he spun on his heel and marched off. His underlings glanced between him and Cross for a moment before electing it better to follow their First Mate's lead than take their chances with the Straw Hat.

A minute after the last of them had disappeared into the tree line, Cross spoke again. "Soundbite, warn the rest of the crew. The first mate looked to have half a brain, but if a captain who's so cocky he doesn't lead from the front doesn't come back to try a better assault, I'll eat a biscuit."

"YUCK," Soundbite gagged.

"Oh, yeah, and you should probably warn the village, too."

"… **was that last part** _ **to me?"**_

Yoko stiffened.

"Nah…" Cross nonchalantly replied, to the point of digging a finger into his ear. "That last part was to the person who failed to consider that listening to the SBS would give knowledge about our fighting abilities." He then glanced straight towards Yoko and her hiding spot. "Like, say, the fact that Soundbite can hear everything that goes on within a _one-mile radius_ , even if it's no louder than a heartbeat?"

Yoko abruptly remembered that all of those animals had been talking throughout her vigil, which she knew was the snail's doing…

"Or the fact that I could smell her a few meters away?" the dog-cannon added.

A dog-cannon. A _dog…_ and of course it would have the nose of a freaking bloodhound!

"You're _really_ not good at the whole clandestine thing, are you?" the sword finished flatly.

Her face red as a brick, Yoko finally hit her limit for how much bullshit she could handle, turning on her heel and bolting for the town, heedless of any attempt at stealth.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Cross grimaced at his primary partner. "IIII'm gonna guess that that all could have sounded better?"

" _Liiiiiittle_ **bit, yeah,"** Soundbite snarked. He then glanced aside. "BUT, MOVING ON FROM THAT…" The snail flicked his eyestalks at the mutilated tree. " **WHAT THE HELL WAS** _**THAT?"**_

Cross dismissed Yoko as well in favor of ghosting his fingers over the crater he'd made in the tree. "Me acting out a hunch that I'm actually surprised paid off…"

" _OKAY, LEMME TRY AGAIN:_ _**since**_ WHEN _**could you do that?"**_

"If my hunch is right?" Cross grinned eagerly as he turned and started to walk back towards Little East Blue. "Probably for awhile now."

**-o-**

The mood inside the _Xibalba_ was at once impatient and reluctant.

On the one hand, Captain Largo was still enjoying his siesta, and everyone had had the consequences of interrupting said siesta thoroughly impressed upon them long ago, which left them waiting for him to wake up on his own. On the other hand, they weren't exactly delivering _good_ news, either, and every instant that they lingered on the island's shores after being told, _explicitly_ at that, to get the hell _out_ by one of the last crews anyone on the Grand Line wanted to piss off was an instant closer to them all getting their asses kicked seven ways from Sunday.

So great was their trepidation that Corto was actually entertaining the idea of suffering his brother's wrath if it meant they got off the island sooner, but the decision was taken out of his hands when Largo's snoring suddenly snapped off in a harsh snort.

For a full minute, the inside of the _Xibalba_ was frozen, nobody breathing, nobody even twitching.

And then every one of the Amigo Pirates save for one flinched, as that 'one' lifted his head just enough for a single eye to glare out from under his sombrero at the person who acted as his First Mate.

"I believe," Largo intoned. "I told you… to go out and get me that beetle. And that unless you had a love for pain, you had better not even _consider_ the idea of returning without it. This leaves two options. Either that beetle is both invisible and utterly silent, in which case _mis disculpas…_ or you are just _itching_ for me to introduce you to a whole new _world_ of agony. So. Tell me."

Shivers wracked the pirates as Largo slowly rose from his resting position, looming over his brother and towering over the rest, and gave him a lazy yet no less lethal glare.

"Which is it," he inquired frigidly.

It was a credit to Corto that he managed to refrain from dying on the spot of heart failure, or even show terror to his older and _seriously_ dangerous brother. Instead, he swallowed minutely (both saliva and his nerves) and met his brother's gaze. "We have a problem. Recovering the beetle has been rendered _impossible._ "

"This had better be the best explanation of your life," Largo sneered.

The heavyset luchador swallowed uncomfortably, still looking his brother in the eye even as his mask became increasingly muggy. "We are landed," he whispered in a hoarse tone. "Directly beside the _Mil Soleado."_

Those words actually got Largo to pause, and it was to the Amigos' _immense_ relief that their captain slowly sank into a sitting position on his bed. "The Straw Hat Pirates," he confirmed. "You're sure."

Corto nodded with almost frantic desperation. " _Completamente!_ I spoke with Jeremiah Cross himself, and he made it clear, in _no_ uncertain terms, that we weren't welcome on this island! The beetle is here, _sí,_ but the Straw Hats are protecting it! And before you say it, _sí,_ I could have _absolutamente_ punched the little weasel's head off his shoulders, but then I'd have gotten the whole crew down on our heads! I might be afraid of failing our employers, and I might be terrified of failing _you,_ _hermano…_ but one thing I absolutely am _not_ is _estupido_ enough to anger the pirates who _invaded Enies Lobby and lived to tell of it!"_

By the end of his diatribe, Corto was panting and staring at his brother in outright terror, silently begging him, _begging_ him, to do the right thing, and for once, let them just walk away.

And for a few glorious seconds, as Largo was thoughtfully silent, Corto felt _hope_ that that would happen.

Finally, Largo spoke. "You are right about one thing, _hermano…_ To tangle with the Straw Hats is to court disaster."

Corto let the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding slowly leak out of his nostrils, relief flooding his being.

" _But."_

And just like that, all that hope and relief turned to dread and bile.

Largo slowly rose from his bed and cast his gaze out over his crew. "We will go through with our mission nevertheless."

Terror overrode his survival instinct—or more accurately, half his survival instinct drop-kicked the other half—and Corto did the unthinkable and grasped his brother's shoulders to shake him furiously. " _¿Estás completamente loco?_ I repeat! Straw Hats! _Enies Lobby!_ We have _one_ Devil Fruit, _yours,_ and not only do they have almost half a dozen of their own, but their _unpowered_ members have managed to take out almost a dozen total ability users _on their own!_ They will chew us up and spit us out before you can even ask ' _¿Quieres leche con tu horchata?'!_ _Hermano_ , I respect you and I fear you, and I _will_ die for you… but not like this, man! Not like—"

"Corto."

The larger pirate froze under his older brother's half-lidded stare. It was a stare that he'd seen many times as they'd grown up together and had thankfully seen less and less as the years had gone by. It was a stare that screamed—

"Are you done?"

Yeah, that, only a lot less politely.

"I… think so?" Corto hesitantly squeaked, before reasoning that yes, he was indeed done. "Yeah, I'm done."

"Thank you," Largo deadpanned. "Now, you all listen to me, and you all listen _good."_

Every last sombrero-clad man nodded, facing their captain with complete and terrified attention. Largo graced them with a flat gaze before he spoke again.

"The Straw Hats are strong. Stronger than most crews, and undoubtedly stronger than us. I acknowledge this, _sí_. They are also insane, insanely lucky, and all around some of the most dangerous _pendejos_ to sail the Grand Line. This too, I acknowledge…" Largo nodded slowly, before giving them all a chilling glare. "But _you all_ must acknowledge _this:_ that if there is one man who the Straw Hats are not stronger than, it is the man whose patronage we seek. Whose favor _we_ have garnered."

The tall bandito started to pace back and forth. "That man is not merely a New World veteran. He was a contemporary, a _rival_ , of the Pirate King, Gold Roger. He was feared by Marines and Pirates alike the world over, and he _clawed_ his way out of the blackest pits of Impel Down itself, a feat never accomplished before, or after. That man…" Largo let loose a grim chuckle. "He is, without a doubt in my mind, the single strongest human being in all of _Paraíso._ And we are working _with him._ Do you truly believe that rookies like the Straw Hats, no matter _how_ strong, can stand up to _him?"_

"Yeah, sure, they'd fall before _him_ of course, _hermano!"_ Corto agreed before grimacing as he tugged at the collar of his poncho. "But we aren't him! We're just… _us!"_

" _Sí, sí_ , we're us…" Largo grinned venomously as he jabbed a thumb to his side, indicating a crate stored in the corner of the room. "And in case your memory fails you, _we_ have in our possession the trump card our benefactor left us. A means through which our victory shall be confirmed. In light of this detail… do you still think we have _any_ chances of defeat?"

Corto looked aside, thinking furiously. A good amount of the crew's fear melted away in favor of confusion and amplified respect for their captain. There were some, however, who were still nervous.

"Ah, but of course…" Largo spoke up again, apparently noticing the hesitation. "I am not without mercy. Should anyone still harbor any doubts as to the chances of our victory, feel free to speak up, and I shall hear you out as I would any other."

A moment of silence, and then…

"Ah, w-well—!"

_**BANG!** _

A mariachi-themed pirate in the back of the room crumpled with a cry of pain as a ball of lead tore through his knee. Nobody saw this on account of the fact that all eyes in the room were glued to the pistol that Largo had drawn and fired near-instantly.

"Anyone _else?"_ he queried, his voice cool enough to give a polar bear frostbite.

Dead silence.

The man spun his gun back into its holster.

"Didn't think so."

**-o-**

Yoko's breath came in ragged gasps as she sprinted back into town. She had to warn them all… not just about the Straw Hats and their nefarious plans, but also the far more imminent threat of these new poncho guys.

It was disappointingly easy for her to locate the mayor, considering that he was in the village helping set up a party to celebrate the presence of the Straw Hats. Well, she'd see to it that _that_ didn't last. She quickly came up to the portly man, and spent a few moments catching her breath.

"Yoko?" Fabre asked in confusion. "What's wrong?"

What the girl _tried_ to say was something along the lines of, "I've got proof the Straw Hats are actually hostile, and there's another pirate crew that's trying to kidnap Boss!" What actually came out on account of her lack of breath was "Proof-Straw-host-pirate-kidnap- _Boss!"_

The town's mayor blinked in surprise before slowly heaving out a sigh as he brought a hand up to massage the bridge of his nose. "Yoko, I know you don't like them, but I thought the Straw Hats made it _very_ clear that they have no intentions on kidnapping—!"

"Not the Straw Hats, _someone else!"_ Yoko snapped, oxygen finally refueling her lungs. "The Straw Hats _are_ evil pirates, but there are _other_ pirates that just came to the island looking for Boss!"

Fabre's relaxed demeanor vanished in an instant. For a brief moment, he looked panicked, before covering it up by attacking his pipe. "Blast it all… they just had to show up when he began molting."

Any thoughts Yoko might've had of a continued rant fled once she processed that statement. "Wh-What? But that wasn't supposed to be for—!"

"Dooon't worry about it."

' _I… am getting very tired of all this mood whiplash,'_ was the incongruous thought Yoko had as _that voice_ brought her anger back to life at full cylinders. Spinning around, she glared bloody murder at Jeremiah Cross as he approached, weapons crossed on his back and a casual grin on his face.

"There's a pirate crew coming up, sure, and they look to be utter bastards, sure," the pirate continued, waving his hand dismissively. "But we'll handle them. Although…" He then gave Yoko a flat look. "I'm _guessing_ none of that is going to make you hate us any less, am I right?"

Yoko initially confirmed the accusation in a nonverbal manner by flushing furiously and sputtering. It took a moment for the actual words to come out. "You… You _bastard!_ Idiot! Murdering, bloodthirsty… _shiitake!"_ Admittedly, her true feelings were a bit garbled due to her not having even hit puberty yet, but at least she was _trying._

Cross blinked before slowly tilting his head in confusion. "I'm… a homicidal mushroom that's delicious with noodles?" he asked in honest, bemused confusion.

" **Never call someone a word** _ **you don't understand,**_ KID. _That's Insults 201,_ " Soundbite helpfully informed the Marine child.

"What, it's not 101?"

" _NUH-UH!"_ Soundbite shook his head with a shit-eating grin. "101 DEALS WITH _sentence structure, run-on sentences and the like._ **I COULD GET YOU A COURSE CATALOG IF YOU—?"**

"WILL YOU TWO BE FUCKING _SERIOUS_ FOR ONE SECOND!?" Yoko practically screamed, several veins bulging in cross patterns on her brow.

" _Language, young lady,"_ the pair deadpanned at her, before breaking down into uncontrolled snickers. "Nah, we're just fucking with you," Cross chuckled.

Fuming impotently, Yoko whirled around to glare up at Fabre. Her mood did not improve when she saw that he too was muffling chuckles. "Mayor Fabre," she grit out. "I have _evidence_ of the fact that the Straw Hats are no less the same scum than every other pirate alive! They are _not_ good people because _good pirates don't exist!"_

Fabre's good cheer evaporated at the announcement. "Yoko…"

" _And she decides to tell him this_ _ **in front of the very pirates she's denouncing?"**_ Soundbite stage whispered to his partner.

Cross could only shrug in response. "It's probably desperation. She's not thinking straight and all that, you know?"

" **Fair point. YOU'VE DONE SOME** _ **STUPID THINGS YOURSELF."**_

"I choose to take that as a compliment."

" _EVIDENCE!"_ Yoko furiously repeated in an effort to retrieve the attention she'd lost, jabbing her notepad at Fabre, who eyed the paper with no small amount of dread. "Evidence, _right here,_ that every last _one_ of these pirates is up to _absolutely no good!"_ She flipped the pad open to the first page. "My first piece of evidence, pertaining to their Captain, is that he was—!"

"Surveying the local geography for more efficient pillaging."

"Surveying the— _Wha?!"_ Yoko boggled at Cross in shock when he answered before she could.

"Don't worry, you're not _that_ predictable," the pirate assured her with an impish grin.

" _ **But you**_ **ARE** _**kinda careless!"**_ his snail snickered.

"Soundbite was listening in on you talking out loud while you were writing," Lassoo informed her. "Don't take offense, he does it to all of us."

"Th-This just proves my point!" Yoko jabbed a finger at the uniquely packed quartet. "They're not denying my point, they—!"

"Actually, I _am_ denying your point, based on a _supremely_ relevant fact that renders your suppositions null and void." Cross smirked as he folded his arms behind his head. "It's simple enough: Luffy doesn't know how to pronounce even _half_ the words you had written down on that page, much less their meanings."

The girl swore she pulled _something_ with how hard her eyelid twitched. "You're telling me," she grit out. "That your excuse is that your captain is too _stupid_ to be evil!?"

"It's a _good_ excuse!" Cross protested with almost honestly affronted indignation.

"Er… one that I can confirm," Fabre cut in, weathering the betrayed look she gave him. "Straw Hat Luffy has a good heart and a healthy appetite, but I wouldn't exactly call him… ah, well…"

"To reiterate: the excuse that Luffy's too stupid to do something is a _valid_ excuse," Cross said.

The eye-twitching intensified. "They. Are. _Pirates._ You can't believe _anything_ they say!" Yoko snapped.

"We're not here to cause trouble," Cross droned.

"YES, YOU ARE!"

" _We've never_ **killed** ANYONE," Soundbite added.

"LIKE I BELIEVE THAT!"

"Your name is Yoko," Funkfreed piped up.

"NO, IT'S NOT!" Yoko roared, before grimacing and slapping a hand to her face. " _Dang it."_

"Yoko, you really need to try listening a little more," Fabre pleaded.

"No, _you_ need to listen to _me!"_ Yoko protested, rapping her finger on her pad. "He might have an excuse for that instance of his captain's actions, but I have _dozens_ of pieces of evidence! He can't explain them all!"

"Oh, you would be surprised," Cross hummed pleasantly, his mouth never shifting from the smirk that had been there the whole conversation.

Sighing, Fabre gave his town's guest a long-suffering look. "I am _so sorry,"_ he apologized.

"Don't be, I'm having the time of my life!" Cross laughed, waving his hand in a gesture that was both dismissive and good-natured. "Trust me, I've heard worse, and once this is all over, it'll be good for a laugh."

"You won't be laughing once _I'm_ done with you!" Yoko swore, flipping to the next page in her pad. " _Second_ instance of nefarious wrongdoings!"

And so it went: Yoko ran down her list of dastardly deeds and nascent plans of varying levels of notoriety…

"The smelly blubber-butt faker that calls itself Boss has been denuding the island!"

"You're planning on poaching the Unusual Animals!"

"Your captain's eating all our food and that… that _skeleton_ is using his music to control people's minds!"

And every time, Cross and his compatriots had answer after answer to reply with, all delivered with varying but invariably elevated levels of teasing snark.

"It's called a training exercise. Maybe you've heard of them? If this boggles you, know that normal people split mere _bricks_ for training. It's just that Boss—Boss Dugong, I mean—has higher standards than most when it comes to his strength."

"Yeah, because we haven't seen _way_ more unusual animals during our journey. _Oh wait._ Hwee hwee hwee!"

" **TRUST ME,** _ **that's nothing new. Luffy tries to eat everything**_ _he can get his teeth on._ BUT, AH, WE _ARE_ GOOD FOR IT, **just to clarify**. _**AND AS FOR BROOK…**_ **huh, interesting trivia. He says he was helping that cook, Mitsuboshi, keep pace with** _Sanji. Apparently it's an old trick used by_ **SHIP'S MUSICIANS THE WORLD OVER!"**

Suffice to say that by the time Yoko had reached the bottom of her list, she had truly bypassed 'infuriated'… and was more than a little desperate, to boot.

"Mrgrggh…" Yoko grumbled furiously as she flipped to another page in her book. "T-T-Then what aboooout… ah, the sniper, the cyborg and the girl!?" The glare this time was challenging. "They're building—well, they _built_ a mansion for Miss Luigia! They're _obviously_ trying to wile their way into her will so that they can steal her fortune! What do you have to say to _that!?"_

_That_ actually got a change of expression out of Cross. He boggled at the girl for a moment before slowly exchanging wide-eyed looks with his snail. "I… am honestly stumped," he admitted in a blank tone. "Congratulations on accomplishing that. Seriously, I… am kind of at a loss for how to respond."

"That's where we differ…" Fabre groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Yoko, up until today, Luigia lived in a shack that had a mock-up of a mansion nailed to it. You acknowledge that, yes?"

"Uh… yeah, why?" Yoko nodded in confusion, pointedly ignoring Cross's outburst of "Wait, we've met _two_ loonies with the same delusion!?"

"Great. So tell me this!" Fabre swept his hands out in frustration. " _What_ fortune!?"

Yoko sucked in a breath to respond as she raised a finger… then bent her finger and let out a choked gurgle as that one week the old woman had eaten nothing but miso soup forced its way into her conscious mind. "Gugh…"

"Yoko," Fabre said kindly, kneeling before the girl and grasping her shoulders in his large hands. "I understand your pain; I knew your father well, and I miss him, too. And I will admit without reservation that most pirates are the same kind of monsters that took him from us. Even the Straw Hats admit it!"

"True that; we're an exception, not the norm, and we know it," Cross piped up, and his voice was no longer playful.

"But even so!" Fabre forged on. "You _cannot_ continue denying the truth! The truth that we have all accepted, that the _world itself_ has accepted!" The mayor pointed at the pirate. "The Straw Hats are not just good pirates, they're good _people._ Yoko, please, I am _begging you_ … enough is enough. Just in this one instance, for this one crew… please, see reason and acknowledge that these are the _last_ people in the world that we _need_ to be protected from! For your own sake, if _nothing_ else!"

A tense silence fell over the small gathering, everyone's breath held in tense anticipation of the girl's answer.

Finally, with tears welling in her eyes, Yoko gave a dry sniffle and began to shake. "Dad… Dad would never forgive me if I collaborated with criminals," she whispered as tears slowly dripped down her cheeks. "It… It goes a-against _everything_ the Marines stand for."

For a long moment, Cross just looked at her, apparently considering something, before glancing up at Fabre, expression questioning. Once the older man nodded hesitantly, he spoke.

"Yoko, you need to understand that when you heard my broadcast, you heard it out of context," Cross gently stated. "I wasn't talking about how the Marines are corrupt, I was talking about how there is corruption _in_ the Marines. Being a Marine doesn't automatically make someone good, even if it should… just like being a pirate doesn't automatically make someone bad, even if it should. Underneath the black and white, we're still _human."_ When he saw how Yoko was considering a response, but also that she looked thoughtful instead of hostile, he pre-empted the words. "Consider: Would your father want you to carry on with this vendetta, or would he want you to reconsider in the face of evidence?"

Okay, _now_ the attention was hostile. "You never knew my father," she spat with surprising venom. "So don't you _dare_ say you—!"

"No, I didn't know your father," Cross cut in. "But I _do_ know Marines like him, Marines who would sacrifice everything for the sake of the ones they swore to protect, for the sake of the spirit of their oaths, not just the word. And I know that all of them would tell you to _think,_ not blindly follow. That's all I want you to do: listen to what your eyes and ears are telling you, and draw your own conclusions."

Yoko's body shuddered as her gaze fell to the ground, indecision and hesitation literally wracking her body. Finally, she looked up at Cross, and he was gratified to see a glint of reason in her eyes, but he could only wince at the far more prominent haze of deep-seated pain that clouded her gaze. "Even _if_ what you say about the Marines is true," she whispered harshly, tears gleaming in her eyes. "I will _never_ trust a pirate."

A swift chomp on his cheek silenced an aggravated grumble, and instead Cross settled for a conciliatory waving of his hands. "Mah mah, that's fine," he chuckled tightly, barely masking the disappointment in his voice. "I'm pretty sure you'll be singing a different tune when we cast off to leave. Everyone does. But for now, you're entitled to whatever you want to think."

Yoko… didn't respond to that. Couldn't, really, and as a result an uncomfortable silence settled onto the small group.

Thankfully, Fabre was unburdened with any serious thoughts, and thus quickly clapped his hands to break the silence. "I!" he announced in an almost grandiose tone. "Have just realized that I am famished, and I'm almost completely certain that neither of you two have had much to eat all day, either. And if there is one thing that I've learned in my meager career as a politician, it's that talking about important matters on an empty stomach is an idea that's destined for disaster. What say we all go to the Mini-Baratie and treat ourselves to what little Luffy hasn't gorged himself upon, hm?"

Yoko twitched slightly at that, but wiped her eyes clear with a petulant grumble. "Food's always your answer to everything… 'ts why you're so… big."

Fabre let out a jolly chuckle as he patted the girl on the back and slowly led her towards the island's premiere restaurant. "Yes, I suppose that's true, isn't it? But if anything, I'd like to think that my girth is a testament to my success rate! And as such, I take _pride_ in it!"

"Eh, makes sense to me," Cross commented, his arms folded behind his head as he walked alongside the two. "I mean, I've been on over a dozen islands and I've _certainly_ seen and heard people take pride in weirder things."

" **Heheh,** _if that ain't the damn truth!"_ Soundbite chortled in agreement with his partner in prime. "SERIOUSLY, THIS ONE TIME— _ **!"**_

Yoko and Fabre both looked at the snail in confusion when it suddenly belted out a sharp violin-sting, which in turn drew a scowl from Cross. "Are you fucking—!?"

"USOPP, _**EXPLOSIVE ORDNANCE!**_ **INTERCEPT** _NOW!"_

"Say wha—?" Yoko started to question.

" _FIRE MAIN CANNON!"_

_**KABOOM!** _

"—GYAH!"

Before she swapped to a shriek of shock as the air suddenly ripped itself apart in a blast of air pressure and fire a few meters away.

Yoko's hearing cleared before her vision un-blurred, just in time to hear the current bane of her existence roaring in the air.

"Hey! You just stole my shtick, you metal asshat!" Cross roared towards the newly built mansion overlooking the village, which currently had a plume of smoke rising from it.

" _What the heck are you talking about, Cross?"_ the pirate's shipwright's voice asked in honest bewilderment.

"What am I talking about? You just stole number three on my list of things I want to say!" Cross fumed as he tapped his foot in irritation. "I had it all lined up for when we pulled out _that_ trick! It was going to be all badass and awesome and you just stole it!"

" _Are you really comparing_ that _to a standard turret!?"_ Franky asked, his tone now offended.

"Of course not, but what I'm _pissed_ about is you stealing the line! It's the principle of the matter, man, the principle! And you—"

"What's going on, Cross?"

"…We're not done with this," Cross growled at nothing before rolling with his captain's sudden presence. "A group of fakers are here to kidnap Boss the beetle. I gave their crew and first mate a chance to run, but apparently their captain is determined to carry out their mission or die trying."

Luffy frowned, tossing the bone he'd been picking his teeth with into the air and swallowing it in a single chomp. "Need any help?" he asked seriously.

Cross blinked at his captain in surprise before frowning in thought. After a moment, he nodded, slowly and hesitantly at first but picking up speed. "I… think I can take them."

"Then they're all yours."

The tactician shot his captain a thumbs up, and walked forward to put himself between the smoke cloud rising over the lower reaches of the island and the village. "Keep everyone back," Cross called over his shoulder to Fabre. "These idiots might fire full blast and the last thing anyone wants or needs is to get caught in the crossfire."

"Hey, wait, what do you think you're—!?" Yoko started to belt out—in indignance? Confusion? Not concern… right?—before she was cut off by a hand landing on her head.

"Just shut up!"

Yoko looked up in confusion, and could do nothing but blink dumbly as she stared right into Straw Hat Luffy's dumb, but somehow still _proud,_ smile.

"Shut up and watch!" Luffy chuckled before turning his beaming expression towards his third mate. "This is gonna be _so cool!"_

Yoko blinked, trying and failing to reconcile what she was seeing with what she knew, _knew_ to be _fact_ about pirates. All she could do was default to following Luffy's gaze, which fell on Cross glaring bloody murder at the swiftly clearing cloud.

When the cloud finally cleared, the girl swore she felt her blood freeze in her veins.

Over fifty pirates, all arrayed before the village, all dressed like mariachi, all packing sizable firearms that they had at the ready and were visibly ready to use. And then there were the two at the front of the horde; she recognized the heavyweight luchador, Corto, who had now unveiled a pair of large-bore _Gatling guns_ of all things he was dual-wielding without any apparent strain, and then there was _him._

She could only assume that the tallest pirate around was the Captain of these 'Amigo Pirates', but that man… _that man._ The look in the tall man's lazy eyes, his _coldness…_ for whatever reason, the man's _lack_ of a weapon made him all the more menacing.

And now, this man, this… this _monster_ had come to Yoko's island, set his sights on her village, set his sights on Boss—!

Yoko's breath hitched as the thought tore through her like a bolt of lightning. ' _Boss! Oh, no, he's still in his chrysalis, he's still evolving! They could find him, they could take him away! T-They'll take everything… I'll lose e-everything ag—!"_

"I thought I made myself damn clear to your first mate!"

Once again, Yoko was wrenched out of her spiraling thoughts by the voice of a pirate, and she returned to reality to the sight of Cross unwaveringly glaring down the horde.

"I told you all, _explicitly_ , to pack up and hit the horizon," Cross stated, his voice packed with steel. "You mind telling me just _why_ the hell you decided to do something so asinine as to attack the village we're _blatantly protecting!_?"

The tall man blinked slowly before staring down his nose at Cross. "Yes, I _do_ mind, _tu patético insecto."_

Cross's whole being _twitched,_ his jaw setting in a downright vicious smirk that was emphasized by a throbbing vein just below his right eye.

"Oh, this should be good," Fabre said with obvious relish, prompting Yoko to throw him a brief but incredulous glare.

Either ignorant or entirely dismissive of Cross's ire, the tall man turned his gaze just pass the most wanted of the Straw Hats and almost gave Yoko a heart attack when he looked at her… no, _above_ her.

"You," he spoke in a dry tone, staring at the pirate at Yoko's side. "You are the _capitan_ of the Straw Hat Pirates, 'Straw Hat' Luffy, _sí?"_

Luffy raised his hand in response, his expression blank. "Yo."

"Hmph," the other captain sniffed disdainfully, raising his admittedly impressive nose. "Let me be as clear as possible, so that even one as imbecilic as _you_ might understand: I am Largo, captain of the Amigo Pirates. My crew and I are here to retrieve the giant beetle we _know_ to be on this island. If you hand it over without trouble, then we will only _masacrar_ some of the people on this island, and leave your ship in a salvageable condition. Try to resist, however…"

Largo's smirk turned vicious as his stout brother raised his arms and spun his weapons' barrels menacingly. He himself hefted his guitar and strummed a few tunes, Yoko flinching at the discordant sound that the instrument produced.

"And we shall turn this place into an _isla de los muertos."_ Then he frowned, eyeing the guitar, and began tuning and testing it, though on the same discordant chords.

There was a tense pause as that murderous sentence hung in the air, broken only by the menacing vibrations of Largo's guitar as he tuned it. Then the person most capable of the job broke the silence.

"When I met your brother, I expected his captain to be just as stupid, if not worse," Cross growled out through a rictus smile. "But I damn well didn't expect you to be _suicidal."_

_That_ actually drew a reaction from Largo, though it was merely an annoyed snort and a roll of his eyes. " _Cállate, mestizo._ I'm talking to your _capitan._ I won't lower myself to address a _parásito_ like you."

The number of veins bulging on Cross outright _tripled._ "Arrogant piece of—!" he ground out through his increasingly tight scowl, but Largo ignored him in favor of Luffy.

"Oh, _definitely_ good," Fabre stated, now outright grinning. "Kinda wish I had some popcorn."

This time, Yoko found herself nodding along. ' _Yeah, if these two groups can break each other…'_

The Straw Hat captain, meanwhile, silently returned the flat look before bowing his head. "This island is Boss's precious home, that he cares about more than anything. You're not going to take him from it."

The spike of terror she felt as Largo's gaze hardened squashed Yoko's conflicted flare of agreement. "So you have decided to fight us, then? A pointless sacrifice…" He then smirked slightly as he bowed his head and plucked a string on his guitar. "But then, you Straw Hats _are_ reputed to be a band of noble fools."

"Nope." Luffy shook his head in denial.

Largo glanced up in honest surprise. " _¿Perdón?"_

The Straw Hat tilted his head slightly, looking at the tall mariachi in a matter-of-fact manner. "I'm not gonna fight you."

The reaction was instantaneous, everyone in the vicinity staring at Luffy in shock and confusion.

"What!?" Yoko and Fabre belted out.

" _¿Qué?"_ Largo queried incredulously, his composure broken. " _Completas idiota,_ did you or did you not just tell me you would not let us take the beetle? Do you think we'll just leave you alone because… what, you _asked_ nicely?"

Luffy's response was a half-lidded deadpan. "Geez… everyone calls me an idiot, but you're the one who isn't listening to what I'm saying." The Rubber-Man pointed at himself. "I said that _I'm_ not gonna fight you, 'cause I'm not." He then pointed forward. "Cross is."

There would have been dead silence, if not for the sour note Largo suddenly struck. " _What,"_ he spat.

"Well, duh," Luffy shrugged as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Cross told you guys to get lost or else and you didn't listen to him. So now Cross is gonna kick your asses."

Largo glanced at Cross, giving him a onceover before returning his flat look to Luffy "…you realize that we are going to rip him into a _millón_ pieces, _sí?"_

"Nope." That flat response actually caused an outbreak of raised veins on the other captain's forehead. "'Cause Cross is stronger than all of you and he's gonna kick your asses." Luffy turned a massive grin on his third mate. "Right, Cross?"

Cross's look of cold fury faded as he returned his captain's grin and slammed his fist into his palm. "They won't know what hit 'em, captain!" He then turned back towards the Amigos and cracked his neck, his smirk taking on a near-manic tone. "You heard the man!"

At this point, Fabre, no longer looking eager, leaned in close to Luffy. "Uh, are you sure Cross can take them?" he whispered nervously. "I mean, no offense to Cross, but isn't he…?"

The look Luffy shot him should not have made the mayor feel stupid. There ought to have been a law of the universe against it. "Of course?" he said, sounding confused that it was even a question. "He's my crewmate. No way he'll lose."

Yoko glanced between the two in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

Fabre gave the girl an uncertain glance. "Well… you see, Yoko, while Cross might have the highest bounty of the Straw Hats, that's only for the verbal threat he presents. In terms of combat, he's admitted himself he's one of their _weakest._ Him alone against that many pirates…?" The mayor gnawed on his thumb in worry. "I… actually don't know if he'll be alright."

"Man, you guys really _are_ idiots…" Luffy sighed with a tinge of annoyance. "I just told you, didn't I? He'll be _fine._ They won't beat him." He grinned with honest eagerness. "Just shut up and watch! This is gonna be _awesome!"_

Upon hearing those words, Yoko could do naught but clamp her mouth shut and stare at the slowly brewing fight. For all that she was outwardly quiet, however, her mind was in chaos as she tried to resolve the tripartite conflict raging in her head.

" _Oh no!"_ wailed a Yoko, dressed in a full Marine uniform that actually fit her small frame. " _He's gonna get massacred! And then there's gonna be no one between these assholes and our town! No way we can count on the rest of the Straw Hats fighting them, not with their captain like this!"_

" _Yessssss…"_ another Marine-Yoko cackled, rubbing her hands gleefully as the bloodstains on her uniform gleamed radiant crimson. " _He's gonna get massacred! And he's a Straw Hat! He's going to take so many of those filthy pirates down with him!"_

The last Yoko just stood there, silently gaping at the conflict still paused outside of her head. This Yoko was essentially identical to the one standing in the real world, save that she had no coat, no burden. This Yoko wasn't a Marine… just a normal girl. " _He's going to be killed,"_ she whispered. " _I… I don't want him to be killed…"_

" _Traitors!"_ Justice!Yoko howled right as Marine!Yoko fired off a " _MORONS!"_ of her own. The two immediately locked gazes, and then jumped each other, biting, scratching, and pulling at hair. The third Yoko merely continued to stare.

Out in the real world, Yoko whimpered, "I am… conflicted…"

Meanwhile, Largo proudly jutted his chin out as he looked down on his opposition. "I expected more from the infamous Straw Hat Pirates," the captain sighed lazily, sparing Cross only the barest of glances. "I come ashore expecting the fight of my life, and I find that the only one who's even going to put up a fight is some spineless smartass of a _pendejo_ who only got his bounty for _talking."_

The Amigo's captain swept his arm out to indicate his men, his face never losing its condescending expression. "You _do_ realize that we are not playing around, _sí?_ These aren't your usual fun and games, _hombre._ You Straw Hats, you might play at being _piratas…_ But we are the _artículo genuino_. We are actually going to kill you, in cold blood."

Cross couldn't help but scoff derisively at that. "Men both better and worse than you in every way have been trying and failing to do just that for almost a year. And with more men, too. But hey, if you insist…" With that, he tucked one arm behind his back and raised the other with his palm up, tweaking his fingers towards himself. "Come test your luck."

Largo snorted, raising his hand and snapping his fingers. "Men. Kill this _gusano._ "

As one, the Amigo pirates roared and charged the lone man and his weapons, rattling their sabers and muskets like noisemakers. Cross, for his part, just stood there, even when the musket-wielding mariachis brought their weapons down and fired from the hip.

After all, not only was firing from the hip a decidedly inaccurate endeavor, but Cross only needed a second to draw his sword from his side, and Funkfreed only needed _half_ a second to shift into his hybrid form and encircle his wielder, deflecting the few on-the-mark slugs.

"Pachy-Shield!" Cross called out as Funkfreed unwound and hovered at his side, grinning proudly. "Neat, no?"

"Coward!" one of the pirates shouted. "Put down your Devil Fruit weapons and face us like a man!"

For a moment, there was silence. And then… and then Funkfreed returned to his natural form and Cross smiled the smile that toppled governments. "Sure," he said, before planting Funkfreed blade-first into the ground and tossing Lassoo, who was in his gun-form, at one of the Amigos charging him. Said Amigo reflexively caught the cannon—and was promptly thrown backwards and into his comrades by the gun's weight.

That brought the pirates up short, their charge screeching to a halt as they all stared at their groaning comrades pinned under the gun-dog.

"Hey! _Idiotas!"_ Corto barked. "The hell are you doing, he's _right there!"_

Their first mate's shout brought them out of their paralysis and _almost_ got them charging Cross again, except that the blonde caused them all to freeze again by strolling up to one of the Amigos—one who outweighed him two-to-one—and grabbing him by the throat.

"See, a funny thing happened while I've been wielding Lassoo. You know, my dog-cannon?" Cross stated conversationally, even as the Amigo he was holding by the throat gurgled and scrabbled ineffectually at Cross' armored fingers. And that scrabbling only intensified as he was slowly lifted off his feet by Cross's single, apparently scrawny arm. "As you'll all recall, he's a living weapon. This is important because as it would so happen, as time has passed on our journey, he's gotten _heavier_. I'd say he's even heavier now than he was when he was serving Baroque Works, let alone after we lightened him."

The gun-dog in question promptly snapped into his hybrid form, teeth gnashing. "YOU _ARE_ CALLING ME FAT!" he bellowed indignantly, all while ignoring the pirate he was _still_ crushing with his mass.

" _DO WE REALLY_ GOTTA DO THIS **NOW?!"** Soundbite snapped, as much amused as he was annoyed.

" _The point being_ , I've been wielding two tons of gun-dog exactly like I wielded a half-ton. Or, in layman's terms… I might not have realized it until now, but over time? I've. Gotten. _Stronger._ " Cross' grin turned positively _feral_ at the sudden looks of fear that produced. "So, yeah. I'm not what my crew would call 'Monster Trio' material, by any means, but I'm strong enough to swing around a _literal_ two-ton cannon like it's nothing. And that means… I'm more than strong enough to take care of you mooks." He cracked his neck side to side. " _Sucks_ for you, don't it?"

" _Will someone just kill him already!"_ Corto belted out in a tone that was a decibel short of a scream.

That was the cue for the Amigos to shake their paralysis and charge the Straw Hat. Considering they surrounded him on three sides, the conclusion should've been a no-brainer.

Unfortunately, they failed to consider that Lassoo and Funkfreed were their own thinking beings. Hence, nobody saw it coming when Funkfreed joined his fellow weapon in adopting his hybrid form and the pair _plowed_ into the rear of the crowd, sending Amigos aflight and the front crowd around Cross looking over their shoulders instead of at their opponent.

The smiling man in question eagerly took advantage of that fact by throwing the poor bastard still held in his hand hard enough to bowl over a good third of the crowd he hit, the front line collapsing in an unconscious heap and the rear struggling to rise. Almost immediately after, Cross whirled around and planted his fist square in the nose of the Amigo behind him, cartilage crumpling under the metal and the pirate also flying into and bowling over his comrades. That left just one cluster of Amigos left both standing and un-distracted by rampaging Zoan weapons.

To their credit, they immediately tried to close to melee range. Key word being "tried", because Cross immediately counter-charged them. The first Amigo took an armored elbow to the noggin and dropped like he was made of wet cardboard. The next took an uppercut to the gut. The third took Cross's shin between his legs _._

And so it went, until that group of Amigos was no more than a carpet of groaning carcasses. Cross took the moment of calm to catch his breath, which was coming in ragged gasps.

" **DOOOOOODGE!** _Blade, top-down._ "

Spinning, Cross brought his arm up in time to catch a sword on his gauntlet, and followed it with the toe of his armored boot meeting his opponent's chin. That also gave him a good look at Funkfreed and Lassoo chasing the remaining Amigos still on his feet right at him. The ones in front had looks of hope, as if they thought that Cross would be easier to beat than the elephant and dog at their heels.

Morons.

The Straw Hat merely grinned wider and raised his fists, before pausing and looking down.

"You know what?" he mused as he crouched down and grabbed one of the unconscious Amigos by his ankle. "I'm going to try something. Something I never thought I'd get to do but that I've _always_ wanted to." And with that, he hefted the unconscious Amigo and charged again.

Unfortunately, limp bodies, as it turned out, didn't make very good bludgeoning weapons. After the third Amigo took three hits and several steps back to put down (not to mention nearly got Cross brained three times by flailing limbs), Cross mentally shrugged and tossed a body at his opponents for the second time that day. Much like the first time, it succeeded in knocking over the front lines, at which point the people running up behind them tripped over their downed comrades and wound up piling into a spectacular traffic jam.

And that wasn't the worst of it. Cross winced in sympathy as Lassoo and Funkfreed eagerly joined in on the scrum. "Okay, _now_ I feel a little sorry for them," he said.

He then turned to eye the Amigo's Captain and First Mate, both of whom were watching the scene with poorly disguised disgust and fear, respectively. "Though whether that's because they're all pathetic or because they have exceedingly poor leadership, that remains up for debate."

"You're going to pay for that, _gringo."_

Both partners glanced at the tall captain indifferently, who, judging from the deathly calm expression on his face and the way he was strangling his guitar's neck, had bypassed the "steaming rage" stage entirely.

"Is he talking about his bad leadership, or me beating up all his men?" Cross muttered.

" _Does it_ **matter?"** Soundbite shot back. " _LET'S JUST KICK THIS INTO_ _ **high gear."**_ His eyestalks shifted back up to Corto, and the snail ostentatiously cleared his throat. "YOU DIPSHITS CALL THAT AN INSULT!? _THIS_ **is an insult!** _ **¡Tu padre era un chupacabra y tu madre era su merienda de medianoche!"**_

Lassoo promptly collapsed into a fit of giggles, crushing the last few conscious Amigos. " _HWEEHWEEHWEEHWEEHWEE!"_

"NOBODY SAYS THAT ABOUT MY MOTHER!" the large first mate bellowed, and before Largo could say anything to stop him, the luchador charged the tactician.

Cross immediately sobered up and blew out a sharp whistle. In response, Funkfreed and Lassoo abandoned their mauling and leapt at their partner, shifting into their weapon forms mid-flight so that Cross could catch them and brandish them against his opponent.

If Soundbite's intent in insulting Corto was to make the first mate forgo his Gatling guns in a blind rage, it worked perfectly. Instead, the man first tried to bash Cross' skull in with one of the guns, and when the Straw Hat fluidly leaned away from the blow, Corto tossed one of them aside, massive swinging cannon strikes mixed in with surprisingly fluid jabs.

This worked only somewhat better, because while Corto had power in spades, rage had badly deteriorated his form, and he was nowhere near as nimble as Cross to begin with. The Straw Hat made sure to stay in the gun's arcs rather than face the jabs, and after the first two gun swings sailed wide, Cross slipped under one of his opponent's thick arms and spun Lassoo's butt into Corto's side.

Insulating fat and a thick, padded shirt under the poncho mitigated the impact, but it was more Cross' one-handed grip on the dog-gun and a lack of proper momentum that kept Corto from outright having the wind knocked out of him. As it was, the blow 'merely' rattled his whole body. Teeth grinding, Corto wrapped his right arm around Lassoo and brought the gun in his left hand down on Cross' skull. Funkfreed promptly met it on the flat, the elephant-sword hastily flipped into a reverse grip.

Stalemate.

Well, for two seconds before Cross introduced his knee to Corto's gut. This time, the padding wasn't enough; there was too much force concentrated on a small point right above the man's diaphragm. Corto's breath whooshed out of him, and he slumped over, arms slackening. Miracle of miracles, he stayed standing. He was just getting his breath back when he felt a cannon muzzle ram into his back.

"Lemme introduce you to the latest tool in my mutt's arsenal. Cani-Blank!" he heard Cross intone. There was a click of a trigger—!

And nothing happened.

Nobody spoke. Nobody _moved_. The only sound was a gull flying overhead, cawing for food. Only when the gull was gone did anyone move, and Cross pulling his index finger against the trigger again only _barely_ qualified as 'movement'.

Once again, there was a click, but nothing came out of the big gun's muzzle. Cross, his face utterly devoid of emotion, simply clicked again. And then again.

By now, Corto had his breath back, and he clenched his fists. ' _I've got you now.'_ He tensed, and all of a sudden he spun around, shoving his now-spinning gun's barrel into his opponent's face—!

"Time out!"

And could only _freeze_ in dumbfounded shock. Said opponent had his hands in a T-shape and an expression of total seriousness. Then, while Corto was still frozen, he turned and held out his dog-gun, and all of a sudden Usopp was at his side, with Merry hanging on his back.

In less than a second, the pair had a panel open in the cannon's side and were fussing over the mechanical innards, arguing and fiddling about in hushed tones and tossing out more than a few rude gestures, before finally the ship-girl just slammed the panel shut and gave the cannon a harsh rap. Somehow, _that,_ of all things, served to satisfy the pair, and Usopp gave Cross a thumbs-up before zipping away again.

Cross nodded in satisfaction, then smiled at Corto in a manner _most_ unkind. "Time-in!" he chirped, before jerking forward, jamming Lassoo's muzzle into Corto's gut and pulling the trigger.

_FWOOM!_

" _GUH!"_ Corto let out a _whoof_ of pain he was blasted off his feet, and could only groan in pain once his back slammed into the ground. He blinked blearily at the sky. "What the hell just hit me…?"

"Apparently, a cannon shell of air."

Corto choked on his tongue as the last face he wanted to see at the moment loomed over him. "A-Ah, is that—?"

"Why the hell did you give him time do whatever he wanted, _idiota?"_ Largo questioned in a tone that was harsh and flat at the same time.

"A-Ahhh…" Corto's mind flatlined as he tried to come up with a response, and the only thing he could respond with was, "…Straw Hat bullshit?"

"…hurry up and kill this _cabrón_ and _maybe_ I'll let you get away with that pathetic excuse."

Hastily nodding, Corto noted that he'd landed next to his other Gatling gun. It was a mistake he would gleefully take advantage of.

"Alright, _pendejo_ ," he declared as he picked up himself and his other gun. "Now we—"

"CANI-BLAST!"

"Yow!" Corto yelped as he dove away from the pillar of flame that nearly cooked him. And not medium rare, either. Turning that tumble into a roll, he sprang up and pulled the triggers on his guns. After a brief few milliseconds to warm up, bullets flew out of ten barrels of death.

Ten barrels of death that did absolutely nothing against Funkfreed's Pachy-Shield. Nor the cannon muzzle that poked out of the snake-like folds.

But this time Corto was fighting smart, and he'd already been moving even as he'd opened fire. Flames and blast and the tremendous recoil of his weapons buffeted him, but he continued to stay one step ahead of the explosive shells that lashed out. Unfortunately for the luchador, however, he couldn't keep firing forever on account of the sudden searing against his knuckles.

The luchador snapped his barrage off with a hissed " _¡Mierda!"_ There was only one thing to do: stop firing and let his gun's glowing barrels cool before they set off the ammo or _melted_. And that had been exactly what Cross was waiting for.

All of a sudden, Funkfreed's serpentine coils vanished, and Cross had drawn back his arm, the elephant-sword's tip pointed _right at him._

"Pachy-Charge!" the Straw Hat declared, and Corto almost wet himself at the sight of a dozen tons of bladed _elephant_ shooting at him at breakneck speeds.

Still, no one could say the man lacked courage. The luchador held his ground as the massive blade shot towards, and then, at the last possible second, he slid out of the way.

' _Now's my chance!'_

This was, indeed, Corto's chance. His _only_ chance. The Pachy-Charge pulled back as fast as it shot out, and while Corto didn't know how long that was, he was gambling that it'd be enough to get close before his opponent could reform the Pachy-Shield. So he ran. He ran like he'd never run before. Faster even than when his grandmother had made her famous tamales for the neighborhood kids and he had to run there before she ran out. And…

He made it. Cross had just pulled Funkfreed back into sword form when Corto skidded to a halt in front of the Straw Hat, guns aimed. The luchador had to frantically bat away an explosive baseball, but one of the guns was still aimed. It would have to be enough. Corto pulled the trigger, the guns spun up—!

And then, with a loud, ominous grinding sound, came to a halt, and _stayed_ halted no matter how many times he pulled the trigger. Which was _many_ times. Glaring at his own gun, Corto demanded, "Are you _fucking_ with me?!"

" _Somebody_ is!"

Before Corto could react, hands grabbed the collar of his poncho, and then his head was pulled in for a meeting with Cross' skull. Oooor at least, a meeting with the iron plate in Cross's hat.

_THWACK!_

Everyone watching, even Largo, winced as the two fighters staggered back. Corto was clutching his nose, blood flowing freely between his fingers. Cross looked mildly dazed, but otherwise was in far better shape.

"I have several questions," Yoko stated flatly during this short lull. "Where's the fat bastard getting all that ammo?! And how did his gun just… _jam_ like that?! People aren't that lucky!"

"I'm not really an expert on combat…" Fabre demurred.

"I dunno," Luffy shrugged.

" _Estoy rodeado de idiotas,"_ Largo growled, grinding his palm into his forehead before raising his voice. "Corto, if that _bastardo_ isn't dead in the next minute, _Lo juro por Dios—!"_

" _Quítate de encima, hijo de un—!"_ Corto growled under his breath, shaking his head to clear away the latent dizziness. Once that was done, he pinned Cross with a furious glare. "Alright you _pequeño bastardo,_ let's—!"

"Hey, I know how to end this!"

He was cut off by Cross suddenly laughing in amusement, and he and everyone present watched, puzzled, as Cross suddenly tossed his weapon-partners away and took off his jacket, waving it off to his side. That puzzlement lasted as long as it took for Cross to open his mouth.

" _Toro, to—!_ Oh, no, wait, my apologies!" Cross slapped a hand to his face with _almost_ honest regret before resuming the motion, his grin positively shit-eating. "Allow me to be more appropriate: _fatso, fatso!"_

Corto straight-up saw _red._ "THIS IS ALL MUSCLE, YOU BASTARD!" he howled, stomping his foot for emphasis.

Cross lowered his head, letting the shadow of his cap emphasize the smirk he was wearing. " _Prove it,_ meathead."

And that was all he could take. Pawing at the ground and snorting like the bull he wasn't _supposed_ to be, Corto charged straight at Cross, bellowing in inarticulate rage. Cross, for his part, neatly sidestepped the charging luchador, jacket flapping as Corto passed through it.

" _Olé!"_ Cross proclaimed, the pronouncement ratcheting Corto's fury up another notch.

Seeing as the first charge hadn't worked, the natural response was to wheel around and charge again. Equally natural was Cross sidestepping Corto again.

" _Olé!"_ And that was _another_ roar.

And, of course, that simply meant Corto began gearing up for a _third_ charge.

Largo was just about to tell his absolute _imbecile_ of a brother to take this seriously when he noticed that Cross wasn't tensing up to dodge again. Fabre and Yoko missed this, but Luffy also spotted the change, and his grin widened even more as he leaned forward.

Corto, of course, was way too far gone to notice anything of the sort. All he noticed was that that damn _thing_ wasn't moving. Good. Now he could trample it underfoot and finally _end_ its bleating—

Was that a snail in front of his face?

_SPLAT!_

The luchador stumbled in shock when the ball of slime slammed into the middle of his face, and before he could truly set about wiping it off?

" **OLÉ,** _ **BIOTCH!"**_

And Corto's whole world became _pain._

"The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round…" he gurgled through a mouthful of bloody foam, all his brain was capable of as it tried to cope with a fair amount of his skeleton fracturing at once.

The issue was only compounded when, after retrieving Soundbite from his face, Cross planted his boot on Corto's chest with a cry of victory, shaking his clasped hands in the air in a self-congratulatory manner. "And the crowd! Goes! _Wild!_ Raaah, raaah!"

" _And that's another_ stunning victory _for Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite of the Straw Hat Pirates!"_ Soundbite proclaimed in a grandiose tone. " **Tell me son,** _ **anything you wanna say to your**_ **ADORING MASSES?"**

"Well for starters I'd like to thank the Academy, as well as offer them my most sincere apologies. I _did not_ mean to ram that antique car into the side of the building, I was aiming for the Dairy Queen next door! Furthermore—!"

_Thnk._

" _Ghgrk…"_ Cross trailed off into a gurgle, his eye twitching frantically. "S-Son… of a…"

" _ **CROSS!"**_ Soundbite yelped.

Luffy perked his head up in concern. "Cross, are you alright?"

"Uh… aheh… that's, uh… that's up for debate…" Cross grimaced weakly as he stumbled back from Corto, actively working to keep his feet under himself. "How, uh… how bad does _this_ look to you guys?"

And with that he turned around. Perfect way to show off the _dagger_ lodged in his back.

" _Ooooh,_ yeah, that'll hurt," Luffy winced sympathetically.

"Son of a—!" Fabre gasped.

And Yoko… Yoko shocked _herself_ when she jerked forwards and screamed out a panicked " _CROSS!"_

"What, not 'pirate bastard!'?" Cross chuckled. "Hear that, Soundbite? We're making progress!"

" _You realize that you're_ **a special kind of TWISTED,** _ **right!?"**_ Soundbite frantically demanded.

"Hmph."

Soundbite winced at the sound of a derisive snort before turning his eyestalks to glare bloody murder over his friend's shoulder. "AND THEN THERE'S YOU, _WHO REDEFINES THE FUCKING WORD!"_

" _Cállate, bichos,"_ Largo stated indifferently, another dagger twirling in his fingers. "In the end, your owner's loud mouth was truly the only formidable weapon he had. One knife thrown into his back and it's already over; I think I'll enjoy living like a king once I turn his head in for a bounty. But for now…" He leered viciously at the onlooking civilians. "I'll settle for taking that damn _beetle."_

And with that, the Amigo's captain stepped forward, intent on claiming his prize.

"Pfff… are you… kidding me…"

And _froze_ when Cross suddenly started to chuckle. The tall man shot a glare at the world-infamous loudmouth. "You're _still_ not done?!"

Cross ignored him in favor of continuing to laugh, chuckle escalating to full-on cackle. More, his footing had stabilized. "Pfff… PffhahaHAHAHA! Are you… _kidding me?"_ The Straw Hat smiled malevolently at the enemy captain. "You absolute _idiot._ Buddy, I _ate_ several million volts of _lightning_ because I wouldn't stop verbally defending my _personal beliefs!"_

Cross then spread his arms wide. "So when I'm standing here… defending a village of innocent civilians, kind and generous people who welcomed us with open arms, from raging _bastards like you and your brother,_ what the hell…" There was a furious scowl on Cross' face as he reached over his shoulder and grasped the handle of the dagger in his back. " _MAKES YOU THINK THAT A LITTLE PIECE OF METAL IS GONNA MAKE ME EVEN_ FLINCH!?" And with the final word, Cross tore the dagger from his back with a somewhat impressive spray of blood and tossed it away. He then pinned Largo with a furious glare. "What else you got?"

" _Cabron!"_ Largo cussed, scowling at Cross in open outrage.

" _YOU'RE NO RAY OF SUNSHINE EITHER,_ **JACKASS!"** Soundbite snarled.

"And a _liiiitle_ bit overenthusiastic to boot," Lassoo scoffed, rubbing one of his toes under his nose.

"Yeah, one _tiny_ dagger?" Funkfreed chimed in. "If it were something _me-sized,_ I'd be worried… but it wasn't, so I'm not."

"Shishishi! Kick his ass, Cross!" Luffy cheered from the sidelines.

"Forget kicking his ass!" Fabre roared, jabbing his pipe at the pirate. "Shove your boot so far up there that he's choking on the leather!"

Yoko only hesitated a bare second before Girl!Yoko slammed Marine and Justice's skulls together and joined in. "Get these pirates offa our island!" she shouted, shooting her fists in the air.

Sighing at the enthusiastic cheers, Largo stepped over to the prone form of his brother and leaned over him, his back obscuring whatever it was he was doing. To the shock of the onlookers, Corto shot up with a nasal yelp, a hand clamped over his neck.

"What the _hell—?"_ Cross breathed in shock while Corto began cursing up a storm.

" _Mierda, eso duele como un—_ GAH!"

Said cursing quickly devolved into a strangled yelp when he noticed his brother glaring down at him.

"That," Largo scowled. "Was _patético._ And I'm already going to kick your ass once we're done here. Help me kill these shits and _maybe_ you'll be able to walk again in a week, rather than a _month."_

" _Sí, señor…"_ Corto wheezed, shakily pushing himself to his feet. And in a further surprise to the onlookers, in little to no time at all he managed to steady his footing. Still, the luchador looked to be in bad shape.

Cross, meanwhile, hastily shook off his surprise in favor of re-brandishing his partners and shifting back into a combat stance, heedless of the blood dripping down his back. For a second, no one moved. And then Corto silently charged Cross, Gatling guns brandished but not firing.

"Really?" Cross sighed. "I'd cite the definition of insanity, but…" Ducking under a wild swing, Cross planted Funkfreed and used the sword as a platform to swing around and plant his foot in Corto's gut. Apparently, though, the luchador was expecting that, because he didn't get the wind knocked out of him, and instead aimed one of his guns at Cross.

"Shit!" Cross bit out. He tried to counter whatever was coming, he really did, but his earlier kicked left him half-sprawled on the ground with one hand occupied using Funkfreed to hold himself up. The best he could do was put Lassoo in between himself and some of the gun barrels.

But what came out of one of the barrels was not a bullet.

_KA-BOOM!_

Instead, it was some sort of explosive, flame and smoke engulfing the combatants.

"Cross!" Yoko and Fabre shouted. Luffy said nothing, but his fingers dug into the skin of his arms.

Then Corto staggered out, scorched and covered in soot, and Cross tumbled out the other way, coughing and burnt himself, but more stunned than injured. The audience breathed sighs of relief. Relief that was short-lived as Largo suddenly began ostentatiously clearing his throat. To the disgust of the onlookers, Largo then spat out a glob of saliva and mucus… that suddenly bloomed into a wide net that lofted up to envelop Cross.

"Devil Fruit!" Fabre hissed.

Cross, thankfully, saw it coming, giving him a chance to—stand up and punch the net? The confusion only intensified when the net suddenly… unraveled, for lack of a better word, into a glob of snot that landed on his coat and covered his gauntlet.

"That," Cross blandly stated as he waved the mucus off. "Is disgusting,"

" _¡¿Qué diablos?!"_ Largo spat, his face set in a murderous scowl. "How the _hell_ did you do that!?"

The tactician adopted a smirk as he held his fist up and flipped his middle finger at Largo, flashing his armor's off-color knuckles in the process. "We've run into Devil Fruit users on pretty much literally _every_ island we've hit since we entered the Grand Line! Did you really think we wouldn't wise up and grab some sea prism stone!?"

"Very well," Largo growled. "Then we'll just have to make sure you can't use it! Corto!"

"On it, _hermano!"_ Corto replied, firing another explosive shell at Cross. This was met by one of Lassoo's own explosives, resulting in another, larger blast.

The two settled into a brief exchange of artillery, one that Corto came off the worse for. Lassoo simply had a greater rate of fire with his baseballs than Corto's banged-up Gatlings, and the luchador was soon driven back lest he get blown up again.

Worse, the exchange didn't distract Cross as much as he'd hoped; while Lassoo managed his own aiming, for the most part, Cross kept Largo in his peripheral vision, and so when the captain upended a can of oil in his mouth and tossed a match in, the Straw Hat was ready. A net made of fire flashed out… and splashed harmlessly against Funkfreed's ballistic steel hide.

" **Y'all realize you're just using** _a knock-off of the Munch-Munch Fruit,_ **RIGHT?!"** Soundbite chortled tauntingly.

"And you realize that you can't keep this up forever, _así?"_ Largo shot back. "Sooner or later—!"

"I'll have to go on the offensive or lose stamina and slip up and die, yes, yes," Cross dismissively replied. "You want offense?" He grinned malevolently as he held both his cannon and blade at the ready, Lassoo baring his fangs and Funkfreed rearing up to his full height. " _Here's_ some offense: Pachy-Cani Combo: Superhot Hell Riot!"

Fire and water blasted out of Lassoo's maw and Funkfreed's trunk respectively, meeting at a somewhat equidistant point between the three combatants. Upon contact, the water reacted as it usually did when sprayed on fire that hot: it immediately vaporized in a massive, spreading cloud of steam.

A cloud of steam that Cross ran headlong into.

" _Come and get me!"_ his disembodied voice jeered. Said jeer was followed up by a barrage of explosives and a ballistic elephant-blade that withdrew as swiftly as it shot out. " _Or I'll just take you down from here!"_

Grinding his teeth, Largo shouted into the mist, "Find him, _hermano_! I don't care how, but find him!"

"Already on it!"

'Already on it', in this case, meant that Corto had run into the haze with absolute recklessness and was blindly swinging his Gatlings through the mist. Not a smart way to search, but in fairness to the man whatever Largo had done to him couldn't completely erase the concussion he'd sustained, and did absolutely nothing for the 200% strength rage coursing through his veins.

After a few exhausting minutes, Corto slumped over, panting, and felt someone tall and skinny press against his back.

"Ah, _hermano_ , good," he panted. "Just you wait, I'll find him, and when I do—!"

"Well, in that case, congrats! You found me!"

Nearly shrieking in surprise, Corto jumped up and spun around, Gatling swinging around with him. It struck, right in Cross' palm, and when he tried to move the weapon he found he couldn't. "You little—!"

"Hold that thought," Cross's voice leered before he cleared his throat and started speaking again… in _Corto's_ voice. "Hermano, _I found him! Get him!"_

Corto paled in realization, but before he could react a grid of dark lines became visible through the mist—

_SNKT!_ "AAAAAARGH!"

And the luchador _howled_ in agony as a net of piano-wire sliced into his body.

"What the—!?" Largo's voice called out in confusion.

" _IDIOTA!"_ Corto roared, his pain fuelling his indignant rage to unparalleled heights. "YOU HAVE THE GALL TO CALL _ME_ AN _IMBÉCIL!?_ WHO'S THE _RETARDAR_ THAT USED HIS EARS AGAINST THE FUCKING 'GOD OF NOISE', EH!?"

" **But wait,** _there's more!"_

Corto spun towards the source of the voice, intent on inflicting _pain,_ and then he paled as he realized that all that was visible through the fog was Cross's arm and two glowing dots where his eyes would be.

"Ay caramba…" the luchador whimpered, right before Cross brought Lassoo down on his head with as much force and momentum as he could muster.

_CRUNCH!_

And that was all the luchador could take, collapsing back into the sweet embrace of oblivion.

"And then there was _one,"_ Cross's voice wafted out of the murk, practically _looming_ over Largo.

Largo immediately spat out another net, this one green and studded with both sharp thorns and red flowers. Unfortunately, another combined gout of water and fire lashed out, incinerating the net and enveloping more real estate in obscuring steam. By now, Largo's confidence and anger alike had vanished, his head on a swivel as he tried to catch a glimpse of something, _anything._

" _Do you even realize how screwed you are?"_

Largo lashed his arm out at the voice that sneered behind him, but all that accomplished was to disturb some of the steam.

" _I see right through you, Captain Largo of the Amigo Pirates. Corto's not used to having to fight someone who can fight back, but you?"_ _That voice_ chuckled disdainfully. " _Oh, you're not used to fighting_ at all."

The tall captain muttered out curse after curse as he tore his gun out of its holster and fired one, two, three blind shots into the mist—

_CLANG!_

—before crying out in pain and shock when the gun was suddenly smacked out of his hand.

" _You're not a bully, you're an armchair commander. A_ commissar. _You sit back and relax while everyone does your bidding for you, and if ever things get out of hand, then you just stand up, flash your powers and smack down whoever's in your way, and all goes right back to normal. Well guess what,_ hombre?"

Desperation ruling his mind, no matter how much he tried to deny it, Largo lashed out a reckless punch. He then hissed in pain and panic when his fist was suddenly crushed in a grip of metal and he _felt_ a significant portion of his stamina just _vanish._

Cross loomed out of the swiftly fading mist, glaring viciously at the bandito. "Today," he announced. "The only one getting smacked is _you._ And you're not gonna get back up from it either."

Largo tried to wrench his fist free, but it was an exercise in futility. Still, he found the courage somewhere to sneer in Cross's face. "You think a rinky-dink punch from _you_ will do anything to me? I train with _Corto!_ I might be thin, but I've got a body of steel!"

"Good for you," Cross snarked, before grinning as he reeled his right arm back, his fingers splayed and palm on display. "But how do you think you'll handle the force of a punch from Corto…" Cross's grin became downright sadistic. "Combined with _every single time_ I've punched my fist into my palm, full-strength, over the last few hours?"

The blood shot straight out of Largo's face.

"I gave you one chance to walk away. You should have taken it." And with that final line, Cross slammed his palm into Largo's gut. "IMPACT!"

_BWONG!_

In a final blast of pure force, Largo was blown clean off his feet, flying almost halfway across the field before he was _lodged_ through a tree down to his waist.

Cross scoffed as he adjusted the brim of his cap. "Tsk tsk… say, if you ever come after us again, do me a favor." He flipped the brim up with his thumb, unveiling a cocky smirk.

"Try and give me an actual _challenge."_

That final line was punctuated by the tree giving out the ghost and collapsing completely, giving Largo a final thump on the head on the way down.

And with that, Cross allowed himself to relax, his body un-tensing and one hand flashing to the bleeding wound in his back. It didn't seem to be life-threatening or anything, it just _hurt_ without the adrenaline rush; and all his movement hadn't done his torn muscles any favors either.

" _YOU OKAY?"_

He flashed his partner a somewhat weak smile. "Not batting at a hundred, but I don't think I'm going to keel over anytime soon."

A moment's silence, and…

" **MEH,"** Soundbite shrugged inasmuch as he could. " _I'll take it."_

"Hey, what about me?" Lassoo whined. "I took that bomb point-blank! I've suffered way more than you!"

"Yeah, if you call scorch marks and burned fur _suffering…"_ Funkfreed muttered under his breath.

Straightening somewhat, Cross chuckled and began to walk back over to his audience, the slight hitch in his walk almost unnoticeable.

Luffy met him with a proud grin, punctuated by a finger scratching under his nose. "Heheh, you got badass, Cross!"

That drew a derisive snort from Cross. "Luffy, on the last island, you managed to pancake a shadow-dragon into the _dirt._ Compared to you? I am _not_ hot shit! I am just a perfectly decent Paradise Pirate!" He then grinned proudly, his thumb jabbed towards himself. "And honestly, that's badass enough for me!"

"Shishishi! Well, so long as you're happy!" Luffy laughed. He then sobered up and tilted his head thoughtfully. "Though… I _did_ see one or two places you slipped up. Mind if I give you some tips?"

"Luffy giving tips…" Cross chuckled, shaking his head. "What is the world coming to? But hell, you're the one who's got the highest kicks-to-ass ratio of the whole crew! Hit me with your best—!"

"LOOK OUT!" Yoko suddenly shrieked, genuine panic and concern written across her face.

" **MEXICAN INQUISITION!"** Soundbite swiftly added.

Cross spat out a curse and spun around. "Damn it, shoulda seen this coming!"

In all fairness, Cross probably couldn't have foreseen both of the Amigo brothers charging him with weapons drawn and their eyes rolled into their heads in signs of pure berserker rage, with how banged up they were. Cross braced himself for the oncoming clash, wincing as the motion pulled against his stab wound—!

_WHAM!_

And then he could only stare in dumbfounded shock when Corto was suddenly _blasted_ into Largo on account of a white-and-gold pommel slamming into the stouter man's cheek with all the force of a cannonball.

For a moment longer, Cross stared dumbly at the now completely—and more importantly, _effortlessly—_ pummeled bodies who'd once been his opponents. He then turned an indignant eye on the source of said pommel strike.

"I had that handled!" he protested in an almost whiny tone.

Zoro blinked at the lower-ranked mate in surprise. "What, were these guys important or something? Sorry, I was just looking for some training dummies I could practice my pommel strikes on, and they looked like they were convenient. Still…" He jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "You gonna have a problem with it if I take _them_ on too? Repetition and all that, you know."

"Take…" Cross followed the direction Zoro was indicating, and _paled_ when he saw the Amigo Pirates' mooks _all_ staggering to their feet. "What… What the _hell?!_ The captain and first mate I can buy, barely, but I _know_ that I put _them_ down! How the hell are they still—?!"

"Dunno, don't care," Zoro grunted indifferently. "Come on, can I take them or—?" He suddenly cut himself off and scowled skywards. "Ah, damn it. Too late."

"Say wha— _ah hell…_ " Cross groaned, looking up himself. Those dark clouds had most definitely _not_ been there two minutes prior.

"Hey, boys!"

The sound of fingers snapping accompanied the cheerful greeting.

_KER-ZAP!_

And then came a shower of lightning that struck down every last one of the Amigos.

"How're things?" Nami continued pleasantly as she walked up to her friends, as though she _hadn't_ deep fried several dozen enemy combatants at once.

"You… sonnuva… _killstealer!"_ Cross blurted in offense. "I had _dibs_ on those S.O.B.s!"

"And I needed the practice!" Zoro scowled.

Nami glanced between the two before waving them off with a sheepish smile. "Ohhh man, sorry, sorry! I didn't mean to jam you up, really! I just thought I was taking out some trash is all, _honest_ mistake… But…" She stuck her tongue out, her Eisen Tempo swirling into an aura most angelic. "You'll forgive me because I'm so cute, right?"

Cross and Zoro exchanged flat looks, before bringing their fists down on top of her skull. "Not on your life," they deadpanned.

"OW!" the navigator yowled, clutching at the growing lump on her skull and sticking her tongue out further as she glowered at the other two officers. "YOU MADE ME BITE MY TONGUE, ASSHOLES!"

"Bitch!"

"Grinch!"

"Morons!"

" _Can't we all agree_ _ **YOU'RE ALL JUST TERRIBLE PEOPLE?"**_

" _SLIMEBALL!"_

"And they completely ignore the bleeding wound," Fabre sighed indulgently. "That's the Straw Hats for you. I'd better go find that doctor of theirs…"

A few feet away from the bickering, Yoko could only stare on in shock. She stared at the leaders of the Amigo Pirates, who'd essentially been _swatted_ like pests; she stared at the small army of pirates that had been deep-fried in moments; she _boggled_ at the trio—quartet if you counted the snail—of pirates who were lobbing insults at one another all while sporting massively teasing smiles.

And finally, the girl could only fall back on her ass as her grasp on reality flatlined.

"Wh-What _are_ you people?" the Marine girl stammered weakly.

"Shishishi! It's obvious, isn't it?"

The thump of someone sitting next to her drew Yoko's gaze, and she beheld Monkey D. Luffy shooting a wide smile at her. "We're the Straw Hat Pirates!"

"B-but… but!" Yoko sputtered incredulously, waving her hands frantically. "T-That's not… not _right!_ Pirates, they… they aren't like that! They're not like you! They-they don't _protect_ people, they aren't cool or awesome or… or _nice!_ Pirates are… they're…"

Luffy's smile slowly fell into a frown, and he glanced at the tenderized brothers. "You think pirates are meant to be like _them,_ right?"

Yoko bit her lip, but she slowly nodded in agreement.

"Well… yeah, I know what you mean," Luffy said, his arms crossed and head nodding. "I don't like it, and I always _say_ those guys are fakers, but… I'm dumb, but not that dumb. I know that most pirates are like that. I know that to the rest of the world, we're not really traditional pirates, y'know? It's stupid, but it's the truth."

Luffy took off his hat and looked at it, smiling wistfully. "But… I made a promise, see? I promised, on this hat, that I'd become the King of the Pirates. The one who gave it to me is the greatest man I've ever known, he saved my life when I was a kid… and he was the strongest pirate I've ever met."

Yoko gaped in stunned disbelief as Luffy looked back at her with a grin on his face. "I'm never gonna break this promise. I _am_ going to become the King of the Pirates… but I'm not going to change to do it. I'm not going to let the world change me so that I can achieve my dream. I won't let the world change my _dream._ So, if the world says that my dream is wrong, impossible?" He pumped his fists with a confident nod. "Then I guess I'll have to change the world to fit my dream!"

Though Yoko's jaw still hung open, it was now a case of awe rather than disbelief that was the cause. "Wh-What are you talking about?"

"The way I see it?" Luffy said as he shoved his hat down. "While I become Pirate King, I'm gonna do one traditionally pirate-y thing." He shot Yoko a massive grin that was full of pure steel. "I'm going to steal the _word_ 'pirate'." Upon seeing Yoko's look of confusion, he elaborated. "Well… not the word… the… the idea? _Concept!_ I'm gonna take the concept of pirates for myself, and change it! People like me, people who just want to see what the sea have to offer, we'll be the _real_ pirates. And all those assholes just in it for the treasure and other stupid stuff like that, _they'll_ be the fakes, playing around at things they don't understand. How does that sound?"

"…you're weird," was the only thing Yoko could finally muster.

"Duh!" Luffy laughed uproariously. "I mean, c'mon! What's the fun in being normal? You know what I'm talking about, right? I mean, you're friends with a really cool giant beetle!"

Yoko's expression wavered slightly at the reminder of the last time she'd seen Boss, but ultimately she decided to just look away and try to get her thoughts in order.

Seeing her confusion, Luffy frowned thoughtfully before nodding his head at Cross, who was now snorting and butting heads with Zoro, while Nami off to the side consumed by giggles. "If you're still having a hard time getting it… I dunno, maybe talk to Cross? He's really smart, and he's always talking about morals and stuff on the SBS. He'd know more about it than me."

Yoko looked towards them just as Zoro scoffed at Cross. "Didn't you say you were happy with how badass you were?"

"I did and I am! But _that!?"_ Cross stabbed his finger at the carnage arrayed behind them. "Shit like _that_ makes me feel inferior! And also, _this_ is when you guys show up!?" Growling wordlessly, he swung his arms out. "I was going up alone against several dozen bastards here!"

"Eh, it wasn't that big a deal, you had it handled," Zoro waved him off.

Cross's eye twitched as he spun around and gestured at the bleeding wound in his back. "I got _shanked!"_

"Like I said, no big deal," the swordsman rolled his eyes.

"Didn't you even _boast_ that it wasn't that big a deal?" Nami asked with a thoughtful frown.

"It is the _principle_ of the matter!"

"…Since when do _you_ have _principles?"_

"Now see here—!"

" _AHEM!"_

"GRK!" Cross froze mid finger-jab, his face paling dramatically as he slowly turned to see that Fabre had just returned with a glaring Chopper in tow. "Aheh… hiya Chopper… how's tricks?"

The human-reindeer cocked his eyebrow in an unimpressed manner. "What's this I hear about you getting, oh, what's the word you used… _shanked?"_

"Ah…" Cross waved his hands defensively as cold sweat coated his brow. "I-It was nothing, really! So very shallow, barely even a scratch, I swea—!"

Chopper jabbed his hoof downward, his glare unwavering. "On your knees, shirt and jacket off. _Now."_

"Yessir," Cross yelped, swiftly following the orders.

Chopper gave the stab wound a single look before redoubling his glare at his patient. "Cross, you're savvy, you know stereotypes and tropes and such, right?"

"…right?"

"So you _know_ how absolutely boneheaded it is to remove a penetrating object from a stab wound, _right?"_

Cross swallowed heavily, positively refusing to meet Chopper's accusing gaze. "Twisting the knife would cause more damage and I was moving around too much to be sure it wouldn't?"

"Nice story," Chopper crossed his hooves firmly. "What's the truth?"

The streams of cold sweat intensified further. "…Half intimidation factor, half adrenaline is both a steroid and an anesthetic."

Chopper snorted as he laid down his bag and started getting out his tools. "Well, if that's the case, then I'm sure you'll be able to go without _my_ anesthetics for a bit."

"Wait, say wha— _GAH YOU FURRY LITTLE BASTARD!"_ Cross howled as Chopper started to sew him up without warning or painkillers.

"Oh, suck it up, you took a _dagger_ to the back, this is a sliver of metal, plus I need to ration out how much anesthesia I use with how fast you guys are burning through my supplies," Chopper said, rolling his eyes as he continued to work. "Meanwhile, let's focus on more _important_ matters! You know, like how it's absolutely incredible that that thing didn't hit anything more important? Like your aorta. Or spine. Or a kidney. Or your lungs. Or liver. Or—!"

"Alright, I get it, there's a lot of important shit in my torso and I should stop blocking things with it, get off my— _BACK!"_ Cross yelped at a particularly harsh tug.

"Unless you're going to get more armor, you probably should," Nami admitted.

"Psh, wishful thinking," Cross grumbled. "I might have just realized I'm stronger than I thought I was, but no way in hell am I strong enough to lug around a full suit of the stuff."

"Awww, that's too bad," Nami teased. "After all, isn't wearing a suit of armor a—?"

"MAN'S ROMANCE!"

" _GO, BOSS, GO!"_

"GAH!" Nami reeled in shock when Boss and his merry band of nitwits suddenly put on their usual show. "Where the hell did you all come from!?"

"I was _summoned!"_ Boss shot a thumbs-up at her (somehow), a sparkling smile decorating his mug. For a moment, an illusion of a bowl cut and black, bushy, caterpillar-like eyebrows superimposed themselves over Boss' face.

And then, thankfully, it was gone.

There was a haunted expression on Cross's face as he clamped a hand over his eyes. "This ocean is going to kill me before we hit the damn Red Line again…"

"Like how this crew's shenanigans and blatant disregard for their own health is rapidly killing my childish sense of wonder and amazement?" Chopper asked flatly as he finished tying a knot in Cross's stitching. "Because I am _far_ too intimate with you people's innards for comfort. Done, by the way. And I swear, if I check this again later and find it split—!"

"Hey, don't insult me! I am _not_ Zoro!" Cross glared over his shoulder in offense.

"Bite me," said green-hair snorted.

Cross responded by holding out a leering Soundbite. "Don't tempt me. I _will_ use this."

Soundbite opened his mouth—

" _Arghghgggrgh…"_

And then shut it just as swift with a blink of confusion. "UHHH… _**that wasn't me?"**_

"No, it was him," Zoro said, jabbing a thumb towards Corto. Following his gaze, Chopper's eyes widened; the luchador was shuddering on the ground, gurgling on the blood and foam that was shoving its way out of his throat.

"What did you do to him!?" the reindeer demanded, rushing over to the large pirate's side and starting to look him over.

"I did jack _shit!"_ Cross growled. "Damn it, I knew them getting up was suspicious. I think they _all_ dosed themselves with something to keep fighting, but Corto's ODing because his _brother of the year_ gave him an extra dose earlier so that he could walk off a Gastro-Blast!"

"Damn damn damn _damn…"_ the doctor cursed, intently looking the pirate over. "Fever, low blood pressure… Cross, did you see where he was injected?"

"Uh… he grabbed his neck when he first got up."

Chopper gently tilted Corto's head back and forth, and his eyes widened in shock when he beheld a _visibly_ growing discoloration on his neck. "What on… this rash looks like toxic shock syndrome, only it's on steroids! What the hell did he take?!"

"Going by how they all managed to get up after Cross kicked their asses? Something _stupidly_ effective that doesn't like to be double-dosed?" Nami hesitantly offered.

Chopper's eyes darted about in frantic thought. "Shit shit shit _shit,_ and I can't give him an antibiotic if I don't know what that was…" Suddenly, he clicked his hooves. "Ah! I can still see the infection spreading, meaning it hasn't had time to circulate yet! Still dangerous though…" Chopper eyed Corto for a moment before shrugging. "Meh, he can survive losing a pint or two."

"A pint or two of wha— _HURK!"_ Yoko's question promptly died in her throat as Chopper suddenly withdrew an empty and very large syringe from his pack and jammed it in Corto's neck. Slowly, he pulled the plunger out, along with a _considerable_ amount of the luchador's blood.

"Alright…" Chopper nodded with a relieved smile as he observed that not only had the luchador's seizure abated, but his rash had stopped spreading. "That seems to have done it, now let's see just…. What… the _hell…"_ Chopper's jaw slowly dropped in shock and horror as he held the syringe up to eye-level and watched as the blood held within visibly shifted its coloration.

"Ah, holy _hell…"_ Cross brought his fist to his mouth with a sickly moan. "That just can _not_ be right."

Chopper stared for a moment longer before scowling in utter fury. He then marched up to one of the less fried Amigo mooks, grabbed their collar and wrenched them up to stare into his infuriated eyes. " _Who gave you this drug!?"_ he snarled. " _You bastards aren't smart enough to have made it on your own! Who gave it to you?! Who gave you this—this_ poison!?"

The Amigo pirate gurgled in terror, visibly struggling to stay conscious. "I-It… b-but that's not… i-it was… h-he told us—!"

" _A NAME!"_

Shivering like mad, the pirate stammered out a single word. "I-I-In… di… go…" And with that, the pirate's eyes rolled up into his head and he collapsed entirely.

" _Useless!"_ Chopper swore. Dropping the pirate, the doctor went still for a solid minute. When he turned back to Cross, the cyan anger was still there, just… buried. "Please tell me you know this 'Indigo'."

"If _this_ is the shit he's peddling?" Cross scowled down at Corto's ravaged body. "I wish I did, if only so I could let you dissect his most assuredly _twisted_ ass." He shook his head. "The only guy I know of who could come up with something like this has a totally different name, didn't use aliases from what I saw, is on the wrong side of the Red Line, and is more into weapons than boosters anyway. Sorry."

"Tsk…" The human-Zoan ground his hoof into his temple before heaving a deep sigh and glancing at the onlooking mayor. "I need help hauling these morons back to their vessel, where I can make sure none of them are going to get melted from the inside out before we send them on their way. Could you spare a few of your townsfolk or…?"

"Oh, no, that's perfectly fine!" Fabre nodded hastily. "I think we have a few carts we can use, too! We'll fetch them right away for you."

"I'll come with you," Chopper nodded morosely, following the mayor back into the town.

The rest of the Straw Hats could only watch as their doctor walked off in silence, his shoulders slumped and speaking of considerable stress. Once he was out of sight, though, the captain of their ship's guard heaved a massive sigh and clapped his flippers together. "Well!" he announced in a lamenting tone. "Not that this hasn't been _fun,_ but I've worn my flippers raw splitting trees all day, and I wanna put that practice to practical use. Either someone gives me a good fight, or—!"

"CAREFUL WHAT YOU **wish for,** _ **blubber-brain,"**_ Soundbite snickered.

The dugong glanced at the mollusk in confusion—

" _GWOOOOOGH!"_

And then grinned in absolute _elation_ as an insectoid war cry warbled out, and a massive shadow shot over the meadow. Before the onlookers' eyes, Boss Kabuto, even larger than he'd been when the Straw Hats had first laid eyes on him, landed on a nearby hill, roaring and snorting as he pawed at the ground and swung his beady eyes around in search of a good brawl.

"HE CAME THIS WAY BECAUSE _**he smelled a load of strangers AND HE WANTS TO TEST OUT HIS NEW UPGRADES…"**_

Boss Kabuto's gaze latched onto the downed Amigo Pirates, and as soon as he processed that there was no fun to be had, he slumped with a disappointed warble.

" _AND that_ _SHOULD REQUIRE NO TRANSLATION."_

"Boss!" Yoko cried, running forward and embracing her friend's horn. "You're looking great! But you shed so early, are you alright?"

The beetle grunted reassuringly, though his demeanor was tense. It didn't take Yoko long to realize, and she looked down. "I'm sorry about earlier, Boss. I was… I was being stupid."

Boss slowly blinked, and then began rubbing her gently with a couple of feelers. Before long, Yoko was laughing uncontrollably. "HAHAHAHA! S-S-Stop it, Boss, that t-tickles! A-And!" She shoved the feeler away with a tearful smile. "I-I still have to say something important…"

The feelers pulled back, and Boss followed, his expression one of confusion. "I… I'm sorry for being prejudiced," she apologized sincerely, soothingly rubbing his carapace. "The Straw Hats… they were right, I was wrong. About… a lot of things. The most important thing being that not all pirates are bad." She glanced over her shoulder and gave the Straw Hats a sad smile. "Especially not these ones."

"Don't worry about it," Nami cut in, waving off her concerns with a kind smile. "Many of our crew members used to feel the same way, myself included."

Yoko nodded in acknowledgement. "Yeah, I was wrong about you guys…" Then, _sloooowly,_ she allowed a wide grin to spread over her face. "But there was _one_ thing I wasn't wrong about!"

And with that, she spun back around and used Boss-K's horn to make him look her in her eager eyes. "My best badass bug-friend in the whole wide world can still kick the asses of your rubber brained idiot and your smelly blubberbutt, at the same time and with every single last handicap you can think of, all without breaking a sweat! Isn't that right, Boss!?"

Boss Kabuto only hesitated long enough to give his best friend a look of shock before rearing up on his hind-legs and roaring his defiance to the high heavens.

"THAT'S A FIGHTING ROAR RIGHT THERE!" Boss Dugong cackled euphorically, unwinding his rope-dart and spinning it into a blur.

"GO, BOSS, GO!" The TDWS cheered as one from a safe distance.

" _FINALLY!"_ Luffy whooped, shooting to his feet and windmilling his arm just as fast as his aquatic Boss. "I'M STUFFED, I'M PISSED AND I'M READY TO BRAWL! _LET'S DO IT!"_

"Back the hell up!" Zoro called out, leading the charge _away_ from the prepping fighters. "These three aren't going to stop until this whole field's a crater!"

"And it's going to be _glorious!"_ Nami cheered, beri signs flashing in her eyes even as she used her Eisen Cloud to cart away the fallen Amigo Pirates in a… _less_ than gentle manner. "All three fighters are local celebrities, and this is the prize fight of the _decade!_ I'M GOING TO CLEAN UP WHAT PROFIT THIS TOWN HAS TO OFFER! FIVE PERCENT OF THE HAUL TO WHOEVER HELPS ME WITH THE BETTING!"

"AYE, MA'AM!" the TDWS barked, hot on Nami's heels as she charged into town.

Yoko was no exception to the general evacuation, and she only paused as she ran to glance up at Cross. "You think… that we're… far enough yet?"

The tactician opened his mouth, before almost choking on his tongue as an earth-shattering impact, an ear-shattering roar, and a skin-blistering blast of blazing air washed over them. "Signs point to _nope!"_ He glanced over his shoulder with a cocked eyebrow. "And just for the record, your badass beetle breathes _fire?!_ I am _officially_ jealous."

"Hey, what's going on?! _Are you idiots stressing your—?!_ IS THAT THE GIANT BEETLE YOU GUYS TALKED ABOUT EARLIER!? AND IS IT BREATHING _FIRE!? SO COOOOOOL!"_

"Oh, that's nice!" Cross sighed with an honestly relieved smile as a euphoric squeal sounded out. "Chopper's been so serious lately, it's a relief to know he's still got _some_ kid in him, you know?"

"Heh, if you say so! And you didn't see Boss's fire before? Yeah, he's awe—wait, _what?_ " Yoko glanced at the fight, and then did a double take as she saw what her friend was doing, a massive grin splitting her face. "Whoa, _that's_ new! It was just fireballs before, not an actual flamethrower! Boss is even _more_ awesome now!" Said grin slipped as she started to lag behind. "Or… _not_ if I wind up getting roasted by it…"

"Can't have that, can we? Alley-oop!"

"Say wha— _WAGH!"_ Yoko yelped as she suddenly found herself getting scooped onto the pirate's back. "Watch it, you stinking pirate bast—ah…"

Cross, meanwhile, just barked out a laugh. "Make me, you stuck-up Marine brat!"

Yoko blinked in surprise before snickering right back. "Swashbuckling ne'er-do-well! Ah, but, before you reply," she hastily cut him off with a sheepish grin. "While an insult back-and-forth _would_ be fun, your captain said something about you, uh, being smart and knowing a lot about how the world works and stuff?"

Cross immediately perked up, adopting a truly devilish grin. "Ooooh, a chance to corrupt the mind of the youthful, ignorant and innocent?"

"'TIS AS GOOD AS _**OUR BIRTHDAY!**_ **WOOHOOHOO!"** Soundbite chortled in agreement.

Yoko swallowed heavily as her face drained of blood. "I suddenly regret absolutely everything ever."

"Too late!" Lassoo and Funkfreed laughed from where they were bringing up the rear.

Cross started to nod, before suddenly casting a glare over his shoulder at Funkfreed. "And we're not riding you _why_ exactly?!"

"…yoooou never asked?"

"If you make me, _so help me, ivory farm—!"_

"Up and at 'em!"

"WHOA!" Yoko could only gape in shock as she suddenly found the pirate she'd been foisted on himself foisted onto the back of his elephant sword. She blinked slowly before gracing Cross with a goofy grin. "…I take it back: you guys aren't weird. You're _fun!"_

"All that and more, little lady!" Cross swept his hat off in a mock-bow before giving her a toothy smirk. "Now… where would you like me to start?"

And so, with a brawl for the ages as the backdrop, another soldier in the war against immorality and injustice was slowly and surely forged.

**-o-**

A world away, a large and imperious man puffed on a cigar, his eyes scanning over the dominion he had claimed for himself. The dominion that would be the vehicle of his conquest… and his vengeance.

At the sound of farting rubber behind him, said man cocked an eyebrow but didn't look away from his view. "Something you need to tell me, Doctor?" the Imperious Man rumbled.

"Piro piro piro," a high-pitched voice chuckled behind him. "Oh, nothing too critical, I assure you. I just thought I'd inform you that I've just gotten a report: the Amigo Pirates have been soundly defeated."

"…the who?"

"Piro piro, I'm not surprised you don't remember them." The Laughing Man grinned as he crossed his arms behind his head, his shoes flatulating quite loudly as he shifted his weight from side to side. "They were the crew that applied to be our 51st Division. You set them the condition of retrieving an old prototype of the Kaen Kabuto line that managed to escape a few years back. _Long_ obsolete by now, but it would have been nice to dissect it, see how time affected its evolution. But, ah well."

The Imperious Man was silent for a few seconds before scratching his head and grunting. "Ah, right, I remember 'dem now. Eh, no big loss, they were just intended to be cannon fodder anyway. Still, so long as we have an opening…" The man reached a hand into his jacket and held a sheet of paper he held out over his shoulder. "Send an invitation to them. They've quieted down recently, but they did raise some impressive hell in a short amount of time. They'll fill in our ranks quite nicely."

"Piro piro~! As you order, Captain!" the Laughing Man sang as he snatched up the paper.

The Imperious Man glanced back at the laugher. "What's got you in such a good mood?"

"Two things, sir!" The Laughing Man donned a massive grin as he held up a gloved finger. "First, even though they were total failures, the plant I had in the Amigo's crew has sent me back some _excellent_ data on a project I've been working on!"

"Which would be?"

"Behold!" The Laughing Man proffered his hand, displaying a pair of vials that contained a viscous, reddish-orange solution. "Booster IQ, or BIQ for short. Basically IQ Serum for the common footsoldier. Heals wounds, replenishes stamina, the whole nine yards. In essence, a supersoldier elixir!"

"Hmmm…" The Imperious Man took a long drag from his cigar before side-eyeing the Laughing Man. "And I take it the reason you had yet to tell me about it is that it's still incomplete? And you used these… Amiibo Pirates or whatever as lab rats?"

"PIRO PIRO PIRO PIRO PIRO!" the Laughing Man cackled, eagerly tossing the vials in the air and juggling them about. "The morons never suspected a thing! Bought my spiel about it being 'a sign of our allegiance and trust' hook line and sinker and didn't even ask for change! Ahh, but for all that they were weak idiots, at least they gave us some valuable data!" The Laughing Man's grin then became downright savage as he clutched the vials. "In more ways than one."

The Imperious Man snorted out a cloud of smoke. "How could a bunch of weaklings who couldn't even capture a single obsolete beetle be good as anything other than warm bodies?"

"Why," the Laughing Man sneered as he replaced the vials in his pockets. "Precisely because it _wasn't_ the beetle that defeated them."

"Oh? Then what did?"

"Who, sir, not what. And in this case'…" The Laughing Man withdrew a sheet of paper from his lab coat and held it out to the Imperious Man, displaying the picture printed upon it to him.

The picture of a widely smiling kid.

"The 'who'," the Laughing Man chuckled grimly. "Was none other than the Straw Hat Pirates."

The air around the Imperious Man suddenly tensed as he stared at the bounty held before him, and it was with slow and deliberate movement that he grasped said paper and for himself. "Is 'zat so?" he asked in the rumble that was his version of quiet.

"I'm completely certain," the Laughing Man nodded politely. "In fact, it was the Voice of Anarchy himself who _personally_ dealt with the lot of them. Hard to mistake _that_ voice when it's throwing out taunts, you know."

The Imperious Man tuned out the Laughing Man's words, instead focusing all his attention on the bounty. On a single aspect of the picture.

An aspect that had been burned into his mind on _that fateful day_ twenty-two years past.

"That… damn… _smile,"_ the Imperious Man snarled, the paper crumpling in his grip.

"Pi~ro pi~ro," the Laughing Man sang, swinging back and forth on his flatulent heels. "I take it this means we're taking a detour after we _reintroduce_ ourselves to the good soldiers of Marineford?"

The Imperious Man exhaled a malevolent rumble of smoke, his mouth set in a deep scowl. "You've got _that_ damn right, Doctor."

"PIRO PIRO! Wonderful!" the Laughing Man sang gleefully as he clapped his hands together. "I'll go and prepare that which I can for the festivities! If we don't sink them outright, then they'll make _wonderful_ whetstones for my creations! See you later~!" And with that, the Laughing Man turned to swagger off.

"Hold it."

Before suddenly freezing in place, cold sweat coating his body as existential terror filled his body.

"Relax, relax, you're not in trouble," the Imperious Man waved his hand dismissively, causing the Laughing Man to relax. "I'm just curious is all. You haven't been miming your responses lately, Doctor. Why is that?"

And just like that the Laughing Man tensed up again, but for a _completely_ different reason, as his tense smile revealed. "Forgive me, sir, if I've been a bit serious lately. But I've quite simply had no other choice _but_ to double down and focus on my work. After all…" The Laughing Man's hands snapped into trembling fists, his teeth starting to grind against one another. "At the cusp of the unveiling of my twenty-year masterpiece, I'm at risk of getting shown up by a little pirate _brat_ who hasn't been on the sea for more than a year, and who _hasn't even reached the age of majority!_ Why do you think I came up with BIQ, hm!? I need to prove that that little furry _rat_ doesn't have shit on me! I— _ah…piro piro piro…"_

The Laughing Man trailed off into a grim chuckle, a hand hiding his murderous grin. "My apologies, sir, I lost my composure for a moment. But. Rest assured, my mind is still as on-task as ever. And if you do indeed miss my dancing, well. Rest assured, you _will_ see it once more in this lifetime. I shall dance anew. Oh yes, I shall dance…"

The Laughing Man spun around, his face the mask of insanity that spewed forth maddened laughter, a pair of viridian flames dancing in the palms of his hands. "I SHALL DANCE IN THE PHOSPHOROUS-CHARRED ASHES OF THE ACCURSED EAST BLUE! PIRO PIRO PIRO PIRO!"

The Imperious Man adopted an evil smile of his own as he watched the mad doctor. "That's an _excellent_ answer, Doctor…"

The Imperious Man then turned to face his dominion and spread his arms wide with a raucous roar. "A MOST EXCELLENT ANSWER INDEED! JIHAHAHA! _JIIII_ HAHAHAHAAAAA!"

**-o-**

"…and as we left, his last word to us was congratulating us for beating him at his own game. Last I heard, the base got rid of any lingering budget problems thanks to relocating a nearby training grounds to inside the base. They certainly had the room for it, from what I saw."

Cross sat up from his reclined position against one of the barrels set up to be loaded onto the Sunny, a soft smile on his face. "But anyways, yeah. Decent Marines are those kinds of people, and anyone who puts their life on the line like that has my respect."

Yoko nodded slowly, her expression carefully neutral; the differentiation between good and decent Marines was even more eye-opening for her than the way Cross had fought off the Amigo Pirates, and the countless examples he had cited of the nicer sorts of pirates like Whitebeard and Shanks, and the wicked Marines like Nezumi and Onigumo…

Her image of her father remained as untarnished as it had always been. Improved, even, seeing how he'd managed to stay moral and uncorrupt in a world like this, but the fact remained: beyond him, her black and white view of the world had been forced into color.

"Wow…" she breathed softly, her mind awhirl as she contemplated the new information she'd been granted. She then glanced up at Cross as a thought struck her. "But, wait… I-I'm just a _kid._ A kid who spent the whole day trying to get you and your friends kicked off this island! Why… Why _tell me_ all this? Why… spare me a second thought?"

Cross blinked at her in surprise before quirking up a smile, standing and adjusting his cap. "That, little lady," he chuckled. "Is a question whose answer is _entirely_ up to you."

Yoko frowned thoughtfully, but before she could ask anything further Cross had already walked off, intent on doing one last round through his crewmates before they set off.

His first stop was the most prominent feature to be found on the beach: a titan-sized beetle that the crew's human-reindeer doctor was keeping drugged into drowsiness. Once he was close, Cross looked over the makeshift barrel-turned-IV that Chopper and Donny were making use of. "Lemme guess… you _never_ thought you'd wind up in a situation like this, am I right?"

Chopper sighed, shaking his head with a wry smile. "Well, while I never could have foreseen having to use my new Cherry Blossom Slumber on my captain, a kung-fu fighting dugong, and a giant beetle because they were at risk of splitting the island or each other's heads in half, I'm not complaining. At least Project Panacea's gotten a lot more data out of the deal!" He then graced Cross with an honest smile. "Plus, in between the heart-pounding, life-threatening situations, it's been really fun too!"

" _PLUS THE TERRIFYING STUFF IS FUN TOO!"_ Soundbite laughed, though he just as swiftly waved his eyestalk dismissively. " **Yeah yeah, I know, different opinions.** _By the way, on the bash brothers, didn't you give them_ _ **a chance to**_ **CALL IT OFF?"**

"Whether you were listening to me when it happened or not, you should know that they wouldn't, and didn't," Chopper responded with a roll of his eyes, tugging the mega-sized needle he was using out of a chink in Boss-K's armor and giving his carapace a final pat farewell. "Anyways, I estimate this one won't have his dose wear off until we're past the horizon, even though his immune system is _insane,_ and I have our own crazies chained up in my office and drugged to the gills. So we should be good to go."

Boss-K warbled morosely as he shifted in place, trying and failing to get his dizzied legs under himself. "Gwowowooooo _oooot_ fair, I just wanted a… good…" Boss trailed off, blinking in surprise on account of how he'd _actually_ started talking, in a deep voice. "What the—!?"

"Finally!" Cross shot a look at his partner out the corner of his eye. "Nice choice for Andre, but still, took you long enough, didn't it?"

" _LICK MY SLIMY ASS,_ **it took me hours** _to get a start on just_ **WHAT HE WAS SAYING!"** Soundbite _tsk_ ed sharply _._

"I'm with the wild-tongued wonder," Chopper concurred.

"SASSY! _YOU'RE LEARNING!"_

The reindeer-human flashed a sign at Soundbite with his hoof before continuing. "Boss's dialect, whatever it is, is as foreign to me as it is to him. For once, I can only understand one of an animal's voices."

"Well, I for one am perfectly happy with the results!" Boss Kabuto rumbled happily, rubbing a leg beneath his horn. "I'm still a bit sore that I can't finish one of the best fights of my life, but this is a close second!"

"Hmm…" Chopper frowned inquisitively as he looked the titan-sized beetle over. "Yeah, speaking about that, you _were_ going at it pretty rough. Boss and Luffy are no pushovers, and you _look_ good, but are you sure you're alright?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm perfectly fine," Boss said dismissively, tapping a leg to the underside of his thorax. "I've gone through way worse in the past. They're tough, sure, but a couple of lightweights like them aren't going to cause me any kind of permanent damage. When I was younger, I'd have been food. But now, after all this time…" Boss bobbed his head side to side. "Way I am now… probably take a hit from an Alpha or something to really ding my shell."

Chopper's frown deepened. "And… you know that _how_ exactly? And what's an 'Alpha' for that matter?"

Boss froze in place, staring at nothing. "U-Uhhhh…"

"UNASKED QUESTION, _BIG BOY: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU FROM?"_ Soundbite unabashedly queried. " **SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE GRAND LINE-NATIVE,** _ **that much is clear,**_ **but you're completely out of synch** _with this island's ecosystem!_ **Everything else has East Blue as a** _ **BASELINE, BUT YOU'RE WAY ABOVE THAT LINE!"**_

"Final count," Cross brought up the rear, though his tone was far more cordial. "How… exactly _did_ you come to live here?"

"I… ah… I…" Boss blinked dimly, bringing a leg to his armored brow. "I-It was so long ago, but I… I remember, I… I-I fell. I fell, to the island. From high up… farther than I could ever fly, going either way?"

Chopper and Cross exchanged surprised looks. "A… sky island, you mean?" Cross clarified. "An island made of clouds?"

Boss rumbled uncomfortably and shook his head, his gaze slowly turning skyward. "No… it was… it was normal. There was earth, there were trees, there were… there were…" The beetle's voice hitched, his mandibles clicking together.

"…other… animals?" Chopper offered warily.

Boss warbled again, this time mournfully, and it was with no small amount of alarm that the pirates watched the beetle's eyes slowly cloud over. "So many…" he whispered. "So many… always fighting… never stop, can't rest, can't stop. Stopping means dead. Weak means starving. Means dead. Have to fight… have to live…" Boss suddenly hunched over, chittering furiously as his wings fluttered and spasmed beneath his shell in obvious panic. "Have to… have to _run…_ have to have to have to… can't stay, can't… Had to leave… had to leave madness… had to leave the… had to leave the… the…"

At that point, the beetle's newfound eloquence vanished, replaced by the feral rumblings as he sunk into what all present could tell was a PTSD flashback. It was only allowed to last for a couple of seconds before Chopper managed to replace Boss's IV and put him back under.

"I think I'll let him drain the barrel," Chopper stated sadly.

"Smart move," Cross nodded before glancing at his partner. "What was he saying at the end?"

" _ **Same thing, over and over.**_ **COULDN'T GIVE YOU A DIRECT TRANSLATION,** _SO I think IT WAS A NAME. Closest I can give you…"_ Soundbite gave Cross an honestly morbid look. " **He was saying 'Realm Ruled by Power', over and over again.** AND I DON'T THINK YOU NEED ME TO TELL YOU THAT HE WAS _TERRIFIED_ OF THE PLACE."

"Completely traumatized," Chopper shook his head sadly. "I shudder to think what could have scared someone like him so bad it's still fresh in his mind, even now."

"Easy money says we'll be finding out soon, little guy."

All three of them looked up in surprise as someone made their presence known.

"Sanji?" Chopper asked.

The cook blew out a cloud of smoke before gesturing at the other blond on the crew. "Walk and talk, Cross."

Perplexed, the tactician followed the chef away from the reindeer and beetle. His perplexion grew when the chef led him to where Zoro and Nami were relaxing and drinking as the TDWS loaded the supplies. Before Zoro could open his mouth with a customary insult, Sanji spoke.

"It's obvious that you don't know about any of what's going on here, Cross," he said sternly. "But whether you saw it or not, this world is still part of the story you read, and while I was growing up, I learned way more about comic book plotlines than I ever wanted to."

Zoro remained silent, while Cross and Soundbite both seemed bewildered. Naturally, it was Nami who leaned forwards and spoke up. "What are you saying, Sanji?"

"I'm saying that it's no coincidence that we wound up here just in time to keep this place from being blown off the map and that beetle from being spirited away to who-knows-where," Sanji huffed around his cancer-stick. "This is just a preview for us; I'd bet my best shoes that whoever this 'Indigo' is, we're going to be running into him soon. And I'd bet just as much that he and whoever he's with is no pushover if he could hire an _entire_ pirate crew to act as mercenaries. More importantly, that beetle isn't normal even by Grand Line standards, and when you couple that with those faulty steroids that the Amigo Pirates had—"

"Indigo was behind Boss Kabuto, too," Cross finished, frowning. "And if you add _that_ to the PTSD, Boss wasn't the only monster he created…"

"In short, Cross," Sanji finished. "If you don't have a plan, you need to make one."

The first and second mates both contemplated that for a second before turning their own gazes on the tactician.

Cross stared at Sanji, and it was several seconds before he spoke. "I'll admit that that's good reasoning, Sanji, but there are two problems with that assumption. First, Oda acquired the nickname of 'Goda' and the phrase 'Goda never forgets' for his brilliance in the form of _long-term_ plots. Things like meeting Brook and happening to have befriended Laboon, or meeting Oimo and Kashi and happening to have befriended Dorry and Broggy, or whatever Lola's Vivre Card will do for us in Totland. Pft, hell!" Cross shrugged casually. "Easy money says that one day, the fact that you're a North Blue native'll rear its head in more ways than just familiarity with the tale of Noland."

Sanji's jaw tightened to the point that he almost sliced his cigarette in half, the back of his neck suddenly _soaked_ in cold sweat. "Looking forward to it," he mumbled.

"But anyway, that's beside the point. The more important implication, for me, is that all of this just _screams_ 'New World' to me. I mean, seriously…" Cross waved his hand at the slumbering beetle. "An island full of _that?_ And a normal island in the sky at that? Apart from Upper Yard, I can only see that happening on the other side of the Line. The story didn't show much beyond a few islands, but what it did show? There's a _reason_ this half of the reason of the Grand Line is called 'Paradise'."

Sanji frowned, clearly not satisfied.

"There's just one problem with that theory, Cross."

Everyone looked at Zoro, who had his arms folded and was staring with narrowed eyes at Cross. "Everything you know is based off of a world where you never existed, where the SBS never existed. In this world, we've been letting the entire world know about our adventures for months. We can't assume that we haven't given anyone that side of the Red Line any ideas with everything you've broadcast. Just look at Chopper."

"…fair point," Cross nodded his head in concession. "But there's also a counterpoint—!"

" **And I know it!"** Soundbite piped up swiftly. "LEMME SUMMARIZE WHAT YOU'RE TELLING US: _**Something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time,**_ **SO WE NEED TO LOOK SHARP!"** The snail adopted a flat look. " _I trust you see the issue?"_

Sanji and Zoro's faces reddened, and the former lit a cigarette while the latter took another swig of sake in attempts to shake off the blunt statement of the issue with their points.

"Yeah, I see the problem, too," Nami sighed, shaking her head. "We _do_ know just how hard it is to fight a ghost-enemy."

"I could give you a few pointers if you want~!" came a sing-song ethereal voice above their heads.

Cross's response was to flash the faux-princess a specific finger. "Keep moving, phantom bitch, I'll deal with you in a moment."

"Right!" Perona yelped, shooting off into the distance.

Nami watched her go with a cocked eyebrow, then gave Cross a chastising look. "She's not _that_ bad, you know."

"Mountain! _Faceplant!"_

"Alright, alright," the navigator said, her hands raised in surrender. "Just don't hurt her, okay?"

"Hurt? Oh, no, _never."_ Cross grinned as he splayed his fingers against one another. " _Majorly inconvenience,_ however? Pfheheheh…"

Nami shook her head, then turned her head in the direction of the Dugongs, who were just finishing up. "Alright, looks like we're just about ready to go. Soundbite, who else is out on the island besides Chopper?"

The snail took a moment to concentrate before answering. " **Just Vivi,** _ **Robin,**_ _and Conis,_ AND THEY'RE ALL _**HEADING THIS WAY with their respective partners.**_ **PLUS, CHOPPER'S FINISHING UP WITH BOSS TOO."**

"Perfect!" Nami got to her feet and dusted her hands off. "Let's get going, then."

"Ah, just one second," Cross said, then looked at his partner. "Connect me to Fabre and Yoko."

Soundbite didn't question it, nor did anyone else. As soon as the snail nodded, Cross spoke a few soft sentences before chopping his hand across his neck. No sooner was that done than the pirates boarded their ship.

As he passed by Robin, Cross couldn't help but notice how there was a slight… no, a _visible_ spring to her step. "What's got you so happy?"

Robin's response was to _beam_ in the most childish, endearing, and _un-Robin-ish_ manner possible, which almost incited a straight up _heart attack_ from the poor bastard and his partners. "Oh, I've just _finally_ achieved one of my most cherished dreams. …er, well…" She tapped a finger to her chin. "Not the one you're thinking of, a cherished _childhood_ dream. But still, very near and dear! I'd love to stay and talk, but I'm afraid I have _things_ I must attend to, so if you'll excuse me~!" And with that, she was gone as fast as she'd come.

Cross stared after her in slack-jawed horror before slowly turning his gaze on Conis and Vivi, and at the dead look in their eyes he suddenly _understood_ on a primal level what a thousand-yard stare was. "…dare I even _consider_ asking?"

Su and Carue gave their partners comforting pats on their shoulders before glancing at Cross. "You _really_ don't want to know,"

Cross nodded in understanding, but before he could say anything further a sharp whistle cut across the deck, snagging his attention.

"ALRIGHT, YOU BUMS!" Nami shouted from where she stood positioned next to Merry and the helm. "MUSCLEMEN, WEIGH ANCHOR! THE REST OF YOU, I WANT THOSE TOPSAILS AND FORESAILS DOWN TWO MINUTES AGO! _WE'RE BURNING FOAM FOR SABAODY, THEN FISHMAN ISLAND!_ "

"AYE-AYE, MA'AM!" most of the Straw Hats crew chorused.

"And I'm still our communications officer _why,_ exactly?" Cross muttered to himself.

"WHAT WAS THAT!?"

" _YOU HEARD THE WOMAN! WEIGH ANCHOR, DROP MAST! LET'S GO GO_ GO!"

And so the Straw Hats leapt to action, maneuvering their vessel up and out through the island's reefs…

"HEEEEY! STRAW HATS!"

But they all paused when a voice suddenly sounded out, and some quick maneuvering allowed them to see that the whole of the island's population was arrayed on the shore, waving them farewell, but none more animatedly than Yoko, the girl seated on a still-bleary Boss's back and waving her arms like a girl possessed.

"THANKS SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU DID FOR US!" she called out. "WE'LL NEVER FORGET IT! AND… I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH WHAT YOU TOLD ME! I'M GOING TO DO MY FATHER PROUD! I'M GOING TO FIGHT FOR JUSTICE! HONEST, _TRUE_ JUSTICE! BUT…"

Yoko smiled from ear-to-ear and crossed her arms over her chest, which puffed out in pride. "I'LL STILL BE A MARINE, AND YOU'LL STILL BE PIRATES! THAT MEANS THAT IF WE CROSS PATHS, I'LL BE ARRESTING YOUR ASSES IN A HEARTBEAT, _SO WATCH YOUR BACKS!"_

In response, Cross plastered on a cocky smirk and signaled for Soundbite to amp him. "YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MOVE FAST TO DO THAT, SHORTSTACK! THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE THAT'S GOT AN INTEREST IN OUR HEADS!" He then turned and pointed at the horizon. "WHAT SAY WE GO MEET THEM!?"

" _YEAH!"_

And with that final resounding cry, the Thousand Sunny and the Straw Hat Pirates departed from the Little East Blue.

Though, it should be noted that before they truly departed, Cross ambled up to the Ghost Princess's astral form and smirked up at her. "Just for the record," he purred in a too-innocent tone. "I'm _not_ going to torture you by holding my vengeance over your head the whole time we're together."

"Oh-thank-God!" Perona allowed the non-breath she'd been holding to whoosh out. "You're serious?!"

"Eeeyup!" And then suddenly, Cross's grin lost _all_ of its innocence. "I'm gonna have it right here, right now."

"Oh, well, that's al— _WHAT!?"_

But before Perona could say anything else…

_BOOM!_

An explosion of discolored smoke erupted from the Sunny's crow's nest. Perona stared up at the structure in blatant horror, choked noises crawling out of her throat. "Did you just… _bomb_ my body?!" she squeaked.

"Bribed Merry to plant it!" Cross thumbed his non-existent suspenders as he swayed back and forth on his feet. "And… technically yes? I used a _specific_ bomb, as it was."

That was when the pieces fit together. "You. _Stinkbombed. My body,"_ Perona wheezed in horror.

"And _my room_ is not only airtight, but I don't mind wearing a gasmask to sleep to boot!" Cross walked off, laughing all the while. "Enjoy, Ghosty!"

Perona was an inch away from draining every bit of happiness from that insufferable young man, but somehow, she retained enough mental capacity to realize that that would lead to a cycle of revenge. And getting involved with one of those with the Voices of Anarchy was not something she had any desire to do.

…And ultimately, that reasoning wasn't quite enough to keep her from sending a Negative Hollow rocketing his way.

Or at least, she _tried_ sending a Negative Hollow at him, but she found that she… just couldn't find the will to do it. She just… couldn't draw up the sheer 'will to terrorize' she needed to do the deed.

Perona stared in horror at her hand, the implications sinking, before she slowly drifted away with a haunted look on her face. "I need to get the hell off this ship as soon as possible…" she muttered to herself.

**-ONE WEEK LATER-**

"Captain, land ho! Kansorn Island is coming up on the port side!" called down the watchman.

"Very good," the captain rasped, approaching the edge of the ship to observe the island. His eyes narrowed almost immediately, picking something out of the air a moment before the watchman identified it.

"Captain, incoming! Gigantic Hercules beetle heading straight for us… with a girl in a Marine uniform on its back? And... I _think_ the beetle has our symbol painted on its flank?!" he added questioningly.

"Typical Ophiuchus: no shortage of help, no chance of normalcy," remarked one of the grunts.

"Indeed," Captain T-Bone agreed as he stood to his full height, his men clearing a large spot on the deck to allow the beetle to land.

The courtesy turned out to be unnecessary, however, as the beetle instead buzzed clean over the deck before circling around to hover in front of the deck, snorting and bucking its horn in defiance. The girl riding the mega-insect showed just as much nerve as she stood upon the beetle's back, folded her arms and fixed the Marines with a severe stare. Not quite a glare, but certainly far from inviting.

"State your business here!" the girl called out. "And I'm warning you, don't just take our markings for granted. If you're anything less than perfectly polite..."

The beetle snorted out a gout of flame from its horn, punctuating the point.

The display cowed most of the Marines, who lowered their weapons and stepped well back from the not-quite-hostile megafauna, while others drew their arms and prepared for combat.

Captain T-Bone did none of these things, and instead stepped forwards to regard the girl and her beetle with an even gaze. "Your name is Yoko, yes?" he rasped out over the buzz of the beetle's wings. "Daughter of Captain Ryudo? And your friend would be Boss Kabuto, correct?"

The pair of them gave no visible reaction, and after a moment, T-Bone continued. "My name is T-Bone. Captain 'Ship-Cutter' T-Bone. I'm here on a personal recommendation from a..." T-Bone hesitated slightly before sighing with a defeated smile. "From a _friend_ of mine."

"And I should care _why_ exactly?" Yoko questioned neutrally.

T-Bone allowed what little mouth he had left to quirk up into a smirk. "Because I think you _know_ this friend of mine. One… Ophiuchus?"

It took all of three seconds for that knowledge to process, following which Yoko and Boss's jaws promptly dropped open. "Holy _shit,"_ the girl breathed.

"And _that's_ proof enough for me that you've met the man in person," the Captain chuckled good-naturedly, a sunny demeanor shining through his gaunt visage. "Now, if you no longer suspect me…?"

"Ah!" Yoko gasped, hastily dropping to her knees and slapping Boss's shell, which in turn got the beetle dropping down onto the ship's deck. "I-I-I'm so sorry, Mister Captain T-Bone sir, t-t-that was, I-I-I was just trying to—!"

"Fahahaha, it's fine, it's fine!" the good Captain waved off the child's pleas, his smile unwavering the whole while. "I understand, I myself have recently come around to the same line of thought you hold, I can hardly fault you for exhibiting some measure of caution. But, for now!" T-Bone clapped his hands together. "We have business to attend to. I'm led to understand that your island's leader is one Mayor Fabre, yes?"

"A-Ah, yeah, that's right, but… Why do you ask?"

"Why, because I'd like to meet him of course!" the gaunt Marine laughed pleasantly. "And, more importantly, I have a proposition for him—and you, for that matter—that I believe you will find to be mutually beneficial."

**-o-**

In short order, the ship was docked, and Yoko and Boss had informed Fabre of the situation. The mayor promptly welcomed the Captain publicly, leaving his men to shore leave while leading him on a tour. Almost immediately, Fabre led him to Boss's burrow, where the beetle and Yoko already waited. Leaning against a tree, the portly man cautiously regarded the captain.

"I don't know what I was expecting when he told the two of us as he left that he'd be sending long-term help our way and to trust anyone who knew that name, but the fact that he told us with utmost seriousness not to repeat it to anyone we didn't trust with our lives made me expect something much more… under the table, I suppose," he stated.

"I assure you, our work requires the utmost secrecy, and simply the knowledge of our existence is dangerous," T-Bone responded gravely, shaking his head. "And in any event, that's hardly relevant to why I am here; apart from my reference point, this is strictly Marine business. When I said mutually beneficial, I was referring to the terms of this island and the Navy as… well, not a whole, but a large amount, at least."

"How so?" Yoko tilted her head questioningly. "I mean, it's a small island with not a lot of people, it doesn't have any natural resources, it's far from patrol… routes…" The girl blushed and shrank in on herself as the mayor and Marine looked at her in surprise. "I, uh… I looked up the criteria for Marine bases. I hoped I could put in a petition for the Little East Blue, but… yeah."

"Heh," T-Bone nodded with a kindly chuckle. "You are indeed as smart as Cross claimed."

Yoko's blush deepened even further.

"In any case," T-Bone continued. "It is, in fact, exactly _because_ of your island's qualities, which Cross listed to me, that I believe the Little East Blue would be perfect for what I have in mind. A small island out of the way of patrols is indeed not a terribly convenient location for a base…" He smiled, his melted skin pulling taut across his skull. "But it is the _ideal_ location for a way station."

_That_ got the island's natives gaping in shock.

"You... want to turn the Little East Blue into a Marine _vacation spot?"_ Fabre confirmed in an amazed tone.

"An idyllic island in the hell of the Grand Line, with absolutely no environmental issues and a perfectly normal populace? But of course!" T-Bone nodded. "Weary Marines will come by the battleship to relax and take in the taste of the East Blue..."

"And only an absolute _moron_ would think to attack an island with a half-dozen battleships at a time floating in its port! A-And even _then_ they'd be met with a _wall_ of blue!" Yoko finished in an eager rush. "Little East Blue wouldn't ever have to worry about pirates again!"

"Precisely," T-Bone confirmed. "All we would require would be a good number of Eternal Poses we can put to use, and those can be fashioned with all due swiftness. Unless I'm ill-informed, so long as you agree, you'll see your first visitors within the month."

"You're damn right we'll agree!" Fabre cheered, before standing up and shaking T-Bone's hand. "Thank you so much, Captain, this is beyond anything we could have ever imagined!"

"Yeah!" Yoko nodded eagerly, a motion that Boss mirrored. "There'll be loads and loads of Marines here all the time and—!" Yoko's cheer suddenly died mid-word, and her previous enthusiasm slowly drained out of her. "And they'll... all be able to meet... Boss..."

Boss glanced up at his friend, warbling inquisitively.

Yoko's head drooped for a long moment, before she looked back up to the Marine captain. "We can't go through with it," she said sadly. "If we did, other Marines would see Boss, they'd see how strong he is..." The girl splayed her fingers out against the beetle's shell. "And they'd take him away, wouldn't they? To use against other pirates?"

T-Bone pressed his non-existent lips together and nodded solemnly, a sad look in his eyes. "That is the most likely scenario, yes."

Fabre stiffened at the admission, and Yoko sighed sadly. Her head drooped again, brow coming to rest against Boss' horn, which drew another concerned warble from the beetle. "Thank you for your offer, Captain," Yoko mumbled despondently. "But... if it's a choice between my dream and Boss, then... there just _isn't_ a choice."

"...and what if I told you that I could give you both at once, no choice needed?"

Yoko snapped her head around so fast she came within a half-inch of whiplash. "R-Really!?"

Nodding, T-Bone began to pace, a finger held up in a clear sign of an impending lecture. "It is true that under normal circumstances, the Navy may express an interest in the unusual nature of your friend, and take him away to research him. However, there are times when Marine Headquarters makes allowances that subvert typical ordinances. These allowances are in respect to…" The Marine waved his hand airily. "Shall we say, _eccentric_ officers and their oddities. Examples include being permitted to wear a helmet and cape over a standard uniform, using a non-standard issue weapon, or being able to recruit a former pirate…"

The gaunt Marine smiled at the local guardians. "Or a giant beetle." All present could only gape as T-Bone continued. "Though, of course, recruiting one such as Boss Kabuto would be exceedingly difficult without also happening to have someone who was capable of working with him. Someone who knew him well."

At this point, Yoko was practically vibrating with joy, and Boss had his best grin on his face.

Fabre, however, was chewing on his pipe, clearly deep in thought. "Captain T-Bone… I have no doubt that you can train her well, and that Boss will be more than enough to protect her in the meantime. And believe me, I know better than anyone that Yoko is _more_ than willing to protect and serve but…" Growling in frustration, he threw his hands up. "But she's still only a child! Would your superiors honestly be able to accept this?"

T-Bone's mood visibly darkened, and his head tilted down just enough for his helmet to shadow his eyes. "There is a… _specific_ clause in the Navy's procedural rules. This clause allows minors to enlist in the Navy… provided they have seen a loved one die before their eyes." He paused, a cold silence hanging over the group. "It is known… as the 'Bloody Tragedy' clause."

A breath hissed past Yoko's teeth, some of them biting into her lip hard enough to draw blood. "…that clause," she breathed. "It's supposed to breed indoc—uh, brainwashed soldiers who'll kill without asking any questions, isn't it?"

"It was penned by the most ruthless Marine alive today, Admiral 'Akainu' Sakazuki, to forge ruthless, vengeance-thirsty killers out of war-torn orphans," T-Bone confirmed with a ferocious glower. "As such, I feel it is only fitting to apply that policy in the pursuit of bringing about a kind, honorable, _decent_ Marine." The glower turned to Yoko, softening into a mere stern gaze in the process. "I do warn you, I will not go easy on you because of your age, or your partner. Your training will be harsh, rigorous and thorough. I was trained in the methods of a strictly traditional branch of Marine culture, and I will put you through the same gauntlet through which I once walked. Are you truly, honestly willing to follow in the footsteps of the countless others who came before you?"

For either an eternity or several seconds, Yoko kicked the idea around in her head. Finally, she looked up at Boss, looked him in the eye, and when he smiled down at her, she smiled back, and as one they smiled at the Captain.

"We're in," she said, Boss warbling in agreement.

Fabre promptly heaved out a heavy breath. Walking over to Yoko, he patted the girl on the back. "I honestly can't say that this is what your father would want," he stated. "But I _can_ tell you that he'd be proud. As am I."

"And I," T-Bone concurred. "There will be more pomp and circumstance…" The Marine winced as a thought struck him. "And _paperwork_ … at a later date. But at the moment?" The skeletal man held his hand out to the girl. "Allow me to be the first to welcome you to the illustrious ranks of the Marines…" His grin widened noticeably. "Seagirl Recruit Yoko."

Yoko outright _squealed_ with joy, leaping up to hug Boss's horn as he warbled just as happily.

"I suppose I'll leave you two to become acquainted," Fabre said, turning to walk away. "I need to inform the rest of the village of the way things will be from now on anyway."

"My second-in-command is Warrant Officer Knalf, he will assist you with spreading the word," T-Bone called after him. Once the mayor was off, he turned back to Yoko and Boss, looking serious as a heart attack. _That_ sobered up the two in a hurry. "Now that you're in my chain of command, however informally, there is another matter to attend to—"

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

T-Bone's face twitched minutely, and he quickly retrieved a ringing snail from his jacket. Just as he was about to pick it up, though, he hesitated, and then looked at Yoko. "And that would actually be it. As you will be joining me as my protégé, you are entitled to certain… privileges. But I caution you, this is not for the faint of—"

"Sign me up," Yoko said firmly. "I've spent my whole life blindly chasing an ideal, and you can damn well bet I'm willing to fight to make that ideal into reality. I don't know what Cross is mixed up in, but if it's the right kind of pirates and the right kind of Marines, then I definitely want in."

T-Bone smiled wryly. "Glad to hear it, except for one detail. Mixed up in? Hardly… he's the founder."

The captain hid a smirk as the girl's jaw dropped briefly, only for her to click it shut and mutter about how that made too much sense.

The smirk fell from his face almost as soon as he picked up the receiver; his codename had barely crossed his lips before the snail adopted a dead-serious expression, and Black Cage Hina's voice sounded out in the same tone as a death knell.

" **We have a situation."**

_**A Crisis of World-Shattering Proportions** _

"Close to a _dozen_ islands annihilated in less than a month, all in the East Blue, and recently islands with civilians have started getting hit as well. Whoever's doing this—and I am _confident_ that they are a who—they're only getting started."

" **I think it goes without saying that the threat being presented is all too dangerous and all too real."**

_**An Odyssey into the Pits of Pandæmonium** _

" _This place is insane…_ **that's not a generalization, I'M BEING LITERAL!** _ **THIS WHOLE PLACE HAS LOST ITS MIND ON A PRIMAL LEVEL! Everything we've seen, everything we've experienced, it's all trumped by**_ THE SHEER MADNESS OF THIS HELLHOLE!"

" **Damn… whoever's doing this has to be some seriously** _ **special**_ **brand of twisted."**

_**All orchestrated by an Old Threat intruding upon the New Age** _

" _You_ actually think you can hurt _me?_ Jihahaha! Oh, this oughta be good for a laugh. Go right ahead… _give me your best shot."_

" **Well, at least we ain't going into this shitshow alone, right? All for one, one for all!"**

_**With Salvation and Devastation hanging in the balance, it's All Hands on Deck** _

"Looks like the Straw Hats have entered the building…"

"Which means that sanity can exit stage left! _Kyahahaha!"_

"Hehahaha! Ain't that the fuckin' truth right there!"

" **No matter what might come, we won't back down until the job is done and it's done** _ **right!"**_

_**One Rallying Cry can be heard on the Killing Ground: No Retreat, No Surrender** _

"…Captain. I can give you a hundred and one different plans, right here, right now, but only you can tell us what direction we're headed. Only you can tell us our destination. So… what's the play?"

"…I want to make him _pay."_

"Then we'll make him pay."

" **Everybody watch their backs. Something tells me that we're venturing into something this world has never seen before."**

_**In this War for the Right to Live, the only Law that reigns is Survival of the Fittest** _

"So. Final count, it's us two, a loud-mouthed third mate tactician with his partners and a first mate swordsman, against fifty of the strongest captains in Paradise, along with the top fighters in their crews. Close to five hundred pirates against two."

_**The Name of this Hell where the Only Options are to Fight or Die is…** _

"… _bring it on."_

**STRONG WORLD**

" **In the end, no matter who rises or who falls, the facts remain the same. All this…"**

" _A dozen._ TWO DOZEN. _FIFTY,_ **A HUNDRED,** _**TWO HUNDRED**_ … _Sonnuva_ **bitch** , _**I THINK THE WHOLE DAMN ISLAND WANTS TO TRY ITS LUCK!"**_

" _Cross, do you have a plan?"_

" _Well, Luffy, considering how we're surrounded on all sides, vastly outnumbered, and have no way out and no hopes of backup or rescue… yeah, I think I have one."_

" _What is it?"_

K-CHK!

" _How does 'make a stand' sound to you?"_

" _IT SOUNDS GREAT! BRING IT ON!"_

" **Is nothing but a** _ **prelude**_ **of the days to come."**

**Xomniac AN: Shoutout to TPO's beloved Vikingr, her factoid about musicians keeping the pace on ships helped us give Brook something to do in this chapter! Kudos, most brilliant writer!**


	7. Chapter 7

### Chapter 62: Chapter 55 - Strong World Pt. 1: Calamity In The Sky! Straw Hats' Week Of Horror!

### Chapter Text

**Cross-Brain AN: Yes, everyone, Part 1 only. We apologize profusely to those of you who voted that we publish this all at once; we hate going back on our word. But with the massive delay that the holiday season brought for us, which had a few people wondering about our well-being, we want to show you all that we're making progress.**

… **That, and if this installment is any indication, the full Strong World is going to be around 100k. Even we** **have to draw the line** _ **somewhere**_ **for absurdly long chapters.**

**Anyway, we have the entirety of** _**Strong World**_ **planned out; it will not be too long before we publish the next part as long as real life cooperates with us. Once more, our apologies for keeping you waiting, and for keeping you waiting longer for what comes next. But Part 2 will not take as long as this.**

**With that said, time to get this show on the road! But first, a word from one of our members.**

**Hornet AN: One word for y'all: psych!**

**Cross-Brain AN: Have fun chewing on that until we publish Part 3!**

On a normal day, the docks of Marineford would be buzzing with activity as battleships and other Marine vessels sailed in and out of the docks, directed with clockwork precision by the harbor masters. Countless throngs of the Marines' elite would be bustling about, their every action done in some way to maintain the Justice that protected the peaceful lives of civilians the world over.

As such, the days where Marineford fell utterly silent were both vanishingly rare and the kind of day that led every Marine to fear their headquarters falling so silent.

This burnt orange, twilight-hued day was _very much_ one of those days.

"Well," Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp said through a grim smile, a muscle twitching in his jaw and his gaze directed skyward. "At least Senny can't blame _this one_ on me."

Despite being veritably surrounded by other Marines, it was doubtful that very many heard what he said. Their attention was skyward, gaping astonishment and existential terror written on their faces.

The source of this reaction was the sight of one of Marineford's indomitable, insurmountable fleets of battleships, the very symbol of the Navy's strength, floating listlessly through the air as if the multi-kiloton galleons had the density of cloud vapor.

As swiftly as the spectacle and the awed silence had descended upon Marine Headquarters, a raid siren _finally_ howling out over the island shattered it. Every last one of the gathered troops sprung to action, if only to scramble to find something to _do_ about this inexplicable event taking place above them.

As the soldiers scurried around him like so many rats, Garp snorted derisively. "Tch. The new generation's reaction time is _shit."_

"Cut them a break, Garp."

The Vice Admiral didn't look, instead watching out the corner of his eye as his sole acknowledged superior stepped up alongside him, looking up into the sky just like him.

"This generation has seen wonders and horrors aplenty over their lifetimes," Sengoku grimly stated. "But none have ever seen madness such as this. None but us."

"Madness…" Garp muttered, before he _tsk_ ed and lowered his head. "Yeah, that's really the only way to describe this. There's only one man powerful enough and mad enough to do such a thing—" A sharp inhalation cut Garp off, his gaze snapping back up but even higher than before.

"Tch…" Sengoku spat as he followed his friend's gaze.

Their reactions were due to a far bigger issue than a few floating battleships suddenly intruding onto the moment, freezing the entire island in its tracks again.

In fact, one could very reasonably call the new issue _island-_ sized. And that was no metaphor; a titanic _flying_ island that had somehow been retrofitted to serve as a ship that had just flown clean over the summit of Marineford, essentially buzzing the very office of the Fleet Admiral himself.

Sengoku could only glare in furious trepidation at the island-vessel soaring over the weightless battleships, its every motion a sneering taunt directed straight at him. "Damn it all… and so yet another threat comes crawling out of the woodwork. This one hailing from the age of Roger himself."

"Twenty years of silence and he picks _now_ of all times to show his face again?" Garp growled, ignorant of the way his old friend twitched at his words. "One of Roger's own rivals, and the only man to ever manage to escape from the depths of Impel Down…"

The fabled Hero of the Marines glared daggers at the island-ship. Glared at the golden-maned titan he _knew_ was standing on the rear of the vessel, whose condescending _smirk_ he could all but feel in the very depth of his being.

"You haven't missed a step, have you?" Garp shouted up at the island. "Shiki, the Golden Lion!"

" _Jihahahahaaaaa!"_

Both Fleet Admiral and Vice Admiral stiffened at the deep, heavily accented voice that suddenly echoed out over Marineford from the island-ship, freezing many a soldier in their tracks.

"The _hell—?"_ Garp breathed.

" _Myyyy myyyy…"_ gloated the voice, a voice that had last sounded in Marineford twenty-five years prior, bringing as much terror now as it had back then. " _What's this now? I must say, Marineford, I'm quite disappointed! I step out for but a decade or two, and already you've forgotten my name? I come back and find that the fight that once made you all so fearsome has withered up into nothing and that you're concentrating on worthless small fry? That just won't do, you know! After all… I haven't exactly been resting on my laurels for the last twenty years, see; I have_ big _plans, and it's finally time to put them into action. Finally time for the world to remember the sheer power of the Golden Lion Pirates! Ah… but hey, don't just take my word for it…"_

Garp and Sengoku tensed as the air suddenly felt greasy, with a hint of ozone. "Here it comes!" Garp bellowed out.

" _How about I offer you a taste… OF WHAT'S TO COME!"_

Two seconds passed following that announcement. Then, all at once, gravity reasserted itself upon the ten floating battleships. The vessels, sailors and all, plunged downward; some fell into Marineford's bay, the waves from the titanic impacts swamping the shores of the island and dragging countless more doomed soldiers beneath the surface. Others crashed on the land itself, crushing buildings or impacting on the edges of the island before crumpling into splinters.

One vessel careened headlong at the central pagoda of the island, but a swift backhand from the Marine Hero sent the impromptu projectile harmlessly tumbling away. Harmless for the island, mind, not the poor souls who had been trapped on the ship.

Garp spared a second to mourn for the waste of life before glaring at Shiki's retreating vessel, which had left the swath of devastation it had wrought far behind in favor of absconding to the heavens. "Damn it all… why couldn't the son of a bitch just keep quiet and remain a legend?" Garp growled. "What's he been up to? Has he been preparing all this time, just so that he could take his revenge?"

" _JIIIHAHAHAHAHAHA…"_

The laughter echoing over the harbor as the island-ship soared upward, already out of range and soon out of sight, answered Garp's rhetorical question very well.

Once the ship was well out of sight, Garp let out an aggravated sigh and reached up to scratch the back of his head. "Bastard… Well, no matter what he's up to, standing around isn't going to put out any fires. I'm gonna head down, start coordinating search and rescue, repairs, shit like that. At least get us into a _half_ -decent state of affairs before some pirate or whatever gets any bright ideas."

"When you're done with that, Garp, report to me immediately," Sengoku said around the hand massaging his forehead. "As soon as I get a double-dose of my stress medication, I want you to be exactly where I can see you at all times."

"Eh?" Garp blinked at his superior in surprise. "And why the hell's that?"

"Because he gloated."

Garp blinked again. "Uh… come again?"

"Shiki," Sengoku elaborated, his gaze still affixed on the horizon. "Just now, he didn't just attack us like he normally would have. He _gloated_ first. In all our years of fighting him, not once has Shiki ever taken the time to grandstand as he did just now. So… what's changed? What, after twenty long years…" Sengoku's head slowly turned to glance over his shoulder. "Is different?"

Garp followed his old friend's gaze in confusion…

" _SHIT!"_ / " _DAMN IT, GARP!"_

And forced Sengoku to violently restrain him once he realized that Sengoku had been looking at a _Transponder Snail._

"YOU CAN'T JUST GO BARRELING OFF, YOU TITANIC IDIOT!" Sengoku bellowed furiously, very pointedly _not_ using his Devil Fruit abilities in wrestling Garp to the ground to keep him from bolting out the doors and most likely clean off the island.

"THE HELL I CAN'T, BASTARD!" Garp howled."THAT ARROGANT SON OF A BITCH CAN'T STAND THE IDEA OF SOMEONE ELSE IN THE SPOTLIGHT! HE'S STARTING A PISSING MATCH WITH THE STRAW HAT PIRATES! _HE'S GOING AFTER MY GRANDSON!"_

Several floors down from the ongoing madness, Vice Admiral Tsuru gazed mournfully out over the devastated landscape of Marineford. After a few seconds, her gaze shifted, casting a regretful glance at her snoozing Transponder Snail and silently lamenting that it would be many tense hours of lockdown before she'd be able to place a critical call without getting caught.

For the time being, she made a mental note to utilize Monkey's connections to ensure every Mason in both Zodiacs had a White Transponder Snail on hand as soon as possible. She then dialed the number of her surrogate sister, Vice Admiral Gion, to begin mustering as many forces as possible to salvage the drowning Marines; as a Devil Fruit user, there was only so much that the old woman could do herself.

Once that was done, and before she walked out to begin the long night's work, Tsuru cast a final glance out at the sun-baked horizon.

"This," she whispered to herself. "Is going to be an ordeal the likes of which the world has never before seen."

And so with those words did the ordeal begin. And with it… an odyssey.

**The Cross-Brain Presents…**

**Based on the hit-series by Eiichiro Oda…**

**An adaptation of the blockbuster movie…**

**For your enjoyment…**

**STRONG WORLD**

_Flying… floating… drifting… looking… looking… looking… looking down… looking_ **in…**

"Gwegh!"

I woke up with a snort, shooting up in my bed in shock. Slowly, I looked left and right, blinking numbly as I got my bearings, before raising my hands before my eyes to give my fingers a quick test.

Once I was sure they worked, I shook my head blearily. "Frickin' weird double-O.B.E. dreams…" I groused before flopping back. I then blinked as I saw Merry's face looking down on me. With a wide grin that showed only teeth and malice.

"Time to wake up, Cross…" she crooned _ever_ so gently, her tone of voice entirely discordant with her facial expression.

I blinked slowly before settling in with a sigh. "Still such weird dreams…"

"THE HELL IT IS!"

My eyes shot open at the sudden roar. "Wait, wha—?!"

_THWACK!_

" _GAH!"_ I shot up with a howl of agony as a small but heavy mass _cannonballed_ into my stomach. Moving fast, I grabbed her head and tugged her cheeks out with my thumbs. "You little brat!" I wheezed. "What the hell do you have to say for yourself!?"

"Yoah fingersh tashte like shyrup," Merry mumbled out, smiling unabashedly all the while. "You should weally avoid dwinking cola before going to shweep, messhesh your shleep schedule up shomeshing fierche."

"Duly noted," I snarled menacingly, leaning in close so that we were eye to eye. "Now, any last words before I _drown you in the fishtank?"_

"Actually, I have three that will change your mind."

"Eh?" I glanced to the side, boggling in confusion at the sight of Nami, Zoro _and_ Vivi all standing in my room, with Soundbite snickering in Zoro's palm…

_Puru puru puru puru!_

And _ringing_.

"Call for you," Zoro deadpanned.

My stare held for a moment longer, and then I shot Merry a flat glare. "You got lucky, brat."

Her _oh-so-mature_ response was to stick her tongue out with a cocky "Bleeeeeeh".

I snorted and let her go, before rummaging around for some clean… er, for some clothes that didn't smell _too_ bad. "Pick it up, would ya?" I requested.

Vivi rolled her eyes with a weary sigh. "Ever the height of decorum, Cross."

"Piss off, it's not like there's video." Once Soundbite's expression morphed from cockiness to that of whoever'd called, however, I took on a cocky grin of my own. "Hello, you've reached Marine Base G-5's cafeteria; our specialty today is poultry carved in the likenesses of the Straw Hat Pirates. Would you like to purchase Going Merry's head or Roronoa Zoro's?"

The named laughed and flashed me the finger respectively.

"… _I am… conflicted,"_ Tashigi deadpanned.

" _Save your morbid fantasies for later, Pisces,"_ Hina said, her voice as hard as steel. " _Members of the New World Masons, Divine and Damned alike…"_ The Marine's expression darkened noticeably. And it was pretty dark beforehand. " _We have a situation."_

My whole room tensed up instantly, and I hastily slipped on the closest clothes I could grab before planting my ass in my chair, everyone else settling in on the floor or against the wall.

"How bad?" I asked.

" _Bad enough that everyone save Aquarius is present, and the only reason we're not waiting for her any longer is that we can't_ afford _to,"_ she answered. " _I trust you've all been informed of the destruction of Picowana Island?"_

I waited out the sounds of affirmation from everyone before speaking up myself. "Merry told us, yeah. Uninhabited island in the East Blue that got shredded down to the bedrock… and that I know nothing about." I grimaced in dread. "It's happened again, hasn't it?"

Hina nodded, her eyes closing in memory. " _We've confirmed eight islands over the past month, with the five most recent destroyed within the past_ week," she said. " _Tikoshi Island, the Isle of Peridox, the Bullion Atoll, Etonori Island, and Rendion Island. All leveled completely and utterly."_

I could feel my teeth grinding at the revelation, but before I could say anything, I noticed our navigator had suddenly turned an ashen gray _._ "Nami? What's wrong?" I asked. "You know those islands or something?"

Nami nodded jerkily, slowly turning her horrified gaze towards us. "Etonori… and Rendion," she breathed. "Th-Those islands… they… they were _inhabited."_

We all stiffened at the news, the implication as obvious as a sledgehammer to the face.

Barto, in particular, hissed in a breath. " _Capricorn, don't tell me—!"_

Hina's eyes squeezed even tighter together, her jaw visibly clenching. "… _no survivors. I personally combed every square inch of both the islands and any wreckage left, but…"_ She shook her head. " _We were lucky to even find remains that were_ intact, _when we found them at all_. _I… seriously doubt we missed anything alive in that carnage."_

A grave silence hung over us all as we digested that information.

"… _Damn…"_ Lola swallowed heavily. " _That… t-that's just…"_

" _Inexcusable!"_ T-Bone barked, his fists audibly slamming on a surface. " _Such a senseless,_ grievous _waste of life… and there are no clues to who or what is committing these atrocities!?"_

Hina shook her—and by extension, Soundbite's—head. " _Unfortunately, no. There are no traces, no identifying signs, nothing to tie the attacks to anyone. Yet the attacks have two consistencies that show that they are a pattern rather than a simple calamity. The first is exceptionally thorough destruction."_ There was a pause, and her jaw clenched even tighter.

" _And the second is an exception in the devastation_. _On Etonori and Rendion, every trace of civilization was wiped away,_ except _for the docks and the nearby warehouses._ Those _were left intact."_

" _And unless I miss my guess…"_ Foxy spoke up, an uncharacteristically grim glower on his face. " _Those warehouses were_ empty, _weren't they?"_

While Soundbite nodded, Merry tilted her head in confusion. "Er… empty docks?" she asked. "What's so important about that?"

" _Because under normal circumstances, that shouldn't be the case,"_ Dorry rumbled. " _Any town with any sort of ongoing trade should have_ something _in the warehouses, or_ something _sitting on the docks ready to be moved there."_

" _But for the warehouses to be completely empty and the docks untouched, even after such devastation…"_ Broggy trailed off, letting everyone come to the obvious conclusion.

"Pirates…" Vivi said, her hands clenched into trembling fists. "The warehouses were spared during the carnage and then looted _after_ the fact."

" _Same tactics my crew used back in the old days,"_ Foxy confirmed. " _Less destruction and more looting, obviously, but still the same basic premise."_

" _In summary,"_ Jonathan said. " _We have a group of pirates—a word I only use because it means seafaring criminal,"_ he hastily added when every one of us buccaneers present scowled at the implication. " _Who are scouring islands down to the bedrock, and who have recently escalated to attacking civilians and stealing everything of worth in the process, with no evidence of the attacks stopping any time soon. Worse, it appears that they're only_ beginning." Jonathan let out a weary sigh and shook his head. " _I think it goes without saying that this is a threat we need to take very seriously."_

For a long moment, the only sound was the creaking of the Sunny around us.

Finally, Vivi groaned and began to massage the bridge of her nose. "Anubis and Osiris below, I thought I'd left this kind of madness behind in Baroque Works…"

"Hell of a lot of trouble for a smash and grab, though, isn't it?" Zoro muttered to himself.

" _Unfortunately, Capricorn must agree with Sidewinder,"_ Hina stated. " _But_ only _on the first half of his statement. It_ was _a lot of trouble… but Capricorn does_ not _think the looting was the goal."_

The mood darkened significantly as the statement sunk in.

"… _what are you saying, Capricorn?"_ Tashigi breathed weakly.

" _I think you know exactly what I mean. All of you,"_ Hina explained, Soundbite's teeth grinding furiously on a cigarette he didn't have. " _I will add that the ships in those ports escaped complete destruction by virtue of being underwater when the destruction began."_

Silence, for all of a second, and then, there was thunder.

"They were aiming for the _civilians,"_ Nami growled, a dark malevolence in her eye, voice, and the pitch-black, streaked-with-lightning Eisen Cloud filling the room with the stench of ozone. "Their goal was to _destroy the islands,_ and the looting was just a _bonus."_

" _Like a few other islands I'm sure all of us could name,"_ Smoker rumbled murderously.

As impossible as it seemed, the mood darkened even further at the reminder. " _Bastards,"_ Tashigi spat, her eyes gleaming venomously.

" _Damn…"_ Apoo shook his head in disbelief. " _I've clashed with some psychopaths before, but whoever's doing_ this _has to be some seriously special brand of twisted."_

_SLAM!_ "ENOUGH!"

We—that is, we Straw Hats—all jumped at the impact that suddenly shook the room, and our attention was dragged over to Merry, her clenched fist planted against the wall and indignant rage wracking her small frame.

"Enough," she repeated, flames flickering in her eyes. Literally. "Enough talking about what these bastards _did,_ enough speculating about what they're _going_ to do. It's too late to save the dead, and the future doesn't matter because we are going to _stop_ these bastards before they strike again. What matters here is the _present:_ what's being _done_ right now?"

Hina's response was to huff and glance aside. " _At the moment, Capricorn and her men are analyzing the affected islands to see if we can turn up any more clues to a trail or culprits. Headquarters, meanwhile, has acknowledged the gravity of the threat, and made it the Navy's top priority; any available battleships on this side of the Red Line are making all speed for the East Blue as we speak. But…"_ The energy seemed to drain Hina, and her gaze became downcast. " _Even with all these resources… Capricorn… Capricorn has her doubts."_

Another bout of uncomfortable silence fell over the room, but this one was swiftly filled by a harsh clap, and going by the fangs Soundbite was sporting, it looked like it was Bartolomeo who'd delivered it.

" _Well, at least we ain't going into this shitshow alone, right?"_ he proudly declared. " _All for one, one for all!"_

" _Huh?"_ T-Bone blinked in surprise. " _Rooster, what are you—?"_

" _It's obvious, ain't it?"_ Barto snorted. " _C'mon, I might be a bloodthirsty, booze-swilling, ship-bumping pirate, but the East Blue's still my turf too, ya know! I've still got the rest of my boys there, family! I'm not just gonna leave 'em out 'ta dry! I'll call 'em, get them to put their ears to the ground. Anybody doesn't feel like sharing with you white hats, they'll share with us!"_

" _Same here!"_ Foxy nodded in agreement. " _I've got feelers all up and down Paradise, I'll reach out and see if they can turn anything up!"_

" _And we'll shake some trees too!"_ Dorry chimed. " _Not only is Water 7 a major trade hub even with the blockade up, but we've had giants streaming in to join the crew! Something like this isn't easy to set up, so if there've been any rumblings over the past few years, we'll find out!"_

" _No matter what might come, we won't back down until the job is done and it's done right!"_ Broggy concurred, a loud thump indicating he'd pounded his chest. " _That's the Giant Warrior way!"_

" _You… you all…"_ Tashigi breathed, moisture building in her eyes.

" _What, you're surprised? Didn't expect this of us? APAPAPA!"_ Apoo cackled. " _Of course you didn't! And why's that? Because we're_ pirates! _We don't play by the rules, so you never know what we'll do! Apapapa!"_

While there was a general rumble of agreement and support, I was less focused on what was being said and more on my crewmates. Or rather, on my crewmates' faces. Merry, Nami, Zoro… they all looked somewhat mollified by the support everyone else was giving, but even I could see the tension hidden below the surface. The _worry._

And seeing that… I knew there was only one thing I could do.

"Chin up, Marine," I said with the utmost seriousness. "We've got a job to do."

Everyone turned to me in surprise. "I actually meant to talk to you about cutting down on the taunting," Merry breathed, a tinge of awe coloring her voice. "And you're doing it already."

" _Did someone replace Ophiuchus's brain when we weren't looking?"_ Smoker said without a hint of jest.

"Oh, come on!" I snapped. "I will admit, shamelessly, that I love messing with people as much as Soundbite does—"

" _ **You wi~sh,"**_ Soundbite sang tauntingly.

"—but you all know that I'm completely capable of turning serious if the situation demands it." I shook my head. "And believe me, the less often that happens, the better. You wouldn't—" I cut myself off, but then grimaced and turned to glare at my slyly grinning snail; there really wasn't a better way to phrase it. "Alright, fine. Say it."

" _You wouldn't like me when I'm angry,"_ Soundbite intoned.

"Yeah, that," I nodded at him before adopting a vicious grin. "And whoever's pulling this shit? They'll like us all even less when Sunny comes _roaring_ over the horizon."

If my words hadn't before, _that_ sentence locked everyone's attention on me.

"Cross, what—!?" Vivi started to splutter.

Started, because my raised hand shut her up. "Look," I said placatingly. "I know I'm not the captain, I know I technically can't make that call, but the East Blue is the home of a quarter of our crew, it's our _alma mater,_ and _damn it all,_ this is the exact kind of shit the Straw Hat Pirates _do not let fly!"_ I punctuated my statement by slamming my fist on my desk… an action I sorely regretted, considering I hadn't put my gauntlets on. Still, even as I resisted the urge to curl up in a ball in favor of cradling my hand, I continued on. "I bet anything that if we bring this up to Luffy, he'll be all for it. From there… it's just a matter of sailing north, hopping the Calm Belt, and raising ten different kinds of hell until we're finished."

My crewmates exchanged looks of uncertainty, thought, and most of all, _hope._

Still…

"But… what about our journey, Cross?" Nami asked hesitantly. "You really think we can just… _start over?"_

…oh, like _hell_ I was letting that pass by me.

"Hmm…" I made a show of humming to myself, clasping my hands and tapping my index fingers against my chin in thought. "Yessss, I suppose that _would_ be an issue, wouldn't it? Now if only, if _only_ we were _veterans_ of Paradise, experienced enough in these waters that we could travel these seas in basically no time at all, with _no_ trouble whatsoever! And what a _boon_ it would be if we _just so happened_ to know some people whose ships can _magically_ cross the Calm Belt at their leisure, without so much as a spot of trouble!" I stuck my grinning face in Soundbite's, raising my hand in a conspiratorial manner. _"Hint-hint!"_ I stage-whispered.

" _Cross is back~!"_ the whole of the Zodiac of the Damned sang-laughed.

"Asshole," Nami sighed, shaking her head.

"Should have seen that coming," Vivi snickered in response, which got our navigator shooting a half-hearted half-glare at both her and our guffawing helmsgirl.

" _Mrrrgh… well, at least I'm not_ entirely _on the receiving end for once…"_ Tashigi grinned, though one corner of her mouth was periodically twitching.

_"Cross,"_ Jonathan sternly interjected. " _I hope you have an idea for how to get there other than using the Marines' sea prism stone hulls. Every ship in Paradise is under tight watch and it would be a nightmare explaining a missing one, at least until_ after _this crisis is resolved. I'm not saying you can't rely on us, we won't hesitate if it's the only option. But if you do, it's going to be a lot of potential trouble; in the worst case, one of us may even have to go public with our rebellion."_

"I have a couple of alternatives lined up, don't worry," I assured everyone. "Rooster, fill… Cobra or Anaconda in on the situation, whoever's available. We may need their help."

_"Oh, no need for that."_

The sudden shift in Bartolomeo's tone made everyone else wince in anticipation.

_"Gimme a second,"_ a gruff voice suddenly grunted.

_SLAM-SLAM-SLAM-_ SLAM! " _GAH!"_

Followed shortly by the sound of Bartolomeo getting a four-man round of 'concussive maintenance' performed on him.

"I DIDN'T EVEN GET STARTED YET, PISSWHISKEY!" Barto roared at his first mate.

_"I've got a lot of bars I like back there, asshole, you're not starting_ ever _until this is over and done with!"_ Gin growled right back.

_"_ … _Fine,"_ Barto snorted. " _Asshole. Anyway, Cross, our crew got friendly with the Calm Belt's Sea Kings during the sack of Enies—long story, don't ask, still hammering out details on the whole thing—and I'm sure we could get you through the Calm Belt and back. Where do we meet up?"_

"Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves," I said. "We need to tell the rest of the crew first."

"And figure out where the hell we are, too," Nami interjected.

I winced. "And… that, yeah."

_"Fair 'nuff. We'll wait for your call. So unless anyone else's got something to say…?"_ Barto glanced left and right.

" _Just this,"_ Smoker said, glaring at everyone on the call. " _Everybody watch their backs. Something tells me that we're venturing into something this world has never seen before._ "

There was a general rumble of agreement as everyone checked out to attend to their assigned tasks.

_"See you on the flipside, Straw Hats,"_ Barto saluted before he too departed, leaving us alone.

My confidants and I exchanged looks before letting out a myriad of sighs and groans and slumps to the nearest hard surface.

"So, we're facing an ocean-threatening disaster by genocidal pirates, completely and utterly outside of Cross's foresight," Merry summarized. "On a scale of Whiskey Peak to Enies Lobby, how much of a problem does that make this?"

"My guess?" I said around my molars gnawing on my cheek. "Thriller 2, Rotting Boogaloo."

Vivi and Nami both groaned. "Freaking. _Perfect,"_ they sighed in synch, hands clutching their scars.

"Let's just get this over with. At least there'll be a decent fight out of it," Zoro said as he climbed out, my other adjutants on his trail.

Before following him, I made a stop by my desk. "All hands on deck, emergency meeting," I said into my pipes. I was about to head out for real when a thought occurred to me and I moved back to the comms. "And when I say emergency, I mean _worldwide_ emergency, not _we're-out-of-prime-cuts_ emergency, _so move your asses!_ " _Then_ I headed out, the sound of doors opening echoing below the ladder I used to descend. Not ten seconds after I touched the deck, everyone was out with all eyes on me.

"Bad news from the rest of the world, Captain, and with your permission, we'd like to get the entire crew working on it," I said.

"Uh… how bad exactly?" Luffy queried.

"Bad," was all Zoro said.

That drew a surprised look from our captain before he slapped on his dead-serious face and nodded at me.

Permission granted, I clapped my hands to get everyone's attention. "Alright, everyone, _listen up!_ As of today, we've learned that the East Blue is officially in crisis mode. As we speak, islands are being _leveled_ one by one _._ " As I spoke, I began pacing back and forth. "Close to a _dozen_ islands annihilated over the last month, all in the East Blue, and recently the islands have begun having people on them. Whoever's doing this—and I am _confident_ that they are a who—they're only getting started."

The rest of the crew stared at me in horror.

"East Blue…" Usopp wheezed. "H-Have they hit—?"

"None of ours," Merry quickly assured him.

"Not _yet,"_ Nami pointed out.

Apparently, that did _little_ to reassure our sniper. "Kaya…"

Sanji, meanwhile, glanced aside, no doubt thinking of his family at the Baratie. And going by the way Luffy tilted his hat down to shadow the newly born scowl on his face, he had some names in mind, too.

I gave everyone a moment to stew on that and then raised a placating hand. "The Navy is looking into matters as we speak, giving the matter their full attention," I explained, before slowly looking at Luffy. "But the fact is, I seriously doubt anyone is satisfied with just that. Captain, I _have_ a way of getting us through the Calm Belt and back, and as far as I'm aware we won't be missing anything truly critical if we were to take a detour. But… this is still a decision you, as the captain, need to make."

In an instant, the crew snapped into serious mode. All attention turned to our captain, and everybody waited in patient silence as he mulled matters over. Luffy didn't even need a minute before he looked straight up at us.

"Nami," he ordered firmly, steel glinting in his eyes. "Set a course. We're going back, to the East Blue!"

The mood shifted into bloodthirsty, edge-of-the-blade anticipation; I would have grinned if the cause was less grim, but at the moment all I could manage was to grit my teeth in determination. "Alright, first things first: Let's find out just where the… hell… we oh what the _fuuuuuck_ …"

Why did I trail off like that? Well, the absolutely _ludicrous_ sight above me that had everyone staring in wide-eyed confusion probably had something to do with it.

Somewhere in the back of my stunned mind, I reached a simple conclusion.

Apparently, Paradise had absolutely _no_ intention of letting the New World top its madness without one _hell_ of a fight.

**-ONE WEEK LATER-**

For all its insanity, the Grand Line was still a vast ocean; some areas made the worst parts of the Blues look tranquil, while others would have been right at home in said Blues, and could be even considered normal. One such island, Barcanallia Island, was equal parts forest and town, unremarkable in all aspects, with a simple economy based on the crops and game the inhabitants could bring in.

Islands such as this were truly ideal locations, whether to kick up your feet and relax in peace or to get some time away from the prying eyes of either the public or one's superiors.

"Hmmmph…"

Case in point.

"How vexing…" exhaled the frowning frame of Captain T-Bone over the sound of a whetstone grinding the edge of his blade.

Seagirl Recruit Yoko winced, both in response to her superior's sigh and in response to the trio of ridiculously overpowered ex-assassins kicking her mega-sized insectoid best friend into the ground.

And all without using their Zoan forms, at that!

"Sorry, Captain, Boss still isn't used to fighting anyone close to his level, let alone three at once," Yoko apologized, glancing back at him from the fight that was going on and then blinking. "Oh, sorry, did you mean your sword?"

"No, neither the blade nor the brawl is what is troubling me, Yoko," the Captain sighed, continuing to grind at the whetstone. "What troubles me is the exact same issue that has been troubling you for the past week."

Yoko's mood visibly dropped at the reminder. "The Straw Hats."

"Indeed," T-Bone nodded solemnly. "Any period of silence from Jeremiah Cross is worrying in and of itself, but given the circumstances of the silence this time around…"

"I-I'm sure they're alright!" the young girl hastily stated, though her expression made it clear that she was as much trying to raise her own spirits as his. "I-I mean, I know that last SBS _sounded_ pretty bad and… and sure, they got their asses kicked pretty hard, but—!…but… ah…" Yoko slowly lowered her head, a miserable grimace on her face. "I'll stop talking now, sir."

T-Bone sighed and shook his head, his focus back on his attempt to distract himself. The Straw Hats would bounce back… surely they would.

Yoko, for her part, returned her attention to Boss, which did a lot more to distract her than T-Bone's whetstone did him. She had learned of CP9's existence from Cross, but the full story of what was now Jormungandr only became known to her when she witnessed the most terrifying man she'd ever seen bring a report to T-Bone regarding CP4. Said man was among the three Zoans sparring with her close friend, whose scarred carapace was growing even more scarred from the barrages, his horns, feelers, and fire struggling to keep up with the limber assassins.

Yoko winced as a blade of wind put a particularly large dent into her friend's side. His next molting was going to be something to witness.

And once again, this was without using their Devil Fruit powers. She thanked her lucky stars three times a day that they were on her side… or at least that Lucci considered the hell T-Bone would give him more trouble than knocking her block off would be worth.

Yoko shivered and chased _that_ particularly dismal thought away, and instead cast a despairing glance skyward. "To think, I'm actually starting to _miss_ that damn suicidal idiot lightening the mood with his insanity," she groaned. Then she gained a thoughtful expression. "Damn it, Cross, where the _hell_ are you?"

T-Bone let out another sigh before sheathing his newly sharpened sword and rising to his feet. "While I share your concerns, Seagirl, our duties yet remain. For the moment, we must concentrate on the task at hand. That being said, where is… ah, there's Knalf."

The Warrant Officer jogged up to his commanding officer and hastily skidded to a halt before giving him a salute and breathless report. "Captain T-Bone! Situation in the town square! You're going to want to see this immediately, sir!"

The two Marines exchanged a concerned look, and then Yoko blew out a sharp whistle. Immediately, the brawl ceased, Boss splitting off from his opponents to fly over to her… while his erstwhile opponents vanished into the shadows.

Yoko shuddered at the sight. "Said it before, saying it again: _so creepy."_

"You could learn to do it as well, you know," T-Bone remarked, a slight smirk tugging at his mouth.

The 180 was immediate. "Then in that case, so cool!" Yoko cheered. "But for now!" The girl clambered up onto Boss Kabuto's back and slapped at his shell. "I'll settle for the express! Let's go-go-go!"

The colossal beetle immediately zoomed off, leaving T-Bone to shake his head in amusement before jogging after them.

The source of Knalf's urgency was obvious once they reached the town's square. The locals had all congregated around a pair of rather unexpected sights in their town. The first was mundane enough: a large projection screen that had most definitely _not_ been present a few minutes prior. The second, however, was far more unusual: a large, _person-_ sized crate made of metal just randomly sitting in the town's square.

"Ooookay…" Yoko said as she walked around the crate, one hand scratching under her cap. "Thiiis isn't something you see every day…"

"Where did these items come from, Officer?" Captain T-Bone queried.

"Uh… I actually think they've been here for a while now, sir. See this?" The Warrant Officer indicated several pieces of splintered, shattered scattered around the screen and crate. "If I remember right, there were some wooden crates here when we docked yesterday. We've asked around, and apparently they were first seen here all of three days ago. However, nobody can seem to recall who _left_ them there, just that they were left lying around, and then they suddenly burst open a few minutes ago! That screen unfolded, and the other crate… well, exposed the _other_ crate. The metal one, I mean."

"Hrm…" T-Bone scratched his chin, looking the box over. "And I take it you haven't had any luck opening it?"

"Can't even _move_ it!" Knalf huffed in exasperation. "The damn thing's been bolted to the ground!"

"Oh, but we _can_ look into it! There's an opening here, see?" Yoko piped up, pointing out the small opening, on the side facing the screen. Her report made, the girl stood on her tiptoes to try and peer into the slot. "Now, let's see just what's going on in this— _GAH!"_ The second she got a look inside, Yoko jerked back and fell on her ass in shock.

"Seagirl Yoko! Are you alright?" one of the nearby soldiers asked, helping the shell-shocked girl sit up straight.

"Uh… kinda-sorta?" she said, fumbling to re-straighten her cap. "I, uh… you know that saying, about looking into the abyss and all that?"

"Yes…?" T-Bone tentatively said.

Yoko looked up at him, eyes wild. "Well, I don't know if it's the abyss in there, but _something_ sure looked back at me!"

"You mean there's someone in there!?"

"Er, no, I don't think so!" Yoko clarified. "Like I said, some- _thing._ I'm pretty certain it wasn't human. Ah, hey, you!" She pointed at the soldier holding her up. "Help me up, would you? I need another look."

The Marine hastily complied, giving Yoko a literal hand up so that she could peer into the crate again.

"Yup, definitely something! A _familiar_ something!" Yoko reported. "There's a Transponder Snail in here!"

"…you're serious," T-Bone deadpanned.

"I do my best to act professional _and_ I've been staring at snails for a week, I'm both serious and certain!" was the answer, accompanied by an imperious sniff. That lasted all of two seconds before Yoko glanced away with a sheepish expression. "Thooough I'll admit, I had no idea they could _get_ this big!"

T-Bone narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "Wait, big—? Are you saying that it fills the entire crate?"

"Um…" Yoko looked back into the crate and nodded in confirmation. "Yup! He is a _big_ sucker! And…" She took a tentative whiff of the air and promptly reeled back. "Whoo, he certainly _smells_ like he's been in here for a while! But _why—?"_

**FLASH!**

" _GAH!"_ Yoko howled as she fell back again, clawing at her eyes. "AGAIN? SERIOUSLY!?"

"Compose yourself, Seagirl!"

"Grgh, s-sorry sir," Yoko grumbled, blinking her eyes in an effort to rid herself of the spots plaguing her vision. "Just got surprised, is all. What hit me?"

" _That_ is a question we'd all like an answer to."

In lieu of questioning her superior, Yoko followed his gaze once her vision cleared up. The light was still coming from the box, and she turned around to find that the container—or rather the Transponder Snail within—was projecting an image onto the projector screen that had accompanied it.

The image displayed on the screen was unlike anything that most of those watching had ever seen or experienced. Visual Snails were rarely used to begin with, but for those that did use them, there was a certain expectation: if the snail sending the transmission wasn't stationary, then its movements were no faster than expected from an average human. And, of course, that meant that one could expect to see no significant and abrupt change in elevation.

This broadcast blew all of those expectations out of the water; the projector screen was showing a bird's eye view of a lush jungle, bobbing and weaving of the viewpoint enough to threaten the watchers with dizziness or loss of lunch. Then the view began closing in on the jungle, the point of view coming to rest in a branch of one of the treetops, before surveying the surrounding area.

Then, as the view peered down into a small pond beneath the tree, the audience received the answer to the first question on their minds. The reflection in the water showed a dark-colored bird of prey with what looked like a mane of gold around its neck—a golden eagle, as muttered by a local birdwatcher ("I keep telling you, it's 'Ornithologist'!" "Shut it, Jerry!") in the audience. The eagle wore a peculiar harness around its torso, which kept a Transponder Snail in a glass case attached to its chest.

While that answered one question, several still remained, but no more answers seemed to be forthcoming; from what the audience could see, it seemed to just be giving a good perspective on nature. The lush trees, the serene pool, the blossoming plants, the sounds of wildlife… though said sounds made it seem like there were rather ferocious animals out there. And they were growing louder, with crashing sounds coming across the connection.

Then, all at once, the foliage began shaking, which intensified for a few moments before it split apart, and out ran—

" _RUUUUN!"_

"LUFFY!" Yoko cried, jerking forward.

And indeed, it was the captain of the Straw Hat Pirates in all his glory. His tarnished, bedraggled and mud-caked glory, mind you. Sure, his outfit was a bit different than most knew, having swapped out his red vest for a blue one and donned an aviator's cap beneath his eponymous hat, but it was _definitely_ him.

And yet, also, unlike his usual cheerful self, Luffy was wearing a somewhat panicked look as he shot out from the underbrush and ran across the clearing as though hell were on his ass.

" _They're right behind us!"_ the world-famous pirate shouted over his shoulder.

Seconds later, he received a response in the form of a blur shooting out of the section of jungle he'd emerged from—

_SLAM!_ " _GAH!"_

And slamming into a nearby tree, where the blur coalesced into a physical and… rather _irritable_ form. " _Yeah, like I hadn't noticed!"_

[Boss D!] Boss Kabuto warbled in shock.

They were two-for-two on Straw Hat sightings, as the impromptu projectile indeed turned out to be the captain of the Straw Hat's Dugong-composed guard. The amphibious Boss had also undergone a fashion makeover, with a leather, fang-embossed fedora ("It's called an aussie—!" "No one wants to hear it, ya damn hat-lover!" "That's 'millinophile' to you!" "I SAID CRAM IT!") on his skull in place of his usual bandanna, which he'd tied around his neck to act as a camo neckerchief. He'd also put on a leathery vest and equipped a pair of crocodile-scaled leather bracers.

" _Argh, damn bastards hit like Sea Kings!"_ Boss Dugong growled, shoving himself out of the tree trunk he'd been slammed into and rubbing his skullplate irritably.

" _And they've got the attitude to match!"_

" **THEY'RE NOT LETTING UP!"**

"Cross," T-Bone said with narrowed eyes, not particularly surprised at the third and final person that charged into the clearing and skidded to a halt; animals speaking was a tell-tale sign that the Voices of Anarchy weren't far away.

The third and apparently final member of the group was particularly disheveled, his eyes frantic and his head on a swivel. He'd tied his hoodie around his waist, turned his cap around so that it was facing backward, and had donned a black tank top that featured the outline of a black horse rearing up in front of a pair of golden scales that had the words 'BLACK' and 'FAMINE' placed in its left and right dishes, respectively.

"Eesh, they look like they've gone through hell…" Yoko winced sympathetically.

"But the question is, just where the hell _is_ that hell?!" another soldier wondered.

In addition to his harried look, Cross already had his cannon-dog armed and at the ready, and the second he slid into the clearing he fired off round after round into the jungle he'd come out of. " _Cani-Cannon, cannon, cannon,_ BLAST!" Cross capped off his barrage of explosive ordinance with a pillar of superheated air that set a whole swathe of vegetation ablaze.

However, even with the wave of destruction he'd just caused, Cross's panic didn't abate an iota. Instead, it just seemed to mount further as he stumbled back from the scorching jungle. " _Son of a_ bitch _, they just keep coming!"_

_"THEN WE GOTTA KEEP RUNNING!"_ Luffy shouted over his shoulder, waving his arm for his crew to follow and jogging in place with obvious impatience.

_"YEAH, THAT'S GONNA BE HARD, REAL HARD!_ _ **WE'RE coming up on**_ THE EDGE AGAIN!" Soundbite announced through a terrified grimace.

_"Son of a bitch,_ again!?" Boss growled, dragging his flippers down his face. " _At least tell me there's somewhere to land this time, I'm still feeling the burn from the last near miss!"_

Yoko exchanged confused looks with T-Bone and mouthed the word 'land?', to which the Captain could only respond with a confused shake of his head.

Meanwhile, Soundbite glanced side to side frantically before nodding in confirmation. " _We're good!"_

_"Then let's go!"_ Boss shouted out, charging after Luffy.

_"After you, Captain!"_ Cross shouted, following after his crewmates as well.

Luffy, at this point, was already deep in the surrounding underbrush. " _COME ON!"_ he roared

All of a sudden, the viewpoint lurched as the video-snail's mount took off from its perch and soared after the Straw Hats. The shift in perspective allowed the viewers to watch the Straw Hats charge straight towards a shockingly sudden cutoff in the landscape that led clean into the void.

"Are they _seriously_ going to jump off a cliff!?" one of the island's civilians demanded.

"This would not be anywhere even _close_ to the craziest thing the Straw Hats have ever done," Yoko deadpanned in response.

_"HERE WE GO!"_ Luffy roared as he jumped over the edge.

Boss punched the air as he jumped after his captain. " _LET'S DO THIS!"_

_"THIS IS GONNA SUCK SO HARD!"_ Cross wailed from the rear.

Once the pirates leaped, the snail soared over the edge after them, and everyone watching was struck dumb.

"…I stand corrected _,"_ Yoko breathed, her eyes glued to the screen. "This? _This_ takes the cake."

"No kidding… Freaking hell, no one told me that Devil Fruits were such great tools for real estate," another Marine muttered. T-Bone made a mental note to pursue that line of thought later.

But for now, he was a little too awestruck by the fact that the Straw Hats were jumping off of not only a cliff, but an _island_ , and that they were falling towards neither the ocean, nor the clouds… but instead yet _another_ island that they could see was floating in the heavens. One island amongst many, even! And it wasn't a group of sky islands composed of island-clouds, oh no; it was all dirt and stone and lots of lush jungle, simply levitating in the air.

And that was all that the watchers needed to see to understand exactly what was going on, and what had happened with the Straw Hats over the last week.

"They're… trapped in the sky…" a Marine breathed in disbelief.

"It's like there's a whole other world, just… _floating_ up there!" a civilian concurred.

Captain T-Bone frowned in thought, orders to his men on his lips, when he stiffened in realization and hastily grabbed the hilt of his sword. "Sorry about this," he hissed apologetically before whipping his blade out—

_CRACK! "Gwowowooooh…"_

—and downing Boss Kabuto with a single smooth swing that struck the back of all the titan-beetle's legs at once.

"BOSS!" Yoko cried in panic, hastily running up to her friend and clutching his horn comfortingly. "Oh my—Captain, why on earth would you _do_ that!?"

"For his own good, Seagirl," T-Bone sighed regretfully. "Look at your friend. What do you see?"

"I-I—! He's…" Yoko looked into her large friend's eyes, and audibly swallowed at the haunted look in them. "He… was about to _bolt,_ wasn't he?"

"And most likely leave a trail of destruction in his wake, yes," T-Bone nodded. "I'm sorry, Seagirl, but I did what I had to do, for his sake as much as ours."

"Oh, no… I remember this…" Yoko breathed in terror. "Boss… h-he was like this back when I first met him, afraid, panicking… b-but why—?! Damn it, could this get any worse!?"

"Oh, _holy shit!"_

Yoko jumped at the sudden cry and looked around. Most of the rest of the audience was doing the same and soon zeroed in on the man scanning the sky with binoculars.

"What is _wrong_ with you, Jerry? This isn't the time for—"

"Transponder Snails have a _limited range,_ idiot! Adult-Audios might be able to go worldwide, but Visuals can only go so far! That means that that floating archipelago _and_ the Straw Hats are somewhere close by!"

"No, it doesn't… there's another option."

A soft yet scared voice redirected everyone's attention once more.

"Yoko?" T-Bone asked his young subordinate, concern written on his features.

The young Marine tugged nervously at her collar at all the attention. "There's one way a Transponder Snail can hit way above its own weight class, remember?"

T-Bone's already gaunt expression paled as he put the remaining pieces together.

"And we _know_ who has it," Yoko continued dully. "And he wouldn't use it to just broadcast this to _one_ island. Unless I'm way off the mark…" The girl trailed off in favor of watching the Straw Hats plummet towards the impossible canopy floating below them.

"That _bastard_ is putting this show on for the _world,"_ T-Bone finished with a disgusted glower, turning on his heel and marching off. "Knalf, Yoko, gather the troops and return to the ship. Headquarters will be calling with our marching orders any second, and I have news to share with them…" He shot a grim look at his insectoid subordinate, who was still shuddering and warbling in terror.

"News with disturbing implications."

**-o-**

"Geez, this is nuts! Easily the craziest shit Luffy's ever gotten involved in, no question."

"What about the time he and the other two monsters fell down that rabbit hole and swore they found a land of fairy tales and wonder?"

"First, we _proved_ they just got high off the shroom-spores they kicked up when they fell. And second—!"

_WHAM!_

"GAH!"

"SECOND, YOU BASTARDS HAD BETTER GET BACK TO WORK BEFORE I POUND YOUR SKULLS INTO YOUR CHESTS!"

"YES, DADAN!"

Dadan snorted furiously as two of her mooks _employees_ canned the chattering and got back to serving the sudden rush of customers her newborn bar was experiencing.

"They _are_ right, you know."

The bandit queen sighed and slapped a hand to her face. "Et tu, Makino?"

The kindly barkeeper gave her new friend a smile, though that didn't slow the stream of refreshments. "Well, in all fairness, this _is_ pretty high on the scale of madness that Luffy has been involved in, no?"

"Mmph… yeah, that's for damn sure," Dadan grunted in acknowledgement. Her eyes drifted up to the impromptu screen she'd set up in her bar, Luffy and friends still freefalling. "Still, that's no excuse for those morons to squander good business!"

"Speaking of which…" Mayor Woop Slap turned in his chair to eye the metal crate from which the show was projecting. "Where _did_ you get that Visual Snail, anyway? Odd enough that one showed up in our village, but I don't see how _you_ could have gotten one!"

"Oh, it's not ours!" Dogra piped up while he swung by the bar to pick up another tray of drinks. "We, uh, _found it_ in the main plaza of Goa Kingdom. It wasn't doing them any good, sooo—!"

"Say no more!" Woop Slap yelped almost desperately.

And luckily for him, Jeremiah Cross chose that moment to say something, effectively aborting any more incriminating comments.

_"SOUNDBITE!"_ Cross shouted, so as to be heard over the wind rushing around him. _"HOW'S IT LOOKING DOWN THERE?!"_

_"Uhhh…"_ The snail crossed its eyes as it stared down—up?— at the ground. " **Good news, it sounds pretty calm, SO MAYBE WE CAN CATCH OUR—!"**

_"BWOOOOH! BWOOOOH!"_

The bar-goers jumped in shock when… _some_ kind of horn-like sound bellowed out.

"What on earth—?!" Makino wondered.

"NOT A-FREAKING-GAIN!" Soundbite wailed mournfully. " _THEY JUST_ _**raised the alarm, WE'RE FALLING INTO A MEATGRINDER!"**_

_"Tcheh! Well, at least things won't be_ boring!" Boss growled. One flipper slammed into the other, and he flipped into an upright position. _"Alright, Cross, I'll help slow you down and—!"_

_FWOOM!_

"—GAHAHAHAHAAAaaaaa!"

Abruptly and without any apparent catalyst, the Dugong was blasted away from his crewmates by a fat load of nothing. The watchers blinked dumbly, including the ones on the screen. Cross snapped out of it first.

_"OH, YOU HAVE_ GOT _TO BE KIDDING ME!"_ Cross screamed, flailing his arms in terror at the fast-approaching foliage. " _LUUUUFFYYYYY!"_

_"HANG ON!"_ The Rubber-Man angled himself so that he was positioned below the anarchist. " _ALRIGHT, GUM-GUM!"_

"They're going to crash!" Woop Slap exclaimed.

"We're talking about Luffy here, old man. You know, the _rubber man?"_ Magra drawled.

"And the human being who _isn't_ rubber?!"

Magra cocked an eyebrow at the mayor. "Aren't you the one always harping on about how the Straw Hats should just hurry up and bite the big one?!"

"…fair point. LET HIM SPLAT, LUFFY!"

"Mayor!" Makino exclaimed, scandalized. Thankfully, Luffy chose that moment to do what he did best and directly counteract the wishes of those who wished him and his ill.

_"BALLOON!"_

Mere meters from the unforgiving ground, Luffy's body distended to a massive size. When Cross slammed into him, rather than ending up flatter than a pancake, he simply sank into Luffy's inflated flesh.

…and then he _kept_ sinking, deeper and deeper.

"Uh… didn't something like this happen with Ace?" Mogra questioned nervously.

Dadan's only response was to slap a hand to her face.

Apparently Cross had caught on by as well, as his flailing only intensified within the folds of his captain's body. " _EXH'LE! EXH'LE! L'FFY, YU HAF TO—!"_

_BOING!_

_"_ — _EAAAAARGH!"_

"…That almost looks like fun," someone muttered.

The view followed Cross as he flew into the air. The onlookers watched as he flailed a hand in his belt, which once he managed to do so shot out a grappling hook that lodged in a nearby branch, and altered Cross's flightpath.

"…Where does he get those wonderful toys?"

"Prolly the long-nose sniper guy and the cyborg, remember?"

"Oh, right."

The new flight path took Cross up through the foliage, and when he hit the peak of his arc, he grabbed onto a nearby vine, detached his grapple, and swung even further. Two more vines later, he finally let go and landed on a particularly thick tree branch.

Well… 'landed' was a bit of a misnomer. He still had a notable amount of velocity left over from his flight, and so when he touched down he was forced to keep running in an effort to bleed out his momentum, lest he wipe out entirely.

It was through no small feat of balance and quick reflexes that Cross managed to stay upright through his little run, jumping over several gaps between the branches. Eventually, however, Cross's luck ran out: the trail of branches suddenly broke off into a sharp drop, and Cross still had momentum to burn.

The world-infamous pirate tried his best to brake himself, and he _almost_ managed it, too, arms cartwheeling as he desperately tried to balance at the edge of the precipice. However, it was not enough: the panic in Cross's eyes was obvious as he lost his balance, started to pitch forward—

_CHOMP!_ "GRK!"

And suddenly, that fate ceased to be as Cross's cannon leaped off his back, assumed his hybrid-form, and sank his teeth into the seat of Cross's pants, holding his master _just_ shy of the drop.

Soundbite—who'd been shivering in terror on his partner's shoulder— allowed himself to relax, his eyestalks drooping in relief. _"Hooooly_ SHIT **that was cl** — _MRPH!?"_

" _Shhhh!"_ Cross hushed furiously, one finger pressed to his lips while his other hand clamped Soundbite's mouth shut. In response to his snail's confused look, Cross _slowly_ used his free finger to point downwards.

The snail looked in the direction his friend indicated and stiffened in terror.

The bar collectively blinked in surprise, minds a-whirl trying to figure out what could cause such a reaction.

"Well, looks like _something's_ got Cross spooked," Magra stage-whispered.

"Yeah, but what?" Dogra replied.

As if on cue, the Visual Snail's view panned down to the jungle floor, revealing that the object of the pirates' terror was—!

Dadan blinked in disbelief. "That kid gives the Marines a verbal black eye every week with a grin…" she said slowly. "And yet he's absolutely _terrified_ of a _bunny rabbit?"_

"In all fairness, it's, uh… a very _big_ bunny?" Makino tried.

And indeed, it _was_ quite the large rabbit, at least as large as a human being, but size aside the critter appeared to be your average, everyday rabbit, with its white fur flecked with brown spots that rippled as it hopped about the jungle floor.

"Hey, c'mon, rabbits are tough little things!" one of their Gray Terminal customers shouted. "Seriously, Dadan, you really don't remember that cat that got gutted by one a few years back?"

Dadan was about to respond, but before she could, the sound of trees cracking and the earth shattering belted out across the connection.

In short order, the wall of foliage suddenly split apart and disgorged _something_ that looked like the unholy union of a bull elephant and a wild boar. The beast was moving at full speed, squealing in fury, trees flying with every swing of its tusks.

And yet, Cross was looking at it with an expression of _horror_ , not _terror_. It was a subtle difference, but it _was_ a difference. _"That_ stupid _hunk of pork,_ " he miserably whimpered.

For one more blissful second, the bar was completely confused about Cross's anxiety.

And then the rabbit's head snapped up and all hell broke loose. It was as if they'd blinked, and then the rabbit's foot was carrying the boar down to the ground, head-first. The resulting impact made everyone wince, and the rabbit followed that up by repeatedly hopping up and down on the boar's head with great speed and force, which only made things worse.

While it was doing that, some poor soul with a somewhat weaker stomach glanced away, and instead saw a massive pawprint smashed into the bark of a nearby tree, and it all came together.

"He… He must have jumped and pushed off the tree!" the bandit gurgled. "And then…"

With a final crunch, the boar's head lost all cohesion and was reduced to the consistency of a thick gravy, oozing out from under the rabbit's hind paws and giving the brown spots on its coat a _whole_ new level of uncomfortable context. Only then did the rabbit stop hopping, though it did throw in one last kick to the boar's unmoving carcass.

"Yeah, that."

In the wake of the boar's untimely and gruesome demise, the jungle was silent… up until a twig suddenly snapped and both the killer rabbit and Visual Snail whipped their heads up to stare at Cross, who'd frozen mid-retreat, one eye twitching furiously.

_"Oh, come on…"_ Cross whispered in disbelief. " _You_ cannot _think I'm a better meal than pork purée down there!"_

Apparently the rabbit disagreed, and quite strenuously, given how the monster-mammal's jaw suddenly unhinged to unveil a set of teeth worthy of a bear trap, accompanied by an air-shaking roar.

Soundbite's eyestalks hung mournfully. " _ **Here we go again…"**_

_"Less talking, more BOOK IT!"_ Lassoo howled in terror, leaping onto his partner-in-chief's back as Cross turned and did just that, just _barely_ de-assing before the rabbit's feet utterly pulped the wood.

_"I AM REALLY GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF GETTING ATTACKED BY KILLER RODENTS!"_ Cross wailed. Splinters flew around him, the rabbit hot on his heels and plowing through everything in its path.

_**"** **Technically speaking, IT'S ONLY EVER BEEN** _ **the one, hasn't it?"**

_"Four times by the otter,"_ Cross snarled, throwing up four fingers, followed by his thumb two seconds later. _"Once by the pigeon—which is essentially a rat with wings, so I'm counting it—"_

**-o-**

Elsewhere in the Grand Line, Hattori was struck with a sudden urge to murder someone.

**-o-**

_"—and now a rabbit!"_ The pirate jabbed a final finger skyward. " _That's six! That means I can count it on two hands! It's too much, I tell you, too much!"_

Makino could _feel_ the sweatdrop hanging on the side of her head. "That boy has the most horrible luck with small animals, doesn't he?"

"Betcha he earned every one of those confrontations!" Mayor Woop Slap sniffed proudly.

"Now, Mayor—!"

" _Achoo!"_ Cross sneezed mid-leap, precariously landing on the next branch in the canopy he'd been aiming for. _"Guh, of all the times for someone to talk about me—WORGH!"_ The scream was accompanied by a hasty duck under the rabbit's teeth, which instead clamped onto the nearest trunk and tore out a chunk you could've carved a chair out of.

Woop Slap shot Makino a triumphant grin, to which the bartender could only respond with a sigh and weary roll of her eyes.

_"UWAAAAAH!"_

At that familiar cry, any further argument was dropped in favor of going back to the screen. "Luffy!"

Cross snapped his gaze downward, past the rest of the canopy's branches to the jungle floor below. _"Captain!"_

To the onlookers' shock, Luffy ran up beneath the Voices of Anarchy, pursued by a crocodilian… entity. The massive reptile was particularly squat, looking as though it had been squashed flat, but it was still large enough to casually bite off the Lord of the Coast's head.

For the moment, however, the beast appeared to be content with nomming Luffy's head instead.

_"CRAP-CRAP-CRAP-CRA—! Oh, hey, you guys are still alive!"_ Luffy's… swearing, for lack of a better word, cut off mid-word and he shot a careless smile up at his friends as he zipped past. _"That's nice! How's it going, Cross?"_

"That idiot…" Dadan groaned, the base of her palm grinding into her forehead.

Apparently Cross was of the same opinion. _"You_ dumb _son of a—GRK!"_ Cross only narrowly threw himself forward and out of reach of his pursuer's snapping jaws. " _Getting chased by a killer rabbit! You!?"_

_"Giant crocodile!"_ Luffy jerked his thumb over his shoulder, chuckling. _"It looks really weird, too!"_

_**"** **That's because**_ _aside from being flat,_ **THAT THING'S A CAIMAN!"** Soundbite blandly informed him.

_"Huh, really?"_ Luffy sent a curious look over his shoulder before scratching his head with an apologetic chuckle. _"Shishishi! Whoops, my bad!"_

_"Don't you morons think you're kind of missing the point here?!"_ Cross snapped.

"Hmph… Well, this is nostalgic, isn't it?" Dadan said calmly.

"Indeed. Brings me back to the days when those brats challenged all the beasts around here, and then almost losing their heads for it," Dogra responded with equal calmness.

"Mmm… But…" Makino chimed in, but unable to hide a clear tone of unnerve in her voice. "This seems… worse than Mt. Corvo, doesn't it? I mean…"

"You're right," Dadan grunted in agreement, swirling her bottle. "There's something wrong with that place. Something… _off."_

" _GRAORGH!"_

The caiman flung its head back and bellowed, stomping forward through the underbrush. It was joined by a loud skittering sound, a centipede the size of the Lord of the Coast and colored a lurid red bursting out of the trees in an attempt to shove aside the massive caiman still in pursuit.

'Tried' being the keyword.

Even as several bandits fainted, traumatic memories of _normal-sized_ centipedes leaping to their minds, the pursuing caiman twisted its head and slammed its jaws down on the centipede's carapace, shattering the insect's shell in a single decisive blow. Then, without breaking its stride, the gator swung its head to the side in an almost dismissive manner, casting aside the broken insect.

At the sight of that, Dadan growled slammed her bottle on the bar. "And _that's_ what's wrong. The rabbit didn't try and eat the boar, and the gator didn't try to eat the bug. These… These things, these _monsters…_ they're not fighting to eat, like normal animals."

"They're fighting simply to _fight,_ is what you're getting at," Mayor Woop Slap snarled, his knuckles white and trembling around the head of his cane.

With that lovely revelation, a grim silence fell over the bar as they watched the chase rage on.

**-o-**

"How much deep-fried alligator meat could that beast give us? Owner Zeff, you think we could mail order that stuff if there's anything left of it when the Straw Hats are done and Sanji fillets it?" Carne asked.

"It _would_ be a waste of good ingredients if we didn't try, though chances are that Straw Hat'll just eat it all like usual," Zeff replied, frowning. "Maybe I'll write up a request and hand it off to the News Coo when it shows up. **But meanwhile—"**

"Back to work, got it!" the chef yelped, busying himself with the meal tickets.

Meanwhile, on the screen, the Straw Hats were making no progress away from their pursuers. Considering that fact, the question on the minds of the patrons and chefs was why the strongest rookie pirate of their generation, the man who had smashed Don Krieg's armor like glass, wasn't fighting the beast at all.

Case in point, one steak-eating patron, who said, "The meat-loving monkey should be smashing that thing into the ground and eating its corpse." To emphasize the point, he drove his knife into his steak.

"Yeah, you're right," another nearby customer agreed. "So what's stopping him?"

With the foliage suddenly bursting open, the question was shelved, and everyone watched a familiar dugong drop onto a branch above Cross.

_"ALRIGHT!"_ the amphibian bellowed, pounding his 'knuckles' " _Sorry for the delay, but I'm here now! Let's kick some tail and get moving!"_

_"Boss! Are we glad to see—!"_

_FWOOM!_

The watchers' eyes twitched as Boss suddenly flew away again.

_"_ … _OK, that's just not fair,"_ Lassoo huffed.

_"Sonnuva—ah,_ damn it!" Cross cursed, both on account of his backup being blasted _and_ the fact that there was an upcoming turn in the foliage. _"Luffy, I'm heading right!"_

_"Eh? Ah, man, and I've gotta go left! Ah, well!"_ The captain laughed as he sped up to keep ahead of his reptilian pursuer. _"I'll try and lose this guy! Good luck, Cross!"_

_"Same to you, Captain!"_

And with that, the pirates split apart, with the Visual Snail's mount choosing once more to follow Cross through the canopy.

For a long minute, the chase remained as tense as ever, with Cross running and leaping from branch to branch, and the killer rabbit pulping a path through said branches.

Then, inevitably, Cross missed a step, his boot hitting a patch of moss instead of bark. He sprawled forward, luckily landing on a particularly overgrown branch but _unluckily_ in an undignified heap.

Or would have, if he hadn't turned his landing into a roll, from which he popped into a kneeling position and took aim at the mega-lagomorph, prompting it to freeze up barely a meter away.

The air was _electric,_ the entire restaurant holding its breath in anticipation for whatever was to come. Breathing slowed, sweat rolled…

And then a twig softly snapped in the distance and the combatants _moved._

The rabbit leaped forwards, Cross fired—

" _Kero."_ _THWAP!_

And then _something_ blurry shot out of the air, slamming into the rabbit and knocking it out of the screen, before retracting both itself _and_ the rabbit up at the same blur-inducing speed.

As one, Baratie blinked in befuddlement.

Cross was right there with them, blinking in confusion as Lassoo's round exploded in the distance. Soundbite, however, did not join him. He was staring upward, and shaking in terror under his shell.

" _ **Croooooss…"**_ he whispered miserably.

The terrified tone shook Cross out of his confusion, and scrunched his eyes shut as he slowly craned his head back. _"This is gonna suck, this is gonna suck, this is gonna—Guh…"_ One could almost _see_ Cross's stomach dropping out from him when he cracked his eyes open and actually go a look at the enemy. _"_ … _damn it."_

The view slowly followed Cross' gaze, revealing that perched high above them was a frog. It was green with a black discoloration on its back, titanic in size, and menacing in appearance. Kicking rabbit legs hung outside of its lips, demonstrating quite clearly that Cross had only a few seconds before he had his place on the food chain reevaluated.

"Hey, Patty, whaddaya think you'd make of that one?" one of the cooks called out.

"Legs are obvious, check for eggs! Now hurry up and get over here! Table six's order is up!" the larger chef ordered.

Meanwhile, the time Cross had before his evolutionary re-evaluation shortened considerably as the frog gave the rabbit a final munch. It then swallowed the rabbit whole, its gaze staying on Cross as its chest distended with a sonorous _"kero"._

Cross's eye twitched furiously. _"Ah,_ shi—!"

_THWACK!_

_"—GAH!"_ the pirate grunted in exertion as he only just managed to leap away from the blur of a tongue that smashed into where he'd been moments before.

Unlike before, however, Cross's immediate response was to heft Lassoo and aim it at the frog. _"I don't normally go for frog legs, but just this once! CANI-CANNON!"_

_B-B-BLAM!_

The gun spat out a trio of cannonballs at the titan-amphibian, and they _would_ have neatly roasted the beast.

_"Orekekek."_

If only they didn't suddenly detonate well away from the target.

Even worse, this was not the result of the frog's own actions. Instead, the restaurant was treated to the revelation that the dark discoloration on the amphibian's back… _wasn't_ a discoloration after all.

As their customers recoiled in no small amount of terror and horror, one of the Baratie's chefs shot a questioning look at their comrades. "Hey, Carne, how do you think you'd—?"

"HIT IT WITH A STICK!" the shorter chef cried out from beneath the pot he was cowering under.

Cross was right there with him, gurgling in horror at the clicking, chitin-covered entity that was resting on the frog's back, claws snapping and tail waving. _"I thought that it was supposed to be in the scorpion's nature to_ kill _the frog!"_

" **Nature over nurture…** _or would it be THE OTHER WAY_ **AROUND?"** Soundbite wondered, right before his pupils suddenly dilated. "EITHER WAY, _**AM-SCRAY!"**_

"IGHT-RAY!" Cross belted out, spinning on his heel and dashing away before the frog's tongue could snap him up.

The frog responded with a ruthless, bone-rattling _"KERO!"_ , leaping up to grasp another branch and lashing its tongue out in pursuit.

What followed was essentially a remix on Cross's prior escape. Granted, due to its mass, the frog wasn't quite as fast or maneuverable as the rabbit had been, but its lightning-fast tongue more than made up for it. And while it served for a perfectly stationary target in between its tree-to-tree leaps, the scorpion it was illogically symbiotic with acted as the perfect shield by blocking any retaliation Cross attempted.

"Is this what the Straw Hats have been up to for the last week?" one of the patrons incredulously demanded. "How the heck are they still going strong in this mess?"

"Well, Luffy and the Dugong are monsters, obviously," Zeff blandly informed the customer as he set his dish down. "Also, your soup's ready."

"Ah, thank you!" The patron picked up his spoon before pausing as a thought hit him. "But, uh… that explains those two, but isn't Cross, well, normal?"

Zeff graced his patron with a flat look. "Sir, I can serve you your soup or I can serve you the knowledge of the universe. Which would you prefer?"

"Uhh…"

"Translation, he doesn't have a clue either!" Patty helpfully provided as he passed by.

"Listen, you—!"

" _GAAAAAAAH!"_

"Oh, come on, again!?" Zeff snapped his head around to stare at the screen, where Luffy had popped up running from the same direction that Cross was. And behind him was a literal fish out of water. Or, well, octopus. Giant octopus. That had somehow adapted to land. And was clearly only having so much trouble pasting Luffy with its flying tentacles because he was made of rubber.

_"GO FALL OFF THE EDGE, LAND SQUID!"_

_**"** **TAKOYAKI,**_ _NOT CALAMARI,_ **MORON!"**

_"WHA—?! Oh, hey, Cross, what's chasing you?"_ Luffy asked pleasantly.

_"Giant frog and scorpion,"_ Cross casually answered, punctuating the point with another scorpion-blocked blast. _"I see you're having much better luck with edible species. Try not to lose that one to something, would you? I'm in the mood for seafood once we get a reprieve!"_

_"You got it!"_ Luffy shouted back, literally twisted his head around to keep talking as the two crewmates passed one another. _"I'll try and handle it real quick and find you again!"_

_"Same to you!"_ Cross waved back, before hastily snapping his arm down before the Frog could manage to snap him up. He then glanced upward. _"And Boss should be swinging by to be blasted away again in three, two—!"_

SMASH! _"RAAAAGH!"_

Cross snapped his head around and blinked in surprise at the distant sound of impotent fury and trees being bowled over. " _Oooor not. Huh, looks like he's decided to be proactive."_

**"Yeah, how's that.** _ **AND MEANWHILE,**_ _YOU SHOULD_ _ **decide to**_ _**duck!"**_

_"Wha—_ GAH!" The pirate hastily fell into a baseball slide under a low-hanging branch before pushing himself to his feet. He then almost took a tumble when instead of coming out on more branches, he instead stumbled onto an almost floor-like crossroads of several dozen vines.

Cross blinked at the turn of events, then barked out a relieved laugh and ran out to the center of the makeshift clearing. Turning around, he shot the frog-scorpion combo a taunting smirk. _"Come and get me, rubber-belly!"_

The frog narrowed its eyes and skidded to a halt, before glancing over its shoulder at its passenger. " _Keroro."_

" _Orekek,"_ the scorpion clicked in response. The arachnid crawled down off the frog's back, its eight dexterous limbs affording it a much better hold on the vines than its counterpart. That alone throttled Cross's bravado quite effectively, but his growing anger transformed into incredulity when the frog then proceeded to bop down onto the scorpion's back, croaking without a care in the world.

_"But… that's not_ fair," Cross whined plaintively.

From the screeching chitter and roaring croak the pair let out before charging at him, they officially _could not_ give a damn.

We need not repeat the stream of expletives that Cross belted out during his hasty retreat. What does bear saying, however, is that Cross ran across the 'clearing' of vines in an attempt to escape the scorpion, which kept up a swift barrage of tail-strikes and claw-snaps to in an effort to catch up the pirate.

"And I thought that Cross was just being melodramatic after that surfing fiasco, but no. Sanity is truly dead," Patty said, shaking his head wearily but still working at his station.

"It was dead before even I was born, Patty," Zeff scoffed, his eyes trained on the cook's hands with a satisfied look. "This may be on the stranger side, but it's still no big deal for the Grand Line. The only question is if the Straw Hats are crazy enough to make it through it, and that's something they've answered many times over."

"Case in point," deadpanned several chefs as Cross, cornered against a tree with tongue, tail, and claws poised to strike him, drew his elephant-sword and let loose a flurry of stabs at the beasts, fast enough for the sword to blur.

The beasts flinched at the attack, and then blinked in confusion as absolutely _nothing_ happened to them.

The scorpion's demeanor shifted in _just_ the right manner to suggest a sadistic grin in Cross' direction, and it was to everyone's surprise when Cross returned the expression with just as much bloody glee.

For its own part, the frog lacked its partner's enthusiasm and was glancing around in clear hesitation. Then its eyes shot wide in terror, prompting it to slap its webbed feet on the scorpion's shell. _"Kero!_ Keroro!"

The scorpion ignored its partner in favor of crawling closer to Cross, chittering furiously all the while. " _Orekekeke—!"_

_Crrr…_

_"Ore?"_ The scorpion paused in confusion at the sudden creaking sound. It glanced to and fro, trying to locate the source. It found it. And then it turned back to Cross and locked up in terror at the pirate's widening grin, and how he had his sword positioned blade-first over a single, innocent, perfectly innocuous vine.

Somehow, the scorpion's pitch-black chitin _paled_ , while the frog slapped a foot to its face with a piteous _"Kero…"_

Cross, naturally, showed _no_ care for the frog's plight, and simply drove his sword through the vine.

_CRA-CRASH!_

This caused the vines under the creatures to give way, sending the symbiotic pair tumbling out of the canopy and down to the jungle floor with a crashing thump.

Cross laughed in relief at the sound, and he even leaned over the edge of the branch he was on to flash the pair a… _specific_ gesture. _"Two heads might be better than one, but it takes four to reign supreme, you pests!"_

" _COMING FROM HIM,_ **that's saying something!"**

Thankfully for the loudmouths, the pair appeared to be far more concerned with arguing with one another than exacting their vengeance on the pirate, croaking and chittering and motioning furiously at one another.

"Waiter!" one of the Baratie's customers called out in a cultured voice. "I have a quandary!"

"Well, it didn't come from our kitchen! We run a clean ship here!"

Zeff affixed his underlings with a flat look before picking up one of the customer's cleared dishes. "Let me get that for you, sir." He then proceeded to fling the plate towards the kitchen.

_THUNK! "OW!"_

"Clean the stupid off it, halfwit!" Zeff roared before returning his attention to the customer. "You were saying?"

"Yes, well," the customer adjusted his coat primly. "Those two overgrown specimens of fauna are clearly communicating with one another, yes?"

"Obviously."

"And so too is the most infamous snail the world has ever known present with them, indeed?"

"Of course."

"Well then, my question is obvious!" The patron gestured inquisitively at the screen. "Wherefore can we not comprehend what these creatures are saying to one another?!"

Zeff opened his mouth to respond… and then slowly closed as he realized there was only one accurate response.

"That," he stated tersely. "Is a _very_ good question."

**-o-**

"I remain conflicted about the process of rendering a sword sentient with a Devil Fruit… but I will not deny that I now want to duel against Cross and his elephant," Koshiro mused.

"But it wouldn't be much of a duel 'cause Cross isn't much of a swordsman, right, Master?" one of the old swordmaster's students asked curiously. "I mean, that's why Master Zoro is always training with Leo!"

"You say training, I say he's beating him up…" another student muttered under his breath.

"It is not simply a matter of being a superior swordsman. Any world-class swordsman has a close bond with his blade… or hers," he added, glancing in the direction of his daughter's gravestone. "But outright autonomy coupled with so close a bond, let alone carrying the extra strength of an elephant behind a common saber, as well as the unorthodox actions of Jeremiah Cross himself…"

He trailed off, trusting that the visual would emphasize his point. Said visual being the symbiotic creatures continuing to snap and spit at one another, before finally relenting to glare viciously up at Cross, who was suddenly far less confident than he'd been a moment earlier.

The frog hopped on the scorpion's back, the scorpion started to skitter its way up the tree's trunk—

_"SCREE!"_

_CRUNCH!_

_"OREK!"/"KERO!"_

—And _then,_ a mega-sized stag beetle _slammed_ its mass into the pair and crushed them into the tree, entirely ignoring the way the duo struggled and flailed in the larger pest's grip.

Cross stared down at the ongoing skirmish with no small amount of wariness before casting a doubtful look at Soundbite. _"This is not going to end well for us, isn't it?"_

" _ **Signs point to—!"**_

" _SCREE!"_ The titan-stag interrupted the snail with another ear-grating screech, following which it drew back from the symbiotic pair, _just_ enough so that it could swiftly, disproportionately, and utterly _crush_ the two between its equally titanic mandibles. It was only a single strike, but from the spray of bloody foam that jetted from the pair and how they twitched in the larger insect's grip, that one strike was sufficient.

The stag then swung its head to the side, throwing away its insensate prey. That done, beetle cast a hateful glare up at Cross, its vicious intentions clear. The insect tested its legs on the bark of the tree, but the wood cracked and gave way under the insect's mass, so the thing drew back and started chewing at the tree's trunk with its mandibles.

**"…yeah, that,"** the snail finished lamely.

" _It's just one thing after another…"_ Cross miserably moaned, dragging a hand down his face.

As if on cue, a revving noise roared out from the mega-stag, and its mandibles started to tear into the tree's trunk, wood-chips and sawdust flying everywhere.

_"THAT WAS AN ADMISSION OF FACT, NOT A TAUNT AT MURPHY!"_ Cross roared skyward, accompanying the statement with a _very_ violently shaken fist.

_**"** **YEAH WELL,**_ _**po-tay-to—!"**_

_"GWOOOAAAARGH!"_

_SLAM!_

Out of the blue, an equally massive kabuto beetle rammed into the stag beetle from the side, nearly bowling the former over and very effectively diverting its attention from Cross. The stag staggered slightly, got its legs under it, and shot a murderous glare on the other insect. Roar answered roar, and the two beetles went after each other hammer and tongs.

_"_ … _GIANT INSECT INTERRUPT."_ The snail cocked its eyestalks at the dueling beetles that were circling below them. " **And for the record, I'm getting ticked off** _at getting interrupted by the world."_

" _Better you than me,"_ Cross scoffed, rolling his eyes. " _And on that note!"_

Cross leaped off his branch, sliding down the trunk before leaping off onto one of the beetle's back, vaulting off, and then booking it for dear life on the ground. The video feed turned away from him briefly to show that the two beetles were still busy locking their horns together, despite the brief interruption.

With that established eagle took off and followed after Cross, who soon came into view slumped over slightly with his hands on his knees, panting.

_"That… was so unpleasant… on a whole new level…"_ he bit out before glancing at his partner. " _Soundbite, timer?"_

_**"18, 19, 20… huh. I think we'll actually reach half a minute this time… 27, 28, 29, 30, 31—AAAND** _ _bogey at 9 o'clock."_

_"Your fault!"_ Cross snarled, swinging up Funkfreed at the foliage Soundbite had indicated, obviously prepared to stab on a moment's notice.

"Alright, guys! Betting time!" one of Koshiro's disciples piped up eagerly. "Ten for two on a bird, twenty for five on reptiles! Mammals are all busts, I repeat, mammals are—!"

_THWACK!_ "YEOW!"

"No betting near my daughter, please," Koshiro warned his student, shinai tapping his palm.

"Yes, master…"

"Hey, look, here it comes!"

And indeed, come something did.

Admittedly, compared to the earlier monstrosities that had plagued Cross, a man-sized and relatively normal-looking raccoon wasn't exactly the most imposing of creatures. But considering how the thing was, to reiterate, big enough to bite a person's head off and snarling viciously at Cross, it still managed a palpable aura of menace.

Cross's lips parted into a furious scowl. _"Alright, you scummy little fleabag, I have had a_ hell _of a week and I am getting sick and tired of getting chased by monsters I can't kill, so for the sake of my sanity and pride alike, do me a favor and just_ DIE!"

Cross lunged forward and stabbed with his sword, prompting the elephant-blade to shoot forward. To no one's surprise, most likely not even Cross's, the raccoon deftly slid aside and avoided the attack completely.

What _was_ to everyone's surprise, however, was the fact that the instant the overgrown vermin moved, the screens suddenly went pitch black. The connection was _not_ severed, to be sure, as the snails were all projecting noise. After all…

_"GAGH!"_

How else would the world have heard Cross getting slashed and the indignant roar of pain he let out in response?

Koshiro adjusted his glasses in shock. "What on earth—?"

_"Sonnuva—"_ Cross's voice bit out painfully. " _My eyes! Damn it, what just happened!?"_

" **No clue!"** Soundbite snapped. " _ **The damn thing just moved AND THEN—!**_ _Its… FUR… FLASHED…_ UH-OH."

_"Wha—_ seriously!?" Cross spat. " _How does a raccoon get the ability to cause seizures!?"_

_"When a stripe-rat_ _ **AND A STROBE LIGHT LOVE EACH OTHER**_ VERY MUCH! _NOW RUN FOR IT!"_

The sound of someone running, followed by something much heavier, sounded out, heading away from the snail. The screen itself remained frustratingly blank for a full minute.

"…Well, the upgrade didn't last long," one of the students muttered.

"Well, it could have been worse," Koshiro mused, a worried frown marring his features. "If the snail had actually managed to keep its eyes open, people could have actually gotten seizures."

Fortunately, as the sounds began to grow louder again, the vision began to return. This time, it was a bit blurrier and tunneled; probably the snail narrowing its eyes to avoid the raccoon's flashing fur. But it was clear enough to see the raccoon behind a veil of green a distance away pursuing Cross. The eagle took flight in search of another view where it would be less vulnerable to the raccoon, and as a result, got a good look at a sudden change in the scenery.

Specifically, the screen displayed a ragged and very large patch of brown and gray wasteland ahead in Cross and his pursuer's path, sticking out like the scar it was among the green of the jungle. Burned and scorched grass dotted the ground, trees of varying states of burned stuck out at odd angles, and ash covering everything. Cross broke through the tree line and ran across the ashes, a scowl visible on his features.

_"More fire-spitters. Perfect. I thought we managed to ditch them three islands back!"_

_"WELL, THEY'RE NOT NEARBY,_ **AT LEAST!** _**KEEP GOING, maybe flash-mob** __will have to slow down!"_

" _He's not the only one,"_ Cross spat as he charged forward. _"I've been training to take hits and give hits, but freaking_ parkour _is not in my repertoire!"_ Cross's expression then became slightly contemplative, and he took a shell out of his pocket and spoke into it. _"Note to self, start learning parkour."_

**"LEARN FAST!** _**UPCOMING LOG!"**_

Cross reacted fast to the news, leaping up onto the oncoming arboreal obstacle. He then took a nasty dive when his boot slipped on the ash on said log.

Thankfully, Cross turned that tumble into another roll, his hound-cannon ready on his shoulder, although some distraction came from the presence of another living thing there.

"…that place is _weird,"_ one of the students flatly stated.

And indeed, the man-sized, slimy-skinned lizard grinding a stick into a bundle of them and blinking at Cross in bemused surprise was a perfect example of the island's weirdness.

Before the two could react to one another, the raccoon—which was no longer moving fast enough for its fur to be an issue—leaped onto the log with a nigh-rabid snarl. In response, the lizard redoubled its stick-grinding with an almost panicked fervor.

Cross's response, meanwhile, was far more… 'appropriate', for lack of a better word. "CANI-BLAST!"

Lassoo fired a pillar of superheated air, the blast traveling notably faster than Funkfreed had. The raccoon was unable to dodge; it had enough time for a panicked look before the blast struck, reducing it to a charred husk. Still twitching, but not long for the world of the living. The only question was whether it would die from its new injuries or be burned alive by the embers that were steadily building into a greater fire.

The answer, as it turned out, was to be impaled on an elephant's bladed trunk and flung back a few meters.

Cross nodded firmly before turning back to the lizard, clear anticipation of a fight written on his face. Instead, he blinked in confusion, because the lizard's attention was _not_ on him. Instead, the reptile was staring at the raccoon's charred and still-warm corpse. It was kind of disturbing really, how the thing was staring. Something that was like hunger but wasn't… _obsession_ dancing in its eyes.

The confusion was cleared up when Soundbite—pale and shivering in terror—swallowed heavily and spoke up. **"Croooooss, remember how I said** _ **the flamers weren't NEARBY**_ _EARLIER?"_ Message delivered, the snail ducked back into his shell. "ADDENDUM."

"…Oh, no, it's a _salamander,"_ said another of the students, wincing in anticipation.

Cross's face twisted up, initially into a scowl, but it then into a grimace. " _Don't. You. Fucking—!"_

To nobody's surprise, the Voice of Anarchy fell on deaf ears. The salamander just smiled malevolently and pounced for the smoldering raccoon.

Suddenly, the eagle carrying the visual snail swooped up and away and out of the sight of the salamander. Still, the sudden _FWOOSH_ of something igniting was a bit of a giveaway.

The viewpoint briefly soared through an un-scorched section of the jungle, followed by the sound of crashing and searing, and seconds later a familiar form sprinted out of the underbrush.

_**"** **I! HATE! THESE! ISLANDS!"**_ Cross and Soundbite bellowed together, closely pursued by the salamander, who'd _somehow_ surrounded its body with what appeared to be a secondary phantom composed wholly of flames that were easily _five times_ its actual size.

"…So, master? Do we have to aspire to be swordsmen that could face that sort of stuff if we're going to train here?"

Koshiro could only groan and slap his hand to his forehead. "This. This is why I don't like you children listening to the more rambunctious broadcasts."

"But we're not listening, we're watching!"

Koshiro groaned further.

**-o-**

"Commander Jonathan, you seem to be enjoying this. Despite the fact that it means our best allies are indisposed and out of the picture."

"Hardly, Henrick," Jonathan hummed, playfully flipping a black pawn between his fingers. "The Straw Hats may be scattered amidst the outskirts of their enemy's base, but they're still there. And I believe the Straw Hats have demonstrated more than once that challenging them on _your_ turf and terms… is a very poor idea."

The Vice Admiral's smirk widened. "Though I will gladly admit that given what happened when _we_ learned that the hard way, seeing them run around like this is more than a little cathartic."

The Ensign took a moment to turn that over in his head. And then he smirked. "Permission to requisition popcorn from the kitchen?" he asked with a perfectly straight face.

"Ensign, I _order you_ to bring up the whole car with all the fixings," Drake said, a massive smile on his face.

Henrick didn't need any more prompting, exiting the room as fast as his legs could carry him. Jonathan, meanwhile, turned his attention back to the flaming lizard pursuing Cross, his mind running through the options he had at his disposal.

Cross's gauntlets were powerful weapons, but they only worked in close combat, and that was hardly practical against an opponent covered in fire. Soundbite's abilities should work, theoretically, but since he hadn't already employed them, odds were that the creatures were either unaffected by the weaker attacks, the stronger attacks had too low of a payoff for the energy they consumed, or some combination thereof. Lassoo's ammunition focused on fire, combustion, flammables, and a smokescreen, meaning that the dog could at best inconvenience the salamander and more likely simply make the problem worse.

That left Funkfreed; a near-sonic elephant should do wonders in terms of shortening the salamander's lifespan, though the incendiary second skin and the ongoing pursuit made targeting the creature understandably difficult. But perhaps that Pachy-Riot he'd used could—?

_"HEY, BACKUP LONG NOSE, YOU WANNA_ **help out by giving this** _**schmuck a good spritzing**_ **OR WHAT!? I THINK HE COULD USE A DRINK!"** Soundbite demanded in a biting tone.

" _Yeah, well, so could I!"_ Funkfreed shot back in a somewhat raspy voice. _"We've been out here for a week straight, and it's been three days since the last non-swamp body of water! I'm parched!"_

_"And seeing as the only water I have on me is my drinking water and it needs to last until we find_ another _body of clean water, that's not happening!"_ Cross huffed.

Jonathan frowned, slotting that last bit of information into an increasingly distressing picture. Obviously, they were getting more than enough food, even if it was bushmeat. But going that long with minimal water while constantly expending energy? And for that matter, going that long without rest? Something was missing…

On-screen, Cross had made it to another clearing, this one particularly massive, at which point he abruptly stopped running. The viewpoint swung around to show the source of his hesitation, a monstrous bear with black and white fur and a gargantuan, absolutely _irate_ praying mantis brawling in the center. The bird flew back, showing that even the salamander had paused at the sight of this clash.

_"Another brawl between Alphas,"_ Lassoo snorted.

_"Of all the times!"_ Cross groaned. The salamander regaining enough wits to roar at him was just salt in the wound.

_"HALF-SHELL STYLE!"_

"Not what I meant by something missing, but not unwelcome," Jonathan muttered.

At Boss's roar, the mega-salamander stopped and looked around in confusion, freezing up when a large shadow fell over it. Slowly, it inclined its gaze upward.

_"BELUGA!"_ the dugong bellowed—

_WHAM!_

And smashed the incendiary amphibian flat with the large, scale-armored creature he'd brought with him.

_"PILEDRIVER!"_ Boss finished, landing with his arms raised in victory. " _And THAT is how a_ MAN _does it!"_

_"GO, BOSS, GO!"_ Soundbite, Lassoo, and Funkfreed cheered.

Cross was a lot more restrained with his thanks, being bent over sucking wind, but he still had enough energy to shoot his crewmate a grateful thumbs-up. _"Thanks for the save, Boss… huh."_ The tactician examined the twitching scaled behemoth. " _Is that thing what kept blowing you away? What is that, a… pangolin or something?"_

Boss snorted and gave the scaled body another smack. " _Hole in one. Stupid thing was using its tail like a pair of bellows and blasting me with air bullets. Annoying as heck, but I got it in the end."_

"What kind of warped circumstances would lead a pangolin to develop that kind of ability?" Drake asked, only for his expression to fall flat. "Right, the kind where the Straw Hats are involved. My bad."

_"Well, at least, that's most of us back together…"_ Cross nodded in weary gratefulness. _"Now we just need to find Luffy, who is…?"_ He sent an inquisitive glance Soundbite's way.

The snail's response was to adopt a flat expression and jerk his eyes over Cross's shoulder.

_"Hey, guys!"_

And there was Luffy, sitting next to the carcass of the octopus that had been chasing him, smiling and waving without a care in the world. Boss and Cross could only stare, blinking.

"… _well, that's convenient,"_ Boss muttered before raising his voice. " _Hey, Luffy! You alright?"_

" _Shishishi, yeah, I'm fine!"_ Luffy chuckled, sliding off of the corpse and walking up to them. " _And look, I didn't lose the octopus either, so we can eat once I deal with these guys!"_ The rubber-man then tilted his head inquisitively. " _What about you guys? You holding up?"_

" _GROOOAAAR!"_

Luffy's smile slammed into a scowl as the large panda-esque creature finished off the mantis with an earth-shaking suplex, and loosed a bone-rattling howl towards the pirates. _"Actually, give me a second, I need to deal with this guy really fast."_

Boss grinned and slammed his flipper into his palm. _"Right there with you, Captain!"_

_"You two… go ahead…"_ Cross waved them off, still trying to get his breath back. " _I'm just… gonna stay here… start cutting up the octopus… have a heart attack… or ten…"_

_"Right! Come on, Boss!"_ Luffy roared, shooting off with the dugong hot on his tail.

_"Go get him, captain!"_ Cross yelled after his captain, raising a shaky thumbs-up… and then his eyes rolled up in his head and he collapsed to the ground with a pitiful moan.

"One of the highest bounties in history, everyone," remarked Cormac, shaking his head. "Honestly, for all his impossible knowledge, he's not a fighter like Boss and the Monster Trio. I still don't get why the Government isn't sending someone who can just stomp them all flat, at least to take Cross's head."

"Because they can't."

Drake and Cormac snapped their heads to their superior, who was leaning back in his chair with a frown.

"Baroque Works. Navarone. Enies Lobby. Thriller Bark," Jonathan listed, punctuating each name with a spin of the white king he was holding. "The Straw Hat Pirates have challenged armies of hundreds, even thousands, with mere dozens on their side. Sometimes not even that. And consistently, they've walked away victorious with nothing but a few new scars at worst. Including myself, they've personally crossed paths with three Vice Admirals and survived, including the legendary Garp. The Government can't send anyone who can 'stomp them all flat', because at this point I'm not sure they have anybody who _can_."

"And the reason they don't drop an _Admiral_ on their collective skulls?" Drake inquired.

"Aside from the fact that Akainu is on the other side of the Red Line and the other two, while powerful, do whatever they damn well please?" Jonathan dryly replied. Leaning back again, he folded his arms before him. "Aside from that, either result ends badly for the Government: if they send an Admiral and he wins, then it looks excessive and smacks of weakness. And if by some remote chance the Admiral loses…"

"Then the Warlords turn on us and they and the Emperors fall on us like a ton of bricks, right, right…" Cormac tugged nervously at his collar. "I… honestly don't know which is more likely to occur."

"The Straw Hats do not have the capability to defeat an Admiral in direct and fair combat, even if they _have_ most likely incorporated sea prism stone into their arsenals by now," Jonathan stated. "But that's not to say the Straw Hats aren't skilled and dangerous. Besides the other two corners of the Big Three, I doubt anyone this side of the Red Line can match the Straw Hats."

_THWACK! "GROOOAAAR!"_

"…Addendum," the returning Henrick blandly as the giga-panda knocked Luffy and Boss away, the eagle flapping furiously to keep the viewpoint level with them.

"Give it a moment," Jonathan prompted.

And indeed, as the Vice Admiral had divined, the pirates managed to catch themselves on a bent palm tree rather than going flying through the jungle, with Luffy's arm stretching out to grab a nearby tree and keep them anchored in place.

_"Okay, credit where it's due,"_ Boss muttered, rubbing his jaw. _"That thing is definitely the local boss for a reason."_

_"Yeah, well, we don't have time to deal with him!"_ Luffy snorted, his face a rictus of impatient fury. The Rubber-Man shifted his footing so that he was higher up on the palm tree's trunk. " _I'll go high, you go low!"_

_"Right!"_ Boss confirmed the order with a nod and a pound of his 'knuckles'. _"Pull!"_

Luffy didn't so much 'pull' as 'released', letting his arm unwind and allowing the palm tree they were perched on to snap upright. As a result of their positions, Luffy was sent flying almost straight upwards, whereas Boss was shot directly at the charging bear.

The bear responded with another blood-curdling howl, extending its double-jointed arms in an effort to bat the dugong into its slavering jaws.

And it was without even a hint of hesitation that Boss literally _swam_ through the air, pumping his tail to dodge around the bear's claws and get up close to the mega-mammal's torso.

_"Full-Shell Style!"_ Boss huffed, grabbing hold of the bear's chest-fur. _"Water Spout Throw!"_ And with a spin that by all rights had _nowhere_ near enough leverage to work, Boss threw the bear skyward, right into Luffy and his ballistic path.

Luffy, who, at this moment, was rapidly unwinding his torso and limbs to let loose with his pipe. Though rather than the ascending bear, Luffy snapped his furious attention to something _past_ the beast. _"CROSS! BATTER UP!"_

The snail's view panned downward to show Cross working on slicing into the octopus. Grumbling unprintable words, Cross turned away from the cephalopod, shook his hands clean, and dropped into a kneeling position, catching his very eager cannon on his shoulder.

_"_ — _meat-huffing slave-driving idiot-savant son of a-CANI-CANNON!"_ he bellowed.

The hound-gun belted out one of its signature baseball bombs skyward, the projectile shooting past the enemy monster, and instead at Luffy…

"GUUUUM-GUUUUM!" Luffy roared, slamming his pipe into the ball with full force, sending it flying even faster in the direction of the bear. "GRAND SLAM!"

The baseball flew true, striking its target and sinking so deep into the bear's stomach that its back bulged out. The monster kept its position for a second… two seconds… and then it shot back down to the earth, smashing out a large crater in the clearing's stonework—

_KA-_ _**BOOOOOM!**_

And meeting its end from a fiery explosion that detonated almost literally in its gut.

[…Ouch,] Terry winced. [Still, that was proper **Bear Glove**.]

He paused for a moment, waiting for the customary reaction. His west-eye moved until he was looking at Isaiah…'s empty perch.

The sudden squawk he let out drew the officers' attention, and Jonathan blinked in surprise. "That's strange. Did any of you see Isaiah fly off?"

The officers shook their heads.

**-o-**

"Alright, guys, soup's on!" I called out over my shoulder. I then patted Lassoo's barrel, at which he cut off the stream of fire he'd been using to charbroil the land-borne octopus carcass. "Come and get it while it's—!"

_POP!_

I shivered in disgust at the pustule of blood and… who _knows_ what else that swelled up and popped in the crevasse I'd carved into the beast's rubbery flesh.

"Still utterly revolting in every way," I concluded lamely. "Urgh, sonnuva… have I mentioned I miss Sanji yet?"

"Five times," Boss 'helpfully' informed me as he stripped the bark off a large branch he'd retrieved.

Funkfreed nodded in agreement, rummaging his trunk around in the jungle so he could pick up some grub for himself. "I think the loudest was when that possum we ate gave you diarrhea."

I sent a questioning glance towards my sword. "Which one? The one with the ballistic needles or the one that swallowed Boss?"

"Needles," everyone else chorused flatly.

The memory popped up in my brain, in all its… let's say 'glory'. I grimaced. "Riiiiiight…"

I had little choice but to start eating as soon as the others came within grabbing range; Luffy may have started cutting back recently, forgoing his typical mannerisms seeing as we didn't have time for it while we were in a place like this—which was ironic since this place was a mirror of where he'd learned it—but the constant fighting and subsequent constant need to replenish his stamina meant that that was only so much help.

Lassoo and Boss, on the other hand, had no such restraint, which meant that it was either nix the revulsion or go hungry. And I wasn't stupid enough to listen to my tongue more than my stomach. At least Funkfreed was content to eat the foliage instead.

Still, I didn't have that much time to 'enjoy' my meal, due to the second mouth on my body scowling and glancing aside. " **Hey guys, just a quick heads up,** _ **BUT TRY AND MAKE YOURSELVES LOOK NICE.**_ WE'VE GOT AN AUDIENCE AGAIN."

I found myself grimacing for a reason besides how it felt like I was chewing on a burnt tire. Yay. "Ugh, don't tell me, the eagle's back?" A glance aside confirmed that, yes, our avian stalker and Soundbite's peeping-tom cousin were back and watching us.

_"Yeee-pah,"_ Soundbite popped the word sourly. _"Even when we've lost our GATEWAY TO THE WORLD, WE'RE STILL_ _ **the number one show**_ **IN THE BLUE SEAS!"** He glanced aside and spat in disgust. " **How comforting."**

I narrowed my eyes at our antagonizer's cronies. "Yeah, well, apologies to our _dear_ viewers, but _surprisingly,_ quality takes a noticeable drop when you're watching a cheap knock-off. Observe." So saying, I showed the eagle my own bird.

"Betcha I could bash that thing's brains out from here," Boss grumbled, a rock tossed between his flippers.

"Don't," Luffy ordered around his meat. "We don't need them calling for backup like last time."

_"…feh."_ Grumbling under his breath, Boss tossed the rock into the underbrush, prompting _something_ to run off with a panicked yelp.

We all froze up at the burst of motion, snapping panicked looks at Soundbite.

He scrunched up his face intently for a moment before sagging in relief. "SCAVENGER, _not a scout._ _ **We're good."**_

We all joined him in relief, though said relief was tempered by our continued circumstances.

"Christ on a blazing pikestaff, this place is _killing me…"_ I groaned. _"When_ are we going to be able to _stop?"_

"When we find wherever the Sunny landed," Boss replied. "Once that's done, we'll find the others and find whichever island his base is on. And when we get there, we'll show him why… why no one… no one…" Boss trailed off, his expression unchanging, but the way his fists were clenching made it obvious what he was thinking about.

I shook my head with a sympathetic sigh. "I know, Boss, I know. That bastard already messed with us… but once we get everyone back together and find him?"

"I'll turn him inside out and punt him straight into Gramps' lap!" Luffy finished with a particularly bloodthirsty snarl.

"…that, yes," I nodded in agreement, _not_ willing to remark on my captain's uncharacteristic viciousness. Instead, I went back to trying to choke down my current mouthful of 'meat'—an endeavor in and of itself—while warily eyeing the jungle around us. "Anyways… seeing as we've got a minute to breathe until the rest of the bastards catch up to us, might as well ask the stupid question: you guys still going strong?"

"Yeah… but it's weird that we are," Boss said with a frown. "I mean sure, I've practiced harsh training on a regular basis for the past few decades, and Luffy's just a damn monster—!"

"Th'nks, Bssh!" Luffy mumbled, adding a thumbs-up.

"—but even after how strong I've gotten since joining up with you guys, it doesn't make sense. A solid week of guerilla tactics against beasts that I will freely admit match me in raw strength, never stopping to rest for more than an hour until they catch up to us, and only raw meat and whatever water we can find keeping us going…"

Boss's frown deepened and he waved his meat at me. "I'm not complaining that I'm not getting tired, it's both useful and badass, but I know my limits, and I should have passed them days ago. And you and your boys should have too, for that matter."

Lassoo looked up from his meal with a thoughtful chuff. "Shellhead's got a point. I'm running low on fumes for my Cani-Blaze, sure, but apart from that? I've coughed up almost a hundred bombs non-stop over the past few days, and I _still_ don't feel empty. That's… not normal."

"Hmm…" I looked at Luffy, who from his expression was thinking the same thing. Something was off all right, but what was it? Sighing, I forced down another mouthful of octopus to keep up my strength… and then I swallowed again when something occurred to me.

"Guys?" I mumbled. "Not to alarm you, but, uh… I think we've been drugged."

Of course, everyone else reacted with the utmost poise and oh who the hell am I kidding, everyone who wasn't Luffy spat out what they were chewing and belted out a panicked "WHAT?!"

Luffy was a lot calmer, taking the time to finish chewing and swallow before responding. "Whaddaya mean, Cross?"

"Well, I mean, think about it! This place." I swung my arms out, indicating our surroundings. "It's not natural, right? And I don't just mean the whole floating in the sky bit, I'm talking about the actual environment. The animals. I mean, look at the gauntlet we've run: all carnivores, all the time, omnivores at best, but no pure herbivores _anywhere._ This kind of trainwreck of a food-chain doesn't come into being on its own, right?"

" _Trainwreck nothing, these islands are an asylum!"_

I looked at my shoulder in surprise. "Soundbite?"

The snail grimaced. " _ **Thi**_ _ **s place is insane…**_ **that's not a generalization, I'M BEING LITERAL! THIS WHOLE PLACE HAS LOST ITS MIND ON A PRIMAL LEVEL! Everything we've seen, everything we've experienced, it's all trumped by** THE SHEER MADNESS OF THIS HELLHOLE! I MEAN… _you know how I haven't been able_ _ **to translate these things FROM DAY ONE?"**_

"It _has_ contributed to diplomatic tensions, yes," Lassoo agreed, snickering.

_THWAP!_

"YIPE!"

Said smirk was promptly wiped off his muzzle when Funkfreed smacked him with his trunk.

"Not like we have much room to talk either, Snoopy," the other Zoan-weapon groused. "None of us can make heads or tails of what that damn thing is saying."

"YEAH, WELL, THAT'S FOR A DAMN GOOD REASON!" Soundbite replied. " **The reason we can't make heads or tails** _ **of these guys is because THEY'RE EVOLVING!**_ **NOT JUST INDIVIDUALLY, BUT AS SPECIES!** _SOME OF THE THINGS WE'VE FOUGHT, THEY COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE THAN A MONTH OLD! Maybe less!"_

"Woah, so those were the babies?!" Luffy sat up in surprise. "But they were so tough!"

"No, Captain, what Cross is saying is that those things _were_ the adults, it's just that they grow up really fast and have kids fast too!" Boss clarified. "Which… explains us not getting what they're saying. They're evolving so fast that their… er…" Boss spun his flipper, searching for the words. "Let's say 'communication skills', have grown way beyond what we recognize."

Soundbite nodded at the dugong. "BINGO. _AND REALLY, THAT'S THE_ _ **STICKY BIT. 'CAUSE AFTER ALL…**_ **we've seen this before, remember?"**

Luffy's eyes widened in recognition. "Wait, you mean—?!"

"Shshsh!" I hissed, shooting a scathing glance at our ever-present watchers.

Thankfully, Luffy got the message and he rethought what he was about to say. "You mean that the same guys who made… _him_ who he was made these things too?"

"It fits what _he_ said. An island in the sky that's not a sky island, animals more vicious than you can imagine…" I slowly looked at the islands listing through the sky above us with new eyes. "A 'realm ruled by power'. A world where the strong devour the weak without pity."

Boss tsked darkly, eyeing the carcasses of our downed opponents. "Strong World… yeah, that's a damn better name for this place than 'Merveille', that's for damn sure."

"Cross," Funkfreed interjected. "We're getting off-topic: what did you mean that we've been drugged?"

"Remember the bastards who came to get _him?"_ I asked the elephant. "They said that 'Indigo' was the one who gave them the experimental drugs that pushed their bodies above and beyond their limits." I pointed down at our meal. "Sound familiar?"

"So…" Luffy frowned and tilted his head almost a perfect 90 degrees to the side, the gears almost visibly turning in his head. "You think this Indigo guy is working for _that bastard,_ and he's been using his mystery drugs to turn animals into the things we're fighting?"

"Precisely." I pointed at him. "Indigo doses the animals, the animals become titanic murder-monsters. The poison that makes them monsters stays in their bodies, we kill and eat them and get that stuff in our bodies, letting us keep fighting for a week straight without worrying about sleep." I looked down at my hand and clenched and unclenched my fist. "Thankfully, it looks like whatever Indigo's been giving these things is better than what he was giving the Amigos, so I don't… _think_ we're gonna wind up like those guys. But just to be safe, let's not have any kids until Chopper's given us a once over. Agreed?"

Most everyone else nodded with no small amount of trepidation, but Luffy was still frowning in confusion.

"You still don't understand something, captain?" I asked.

Luffy made to answer, and then we all felt a spike of terror shoot through us when he snapped his attention to the side.

"So what you guys are saying is the reason we're all stronger is that we ate the animals that had that Indigo guy's mystery drugs in them, right?" Luffy said slowly, his eyes steadily scanning the treeline.

"Yeeeaaah," I slowly drew out my confirmation, glancing around to try and find whatever had Luffy so on edge. "It's probably how Funkfreed's been keeping up too: blood from the animals seeping into the ground, and then the plants. "

"Alright…" Luffy nodded in understanding. "Then I've got another question." He glanced at us with dead seriousness. "If that worked for us, wouldn't it work for the animals too?"

Soundbite and I slowly exchanged questioning looks. "Uhhh… maaaybe?" I hedged.

"THAT… DOES MAKE SENSE," Soundbite confirmed with a jerky nod. _**"** **Kinda like a perversion of biomagnification, WITH THE TOXINS**_ **HELPING** _**THE ANIMALS…**_ **for a given definition of 'help,' anyways."**

"It'd definitely enforce the whole 'survival of the fittest' theme this place has going for it," Boss mused, cupping his chin in thought. "The strongest animals would eat the most, and thus become even stronger as they horde the toxins, making them the… undisputable… alphas…" The captain of our ship's guard slowly trailed off as he turned his gaze on the trio of beasties we'd just downed.

Lassoo and Funkfreed both broke into a cold sweat as they reached the same conclusion we were all achieving.

"Alphas," Funkfreed whispered quietly. "Like the ones we've been running into over the past week. That the other animals have been _driving_ us into."

"And whose corpses we've had to leave mostly intact when the other animals chased us away?" Lassoo whimpered.

"They wanted us to take down the strongest animals around for them," Luffy stated as he slowly stood up, his hand tilting his hat down so that it shadowed his eyes. "So that they could get their jaws on the mystery drugs for themselves."

"And now," I picked up, slowly joining Luffy in standing up, Lassoo and Funkfreed hastily ran to my side and shifted so that I could hold them and brandish them at the jungle, which I was suddenly _very_ wary of. "After a week of running around and killing alphas and who knows how many other beasts, they've gotten their fangs and mandibles on a motherlode of toxin all at once. They've all become significantly stronger. Strong enough to kill any alphas they want on their own." I swallowed heavily, clenching my weapons as tight as possible in an effort to keep myself from shaking. "Strong enough that they don't need us anymore."

"And because they've been trained to think that eating something gives you its strength…" Boss grunted, idly spinning his hook in his flipper. "There's no way in hell that they're going to let prime cuts like us walk away without tearing strips from our hides."

Soundbite slowly closed his eyes with a pitiful moan. _"How'd you figure out they were_ RIGHT **outside the edge of my hearing, CAP'N?"**

"The jungle was too quiet," Luffy grimly answered. "They were pulling back to charge us all at once as soon as they were ready…"

_"And they're ready,"_ Soundbite sighed as the sound of snapping trees echoed from not far away. _**"** **This is gonna suck…"**_

**-o-**

"I actually feel sort of sorry for them at this point," a blue-haired swordswoman sighed as she practiced her slashes.

"Kyuu," chimed her on-looking companion.

" _Soundbite?"_ Cross asked without looking at his partner.

_"A dozen._ TWO DOZEN. _FIFTY,_ **A HUNDRED,** _**TWO HUNDRED…"**_ The snail's naturally ashen complexion slowly became paler and paler. _"Sonnuva_ **RED DOG** , _**I THINK THE WHOLE DAMN ISLAND WANTS TO TRY ITS LUCK!"**_

Monkey D. Luffy, meanwhile, squared his stance and shifted around so that he and his tactician were back to back. _"Cross, do you have a plan?"_

Cross licked his lips, nervously twirling his sword in his palm. _"Well, Luffy, considering how we're surrounded on all sides, vastly outnumbered, and have no way out and no hope of backup or rescue… yeah, I think I have one."_

Boss slowly sucked in a deep breath, calmly reducing what was left of his cigar to ashes before flicking away the remaining stub. " _What is it?"_

K-CHK!

_"How does 'make a stand' sound to you?"_ Cross asked grimly.

_"IT SOUNDS GREAT!"_ Luffy flung his arms out with a massive roar, eyes blazing with primal fury. _"BRING IT ON!"_

"Well, at least they've still got their 'never say die' attitude," Tashigi rolled her eyes, half wearily and half fondly.

"Lieutenant Tashigi."

Said swordswoman looked back towards the grunt who owned the visual snail they were currently making use of—something about it helping with lookout duty—as he approached.

"Our destination is on the horizon; we'll be there in an hour or less."

"Thank you, Petty Officer," Tashigi said, and then turned to her newer recruit. "Popora, could you inform Commodore Smoker that we're nearly to Navarone? I need to alert Vice Admiral Jonathan to our arrival."

The hybrid creature snorted, but still scampered off into the ship.

**-o-**

The thriving town of St. Poplar was enjoying a massive shake-up in their normal routine. The pirate crew that had arrived a day before to resupply—regulars on the island, well-known for being good customers—had leaped at the opportunity that the sudden broadcast presented; in less than an hour, a full-scale festival had sprouted up around the screen.

And like all good festivals, everything had a somewhat overlarge price tag.

"Oh, sweet Christmas!" 'Silver Fox' Foxy cackled, wringing his hands together. "Some of ze Straw Hats' strongest and most infamous members getting in an all-out brawl with an army of mutant super-animals!? We're going to make a mint!"

"On top of the mint we've _already_ made, you mean!" Porche agreed, poring over the laboriously organized cash box. "We haven't made this much since the Mock Island Massacre!"

A trail of drool slipped out of Foxy's mouth at the memory of that debacle. "Soooo many drunk idiots thinking they could outmuscle us! And every one of them completely wrong! Oh, may the world never run short on suckers!"

"Hey, you!"

The shout snapped Foxy out of his daydream, and he shot a stink eye at the local thug who was pointing a gun at him and his aide. "Case in point… hey, lazy-eyes, you want our hard-earned money, which we earned through honest swindling?" The pirate stepped aside and gestured forwards politely. "Then please, by all means."

The thug gave Foxy a confused look before leering and starting to dash forwards. "Weak-ass piece of—!"

"Slow-Slow Beam," Foxy drawled, freezing the would-be robber in place. Porche followed up ten seconds later by tossing the now-empty money-box at the man's head, upon which Foxy froze the box as well.

"Have fun with that, dingus," the Silver Fox called over his shoulder with a wave and a chuckle. As he walked towards the screening area, he started wringing his hands again, fighting the urge to cackle. "Now, time to see the one-sided beat—!"

"Captain, we've got a problem!" Pickles shouted frantically as he jogged up to his shorter superior.

"Oh, come on, don't tell me the three stooges and change _already_ beat them all!" Foxy snarled, shoving past his subordinate. "I know they're ludicrously powerful, but even for them there's a limit!"

"Ah, no, the problem's not really with the fight itself…" Pickles grunted as he hustled after his boss. "But, well…"

"ARGH!"

Foxy could only gape in horror at the screen, which showed a soaring, rapidly moving view of the airborne archipelago _with no Straw Hats._

"It's the fact… that the bird isn't sticking around… to watch it…" the tackle-master finished weakly.

"THE SECOND THAT SKINNY TWERP GETS HIS BOX BACK, I'M RIPPING HIM A NEW ONE FOR ALL THE WORLD TO HEAR!" Foxy roared.

"Hey hey hey, it's not his fault, that's not fair!" Pickles hastily defended their incognito superior.

"The betting on that blowout was going to fund our commission to Water 7 to build the Brass Fox," Foxy snarled in an almost rabid tone, teeth audibly grinding. "You know, the ship that Hamburg was going to be in charge of and that was going to have our own custom booby-trapped Groggy Ring on its deck?"

"I'LL DICE THEM INTO BITE-SIZED PIECES!" Pickles howled, ripping his sabers from their sheaths.

"Boss, Pickles, knock it off," Porche cut in. "Think about it for a minute. This broadcast is obviously meant to show off the Straw Hats struggling to the world. If it's leaving those three right as it's getting good, either it's going to show some of the _other_ Straw Hats—"

"Or it's going to show the big man himself getting a status report," Foxy finished, his irritation ebbing away and his grin returning. "Either way, more of a show… and still something that can be bet on! Someone hurry up and set those odds!"

"You ever think the Boss might be taking this a bit far?" Capote hissed to the crew's announcer.

"You haven't seen the treasure tax that our big boss's treasurer and second mate slapped him with…" Itomimizu sorrowfully replied.

"Oh, cherry blossoms!" Porche squealed in delight.

Attention returned to the screen, where the eagle was currently soaring over a lovely land filled with the cherry blossoms of springtime and where a different variety of monsters was swarming and raging. At the same time, a distant sound drifted across the connection. It took a moment to identify, but the more that the eagle flew, the more it sounded like Soundbite was nearby given the sonorous music blaring out. And alongside it was screaming…

_"NAAAMI-SWAAAN! ROBIN DEEEAR! PRINCEEEEESS VIVIIIII! WHERE ARE YOU, MY LOVELIES?!"_

_"EVERYOOOONE! WE'RE HEEEERE! RIGHT HEEEERE!"_

_"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, WILL YOU TWO MORONS STOP GIVING AWAY OUR LOCATION?!"_

_"ARF ARF A-ARF ARF!"_

_"WHY DID I HAVE TO BE STUCK WITH THE SUICIDAL IDIOTS!?"_

The eagle finally came into view of the source: Sanji, his face mostly hidden by a large hat and… medical mask; Conis, Tone Dials in both hands blaring out music for all to hear; another one of the Dugongs, Mikey by the color of his bandana; and a very miserable-looking Usopp who was making just as much noise with his exasperated sobs.

"Perfect!" Foxy exclaimed in joy.

_"MIKEY, YOU CANNOT TELL ME THAT AFTER ALL YOUR TRAINING WITH BOSS, YOU'RE STILL THIS STUPID!"_

The Dugong paused his bellowing, glared at Usopp, and flailed his flippers in a somehow significant pattern before resuming his bellowing. The sniper blinked and pulled a book out of his bag, flipping through the pages and muttering. Several people in the audience, meanwhile, just looked confused, lacking a translation.

"I'm pretty sure that he just said 'I don't care, this is fun.'"

Attention turned towards Foxy, who shrugged. "I don't know a lot of sign language, but I've seen _that_ phrase more than enough times over the years."

Usopp's eyes twitched as he found the translation, clearly fighting the urge to throw the book at the dugong.

_"FUN?!"_ he screamed.

And right on cue, the foliage at the edge of the clearing parted, and in charged… a green giraffe.

_"…OK, seriously. Why would anyone ever try to make a_ giraffe _into a killing machine? It was stupid enough the first time,"_ Sanji shook his head.

**-o-**

Elsewhere in the Grand Line, Kaku was struck with a sudden urge to murder someone.

He then blinked in surprise when something poked him in the shoulder, and turned to find Hattori offering him a flask of… _something_ or other.

"You too, huh?" the long-nosed assassin deadpanned, and then sighed in defeat when the pigeon nodded. "Alright, hit me."

**-o-**

Predictably, the giraffe was only the vanguard of the mob of animals that the pirates' noisemaking attracted. From all around, a stream of beasts emerged: a gigantic caterpillar, a massive blue tiger with two tails and six legs, a swarm of small bulls that bore a resemblance to tikis, a giant and menacing squirrel, a king-sized boar with porcupine quills over its entire body…if anyone watching was disappointed about not witnessing a massive free-for-all, this was a good consolation prize.

Besides, they kinda _were_ getting a massive free-for-all. Sanji, upon seeing the stampede, dove straight at the small bulls, sending the creatures flying alongside a musical accompaniment of sung beef recipes. That prompted the bulls to put aside their differences and gang up on the chef, though the steady flight of more of the bulls clearly indicated how well _that_ strategy was working.

Conis and Mikey, meanwhile, pulled out weapons that were very much _not_ what the viewers were used to. After all, nobody had heard of Conis using a piece of wood the size of a small cannon in a manner much akin to a staff, nor were nunchucks usually constructed out of bones.

The lack of special effects from Usopp, situated behind the above two plinking away at the quilled boar, merely emphasized the oddness.

"Where's the kaboom?" Pickles complained. "Come on, we know those two are _bristling_ with explosive goodies! Why aren't they using them?"

"Do you know how fast ammo runs out in a sustained firefight?" Porche shot back. "I do. I do the accounting after every battle. You _never_ have enough. Honestly, if they still had any ammo past day one I'll eat my makeup kit."

"Then why's Usopp still shooting?"

"Because he's shooting _rocks_ , dingus," Foxy deadpanned. "You look closely, you can see them shattering on that porcupine boar thing. He doesn't need gunpowder, and you can just pick decent rocks for shooting off of the ground. That slingshot'll keep shooting until something breaks, and from what we know of his work that's a long way off."

On-screen, Mikey dodged out of the way of the caterpillar, before kicking off the air and landing on its head. To the surprise of everyone, he then swung his nunchucks down and around the insect's body, grunted happily after an experimental tug, and then used his tail to slap it into motion.

To the surprise of no one, that just pissed it off, and the caterpillar began thrashing about, trying to dislodge its impromptu mount.

The boar, meanwhile, seemed to have tired of getting shot at, as it shrugged off one last rock to the face before pawing the ground and charging straight at Usopp. One last rock failed to slow it down, and everyone expected Usopp to beat feet away.

So you can imagine the reaction to him planting Kabuto in the dirt and standing his ground.

"Is he crazy?!" Porsche yelped, bug-eyed.

"Has the fear finally snapped his mind like a twig?!" Foxy demanded.

Pickles shook his head. "Nah, he's gonna do something really cool! I know it!"

Usopp continued to stand his ground as the boar drew ever closer. In fact, he wasn't moving at all. The festival atmosphere evaporated in favor of tense silence as everyone in the square watched the feed, and mothers covered the eyes of their children. Were they about to see this broadcast turn into a snuff film? And why wasn't Usopp doing anything?!

The boar was about five feet from Usopp when the camera suddenly panned up. Protests died on the audience's tongues at the sight of Conis falling out of the sky, her log-like weapon grinding into the windpipe of the blue tiger, the creature trying and failing to dislodge her with its tails. With a grunt of exertion, the Skypiean flipped in mid-air, the tiger going along for the ride until it belly-flopped right onto the charging boar.

There was a moment where the only sounds were the background battle noises, and then both creatures squealed in pain, a good octave or two higher than their initial voices. Given one had been squashed under two tons of squirrel and the other had gotten a bellyful of porcupine quills, this was an entirely appropriate reaction. The tiger promptly clambered off the boar, and both beat a hasty retreat, leaving behind a still-frozen Usopp and a panting Conis.

_"Oh, good…"_ she groaned. " _I wasn't… sure that'd… work… ow… gonna need to ask Sanji for another massage tonight…"_ Straightening, she turned towards Usopp. _"Usopp, the beasts are gone."_

The Foxy trio exchanged confused glances, but shouting from the square drew them back to the show in time to see Usopp keel backward, which showed _exactly_ why he hadn't dodged: his eyes were wide, tearing, and bloodshot, and his entire expression radiated terror.

_"Oh, I have I-Don't-Want-To-Be-On-This-Island-Anymore Disease again,"_ he whimpered. _"And this time it's fatal."_

"You were saying something?" Foxy queried, one eyebrow raised as he looked sidelong at Pickles. A gaping, poleaxed Pickles.

Meanwhile, the camera panned back up to take in the entire battlefield. Mikey was still riding the caterpillar, and the clearing was now noticeably larger with shattered trees strewn about. Bulls were still flying from where Sanji was fighting. And Su… had just smugly strutted into the picture with the giant squirrel lying in an insensate, twitching heap behind her?! What?

As if sensing the patent disbelief of the distant audience, the cloud fox turned to the camera and stuck her tongue out at it.

"How…" Porche breathed.

"Guess that confirms Cross's hypothesis of the drugs being intended for animal consumption…" Foxy half-whimpered.

"You mean that now she's—?" Pickles began, only to flail his arms.

"Uh-huh…"

After another few seconds of open-mouthed gaping, by some unspoken agreement, the audience collectively decided to forget that had ever happened. At least, that happened with the Foxy trio. Besides, much more interesting things were going on elsewhere on the screen. Sanji, for instance, kicking an opening through the pile of bulls that had been around him, before delivering a " _Party Manners Kick Course!"_ right to the center of the caterpillar as it bounded over him, still trying to dislodge the stubborn dugong on its back.

The massive insect promptly collapsed into a quivering heap, Mikey rolling off and pumping his flippers, at which point Sanji kicked him upside the head. Conis, dragging Usopp behind her, joined the two a few seconds later, and the audience promptly relaxed.

" _Wait. Where'd the giraffe go?"_

" _BAROOOOO!"_

The audience tensed right back up as the giraffe barged back in on the fight, bellowing and stomping.

"Huh, smart," Porche muttered. "Let them wear each other out and then ambush."

"Ssh!" Pickles hissed.

The Straw Hats onscreen tensed up, ready to fight… and then Usopp stood up and stepped in front of them, a confident smirk on his face.

"Great, _now_ what's he doing?" Porche groaned.

"He has a plan, I just know it!" Pickles barked.

Foxy rolled his eyes. "Like the _last_ time?"

Apparently, the Straw Hats agreed if Su's eye-rolling and Sanji's growled " _What are you doing, shit-sniper?"_ were anything to go by.

Usopp, for his part, just told them, " _Don't worry, guys, I got this."_

The giraffe, for its part, demonstrated its utter contempt for Usopp's bravado by letting out a snort that managed to sound derisive before charging. In response, Usopp braced himself and cupped his hands at his side. Many a facepalm echoed out at that.

"He's not seriously gonna…" Foxy groaned between his hands.

"He's gonna do it! He's gonna do it!"

_"Take this!"_ Usopp declared. " _Super Mega Ultra Turtle Destruction Wave: Version Omega!"_

To the shock of everyone, at those words, a blue glow built up in Usopp's cupped hands. And 'everyone' included the giraffe. Its eyes widened, and it immediately hit the brakes and reversed course back into the underbrush.

Usopp held his pose and expression until the giraffe was not only out of sight but out of audible range before slumping in relief. He recovered a few seconds later, and grinned, bringing his hand forward and revealing what he had in it.

_"A Lamp Dial,"_ Conis said, her expression growing into a smile. " _Impressive innovation, Usopp!"_

_"Well, what can I say?"_ the sniper said, smugly rubbing his finger beneath his nose. " _I'm the greatest liar this side of the Grand Line! No man nor beast can outsmart me when push comes to shove!"_

"And thus, the Straw Hats remind us that even in a realm of brute force, trickery is still a force to be reckoned with," Foxy crooned, scribbling down in a notebook.

Mikey suddenly either had a seizure or sign-languaged another sentence. _"'Any chance you could teach me that sleight of hand later?' That's what he said,"_ Sanji said, pointing to the dugong and dispelling the confusion.

_"Once we're back with the others and out of this nightmare, sure,"_ Usopp said.

_"Oh, yes, the others,"_ Conis said, fishing around in her outfit. Sanji's eye began to morph into a heart and Mikey grinned eagerly, and Usopp's grin fell away, eyes twinkling with pure malice.

_**"** **Oh, like**_ **hell** _**are you three bringing this place down on us again!"**_ he snapped.

Usopp grabbed something out of his bag and vanished. The viewers blinked as a blur shot around the Straw Hats, blocking them from view. Seconds later, the view cleared, revealing Conis, Sanji, and Mikey fumbling with their faces, which were now covered from upper lip to neck in something gray and shiny; Usopp materialized beside the eagle, nodding in satisfaction as he dropped a pair of shells into his bag. He then turned directly towards the camera, holding up a roll of the same material that his crewmates were now struggling with.

_"Duct tape, ladies and gentlemen. The all-purpose tool, and excellent for shutting up noisy crewmates when you're looking for a little peace and quiet."_

"…Porche?" Foxy deadpanned.

"Already leaving, Boss," Porche responded, heading for the nearest hardware store just as the camera's view started to soar away from the Straw Hats again.

**-o-**

"Come on, come on…"

"Your Majesty, you're going to gnaw clean through your thumb at this rate," Igaram chided.

"My daughter and her friends are trapped in a bioweapons lab several miles in the sky that is being maintained by one of the most infamous members of the Old Guard to ever live," Cobra Nefertari grit out, teeth still working at his nail. "If you think I'm going to calm down before I know she's perfectly safe, you're out of your mind."

_"AAAAGH! SOMEONE HELP ME ALREADY!"_

Chaka slapped a hand to his face with a groan at the familiar voice. "Uh-oh." In front of him, Cobra gripped the handles of his chair hard enough for them to creak.

As the eagle swooped down onto a moderately forested island with an autumn climate, the Alabastians couldn't help but feel tense. It was with no small amount of relief to the royals that the camera soon found a path torn through the brown-leaved trees, liberally decorated with fallen animals.

"Well, at least whoever she's stuck with is clearly strong enough to protect her, right?" Pell weakly pointed out.

_"YOU LAZY BASTARDS! GET OFF YOUR ASSES AND MAKE THIS THING STOP!"_ Vivi yelled.

_"'LAZY' MY THREE-POINTED CHIN, 'YOUR HIGHNESS'! WE'VE GOT OUR HANDS FULL, AND THAT'S_ WITH _ROBIN HELPING US!"_

"You just _had_ to say it…" Chaka groaned as the creaking resumed.

The eagle's view finally reached the Straw Hats. And naturally, the scene it showed was an odd one. Vivi had her lion cutters latched in the jowls of a massive blood-red bronco as a makeshift bridle. Her arm wound around one chain while the other arm moved her hair out of her eyes, letting her look back at her crewmates with a growing blush and sheepish expression. Suddenly, Carue materialized a short distance away and began charging towards the bronco, which promptly skipped out of the frame, at which point the camera turned away.

From where the duck had come was a gargantuan banana-yellow serpent. Arms blossomed and wilted all over its body, though Nico Robin herself was nowhere to be seen at first. As the eagle came above the serpent, they saw her struggling within the serpent's grasp, countless arms blooming from all over her body to keep the coils from constricting her. On the outside sprinted Franky, his hair draping down in front of his face; Donny, who had kunai in flipper and seemed to be carving nicks all over the serpent's body; and… another figure in a peculiar outfit.

He had legs clad in black with dress shoes and a sword in one hand. The rest was hidden beneath a _fukaamigasa_ hat with strips of fabric hanging down and covering him from crown to waist. Even the hand wielding the sword that produced more nicks on the serpent wasn't visible.

"That's their musician, I would assume," Kohza said.

The view circled around the serpent for several moments, much to Cobra's ire. When it finally turned back towards his daughter, she wasn't having much better of a time, gritting her teeth while Carue darted among the bronco's legs, apparently looking for an opportunity.

_"SORRY IF I'M BEING A BIT SNAPPY,_ BUT I'M ABOUT TEN SECONDS AWAY FROM GETTING MY NECK SNAPPED!" Vivi shrieked.

_"Yeah, and we're trying not to get pumped full of the acid this thing is using as venom here!"_ Franky snapped back. " _So excuse_ us _if we're a little preoccupied right now!"_ The camera switched back to the snake in time to see Franky punch it and Donny carve another chunk out of its hide, drawing a pained hiss from the beast that seemed to come from everywhere. " _Sonnuva—where is this thing's_ head?!"

_"Yohohohoho! I think that's what this entity's evolution was going for!"_ the apparent musician laughed as he zipped by. His voice was somewhat muffled by his headgear, but only enough to obfuscate his voice a little. Otherwise, he was perfectly audible. " _Never fear, though! I have a plan! All I need is… aha, my flute!"_

"Uh…" The three guards all exchanged confused looks, while Kohza looked thoughtful. Cobra was… less restrained.

"WHAT THE DEVIL IS A FLUTE GOING TO DO?!" he demanded of the screen.

_"STOP SCREWING AROUND AND_ HELP _, BROOK!"_ Franky and Vivi roared and screeched, respectively.

_"I say! What hostility!"_

_"Brook,"_ Nico Robin ground out through what sounded like gritted teeth. _"I'm going to assume you have a good plan here. Implement it, now, before this thing breaks any more of my arms, or I shall strip the flesh from your bones piece by piece and use it to wallpaper my library."_

_"A creative threat… but I don't—GRK!"_ The musician was cut off by what they assumed was a hand sprouting on his body and grabbing his throat.

_**"I will find a way."** _

_"R-Right…"_ Brook gurgled. _"Plan now… joke later…"_

A moment later, a low, haunting melody rang out, one that was almost familiar to the gathered Alabastans.

"I've heard that song before…" Cobra muttered, furrowing his brow in thought.

"So have I," Pell added. "But where…?"

On-screen, the snake froze, before beginning to undulate. After about half a minute, something poked out of the mass of snake. Something scaly, and diamond-shaped, with a forked tongue poking out of it.

"Ah, now I remember!" Igaram exclaimed, plopping his fist in his palm. "It's similar to the snake-charming song the priests of Apophis play during their snake festival!"

Cobra raised an eyebrow. "You mean the deathly boring snake festival that ten generations of Nefertaris have begged out of going to?"

"Er…"

"I was thinking more of the street performers, myself," Kohza stated.

"Your Majesty, look!"

Onscreen, the head of the snake was now blatantly obvious, as was the somewhat glazed look in its eyes. But that's not what drew everyone's attention. No, that was reserved for Nico Robin, who had stepped into the visual snail's eyesight and had donned a scowl of… anger wasn't the right word. Aggravation? Regardless, the expression was vindictive as hell when she crossed her arms.

_"Sesenta Fleur: Tie."_

The gathered Alabastians collectively winced as the music cut off and arms sprouted all along the snake's long neck. Each arm reached down, grasped the snake, and then _twisted_ just so. In no time at all, the head had been stuffed through several loops in the neck to make a neat bowline knot, tying the neck—and much of the body—of the snake into a loop.

The snake, now free of the song, attempted to untie itself, but the knot was too tight and it was entirely limited to yanking its head back. And Franky grabbing it right below the knot, well away from the head, didn't help.

_"I am_ SUPER! _done with all of this!"_ he declared, hefting the snake. " _So just… ah, whatever. I'm out of one-liners!"_ And with that, he gave it an experimental twirl and then slung the loop—no, the lasso—towards the bucking bronco. It neatly settled around the horse's neck, prompting it to stop and stare at the impromptu rope.

That pause proved fatal. Vivi took the opportunity to unsling her Lion cutters and then whip the blade into its eye. The horse whinnied in pain, bucked, threw Franky off the snake… and threw the snake up for the blur that was Carue to grab it. A few seconds later, the horse was neatly hogtied on its side, unable to move.

The Alabastians all sagged in relief as the fighting concluded, a motion that the Straw Hats all imitated.

_"Son… of a bitch…."_ Franky wheezed, bent over and puffing like a steam train. " _That… totally… suuuucked…"_

_"Indeed…"_ Robin concurred, wincing as she rolled her shoulders. " _Not to beat a dead horse—"_ Vivi dope-slapped her, the archaeologist barely flinching. _"But I am_ very much _coming to despise these islands. All in agreement?"_

Donny moved his flippers in what almost seemed to be a pattern.

_"Ah, yes, I suppose that you all have good reason to have long despised these islands. My apologies."_ Robin shook her head with a sigh. _"Anyway… all in favor of a ten-minute break before continuing our trek?"_

_"Aye!"/ "ARF!"_ was the unanimous reply.

" _Glad to know I don't have to break anyone's shins with their own tibia."_ Robin sank to the ground with a gratified groan. The archaeologist then glanced at the musician. " _Still, while we have a second… Brook, do you need any help removing that basket from your head?"_

"Wait, basket? What bas—?" Chaka cut himself off mid-sentence, one eye twitching viciously. "You mean that that's _not_ a hat?!"

"What else bould—ahem, mah, mah, _MAH!"_ Igaram coughed. "What else would you expect of a Straw Hat?"

" _Hm?"_ the named-again Brook asked, pointing at himself in confusion before snapping his fingers. " _Oh! No, no need for that; I believe that I'll keep it for the time being. I quite like it! Snazzy, no?"_

_"Arf arf,"_ Donny deadpanned, which Carue responded to with a snicker and a high-flipper/wing.

"Oh, yes, he is _definitely_ a Straw Hat," Pell deadpanned.

"Indeed," Cobra sighed in relief before giving his retainers a firm nod. "Now, Chaka, I believe you were giving a report?"

"Wha—Your Highness?!" the jackal-man started in confusion. "But what about—?"

"Vivi is as safe as she can be in this situation," Cobra sighed wearily. "She has others of the crew alongside her and she can take care of herself. I am unhappy that she's in such danger, yes, but such is inevitable with any pirate crew, most of all the Straw Hats. The unknown factor is what worried me most; with her status confirmed, I need to return to our present business. Now, what news do you have, Chaka?"

The jackal-man was only a little slow in nodding withdrawing the papers he'd been reading from his jacket. "Alright, where was I… we've covered the blockade status, or lack thereof… no new reports from the Revolutionaries… ah, here we are. The Accinos have reported a strange trend in pirate movements over the last week."

"Rell—mah, mah, MAH!—really? I haven't heard about any pirate attacks recently," Igaram said.

"Exactly the Don's point," Chaka nodded at the captain. "While the blockade keeps out most of the pirate riff-raff, there's always a few who are foolish enough to run it and attack us. Except that recently, they haven't been doing that. In fact…" The general tapped the paper suspiciously. "According to the Accinos, there haven't been pirate attacks up a very large swathe of the Grand Line, period. For some reason, those who fly the black flag have been falling oddly silent recently. One or two is a coincidence, but this many at once…"

"Hm… a good point…" Cobra scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Chaka, do we know when these anomalies started?"

"Um… about a week ago, Your Majesty," Chaka informed him.

Cobra nodded at that and then frowned. "Wait, that time frame… isn't that—?" he muttered darkly, glancing at the screen. He barely held back a curse when he saw that the viewpoint had moved on.

**-o-**

[Well, at least now we know why the hell we couldn't find that island no matter how hard we looked,] First Mate Dugong muttered darkly as he scrutinized the ocean visible between the floating islands. [We were looking in the wrong damn place. Captain, want us to hit the surf again?]

[Don't bother,] Captain Dugong snorted dismissively. [The bastard's taken advantage of one of the greatest blind spots in all life: _nobody_ ever bothers to look up. We'd just be getting a fat lot of nothing.]

[Meaning…] First Mate groaned and kneaded his snout. [That we can only do the same thing we ever do in these situations: suck it up and wait for the Straw Hats to kick ass and take names. Right?]

[Trust me, I enjoy sitting on the sidelines as much as you, but if I can suck it up, so can you. Now shush!] Captain snapped his flipper up to silence any retorts from his second. [The bird's starting to circle again.]

The landscape the bird was circling this time was a land of whites, greys, and muted greens; of snow blanketing the landscape, broken only by the occasional boulder and the taller of the conifers that dominated the visible flora. And dead center in the camera view was a short line of people, a line that included a sight that caused a deep, yawning pit to open up in Captain Dugong's stomach.

See, the group consisted of Zoro, Merry, Chopper in his reindeer form, and Leo all but swimming through the loose powder. _And Zoro was leading_.

[Oh, don't tell me…] the Kung Fu dugong chieftain groaned.

_"This is getting ridiculous…"_ Merry grit out over the howling wind, furiously rubbing at her arms under the furskin cloak she was wearing. " _How the hell can a blizzard last a week straight!? I'm freezing my pitch, here!"_

_"It's not_ that _odd,"_ Chopper pointed out. The reindeer was unchanged in appearance, seemingly impervious to the cold and blinding snowfall. " _Sometimes, we'd have month-long blizzards on Drum Island. You learn to stock up enough food and fuel."_

_[Personally, I'm more concerned with the_ reason _why we're still stuck in this hellhole in the first place!]_ Leo snarled through chattering teeth.

_"The dugong's got a point! Remind me_ why _we let Zoro lead the way!?"_ Merry snapped.

[The ship-girl can speak dugong now?] First Mate remarked.

[She had Boss, the brats, the reindeer, and the snail on her for months! Makes sense that she'd pick up second language or two, don't it?] another member of the crew barked up.

[Fair,] Captain conceded.

_"We already tried letting you three lead, remember?"_ Zoro said with a roll of his eyes. _"But if any of you want to give it another try, go right ahead. I'm sure it'll work out_ great _for you."_

_[Gladly!]_ Leo declared, leaping ahead of the swordsman and jabbing his blade into the wall of snow. _[Now! Onwards! To home and to_ — _!…I just stabbed something in the side, didn't I?]_

The Great Kung Fu Fleet, as one, slapped their flippers to their faces.

Leo had, indeed, stabbed something in the side. The snow rumbled and then fell off in chunks, revealing a massive brown yak with horns the size of trees. And from the expression on its face, it was _pissed_ , a conclusion only reinforced by the angry bellow it let out. Leo hastily removed his sword. The yak proceeded to batted him aside with a single contemptuous flick of his head.

_[WHYYYYyyyy_ — _!?]_ FWUMP!

"… _Right. That's why."_ Merry sighed and slapped a hand to her face. " _Aaaand he just landed in a nest of those ice-raven things, didn't he?"_

The sound of tinkling and windy caws rang out, alongside a miserable _[A-HA-HA-AAAAAGH!]_

[This place just gets better and better…] First Mate muttered sarcastically.

_"Chopper, go save the shellhead. Merry, help me kill dinner,"_ Zoro matter-of-factly ordered. " _And once that's done, you can all stop your bellyaching. I'm positive I know the way out of here."_

The doctor and helmsgirl stared at their erstwhile superior for a few seconds before exchanging flat looks.

_"Chopper?"_

_"Yes, Merry?"_

_"Are we going to die here?"_

_"Ignoring that I'm built for this kind of weather, we have_ _ **a**_ _**72% chance of freezing, 22% of starving, aaand 6% of actually getting out.**_ _So, barring a serious amount of good luck… yes, Merry. Yes, we are."_

A sigh. _"That's what I thought."_

_"ALRIGHT, LISTEN, YOU TWO—!"_

The eagle chose that moment to fly away. Or maybe it just didn't want to stick around in the blizzard any longer than it had to.

[…And now I remember the reason why we don't often _mind_ sucking it up and waiting on the Straw Hats,] First Mate remarked.

**-o-**

"Well, at least Chopper's doing alright, right? …right?"

Dr. Kureha wasn't scowling, but nor was she smirking, and that made Dalton want to jump out of his fur. He had enough composure to hide the fear, particularly after his extended exposure to the doctor. Though the non-zero percent chance the physician could smell fear played a part as well.

"He's doing all right, certainly," she said at last, prompting Dalton to relax a smidgen. "But that's not particularly comforting at the moment. Honestly, Dalton, they've been struggling for their lives against mutated animals in a floating archipelago for the past week. Try to be a little less insensitive, would you?"

Dalton _would_ have responded to that, were it not for a large paw clamping down over his mouth. The president of the Sakura Kingdom shot the doctor's assistant a grateful look for the save, which the lapahn responded to with a soft grunt of acknowledgment. The bison-man turned back to the screen, which was heading back towards a jungle climate. All present wondered if they were heading back to the first group to start the pattern over.

Instead, the eagle soared over to a volcano with a lake in its crater, and not far from it, a large trench that ended within the forest. And at the end of that…

"So, that's the Thousand Sunny," Kureha said, sounding genuinely impressed. "And it's in the same area as the loudmouths and the captain. Well, looks like fortune is still smiling on them. But why's the bird heading there now?"

[BEAT IT, YOU FEATHERY BASTARD! I'LL USE YOUR WINGS TO DUST THE DAMN PANTRY!]

"There we go," Dalton nodded sagely as the bird hastily banked _away_ from the angry barking. "The Straw Hats are as lucky as ever: one of the dugongs managed to stay behind. The… girl, I believe? Raphey?"

"Yeah, that's the one," Kureha nodded in confirmation.

And indeed it was. The pink-bandanna'd dugong was standing on the ship's railing, shaking an oversized shuriken at the bird, the bird quite disinclined to press the matter. It circled around, not coming any closer, leaving the dugong to snort before turning her attention back… to…

"What," Kureha and Dalton deadpanned.

To a pink-haired gothic lolita with a slight tan sprawled out on a lounge chair, apparently out cold, whose face Raphey was in the process of rubbing clean with a wet cloth.

"…They mentioned this on Thriller Bark…" said Kureha, slowly. "Perona. She stuck around with the Straw Hats after the fact?"

"Well, they kept Nico Robin on," Dalton reasoned. "And at least it looks like they're friends or close to it, right?"

On-screen Raphey finished her work and nodded firmly. She then uncapped a marker and went to work on the recently cleaned face, grumbling audibly. As Dalton kneaded the bridge of his nose, Kureha looked to her assistant, who began signing out the dugong's growling:

{I _want_ to go out and get some action in, but I'm the last guard on the ship,} she muttered. {And of course, Boss will hand me my shell on a platter if I shirk my duty. So, here I am, reduced to experimenting with graffiti on our unconscious 'guest' until someone else shows up… next lion I see is going to get carved in half.}

She paused in her grumbling as a subtle growl came across the connection, and coughed awkwardly. {No offense meant, Sunny.}

Apparently, that was enough for the bird, as it chose to wheel up and away from the ship and start flapping away, towards the largest island that lorded over all the archipelago.

"That was all of the Straw Hats, wasn't it?" Dalton asked his surgeon general, while absently counting down on his fingers.

"No, we're still missing two people," Kureha answered, scowling. "Their navigator… and the _raging bastard_ who separated them all in the first place."

**-o-**

"Nami's _alone_ in that floating purgatory?!" Genzo raged, his sword rattling in his sheath from how hard he was gripping it.

"In all fairness, she isn't the same sneak-thief who left us so long ago…" Nojiko tried, though the real measure of her faith was the teeth gnawing at her knuckles.

"Well, I mean, the bird's probably heading her way now, right?" Chabo posed with more confidence.

Said confidence faltered when the eagle broke through a cloudbank to behold a massively ornate complex perched upon the summit of the archipelago.

Nojiko's teeth broke her skin. "Alright, my little sister is being held alone in the main base of one of the most infamous pirates in history. This officially _cannot_ get any worse," she growled around her knuckle.

Before the village's tense, watchful eyes, the eagle swung through the snow-bound ramparts of the compound, displaying a number of ornate lions and _far_ too many well-armed soldiers for comfort.

Finally, the visual-snail's gaze fell upon what appeared to be a greenhouse built into the side of one of the buildings, and the eagle soared towards it. The avian alighted on a specific panel, which swung inward and allowed it to land in the rafters. Which, judging from the large nests, scattered feathers, and handful of other eagles present, was the aviary. The eagle pecked at its chest, and the view suddenly changed to a rapidly shifting array of colors as the harness spiraled down. Nojiko and Genzo barely managed to keep their eyes open through it while the rest of the village had to look away. When it finally subsided, the snail seemed to have settled on a lawn chair next to a swimming pool… where a very familiar figure was emerging, clad in a dripping-wet string bikini.

"…I am _so_ conflicted," Genzo groaned, grinding his palm into his forehead. "She's safe, that's good. She's not in chains, that's even better. _But she's half-naked for the whole damn world to see, which almost makes me wish she_ was _in critical condition!"_

Despite herself, Nojiko couldn't help but laugh, though it was mostly due to the dual relief of her sister being alright, _and_ the fact that Nami had a trio of metal batons in a holster strapped to her thigh. Wherever Nami was, she might have been alone, but she _wasn't_ defenseless.

Said laughter redoubled when Nami paused in toweling herself off and shot an acrid glare at the snail. Reaching down, she threw her towel over the gastropod's carrying case. _"You wanna see something, look at that. Bastards."_

"Thank goodness, she's safe _and_ still fighting," Nojiko sighed in relief.

"'Course she is, you two are Bellemere's girls," Doctor Nako snorted. "No way either of you could ever be anything less than hard as nails."

Nojiko smiled at the compliment, but before she could respond-

_"Awww, no, let the assholes have their show. These creeps haven't seen a real woman in who knows how long, remember?"_

A shockingly familiar voice left a stunned Nojiko and Genzo gaping in shock at each other.

"Was that—?" Nojiko began.

The answer was given when the visual snail knocked itself against the side of its case, dislodging the towel and showing the world that Perona was floating upside down and over Nami, her arms folded behind her head.

"How the hell—!?" Genzo started to demand.

"Cross… _did_ say she had some kind of ghost Devil Fruit, right?" Nojiko offered. "Though why she's with Nami…"

_"Perona."_ Nami casually looked up at Perona. _"Any luck?"_

The ghost-girl scowled, huffed, and flipped herself into a sitting position. _"Same as yesterday: none. They've got this place locked down tight and all corridors watched._ That _little pest-"_ Here Perona pointed at the world's viewpoint. " _Has a lot of family backing it up. Sorry."_

_"Mmph, not your fault…"_ Nami began to pick up her clothes, but stopped with a shirt held halfway up. She then shot a doubtful look up at the ghost girl. " _Perona… I know I've said this before, but I've got to say it again: you don't_ have _to stay here. This isn't your fight."_

"Wow, _she's_ being generous?" Chabo said in surprise. "I'd say when pigs fly, but we've already seen that happe— _OWOWOW!"_

"Got anything else you want to say about my sister, you little brat!?" Nojiko asked as she ground her knuckles into the sides of the boy's skull.

The astral girl huffed out a breath. _"And I've already told_ you—!"

_**PA-DA-DA-DAAAA!** _

Everyone jumped and both Perona and Nami grimaced at the blast of brass music that suddenly came out of nowhere.

_"Oh,_ God, _not again…"_ the spectre growled, clawing her fingers down her face.

Nami, meanwhile, just sighed, shook her head, and finished drying her hair before slipping the shirt on.

Once the clothing was on, the two turned toward the other side of the room, where three silhouettes were visible behind a screen. As the initial fanfare died down and an upbeat song began, the screen flopped down, and three figures were revealed: a gorilla—yes, _gorilla_ —clad in red and pink; a clown-like man in a lab coat with blue hair; and a grinning man with a mane of golden hair, part of a steering wheel protruding from his skull, and swords serving as his legs from the knees down.

And they were all _dancing._

"And _there_ is how it could get worse. They're the _moronic_ sort of pirates," Genzo snarled.

The routine lasted for a solid half-minute, ending with a dramatic pose towards Nami. The navigator gave the trio a scathing look before looking away. _"The clown missed a step three seconds in and was off-sync for the rest of it."_

_"He_ wha—DR. INDIGO, YOU MORON!" the sword-legged man roared, naked terror flashing across the clown's face as the larger man lunged for his throat. "WE'VE PRACTICED THAT ROUTINE A HUNDRED TIMES, HOW IS IT THAT SOMEONE WHO _NEVER_ DID IT BEFORE DID IT BETTER… than…" The wheel-head shot an acrid glare over his shoulder at an unrepentant Nami. _"You're just screwing with me, aren't you?"_

" _Br-r-r-r-_ illiant _deduction,_ _genius,"_ Perona drawled.

Glowering, the man released the clown, who began gasping for breath.

_"…Sorry,"_ the wheel-head muttered.

_"N-No problem, Captain,"_ Indigo choked out, forcing a grin. " _F-Far be it for me to take offense over a good joke."_

Nodding, the identified captain turned back to Nami, schooling his expression into a grin that was clearly meant to be warm but only came across as sleazy.

_"Come now, baby girl,"_ he crooned, stalking towards her. He barely got a foot before a rumble of thunder made him visibly reconsider the move, the storminess of Nami's Eisen cloud mirrored in her face.

Genzo blinked in surprise. "Wow, didn't even see her draw."

_"Touch me, and I will turn your wrinkly hide into_ charcoal," Nami acridly stated.

The captain backed off with a semi-impressed snort. The gorilla, on the other hand, outright roared at her, inches away from pouncing into a very electric situation.

_"Scarlet, control yourself!"_ Indigo chided with a hard chop on the ape's neck. The harlequin didn't flinch when the gorilla turned on him, and instead calmly proffered it a banana. " _Here, eat this instead. You get angry when you're hungry."_

_"OOK!"_ Scarlet grunted happily and grabbed the banana before messily chowing down on the fruit.

"I thought monkeys were supposed to eat meat," said one of the child villagers.

"Not actually a monkey. And that place ain't exactly what I'd call a bastion of natural evolution anyway," Doctor Nako pointed out.

_"Upped Scarlet's dosage again, Doctor?"_ the wheel-headed man grunted inquisitively.

_"Indeed, and with most spectacular results!"_ Indigo gave his boss a thumbs-up and a smile that had _far_ too many teeth. " _Ever since I started injecting the serum into bananas and feeding him with as many as I could, Scarlet's aggression has tripled! Ah, yes, on a related matter, Captain, I require some men to come to my lab and help me dispose of… ah… er…"_

_"A body?"_ Nami dryly provided.

The clown tilted his head thoughtfully. _"…I suppose that bodies do indeed compose a significant fraction of the mass, yes… Let me put it to you this way: they will require mops."_

"And there go my last reservations about Nami having a bounty that large," Genzo muttered. "Thank the heavens that she's grown so strong."

Meanwhile, the captain shook his head indulgently and refocused on Nami, who met his gaze with a frigid glare. _"Aaaaanyway… the reason I'm here is the same as always, babygirl: to give you yet another chance to do the right thing and join my crew. You know…"_ The man's grin widened around his cigar. _"A crew that can_ properly _make use of your talents?"_

Nojiko flushed with rage, Arlong's evil grin flashing in her mind's eye.

Apparently, Nami had the same feeling, her demeanor becoming positively _glacial_ as she scowled at the lion-like man. _"Word to the wise, the last bastard who used that wording got buried in his own castle. And my answer's the same one I've been giving all last week:_ piss off." And with that, she wheeled around and marched off, Perona floating alongside her and flipping the wheel-man off as she went.

The captain wasn't deterred in the least, however, as shown when he puffed out his chest. _"Awww, don't be like that, baby girl! Here, lemme sweeten the deal for you with a little insider info: whenever anyone joins my crew? I give them_ one _wish I accomplish without fail…"_ His grin widened menacingly. _"And I_ never _go back on my word."_

"There's no way she'll believe that again," said several people in the village.

Apparently, that was a sentiment Perona shared, as she sneered viciously at the large man. " _What part of 'go choke on your own ego' don't you get, you putrid—!?"_

_"You mean it?"_

Perona twitched in place and shot a disbelieving look back at Nami, who'd stopped dead. _"Nami, what—!?"_

_"If I join,"_ Nami said slowly, still looking away from the man. _"You'll fulfill my wish, no matter what it is?"_

_"But of course,"_ the man sneered.

"Don't do it, sis," Nojiko hissed.

"… _Fulfill my wish first and then I'll join,"_ Nami tersely said. " _And don't worry, it's an easy one."_

_"Deal!"_ the lion-man barked proudly. _"What is it?"_

The orange-haired navigator turned and displayed an utterly innocent smile that froze the blood of everyone watching.

"Oh, no," Nojiko, Genzo, and Perona uttered in synch for an _entirely_ different reason than before.

_"Kill yourself,"_ Nami politely requested.

For a good four seconds, the only sound was the quiet lapping of the swimming pool. And then...

_"JIIIHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_ the captain laughed hysterically. That lasted for exactly eight seconds. Then he literally flew forward, his right hand closing around her neck.

"NAMI!" Nojiko cried. Genzo would have been right there with her, if not for Nako tackling him and ramming a needle into his neck, putting him out like a light.

_"Alright, listen here,_ baby—!" the captain started to growl before cutting himself off when he saw Nami's eyes. Saw the way that she was glaring defiantly at him, even as she struggled in his grip. _"…You really_ aren't _afraid of me, are you?"_

_"I… grew up… with evil… and I've… faced death… with a_ smile," Nami wheezed out in a biting tone. _"You're… nothing… new…"_

The captain frowned at that, and then he released her, letting her drop to the ground and get her breath back.

_"I underestimated you,"_ he admitted, a note of respect in his voice. But it was gone when he spoke again. _"But you'll change your tune sooner or later…_ Miss Navigator. _You'll change it soon enough. After all…"_ He sneered and lifted his chin. _"Nobody_ _denies Shiki the Golden Lion._ Nobody."

Unaware that her entire village was experiencing a substantial increase of respect for her, something none of them had thought possible, Nami maintained her glare until the legendary pirate and his lackeys turned their attention away from her.

Perona immediately took advantage of the diverted attention, swooping down to Nami's side with a concerned look on her face. " _You alright?"_

_"I'll be better once this place has burned to the ground,"_ Nami coughed, wincing and rubbing her throat. Her expression then turned melancholy as she turned to the frost-encrusted windows. _"And… once I see my friends again…"_

"Nami…" Genzo wheezed out through his drug-induced haze.

"This is even worse than her being in chains…" Nojiko shook her head mournfully. "This can't be happening… the Straw Hats have had bad luck before, but they've never gone a whole _week_ without the situation improving!"

**-ONE WEEK AGO-**

… **Sorry, loyal readers. That's where we leave off for now. We'll have the next installment as soon as we can.**


	8. Chapter 8

### Chapter 63: Chapter 56 - Strong World Pt 2

### Chapter Text

**-ONE WEEK PRIOR-**

"The Thousand Sunny is directly beneath us, Captain."

"Excellent," drawled Shiki at the report from one of his navigators, turning his gaze to the screen. "Feh. A bunch of rookies from the East Blue, of all places, becoming the most infamous crew in the world? The Navy has definitely gone to the dogs." A malevolent grin spread over his face. "But all of that's about to change. It's time—hmm?"

Shiki frowned at the image of Straw Hat Luffy on the viewscreen, which was eagerly waving up at him. For a moment, he considered this sight, and then with a flick of his wrist lowered the island ship enough that he was within the range of their snail. It was only just that he, of all pirates, give condemned men a final meal before their execution, no?

"Yeeesss?" he drawled.

" _A cyclone is coming. Turn your ship ninety degrees to port,"_ a female voice ordered.

Shiki blinked in surprise, then turned his gaze down to the navigation pit below him. "Navigator?" he asked.

"No, sir, our readings detect no such thing," one researcher said apologetically.

"The readings on the barometer are normal as well," another said, donning a smug expression. "I'm afraid their navigator is grossly mistaken."

" _You actually think that's even possible?"_ a lazy yet threatening voice grunted in response. " _You morons don't have a witch reading the air. But hey, if you want to die, we won't stop you. Have fun with that."_

"Sir, they're turning their ship to nine o'clock!" another of the meteorologists called out.

"A-AND I SEE WHY! SIR, WE'VE GOT INCOMING!" one of the soldiers on deck cried out in terror.

"IT'S COMING IN FAST!"

Shiki turned his eyes to the front of his ship, and he gaped in surprise. "A beehive wig?!"

"THAT'S A WATERSPOUT!" Dr. Indigo snapped, slapping his captain upside the head.

**-o-**

" _They've gone out of my range,"_ Soundbite informed us, his gaze on the _floating island-battleship_ above us.

"But they _are_ turning to follow us, so at least they're not _that_ stupid," Nami sighed in relief.

"I'd hope not, especially considering what they're sailing on!" Merry called down as she wrestled with Sunny's helm.

Usopp's reaction to _that_ little tidbit was fairly representative. "Wait, that thing's _actually_ a ship!?" he yelped in shock.

"Oh, yeah, nothing like Thriller Bark!" Merry confirmed. "The core might have once been an island, but it's all ship now. And she is old, proud, and powerful. Really, _really_ powerful." Then she winced. "And really loud, too. She really likes being in charge and making sure everyone knows it, apparently."

I frowned thoughtfully while I wrestled with a particularly stubborn line. "And… does that tell you anything about who's running it?"

Merry tilted her head to the side with an uncertain frown. "Mmrgh… maybe, maybe not… A ship's attitude speaks to itself, its builder and its original crew, with influences from all who come after, but…" She shook her head remorsefully. "Sorry, she's too far to ask, and even then, somebody as grand and proud as that won't consider talking to a caravel or a barque like Big Bro. That's all I got."

"So, be wary if they don't just fly off," Sanji summarized, snorting derisively. "Which, considering the last guy we met who had a flying ship, is pretty obvious."

"That's for _later_ if we don't sink to the damn ocean floor! For now, cyclone at 3 o'clock!" Nami roared at us over the now-howling winds.

"CYCLONE AT 3, AYE!" Merry barked in response, hastily yanking the wheel. "SOMEONE GET AHOLD OF THE MAINSAIL, WOULD YOU!?"

"I'LL GET RIGHT— _ARGH!—_ ON IT!" I yelped, grabbing the line in question. Said line immediately tried to tug me off my feet, and I threw a pleading look around. "COULD I GET SOME HELP HERE?" Then, my gaze sharpened as I realized a _very_ important discrepancy. "AND WHERE THE HELL'S PERONA!?"

"With you in spirit~," her astral form sang as it floated past, upside down without a care in the world, tongue stuck out in a way that would have been cute if I wasn't fighting for my life at the moment. "Isn't that enough?"

"I would prefer to have you in _BODY!"_ The last word was emphasized both on account of my spiking temper _and_ the pulley that suddenly tore itself free that I had to duck…

_THWACK!_

" _AGH!"_

Though Mikey was less lucky. Still, better a Dugong overboard than a man or hammer.

"And what good would that do, exactly?" Perona asked, half her attention on her fingernails. "My seafaring amounts to the unnatural calm of the Florian Triangle and the rigging and sails of Thriller Bark, and _I_ never handled that. You can rage at me all you want, but if I actually tried to help you, I'd just be getting in the way. So of course you forgive me, _riiight?_ " She capped it all off with a bat of her eyelashes.

"Does _this_ answer your question?" I snarled, working a hand free to shot her a specific gesture. The quarrel might have gone on longer had Nami's voice not cracked through.

"Cross, less argument, more movement! And Perona!" She swung around and snarled, paralyzing the smirking spectre. "If you don't have anything good to do while we're in a storm like this, _stay out of the way!"_

Perona huffed, but returned to silently floating above our heads, while I returned to manning the line, Mikey giving me a hand—er, flipper with it once he got back.

Despite how routine it had become for our crew to go to war against the elements of the Grand Line, combating the ocean's spontaneous meteorological blitz never became any less demanding; lesser crews would have sunk within moments, and I suspect that even some of the more experienced pros in the ocean would have had trouble.

But with the combined might of our camaraderie and Nami's nigh-upon divine instinct for all things meteorological, we managed to pull through.

Once the storm passed, we were all left exhausted and sprawled bonelessly across the deck. But we were alive, and that was what mattered. Though there _was_ something else…

Namely, the island still hanging impossibly high above our heads. "They're still not coming back down?" Luffy said, his head tilted in confusion.

"Maybe they realized Soundbite was down here and didn't want anything to do with him," Usopp snidely suggested.

" _ **LICK MY SLIMY ASS!"**_

"That's… actually probably not that far off," Conis pointed out.

Slowly, Soundbite turned his eyestalks on her, visibly twitching. " _Et tu,_ **boom babe?!"**

"Well, you _do_ have an incredibly large range for eavesdropping," the Skypiean hastily explained. "And while _we_ might be used to it and others ignore it, maybe whoever's up there just appreciates their privacy?"

" _Privacy,_ _ **SHMIVA—eh?**_ **UH-OH,** _MAN—! OVER…_ _ **uh…"**_ Soundbite's exclamation trailed off into a shocked gurgle. "C-CORRECTION! _**INCOMING!"**_

All eyes turned upward, and then the majority of our jaws fell in the opposite direction. There was indeed a man coming down, but it looked far too controlled to be free-fall.

"He's flying?!" Luffy exclaimed.

"Devil Fruit," several people said, though that didn't diminish the shock or awe.

As the man came closer, his form became clearer, and he was one of the more eccentric characters we'd met on the Grand Line thus far: his messy golden hair extended down to his knees and parted around what looked like part of a steering wheel lodged in his skull, and he had swords for legs from the knees down. He was also grinning and smoking a cigar, easily the most mundane parts of his appearance.

Of course, that wasn't what had jaws dropping all around deck. This close, it was very clear that his descent was controlled, and the moment that he landed on the pavilion's roof…

" _ **PA-DA-DA-DAAAA!"**_

A brass fanfare blared out from Soundbite's direction, prompting just about the entire crew to jump out of their skins. The unknown pirate, for his part, briefly looked surprised, and then, out of the crazy blue hell, he began _dancing,_ of all things.

… and then Franky and Chopper (in Heavy Point) jumped onto the pavilion and began dancing right beside him, because _why the hell not_.

Quite frankly, I wasn't sure how to react as the music played and two of our crew commenced a dance number alongside this stranger that fell from the sky, moving in perfect sync and stepping down flawlessly from their impromptu stage, continuing the dance until the soundtrack finished off and they ended with mirroring poses.

After a moment, the applause started.

"So this is what it's like to be on the outside of that…" I muttered to Robin.

"Then I suppose I won't have need to hold back the next time you pull such a stunt, hm?" she hummed 'innocently'.

I had a retort for that, I honestly did, but a sudden interruption made sure it would stay unsaid. "JIIHAHAHAHAHA!" the strange pirate laughed joyfully as he hopped down onto the deck, a strong hint of Jamaica in his voice.

"Jiihahaha… that was impressive. How did you know that song, little snail?"

Soundbite shrugged, still grinning ear to ear. "NO CLUE! _I hear a lot,_ _ **and when you touched down,**_ **something just clicked. IT JUST FELT RIGHT!"**

"Happens more often than you'd think… for better or, more often, worse," I sighed mournfully.

"JIIHAHAHAHA!" he laughed again. "I knew I was getting into _something_ when I decided to come meet the famous Straw Hat Pirates in person, but I never expected _that."_

He paused, looked over the crew, and he opened his mouth to speak again.

"I want his legs."

Then all eyes turned toward Leo, who clapped a flipper to his mouth, apparently not meaning to say that out loud.

"I love this day. Anyone else love this day?" Mikey breathed reverentially, his muzzle stuck in a positively shit-eating grin.

"Yuuup~!" Donny and Raphey both sighed rapturously.

"Jihahahahaha," the man chuckled, extending his legs forward to give a better view of the double-edged swords. "You've got a good eye, dugong. Oto and Kogarashi are famous blades that have fought well with me for decades. I used to wield them normally, but you can't be an old pirate without sacrificing a few things along the way. Ahh, but don't be fooled!" The man's grin widened proudly. "Just because I'm wielding them in a non-traditional manner doesn't mean I can't _use_ them in the proper fashion! Observe!"

Putting up his fists in a boxing stance, the man lifted one sword-foot and let loose a few side kicks. Kicks that blurred from sight, and were accompanied by a metallic whistling sound. Eyes widened or sparkled all-around at the sight.

But he wasn't done yet. Bringing his sword-foot down again, the man lifted the other and then spun a roundhouse kick… and then ended up spinning on his sword tip, shaving grass from the deck and leaving him dizzy, wobbling, and then on the deck once he stopped.

I couldn't help but chuckle as I held out a hand to the old man. "I'd make a crack about sea legs, but I'm guessing it'd be in bad taste?"

"Jihaha!" our guest laughed, taking my hand to pull himself up, clapping me on the shoulder as he went. "You're about twenty years too late, my friend. But you do have the gist of it: when you're capable of traversing the heavens like me, it can be a bit of a chore to get used to being back on the ground. Ah, but anyway, getting back on task!"

He stood tall and raised his head proudly. "I obviously know who all of you are, so allow me to introduce myself. Captain Shiki 'The Golden Lion', a fellow pirate! Now, then, first things first! I believe the one who warned me and my crew about that cyclone was your crew's navigator, Nami, yes? Which one of you lovely ladies might that be?"

"That would be me," Nami said, raising her hand.

"Ah. So I have you to thank, baby doll," he drawled.

The air around our navigator immediately rumbled and began to smell of ozone.

"Watch it, old man," Nami warned him in an irritated tone. A good chunk of the guys standing behind her immediately started chopping their hands across their throats. Shiki chuckled again, raising his hands in mock surrender.

"Too far?" Everyone not in Nami's line of view nodded frantically. "Well, either way, thank you for the warning."

Nami narrowed her eyes suspiciously, but she let her clouds fade back to white with a dismissive grunt.

"Ah, moving on, could we address the elephant in the room?" Vivi asked.

"Hello, Funkfreed," half the crew deadpanned politely. Yeah, we'd worn _that_ phrase out damn quick.

"I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE FLYING ISLAND-SHIP!" Vivi snapped, jabbing her finger at the structure in question.

The elephant-sword dropped his head mock-mournfully. "Nobody ever wants to talk to Funkfreed…"

"Can't imagine why! Hwee hwee hwe—!" _THWACK!_ "YIPE!"

"Ah, well, you see—GAH!" Shiki reeled in surprise as he looked up, and the reason became clear when Perona, already floating between the wheel-headed man and his flying ship, flew down a bit.

The ghostly goth glanced up from her pointless nail filing, apathy written all over her face. "Can I help you?"

"M-M-My fairy godmother?!" he exclaimed.

An awkward silence fell in which some of the crew visibly considered dope-slapping the older pirate. I should know, I was one of them.

"…No," Perona said blandly, before disappearing back into the crow's nest.

"Damn, that would have been convenient," the lion-man snapped his fingers with a tsk.

"…Aaaanyway," Carue coughed into his wing. "Didn't we alweady say it was fwying because of a Devil Fwuit?"

"A-Ah, yes. The Float-Float Fruit, to be precise," Shiki explained, his composure returning as he stepped towards a barbell that Zoro had discarded on the deck. "I can manipulate the gravity of any object I touch, no matter how large or small. I'll give you an example."

He touched the weight, straightened, and then gestured.

Living on the Grand Line, you see a lot of things flying through the air, typically because of some storm or other tossing everything not tied down this way and that. But usually, a _fifty-pound barbell_ wasn't on that list of items, and it most _definitely_ never just floated through the air like some sort of soap bubble!

"Wow," Conis breathed in awe, pushing at the barbell with a finger and causing it to spin lazily before looking up at the ship. "And you can levitate something that big… constantly?"

"Not even that hard, angel!" Shiki replied. "I don't need to 'levitate it' at all! Once I tell something to float, it floats until I _tell it_ to stop floating! Doesn't matter if it's a pebble or a mountain; if I'm involved, it doesn't fall without my permission!"

"Th-That, that's really…" Usopp gagged in shock.

"That's how those kind of Paramecia work," I spoke up, drawing everyone's attention. "From what I can tell, with any fruit that deals with manipulating things, they only wear off when the user wills it or gets knocked out. Though…" I turned back to Shiki. "To manipulate that much mass _is_ impressive. I'm guessing that required a lot of practice to pull off."

"Naturally," Shiki responded with a grin. "But I'm no rookie pirate, Jeremiah Cross. I may have spent the last two decades in hiding since my last grand hurrah, but I've been on these seas since the days of the late King of the Pirates. Why…" His grin widened to display incredible pride. "I'll have you know I even traded blows with Roger more than once!"

My eyes shot wide in shock. "Holy— _seriously!?"_

"Ooooh yes!" Shiki nodded. "If you think Whitebeard was the only one to come out of that era, you're nuts. Now, granted, I didn't exactly come out of it—" He tapped one of his 'legs' in the lawn. "Unscathed, but I still got out, and in the pirate world, that's good enough for me!" He then glanced at the rest of the crew. "You may now lavish me with praise, if you so wish."

The Kiddie Trio and TDWS promptly complied. "SO COOL!" Heck, most of the crew looked decidedly impressed with the man.

"My, to think we would encounter such a famous pirate…" Robin muttered in awe.

"You've heard of him?" I inquired with a cocked eyebrow.

Robin's response was to give me a flat look. "Unfortunately, no. I was… _otherwise occupied_ twenty years ago, as you'll recall." I hastily glanced away with a sheepish cough. "And meanwhile, I believe I should be saying the same to you, no?"

"Ehh…" I tapped my temple, but I quickly had to admit defeat. "I… _think_ I remember something about him? Maybe? Best I've got is that he's telling the truth about knowing Roger. He wasn't… front and center, if you get my point?"

"Either way, it takes a special kind of strength to lose a leg and keep going strong, let alone two legs," Sanji said, looking with grim admiration at the stumps where the swords were lodged. "Though I guess it's not _that_ big of a deal if he can fly."

"Um…" Conis spoke up tentatively, raising a hand. "If you met the Roger Pirates… is there any chance you might have met my mother, Serra?"

The cheering stopped and Shiki's face snapped into a more serious expression the next moment, all of his attention upon Conis.

"S-Sorry, it's just…" Under Shiki's intense gaze, our gunner nervously glanced aside. "I don't remember that much of her, and I only just learned that she was a member of his crew, so… i-if you know anything, would you… well, mind…"

For a long moment, Shiki was silent, and then he looked away with a heavy, smoke-filled sigh.

"…Roger had no shortage of respect from me, but I was not friends with the man," Shiki said, raising a hand to his skull beside the steering wheel. "This was the result of my last clash with him."

An uncomfortable silence fell, but a smirk grew on Shiki's face. "That said, even with the abnormal being normal on this ocean, it's hard to forget a Sky Island native. The finer details escape me, but I distinctly remember how she fought. She was a pillar of strength, she possessed a bottomless stockpile of artifices to employ, and she _never_ backed down…" The lion-man winced and rubbed her jaw. "And now that I think about it, she had freakish good aim with a bottle of rum, too."

Conis rubbed the back of her head, and a few others on the crew snickered, but she smiled gratefully. "Thank you, sir."

Shiki raised his chin with a wide grin that had a hint of… something in it? I 'unno. "Happy to help! Anything for a child of Roger's crew!" he boasted.

"Well, in that case, how about something for the kit of a pet of a member of Roger's crew, eh?" Su piped up in her characteristically impish tone, most of us bracing for snark. "If you can make anything fly, think you could take Carue for a spin? Ya know, make him into a _real_ duck? Tseeheeheeheehee!"

"Ah, shaddap, Su," Carue squawked, rolling his eyes. Then, with a frown, he looked back at Shiki. "Though aye wouldn't say 'no'…"

"Jiihahaha! No can do, it doesn't work on animals!" Shiki replied, waving his hand. "I can make myself float, but that's about it."

"That's _awesome!"_ Luffy gasped, eyes sparkling. And then they lit up in an entirely _different_ light. "Oh, oh! I know, make me fly! I wanna fly!"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Usopp and Chopper eagerly agreed.

Shiki belted out a deep belly-laugh. "Sorry, my friends, but that includes humans."

"Oh." Luffy's expression promptly dropped into a sulky pout. "In that case, that's lame."

"Boo, boo," Usopp and Chopper chorused in agreement.

"Sorry to disappoint," Shiki said, taking a seat at the pavilion. "But there are sights in my hideout that I think you'd enjoy." His smile faded, and he looked to Luffy. "I might offer to take you there as a sign of my gratitude, but I feel as though it may be better served another way. From what I've heard on your show, you all are from the East Blue, yes? I hate to inform you of this, but recent scuttlebutt has said that the Navy is mobilizing to deal with a mysterious threat in your native ocean. It sounds like your homes are in deep trouble."

Aaaand that killed the mood right dead.

"We're aware," I nodded solemnly. "We had just decided to set a course back there when you came along."

"'Zat so?" the pirate said, raising a brow. "So close to the halfway point, and you're turning back now?"

Luffy lowered his hat over his eyes and smiled in the way he only did when he was about to say something wise.

"The adventure and the One Piece aren't going anywhere," he said confidently. "We made it this far once, we can do it again. It's not like we can just keep going when we know that our homes are in danger like that."

"…Quite impressive," Shiki said quietly, getting to his… er, supports. Then he raised his head with his grin as strong as ever. "That settles it, then! You saved my home, and so it is only right that I return the favor!" The man tapped one of his blades in the grass. "I'll use my Float powers to take you there. It'll be easy, I've been using the trick to avoid the Marines even before I went into hiding. And it'll be faster than whatever plan you had."

"Seriously? Awesome!" Luffy pumped his fists with a cheer, an emotion that was shared throughout our crew.

Shiki chuckled at our rejoicing, and I noticed some of the crew stiffen a bit at the twinkle of mischief that entered his eyes. And for good reason, seeing as I myself took a reflexive step back. "That said, I do have one condition for doing this. And before you say anything!" A raised hand, and our objections died in our throats. "I honestly doubt you'll mind."

He turned toward me, his grin growing. "I've been out of the world's spotlight for almost twenty years now. Two whole decades! And in my eyes that… is just not right. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to speak to the world! Anonymously, sadly, I'm not quite ready for the Marines to come after me yet and I don't want them to know where my base is, but…" Shiki let out a despondent sigh. "I just want to say _something,_ after these many long years. Is there any way that could be possible?"

I blinked in surprise… and then my partner and I slowly adopted our trademark Marines-are-about-to-have-a-bad-day grins. "I think," I chuckled, patting a hand on the weapon of mass-anarchy hanging at my side. "That that can be arranged."

"THEN WE HAVE AN ACCORD!" Shiki bellowed in a most grandiose tone, sweeping a hand skyward. "LET US BE OFF!"

And with that, the Thousand Sunny creaked, and shuddered, and then with one almighty lurch the ship went still. Utterly, impossibly still, outside the services of a drydock. Immediately, everyone dashed to the side, myself included, and stared down at the blue sea. The blue sea that we were rapidly rising from, as Sunny flew in a manner that not even Merry had managed to achieve.

I stared down at the sea falling away below us in awe for a second longer before shooting a grin at my partner-in-shell.

"Soundbite, old buddy," I said with an eager grin. "I think that we're in for one of our most glorious adventures yet!"

**-o-**

" _Don don don don! Don don don don!"_

"Guuuugh…"

One of the four strongest pirates alive groaned piteously, sitting up despite the Sea King rampaging in his skull. "How the hell does that big-mouth brat _always_ manage to time his show to when I'm most hungover?!"

"Because you're always hungover, Captain," Beckmann deadpanned.

Shanks blinked dumbly. "I am not!" he protested after a moment.

"Right, sorry. You're only _usually_ hungover," Benn revised, still dry as dust.

"Damn straight, now someone pick that up!" Red-Haired Shanks ordered. "And get me some vodka!"

"You sure you wanna do that, cap'n?" Yasopp called. Behind him Roo took aim at their snail with a well-aimed Sea King bone. "Every time you drink while Cross is talking, you just spit it back up three seconds later!"

Shanks' _ever_ so mature response was to transfer the weight of the bottle to his jaw so he could perform the ever-important task of flipping his sniper off _and_ keep drinking. One of the first tricks he'd learned after becoming handicapped and he hadn't once regretted it.

When they dislodged the snail, the song coming across the connection was an upbeat tune with thumping percussion, blaring horns, and an odd sound similar to a guitar. Lyrics emerged after a few seconds.

" _ **SONO CHI NO SADAME!…JOOOOOOO-JO!"**_

"…'The fate of that blood'? Is this some kind of epic ballad or something?" Yasopp wondered.

"Couldn't be," Rockstar shook his head. "No way that someone named 'Jojo' could be that impressive."

" _And that was Sono Chi no Sadame, by… well, someone you'll all never meet anyways,"_ came Cross's voice. " _I'll talk more about that another time; for now…"_ The anarchist's expression slowly twisted into an absolutely vicious grin. " _Welcome back to the SBS."_

' _Oh crap'_ was the reaction of most of the Red-Haired Pirates'. Their captain, meanwhile…

"PFFFT! GAH, DAMMIT!" Shanks roared indignantly, vodka dripping from his chin. "THAT'S IT! WHEN LUFFY HOPS THE LINE, I'M GOING TO BE THERE TO MEET HIM JUST SO THAT I CAN GIVE THAT BRAT A PIECE OF MY MIND! AND A PIECE OF MY FOOT UP HIS—!"

" _ **HA!"**_

A sudden bark of laughter cut through Shanks' rage.

" _YOU THOUGHT IT WAS_ CROSS WHO STARTED THE SBS!" the trademark bevy of voices cackled. " _ **BUT IT WAS ME, DIO—er, SOUNDBITE!"**_

" _YOU SLIMY LITTLE SON OF A… pffhehehe. Alright, fine, that was a good one,"_ Cross admitted.

"…Oh yeah. Come hellfire or high tide, we're meeting them when they surface in the New World, and I am going to have _words_ with the Voices of Anarchy," Shanks glowered, sitting back down and _chugging_ the bottle.

"Does it technically count if it was in his voice?" Benn asked, frowning.

Shanks twitched at the thought before snapping his fingers at Rockstar. "The Wano Reserve we filched off of one of Kaido's boats. _Now."_

The rookie got up and began sorting through the bottles that littered the beach, grumbling all the while. When he walked by Roo, though, he stopped and shot the other pirate a curious look. "Hey, mind if I ask you something? _Besides_ that first question, I mean."

"Spoilsport…" Roo grumbled into his fresh hunk of meat. "But yeah, go ahead."

"How come the captain's always like… well…" Rockstar nodded his head at Shanks. "I mean, he's one of the Four freaking Emperors! I'm not saying he should be another monster like the fatass or the beast, but—!"

"Why ain't he more respectable like the old man?" Roo finished, smirking. "Easy, really. Think about it: The Cap'n is one of the most powerful, most infamous pirates in the whole wide world. One of the four people in the world that the World Government absolutely, totally, completely can't control. One of the closest things they have to equals. And he acts like…"

Roo flailed his hands about, trying to find the words, prompting Rockstar to nod in understanding.

"Well, you know what he acts like. And you know what he told me, a few years back? 'Every second someone like me is the worst nightmare of the World Government, the Elder Bastards die a little bit more inside'."

"…holy hell, that's brilliant," Rockstar breathed in awe.

_THWACK!_

Then he winced when an empty vodka bottle thumped against his head. "I HEARD YOU AND I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY SAKE!"

"Also, the captain's still a natural stinking drunk!" Roo cackled.

_THUNK!_

"YEOW!" the fatso yelped as a rifle stock slammed over his skull.

"Shut up so we can listen to the rookie," Benn ordered.

"And _he's_ a raging jackass…" Roo muttered.

_THUNK!_

"GAH, RIGHT ON THE OTHER LUMP!"

" _Well, ladies and gentlemen, today is a rather special day on the SBS, as we happen to have a guest here!"_ Cross informed the word in his usual animated tone. " _They're going anonymous for the time being, but they're doing a huge favor for us and all they asked for an interview on here, so let's get started!"_

" _ **Hello, people of the world. It's quite a pleasure to to speak to all of you, one that I've wanted for quite a long time now,"**_ came the dual voices that Soundbite used for anonymity. " _ **I'm keeping most of myself**_ **to** _ **myself for now, but it should go without saying that I am a pirate. A captain of a fine crew that has every intention of shaking up the world."**_

"Well, that doesn't narrow it down very much, that could be any of those starry-eyed rookies," someone piped up.

" _So, getting right into the interview, we've got our questions lined up. Primero: What makes you special enough to be able to shake up the world that much?"_ Cross inquired.

" _ **Weeeell,"**_ the guest speaker drawled with a wide grin. A grin that made Shanks sit up and take notice. " _ **I have spent several years mastering my Devil Fruit powers, which are by themselves enough that I hardly need to try against most opponents. Ah, but I am not complacent; I am a master swordsman as well, and my blades are of the highest quality. I am confident that between these two masteries, no adversary in my path will be a threat."**_

" _Well, while I'm sure that your skills in both those areas is impressive, you'll forgive me if I have my doubts about the idea of one pirate crew taking on the Marine organization… well, one crew that's not ours, anyway!"_

" _ **Careful, Jeremiah Cross. Don't get too big of a head."**_

" _Yeah, but think about how useless the Marines will feel the next time they take a swing at us and miss when we're showing that kind of attitude!"_ Cross shamelessly chortled. " _Anyway, let's see, next question… what's your philosophy, what keeps you going through everything the sea spits out at you?"_

" _ **My philosophy?"**_ the interviewee grunted, the snail's teeth gnashing in a way that indicated chewing on a cigar, as Boss had often shown. " _ **Well… in difficult times, I have two sayings that I always come back to. First, you can't rush perfection; I'm as strong as I am because I took the time to refine my skills. And as much as I love massive payoffs, I've learned again and again that they take endless preparation to pull it off. Be it weeks, months, or even years, it can be hard to put in the necessary time and effort, to not leap for the payoff the first chance you get. But it's worth. It is**_ **always** _ **worth it."**_

" _Admirable. Most folks don't have that kind of self-control. And the second?"_

" _ **Second is that you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. It may sound a bit mercenary, but if you want to reach for the top? You won't make it there without a great deal of agony. Whether the pain comes from simple adversity, a failed experiment in growing stronger, or plain old misfortune, patience is not the only price that you must pay for success. Sometimes things turn out ugly even when you get the result you wanted. Again, though, I find that it is always worth it."**_

" _Definitely an admirable worldview, and one we're all familiar with. I'm impressed."_

" _ **Oh stop, you're making me blush!"**_

"Huh, sounds like Luffy and his crew have run into a pretty impressive pirate!" someone piped up.

"Yeah…" Shanks rubbed his chin, a troubled frown on his face. "But for some reason he's also pretty familiar…"

_That_ sobered up the rest of the Red-Haired Pirates real quick.

"And on this crew…" another grunt slowly clarified. "That's… usually a _bad_ sign, ain't it?"

"Yeah, but… c'mon, it can't _always_ be that bad, right?" someone else asked.

"Mmph… maybe…" Shanks grunted noncommittally.

" _Well, moving on to more material things, I must say your swords are most impressive!"_

" _ **Ha! Your crew just won't get off my back about them, eh? Don't you already have plenty of impressive blades already?"**_

" _Yeah, but except for Funkfreed, they're all katana. I don't even know what yours are. HEY, ZORO, BLADE ID!"_

" _Skillful to Great Grade, now clam it and let me train!"_ the 'rookie' crew's first mate shouted back.

" _Not what I—ugh, never mind…"_ Cross grunted with a roll of his eyes. " _But anyway, yeah, a new pair of Greats is impressive. Especially seeing as I've never seen a matched set before."_

" _ **Yes, well—!"**_

"BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THIS ISN'T ONE OF THOSE TIMES!" Shanks barked, shooting to his feet and dashing over to the snail so he could hastily punch in the SBS's number. "Damn it damn it damn i—!"

"How bad, Shanks?!" Yasopp inquired nervously.

"' _Raging bastard who gave Roger_ and _Garp the fights of their lives'_ bad!" Shanks growled. "The only cigar-smoking asshole I remember to wield both an impressive Devil Fruit _and_ a matched pair of Graded Swords—!"

"Shiki the Golden Lion?!" Benn roared incredulously. Then he ground a the heel of his palm into his forehead. "Luffy, how could you _possibly_ be that unluck—?"

_THWACK!_

Roo cackled as he smashed the remains of his Sea King ribs over his superior's head. "HA! Payback, asshole! Ah, but no, I do realize that this is serious, so—!"

_SMASH!_

Roo fell silent as he, Yasopp, and Benn looked back up at Shanks, who had just crushed the bottle he was holding with widened eyes. His mouth moved wordlessly, those capable of reading lips seeing the words 'wanted to for a long time now' form before Shanks redoubled his attempts to type in his protégé's number… which really only impeded him, fingers stabbing into all the buttons but the right ones.

"— _ **and so I've wielded these blades ever since, and they've never let me down."**_

" _Huh. Quite the story, but I shouldn't be surprised considering how Zoro got his swords."_

" _GUESS IT'S_ JUST A **thing for the** _ **BEST—**_ _Dot dot dot dot!—_ _ **SWORDSMEN! Ooh, a call-in!"**_

"Thank goodness," Shanks breathed in relief.

" _ **Heh, maybe someone looking for advice from a professional pirate?"**_

" _And just_ what _are you implying with that, hmm?"_ Cross scoffed in good humor before picking up. " _Alright, caller, who here do you want to talk to?"_

"SHIKI, YOU GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM RIGHT THE HELL NOW!" Shanks roared at the top of his lungs. "IF YOU TOUCH EVEN A HAIR ON LUFFY'S HEAD, I SWEAR I WILL—!"

" _The world, Jeremiah Cross,"_ came a voice that was decidedly _not_ Shanks.

"GAAAH!" the Emperor raged, slamming the receiver down hard enough to almost knock out the poor snail. "ONE FREAKING SECOND TOO LATE!"

" _I will get straight to the point: I am Vice Admiral Tsuru of Marine Headquarters, and I would like to borrow the services of your SBS to send forth a warning regarding a significant threat that the Navy has been made aware of within the past two days. Will you permit this?"_

"NO!" the Red-Haired Pirates bellowed as one.

" _Eh… I'll allow it,"_ the snail uttered with a shrug. " _Just keep it clean._ I'm _the only one allowed to spew propaganda around here."_

Shanks threw his hand up in frustration, spinning around and stomping away. "THE ONE TIME WE WANT HIM TO BE AN IRREVERENT ASSHOLE!"

"Captain, we can call in once he's—" one of the grunts began.

"No, don't bother," Shanks sighed, pulling up another bottle. "I really shouldn't be directly interfering in Luffy's journey. Besides, it's not like the Straw Hats haven't taken on impossible odds before."

Toning out the broadcast of the snail, Shanks took a long drink, and then wiped off his mouth, before blinking at the nervous and slightly incredulous looks his crew was giving him.

"So… we wait?" Yasopp asked.

"We wait," Shanks nodded. "We'll see if the Golden Lion has bitten off more than he can chew by challenging them. And if he hasn't?"

Without warning, the better part of the crew nearly fainted as a blast of Haki billowed out from Shanks, his glare on the no-longer-conscious snail.

" **Then he'll wish that he had."**

**-ONE MINUTE EARLIER-**

"Fleet Admiral Sengoku."

Said man and Garp both turned to face their old friend, the speaker, who had just entered the room with a sterner look on her face than usual, a snail in her hand. Sengoku took a moment to sigh in discontent at her impersonal address before responding. "Yes, Vice Admiral Tsuru?"

"Will you permit me to call in to the SBS?" The elderly Vice-Admiral pointed at the snail the other two Marines were listening to. "I would like to use Jeremiah Cross's range to spread the warning about Shiki. And to potentially warn them about the threat to their lives as well; the better prepared they are, the bigger the strip they might take out of Shiki's hide."

The Fleet Admiral's growing scowl faded into surprise. He went back to frowning a moment later, but nodded. "Do it. The brat's show can finally do _something_ good."

Tsuru nodded, dialing the number carefully.

"—JUST A **thing for the** _ **BEST—**_ _Dot dot dot dot!—_ _ **SWORDSMEN! Ooh, a call-in!"**_

" _ **Heh, maybe someone looking for advice from a professional pirate?"**_

" _And just_ what _are you implying with that, hmm?"_ Cross scoffed in good humor before picking up. " _Alright, caller, who here do you want to talk to?"_

"The world, Jeremiah Cross," Tsuru stated in a no-nonsense voice. "I will get straight to the point: I am Vice Admiral Tsuru of Marine Headquarters, and I would like to borrow the services of your SBS to send forth a warning regarding a significant threat that the Navy has been made aware of within the past two days. Will you permit this?"

" _Eh… I'll allow it,"_ Cross said nonchalantly. " _Just keep it clean._ I'm _the only one allowed to spew propaganda around here. Mind giving me a second here?"_

" **Sure, sure, go right ahead."**

" _You were saying?"_

"Thank you," Tsuru said neutrally. "People of the world, I am here to make two warnings of the utmost importance: first, to all peoples living in the East Blue, we advise you to exercise the most extreme amount of caution possible. Over the course of the past month, several islands have been razed in totality, all living creatures on said islands slaughtered with extreme prejudice. The most recent attacks have annihilated civilian settlements and left no survivors. Recent evidence also suggests that there is a hostile force directing these attacks, so all civilians are urged to report any suspicious activity they notice to their local Marines immediately and without fail. That is all."

" _Geez…"_ Cross shook his head, a scowl on his face. " _Well, that's just horrible in all kinds of ways. And the other thing?"_

"The second warning, perhaps even more critical, concerns the whole world. One of the most infamous pirates in history has resumed activity: Shiki the Golden Lion. He is one of the most dangerous men alive, a ruthless warmonger, one of the greatest rivals of the late Gold Roger, and the only man to ever escape from Impel Down. He is empowered by the Float-Float Fruit, enabling him to levitate himself as well as anything he touches other than animals. And we have reason to believe that he… is…"

Tsuru trailed off, about to say 'responsible for the attacks in the East Blue', but she sighed and grimaced as she registered that the snail's expression had gradually become more and more horrified over the course of her words.

"…he's standing right next to you, Jeremiah Cross, isn't he?" she groaned, kneaded her brow.

" _Guilty as charged, Wrinkles~"_ sang the no-longer blurred voice, which had just taken on a new undertone of malice.

" _YOU! GUM-GUM—WAAAAAAA!"_ came Luffy's sudden bellow, followed by an equally sudden scream of surprise that was echoed by the rest of his crew.

"DAMMIT, LUFFY!" Garp roared. "HOW DID YOU LET YOURSELF GET TAKEN IN BY _SHIKI?!"_

Sengoku, for his part, just had his forehead slumped on his table. It almost sounded like he was sobbing in exasperation as the one good, if reluctant, hope he had of the situation resolving itself without issue _evaporated_.

**-ONE MINUTE EARLIER-**

"Eh, I'll allow it," Cross shrugged indifferently. "Just keep it clean. _I'm_ the only one allowed to spew propaganda around here." He then shot an apologetic look at the crew's guest. "Mind giving me a second here?"

"Sure, sure, go right ahead," Shiki waved him off airily before wandering away. His grin then widened as the Straw Hat's captain came up to him with an inquisitive look. "Can I help you?"

"Well," Luffy scratched the back of his head with uncharacteristic hesitation. "I know you said that wheel messed with your head, and that you weren't really friends, but… uh… do you… remember anything about Roger at all? What he was like and stuff?"

The guest captain's mood swiftly sobered up, and he glanced away. "…he was a great man. Strong, stalwart. Truly a pirate to be admired in every way."

"So cool!" Luffy grinned ecstatically.

Shiki bowed his head as his expression slowly darkened. "…he was also a damned fool, who refused to grasp the world when he had it in the palm of his hand."

"Huh?!" the rubber-man boggled at Shiki for a second before frowning and bringing a hand to his head in thought. "Wait… why does that sound…?"

"What the—? HEY, GUYS!" Usopp suddenly shouted, snapping Luffy out of his thoughts as he garnered everyone's attention. "TH-THERE'S… THERE ARE ISLANDS UP AHEAD!"

"At almost four thousand meters in the air and without a Cumulo Regalis in sight?! You're kidding!" Nami said incredulously, joining the rest of the crew at the Sunny's sides, Perona shadowing her in her astral form, having vehemently denied any idea of getting anywhere near a several thousand meter drop in person.

But no matter how impossible it should have been, none could deny the facts: That the Straw Hat's ship was floating straight towards an archipelago of totally normal islands, bearing a variety of climates and ecosystems… save that they were floating in the sky. And not a single Cumulo Regalis around.

"Woooah…" Usopp and Chopper breathed in gape-mouthed awe.

"I don't believe my eyes!" Brook exclaimed in shock. "My non-existent eyes! YOHOHO! SKULL JOKE!"

"I'm gonna go and get a Vision Dial! Otherwise the guys back on the Fleet'll never _believe_ this!" Raphey barked excitedly, Rip Tide-ing into the Sunny.

"What is this place?" Luffy asked, voice uncharacteristically soft and quiet.

The shadows upon Shiki's face grew deeper and darker, even as his grin grew wider. "That, my fellow pirate, would be the Hidden Land in the Clouds known as Merveille. My glorious hideout."

"Huh?!" Luffy and his crew all snapped their heads around to stare at the wheel-headed man in confusion. "But you said you were taking us to the East—!"

Shiki suddenly snapped his hand up, silencing everyone and allowing them to hear what was being said by their tactician's snail.

" _The second warning,"_ Vice Admiral Tsuru declared solemnly, " _Perhaps even more critical, concerns the world as a whole. One of the most infamous pirates in history has resumed activity: Shiki the Golden Lion."_

Some of the crew stiffened, but most barely reacted; _they_ were some of the most infamous pirates in history, after all. Yet for some reason, Luffy in particular had a frown on his face. Shiki, for his part, just kept grinning and looking ahead. And as the Vice Admiral spoke, listing the other pirate's characteristics, Shiki's grin grew ever wider while Luffy's frown deepened into an out and out scowl, until finally…

"… _he's standing right next to you, Jeremiah Cross, isn't he?"_ Tsuru groaned.

Shiki shot a vicious leer at the source of the Marine's voice. "Guilty as charged, Wrinkles~"

"YOU!" Luffy suddenly roared at the top of his lungs, his face etched into a rictus of fury as he snapped his arm _way_ back. "GUM-GUM—WAAAAAAA!" The attack, before it could be launched, was transformed into a panicked cry when the Thousand Sunny suddenly rocketed straight into the airborne archipelago, throwing the Straw Hats clean off their feet.

Once they adjusted to the momentum, the stronger members of the crew got to their feet, looking around in an attempt to spot their apparent latest threat…

"I find myself curious, Straw Hat!"

And led everyone in glaring up at the mast upon which Shiki had perched himself, visibly basking in his own superiority with an arrogant leer on his face.

"You somehow suspected me when you had no right to!" the Golden Lion chuckled darkly. "How did that happen?"

"I remembered you from Shanks' stories!" Luffy snarled viciously, dropping into a fight-ready position. "And he said that you were the most evil, hateful bastard of a tyrant that he ever met!"

"Sticks and stones, my boy!" Shiki guffawed. "The words of none will ever hurt me! Not yours, not your third mate's, and certainly not that Red-Haired brat's either! JIHAHAHA!"

"BUT MY PIPE SURE AS HELL WILL!" the rubber-man roared, brandishing said implement—

"LUFFY, NO!"

—only to stumble when Cross hastily grabbed his captain's arm. "Cross, what—!?"

"I want to knock his block off as much as you do, but if you neutralize his powers for even a second, we're gonna hit the ocean like it was pavement!" Cross explained in a panic.

"Listen to the boy, Straw Hat!" Shiki called down, accompanied by a belly-deep laugh. "I'm not quite done with you yet, it'd be inconvenient to have to pick your remains up off the seafloor!"

"I THOUGHT I DITCHED THAT GAG IN SKYPIEA! _I'M NINETEEN!"_

"And look at how much I care!" Shiki boisterously replied, throwing his arms out wide. "And while I'm at it, let me _humbly_ welcome you all to the Island of Merveille, as my _honored_ guests! I am quite certain that you will find it to be a most wonderful home for adventurers such as yourselves… once you've _settled in."_

" _Yoooou…"_ Luffy growled from the pit of his stomach.

"Oh, fret not, I won't be in your hair much longer!" Shiki waved his hand dismissively. "I'll just take what I decided to acquire while I was among you and be on my way! First off!" He shot his hand down towards the crew—

"GWAH!"

And suddenly jerked Cross clean off the deck by the strap of his transceiver's bag, the Third Mate yelping in surprise. Cross wasn't hanging for long, however, for as soon as Shiki had a good grip on the transceiver within, he cut the strap with a swing of his leg, letting him drop back down to the deck.

"This most interesting of gadgets, which I will make _far_ better use of then you ever could," Shiki sneered as he spun the transceiver upon his finger, before shooting a titanically _evil_ eye down at the Straw Hats. "And for the second… MY NEW NAVIGATOR!" Without warning the gold-maned captain shot forwards and pounced on Nami.

The navigator _tried_ to snap out her Clima-Tact, but before she could even twitch, Shiki snapped his arm forward and an autonomous rope shot flew out of his sleeve. The living binding wound itself around Nami, both pinning her arms to her chest so she couldn't grab her weapon _and_ gagging her screams of protest as the larger man slung her over his shoulder like a sack of flour.

The Golden Lion took a victorious tug from his cigar, floating himself and his captive skywards with a victorious leer on his face. "And with that," he gloated. "I shall be taking my leave."

"LIKE HELL ARE YOU GETTING AWAY WITH NAMI-SWAN! _SKY WALK!"_ Sanji roared, leaping up and running on the air toward Shiki as though he were climbing stairs.

" _TIDAL SWIM!"_ concurred the dugongs sans Raphey, swimming through the air after Sanji, weapons at ready. Shiki turned back towards them, his eyes widening in surprise. Then he chuckled.

"So you can fly as well? Impressive. But unfortunately, you're a few decades too young to try challenging _me!"_

With that, Shiki tossed his captive up into the air, where she came to a rest about five hundred feet above. The four aerial fighters didn't respond, instead bracing themselves on the air and then pushing off one last time at Shiki. And then, when they were close enough, Shiki _flipped himself upside down_ and began spinning like a top. A razor-edged top.

Sanji, gritting his teeth, immediately went high. With a cry of "Nori Arts!", the dugongs swayed under the blades, at which point Shiki stopped spinning and brought his knees down on Donny and Leo, sending them falling back to the deck, dazed.

That didn't stop either Sanji or Mikey, who pushed off again to try and sandwich Shiki between them. Shiki didn't move, and for a moment it looked like they might actually get them. But at the last minute he soared up and between them, leaving Sanji, unable to react in time, to kick Mikey square in the nose.

"Oh shit!" Sanji yelped as Mikey soared towards the ground to join his fellow dugongs.

"JIHAHAHAHAHA!"

Flames roared in Sanji's eyes as he spun around and shot a glare at Shiki. "You think this is _funny_ , shit-lion?"

Shiki straightened, wiping a tear from his eye. "You kicked your own crewmate in the snout! Of course that's funny! And you must've seen the look on his face." Shiki grinned wider, and then burst out laughing again. "Jihahahaha—whoa!"

That exclamation was due to a flying shard of razor air nearly taking his head off; as it is, he had enough time to hastily swoop over it, which was where Sanji met him, leg cocked back.

"Eat this!" the cook declared. "Mouton!"

The kick lashed out, and Shiki simply floated above it, legs drawn in. And given the nature of the Mouton, Sanji was left horribly exposed when Shiki began stabbing with his sword-legs as fast as he could. Especially since Sanji didn't—couldn't—bring his hands up, for fear of getting them slashed up.

And so, when Sanji, too, came crashing out of the sky, he looked like he'd gone charging through a patch of sawgrass.

"Well, that was fun," Shiki chuckled as he buffed his nails on his jacket, offhandedly floating up to grab Nami again. "But! As I was saying earlier… _goodbye."_ And with that, the Golden Lion snapped his fingers dismissively.

And to everyone's horror, gravity reasserted itself upon the Thousand Sunny, sending the Straw Hats careening down towards the ocean far below.

"YOU SON OF A—!" Luffy roared, reeling up to shoot his arm at Shiki even as he freefell.

"WELCOME TO MERVEILLE!" Shiki cackled back. "MIND THE _DROP!"_ He punctuated the last word with a sweep of his hand.

Luffy hesitated slightly at the action before stiffening in both shock and horror as he became acutely aware of the fact that the Thousand Sunny, his own ship, was _swinging around towards him and his crew!_ "LOOK OUT!" The rubber-man shot his arms out and _tried_ to grab as many of his crewmates as he could, but he only managed to grasp Cross and Boss before the Sunny's keel slammed into the whole crew at once with the force of a battering ram, a Sea King, and a Sea Train all rolled into one. More than enough force to send the Straw Hats flying to the far ends of the archipelago in several discrete clumps. The Sunny getting tossed onto another island with as much care as a broken toy merely added insult to injury.

As his captive began flailing and screaming muffled obscenities at him, Shiki turned his focus off the distant Straw Hats and to his ill-acquired transceiver. "In case you all didn't get the memo," Shiki leered at the world. "The Straw Hat Broadcasting Station is now signing off. _Permanently. JIHAHAHA!"_ And with a final cackle he slammed the mic down and shut the world off.

Slowly, the Golden Lion's laughter subsided into a contented sigh. He patted his latest acquisitions, prompting one of them to shout more muffled obscenities into her gag. "Ahhh, this has been a _good_ day… I guess there's only one question left now, hm?" At those words, Shiki's mood pulled a 180 in the form of a frigid glare directed over his shoulder.

More precisely, directed at the astral form of Perona, half-formed Negative Hollows flanking a raised hand, just waiting for the order. And as much as she wanted to, she couldn't give that order. For she'd seen that glare before, so many times before, and it sent shivers through her entire body.

She'd seen it in the eyes of Moria… and she knew what awaited her if she tried to defy him.

And so, it was with a final apologetic look at Nami that Perona bowed her head in submission and let her Hollows fade away.

Shiki's demeanor became 'pleasant' once more. "That's what I thought. Now keep up. I wouldn't want you to miss out on the tour." He turned his gaze to the murderous woman over his shoulder, completely unfazed by her rage. "After all… it's the last home you'll ever know."

If Nami was angry before, those words caused her eyes, visible only to Perona, to shine with pure, venomous hatred. And it was at that moment that the ghost-girl knew, without a single doubt, that Shiki the Golden Lion had just made a fatal mistake.

Maybe even literally.

**-THE PRESENT-**

The sound of farting footsteps drew Nami out of her reminiscing. Dr. Indigo came into view shortly after, and despite their feelings for the man (read: _burning hate)_ , the two prisoners found themselves more than a little intrigued by the massive wooden birdcage he was carrying over his head.

"Captain Shiki!" the clown proclaimed. "We've had another evolutionary breakthrough! A new species! Take a look at this fella!"

Indigo sat the cage down, and Nami and Perona shifted to look at its captive. The creature in the cage resembled a duck, but it had a red comb on its head reminiscent of a rooster or turkey and long tail feathers more appropriate for a peacock. What struck Nami the most were its eyes; putting the pieces together on the local fauna was pretty straightforward, but unlike what she'd expected this fowl didn't seem aggressive at all. Hell, it didn't even have the tension most non-aggressive animals had. It just looked… utterly innocent, somehow.

"HUH?! A guitar?" Shiki gaped at the fowl.

"ARE YOU BLIND, IT'S A BIRD!" Indigo barked, slapping his captain.

The clown, the lion, and the gorilla then struck a pose, and the girls were about to turn away when the cage opened and the duck within squawked and spread its wings. In the space of a second, it flew up, draped itself on top of Shiki—

"QUAAAA!" _ZZZT!_

And then dropped a barrage of lightning on the trio with a perfectly content quack.

"HOROHOROHORO!" Perona and an entourage of her Negative Hollows cackled as the trio's skeletons flickered in and out of view.

"HA!" Nami barked, doubling over. "Oh man, the only thing I regret about this is that I didn't get the chance to do it myself sooner!"

The merriment was short-lived, however, because as soon as Shiki got his bearings back, he grabbed the obliviously happy duck by its jowls.

"Stupid guitar!" he roared, tossing the bird at Scarlet, who then backhanded it with a snarl. It slammed into a nearby tree, snapping it in half, but surprisingly, the duck appeared to be more scared than actually harmed. Still, that didn't keep Nami from being concerned.

"Hey, lay off!" Nami snapped, rushing over to the duck, huddling protectively. Shiki either didn't hear her or didn't care, more concerned with glaring daggers at his scientist.

"So, _that_ was the evolution?" he bit out waspishly as he brushed some charred ashes off of his shoulders.

"Correct," Indigo weakly confirmed. Reaching up with shaking arms, he snapped his fingers under his nose a few times and inhaled the resulting emerald sparks. Almost immediately, he perked up, the shaking gone. "He's evolved to discharge bursts of electricity! And that was actually him being friendly, you should see what he's like when exposed to stress!"

Nami and Perona exchanged befuddled looks, then went back to the duck as it staggered back to its feet and cowered timidly behind them. "Evolved?" Nami asked cautiously. "What do you mean?"

"Eh? What's that?" The Straw Hats' navigator had to fight the urge to hurl as Shiki shot a taunting leer her way. "You want to know? Weeeell… you'll find out as soon as you join my crew, so I guess I might as well tell you now."

Shiki nodded his head at the aggressively natured and colored gorilla flanking him. "Throughout the history of this island, the native animals have evolved in a strange, rapid manner, untouched by the outside world. This development is all thanks to a plant called IQ. Over the years, the plant has found its way into the ecosystem of Merveille, and the chemicals present in said plant manipulate the animals' physical growth to not only adapt to their surroundings, but to aggressively overcome them. Once we realized its effect…" Shiki's grin took on a particularly vicious undertone. "I had every last IQ plant on the entire island harvested for my own usage."

"And after 20 years of experimentation, I've made the breakthrough of the century!" Indigo proclaimed giddily, leaping in front of his captain, producing and proffering a test tube full of green pills and a small container of green liquid. "The synthesized distillation of the IQ plant's potent powers. A drug that is pure evolution in chemical form: SIQ!" The mad doctor tossed the vials up, juggling them hand to hand with a confident smirk. "With a single injection, we can turn any animal into a perfect fighting machine, their astounding strength only matched by their boundless aggression. And the more we give them, the more violent they get! You've never seen such savage animals!"

"Huh…" Perona tilted her head thoughtfully before shrugging indifferently. "That makes sense to me."

"No, it doesn't! That's _horrifying!"_ Nami snapped at her companion before shooting a scowl at Indigo. "And also _familiar. You're_ the same Indigo who gave the Amigo Pirates that poison they injected themselves with, aren't you!?"

Indigo blinked in surprise, still juggling, and then his smile became particularly sadistic. "Ah, yes, now I remember! Yours was the crew that laid low that pack of lab-rats! I must thank you for the data, it was quite the boon!"

"Keep your damn thanks!" the navigator spat. "What the hell did you do, give them the same poison you're giving the animals?!"

"Psh, hardly," Indigo scoffed. "While SIQ works well on animals, the effects are depressingly reduced on humans. Barely any aggression whatsoever because of a long-induced immunity to adrenaline, pah! Hence, I used those hapless fools to test out my latest innovation!" The clown flicked his wrist, adding a third vial, filled with reddish-orange liquid, to his juggling. "BIQ! Booster IQ for the human soul! Still some bugs to work out, but still better than anything that shaggy rug of a quack you call a doctor could whip up!"

Nami let out a sharp 'tsk' and glared the doctor right in his eyes. "You only wish you were half as skilled as Chopper, you damned hack."

Indigo's jolly mood promptly evaporated into a blistering glare. His fists wrapped around the vials he held, the glass creaking under the strain. Slowly, though, he let himself relax, his glare relaxing into a bloodthirsty smile. "Well, we'll be finding out soon enough, won't we?"

A cold chill swept over Nami and Perona, both of them stiffening. "What are you talking about?" the navigator quietly but furiously demanded.

"Weeeell—!"

"You'll understand our ultimate goal soon enough," Shiki cut in, roughly shoving Indigo out of the way. "As long as you join my crew, that is."

"Are you deaf?!" Nami snapped back, her hand twitching towards her Clima-Tact. "I already told you, I'll never—!"

" _You will!"_

Shiki's sudden roar shut Nami's protests down cold. He had a glint in his eye that gave the impression he knew something that she didn't. And more importantly, that pushing him any further would be supremely detrimental to her continued health.

"Not only will you join my crew," the leonine pirate said, chin jutted out. "You'll _grovel_ for your chance to do it. You'll get down on your hands and knees and beg. And once we've got that sad scene out of the way, I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to hear. Just make sure to remember: I'm _always_ willing to grant a favor for one of my own crew. Ji… JIHAHAHA!"

Behind Shiki, Scarlet began beating his chest. "OO-OOK!"

"Er… are you pounding your chest to impress the girl?" Indigo questioned.

Scarlet nodded with an affirmative grunt.

"THEY'RE HAVING A SERIOUS CONVERSATION, YOU DIRTY APE!"

"EH?!" Shiki said, turning back to Scarlet. "I just thought you were my grandma for a second there."

"DOES EVERYONE IN YOUR STINKING FAMILY LOOK LIKE A GORILLA, OR WHAT?!" Indigo demanded, chopping his boss on the head.

Shiki rounded on his resident doctor, a snarl on his lips. "You damn mad scien—!"

"OOK!" _SLAM!_

Any further action was aborted by Scarlet bringing down a _far_ stronger chop on his captain's head that the pirate's head into and through the floor.

"CAPTAIN!" Indigo yelped in horror before rounding on the overly juiced ape. "Damn it, Scarlet, I've told you not to do that! Unlike me, you actually have upper body strength, you could seriously—!"

"OOK!" Scarlet barked again, raising his fist in preparation to slug the doctor.

Said doctor hastily became far more pleasant in demeanor, reaching into his pocket and offering a yellow… 'fruit' to the ape. "Banana?"

That offer didn't please Scarlet much, give the way snarled and drew his hackles back.

"Plus four more if you eat it in my lab!" Indigo hastily tacked on.

"OO-OO A-AH!" the gorilla hooted joyfully, snatching the chemical-loaded banana from the doctor's hand and loping out of the greenhouse.

About a second after the ape left, Shiki let out a pained groan and pushed his way to his knees. "Damn stupid _monkey…_ grargh." Shiki rubbed his temple, drawing a wince before shooting a glare at Indigo. "You can still control him, _right?"_

"I'll up the dosage of mood stabilizers in his next batch of SIQ-nanas, don't worry," Indigo assured his captain.

If anything, that darkened Shiki's mood further.

"Mood stabilizers that I can dispel at a whim!" the doctor hastily amended.

Shiki nodded with a dismissive snort. "Better."

"You bastards are despicable," Nami spat.

Surprisingly, instead of immediately responding, Indigo and Shiki shared a significant look. "Shall we, Captain?" the doctor grinned.

"Absolutely, Doctor," Shiki grinned back, locking arms and posing with the mad scientist.

"Pi~ra~te!"

Rumbling thunder drowned out Nami's snarl as she snapped out her Clima-Tact, though she stopped just short of actually attacking.

Indigo leapt a full meter back from the incensed navigator. "Okay, might have pushed that one a bit far!" the doctor admitted with a whimper.

Shiki barely reacted at all, simply turning away. "I'll give you some more time to think about it. For the time being, I have business to attend to regarding my master plan. I'll be back once I've got everything in motion. And then… you _will_ join my crew."

With that ominous proclamation, Shiki headed for the exit. Indigo composed himself and made to follow, but then slapped his forehead and stopped dead in his tracks. "Gah! Almost forgot!" He turned around and jabbed a finger at the duck that was cowering behind their thundering prisoner. "You, with me! I need to find out the source of your bioelectricity so that I can put it in something less disappointing!"

"Quaaa!" the duck-peacock wailed fearfully, hiding further behind Nami.

Nami's mood darkened further, and she threw her arm out to shield the literal thunderbird. "Back. Off." Perona promptly backed her up by hovering over the clouds, a trio of Mini Hollows orbiting above her hand.

Indigo scoffed at the girls and started to reach into his jacket. "Okay, you two. Back away from the bird, before I—!"

"Leave it."

Indigo started at the order before boggling at the man who'd given it. "B-But Captain, the bird, the research—!"

" **Leave. It,"** Shiki bit out, accompanied by a dark glare that got Indigo breaking out in cold sweat. "If it'll tide her over for a second longer, you can put it off for a few more hours."

"Bite me, bastard," Nami shot back at him.

"You _do_ realize you're just pissing her off more and more with your every word, right?" Perona called at the Golden Lion's back as he finally walked out, his doctor trailing behind.

"It'll make her inevitable groveling aaaall the sweeter. Enjoy the pool, _Miss Navigator!_ " Shiki called back without so much as a glance back, his final words punctuated by the room's doors slamming back shut.

"Ass," Perona groused

Nami let out a weary sigh, letting her Eisen Tempo recede into her Clima-Tact, which she resheathed in her holster. "Ass that's holding this whole archipelago in the air through will alone and who can kill us with a flick of his wrist."

The ghost-girl deflated at the reminder of the severity of their situation. "Point…" Straightening up, she swung around so that she was fully facing Nami, concern written all over her face. "Are you alright, by the way? He got you good earlier."

The navigator winced and rubbed her neck at the reminder. "I'll live. Believe it or not, I've gone through worse. I'll be fine…" Nami said, before glancing out the window with a frown. "It's the others I'm worried about."

"Even knowing how strong they are?"

Nami nodded solemnly. "That should tell you just how worried I am."

Perona nodded sadly in agreement before shrugging. "Yeah, well, we can worry about them later. Right now, let's concentrate on getting _you_ out, alright?"

This was met by a thankful smile, and then Nami before looked towards the duck creature she'd defended, who was watching them with a curious and gentle gaze. "I don't suppose _you_ know any good ways out of here?" she asked in a joking tone.

The duck blinked and tilted its head in confusion. "Qua?"

An expression of horror slowly came over the navigator. "… God help me, I'm a grown woman who talks to animals and expects them to talk back."

"Horohorohorohoro…" Perona chortled. "Don't feel too bad, I got used to all of my animal zombies talking back."

Nami slowly turned a flat glare on the Hollow-girl. "Perona, how in the _hell_ is that meant to make me feel better?" And with that she stomped off, muttering mutinously under her breath.

"Wha—? Hey, come back!" Perona protested, hastily floating after Nami. "It was a joke, a jo—!"

"Sh!"

Silence fell at the glance Nami over her shoulder, a finger at her lips. Any questions Perona had died were answered by surreptitious glance at the snail mounted in the wall, one that had been tracking their every move.

"I can worry about my friends as much as I want because I've found a way out," Nami hissed under her breath. "We are getting out of here _now."_

Perona made sure that her face was turned away from the snail before grinning in relief and joy. "You want me to take a couple of extra minutes to leave a little surprise behind for them?"

Nami's expression would have sent the devil himself running for the hills. "Do you even have to _ask."_

**-o-**

"Usopp, a fair warning," Conis said in ill-concealed irritation as she tried to rub away the lingering stinging in her jaw. "I've been made aware of some rather _interesting_ punishments since I started studying with Robin, so I'd advise against pulling that off again."

"I'll spare the time to worry about that threat when we're back on the Sunny, back on the sea, and back on our way to the East Blue," Usopp responded, his tone cold enough that Conis's anger faded in favor of surprise. "Meanwhile, I'm more afraid of the monsters who _actually_ want to kill me, so don't get any ideas about drawing them to us just because you want to find the others."

Mikey, who had made exactly no progress at freeing himself, paused to angrily flail his flippers. Sanji, unfortunately, was busy working through bindings that Usopp had made twice as strong as the others', and so was unavailable to translate.

Frowning in thought, Usopp said, "I caught the word 'idea' in there, so I assume you were asking if I had any better ones?" The Dugong nodded, and Usopp huffed before turning back to the cliff they were walking towards, everyone else following.

"With a good couple of hours of _peace and quiet_ , I was able to get my head together. So besides remembering that our homes are in danger and we've lost a _week_ getting there, I realized that all of these islands are floating, but their altitude is constant. We can assume that the rest of the crew has been as busy getting chased everywhere as we have over the last week, including having to jump off of a few islands. And most of them can't use Moonwalk to get back up again."

As they stepped up to the edge of the cliff, he gestured around them. "So, they're probably all heading in the same direction: down. Meaning all we have to do is head for the bottom island and find a safe place to wait for the others; maybe they're even already there. Once we've done that, Sanji, if you want to fly back up and see if you can track down the ones who aren't, be my guest."

Sanji stared at Usopp in silence before tilting his hat down over his eyes with an aggravated but defeated growl.

"Glad to hear it," Usopp sighed in relief. "Now, Conis? Help me scout out a place down there where we can set up camp." So saying, the sniper pulled down his goggles and peered over the edge at the island below them. Conis joined him a second later, her goggles also pulled up. Scant seconds later, they spoke together.

"Whoa, there's a village down there!"/"What? That looks like a village!"

After several more seconds, the two removed their goggles and turned back toward their companions. "I'm not positive, but I think that the people there might be natives," Conis informed them. "From the way their village is set up, it looks like the local beasts are being kept at bay by a thick barrier of trees. If we want to establish a base anywhere, I think that's our best bet."

"Which makes things easier, and some of the rest of the crew may already be there waiting for us," Usopp added, reaching over his back and fiddling with the pack he was carrying.

With one final pull…

"Mmm-mmph—GAH! Finally!"

Sanji got the tape off his mouth, and glanced surreptitiously around for any sign of visual snails nearby. "Damn it, Usopp… if it weren't for that reminder about the East Blue, I'd kick you off this cliff. But for now… Conis, dear, would you like me to carry you down?" he asked, swooning as he often did.

Conis… actually considered the situation and the alternatives. And upon doing so…

"…Alright. And, sorry about this, I normally wouldn't do this to you, but given the circumstances…" The gunner glanced over her shoulder at her onlooking fox. "Su, if he tries anything, make him look like his wanted poster."

"Tseeheeheeheeheehee!" the cloud-fox sniggered as the angel gingerly placed herself in Sanji's arms, bridal-style. Sanji's attention then turned towards Mikey, who had positioned himself at the edge of the cliff and was currently posing in such a way that implied he planned to make the dive an impressive thing.

For a few seconds, Sanji and Usopp watched him stand there, unmoving. And then, at the end of those few seconds, Sanji made his displeasure at being kept waiting clear by booting the Dugong off the cliff.

To Mikey's credit, he recovered his graceful form after a mere split second of falling. Sanji eyed the falling amphibian for a few more seconds before jumping off himself, and Usopp spared the time to double-check the device on his back before following suit.

The sniper only let himself fall for a few seconds before he yanked his ripcord, and with a bellow of "USOPP SKYGLIDER!", his chute unfurled and yanked him above his freefalling crewmates.

[Aaaand here comes our final contestant in the high dive, the greatest of the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad, Mikey!] Mikey barked as he accelerated towards the lake down below. [Even after a disastrous start, the diver has managed to recover, and is about to perform an utterly perfect straight dive with perfect posture, discipline and—OH OCEANUS ALMIGHTY MY SNOUT IS ON FIRE!]

Sanji, Conis and Su all blinked in confusion when Mikey's dive pose suddenly collapsed into a flailing mess, the dugong wailing in misery behind the flippers clawing at his nose. Said flailing persisted up until the dugong unceremoniously face-planted into the lake.

"Well… guess the village really is protected," Sanji decided.

"Ye—wait…" Conis' eyes widened in shocked realization and snapped to her friend. "What about Su!?"

The fox scoffed and snapped her tail indifferently. "Su su— _KAI!"_ Su's nonchalance shattered into an agonized howl and she practically flung herself from Conis' shoulder, writhing and squirming against an intangible torment.

"SU!" Conis exclaimed. Without thinking, she practically flung herself after her friend, grabbing the fox tight in her arms to try and keep her as still as possible so that she didn't hurt herself.

It took a full second for Conis to realize that in moving to save Su, she'd inadvertently thrown herself clean out of Sanji's arms. And because of how hard she'd pushed herself, she was well below him, too far for him to catch up and catch her in time.

That poor decision was followed up with the supreme mistake of gazing downwards. On the one hand, Conis knew that while it was definitely going to hurt like hell, the impact with the lake below _wouldn't_ kill her; on the other hand, some reptilian part of her hindbrain took one look at the drop below her and triggered every panic reflex her body had.

And on any other day, all those panic reflexes would have done was tempt her to scream, or threaten to send her into unconsciousness. Neither actually happened, because over the past week, all of the SIQ-infected flesh and foliage she'd consumed had grown a brand-spanking-new reflex in her body.

A reflex that killed Conis' shriek in her throat when she was suddenly jerked to a halt by _something_ yanking her up by her shoulder-blades and stopping her momentum dead.

Conis _started_ to look around in confusion, but the first turn of her head provided the answer. Though that still left her with the _glaring_ question of how the hell her wings—her cute but physically useless vestigial wings—had grown to _five times their original size_ and were now letting her glide gracefully instead of drop like a less-aerodynamic stone. Naturally, her mind stalled for a solid thirty seconds as it tried to even _contextualize_ what the optic nerve was sending it. ' _I—how—what the—!?'_

_THROB!_

The far more angelic angel paled as she suddenly became aware of something else. Namely, the fact that her entire back felt like it was on _fire._ And in response to that pain, her suddenly useful wings lost that usefulness, and her plunge downward abruptly resumed.

Sanji saw the whole thing, all three seconds of it. When Conis resumed falling above him, he shook off his shock enough to kick against the air and let her fall back into his arms.

And that was the end of the excitement; Sanji exercised his Sky Walk to slow his descent and land reasonably gently on the pier below. Su barely lasted that long before resuming her squirming, paws clamped tightly over her nose. Usopp was still a ways up, descending at a controlled pace with his parachute. Mikey was floating belly-up in the pool, at least ensuring that he would not drown. Though from the moans he was producing, he probably didn't think that was a good thing.

For now, though, Sanji was concerned with far more pressing matters. "Conis!" he lamented, cradling the angel protectively. "Are you alright, my dear, sweet, beloved—!"

"Sanji, please don't take this the wrong way, but for the love of Gan Fall, please shut the hell up," Conis hissed in a strained tone, her entire body twitching in distress. "I think I just pulled a million muscles all at once and it is taking every fiber of my being not to _scream_ _bloody murder."_

"Ah… right, sorry," Sanji winced sympathetically. He then glanced down at her wings. "Speaking of which, not that your wings aren't lovelier than those of a dove or—!" _CLICK!_ The compliment died in his throat at the feel of a gun barrel pressing into his gut. "Right, focusing. What the heck is going on?!"

"I… think I can help you with that."

Sanji and Conis turned to see a somewhat older woman walking up to them. She wore a simple dress and had feathers on her arms from the wrists almost to the shoulder. Then, after a moment, Sanji let himself sag. "Please tell me you're a friend, because we have been through a hell like you wouldn't believe."

The woman smiled comfortingly. "Hordes upon hordes of monsters and beasts, each more titanic than the last?"

Realizing his mistake, Sanji winced. "Riiiight… don't suppose you could help us understand the situation we're in?"

The local nodded and moved to give Sanji a hand with his yet-incapacitated burden. "Right this way, I'll help you all get settled in. Though…" She winced and shot a fearful glance towards the village. "We _will_ have to be a bit careful. Even behind the Daft Greens, nowhere is truly safe here."

Sanji narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Because of a certain lion-headed bastard by the name of Shiki?" The woman's grimace was answer enough. "Oh yeah, we _definitely_ have a lot to talk about."

And with that, the woman helped Sanji carry Conis into the village… leaving Mikey gurgling face-up in the lake. [Someone kiiiilllll meeee…]

**-o-**

"Donny, don't you think that if Boss were here, he would have you Tidal Swimming alongside us for training instead of resting?" Robin posed, not even looking up from the journal she was writing in.

{Oh, shut up. We've all earned a little rest after a straight week of monsters,} the Dugong grumpily signed back.

"Mmm, yes, a good point," Robin conceded.

The two, along with Franky and Brook, were perched on the back of what Franky called a "Crawley-Davidson" and which everyone else called "a giant-ass crawdad with wheels and steering". This left Carue, with Vivi slumped on his back, running alongside the improvised vehicle, something the duck didn't mind despite being at the tail end of a week of non-stop running for his life.

"Hey, it looks like there's something up ahead!" Brook exclaimed, pointing in the direction of a small mountain. Upon closer inspection, a cluster of buildings around the top of the mountain and an Asian-style palace at its peak made themselves known.

"Is that a town?" Franky asked in some surprise.

"Looks like it," Vivi said, perking up. "Maybe we can get some answers there. Carue—WAAAGH!"

The sudden scream was a result of Carue suddenly skidding to an uneven halt, coming within an inch of losing his balance and a wailing quack leaking out between the feathers suddenly clamped over his beak. At the same time, Crawley-Davidson reared up, leaping backward by several meters and nearly bucking its passengers off in the process.

Well, nearly bucking _most_ of them off; Donny fell off immediately, his flippers too busy grinding against his face. Brook fell off mostly, hanging on only by a leg, while Franky kept a firm hold on his handlebars and Robin sprouted a few extra arms to keep herself in place. Shortly after the crawdad stopped bucking, Carue made his way back to the group, Donny in tow.

"I think I bit my tongue… not that I have a tongue," Brook commented weakly.

"DAGH!" Franky grunted in annoyance, whacking the crawfish on the head. "Motorcycles don't jump backward, stupid!"

{Urgh, don't blame him,} Donny shakily signed, one flipper still grinding against his nostrils. {There's some kind of stench in the air around that place, it smells like what Devil Fruits taste like. It must be how they keep those monsters away! It's taking everything I have not to bolt as it is!}

"A rotten smell?" Vivi asked, taking a sniff as she dismounted from Carue. "Huh, I think I _can_ smell something… and that does make a lot of sense. Something like that _would_ be the only thing capable of keeping monsters like the ones we've been seeing from attacking."

Carue squawked in miserable agreement. Looking around and spying one of the many cacti that surrounded them, he dashed over, clawed an arm off and stuck his beak into the juicy inside with a relieved quack.

[GIMME!] Donny barked, leapfrogging off the duck's head and grabbing a cactus branch of his own to plug his muzzle with. [Oh, thank _Gooood._ Ergh, but I can still _smell it_ a bit…]

"Quaaaa…" Carue moaned in agreement.

"But we're in the middle of the desert," Franky protested. "Where could a _smell—!?"_

"Unless my nose deceives me, I think it's coming from those odd trees over there!" Brook said, pointing out a wall of off-color shrubbery. "Though of course—!"

"Yeah yeah, no nose, we get it, _come on already,"_ Franky grumbled, yanking the skeleton free of their twitchy mount's saddle and dragging him along by the leg. All the while, the cyborg grumbled mutinously under his breath. "Stupid trees, stupid smell, stupid instincts and inferior building materials, give me good old-fashioned metal and I could make something ten times better in a damn _heartbeat…"_

Vivi eyed her cactus-snorting mount and how he was still shaky on his webbed feet before hanging her head with a sigh. "Guess we're walking. Don't suppose anyone has any ideas on how to pass the time?"

"Recite the entirety of the review sheet I gave you the day before we met Shiki," Robin immediately stated, still yet to look up from her journal.

Vivi paled at the suggestion and snapped a shaky grin at the rest of her friends. "Anyone else have any suggestions?"

The princess paled even further when the crew's archaeologist slammed her journal shut with a too-loud slam and a menacing gleam in her eye. "I don't recall saying that that was a suggestion, _Your Highness._ "

"A-Ah, j-just a minute," Vivi said hastily. "The stones' indestructibility was determined four years after the founding of the World Government…"

"And she's off," Franky sighed. "You ever feel lucky to not have a woman jamming you up?"

"Honestly, I just feel lucky every time I talk to living people instead of the voices in my head," Brook replied in a perfectly pleasant tone of voice.

The cyborg shot a doubtful look over his shoulder. "We have _really_ got to stick some books about psychology in front of Chopper sometime."

"For all the good that they'd do me! It's quite impossible to treat senility, after all, and I'm twenty years past the pale on that! Yohohoho!"

"See, it's things like that that _really_ don't inspire confidence."

**-o-**

"How much longer until we get there?" Zoro grunted inquisitively, stubbornly not looking down at their 'guide'. A word he used only under extreme duress, mind you; it didn't matter what anyone else said, that tundra _had_ been moving under their feet, damn it!

Said 'guide' scanned their surroundings before giving him a nod. "Don't worry, we're really really close! Just a few more minutes down this river and we'll be at my home!" Xiao confidently stated, the precious flower she was cradling in her hands nodding alongside her.

Zoro grunted again but gave no further response to the girl sitting before him. Chopper sat behind him, looming over them both and keeping a tentative eye on the girl; he had given her treatment for cold and shock, but the feathers on her arms and the unusual biology they signified kept him anxious.

Looking over all of them from up on the mammoth's back was Merry, a rope wound around each of her arms and tied to the tusks of the pachyderm they were using as a mount as the nearest and easiest thing to a bridle they could assemble on such short notice. And behind her, Leo was as close to kneeling as a creature with a legless lower body could be, taking advantage of their current peace to meditate.

"Glad to hear it, because we've been out of that winter wasteland for for hours and I swear I've _still_ got hoarfrost in crevices I didn't know I had until now!" Merry lamented, wincing as she rolled her neck. "I don't care if I almost drown from it, I need a hot bath _stat!"_ And with that, she snapped her reigns and urged the mammoth to a faster pace.

Xiao looked up in panic at the sudden acceleration. "Ah, no, wait! You can't do that, we can't ride this thing anymore! We need to walk from here on out!"

Merry looked down in confusion at the feathered girl. "The heck are you talking about? Why _wouldn't_ we ride this wooly lug all the way? I mean, there's nothing in our way! It's clean sailing all the—!"

" _BAROOOOOOH!"_

"—UWAH!?"

All of a sudden their mount not only stopped dead in its tracks but actually bucked forward in a blind panic, launching its riders from its back. Free of its restraints, the mammoth turned tail and stampeded its way back towards its natural habitat as fast as its bulky mass allowed.

"Argh, sonnuva—!" Zoro winced as he sat up, rubbing the back of his skull. The swordsman shot an accusatory glare at the crew's helmsgirl. "What the heck, Merry?! What happened to 'clean sailing', huh?!"

"Uwah, nonono, it wasn't her fault!" Xiao hastily reassured him, waving her free hand desperately. "It's my fault! I didn't think to tell you guys about the barrier sooner, I'm really sorry!"

The three-swords master looked at her with a confused grunt. "'Barrier'? What are you—?"

" _Ughhhh…"_

A miserable moan from Chopper drew Zoro and Merry's attention. The human-reindeer had a pained grimace on his face as he clamped his hands over his nose.

" _She must be talking about the smell…"_ Chopper choked out, disgust clogging his every word. " _It feels like someone shoved red hot pokers up my nostrils it hurts so much…"_

"Uh-huh," Xiao nodded, bearing an apologetic expression. "They're called Daft Greens; they're trees that smell really bad, so they drive all the scary monsters away from the village. In fact, they stink so bad that they drive animals away before they even see them!" She paused after that statement, thoughtfully cocking her head. "…Oh, yeah, and they're poisonous, too."

"MENTION THAT FIRST!" the Straw Hats all roared at once.

"Ah, n-not right away I mean!" the girl hastily explained. "Th-The thing is, they're—! I-I mean that they, w-well…" Xiao trailed off and bowed her head mournfully, holding the flower she was carrying to her chest. "It… It's complicated, alright?"

The anger the Straw Hats felt melted away at the sudden shift in her demeanor, and after some swift and silent communication, elected to let the matter drop.

"Well!" Merry clapped her hands. "If we can smell those things, then that means that we're a stone's throw away! Come on, guys! Let's suck in our guts and hop to it, yeah?"

"Hmph." " _Right!"_ "…"

Two of the three answers were as expected, but the third had Merry looking around in confusion. "Eh? Where the heck's Leo?"

"Uh…" Leaning around merry, Xiao quickly spotted and pointed out the dugong. "Ah, there he is!" She let out a whistle. "And he's still holding that pose!"

"That is some pretty impressive meditation," Zoro said sincerely. He waited for a few seconds and then nodded. "Didn't react to me saying that, _very_ impressive meditation."

"Unless _you're_ willing to _carry_ him to the village, you'll still need to snap him out of it," Merry huffed, leaning over the Dugong and poking him repeatedly in the cheek. "Because in case you've forgotten, he's _your_ punching bag, so if you seriously expect me to be the one to haul his blubbery ass, you've got another thing—!"

_Squish._

Merry froze as she realized she'd missed in her poking, and instead of putting her finger in the amphibian's jowl, she'd put it in his _eye_ instead. "Ah… whoops?"

[GAH!]

Leo suddenly shot up with a pained shriek, clutching his face in agony. [MY EYE! _AGH! MY NOOOOSE!]_ A second after that, his flippers move to his nose, before shoving his snarling face in Merry's bemused one. [YOU LITTLE BRAT, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!? I WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE THIS DAMN STENCH AND NOW I'M SUFFERING WORSE THAN EVER! I DEMAND COMPENSATION, YOU HEAR ME!? COM-PEN—!]

"We've found somewhere where we should be absolutely safe from those monsters for a while," Merry calmly said.

[—pleasure doing business with you, which way did you say this safe haven where I could sleep for a thousand years was?] Leo cleanly segued.

Merry chuckled in childlike amusement at the reversal before turning on her heel and heading right past Leo. More specifically, right back the way they came.

"…I was wondering how much of Zoro rubbed off on her," Chopper muttered.

Proving that she had very good hearing, Merry froze, spun on her heel, and stormed past them in the correct direction, her face red and expression daring anyone to comment. That didn't stop Leo and Chopper from snickering behind the appendages that were already clamped over their noses. She stopped before Zoro for a moment so that she could shoot a rabid snarl at him, and continued on without looking back.

The first mate blinked after her in confusion before looking back at the rest of the crew. "Someone wanna tell me what that was about?"

" _I'll tell you later…"_ Chopper sighed with a wave of his hoof as he walked past, and then glanced aside. " _Or maybe never…"_ he muttered under his breath. " _Yeah, never's better."_

Zoro just shrugged and followed after them, Leo bringing up the rear.

[You think some of the rest of the crew will be there?] the Dugong asked.

"Let's hope so," Chopper said fervently. "The sooner we're all back together, the better."

**-One Hour Later-**

"Not quite what I had in mind,] Leo and Chopper deadpanned as the usual two-thirds of the Monster Trio got into another spar. An unrestrained spar, mind you, thanks to the majority of the crew—minus Mikey and Usopp, who'd elected to stay behind and keep resting—having relocated to a hill a good distance away from the village to keep themselves away from Shiki's prying, invertebrate-borne eyes.

"Well, at least the last week is keeping them from pushing themselves too hard," Merry said, shaking her head. An explosion of utterly innocent earth drew a slight twitch from her gaze. "…to a point, anyway."

Chopper sighed, turning his attention back to the chemistry set he'd set up between his legs. "I'll worry about them later; for now, I need to work this out." Holding up a triple-sealed test tube, he scrutinized the verdant twig resting inside. "If Daft Green is the only defense against those animals, then it's best I make sure we don't get poisoned in the process. Though…" The human-reindeer's frown deepened as he put down the test tube and held up a beaker, this one containing a unique pink flower. "I'd really prefer it if I had a larger sample size of the cure…"

"Ah, Chopper?" Conis said, tentatively poking him in the shoulder. "Sorry for bothering you, but if you have the time, would you mind taking a look at, well…" She flapped her larger than normal wings for emphasis. "Me?"

"Are you currently in agonizing pain and/or dying?" the reindeer absently asked without looking up from his work.

Said work was promptly interrupted by a white paw clamping down on the vial of daft green, and a snarling vulpine muzzle in his face. [Rethink that prognosis, doc,] Su hissed. [Before I shove this devil-stick clean into your _brain.]_

Chopper shivered at the cloud fox's tone, before sagging with a defeated sigh. "I… I'm sorry, Conis, that just slipped out…" He started to knead the bridge of his nose, wincing. "This last week has been… hard."

"I know, I know, it's… well, not fine, but I understand," Conis soothed, rubbing the doctor's back. "It's not even that I'm worried they're dangerous or anything like that, they're just kind of in the way right now. I just really wish I knew how to make my wings smaller and compact like they were befo—"

_FWUMP!_

As fast as they had grown, her wings shrank back to their original cosmetic form, and Conis staggered, almost losing her balance. Everyone blinked in confusion.

"…Psychosomatic trigger, got it," Conis said flatly.

"When this mess is over, we _will_ need to look into that," Chopper groused, shaking his head. "But for now…" He held up the beaker and tube again, superimposing one over the other. "I need to figure out _how_ the IQ serves to neutralize the Daft Green's miasma. Seriously, it can't be _that_ … hard… if…" Chopper eyes widened in realization, his voice slowly trailing off into silence.

"Chopper?" Conis asked gently after a few moments.

"I am a Luffy-grade _moron,"_ the human-reindeer breathed.

[Well, yeah, but what does that have to do with— _WAH!]_ Thrown off when Chopper suddenly shifted into his Walk Point and shot off like a cloven bullet, the fox blinked after him and then looked up at her human in confusion. [The heck was that about?]

Conis sighed as she picked her old friend up. "I wish I knew, Su, I wish I knew…"

**-o-**

"—and so, much like other languages, small marks can make all the difference in the symbol's pronunciation and meaning, as can the variations of the arches forming—"

"That will do for now," Robin interrupted as they reached the entrance to the fortress. The princess sagged slightly in relief, an honest smile on both of their faces; for all that Robin was scarily strict, both of them were happy about the learning.

That did nothing to ease the worries of their companions that Robin might try to rope them into it as well if they made the mistake of showing an iota of interest. Which, in all honesty, all three of them _did_ possess. When Robin knocked at the door of the fortress, though, they all shoved that interest down as deep as they could.

Their wait was brief; the door opened about a foot, and a thuggish individual showed his face, took one look at them, and made to slam it in their faces. He didn't get far; Robin had arms blooming on his body, bending his fingers backwards and covering his mouth before he could so much as _twitch_. Her move to open the door wider proved superfluous, as a second thug yanked it open, brandishing a large sword at her. The others readied themselves, Robin herself growing several arms over him and Vivi opening her mouth, but a sound of splattering liquid, not unlike blood being spilled, prompted both of them to wait.

At the same time as that noise reached them, they saw the thugs' expressions go wide in shock and panic. Then, just as quickly, all emotion left their faces and their bodies slumped where they stood, nearly falling over from the new slackness.

It was obvious to any experienced eye that someone had just taken them out from behind. But Robin and Vivi recognized much more than that, causing a smirk to crawl over the elder's face, and a grimace over the younger's.

"Well, now, this is a pleasant surprise," Robin said calmly. "I suppose I should have realized that we would be crossing paths again soon, but I did not expect it to be under these circumstances."

"Likewise," came an even voice from behind the thugs. "But it's good to see that you haven't lost your touch, Miss All Sunday."

The voice's owner stepped past the mindless thugs and came into view. Franky and Brook both blinked at the girl before them, dressed in a fancy, white, tomboyish outfit, but Donny put together the pieces immediately from the use of the codename and, much more glaringly, the palette and paintbrush she was carrying. Paying them no mind, the girl cocked an eyebrow at Vivi.

"You could stand to be faster on the draw, Miss Wednesday," she said blandly.

"Nice to see you too, Miss Goldenweek," Vivi bit out, doing her level best to obliterate the diminutive assassin with her glare. "Dare I ask what you're doing here?"

"Right this way," Goldenweek hummed serenely in response, waving the Straw Hats inside, though not before she took out her paintbrush again and scribbled symbols on the backs of the men's heads.

Robin cocked an eyebrow at the symbols as she passed. "Forgetful Fuchsia, if I'm not mistaken?"

"Amnestic Aubergine," the painter corrected. "I've been getting a lot of practice with it lately, and it never ceases to be a good thing. It would be inconvenient if anyone finds out you're here."

"At least there's _some_ benefit to working with you…" Vivi sighed in reluctant approval.

While Robin and Vivi walked in, Franky, Brook and Donny all hung back and exchanged confused glances.

"You ever feel like a heaping heck of a lot of context just went right over your head?" Franky asked.

"Well, to be fair, I _am_ half a century behind the times!" Brook noted. "But yes, I felt that as well."

[Honestly, I say we just go with what you said earlier: _women,]_ Donny sighed, shrugging helplessly.

[Just shaddup and follow us, already,] Carue called back from further down the hall, prompting the trio to scramble after everyone else.

The building that they entered was a three story hall filled with bars and sturdy wooden tables. Light came from the many elegant lanterns hanging from the ceilings, creating a homey, classic tavern-type atmosphere. This picture was only enhanced by the rambunctious groups of men—most of them looking like well-dressed thugs—drinking and laughing at the tables. Young women clad in pink outfits with feathers on their arms moved between tables and took the men's orders or delivered food and drink.

Overall, it seemed like an ordinary banquet hall with an only slightly extraordinary clientele and staff. Though Robin's keen eyes noticed that Eternal Poses bearing the name 'Merveille' were on every table.

"What is this place…?" Vivi asked quietly, sticking to the shadows in an attempt to keep her distinctive hair from being noticed.

"Hell," Goldenweek answered. She then paused and glanced back at the frozen-in-shock Straw Hats. "That's what you call a gathering place of demons, yes?" She shrugged and started walking again. "Almost there."

The assassin led the group through the upper level of the hall, until they finally reached a booth tucked away in a corner, mostly out of sight of the room's general population.

"Got them," Goldenweek announced as she slipped into the booth, idly grabbing a rice-cracker off the table. "You were right, they _were_ close enough to find this place. It was a good call. Very surprising."

"Well, what can I say?" a familiar voice sneered from the shadows, causing Vivi to stiffen in shock. "I'm _all_ about being a contourarian kinda guy."

"Contrarian."

"That too!"

"Wait, you're—!?" the princess gasped.

"Well, well, well…" a cool and comported drawl interrupted her. "The Straw Hats have entered the building…"

"Which means that sanity can exit stage left! _Kyahahaha!"_ a far more chipper and manic voice laughed.

"Hehahaha!" the familiar voice cackled, and its owner drew the cover from the lamp's table to reveal a spike-toothed smirk. "Ain't that the truth!?"

The newly uncovered light source revealed more than that, of course. It allowed the Straw Hats to take in their impromptu hosts in all their uncharacteristically well-dressed glory: the Barto Club pirates themselves, or at least their top brass.

Mr. 5's outfit was hardly any different from how Robin and Vivi remembered, the only difference being the absence of his codename plastered all over. Miss Valentine was wearing a wider bottomed dress than they had last seen her in, patterned elegantly in yellow and black. The other young girl was wearing a black, ankle-length cheongsam with a golden dragon embroidered into it. And lastly, the gaunt man that none of them knew by sight was wearing a three-piece suit that clearly had not been tailored well.

The captain wore a yellow-and-orange pinstriped suit with ankle-length tails, a bolo tie with a silver clasp and inset lapis stone, and a dark red shirt. He was the only one that all of them recognized, and that was only because they knew the sharp-toothed grin and green hair—vaguely resembling a rooster's comb—from his wanted poster. The only surprise they found, given what little they knew of him, was that he was staying remarkably calm for meeting his idols in person, and was even displaying his usual bravado.

Bartolomeo nodded at the princess with a cocky smirk. "Glad to see you're still in one piece, Copperhead."

Vivi blinked in surprise, then pulled up a seat and collapsed into it with a weary sigh. "Glad to _be_ in one piece, Rooster," she groaned. "This place has been doing its level best to rip us apart at every turn…"

"Huh?!" Franky glanced in confusion between the princess and the other pirate. "You saying you guys know each other or something?"

"Somewhat," Robin provided in her usual mysterious tone. "He's a friend of a friend of Cross's. I imagine I don't need to tell you to not mention this to anyone else, yes?"

"Uh… yeah, if you say so, I guess," Franky shrugged.

"Yohohoho, whatever you say! Though if I could receive some compensation for my discre—URK!" Brook choked as a hand took hold of his jawbone. "On ffekn' ffot, Ah'nng 'ood!"

Donny barked something out, waving a flipper in front of his muzzle.

"'I'm perfectly content being a pugilistic scholar, leave me out of your shadow-politicking.' That's what he said," the other girl provided politely. She then smiled and waved in greeting. "By the way, I'm Apis. Nice to meet you all!"

"Gin," the gaunt man provided, grimacing as he tugged at the collar of his suit. "Don't worry about not knowing me, you all joined way after I met your captain."

"While with others, their acquaintance with our crew was more…" Robin spun her hand thoughtfully. "Let's go with _recent."_

"Five. Valentine," Vivi stated frigidly.

"Oh, come on, don't be like that. It almost sounds like you hold a grudge," Five drawled grumpily.

"Yeah!" Valentine leaned forward and smirked impishly, resting her chin in the propped up palm of her hand. "You shouldn't address your superiors so glibly, Miss _Wednesday!"_

_Thunk!_

Both assassins recoiled in shock when Vivi suddenly sank the tip of one of her Lion Cutters into the tabletop with a twitching grin. "First off, you will _address me_ as Princess Nefertari Vivi," Vivi grit out. "Secondly, apart from the fact that I never _truly_ considered myself to be a member of your organization, I'd like to remind the both of you that I can and _will_ cut you."

"And third…" The ex-assassins stiffened as they felt a sensation they were far too familiar with by half. "I believe that if we're going by our old positions, I would count as _your_ superior, no?"

"Barty—!" Valentine whimpered plaintively around the hand that lightly gripping her windpipe, eyes locked on the knife Robin was smoothly flipping around her hand.

"Don't look at me, you dipshits dug this hole, you can dig yourselves out," Bartolomeo grunted, visibly more interested in the finger he was using to dig through his ear. Pulling it out, he smirked at the rest of the Straw Hats who were unfamiliar with him, taking the chance to polish his nails on his jacket. "And as for me, I'm 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo. Worth ฿350 Million, one of the most infamous rookies on the sea—" He flashed a pointy grin at the Straw Hats. "And a _personal_ friend of Monkey D. Luffy and Jeremiah—!"

_THUNK!_ "YEOW!"

Barty abruptly transitioned into a cry of pain due to the fork Goldenweek sank into his leg without even looking at him. "WHAT THE HELL, BRAT, I WASN'T EVEN FLIPPING OUT!" he roared at his diminutive crewmate.

"No, you were just being an ass," Goldenweek hummed around her cracker.

"You little—!" Barto snarled, reaching for her throat.

" _Rooster,"_ Vivi emphasized with a slap of her hand on the table, getting the captain's attention back on her. "What the hell is this place, and what the hell are _you_ doing here?!"

Barty shot one last side glare at his underling before donning a cocky smirk and raising his arms to gesture at the room of criminals and villains around them. "Ain't it obvious, Princess? This here's one of the many gathering spots the great pirate, 'Golden Lion' Shiki, has set up in his hideout of Merveille for the fifty _other_ pirate crews he's recruited to join in a grand alliance, which he's personally heading up. And as for me? Weeeell…" Barto leaned back, arms sprawled behind his chair, and proudly raised his chin. "You're speaking to the newly recruited commander of his _51st_ division, thank you very much."

Vivi's eyes widened in shock. "You _infiltrated_ his ranks?"

"Not like I had much of a fucking choice!" Barty snarled, leaning forward on his elbow. "He's _Shiki!_ The man fought Roger, for cripes' sake. When he says you're his new commander, you damn well act as his commander! And, well…" He winced and glanced aside, rubbing the back of his neck. "I thought it'd be a good way to try and find you guys and get some intel for the Masons, ya know?"

"Well, you're sitting in front of another Mason now, so what do you know?" Vivi pressed.

Bartolomeo's face darkened, and Gin spoke up.

"If Shiki didn't have a complete ban on bringing snails into this place, we'd have every alarm bell ringing," the old Demon of the East said grimly. "But even if he's loose-lipped about his plans to anyone here, he's got enough brains to take that precaution. Any snail comes into Merveille, he locks it down tight. Total communications blackout. That's the only reason…" Gin slammed his fist on the table with a grim glare. "The only reason the East Blue isn't being evacuated as fast as possible."

The reactions to _that_ particular tidbit were as expected: pallor, rage, and hatred.

"Shiki's behind the attacks on the East Blue—" Franky began, his lips twitching into a scowl.

Robin's eyes narrowed dangerously. "—and he's been using these monsters to pull it off—"

"—and now he's gathered all of these crews together to form a traditional army to make matters even worse," Brook finished, teeth audibly grinding.

"More than just that," Vivi snarled, 5 and Valentine and even Goldenweek edging away from the livid princess despite the fact she was gnawing on her thumb. "This kind of an army… his sights are set higher than just the East Blue, aren't they?"

"'First the East Blue, and then the world'," Apis repeated grimly into her juice. "That's what he said when he recruited us. And with his powers keeping his army out of anyone's reach until they start attacking, and those beasts acting as a vanguard to break any forces that oppose him, there's nothing anyone down there can do about it."

"But the Lion made two big mistakes," Bartolomeo cut in, his grin as savage as ever. "The first was not noticing that our crew was from the East Blue. All he saw was us attacking a Celestial Dragon and getting away with it. And the second mistake?"

He threw back his head and cackled. "HEHAHAHAHAHA! He was actually _braindead stupid enough_ to not only declare war on the Straw Hat Pirates by stealing one of their own, he brought them to this place himself! Oh, sure, he's a monster in combat, no denying that, but my money's still on you guys."

"Naturally, he's going to regret challenging us. But before that, we need to find the rest of the crew," Brook said, most likely poking up a finger behind the shades of his 'hat'. "As you all have access to the video feeds of the archipelago, would you know of our compatriots' current locations?"

"Kinda yes, kinda no," Valentine sigh explosively as she sank down in her seat. "We've been given a frontrow seat to the pummelings you've all been giving and taking, yes, but you're all moving way too fast for us to pin down. One day or even minute you're in one biome, the next you've shoved off to another. Trying to go based off of the feeds would just mean we end up where your friends _were_ and nothing more."

"But thankfully," Five picked up in his usual drawl. "We've managed to find a different solution we think will work just as well."

"And that's where I come in! YO!" Barto barked, hand raised. "CAN I GET SOME DAMN SERVICE OVER HERE?!"

A passing young woman with a red ponytail and the same feathered arms as the rest of the 'wait staff' looked over at the call, and began making her way towards them. "Greetings folks, my name's Ever and I'll be your waitress. How may I help you this fine evening?" she asked with a smile.

Vivi cocked an eyebrow. "Impressive. It took me years to learn how to hide that kind of hate that well."

Ever responded with a more honest smile and her fingers in a v-sign. "Thanks, and don't worry, it's directed more at my 'employers' and the words, not you guys. Barty and his guys have literally been the nicest folks we've met around here in years. It's just a bit hard to turn it off sometimes. Seriously, how can I help?"

Standing, Brook leaned in close to the waitress. "Well, first," he said, looking her up and down. "Would you mind showing me your panties?"

A vein popped to life on Ever's forehead, and she leaped elegantly into the air. "NO WAY, CREEP!" she snapped, slamming an axe kick down on Brook's head that slammed him to the ground and dislodged the basket he had been wearing.

"Ohhh… you kicked my face off," Brook moaned, raising his head.

"Yeah, and I'll damn well do it again if you try… something… like… that…"

Ever's eyes widened as she got a good look at Brook's face, a feeling that was reflected by the majority of the Barto Club.

"But then!" Brook continued with rising mirth. "It's not like I have a face to begin with! YOHOHOHO!" He then blinked—somehow—in confusion when he realized that a good fifteen-foot radius had gone dead silent. "Uh… is everything alright?"

The only response he got was Goldenweek's rice cracker falling from her slack jaws.

"Brook, have you looked in the mirror anytime within the last 50 years?" Franky deadpanned.

"Hm? A mirror? Why? Is there something wrong with my face?" Brook asked, picking up a glass and looking into his reflection. He stared for a second before recoiling in horror. "UWAH! OH DEAR GOD NO!"

{What, is something wrong?} Donny signed in concern.

"Oh, it's terrible, just terrible!" Brook pointed at his eye-holes. "I'm starting to go yellow around my orbital sockets! Now how will I get all the hot young skeletons to love me?!"

_WHAM!_

Vivi, Franky, Carue, and Donny all face-planted out of their seats. Robin remained more composed, but her palm still met her face, though that didn't muffle the fond chuckle.

"What," Gin managed, eyes wide.

"In," Mr. 5 continued, in much the same condition.

"The," Miss Valentine picked up.

"Actual," Apis squeaked.

"Everloving!" Ever choked out.

"SHIT?!" Goldenweek shrieked at full blast.

Bartolomeo snapped his fingers. "AHEM!" he coughed, all eyes turning back to him. "As funny as this is to watch, Ever, I need you to fill these guys in on the local safe places."

"Wha—? Captain, are you seriously not going to react to—?" Apis started to protest.

Rolling his eyes, Bartolomeo crossed his fingers, and the words "DEVIL FRUIT" traced themselves on the table in big block letters. "Anyway…" Giving Apis and his other two ability-using officers one last disdainful look, which got them blushing and looking every which way but at him, he turned to the waitress. "Ever, we didn't call you here just for more drinks. Tell these guys what you told us."

The feather-armed young woman blinked in surprise at the request, then coughed into her fist and hastily comported herself. "W-Well, as you most likely noticed on your way here, the only areas safe from Shiki's modified monsters are the ones protected by barriers of Daft Green trees. Besides here, I only know of two places where the Daft Greens are planted: Shiki's palace, which is where your friend Nami is—"

"Saving that for once we've got everyone back together," Vivi cut in.

"—and my home village. It's at the lowest point of the archipelago, so that Shiki can literally reign over everyone. Your friends have been moving down and towards the main island this entire time, so they _should_ find it sooner or later. We haven't seen them yet, mind…" Ever pointed out several projections on the wall, which displayed a perfectly normal village, save for the feathers on everyone's arms. "But then, the surveillance on our home isn't exactly subtle. I'm certain that if they are there, they're just staying out of sight of the snails."

Vivi frowned in both confusion and concern. "Wait, you mean to say that Shiki's maintaining surveillance on your village? Why?"

Ever shrugged helplessly. "Beats me. The only people Shiki's left back home are the children and elderly. Some of us think he's showing us a mercy by letting us keep an eye on our loved ones, but… well. You've met him."

"That I have…" the princess muttered in agreement, eyes darting back and forth in thought. She considered for a minute longer before shaking her head and standing up. "Well, I guess I'll go ahead and check out that village; with Carue, I can get there and back faster than the rest of you. I'll find out what I can while I'm there."

{I'll go with you,} Donny signed as he waddled to her side. {I've been without my siblings and master for a week and for some Set-damned reason I _miss them._ Sooo I'd rather see if any of them have found their way to the village than stay here, sitting on my tail and twiddling my flippers…} His expression then fell flat. {And so help me, if you ever tell any of them I said that I missed them, I will _stab_ you.}

"Noted," Vivi chuckled.

"We'll stay here, then, gather more intel and try to put together a plan while we wait for you to get back," Franky said.

"You have fun out there, try not to get eaten on the way," Robin added, a winning smile on her face. "After all, you will be riding around out there on a tasty duck, so the chances of you being swallowed alive are quite substantial. But still, happy thoughts, right?"

Vivi smiled back innocently. "Robin, I'll keep thinking happy thoughts while you **soak your head."**

"Oh, come now, surely you don't mean—!" _SPLASH!_ "— _blurgh!?"_

Blinking stupidly, Robin tracked her hand as it put down the now-empty glass that it had just splashed in her face.

[Aaaaand I'm out. Move it, blubber-butt,] Carue quacked, walking away with Vivi and Donny following close behind.

Robin stared after the princess, frowning slightly, before shaking her head with a bemused smile, gratefully accepting a small towel from Ever. "Mmm… so, new outfits?" she asked, clearly looking for a way to change the subject.

"Eh, it's a momentous occasion for the Golden Ass," Barto shrugged. "After nightfall, all the crews are going to join Shiki at his palace for an allegiance ceremony, and he wants everyone to look their best."

"I could do without it," Gin grumbled, uncomfortably shifting around in his ill-fitting outfit. "I just grabbed the first thing I saw in his tailor's quarters that looked right. Didn't bother to get it fitted…"

"We can get you some too, if you want!" Ever offered eagerly. "The tailor is so overloaded with orders that he won't notice if I slipped a few extra orders in. Though…"She frowned in concern, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "We'd still need the measurements for the rest of your crewmates, so, I guess that's a—"

"Here you go."

Ever blinked in surprise at the disembodied hand currently offering her a folded up piece of paper, but she took it in stride, unfolded it, and then nearly fell over in shock when she read what was written _on_ it. "What the—!? These are measurements for your entire crew! How and why on earth do you have these on hand!?"

Robin's response was a very wide, very _disturbing_ grin, accompanied by an equally disturbing chuckle. "Weeeeell—"

"On second thought, I don't wanna know!" the feather-armed woman frantically pleaded off. "I-I'll just go ahead and get this to the tailor, so that you all can look your best as you kick Shiki's ass! Good luck to you all!"

But before the waitress could properly skedaddle, however, a mook rushed up to the table with a panicked expression. "B-Boss Bart! We've got a major problem!" the pirate hissed out, his eyes darting this way and that as if to spot hidden watchers.

In response, Bart scoffed and started picking his nose again, sending his underling an unimpressed look. "Buddy, we're balls deep in enemy territory and under the heel of one of the worst pirates in living memory. How the _hell_ could shit get any worse?"

Unnoticed by anyone else at the table, Robin brought her hand to her face, then several more.

"I, uh, well…" The underling glanced surreptitiously at Ever before leaning over the table to his captain and hissing something in Barto's ear as quietly as he could.

For his part, Barto nodded and grunted in understanding at the information. Then, all at once, he stiffened as though struck by lightning.

"SHIKI'S GOING TO DO _WHAT!?"_

**-o-**

The sound of flatulence rose from rubber soles with each step Dr. Indigo took towards the pool room. The not-so-good doctor intended to surreptitiously gather some data about the bird that he had left with the prisoner—er, new recruit. After all, just because he couldn't take it away by his captain's orders didn't mean he couldn't still observe it. It wouldn't be particularly _productive_ observation, not when he was looking to build a better killing machine and those women only saw a probably-cute animal, but at least he would find out what the creature did when left to its own devices with constant human contact.

Upon entering the room, his grinning face scanned the room in search of the peaducken (name pending). Unfortunately, it was nowhere to be seen. Nor, as he took in the entirety of the room, was the former Straw Hat. Paling beneath his makeup, his eyes turned toward the pool—

" _Horo horo horo horo horo horo horo…"_

And then snapped upward at the familiar haunting laughter of the other 'prisoner'. His pallor intensified when he did not see a young tanning goth girl, but instead three large, orb-shaped specters with childlike eyes and mouths. Well, except for the part where the mouths were grinning in blatant, naked malice.

" _Thanks for being such_ wonderful _hosts,"_ came Perona's taunting voice from the specters. " _But we've overstayed our welcome, so we're heading out now. But here's a parting gift for you. TRIPLE SPECIAL HOLLOW!"_

Indigo barely had time to even _begin_ deploying his fumes for Chemical Juggling before the specters completely swamped him. Only the sheer size of the palace kept anyone else from hearing the massive detonation that followed a moment later.

**-o-**

"Clowns and mad scientists _like_ blowing up, right?" Perona snarked, fighting not to burst into laughter. She waited for someone else to do so in her place and sagged despondently when she realized that no one was around to do so.

"Maaan," she groused, spinning the spectral rendition of her parasol on her shoulder. "It really sucks not having an entourage around to laugh at my jokes anymore." The astral 'princess' cast a glare up and through the lake she was floating beside. "Where the heck _are_ they? It's not _that_ far from the drain to the castle, shouldn't they have been here by now?"

Sighing, Perona mentally gave it another minute and went back to taking in the landscape around her. She glanced at the coral coating the bed of the lake she was floating beside—a lake that defied gravity by essentially being a vertical wall—but she'd been examining that for most of the time she'd been waiting. She glanced down, towards the target island, with its caldera lake, green canopy, and the Thousand Sunny visible at the end of the scar in the jungle it had left, but it wasn't a very visually appealing island.

With little other choice, she turned back to the coral, and the gap Nami was supposed to come out of. Thankfully, a few more seconds the duck and the Straw Hat flew out of the hole, shooting straight for the edge of the lake. Perona flew up out of the way and heard a splash followed by the gasp of someone inhaling after a long time holding their breath. In seconds, she was beside Nami, flying down alongside the navigator, who was clinging to her plummeting mount's back.

"Enjoy the swim?" Perona shouted over the rushing wind.

"Shi— _hugh!—_ Shiki's got almost a mile of plumbing under his monument to his own ego, and my mount took three wrong turns in a row!" Nami shouted back, coughing up a lungful of water halfway through. "If I weren't such a good swimmer, I'd have drowned twice over!"

"Yeah, well, you're in luck, because you can recover and dry off once we get back to the Sunny!" Perona said, beamed ecstatically as she pointed up. Or down, rather, seeing as she was floating downward head first. "Shiki must not be paying attention to where he lets the islands float, because we're falling straight towards your ship!"

"Really!?" Nami gasped happily. "Oh, man, that's great! Hey, duck!" She tapped the back of her mount's head. "Pull up! We're close to… my… uh, duck? Duck!" She rapped his head hard, and paled when he failed to even twitch. "Ooooh crap."

Perona righted herself, sending Nami a look of concern. "What's wrong?"

The navigator cursed colorfully under her breath as she tried to shake her mount awake. "Damn damn _damn!_ _I'm_ a good swimmer, but ducky here isn't! He must have conked out after the last turn!"

"Ooooh… yikes," the zombie princess winced sympathetically. "Well, look on the bright side: At least your landing won't be _too_ hard."

"Huh?" Nami blinked at Perona in confusion. "What are you—?"

_SPLASH!_

"— _BLURGH!?"_

" _That's_ what I'm talking about," Perona giggled to herself as she stopped _just_ short of the water-filled caldera, while Nami and her ride slammed face-first into it. Once the giggling subsided, the ghost girl peered through the water. "Wow, I'm honestly surprised! Even after a fall that high, it looks like she's gonna be okay."

Perona's schadenfreude-enforced smirk faded fast, her pallid demeanor lightening even further as a group of very large beasts, partly shadowed by the surface of the water, heading straight for Nami. "She'll… probably be okay?" she hesitantly corrected.

_**KRZZZZZZZT!** _

The sudden explosion of lightning, and the accompanying flash of light, prompted Perona to wince and shield her eyes. When she lowered her hand, the aquatic beasts surfaced, and Perona readied Negative Hollows almost reflexively before recognizing that that shock had done all that was needed; they were no longer among the living. She stared for a few moments at the corpses, and then the duck emerged from the water, perched on what remained of the least fortunate of the attackers, merely a skeleton, and squawked triumphantly.

"That was a shock," Perona most certainly did _not_ say. What she _did_ do was grin and pump her fists triumphantly. "But now Nami's definitely okay!"

The fresh bravado lasted long enough for both she and the duck looked around, and their jaws dropped in horror at the sight of her body floating nearby. _Face-down._ "Maybe, _maybe_ okay," Perona choked out.

The duck, to his credit, reacted instantly. In a matter of seconds, he had flown over to Nami, taken her in his talons, and carried her to the shore, her limbs skimming the water as he flew.

Perona followed. By the time she caught up, the duck had placed Nami down on the rock and was pacing nervously, then gingerly poked her with his beak. She stirred slightly, and the duck let out a squawk of joy. Then, in a move that was an inadvisable but not unsound leap of logic, he began pecking her much more insistently and forcefully.

"CUT THAT OUT!" Nami roared, sending the duck flying almost to the other end of the crater with her punch.

"Okay, yeah, you're okay," Perona slumped with a relieved sigh.

"Almost— _ugh…—_ wasn't…" Nami hacked miserably, massaging her throat. "What the heck happened?…and why do I smell _toast,_ of all things?"

Slowly, Perona pointed her finger at the paradoxically sheepish duck. "Yellow bill boy here saved your bacon by frying the things coming up to munch on you. Your fault for not being naturally resistant to electricity."

The navigator snapped a paralyzing glare at the electro-fowl, freezing him in place. Tersely, "On the one hand, I _really_ feel like knocking your bill into your brain for _almost killing me_ twice in a row."

The duck flinched and began waving its wings about, quacking frantically. That quacking shifted into a squawk of surprise when Nami threw her arms around his neck and brought him into a hug.

"On the other hand, I am _so freaking happy_ to be out of that hellhole, and it's all thanks to you!" Nami laughed in relief. "So thank you _soooo_ much!"

The duck smiled widely and, with a pleased squawk, returned the affection and hug.

After a few minutes, Nami let go, and she turned her smile on Perona, only this time with more of an edge to the expression. "And now that we're out… you said that this is the island the Sunny is on?"

"More than that, this is the _mountain_ your ship's on!" Perona replied with an equally vicious grin. "It's this way, on the slope! Come on, let's go! I want to get back in my body as soon as possible." And with that, the astral girl swooped off and over the lip of the caldera, with the duck carrying Nami close behind.

The second the duck crested the edge and Nami laid eyes on the Thousand Sunny, her face lit up with joy and relief. Jumping off the duck's back, she took off down the mountain, though she slowed her careening run at the explosions that blossomed in the forest to her left. And she stopped completely, just in sight of the Sunny, when a handful of familiar figures came out of the forest, heading for the other side. They abruptly came to a halt as they saw the familiar form of their ship. One of them fell to his knees, his hands raised in triumph—

" _ **HAAAA-LLELUJA! HAAAA-LLELUJA! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLE-E-ELUJA!"**_

With the loudest of them on his shoulder providing a very loud but undeniably beautiful soundtrack.

"And here I thought that that snail didn't have any good taste at all," Perona muttered.

"I should care more about that, but honestly, I'm a little preoccupied with the fact that they're actually here! LUFFY! CROSS! BOSS!" Nami shouted in joy, waving her arms over her head.

The trio snapped their heads in her direction, and even from so far away, Nami still knew that they were all beaming with just as much exuberance. "Nami!" Cross's voice laughed in relief, the blond collapsing onto his ass as the energy seemed to drain out of him. "Oh maaan, you have no idea how stupidly relieved I am to see you again!"

As if on cue, the omnipresent sounds of roaring animals and snapping foliage suddenly intensified, and before anyone could react three massive, bearded scorpions, with carapaces in blue-black, grey-black, and red-black, shoved aside some trees, claws clacking. Then, not ten feet from that group, a massive, scarred, rotund lion with short stubby legs and sharp, not-stubby-at-all fangs bowled over some more trees, flopping onto its feet and roaring. And on the other side, a massive toad with a grey, pebbly hide that just _screamed_ durable came crashing out of the canopy, accompanied by a loud croak.

By contrast, the oversized komodo dragon that barreled in five seconds later was almost _normal_. Except there was crazed look in its eyes that it shared with the other five animals, and the drool dripping out of its mouth caused hissing smoke to rise above where it dripped onto the forest floor.

Regardless, all six took one look at the humans in the clearing, intensified their respective noises, and then dipped their heads and charged.

Cross moaned and let his head hang. "…these bastards, not so much."

"Uuuurgh…" Boss groaned, falling onto his flippers. "Normally, I'd show off some more machismo and help you with dusting our lunch… but at this point, we're exhausted and you look fresh, any chance you could fry them for us?"

The smirk Nami adopted would have sent any sane being diving off the edge of the island. Less painful that way. "Oh, you have _no idea,"_ she purred, assembling her Clima-Tact as fast as blinking and deploying a mass of iron cloud. That mass of strands quickly bunched up into a ball behind Nami. "You're going to want to get out of the way, because this one's brand new! Divine—!"

"GrrrrRRRRAGH! _ENOUGH!"_

Nami halted mid-attack at Luffy's incensed bellow. She wasn't the only one, either. The cavalcade of monstrosities, so eager two seconds before, all hit the brakes, some tumbling as their legs locked up and the front runners shoved forward by the beasts behind running into them.

Having known the rubber man for as long as she had, Nami could tell the yell was more out of frustration boiling over than actual anger. Not unexpected, considering what they must have been going through over the last week, but why would he ask her to stop? One blast and they'd have some peace and—

"WE'VE BEEN CHASED ALL OVER THESE ISLANDS FOR _DAYS!"_ Luffy roared, glaring hellfire at the oncoming beasts as he marched towards them with his fist strangling his pipe. "WE'VE FINALLY FOUND OUR FRIENDS, OUR HOME, AND WE _BEAT ALL OF YOU!_ YOU LOST, WE WON! NOW GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEADS, AND _LEAVE!"_

Luffy took one more step toward the small horde, causing them to try and frantically backpedal.

" _US!"_

Another step—no, a _stomp,_ this one shattering the earth beneath the captain's feet.

" _ **ALONE!"**_

Luffy's roar hit its peak on that final word, and the air _rippled._ A wave of _force_ slammed clean into Nami, stealing the breath from her lungs and sending her stumbling back. It… It was like the few times Vivi had accidentally snared her while practicing her Sovereign's Will, but at the same time… at the same time it was so much _more._ If it weren't for her staff, she would have fallen to her knees or even collapsed outright as the hazy image of a gargantuan beast imposed itself— _crushed itself_ —into her mind's eye.

After a minute, the pressure eased enough for her to stand upright and look around. What she saw sent a chill over her body; Perona was nowhere to be seen, the duck had collapsed out cold beside her with foam coming out of his slack beak, Cross was slumped over and barely supporting himself on Boss, Soundbite's shell foaming on his shoulder… and most importantly, the three giant scorpions and their entourage were collapsed on the ground, dead to the world with more foam practically flowing from their mouths.

It took a few seconds, but Nami's mind eventually rebooted, and threw up a seemingly random memory. A memory of everyone sharing their tales of battle from Enies Lobby once they'd returned to Water Seven.

A memory of Cross sharing his knowledge of Kings and Conquerors.

_That_ memory shook the last of the weakness out of her legs, and she sprinted down the slope to regroup with her friends as fast as possible. "Cross!" she gasped out when she arrived, swapping her gaze between the tactician and her captain. "Was that—!?"

"AH!" Luffy yelped, recoiling in shock at the sight of his crewmates' haggard expressions. "What the—!? Did I do that to you guys!? I'm so—!"

"Luffy!" Cross interrupted in a choked voice, visibly fighting to keep his head on straight and his gaze at least somewhat on target. "That feeling, w-whatever you felt just now, the anger, the rage, I-I-I don't know, I don't care, y-you, you need to… you need to remember it. Hold onto it. Th-Th-That _feeling._ Because what you just did…" Cross's dizzied expression slowly grew into a massive, mad grin. "That was a boot… _clean_ _through_ the door… of the Conqueror's throne room."

" _Hail TO_ **THE KING** _ **baby…"**_ Soundbite gurgled through his own foam.

"Yeah, that was really cool and awesome and manly, and I _really_ want to see you learn to get it under control…" Boss wheezed, shaking his head in an attempt to clear the fog from his mind. "Just, don't practice it too close to us, until you're a heck of a lot better at controlling your range, would you? Feels like someone reached through my shell to clock my skull."

Luffy flinched, visibly unsure how to respond. Nami was more than a little shaken herself, but she gathered herself together enough to fall back on what never failed to distract Luffy.

"Hey, Luffy? How do you think those things taste?"

The rubber-man's face lit up, and he charged over to the nearest scorpion. Cross shot her a relieved smile, especially now that he could stand on solid legs, which she returned.

"It'll be nice to enjoy a meal _without_ worrying about something charging at us partway through," Boss nodded in agreement, cracking his neck back and forth in an effort to unstiffen his too-worn muscles.

"Food later, rest now," Lassoo suddenly wheezed, shoving himself off of his wielder's back and flopping to the ground in a boneless heap, his tongue lolling out of his maw. "Cross, drop us off on the Sunny before you do anything else, would you? I've got dire urge to whiz on a tree…"

Cross chuckled at the request, and drew his sword and cast it aside. "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you feel the same way."

The elephant-sword grew to his full size and then promptly tumbled onto his side, a relieved bray coming from his trunk. "Ohh, you have _no_ idea. First, I'mma drink all the water I can handle. Then, eat as much untainted grass as I can stomach," Funkfreed said in tearful relief.

"Right up that way," Nami jabbed her thumb over her shoulder, up the mountainside. "There's a whole caldera up there filled with fresh water, you can gorge until you burst."

"Halle-frickin'-lujah!" Funkfreed cried, somehow finding the strength to right himself and charge up the mountain far faster than anything his size had the right to move.

"Ah, wait! Soundbite, if you could—?" Nami pointed after the elephant, and was rewarded with a crackle of static. "Funkfreed, on your way back down, grab the knocked-out duck! He's a friend of mine, and if it weren't for him, Shiki'd still have me!"

She got a wordless trumpet and a wave of the pachyderm's trunk for acknowledgement.

Nami nodded gratefully, then began looking around. "Now, where did Perona go?"

A scream like a banshee followed by a familiar astral form shooting from the crow's nest answered that. " _YOOOOOU!"_

Nami shook her head as she made tracks for the Sunny, her mind filling in the details long before Perona's livid and graffiti-covered form floated down to meet her.

"Is it _too much_ to ask that I might _rightfully punish_ someone for _violating my body_ while I was out of it?" she furiously demanded.

"Hey, you go right ahead and rip their psyche apart for all I care," Nami said placatingly, hands raised in surrender. "Just make sure they're breathing once you're finished."

" _No promises,"_ Perona snarled, shooting off in a blind and Hollow-shrouded rage.

Nami stared after her before slowly pinching the bridge of her nose. "Dare I even _ask_ who stayed here and watched over her body?"

"That'd be this blubber-arsed moron right here, ma'am," Boss stated flatly as he Rip Tide'd to her side, holding a slack and soaking Raphey by her tail. "Found her cowering in the fishtank."

"Don't let her get me, I don't wanna be a sea cucumbe-e-er…" Raphey wept.

Boss rolled his eyes. Tiredly, "I am too hungry and too sober for this shit. Tell you what." The dugong stabbed his cigar towards the insensate beasts. "De-meat the two scorpions our captain isn't on in less than half an hour and I won't toss your ass to your rightful comeuppance."

"Yessir, Master Boss sir!" Raphey barked, saluting while still upside-down.

"Get to it," Boss nodded, tossing her away. But before she could Riptide, he snapped his fingers, prompting her to turn her head. "And Raphey."

"S-Sir?"

Boss took a long, slow drag before breathing out a cloud of smoke. "…well done. You did your squad proud. Keep it up."

Raphey immediately beamed. "Yes _sir!"_ And with that she soared away to perform her task.

Nami let the green, brown and pink blur leave her sight before side-eyeing the older amphibian. "…I assume you meant the guard duty and not the graffitti?" Nami deadpanned.

Boss smirked and tilted the brim of his hat down. "Said what I meant, meant what I said. Take it how you will."

For a long while, Nami remained in that deadpan, sidelong expression. And then, out of the blue, she collapsed to her knees and dragged the dugong into a tight hug, burying her face in his skullplate.

"I missed you crazy bastards so damn much…" Nami sobbed into his hat.

Boss, frozen in surprise, let himself relax and returned the hug. "There there. Wasn't much fun without you either, ma'am," he replied, patting her shoulder comfortingly.

**-o-**

Hearing those words and seeing Nami so relieved felt like getting stabbed in the heart with a knife made out of solid guilt. I couldn't hide the grimace that came over my face; it was just lucky that Soundbite was the only one who noticed it, although the slightly scared look on his face told me all I needed to know about my expression.

"Later, once this mess is over," I said quietly, making every attempt to mask the reminder of what was yet to come with the current situation and the implications thereof: Nami back, and Shiki yet to pay. It helped that it wasn't long before Nami broke the hug with Boss and came over to grab me up instead.

Memories of the same situation on another sky island ending with a tongue shoved down my throat made me twitch involuntarily, but I dismissed the sentiment just as fast and returned the hug with gusto.

"I am going to plant my greave in whatever the Monsters leave intact," I swore quietly.

"And Chopper and I will be right there alongside you backing you up," Nami chuckled back. "Monsters and Demons, I know, I know… but still…" Nami released me and stepped back, her expression deadly serious. "Cross, I have _so_ much that I need to tell you."

I jabbed my thumb over at our future dinner, my good mood suddenly turned somber. "Lemme guess, Indigo is Shiki's quack and this place is his bio-weapons lab?"

Our navigator blinked slowly, and the energy visibly drained out of her. "…not as much to tell you as I thought," she murmured lamely.

"We can compare notes later. For now, you go ahead, grab some new clothes and relax," I said, pointing her to the Sunny. Right as she turned away, though, a thought occurred to me and I graced her with a flat look. "And no baring your midriff; I'm almost positive the bastard ripped a cape off of Little Garden to make this place, and I don't want to have to save your ginger ass a second time from whatever pathogens places like this can cough up."

Nami paused, turned around me, and matched my flat look with one of her own. "I really hope that Tashigi managed to recruit that Cleaner, because your memory clearly needs it. _You_ got sick from Little Garden, Cross, not me."

"Uh-huh." I donned a smirk as I gestured at her stomach. "By the way, nice tick marks. _Oh wait!"_

Nami raised her finger, opened her mouth to ask what the hell I was talking about… and snapped it shut with an aggravated hiss as the penny dropped. "You win this one, big mouth. You win this one."

"Pfheheheh," I chuckled, folding my arms behind my head. "What can I say, eh? I'm on a hot streak lately!"

" _DAMN_ — _Puru puru puru puru!_ — **STRAIGHT!** _**YO!"**_ Soundbite agreed, while also starting in surprise.

"And let's keep that streak rolling!" I chuckled in relief. I popped Soundbite off my shoulder and held him before me. "Freaking finally, I've been waiting for them to call. At least they didn't do it when we were being watched."

"I hear that," Nami nodded sympathetically. "But still, let's hurry this up before Shiki decides to come snooping, right? Because I don't doubt—!"

"No!" I cut in, sticking my raised finger in her face.

"Wha—!? Cross!"

" _No,"_ I repeated firmly, jabbing my finger past her at the Sunny. "Clothes. Shower. Bed. _Now._ And if you don't take the time to rest and relax, so help me."

"Or _what?"_ Nami scoffed incredulously. "You'll send me to bed without dessert?"

" _Or else,"_ I repeated back at her with a malevolent grin. "I enlist Robin and Vivi's help and while you're asleep they give you a haircut that would make Bellemere _proud."_

Nami blinked, then paled and snapped her hands to her scalp. "You wouldn't."

A venomous smile on my face, I leaned in as close as I could. " _Try me."_

The sight of Nami running with her tail between her legs felt _so_ good, almost as good as seeing the Sunny again after… _that week_. "Winning. Streak," I repeated.

"… _Interesting threat there, Cross."_

My smirk twitched harshly. "Aaaand winning streak over. Damn you, snail."

" _ **CUT ME A BREAK!**_ **DO YOU REALIZE** _how annoying that RINGING GETS_ **after the first few seconds?!"** Soundbite groused, rolling his eyes. "AND DON'T WORRY, I MADE DOUBLY SURE _no feather-rats_ _ **hauling my peeping cousins were anywhere nearby."**_

" _He's got a point, you know. The ringing does get annoying,"_ Tashigi _oh so helpfully_ pointed out. " _Anyway, Cross, to answer what I'm sure is your first question here, it took so long for me to call you because for some reason, the Navy is monitoring all Transponder Snails like they're a lab experiment that might blow up. Some of the officers think the brass are paranoid about how far Shiki's stretched his influence over the years. But hey, who knows, maybe they're just concerned that with all the anarchy you've spread, you have some contacts inside the Navy itself. And they're not wrong, really."_ That last was said with a slight smile.

It didn't last. " _Anyway, I had to wait until we reached Sagittarius to be safe; he's had a White Transponder Snail secretly on hand for years in case of an emergency. So I couldn't contact you safely until now."_

I nodded in acceptance of the explanation, and took over the conversation.

"Just as well that you didn't get a chance until now. we've been on the run for the last week, and we only just found where the Sunny landed. Shiki took us to his base, an archipelago held in the sky by his powers, and it's filled with an army of hyper-mutated bioweapon animals that he and his crewmate Dr. Indigo—think Caesar Clown, both in genius and lack of conscience—have created. These things look like they've crawled out of the New World and Soundbite says they're only getting stronger every second, if he lets these things loose, it'll be a _bloodbath._ "

" _Yeah, well, whatever you're imagining, reality is going to be a million times worse."_

I frowned in confusion. "Know something I don't?"

" _Oh-hoh, trust me, you know it as well as I do,"_ Tashigi grimaced. " _Think about it, Cross, imagine it: the result of all those animals set loose at once, whipped into a frenzy at the same time, and then set loose on a location, most_ any _location. What would be the result?"_

I frowned in thought, turning the pieces over. And then I almost puked as my body tried to react in _so many fucking ways at once._ "So… what you're telling me is that not only did Shiki personally attack one of our crew, he's personally attacking _our sea of origin as well?"_

I heard teeth grinding as Tashigi slowly nodded in confirmation. " _For what it's worth, while it_ is _personal, Aquarius doesn't think it's personal with_ you _specifically_. _According to her, Shiki got that wheel he has stuck in his head when he last clashed with Roger, with his entire fleet backing him to take on Roger's lone_ Oro Jackson _. Shiki lost, utterly, and has hated Roger ever since for destroying his dreams of world domination. More specifically, he hated how he was beaten by a man—"_

"—from the weakest, most worthless of all the Blues," I finished. "Which also explains why he came after _us,_ the big-shot rookies from the East who are following almost exactly in Roger's footsteps. He wants to both stamp out the source of his hatred at the source _and_ get the victory he thinks was rightfully his twenty years ago. I hate to say it, but it makes sense. Sense through a twisted lens, but sense."

" _Yeah? Well that 'sense' is going to justify dropping killer rabbits on the East Blue, and unlike you, most civilians aren't quite so good at running."_

"Hey, I wasn't trying to—!" That was as far as I got before what she'd said _really_ hit me, and my eyes widened into an incredulous stare. "Tashigi… how the hell did you know that I almost got my head ripped off by a rabbit this morning?"

Soundbite's expression flattened into a glower. " _Zero for two, I thought you would have put the pieces together already, Cross. Shiki is using your transceiver to broadcast what's going on with your crew all over the world; he delivered Visual Transponder Snails to all across the Blues and the Grand Line; as of noon today,_ everyone _is watching."_

My jaw dropped in horror. "Sonnuva— _that pompous old tyrant got more viewers than me!?"_

"… _Please tell me someone else is listening to you right now, Cross,"_ Tashigi said with absolutely no emotion. " _Because I need to hear someone punching you for getting your priorities out of line. I_ need _to hear you in pain."_

" _Coping,_ woman, focus. Also, you saw what I was going through. Imagine that over an entire week, non-fucking-stop," I retorted acridly, massaging the bridge of my nose as I tried to consider the impli _oh fuck me_. "Hold on a second!" I damn near shouted in my panic. "Does that mean that the world knows about Brook?"

" _Cross, this is not the—"_

"I AM SERIOUS, TASHIGI!" I roared. Soundbite recoiled in shock, but I plowed. "Tell me: does the world know that Brook's a skeleton or not!?"

" _That he's a_ wha—!? _Gah, how does this even… um, not quite? He was wearing a weird hat that looked like a jellyfish; we were craning our eyes, but the strips hanging down made it impossible to see who he was. The world knows his name, his voice, and that he's a swordsman, but they didn't get a glimpse of anything underneath."_

I sighed in relief. "OK, that's workable… makes things harder, but workable." With the only potential pitfall of our crew being broadcast dealt with, I turned my attention back to the call. "Just let it be known that Brook's connection to us, or at least the fact that he's… 'living-impaired', so to speak, _cannot_ become public knowledge, either now or anytime soon. Moving back to the matter at hand, I assume the Masons are working on this?"

Curiosity and other emotions I couldn't identify warred on Tashigi's face, and eventually she let out a defeated sigh. " _I'll save it for after this mess is done. And yes, but there's not much we_ can _do outside of what we're doing already. The Divine is mobilizing against the threat along with the rest of the Navy, and the Damned are out of contact because like I said, communications are under tight watch. The rest of the Masons will be getting White Snails of their own as soon as we can manage it. Actually, if you could contact Monkey once you get the transceiver back, that would make things easier."_

"Alright, good enough for now," I growled tiredly, rubbing aching temples. "Alright, we'll stay the course, regroup with our crew. Luckily, Nami managed to break out of Shiki's hold; without her, this entire place is at the mercy of the Grand Line's storms, so that'll delay things. Once we're all back together, we'll do our best to kick Shiki's teeth in, and then you guys can pick up the pieces. And probably make sure these animals don't fall into the wrong hands, too."

" _Heh, acting as the Straw Hats' cleanup crew. When have I heard that one before?"_ Tashigi chuckled, donning an actual grin. " _Alright, we'll leave this up to you. And Cross?"_

"Mm?"

"… _I'm happy you haven't lost your head yet."_ KA-LICK.

I cocked my eyebrow at Soundbite as he blinked back to his usual self. "Well… call me crazy, but I think I'm growing on her!"

" _You've always been crazy,"_ Soundbite retorted. " **If you'd prefer, I'LL CALL YOU** _ **mad**_ **or** _ **deranged**_ **or** _**insane**_ **or** _ **unbalanced**_ —"

"Alright, nix on the thesaurus," I waved him off. "And lay off the 'unbalanced', would you? Considering the footing… hits a bit close to home."

"YEAH, FINE," Soundbite nodded in agreement. He then cocked his eyestalks. " _AAAAANYWAYS, I'M STARTING TO GET_ **STARVED. LET'S SEE WHEN DINNER'S…whu-oh."**

I snapped a nervous look down at my suddenly pale snail. "Whu-oh? What's whu-oh?"

" _Well, see… the thing is?_ _ **Those beasties may not be waking up yet—**_ "

"GRRRR-RAAFF!"

" **BUT OTHERS** _ **CAN STILL FIND US!"**_

Another monster stormed into the clearing just as Soundbite snapped back into the dubious safety of his shell, drooling like a waterfall as it looked around at the unconscious beasts, and then us.

"I thought Saint Bernards were supposed to be friendly!" Raphey yelped, darting away from the scorpion she'd been carving up.

"YEAH, AND THEY'RE _ALSO_ SUPPOSED TO BE _**IN THE MOUNTAINS**_ **with a barrel of** _**whiskey**_ AROUND THEIR NECKS, _bothering YODELING_ **AUSTRIANS, SO TODAY'S JUST A DAY OF FIRSTS!"**

"I've got this one!" Nami called, stepping to the edge of the deck, a fresh jacket on her shoulders. "It'll be easier for me to relax when I've blown off some stress," she added, looking in my direction. I opened my mouth to argue, but didn't get any further before help came from another source.

"Not before me," Perona cut in, swooping in front of Nami in a freshly cleaned astral form. "You'll still get your pound of flesh from Shiki, whereas _I_ seem to have been robbed of mine, so I'm taking this consolation prize… even if it is such a cute doggy." That last degenerated into a crooning tone, and a thoughtful expression blooming on her face. "Actually… on second thought…"

Before any of us could question what she was on about, the ghost-princess flew past us all and came to hover in front of the Serial Bernard, smiling beatifically at the slavering, snarling beast. "Hell- _o_ there, cutie!" she cooed in an endearing and cutesy voice. "You look like a _really_ nice boy, and I'd love-love- _love_ to keep you as a pet, but _only_ if you _pwomise_ to calm down, m'kay?"

" _GROWF!"_ The giant dog wasn't exactly 'm'kay' with that, if the way it growled and tried to nom on her astral form was any indication.

Perona's expression fell pointedly blank and she raised a hand. "Alright, let's try this again. Negative Hollow."

One of said Hollows shot from her hand, zooming through the monstrous dog's head and out the back of its neck before returning to Perona. For a moment, it remained frozen mid-snarl, and then it fell to the ground. And at that moment, I found out the hard way that monstrous or not, you can't look in the eyes of a genuinely miserable, crying dog and not have it _hurt_ on some level unless you're completely lacking a heart.

Apparently, that included Perona, because she just said, "Bad dog," and threw a heartless glare at the poor mutt. "Do you understand what happened there? You attacked me, and now you're sad. If you make me unhappy, then I make you sad again. Understand?" She shook her finger in the dog's face. " _Don't_ attack me again."

The Bernard blinked a couple of times, shaking off the momentary existential despair before getting back on its feet. This time it was cautious and wary, but, inevitably, it raised its hackles and started snarling again—

"Negative Hollow."

And then a second dose of existential despair brought it back to whimpering.

"Don't. Attack. Me. Again," Perona reiterated in a truly dark tone, leaning in close to the dog to give it a scathing glare. "Or else you'll get three at once next time, and I promise you that you'll never feel as bad as that will make you. Choose: Be nice, or be miserable."

This time, the poor beast let out a positive-sounding whine through its whimpering, and when it regained its composure, its comportment shifted. The Bernard didn't entirely back down, but it didn't attack or make any overt moves towards Perona, either.

And apparently, that was exactly what the hollow-girl wanted. Immediately upon receiving the reaction, Perona's demeanor lightened and she smiled beatifically. "Good boy. Here you go!"

Another Hollow shot from Perona's hand and, before it could turn tail and run for the hills, _through_ the dog in less than a second. I briefly considered lambasting her for animal abuse, because even on a monster like that there was a limit, but then I actually got a look at the Hollow itself: Rather than smiling and laughing brainlessly it was… _sobbing._

Obviously, that meant something important, but I had no time to connect the dots before something else unprecedented snagged all my attention: the Saint Bernard reacting to the Hollow… with pure and unabated _joy._ All of a sudden the large dog perked up and started barking eagerly, like it was a completely normal—if ridiculously overgrown—canine. It was panting and letting out happy "WOOF!"s and shaking its tail into a blur, and it was even jumping side to side like it couldn't wait to play!

Perona, meanwhile, took the shift in demeanor in stride and whistled sharply, catching the dog's attention. "That's it, that's a good boy! Come here, boy, come here!"

The Bernard immediately leaped to her and started acting friendly in an attempt to show her its affection, nuzzling and licking at Perona's astral form and whining when the efforts proved futile. Perona smiled at the dog, and I noticed her flicking her hand behind her back. In response, the still-weeping Hollow that had been looping around above passed through the Bernard a few more times, and it ratcheted right back up to rapturous.

"Don't worry, boy, doooon't worry," Perona soothed. "I'll be right back, I promise."

And with that, the ghost princess flew back up to the crow's nest to retrieve her body, and a minute later, she strolled up to the once-rabid beast in her physical form without a care in the world. And the dog actually continued to act happy, nuzzling and snuffling at her like she was its lifelong owner, and she in turn she showered it with petting and affection.

"…What… What just happened?" I asked weakly.

"Perona, what did you do!?" If Nami's tone was anything to go by, she was just as gobsmacked as I was.

The hollow-girl cast a smirk over her shoulder at us. "Oh, so Know-It-All Cross doesn't know all after all? Lo, how the tables have—!"

"So help me, woman," I growled, raising my knuckles.

"Alright, alright," Perona said airily. "Well, seeing as I'm _such_ a benevolent princess, I guess I'll tell you: my powers work just the way that the name says." She spun her arm and a few of her more normal-looking ghosts began spinning around her arm. "The ghosts I make are called Hollows because they're empty shells that are made to be filled."

One of her smiling goons popped up and wagged its tongue at me. "Negative Hollows are devoid of positive emotion, and when they pass through someone, they fill that hollow with the positivity of their prey, thus leaving the targets as utterly helpless wrecks." The smiling buffoon was joined by a sobbing counterpoint that rubbed at its eyes as it wept. "Positive Hollows, meanwhile, are the opposite: No negative emotion, so they drain all the sadness and misery someone has and leave them feeling like they're in heaven."

Perona smiled as she scratched the obliviously happy Bernard behind the ears. "And by combining those two elements at the same time, negativity to bad behavior and positivity to good… well, I think you can see what I'm getting at."

"I GET THAT YOU'RE A BLOODY SOCIOPATH!" Lassoo howled from Sunny's deck, his expression one of purest panic. "USING THAT BASTARD PAVLOV'S METHODS ON ONE OF MY OWN KIND?! I SHOULD BURN YOU ALIVE, YOU CRUEL WITCH!"

"Cruel, but effective~!" Perona sang back, still scratching. "And don't worry your pretty little heads, this method only works on ani— on _simple_ animals, the ones that aren't on par with human intelligence. Like this big old dummy right here!" she cooed as she intensified her scratching to the dog's delight. "Yes you are, yes you are, you're a big dummy, yes you are!"

Boss's eye twitched as he watched the titan-dog come apart under Perona's fingers. "Yeeeaaah… those ghosts of yours ain't the only things that are 'hollow', lady."

Something clicked in my mind at those words, and I slowly pointed my finger at her as metaphorical light bulb went off. "Hollow… your Special Hollows hollow out pockets in the air, _voids,_ and then you collapse them… they're not explosives, they're _im-_ plosives, aren't they!"

Perona paused in her scratching. Briefly, of course. "Of course you knew already, it couldn't be more than the basic concept that you didn't know…" she sighed, rolling her eyes.

"No, I'm just that smart!" I informed her in a perfectly chipper tone of _**why the hell was I even born…**_ " _ **Somebody step on me, I need to get back to my place in the pecking order: lower than the dirt on the bottom of everyone's boots…" I mumbled into the earth with my pointless, useless bre**_ _SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY! "GAH WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY!?"_ I yelped, snapping up and onto my ass.

" _PERONA!"_ Nami roared over the sound of the ghost-princess's cackling.

"HORO HORO HORO!" Perona cackled ecstatically at my _existential misery._ "HE WAS _ASKING_ FOR IT, SUE ME! HORO HORO HORO!"

" _YOOOOOU—!"_

Not wanting to get another Negative Hollow to the face, I unfortunately had to settle for strangling the air instead of Perona's neck

"Tell me in complete honesty that you wouldn't do the same thing if our places were switched, and I'll apologize," she challenged with a taunting smirk.

I opened my mouth to rebut her, I tried, oh dear lord did I try to rebut her, but when my voice got tangled up in my throat the third time in a row I gave up. "At least I don't need to torture people into being friends with me…" I attempted.

"Wow, what a comeback," Perona sneered, rolling her eyes. "Cutting, witty, sophisticated."

"GUYS, STOP PICKING ON CROSS! IT'S TIME TO EAT!"

My jaw dropped and I sank to my knees as my captain 'helpfully' came to my rescue. "Saved in a battle of wits by my witless captain… how could I have fallen so low?"

" **Should I start playing** _ **the world's smallest violin?"**_ Soundbite asked snidely.

"I've been away from witty repartee and intelligent conversation for a week, let me have my melodramatics!" I snapped as I clambered back to my feet. "Ugh, anyway…" I sobered up _real_ fast as I collected up all the bits of news I had heard over the past hour. "Guys, we need to talk while we eat. I've got news… and none of it's good."

Everyone else exchanged worried looks at my tone. I twas Nami who responded first with an assured nod. "We'll eat, you can tell us your news while we eat, and then once the duck's back on his feet—!"

"Oh, you mean Billy?" Luffy asked.

Nami looked at him in surprise. "Bil—? Wait, he's awake?"

"Nah!" Luffy grinned. "I just think that's a good name for him!"

The navigator contemplated opened her mouth to respond, but then closed it and shook her head in defeat. "I… it's a decent name, I suppose."

" **FOR SOME REASON IT FITS,** _ **but for the life of**_ _me I can't understand why…_ **I mean, yeah,** _HE HAS A BILL,_ BUT MORE THAN THAT…" Soundbite trailed off, deep in thought.

"Anyway," Nami continued. "Once Billy gets up, we can get his help flying us around looking for our friends."

Everyone exchanged nods. And then we began dining on roughly prepared drugged predator meat for what I sincerely hoped was the last time. At this point, I'd give anything to sink my teeth into Sanji's cooking even one. More. Time…

**-o-**

"NAMI-SWAAAAAN! PERONA-CHERIEEEEE!"

Alright, almost anything. Because seriously, what good was food in my stomach when I felt like tossing it.

To make a long story short, we'd eventually managed to find our way to the village. And Billy wasn't the only duck that arrived there when we did.

It'd been a hell of a reunion, everyone happy to see everyone else, stories were swapped, and even a few ideas and thoughts shared here or there.

But, as always, the good times eventually devolved into quiet sobriety, and it was with a solemn tone that I brought together all the disparate details everyone had gathered over the course of their ordeals, and I put together the pieces of the horrific tableau Shiki had concocted over the past two decades. It took some time to tell everything, to make sure that everyone understood properly, but eventually?

"That's about the long and short of it," I solemnly concluded, taking in everyone's reactions. Over the course of my explanation, some of our crew had relaxed and settled in a bit, such as Usopp tinkering away on a project Funkfreed and I had gone over with him, Chopper working meticulously on some sort of formula he was currently obsessing over, or Sanji exulting his two most recently returned beauties.

But nevertheless, the reactions were still there: disgust, horror, terror, and of course, complete, world-shaking rage.

Luffy slammed his fists together. "I'm going to kick Shiki's head in!" he declared.

"Soon enough, Luffy," Zoro growled, his thumb repetitively stroking the hilt of Kitetsu the Third. "But unless we want a repeat of what happened back on the Sunny—!"

"I told you, he caught me when I wasn't ready _and I was hungry!"_

"—we need to get everyone back together _first,"_ Zoro looked over at Vivi. "How long do you think it'll take for the others to get here?"

"With Franky's… shall we say, _improvised_ methods of transportation?" the blue-haired princess rolled her eyes. "I'd say an hour or two. But if you want me to _get_ there in the shortest amount of time possible?" Vivi jabbed her thumb at Carue, who'd seated himself against a tree and was guzzling a freshly refilled water barrel. "Carue needs time to rest. He's been going nonstop all day, and it won't do us any good if he just up and collapses on me. On the plus side, he'll be good to go in about an hour."

"Mmph, acceptable…" Zoro grunted.

"Although…" Vivi winced as a thought struck her. "In retrospect, it might be a little longer coming here, seeing as we'll have to account for the likelihood that we'll be bringing back someone from Barto's crew too."

I frowned in confusion. "Yeah, that's… something I still don't get. Bartolomeo, he's… he's from _Loguetown,_ the East Blue. Hell, I think most of his goons are too! Why would Shiki invite him, even considering how ruthless he was before I gave him a talking to?"

Slowly, Vivi turned a disbelieving look on me. "…Cross, Bartolomeo has green hair in a mohawk teeth that suggest he has a fishman somewhere in his recent ancestry, and he's the fifth most wanted rookie on the seas. If I didn't know him and you'd asked me where he was from, I would have guessed _any_ Blue except the East."

I turned that over in my head. "That… makes a lot of sense, yes," I admitted. With that settled, I clapped my hands, getting everyone's attention. "ALRIGHT! Any other points to bring up, any questions, anything like that?"

"I have one," Su said, raising a paw. "If this SIQ stuff is supposed to be so volatile for animals, then why hasn't it affected any of us as bad as it affects them? I mean, I'm not _complaining_ that I can bench press your scrawny ass without breaking a sweat, even if that's not saying much—"

"If I were to make you into a scarf and wear you, would I become as clever as you imagine yourself to be?" I asked airily.

"—but I'd still like _some_ sort of explanation, if that's… not too much trouble?" Su shrugged helplessly. "I mean, this _does_ affect a lot of us, after all."

"I can explain that," Chopper piped up, not taking his eyes from the chemistry set he was still tinkering with. "I kept and analyzed the few samples of the prototype BIQ that the Amigos didn't ingest long enough for me to form an antivenom. Not a perfect defense against its cousin, but the innoculations you all got seem to be doing their jobs."

The pause that followed that announcement was _legendary_. I'm pretty sure _empires_ had died in that kind of pause. Some of them had probably committed suicide as a final desperate means of escape. Finally, Zoro voiced the question on _all_ of our minds. "… _What_ innoculations?"

Chopper blinked and looked up from his work, honest confusion written all over his face. "I don't understand the question," he said with the utmost sincerity.

"Never mind, you just answered it…" I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Changing the subject, I have a question too," Merry said, waving her hand frantically. "If we're all here and Robin, Franky, and Brook are at that banquet hall, who's guarding Big Bro?"

"Perona's literal guard dog and the rest of her new pets," Boss gruffly answered around the cigar he was chowing on. "Raphey and I would have stayed behind to do it, but between captain's orders, her promising that they would guard the ship with their lives, and Sunny reassuring us himself that he'd be fine, we're better off here, planning for sending this place back to the blue—MMPH!"

It would have been amusing to see Boss getting dogpiled by his apprentices so they could slap their flippers over his muzzle, but there was nothing funny about the way Conis had started shivering at his words. After a moment, during which several hissed whispers and a slap upside the skullplate were exchanged, Boss shook off his fellow dugongs. "Sorry, Conis," he said.

"I-It's fine, just a bad memory," she said casually, the shudders now down to the occasional twitch. "It's not the same anyway; we're attacking a tyrant and sending this island where it _truly_ belongs."

"Aye have a queshtion, too," Carue squawked from his resting place. "Who's the wowwywowt you fwew in on?" He nodded his head over at Billy, who'd spent our entire time here cowering behind Nami.

"Billy, as Luffy named him, is one of Indigo's new breakthroughs, but he's not hostile like the rest of the creatures on these islands," I provided. "He helped Nami get out of Shiki's base and he seems loyal. And apparently, he makes up for his lack of any physical offensive skills with bioelectric shocks."

" _Macro-_ bioelectric shocks," Perona corrected as she buffed the nails on one hand, the other holding Bearsy tight, having refused to leave the doll behind on the Sunny after being separated from him for so long. "He's got some ridiculously powerful voltage on him, he took down a half-dozen monsters in one full-powered blast without breaking a sweat. Even if they were immersed in water at the time, you can't deny that's impressive."

"Huh… weww, you'we gaht my wespect," the supersonic duck offered his wing to the electric one. "Aye'm Cawue, nice to meet you!"

Billy's response was to let out a panicked squawk and hide even further behind Nami, bumping against her Waver folded across her back, a piece of equipment she'd refused to leave behind when we left the Sunny.

Carue blinked in confusion and glanced at Soundbite. "Ahhh…?"

Soundbite huffed and shook his head. "HE'S CLAMMED UP EVER SINCE _he woke up and we explained MY POWERS TO HIM._ _ **Scared totally quackless. I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN ABLE**_ **TO CHOOSE A GOOD VOICE FOR HIM!"**

"Eesh, poah guy…" Carue winced in sympathy

"Poor guy we can deal with later," I cut in. "Alright, anyone or anything else?"

Silence.

"Right then," I nodded. "Everyone rest up, recover your energy and get ready to rumble. And make sure you stay the hell out of the way of the POV of any mobile snails. Soundbite's warning them to stay out of our way, but that's no guarantee, so be careful. With any luck, we'll be back on the seas tomorrow and Shiki's head'll be on a spit." I swung my arms out. "Dis- _missed!"_

With that, everyone broke ranks, meandering about to get to wherever it was they needed to go.

I myself was on my way to speak with Zoro and Nami, but before I could even take two steps their way, I was grabbed on the shoulder and dragged the other way, courtesy of—

"Vivi!?" I sputtered incredulously, stumbling to keep up with her. "The hell are you—?"

"We need to talk," she interrupted. And going by how little argument her tone brooked… Well, the only sensible thing to do was what I actually did, which was right myself and follow her. "Lead the way."

**-o-**

Upon dismissal, Mikey, Donny, Raphey, Leo, and Boss had headed to the lakeside where prying eyes were less likely to see. The four siblings exchanged glances, the same feelings in all of their hearts but the same pride on all of their faces.

"So… hell of a week we've had, huh?" Leo asked casually.

Donny shrugged indifferently. "It was… meh, informative."

"Meh, it was no biggie!" Mikey scoffed, folding his flippers behind his head. "I could do it all again in my sleep."

"Pfheh, or you could just sleep outright for all I care," Raphey sneered his way. "I've spent a week doing nothing but sitting on my ass, I could use some action! Heck, bring on Shiki right now, I'm sure I could stuff that wheel of his right up his-!"

"Ahem."

All four of the TDWS fell silent and turned to Boss, who had raised raised a flipper. "Boys, it seems I've neglected to teach you a little lesson about reunions." A smirk spread on his face, but an unmistakably warm one. "Real men don't hold back their tears."

There was a second where the TDWS maintained their composure, kept up their stoic and uncaring facades…

And then the four fell into a group hug, sobbing and clasping each other tight.

" _I thought I was gonna die a hundred times ove-e-eeer!"_ Leo cried in despair.

" _I was so scared without you guys at my back!"_ Donny wailed.

" _I missed all of you crazy bastards getting on my back about my jokes and giving me lumps for them!"_ Mikey whined through his snot. " _Even Raphey, and she hits like a sledgehamme-e-er!"_

" _I was so bo-o-ooored!"_ Raphey whined. " _All I could do was sit around and—!_ Wait, _what_ did you say about my flippers!? Come here, you dingus!"

"ARGH! HELP ME! HELP MEEE!"

Boss snickered as he watched his students interact. It was truly a testament to just how much they'd missed one another that all Raphey was doing was grabbing up her brother in a headlock and noogie-ing the shine out of his shell. Normally, Mikey would be sporting several lumps and a veritable map of bruises for that sort of comment, and Donny and Leo would be right there sharing the pain seeing as _they_ would have been what she was clobbering him against. But instead, all of this was undergone with more tears, less venom… and unrelenting smiles.

"Heheh…" Boss chuckled proudly as he blew out a ring of smoke. "Moments like these… guess there really _is_ hope for us smarter entities after all."

**-o-**

While the Straw Hats wandered off to prepare for the upcoming battle, and as the village around them ran through its daily activities, one person was conspicuous in her inactivity. As soon as Cross had told everyone to break, Perona had parked herself against one of the outer huts and began examining her nails. After all, she wasn't a part of the Straw Hats, this wasn't her fight, she could leave anytime she wanted to, and more to the point, she had _no_ interest in trying to tackle Shiki, not after the scene in Nami's old gilded jail cell.

Of course, there was one problem with this: boredom. There was only so much nail-examining Perona could do, because Raphey, not being familiar with nails at all, had left them alone in her graffiti-writing rampage. Aside from needing a trim after a week unattended, they were pretty much exactly as they were _before_ this whole mess. So the ghost-girl looked up again in search of something to do, and found it in the form of a red-haired, frog-faced little girl, just… staring at her, right in the middle of the road without even trying to hide herself.

That immediately pricked a nerve, and Perona graced the girl with an annoyed glare. When that failed to stop the staring, Perona resorted to her fallback method: scathing commentary.

"What do you want, brat? Fair warning, if you just want to gawk at the creepy girl, you have ten seconds to leave before I—!"

"Huh? Of course not!" Xiao said, shaking her head frantically like it was the most ridiculous idea in the world. "I'm not looking at you 'cause you're creepy, I'm looking because you're cute!"

"…huh?" Perona said lamely. If there was anything she'd expected, it sure as heck wasn't _that._ "Uh… what… are you talking about? I mean, don't you keep fainting whenever you see something scary?" 'Scary' being somewhat loosely defined here, after seeing the girl go halfway comatose upon seeing Luffy's group arrive _._ And that only because that meant meeting more than four new people at once.

"Uh… w-well yeah, of course, I just get really scared when I see something that's big and weird and _couldeatmealiveohmygodI'mgonnadiiieeee-!"_ Hyperventilating, the girl swayed on her feet, but managed to catch herself and calm down, and then shoot a sunny smile at Perona. "Ah! Ah, b-b-but you're not scary at all! You're really cute and pretty!"

Perona remained thoroughly poleaxed for a while longer before she finally managed to settle on a reaction, one that had protected her many a time before: disdain. And yet…

"…you don't know what you're talking about, kid," she muttered halfheartedly.

"Nuh-uh, it's true! Your makeup's all funny and nice like a panda—!" Perona's hand twitched, whether to summon a Negative Hollow or smack the insensitive little brat upside her head, not even she knew. "And your hair is really really pretty! It's pink like the sakura trees up in the Spring Zone, and your ponytails look a lot like my big sister's only there're two of them, so they're even better!"

Still, reflexive twitch aside, poor Perona found herself completely at a loss for words. Half of her, one that had allowed her to survive on her own for years, wanted to vehemently deny the compliment, tear down the brat, and move on with her life. But a new, louder half wanted to just take the damn compliments already. And maybe hug the girl and never let go.

"I—ah… t-that…" she stammered, eyes flicking back and forth to find some way out of this. Reflexively, her hand twitched to conjure a Negative Hollow…

"Eeee! Ohmigod what is that, is it a ghost, he's so _cuuuute_ , can I hug him, I wanna hug him!"

Now she had a little girl practically leaping for one of her Negative Hollows. A little girl that she could admit, at least to herself, wasn't nearly annoying enough to deserve a Negative Hollow. So she hastily dissolved the ghost, Xiao passing through where it used to be before sprawling in the dirt.

"Aowww…" Xiao whined, pushing herself on her knees and whimpering as she rubbed the spot on her forehead she'd smacked on the ground.

Seeing this—seeing Xiao's gleeful enthusiasm 180 so quickly—stirred something in Perona. Kneeling down, she conjured up a Mini Hollow in one palm and used the other hand to poke the girl in the shoulder blade. "Hey, kid."

Xiao looked up, saw the hollow, and immediately lit up, eyes wide and shining with happy tears. Perona grinned. "Here, play with this one instead," she said.

For a second, Xiao didn't move. Then she took a deep breath…

"EEEE! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!"

And simultaneously nearly blew out Perona's eardrums and nearly knocked the wind out of her with a head-tackle-hug, before carefully scooping up the Mini Hollow in her hands and running off a ways.

Perona, once she recovered, returned back to leaning against the wall, but this time she had something to watch: a little girl, _playing_ with one of her Hollows. And the smile hadn't left the ghost-girl's lips the entire time.

**-o-**

Brushing aside the curtain used as a door out of the way, I stepped into the house Vivi had ducked into, finding her staring out the window off into nothing. "So, what's up?"

"Something… isn't right here, Cross," she said, turning around to show a deep frown on her face. "I've been trying to figure it out since I found out about this village from Barto, but nothing makes sense."

"We're on a fucked up remix of Moreau's Island a few miles in the sky, nothing makes sense here," I shrugged. I then snapped my hands up in defense as Vivi glared _hellfire_ at me. "Alright, alright, complete and utter seriousness. Can you blame me for wanting to lighten the mood after the week we've had?"

Vivi briefly maintained the glare, but then she sighed, shook her head,and started pacing. "I'm not talking about the typical Grand Line insanity, Cross, I'm talking about Shiki. I've tried putting myself in his shoes: say I've just escaped from Impel Down, I've created an immense biolaboratory in the sky so that I can create an army of living super-weapons and unleash them on the East Blue in the name of my vengeance…"

She stopped and spread her arms, indicating the house around us. "And then I steal all the adults in a nearby village and use them for slave labor? It doesn't make sense."

I blinked in confusion. "Well, why not? He's a raging bastard who sees people as tools, how does this not fit?"

"Well, what _I'm_ wondering is why the village is even here in the first place."

Soundbite cocked an eyestalk. " _ **What do you mean?"**_

The princess waved a hand at one of the landmasses floating by above us. "Shiki's already demonstrated to us that his control over his powers are immense. When he was scooping up islands for his _top secret_ world in the sky, why take an island with a village on it?"

"Beeeecause it had the IQ plants he needed?" I asked more than said, almost positive that wasn't the right answer.

"Then why not _just_ take the IQ plants and call it a day?" Vivi countered. "Why not just crush the village and everyone in it once he had what he needed? He obviously doesn't need their help tending for the IQ, seeing as he's doing it himself."

"Well…" I frowned as an inkling of doubt wormed its way into my head. "As you said, slave labor, right? Again, we know people are just tools to him."

"That's just it, Cross! He sees people as tools, and he _already_ has his own crew gobbling his every word. Why not make _them_ wait on him hand and foot? Why outsource? I doubt he'd go the extra mile for _their_ sakes."

"Maybe…" I glanced aside and scratched my temple thoughtfully, the doubt building in my mind. "Maybe he has them doing dangerous jobs? Ones that could get them killed, and he wants his crew around for the East Blue's destruction?"

"But he could _still_ use his own crew for that," she refuted. "As he's demonstrated, people are expendable to him. All he'd have to do is go down to the Blue Seas, flash his identity, and he'd have people tripping over themselves to join his crew."

"That's…" I hesitated, trying to find a proper answer. Mostly because I did _not_ like where this was going.

"And even beyond that!" Vivi forged on, shifting into a lecturing tone as she went. "When you consider the purpose of this place, when you consider Shiki's ambition, slave labor is an unnecessary luxury. After all, keeping slaves is _expensive;_ even when they're sorely mistreated, you need to provide food, shelter, and even administer medical care if you're intent on maintaining the ones you already have."

I gave the princess a funny look.

She rolled her eyes impatiently. "Paper for my economy teacher on how slavery is a drain on a nation."

"Ah, of course…" I 'ah'd in understanding before frowning in confusion. "But… I do see your point. It's… an anomaly."

"Save that Shiki is intelligent," Vivi rebutted. "He wouldn't _allow_ for an anomaly like this…"

I frowned grimly. "Without some kind of justification, right. Alright, alright…" I started to pace in opposition to the princess. "Alright, let's take it from the top. I'm Shiki, megalomaniac extraordinaire. I've taken a village and am using the adults as slave labor… why exactly?"

"If you just wanted the slaves, it'd be easier to snatch them up from the sea, you know," Vivi pointed out. "Seeing as you've already shown how _easy_ it is to do that."

"But instead I go to the trouble of taking an _entire_ village, both those I want to enslave and those I leave behind… why leave them behind?" I splayed my hands in confusion. "Once I have the slaves, why not kill the rest?"

"Hostages, maybe?" Vivi glanced back and pointed a finger pistol at my head. "Do what I say or I'll kill everyone you love."

I considered that, slowly raising a finger pistol of my own. "Or maybe the reverse: Do what I say or I'll kill mommy and daddy."

Vivi frowned as she lowered her hand. "So the _slaves_ are hostage in order to control the _village?"_

"He _is_ monitoring the village intently," I reasoned. "More so than his own base if what Nami told us is accurate."

Vivi hummed thoughtfully and started pacing again. "So it loops right back around to the start: somehow, the village is _important_ to him. Important enough to keep it around…"

"Important enough to make sure it's kept in the same state, unaltered," I specified as I joined her, gnawing on my thumb's armor. "If he just wanted the people, he could have easily stuck them in a camp or compound he could watch but he _didn't._ He doesn't want anyone leaving, he wants the whole of the village, all of the people, to stay _here."_

"But why keep a community functioning in the midst of the army you're building?" Vivi wondered, shaking her head.

I started to nod in agreement, before pausing as something niggled in my head. "…wait… that's… not right."

Vivi looked at me with confusion etched on her face. "Huh?"

"You said it yourself," I pressed, swiftly building up a head of steam as my mind started to churn. "These things aren't an army, that's the pirates he's recruiting. These things are _weapons,_ _super_ -weapons."

"What difference does it make?"

"Makes a difference to _me,"_ I muttered, tapping my temple. "Something about those words… Super-weapon and… community? No no, something else… society? Populace? Neighbor— _town!_ Yes, that's it! Super-weapons and—!" I choked myself off in horror as realization hit me like a sledgehammer. "Towns… oh… oh, _damn it…_ "

"What, what is it?" Vivi pressed.

"B-Back in my world," I rubbed my neck, sweat streaming down my neck as my mind dredged up the relevant memories. "My people developed super-weapons of our own, weapons of mass destruction, bombs powerful enough to wipe out everything for _miles_ around them."

"Like what Shiki's doing here," the princess nodded slowly in agreement. "But why—?"

"We didn't deploy them straight away, we _tested_ them first, proved their might." I rubbed my hand over my mouth, my horror with the situation rapidly mounting. "And the best way to demonstrate the power of a weapon of that scale, a weapon meant to destroy _everything_ around it…" I slowly turned around, staring in the direction of the village, the very real, very _populated_ village. "Was to construct mock-ups of towns… and blow them away."

Vivi's face turned ashen, her gaze slowly turning back the way we'd came. "A proof of concept…"

"He's going to sic his monsters on this village as an example of what they're capable of," I summarized grimly.

Vivi bolted for the treeline, grabbing me as she passed. "We need to evacuate everyone, _now!"_

" _Little bit late for that…"_

We both froze at Soundbite's grim announcement. "What? Why?!"

" **Because there are people at the Daft Greens** _ **now."**_

Vivi and I started sprinting again before Soundbite finished speaking—

"WAIT! _FALSE ALARM!"_

—and then faceplanted as he said that.

" _ **Sorry, I PANICKED**_ _at actually_ HEARING PEOPLE THERE," Soundbite quickly explained. " **But it sounds like** _SOME OF THE OTHER NATIVES_ **HAVE COME HOME."**

For a moment, we felt good, because we thought we had some time. But then that good feeling was brutally murdered by fridge logic kicking in.

" _Because people fall farther when they're dropped_ FROM AS HIGH AS POSSIBLE," Soundbite whimpered, voicing our thought. " _ **SHIKI wants to give them**_ **A SPARK OF HOPE** _BEFORE HE MURDERS THEM ALL."_

"Alright, we don't have _any_ time to waste," I barked, getting back to my feet. "Call ahead, get everyone working to evacuate the village, _now!"_

I don't think either of us ever ran faster in our entire lives than we did on that dark, darkening day.

**-o-**

A frantic, energy and desperation-filled quarter hour later, Vivi and I met back up in the once-lively village's center, and even though I couldn't see them, I could _hear_ the rest of the crew running through the village's streets, just as frantic as we were.

"Everybody's safe?" Vivi asked, her head on a constant swivel.

"WE STASHED EVERYONE _WE COULD FIND in a bunker they had in case of stampedes!"_ Soundbite informed her, his eyestalks crossed and eyes clenched shut as he concentrated his hearing on the village. " **It's built like a brick SO IT SHOULDN'T BREAK** _ **TO ANYTHING SHORT OF A MORTAR STRIKE, and no animal around here is ridiculous enough for that."**_

I fought my temper down to a growl, rather than the snarl I felt like uttering. "Is Carue rested up enough for the trip to the gathering hall?"

Vivi let loose the whistle so summon him. "In all honesty I'd prefer to give him another hour, if I could work it, but given the circumstances? I think we can make it a half hour coming and going if he really pushes it."

I nodded. " _Good._ Make sure they're prepped for war when they get here. The _second_ we're back together, we bring a _war_ with this golden-plated bastard's doorstep."

Vivi nodded, her face as stormy as the cyclone we'd dodged the accursed day we'd met our 'host'. "I'm looking forward to it. I swear, I am going to bury my Lion Cutters _so deep down his—!"_ And then out of the blue, Vivi's tirade stopped dead and she paled, staring past me… and _up._ And Soundbite had fallen silent as well.

In spite of how hard my heart was jackhammering in my chest, I slowly, deliberately took and released a deep breath, and then I gave Vivi a piercing look. "Get out of here now," I whispered solemnly. "Get everyone else, get back here as fast as you can. We'll be fine." I cut her protest off with a raised hand. "Just get on the duck and _go."_

Vivi's face _twisted,_ agony and outrage playing merry hell on her features, but ultimately she settled for a sharp nod, and when Carue dashed by she grabbed onto his reins and swung up onto his saddle, vanishing in a blur the second she was properly settled.

Once she was gone, I waited patiently for everyone else to come to the square, with Luffy leading the charge, his face utterly apoplectic.

"Cross—!" he growled.

I nodded sadly. "I know, Luffy, I know…" I turned around and stared upwards with subdued resignation.

Stared up at Shiki, who smirked down at us with all the pomp and pride he had to spare.

I also noted that there was a glass case hovering beside him that contained a snail watching us with a lazy sort of attentiveness, but I had a pretty damn good idea what _that_ was about as well.

"HE JUST… HE JUST DROPPED OUT OF A CLOUD… _**from a mile up…"**_ Soundbite whispered miserably. " _I didn't… I-I JUST COULDN'T…"_

"It's fine, it's fine," I soothed. "It wasn't your fault, you couldn't have known." I then looked back up at Shiki, suddenly feeling the full weight of the past week on my shoulders all at once. "Soundbite's been misdirecting the surveillance snails the whole time we were here. How did you know where we were?" I called up.

"Call it… an act of _divine providence,"_ Shiki replied with a voice that was just pure egotistical conceit. Said sneer then dropped into a scowl that had the _balls_ to look insulted. "But, moving on to more pressing matters... Honestly, Straw Hats, you disappoint me! I thought you'd be better guests!"

I twitched as I felt _something_ stir in my gut, and a ripple went through our crew.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Luffy growled out, his voice a downright murderous rumble.

"Isn't it obvious, _Captain_ Luffy!?" Shiki spread his arms, indicating the whole of his dominion. "Think about what has happened! I graciously invite you into my home! I let you partake in vistas you could never have seen before in your miserable lives and entertained you to the best of my ability! I have shown you _every_ possible courtesy that a host is due to afford his honored guests! And how do you repay my most gracious treatment!?"

The air around Shiki seemed to darken as he folded his arms, and stared at us with contempt. "You steal. My. _Property,"_ he rumbled.

My gut lurched, and our crew shifted and stiffened further.

" _What,"_ Luffy spat, his entire body coiled like a spring and his pipe—uncapped and devoid of seastone—groaning in his grip.

Shiki slowly uncrossed one of his arms and pointed at our group. "My navigator."

Nami flinched back in disgust and horror, her Eisen Tempo falling around her and crackling and rumbling like a meteorological shroud.

Shiki's finger shifted to the side. "And my guinea pig."

Billy let out a panicked squawk and retreated back around the building he'd been cowering behind.

"Both my rightful property, both stolen by you," Shiki said pompously, jutting his chin out at us. "And both _very_ valuable. I think I'm due some compensation. So tell me…"

Shiki's face twisted into an arrogant, despicable, disgustingly _mad_ grin.

" _How do you plan on repaying me, hm?"_

My gut _roared,_ and I finally managed to place what I was feeling: Down and out, unadulterated, murderous _rage._

And going by the chorus of weapons unsheathing that sang around me? I was _far_ from the only one.

" _ **BY BREAKING YOU IN HALF!"**_ Luffy roared at the top of his lungs, slamming his fist into the ground and shattering it beneath his feet, but prudently refraining from boosting his blood flow _just_ yet.

And Shiki? He just kept grinning, laughing, and looking down on us in every conceivable way.

"You… _You_ actually think you can hurt _me?_ Ji… JIHAHAHAHAHA!" Shiki threw his head back and _roared_ with laughter, a deep, belly-shaking, utterly _evil_ laugh. "Oh, this oughta be good for a laugh. Go right ahead…" He spread his arms, inviting us, _begging_ us to do it. " _Give me your best shot."_

And that was just what we did.

**Cross-Brain AN: If any of you haven't watched JoJo's Bizarre Adventure? Watch it; Oda has been referencing it all through the Whole Cake Island arc, and all three of the Cross-Brain's Freudian Trio recommend it.**

**Also, you know how we apologized with last chapter's cliffhanger? Weeeell… this time it's just because we enjoy it.**

**Hornet AN: This was my idea, by the way, so… sorry, not sorry.**

**Patient AN: But hey, at least we didn't leave the cliffhanger after the fight scene, right?**


	9. Chapter 9

### Chapter 64: Chapter 57 Preview & Top 5 Contest Announcement

### Chapter Text

_**Attention, loyal fans. We of the Cross-Brain have a most momentous announcement: we have finally reached the top five of all One Piece fics. In celebration of this, we are doing two things. Firstly, we are releasing the preview for the third part of Strong World. Here you are:** _

**Cross-Brain AN: For anyone who was honestly upset about the cliffhanger? Come now, we all knew that that battle would be a curb-stomp, and not in the Straw Hats' favor. This… is just the logical conclusion.**

" _Gum-Gum Homerun!"_

" _Typhoon Lash!"_

" _WATCH YOUR HEAD!"_

" _Jihahaha! Is that the best you—?!"_

"LIGHTNING BOLT TEMPO!"

_**KEE-RACK!**_ "— _GRAH!? Urgh… ack… alright… credit where it was due._ That _stung a bit. And more than that, it pissed me off. So… congratulations, Straw Hats, you've made me decide to do the one thing I haven't had to do in twenty years."_

" _SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU SHITTY GOLDEN BASTARD! SKY WALK! MOUTON—!_ GAH!? WHAT THE— LET ME GO YOU PIECE OF—!?"

_**CRUNCH!** _

" _GAAAAGH!"_

" _I... am going to give you the courtesy... of actually putting some_ effort _into crushing you all down into the size of a pebble. Honestly now, you should all feel honored..."_

_A rumble, a heave, the earth itself crying out in tortured rage and agony._

" _The last time I used this technique, it was to take care of a particularly stubborn member of Linlin's brood. Lion's Threat: Earth Bind."_

" _What the—ohfuckme EVERYONE MOVE, NOW!"_

" _No! Nonono! Guys! GUYS! GET OUT OF THERE!"_

" _DAMN IT, IT'S TOO THICK!"_

" _I CAN'T BREAK OUT!"_

" _OH NOOOO!"_

" _SHIKIIII!_ _ **GET BACK HERE!"**_

" _How about... NOT ON YOUR LIFE, BRAT! NOW DO THE WORLD A FAVOR, AND LET THE EARTH SWALLOW YOU AND YOUR DREAMS WITHOUT EVEN A TRACE! JIHAHAHA! JIIIIHAHAHA!"_

" _No..._ no... _this... t-this can't..."_

" _Face reality, Miss Navigator. It has and it is. Now... I suggest you think_ real _hard about my proposal... and about what you_ really _want right now."'_

" _You..._ you..."

" _Think. Hard."_

" _...whatever I want?"_

" _Apart from that little stunt you pulled back in my palace? Yes."_

" _...alright. You leave the East Blue alone… and let my friends go."_

" _That's two wishes, Miss Navigator."_

" _Yeah, well… I'm a greedy bitch. And if my skills weren't worth that much, I wouldn't still be standing here. So now, you choose. Take it. Or. Leave it."_

"… _You drive a hard bargain. But your skills are not impressive enough to make me abandon twenty years of preparation. I will give you my word that I will not attack your home island, and I will even be generous and extend that promise to the rest of your former crew. But the rest of the East Blue... it burned my dreams twenty years ago, and now it burns in turn. Not even_ you _can stop that."_

_A grind of teeth, pure frustration and rage. "F-Fine._ Fine. _You have a deal. Now let's go, a-and you'll let my crew go, right?"_

" _Heh. Exactly right. Buuuut, I would not have my newest crewmate thinking me without mercy. Or at least, completely without mercy. Here. I trust you know what to do with this?"_

" _I... yeah. Yeah I do. Alright, just-just give me a second."_

_CLI_ —

SLAP! "—AKE UP, CROSS!"

"GAH!"

I sat up in response to that rude awakening, rubbing my stinging cheeks. "Ugh… Vivi, I'm not Usopp, and I'm not dying of hypothermia, what the he _aaaargh_?" my grumpy demand trailed off into a groan as the rest of me started to straight up _throb_.

"Oi, don't remind me of that, especially not now," a nasally voice—Usopp's I think, though the ringing and doppler effect in my ears made that hard to tell—grumbled from nearby.

"Under normal circumstances, I'd be interested in hearing that story, but right now we have bigger questions to handle," came a cooler female voice from beside me.

I blinked and looked towards the voice, the blur that was its source slowly coming into focus. "Robin…?"

"Namely," Robin continued, her slightly fuzzy arm pointing over my shoulder. "Can you tell us what we just pulled you out of?"

Still dizzy as all get-out, I turned my head to follow her finger, and was confronted with the awe-inspiring sight of a _titanic_ spiral-pillar… of…

I clenched my eyes shut and clapped a hand to my throbbing forehead with a groan as it _all_ came rushing back to me at once. " _Ohdamnitalltohell…"_ I whispered beneath my breath.

When I reopened my eyes, I was finally able to take notice of details that had escaped me just moments before.

I became aware of the _annihilated_ and yet-smoldering ruins that were all that were left of the village.

Of just how deep of a crater we were in the bottom of.

Of the rest of my friends being slowly, painstakingly drawn out of the pillar we'd all been _entombed_ in…

And I became painfully, _agonizingly_ aware of who was missing.

The last of the cobwebs faded from my mind and the jumbled pieces of being utterly flattened pieced together in my mind, and I looked at Robin in despair.

"Shiki?" I croaked. "Nami?"

"They were long gone long before we got here," Franky's voice said from a short distance away. "We found out about his plans to level the village a second after Vivi left, and by that point we couldn't catch up in time to tell her. We spent long enough there to put a plan together with Bartolomeo, but the second we saw Shiki about to face you guys, we were gone. We met Vivi halfway, and when we actually got here…"

"What the hell _happened?!"_ Vivi cut in, gripping my shoulder and shaking me firmly. Her face was flashing with a myriad of emotions, but dizzy as I still was, I couldn't even begin to process them. "I-I thought you said, I thought—!"

"We weren't ready."

It said a _damn_ lot that it was _Luffy_ who growled that out in complete and utter seriousness.

"We underestimated him, we were all still tired, and we got our asses kicked because of it," Luffy bluntly summarized.

"It didn't help that he provoked us the way he did," Sanji literally fumed as he burned his way through his second cigarette since we'd woken up. "Objectifying Nami-swan and making himself seem like the _victim…_ I want to explode just thinking about it. _Grrrgh,"_ he massaged his forehead with a growl. "Which, in retrospect is definitely what he was going for."

"An- _zzt-_ d it sure as he- _kchk-_ ll didn't help that he went s- _bzz-_ traight for Soundbite first," Su provided, her voice shaky and staticky on account of the spiderweb cracks that were decorating the checkerboard shell on her back.

I momentarily glanced at my shoulder once I realized that Soundbite wasn't there anymore, but I then relaxed as I realized that if our non-human crewmates were still talking, it meant he wasn't in critical condition.

"I'll patch him up as soon as my body lets me," Chopper sighed from nearby, no doubt having noticed my confirm. "I knew I was pushing myself too hard… and if I try anything else now, I don't know if my body will be able to keep up as long as I need it to."

"If Soundbite isn't in any danger, then that's fine," Luffy said, his hat shadowing his eyes as he surveyed the mountain, the ruins, and the state of his crew. "But Shiki is going to _pay_ for this. Guards."

"Sir!" the five Dugongs saluted immediately.

"Take Merry and go ahead of us to the Sunny. As soon as we're ready to fight, we're going to Coup de Burst straight up to Shiki's palace. Make sure he's ready."

"Aye-a- _zzt!-_ ye!" four of them reported, Boss already moving to grab Merry.

"A-Actually..." The elder Dugong paused when Donny spoke up, his expression clearly hesitant.

"I, uh..." Donny slowly withdrew a seashell from behind his back, a gold and somewhat ornate one. "I-I was look- _krcht!-_ ng around once I got out and found th- _zzt!-_ is. I... think it's a Tone Dial, but... I don't remember us hav- _eeng!-_ ing one like this. Do… do you guys think...?"

The discomfort on his face slowly transmitted to the rest of us, and we all stared at the shell with dread.

"Should… Should we listen to it?" Conis asked uncertainly.

"It _could_ just be another attempt by Shiki to make us go out of our minds again," Vivi reasoned, slipping out one of her Cutters. "Maybe we should...?"

"Here, give it to me," Robin prompted, materializing an arm in front of Donny and gesturing invitingly. "I'll listen to it myself, and if it's not worth our time, I'll crush it immediately."

Donny glanced at Luffy, but once our captain nodded, he handed off the Dial to her and she swiftly conveyed it out of earshot.

Robin closed her eyes in concentration, and a second later, they snapped open as she became deathly pale. "It's not Shiki."

"Are you—?"

" _It's not Shiki,"_ she repeated, pure desperation etched on her face as she caught the Dial she'd tossed back at herself and played it for us all to hear.

" _Please forgive me for not being able to say farewell to you all directly."_

And our hearts all practically _stopped_ as we heard Nami's voice came from the shell, sounding more defeated and downtrodden then I'd _ever_ heard her before.

And that 'stop' turned into outright _freezing_ for me as she continued to speak, her every word just making... _everything_ so very, very much worse.

**~o~**

With a grimace, eyes closed, Nami allowed the Tone Dial to fall from her grasp and settle on the altered earth below.

"Very good," Shiki sneered. "Now, let us be going. The ceremony will begin soon."

Nami _so_ wanted to pin the bastard to the nearest intact wall, be it with her glare or her Eisen Tempo or even a _physical bolt of lightning..._ but at the moment, she just didn't have that option. As such, she settled for dredging up her memories of Arlong and giving the lion-bastard the least-obviously stiff nod she could manage. "Fine, let's go."

And so Nami started to march off in the direction the Shiki indicated—

"Wait."

And then froze as a _very_ familiar voice spoke up, and both she and Shiki both turned their heads to face the source: a grim and gaunt goth, with her head bowed low and her expression shadowed by the... well, _shadow_ of her umbrella.

"Perona?!" Nami gasped even as Shiki tilted his head curiously.

"So, you managed to survive the onslaught, hm?" the Float-human questioned. "What, are you looking for a round two or something? Fair warning," he started orbiting a trio of stones above his palm. "I won't be quite so merciful with you as I was with my navigator's old crew."

Nami was about to either protest the threat or ask Perona what the hell she was thinking... and then, that unasked question was answered in the absolute last possible way she expected.

"Will you allow me to join your crew?"

The navigator's brain stalled as the incongruent words hit her ears. "...what?" she whispered numbly.

Shiki, meanwhile, was nowhere near as phased. "Join me?" He huffed out a cloud of smoke contemplatively. "I will admit that your abilities are intriguing. But honestly now, do you _really_ expect me to believe that you too would so easily betray your crewmates? After you helped your friend… _lose her way_ earlier at that?"

"N-No! _No!"_ Nami hastily protested, shaking her head at her ' _captain'_ in denial before running to Perona's side, reaching out to her in desperation. "Perona, please, you don't have to—!"

_SLAP!_

Nami's words died in her throat, the cold and almost impersonal look that the Goth faced her with stunning her silent even more efficiently than the forceful strike that had knocked her hand away.

"'Have to'?" Perona repeated, her face and tone as expressionless as a statue. "Of course I do. I told you, remember? I am not, have never been, and never will be a part of your crew. The _only_ reason I got on your ship was to find somewhere new I could live in luxury, and what do you know, I found it. Hell, I found my way on to the only hunk of rock that's not going to be _burning_ in a week. Really, the only thing you should be asking is why I _wouldn't_ want to join Shiki's crew, when the Straw Hats mean absolutely nothing to me."

"B-But..." Nami whispered numbly, her mind still playing catch-up. "Y-You're my _friend…"_

" _Horo!"_ the ghost princess barked out a harsh laugh. "'Friend'?! Remind me, have I ever, even _once,_ addressed you as my _friend?_ Hm? Have I?"

The navigator tried to answer… but nothing came out.

"Thought not. And just to clarify things, let me tell you exactly why I hung out with you, even when I didn't think of you as a friend," Perona leaned in close putting her scowl an inch from Nami's face. "You. Were. _Convenient._ A means to an end. And it would have been too much trouble to let you die while I was travelling with that crew. But now, I don't need _them_ anymore, so now I don't need you. So, in short?"

Perona straightened up and adopted a most pleasant and innocent expression. "Thank you _ever_ so much for helping me find a new home where I can live the rest of my days in peace and comfort," And then, just like that, all emotion died from her face in an instant. "Now please, _leave me the hell alone."_

Shiki moved over to look down at Perona, the goth meeting his gaze with neither flinch nor hesitation. He stared for several seconds… and finally, his face split into a grin.

"That was cold, girly," he sneered. "And I love it. Perona, was it? Welcome to my crew. You'll excuse me if I put your wish on hold until later. Now, if that's all, let's be going."

Perona nodded curtly and followed after him, making a point of bumping into Nami in the process. The navigator flinched, clutching at the struck shoulder as she followed with a sad and sour expression.

Shiki glanced at her inquisitively, eyeing the gauze wrapping the joint. "By the way, Miss Navigator, I noticed that you've been wearing that bandage all week. Did you contract that serious of an injury? I can have one of my doctors take a look at it."

Nami flinched again, her nails biting even harder into her shoulder. "No, it's not injured. It's just… not time yet."

Shiki cocked an eyebrow at the answer, but shrugged dismissively. "Whatever you say, Miss Navigator. Aaaanyways, you both go ahead and get started on heading back, yeah? I'll be right behind you."

The women looked at him curiously for a moment, but ultimately shrugged it off and started trudging away in silence.

Once they were past the intact section of the village and out of sight, Shiki's ever-present grin gained a particularly violent sneer. "Should have thought things through a little bit longer, Miss Navigator," he whispered gleefully.

And so, with an almost dismissive flick of his hand, he _smiled_ as he watched a blast of earth erupt from where he'd torn the doors clean off the villagers' bunker.

Shiki chuckled to himself as he took to the air. "After all," he said to himself. "Can't have a proper bloodbath without the _slaughter."_

A minute later, the Golden Lion landed by his new crewmates with a victorious dusting of his palms. "Alright, all good. Let's go!"

And so they went, Shiki hauling up a chunk of earth to transport them to their new home.

And as they rose to the air, Nami cast a final, mournful glance towards the monument her crew had been made into, and could only pray that everyone would understand the message she had left them.

**~o~**

A picture of grinding teeth, bleeding palms, and eyes reflecting every force of nature imaginable defined our crew as we heard the tape out.

Some of us had more volatile reactions than others: Chopper was twitching on his hooves, eyes flickering in and out of cyan madness, Conis had blood dripping from where her nails had pierced her palms, and where Vivi's face was dead to the world, absent of all reaction, I could see _something_ swirling in the back of her mind, but I just didn't have it in me to parse it right now.

Because in the end, no matter how well we hid it or overtly we showed it, one fact was certain: we were _suffering_ as we listened.

" _That's why…"_ Nami's voice choked out. " _That's why I'm begging you to forgive me for—"_

" _ **WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?"**_

Everyone else flinched as Luffy let out a sudden, livid bellow, drowning out whatever the hell else Nami had been about to say.

And I... I didn't begrudge him. Because I... I just... I just couldn't. I-I literally _couldn't._

For a few seconds Luffy just stood there, snorting and growling in articulately as he glared bloody murder at the offending Dial. Until finally, something just _snapped_ behind his eyes and he spun on his heels, marching off as murderous growls clawed their way from his throat.

Franky cast a worried look after Luffy, but ultimately he just shook his head and pointed at Robin. "Hey, play that again."

And _that_ was when _I_ snapped. "Do it without me," I hissed, fighting to keep my tone under control.

Usopp looked at me in surprise. "But, Cross, she was saying something at the end—!"

"I've heard _enough,"_ I bit out sharply, snapping a glare around and daring anyone to dispute me.

If anybody wanted to, I didn't give them a chance. I just snatched Soundbite off of Su's back, slapped him onto my shoulder and stalked off, my teeth grinding like a chainsaw.

I just... it just... I could barely even _think_ I was so... so...

No words. None. _None._

We'd lost. Lost again. Lost so. Fucking. Badly.

And he hadn't even been trying. He ripped us apart.

Humiliated us. _Laughed_ at us, like we were _trash._

And then Nami.

Not only had he taken her...

But her voice was _there._ Summarizing it, _emphasizing it._

Hammering. It. _In._

Hammering in the fact that I had...

That we had...

That we'd...

We—!

" _ **FUCK!"**_

_**SMASH!** _

I huffed and snarled as I came down from the peak of my _unholy rage._ My chest heaved and my throat ached from the roar I'd let loose, but I barely noticed I yanked my foot out from the chunk of wall I'd demolished.

Soundbite eyed me warily, even if he was still a bit dizzy. " **That help?** _ **At all?"**_

I snorted derisively, my fingers twitching and jerking in my gauntlets. "No. And you know damn well the only thing that'll—!"

" _ **GRAGH!"**_

_**S-SMASH!** _

I was cut off by a second roar of fury being let loose... but _two_ smashes rang out at the same time.

One was obvious, with Luffy withdrawing his arm from the rubble he'd just created… but the other was something of a surprise.

I looked at Zoro, standing in front of a _mutilated_ track of land with all three of his swords drawn. His fists strangling Shusui and Kitetsu, his teeth grinding into Wado, his body trembling with energy and emotion just waiting to be unleashed. Our eyes met...

And I realized that no, no this wasn't a surprise at all. Rather, it was the only possible outcome.

And as the energy slowly drained from my body, and _some_ of the edge on my emotions dulled, I knew there was only one way this could be done.

I huffed as I took my hat off and started to wipe at the coldsweat building on my brow with my forearm. "…Captain."

Luffy snapped an immolating glare at me out the corner of his eye. A glare I met without flinching.

"…I'm the tactician," I stated seriously. "My job is to make the plans. And I can do that. I can give you a hundred and one different plans, right here, right now, but only you can tell us what direction we're headed. Only you can tell us our destination. So," I spread my arms out wide, indicating... everything around us. Everything that had happened. "What's the play?"

Luffy continued to stare at me... and without looking away, he slowly raised his hand and pointed at the island looming so high above us. "…I want," he whispered, honest to God murder in his voice. "To make him _pay."_

"Alright, then that's what we'll do..." I nodded slowly, the motion gaining momentum as I jammed my hat back into place, right way forwards, as I met his glare with just as much heat. "We'll make him pay."

Zoro snorted in agreement, finishing tying his bandana on with an almost whip-like _crack!._ "Then let's get it done."

We made to go back to the crew—

_**FWOOM!** _

And we all came to a dead halt as all of a sudden, an utterly anomalous blast of air struck us full force.

We all blinked in surprise at that, but I just as swiftly brushed it off and walked back over to our crew.

Nobody looked at us as we returned, because they were more concerned with staring at the epicenter of the wave of air pressure.

Staring at Princess Nefertari Vivi.

I gave her a once-over: hunched forwards, hand clamped against her mouth, eyes screwed shut… until they suddenly flew open, and I met the pure, merciless steel in her gaze

"…So," I asked as she straightened up and started looking at her hands in a whole new light. "How did it taste?"

Vivi clenched and unclenched her hands for a second, testing everything out as though to guarantee they still functioned properly. Until finally, she snapped them into fists with a determined nod.

" _Delicious,"_ she declared with pride.

_**There you have it. And now, the second part. As of now, we are announcing another contest. An art contest. The requirement: take your favorite scene from This Bites! and draw it out. Because we know that you cannot rush perfection, the deadline for this contest will be the story's third anniversary: September 19, 2018.** _

_**We will name three grand prize winners. The Freudian Trio will select the art they like best, the Neurofeedback will select the art they like best, and you our loyal fans will select their favorite.** _

_**For as momentous an occasion as this, the prizes are great. The three grand prize winners will be granted a one-year-long backstage pass to our story as well as a one-month comprehensive backstage pass. This reward is beyond anything we have given before, even to our patrons: for the duration of that time, you will have unlimited access to our plans for the future as well as the present (with one exception that the Cross-Brain is keeping to ourselves regardless of anything). Choices may not be duplicated.** _

_**Additionally, each member of the Cross-Brain will also select one runner-up who, along with the runner-up among the fans, will receive a one-month backstage pass, six questions about our future plans, and previews for the story until the time skip. Again, choices may not be duplicated.** _

_**Any other pieces of art that do not win either of the above prizes but still impress the Cross-Brain will win three chapter previews and three questions about our future plans. We of the Cross-Brain will notify anyone who publishes such art in a timely manner following their publishing of it.** _

_**Now, the rules are as follows:** _

_***You must submit your entry to our email address, j.cross.brain@gmail.com. Write "Top 5 Art Contest Submission" in the subject line, and include your name/username, which site we post our story on that you follow most, and a description of which moment in the story your art submission portrays.** _   
_****If you submit a second entry, it must have the subject "Top 5 Art Contest Submission 2", and so on with each successive number.** _   
_***You may commission the art from someone else as long as you give full credit to them and, if they desire, share the prize with them.** _   
_***You may not cut and paste images from other pieces of One Piece art. Tracing is acceptable.** _   
_***You may submit as many entries as you wish, but you may not stack a runner-up prize upon a grand prize, nor may you win any of the three prizes more than once. Art commissioned by the same artist that drew another piece of art submitted by another contestant is acceptable.** _   
_***No NSFW entries. We can't stop you from commissioning such artwork, but we will not allow it as a contest entry.** _   
_***Sketches are permitted but discouraged; keep in mind that they will be considered alongside the best a person can make in the next six and a half months.** _


	10. Chapter 10

### Chapter 65: Chapter 57 - Strong World Pt. 3

### Chapter Text

**Cross-Brain AN: For anyone who was honestly upset about the cliffhanger? Come now, we all knew that that battle would be a curb-stomp, and not in the Straw Hats' favor. This… is just the logical conclusion.**

" _Gum-Gum Homerun!"_

" _Typhoon Lash!"_

" _WATCH YOUR HEAD!"_

" _Jihahaha! Is that the best you—?!"_

"LIGHTNING BOLT TEMPO!"

_**KEE-RACK!** _

"— _GRAH!? Urgh… ack… alright… credit where it's due._ That _stung a bit. And more than that, it's pissed me off. So… congratulations, Straw Hats, you've made me decide to do the one thing I haven't had to do in twenty years."_

" _SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU SHITTY GOLDEN BASTARD! SKY WALK! MOUTON—!_ GAH!? WHAT THE— LET ME GO, YOU PIECE OF—!?"

_**CRUNCH!** _

" _GAAAAGH!"_

" _I… am going to give you the courtesy… of actually putting some_ effort _into crushing you all down into the size of a pebble. Honestly, you all should feel honored…"_

_A rumble, a heave, the earth itself crying out in tortured rage and agony._

" _The last time I used this technique, it was to take care of a particularly stubborn member of Linlin's brood. Lion's Threat: Earth Bind."_

" _What the—ohfuckme EVERYONE MOVE, NOW!"_

" _No! Nonono! Guys! GUYS! GET OUT OF THERE!"_

" _DAMN IT, IT'S TOO THICK!"_

" _I CAN'T BREAK OUT!"_

" _OH, NOOOO!"_

" _SHIKIIII! **GET BACK HERE!"**_

" _How about… NOT ON YOUR LIFE, BRAT! NOW DO THE WORLD A FAVOR AND LET THE EARTH SWALLOW YOU AND YOUR DREAMS WITHOUT EVEN A TRACE! JIHAHAHA! JIIIIHAHAHA!"_

" _No…_ no… _this… t-this can't…"_

" _Face reality, Miss Navigator. It has and it is. Now… I suggest you think_ real _hard about my proposal… and about what you_ really _want right now."'_

" _You…_ you…"

" _Think. Hard."_

"… _whatever I want?"_

" _Apart from that little stunt you pulled back in my palace? Yes."_

"… _alright. You leave the East Blue alone… and let my friends go."_

" _That's two wishes, Miss Navigator."_

" _Yeah, well… I'm a greedy bitch. And if my skills weren't worth that much, I wouldn't still be standing here. So now, you choose. Take it. Or. Leave it."_

"… _You drive a hard bargain. But your skills are not impressive enough to make me abandon twenty years of preparation. I will give you my word that I will not attack your home island, and I will even be generous and extend that promise to the rest of your former crew. But the rest of the East Blue… it burned my dreams twenty years ago, and now it burns in turn. Not even_ you _can stop that."_

_Grinding teeth, pure frustration and rage. "F-Fine._ Fine. _You have a deal. Now let's go, a-and you'll let my crew go, right?"_

" _Heh. Exactly right. Buuuut, I would not have my newest crewmate think me without mercy. Or at least, completely without mercy. Here. I trust you know what to do with this?"_

" _I… yeah. Yeah, I do. Alright, just-just give me a second."_

_CLI_ —

SLAP! "—AKE UP, CROSS!"

"GAH!"

I shot upright, rubbing my stinging cheeks. "Ugh… Vivi, I'm not Usopp, and I'm not dying of hypothermia, what the he _aaaargh_?" My grumpy demand trailed off into a pained groan as the rest of me lodged their complaints all at once.

"Oi, don't remind me of that, especially not now," a nasally voice—Usopp's I think, though the ringing and doppler effect in my ears made that hard to tell—grumbled from nearby.

"Under normal circumstances, I'd want to hear that story, but right now we have bigger questions to handle," came a cooler female voice from beside me.

I blinked and looked towards the voice, the blur that was its source slowly coming into focus. "Robin…?"

"The same," Robin answer, her slightly fuzzy arm pointing over my shoulder. "Can you tell us what we just pulled you out of?"

Still dizzy as all get-out, I turned my head to follow her finger, and was confronted with the awe-inspiring sight of a _titanic_ spiral pillar… of…

I clenched my eyes shut and clapped a hand to my throbbing forehead as it _all_ came rushing back to me at once. _"Ohdamnitalltohell…"_ I hissed under my breath.

When I reopened my eyes, I was finally able to see the details that had escaped me just moments before.

I could see the _annihilated_ and still-smoldering ruins that were all that was left of the village.

Of how deep of a crater we were in the bottom of.

Of the rest of my friends being slowly, painstakingly drawn out of the pillar we'd all been _entombed_ in.

And I became painfully, _agonizingly_ aware of who was missing.

The last of the cobwebs faded from my mind, the last pieces of the utter _clownstomping_ we'd been handed slotted into places, and I looked at Robin in despair.

"Shiki?" I croaked. "Nami?"

"They were long gone long before we got here," Franky's voice said from a short distance away. "We found out about his plans to level the village a second after Vivi left, and by then we couldn't catch up in time to tell her. We took the time to put a plan together with Bartolomeo, but the second we saw Shiki about to face you guys, we were gone. We met Vivi halfway, and when we actually got here…"

"What the hell _happened?!"_ Vivi cut in, gripping my shoulder and shaking me. Her expression cycled through emotion after emotion, and dizzy as I still was, I had no chance to process them. "I-I thought you said, I thought—!"

"We weren't ready."

It said a _damn_ lot that it was _Luffy_ who growled out what we were all thinking.

"We underestimated him, we were all still tired, and we got our asses kicked because of it," Luffy bluntly summarized.

"It didn't help that he provoked us the way he did," Sanji literally fumed as he burned his way through his second cigarette since we'd woken up. "Objectifying Nami-swan and making himself out to be the _victim…_ I want to explode just thinking about it. _Grrrgh."_ Growling, he massaged his forehead. "Which, in retrospect, is exactly what he was going for."

"An- _zzt-_ d it sure as he- _kchk-_ ll didn't help that he went s- _bzz-_ traight for Soundbite first," Su provided, her voice shaky and staticky. Soundbite was on her back, spiderweb cracks decorating his shell.

I did a bit of a double take at seeing Soundbite somewhere _other_ than on my shoulder, but the fact that our non-human crew members were talking told me it wasn't serious and kept me calm.

"I'll patch him up as soon as my body lets me," Chopper sighed from nearby, no doubt having noticed all the looking about I'd done. "I knew I was pushing myself too hard… and if I try anything else now, I don't know if my body will be able to keep up as long as I need it to."

"If Soundbite isn't in any danger, then that's fine," Luffy said, his hat shadowing his eyes as he surveyed the mountain, the ruins, and the state of his crew. "But Shiki is going to _pay_ for this. Guards."

"Sir!" the five Dugongs saluted immediately.

"Take Merry and go ahead of us to the Sunny. As soon as we're ready to fight, we're going to Coup de Burst straight up to Shiki's palace. Make sure he's ready."

"Aye-a- _zzt!-_ ye!" four of them barked, Boss already moving to grab Merry. The elder Dugong paused, though, when Donny spoke up, his expression clearly hesitant.

"A-Actually… I, uh…" Donny slowly withdrew a seashell from behind his back, a gold and somewhat ornate one. "I-I was look- _krcht!-_ ng around once I got out and found th- _zzt!-_ is. I… think it's a Tone Dial, but… I don't remember us hav- _eeng!-_ ing one like this. Do… Do you guys think…?"

The discomfort on his face slowly transmitted to the rest of us and we all stared at the shell with something approaching existential dread.

"Should… Should we listen to it?" Conis asked uncertainly.

"It _could_ just be another attempt by Shiki to make us go out of our minds again," Vivi reasoned, slipping out one of her Cutters. "Maybe we should…?"

"Here, give it to me," Robin prompted, materializing an arm in front of Donny and gesturing invitingly. "I'll listen to it myself, and if it's not worth our time, I'll crush it immediately."

Donny glanced at Luffy. Our captain nodded, and the dugong handed off the Dial to her, new arms swiftly carrying it out of earshot.

Robin closed her eyes in concentration, and a second later, they snapped open, framed by a suddenly deathly pale face. "It's not Shiki."

"Are you—?"

" _It's not Shiki,"_ she repeated, purely desperate… I don't even know _what_ emotion that was etched on her face. The Dial soared back out of the bushes, and she caught it and played it in one smooth motion.

" _Please forgive me for not being able to say farewell to you all directly."_

Our hearts all practically _stopped_ at Nami's voice coming from the shell, sounding more defeated and downtrodden then I'd _ever_ heard her before.

And that 'stop' went outright _frozen_ for me as she continued to speak, her every word just making… _everything_ so very, very much worse.

**~o~**

With a grimace, eyes closed, Nami allowed the Tone Dial to fall from her grasp and settle on the altered earth below.

"Very good," Shiki sneered. "Now, let us be going. The ceremony will begin soon."

Nami _so_ wanted to pin the bastard to the nearest intact wall, be it with her glare or her Eisen Tempo or even a _physical bolt of lightning,_ but at the moment, that wasn't an option. As such, she settled for dredging up her memories of Arlong and giving the lion-bastard the least-obviously stiff nod she could manage. "Fine, let's go."

And so Nami started to march off in the direction the Shiki indicated—

"Wait."

And then froze as a _very_ familiar voice spoke up, and both she and Shiki both turned their heads to face the source: a grim and gaunt goth, with her head bowed low and her expression shadowed by the… well, _shadow_ of her umbrella.

"Perona?!" Nami gasped even as Shiki tilted his head curiously.

"So, you managed to survive the onslaught, hm?" the Float-human questioned. "What, are you looking for a round two or something? Fair warning." Three stones lifted off the ground to orbit above his palm. "I won't be quite so merciful with you as I was with my navigator's old crew."

Nami was about to either protest the threat or ask Perona what the hell she was thinking, but before she could do either…

"Will you allow me to join your crew?"

The navigator's brain stalled as the incongruent words hit her ears. "…what?" she whispered numbly.

Shiki, meanwhile, took the question much better. "Join me?" He leaned back in thought, a cloud of smoke spilling out his mouth. "Hmm… well, your abilities are genuinely intriguing. But do you _really_ expect me to believe that you too would so easily betray your crewmates? After you helped your friend… _lose her way_ earlier at that?"

"N-No! _No!"_ Nami hastily protested, shaking her head at her _'captain'_ before running to Perona's side, reaching out to her in desperation. "Perona, please, you don't have to—!"

_SLAP!_

Nami's words died in her throat, the cold and almost impersonal look that the Goth had showed her doing an even better job than the forceful strike that had knocked her hand away.

"'Have to'?" Perona repeated, her face and tone as expressionless as a statue. "Of course I do. I told you, remember? I am not, have never been, and never will be a part of your crew. The _only_ reason I got on your ship was to find somewhere new I could live in luxury, and what do you know, I found it. Hell, I found my way on to the only hunk of rock that's not going to be _burning_ in a week. Really, the only thing you should be asking is why I _wouldn't_ want to join Shiki's crew, when the Straw Hats mean absolutely nothing to me."

"B-But…" Nami whispered numbly, her mind still playing catch-up. "Y-You're my _friend…"_

" _Horo!"_ the ghost princess barked out a harsh laugh. "'Friend'?! Remind me, have I ever, even _once,_ addressed you as my _friend?_ Hm? Have I?"

The navigator tried to answer… but nothing came out.

"Thought not. And just to clarify things, let me tell you exactly why I hung out with you, even when I didn't think of you as a friend." Perona leaned in close, putting her scowl an inch from Nami's face. "You. Were. _Convenient._ A means to an end. And it would have been too much trouble to let you die while I was travelling with that crew. But now, I don't need _them_ anymore, so now I don't need you. So, in short?"

Perona straightened up and adopted a most pleasant and innocent expression. "Thank you _ever_ so much for helping me find a new home where I can live the rest of my days in peace and comfort." And then, just like that, all emotion fled. "Now please, _leave me the hell alone."_

Through it all, Shiki didn't move, not even when Perona looked him dead in the eye. He stared for several seconds, neither wavering, until finally, his face split into a grin.

"That was cold, girly," he remarked. "And I love it. Perona, was it? Welcome to my crew. You'll excuse me if I put your wish on hold until later. Now, if that's all, let's be going."

Perona nodded curtly and followed after him, making a point of bumping into Nami in the process. The navigator flinched and clutched at the struck shoulder as if it'd been hit much harder as she followed with a sad, sour expression on her face.

The action drew an inquisitive glance from Shiki, one that fell on the gauze wrapping the joint. "By the way, Miss Navigator, I noticed that you've been wearing that bandage all week. Did you contract that serious of an injury? I can have one of my doctors take a look at it."

Nami flinched again, her nails biting even harder into her shoulder. "No, it's not injured. It's just… not time yet."

Shiki cocked an eyebrow at the answer, but shrugged dismissively. "Whatever you say, Miss Navigator. Aaaanyways, you both go ahead, yeah? I'll be right behind you."

From their expressions, both women wanted to know _why_ Shiki wanted to stay behind. But neither wanted to test their new captain's patience, and so trudged away.

Once they were past the intact section of the village and out of sight, Shiki's ever-present grin gained a particularly violent edge. "Should have thought things through a little bit longer, Miss Navigator," he whispered gleefully.

And so, with an almost dismissive flick of his hand, a veritable _blast_ of earth erupted in front of the door to the bunker, which he'd torn open earlier.

Chuckling to himself, Shiki took to the air. "After all," he said. "Can't have a proper bloodbath without the _slaughter."_

A minute later, the Golden Lion landed next to his new crewmates. "Alright, all good. Let's go!"

So they went, Shiki hauling up a chunk of earth to transport them to their new home.

And as they rose to the air, Nami cast a final, mournful glance towards the monument her crew had been made into, and could only pray that everyone would understand the message she had left them.

**~o~**

A picture of grinding teeth, bleeding palms, and eyes reflecting every force of nature imaginable defined our crew as we listened to the tape.

Some of our reactions were more volatile than others: Chopper was twitching on his hooves, eyes flickering in and out of cyan madness; Conis had blood dripping from between her clenched fingers; and where Vivi's face was dead to the world, absent of all reaction, I could sense _something_ swirling in the back of her mind, roiling off of her.

What that was, I didn't know. My mind was… busy.

" _That's why…"_ Nami's voice choked out. _"That's why I'm begging you to forgive me for—"_

" _ **WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?"**_

Everyone else flinched at the sudden, livid bellow Luffy let out, drowning out whatever the hell else Nami had been about to say.

And I… I didn't begrudge him. Because I… I just… I just couldn't. I-I literally _couldn't._

For a few seconds Luffy just stood there, snorting and growling as he glared bloody murder at the offending Dial. Until finally, something just _snapped_ behind his eyes and he spun on his heels, marching off.

Franky cast a worried look after Luffy, but then he shook his head and pointed at Robin. "Hey, play that again."

And _that_ was when _I_ snapped. "Do it without me," I hissed, fighting to keep my tone under control.

Usopp looked at me in surprise. "But, Cross, she was saying something at the end—!"

"I've heard _enough,"_ I bit out, daring anyone to dispute me.

If anybody wanted to, I didn't give them a chance. I just snatched Soundbite off of Su's back, slapped him onto my shoulder and stalked off, my teeth grinding like a chainsaw.

I just… it just… I could barely even _think_ I was so… so…

No words. None. _None._

We'd lost. Lost again. Lost so. Fucking. Badly.

And he hadn't even been trying. He ripped us apart.

Humiliated us. _Laughed_ at us, like we were _trash._

And then Nami.

Not only had he taken her…

But her voice was _there._ Summarizing it, _emphasizing it._

Hammering. It. _In._

Hammering in the fact that I had…

That we had…

That we'd…

We—!

" _ **FUCK!"**_

_**SMASH!** _

I huffed and snarled as I came down from the peak of my _unholy rage._ My chest heaved and my throat ached from the roar I'd let loose, but I barely noticed as I yanked my foot out from the chunk of wall I'd demolished.

Soundbite eyed me warily, if still a bit dizzily. **"That help?** _ **At all?"**_

I snorted derisively, my fingers twitching and jerking in my gauntlets. "No. And you know damn well the only thing that'll—!"

" _ **GRAGH!"**_

_**S-SMASH!** _

I was cut off by a second roar of fury, one that was accompanied by _two_ simultaneous crashes.

One source was obvious, Luffy withdrawing his arm from the rubble he'd just created, but the other was something of a surprise.

I looked at Zoro, standing in front of a _mutilated_ track of land with all three of his swords drawn. His fists were strangling Shusui and Kitetsu, his teeth grinding into Wado, his body trembling with energy and emotions just waiting to be unleashed. Our eyes met…

And I realized that no, this wasn't a surprise. Rather, it was the only possible outcome.

And as the energy slowly drained from my body, and _some_ of the edge on my emotions dulled, I knew there was only one way this could be done.

I huffed, taking my hat off to wipe the sweat from my brow. "…Captain."

Luffy snapped an immolating glare at me out the corner of his eye. A glare I met without flinching.

"…I'm the tactician," I stated. "My job is to make the plans. And I can do that. I can give you a hundred and one different plans, right here, right now, but only you can tell us what direction we're headed. Only you can tell us our destination. So," I spread my arms out wide, indicating… everything around us. Everything that had happened. "What's the play?"

Luffy continued to stare at me, and without looking away, he slowly raised his hand and pointed at the island looming so high above us. "…I want," he whispered, honest to God murder in his voice. "To make him _pay."_

"Alright, then that's what we'll do…" I nodded slowly, the motion gaining momentum as I jammed my hat back into place, right way forward. "We'll make him pay."

Zoro snorted in agreement, finishing the knot of his bandana with an almost whip-like _crack!._ "Then let's get it done."

We made to go back to the crew—

_**FWOOM!** _

And we all came to a dead halt at the sudden, and utterly incongruous, blast of air that hit us. A surprise, yes, but when nothing else happened we all brushed it off and continued on our way.

Nobody looked at us as we returned, because they were more concerned with the epicenter of the wave of air pressure.

With Princess Nefertari Vivi.

I gave her a once-over: hunched forward, hand clamped against her mouth, eyes screwed shut. Then suddenly they flew open, and I met the merciless steel in her gaze.

"…So," I asked as she straightened up and examined her hands in a whole new light. "How did it taste?"

Vivi clenched and unclenched her hands, as if to see if they still functioned properly. Satisfied, she snapped them into fists, giving me a determined nod.

" _Delicious,"_ she proudly declared.

Luffy's only response to that was a grave nod, following which he slowly panned his gaze over his crew, meeting their eyes one by one. He found exactly what he wanted and expected to see, and turned to face the continent that reigned over them all.

"No speeches," he stated in a matter-of-fact tone. "No waiting. No mercy. Let's go."

" **Right,"** was our unanimous reply.

And that was all there was to be said on the matter.

**-o-**

Shiki the Golden Lion was on cloud nine in all but puffy white water. He had utterly devastated the crew of rookies that somehow thought that they stood a chance against him, conveniently ignoring the injuries that were loudly voicing their displeasure at existence. He had his armies together, his macabre masterpiece was complete, and in only a matter of hours, his revenge, twenty years in the works, would begin. No force in Paradise could stop him now.

His eyes scanned over the crews as they shuffled in and kneeled, grinning as he took in each of the faces. All of them were veteran Paradise pirates save for one rookie crew. That they were formidable fighters was a given, but even a New World veteran like him couldn't help but be impressed at the act of getting away with attacking a Celestial Dragon. Nobody had ever done that publicly before, and when he thought back to his equally unprecedented feat of escaping from Impel Down… well, an exception had to be made.

As the crews continued to file in, he gave a cursory scan of his monitors. His newest recruit, Perona, was lying in a four-poster bed that matched the decorations of her luxurious pink and black room, her face pulled wide in a grin as she rolled around, trying to get comfortable. The village was completely in ruins; only the visual snail watching had survived the carnage. The beasts were as savage as ever, and the ceremonial hall was filling up. Perfect.

Shiki observed as the last of the crews, the Barto Club Pirates, passed him with respectful nods that the captain somehow managed to make look crass. But he brushed it off; for allies as valuable as him, he was willing to overlook some eccentricities.

More importantly, now… now was the start of the age of his glorious—!

Shiki's grin dropped into an irritated glower as something caught his eye on another of the monitors: an incongruous lump of red on one of the Daft Green trees. The pieces put themselves together in his mind as fast as blinking.

" _Damn it all,"_ he growled to himself, striding down from his throne in an irritated huff, the underlings in the immediate area quailing away.

_SQUEEK, SQUONK SQUEEK SQU-_ WONK!

Even the heavily bandaged Doctor Indigo stopped short, after running all the way to see him. The imposing clown shifted uncomfortably on his rubbery shoes, his eyes darting back and forth in the gap in the gauze that was all but his second face. Finally, he lifted his finger up, took a deep breath—

"Don't bother, I'm already aware," Shiki said before Indigo could get the words out, gliding past him.

The chemist blinked, eyes tracking his commander as he stalked off. Once Shiki was out of sight, and with no retaliation coming, the doctor mentally shrugged and squeaked off to finish his preparations for the main event.

Unseen to anyone, on her screen, Perona's rolling had escalated into tossing and turning, and then into an outright fit. The ghost-ruler was shaking her head and rapping her knuckles against her skull, eyes scrunched shut and teeth grinding, rocking back and forth on crossed legs. She even appeared to be speaking, snarling at first, then screaming, but the lack of audio made it impossible to tell what. Comfort, at this point, was out of the question.

Finally, Perona's body snapped ramrod straight, muscles trembling as she loosed what could only be a blood-curdling shriek. White swirled into the video, and a second later, it snapped to static.

**-o-**

While Nami wasn't sure she'd ever truly forgive Kalifa for what she'd done to her crew, she had to admit that she owed the assassin at least one. If it weren't for the soap-based change in demeanor the assassin had inadvertently inflicted, it would be close to impossible for her to use her iron clouds to strap bundles of dynamite to the odious Daft Green trees surrounding the palace without slowing her Waver. Such was her pace that she had less than a minute's work left before she'd be able to take out Shiki's sole defense against his own creations with just one zap of lightning.

The only impediment to her work was the rancid smell of the trees. She had brought along a makeshift gas mask in the form of a wet cloth tied around the bottom of her face, but it had long since proven utterly inadequate for the task. But she'd be done soon, and then—

_CRASH!_

"Aaaaghh…"

A tortured groan crawled out of Nami's throat, her mind struggling to process what the _hell_ had just happened to her. One second she'd been speeding along on her Waver, preparing the last touches to bring Shiki's world crashing down around his head, and the next—now—she was lying face-down in the snow, her entire body screaming in pain. Obviously, something had happened in between, but damn if she knew what.

Moving slowly in an attempt to avoid aggravating her injuries any further, Nami pushed herself to her hands and knees and tried to find her Waver so that she could get back to work—!

"…ah," Nami squeaked out, her brain stalling at the utterly impossible sight before her eyes.

Her Waver, Nami's Waver, her means of transportation, of tearing free across the waves without pause or hesitation, had just been _destroyed._

Well, that was probably something of an exaggeration; the body was _mostly_ intact, but the whole front wheel and the steering mechanism were straight-up _gone_. Ripped out of their frame, and a good chunk of the prow of her Waver with it. It wasn't irreparable damage, but that didn't help her when she needed it right this minute.

"Wh-What the hell…?" Nami breathed, weakly reaching out to her devastated possession. "How did this—?"

"You have been insulting me without pause for seven days now, Miss Navigator."

Nami's blood, and all the rest of her, froze. It was with an almost corpse-like stiffness that she craned her head upward and stared evil in the eye.

"And the most infuriating part is these little stunts," Shiki continued, his deceptively calm tone betrayed a twitching, too-tight smile. "This is pushing my tolerance to the breaking point. I am a very patient man, Miss Navigator. And trust me…"

Trailing off, Shiki raised his hand and snapped his fingers.

_SMASH!_

A jaw rose from the earth and crunched down on the Waver's hull. Nami's heart twisted as the fangs did their work, grinding the craft into an unrecognizable mass of splinters. At least the glimpses she kept seeing of the bulb holding the Jet Dial gave her hope that her precious possession was salvageable.

But with Shiki still looming over her and a few twitches away from snapping and gutting Nami like a trout, that hope was small and not terribly comforting.

" _Trust_ me, Miss Navigator," Shiki grimly repeated. "You do not want to see a very patient man _lose_ that patience _._ So." The lion-man cracked his knuckles, one by one, his glare never leaving the younger woman. "Why don't you go ahead and tell me… just what the _hell_ you think you were doing. And then, maybe, I won't break your legs, hm?"

Nami remained on her knees a little longer, letting the promise of pain and most likely death Shiki had delivered sink in. She considered what would happen to her if she did what she really, really wanted to do.

And then, she got to her feet, Clima-Tact still in hand and forming a crackling boa around her neck, and did exactly what she really, really wanted to do.

"What I was doing," Nami croaked, eyes drawn in grim determination. "And what I'm _still_ planning on doing… is sending your twisted dreams crashing and burning to the bottom of the sea, where they belong, and then I'm going back to my _crew."_ The final word was emphasized by a stray bolt of lightning from her Eisen Tempo charring a chunk out of a nearby Daft Green.

Shiki huffed irritably at the decidedly _un-_ satisfactory answer and raised his hand. But before he could gesture and mutilate his 'wayward' crewmate, he noticed something. Due to the intensification of Nami's lightning, she was better illuminated in the evening gloom, and Shiki's eyes were able to discern something new about her: her shoulder was no longer bandaged. And even with anger clouding his vision, Shiki found himself curious about the newly exposed flesh. Or rather, what that flesh bore.

Shiki vaguely knew of the tattoo on her shoulder. It was prominently displayed on her wanted poster, and he thought he may have caught her mentioning the motivation behind it on the SBS once or twice. But now, the once-simple pinwheel-and-tangerine combination had been dramatically changed. While the original tattoo was still in place, the ink that formed one of the larger arms of the pinwheel now coursed down her arm, covering a mess of deep, deep scars that he only saw so quickly thanks to his experience on the seas.

And the picture that the ink formed was one of a writhing, swirling storm. Tongues of lightning, wind, and clouds swirled among a multitude of dark-blue to grey-black spiral maelstroms, tinged and outlined in electric-yellow, coursing all the way down to her elbow.

The Golden Lion slowly turned his gaze back to her eyes. Eyes filled with something he _dreaded_ recognizing. "You seem to have fully embraced your epithet, Weather Witch," he observed.

A flicker of eyes followed his stare, and then it was back to glaring at him. "My new tattoo, you mean?"

"Yesss," he drew out. "I can understand covering up such nasty scarring as that with something more… personal, I suppose… but I can't help but feel this goes beyond that. Or am I wrong?"

Nami's head bowed slightly, her bangs casting a shadow over her eyes. "…My mother. She… She was a Marine. Wonderful, kind, loving… and the strongest, bravest woman I've ever known. And I owe everything of who I am… to _her._ But recently… I decided… I'm going to take a little bit more… like the greedy pirate I am."

Nami's eyes snapped up, and Shiki could no longer downplay or deny the unmitigated fury crackling in her gaze. "I'm not just satisfied with her will to live anymore…" she breathed. "I'm taking up her will to _fight._ This tattoo represents my decision: From here on out, I am going to live the way she lived… and die the way she died. Never back down, and never surrender…"

The Weather Witch lashed her Clima-Tact out, and a barrage of lightning charred a line of blackened earth between herself and the Golden Lion.

"Not when everything you hold dear is on the line," she whispered, as much to herself as her enemy. "And especially not to someone like _**you."**_

For a solid minute, Shiki blankly stared at Nami before his face hardened into a mask of fury, his teeth bared in a snarl. "I _severely_ underestimated you," he growled. "I crush the rest of your crew, I hold the lives of everyone dear to you in my hands, I overpower you in every conceivable way. And yet. You still fight. You never _stopped_ fighting. It's clear that I've wasted my time trying to sway one with such a will. One such as you will never break, will never bow. Admirable, in a way. Truly strong female pirates are a rare thing nowadays. But still, a pity… If only you were the slightest bit weaker."

The Golden Lion's arm snapped skyward, and Nami could only watch in horror as a small _mountain_ of dirt and rock ripped itself from the firmament and gathered into a hovering ball, grinding against itself until it was shaped into a single massive cone of stone, the point aimed _directly_ at Nami.

"If only you'd broken like a good little girl," he rumbled, regret mixing with fury. "You might have lived a little longer."

Faced with her own impending doom, Nami's breath hitched, and for the briefest of moments, her mind reverted to her old mindset: a voice in the back of her skull screaming bloody murder at her to run, keep running and never stop, never look back, preserve her life.

And the moment Nami located where that voice was, she wrung its neck without a second thought.

The Weather Witch bared her teeth and spread her stance, spinning her Clima-Tact into a blur at her side. Her Eisen Tempo, all of it, began to glow.

"Never. Again," she swore, as much to herself as Shiki. "Now _fry,_ you son of a—WHU-OAH!"

A sudden rush of… of _something_ barreled through Nami's torso, comparable to what she assumed Luffy felt when someone punched him in the gut. Something you felt, but that didn't hurt. The force broke Nami's stance and concentration, loosening her grip on the Clima-Tact. It was a lapse of mere seconds.

" _ **You're mine."**_

But _un_ fortunately, as the pirate looming over her showed, those few seconds were the difference between life and death.

" _ **Imperial Lion Talon,"**_ Shiki declared, and a sound of rushing earth reached her ears. She brought up her arms and staff to guard, praying she'd survive to counterattack, but though she heard a massive impact, she felt no pain.

" _Hooooorooooo… miiiissed meeee…"_

Oh, and _her own voice_ was drifting through the air, something that made her blink in shock. And that was before she saw what looked for all the world like a floating bedsheet with concentric gray circles for eyes hovering right where Shiki's attack had ripped into the earth.

" _Toooo sloooow, toooo sloooow,"_ the bedsheet-thing taunted before drifting away.

"What the— _YOU LITTLE BITCH!"_ Shiki roared, shooting into the air with an orbital belt of stone spikes. _"YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST RUN AWAY FROM_ ME!? _YOU GO WHERE I SAY YOU GO! GET BACK HERE!"_

And before Nami could fully shake off her shock, Shiki the Golden Lion was out of sight, gallivanting off after the entity that despite looking nothing like her—!

The pieces clicked together, and Nami sucked in a ragged gasp. _'Stole the attention on me, looked like a ghost—!'_

"Perona?"

An all-too-physical force slammed into her from behind, knocking her down to the ground hard enough to stun.

In those moments of stunned confusion, Nami found herself manhandled onto her back, staring up at a visage she barely recognized. Long, unstyled pink hair hung all around a face caked with running makeup, a ragged cloak draped around her as a makeshift defense against the Daft Green. Her eyes were wide, vessels peeking in at the corners, and her lips were spread to show teeth audibly grinding together. Perhaps most worryingly, the cloak and the flesh alike were rippling with half-formed Hollow bodies, roiling and twisting over each other.

"P-Perona?" the navigator repeated, confusion warring with concern.

" _Why?"_ the Hollow-girl gasped in a—ironically—hollow tone .

When after a few seconds the non-sequitur failed to get a follow-up, Nami swallowed uncomfortably. "Wh-What are you—?"

Suddenly and without warning, something _snapped_ behind Perona's eyes, and Nami came to the sobering conclusion that she may have fucked up.

"WHY!?" Perona outright shrieked at banshee-levels of volume, raising her fist and trying to slam it down on Nami's head. Of course, coming from an unathletic teenager half Nami's size, it was comically easy to block, but the next blows compensated by volume. "WHY, WHY, WHY!?" she screeched, over and over again, each word punctuated by another attack.

"Wha— _Perona!"_ Nami yelped, squirming uncomfortably under the feeble punches. "What the hell are you—!?"

" _WHY!?"_ Another ear-rending wail, only this time Perona raised her arms into the air, a roiling, _screaming_ ball of malformed ectoplasm materializing between her clawed fingers.

The Straw Hat's eyes shot wide open in panic, and it was only years of cat-thievery that granted Nami the dexterity she needed to squirm out from under her aggressor and slip away. And none too soon, as the Hollow- _whatever_ literally splashed against where she'd been barely a second later.

" _What the hell, Perona!?"_ Nami demanded, opening her mouth to lambast the ghost girl for the blatant attempt on her life. The tirade promptly died in her throat when Perona conjured _three more_ of the Hollow-things.

" _WHYYYY!?"_

Nami dove for the nearest Daft Green, biting back a curse. The ecto-manace's grasping, wailing embrace fell on bare ground, while meanwhile the sheer stench of the tree, combined with her terror and confusion, shaved away the last of Nami's patience.

"Why _what!?"_ she demanded, her voice dripping with frustration.

" _WHY DOES IT HURT SO BAD?"_ Perona shrieked back, and with that admission everything seemed to freeze.

Slowly, fearful of another attack, Nami stepped out from behind her cover and beheld Perona standing still, eyes wide and staring at nothing and a hand clutching her collar in a white-knuckled grip.

"Why does it hurt?" Perona repeated, her voice raspy from her earlier shrieking. It was unclear if she was talking to or talking at Nami. "Why do I feel so bad? Why does it feel like I just got stabbed, like I want to throw up, like I want to scream and scream and scream and never _stop?"_

"Perona…"

Nami took a hesitant step towards the Hollow-girl, but Perona snapped her gaze up, locking the navigator in place. Only this time, it wasn't fear of the rage in her eyes.

This time, it was because she recognized the _abject terror_ tearing at the Ghost Princess's soul.

"Oh, _Perona…"_ Nami breathed, sympathy flooding her voice.

"Why, why… _WHY!?"_ And then, out of nowhere, Perona let out an agonized shriek and collapsed to her knees, clutching her head. "WHY DID IT HURT WHEN I TOLD YOU TO GO AWAY?! WHY DOES IT HURT WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT HOW YOU _LOOKED_ AT ME?! WHY DID IT HURT WHEN I REALIZED THAT SHIKI ONLY FOUND US BECAUSE ONE OF HIS SNAILS SAW _MY_ HOLLOW PLAYING WITH XIAO!"

More Hollows bubbled out from Perona's body—and yes, 'bubbled' was indeed the right word. Some were happy and giggling, others sad, or angry, or wearing expressions that couldn't even be identified. And Nami knew how to read expressions.

"WHY DID I GO OUT OF MY WAY TO TELL THE VILLAGERS TO GET OUT OF THE BUNKER BEFORE SHIKI COULD KILL THEM ALL!?" the girl sobbed, terror wracking her slim frame. "WHY DID I LEAVE THE LAP OF LUXURY AND SECURITY, LEAVE EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED, TO STEAL SHIKI'S ATTENTION AWAY FROM YOU?!"

The Hollows bubbling from Perona suddenly swelled and Nami had a mere second in which to yelped and dive back behind the Daft Greens before the Hollows _exploded_ off of Perona. By some miracle, none of them passed through Nami's hiding spot.

"WHY DID IT HURT WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT HOW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE?" Perona wailed. "WHY DID I RISK MY LIFE TO COME OUT HERE AND SAVE YOU?"

Risking a peek around the vines, Nami gaped. The Hollows were now flowing out of Perona in outright _streams_ , forming currents of ghosts that giggled and sobbed and made all sorts of other noises as they circled around her.

"WHY DO I CARE ABOUT YOU GETTING KILLED?"

It was like a bomb went off in Nami's mind. She wasn't getting Hollowed because _Perona wasn't letting that happen._ Even in the throes of a panic-fueled meltdown, she didn't want to hurt Nami.

Then, all of a sudden, the Hollows dispersed, Perona going from shouting down to a broken croak, her head cradled in her hands.

"Why… Why does it hurt… like when they took away Bearsy… and he stopped playing with me…?" she wept weakly. "Why do I care… about something that… that isn't _me?"_

This was the opportunity she'd been waiting for. Nami exited her shelter and walked up to Perona, her mind's eye reflecting a dusty road on her home island and a phantom pain in the long-healed scar on her shoulder. She didn't have her captain's hat, but she knew what to do.

"Because."

Nami sank to her knees in front of Perona and gently drew the girl into a hug, pressing the Hollow-teen's face into her shoulder.

"We're friends."

And with that, the last vestiges of Perona's composure imploded, and she wept into Nami's shoulder with abandon, clinging to her like she was her last lifeline left in the world. A comparison that was a bit too close to reality for comfort, but there it was.

After several minutes, Perona's coughing sobs subsided into wet sniffling.

"I know exactly how you feel, Perona," Nami whispered comfortingly. "I know what you're going through. I know how scary it is. And I promise, I'll help you understand it all. But… we'll do it later. For right now…" The navigator leaned back and gave Perona a conspiratorial smirk. "Think you're feeling good enough to help me blast these Daft Greens to kingdom come, and Shiki's reign of terror along with them?"

" **I'm thinking…"** interrupted a most unwelcome voice, accompanied by the most unwelcome occurrence of a steel collar flying out of nowhere and clamping shut on Perona's neck. She immediately collapsed with barely a panicked wheeze, once more leaving Nami standing alone against the monster.

**"Not,"** Shiki finished, his wide grin twitching some. "Perona, _baby,_ you lied to my face. You told me that you had no attachment to the Straw Hat Pirates."

The Hollow-girl didn't respond, too busy trembling on the ground in a fetal position.

Satisfied, Shiki turned back to Nami, savoring the trembling the navigator was unable to… suppress… wait a minute. That wasn't fear.

Shiki's sadistic, furious grin grew even more as he put the pieces together.

"You know something, girls?" he remarked, one hand already gesturing and forming constructs out of the snow. "The logical side of my mind is practically screaming that I should just kill you now myself. It would be so easy, just a quick couple of slashes and it would be done. But no… as much as I should do that, that's too fast and too merciful when you've forced me to expend this much of my energy! After all, there's quite a bit of tradition in piracy! Every crime has its punishment! And the crime here, whose punishment is _very_ well-known…"

Cackling madly, Shiki shot his hands forward.

"IS MUTINY!"

Before either woman could react, the snow rose up, wrapped around them, and formed icy shackles around their wrists—

_SNAP!_

"ARGH!"/ _"YEARGH!"_

And then the women screamed in agony when the chains wrenched their arms out—nearly to the point of dislocating their shoulders—and bound them spread-eagled against opposite sides of the nearest Daft Green trunk.

"You two will remain in these bindings for what little remains of your lives. I'm going to leave you here and soon some of my men will be here to keep an eye on you while you succumb to the cold." Shiki removed a gasmask from his jacket and slipped it over his face. He then rammed the nearest Daft Green with his fist, causing the off-color vegetation to let loose a wispy cloud of green spores.

Spores that Nami and Perona couldn't help but inhale, that caused their hacking and wheezing to intensify as green bruises started to spread on their skin.

"And the Daft Green, whose potency you _really_ shouldn't have underestimated." Shiki's sneer was obvious, even beneath his mask. "You will die slowly and painfully. And when the life leaves your eyes, I am going to broadcast your lifeless visages to the entire world. Your loved ones will sob… and the Navy will realize how much of a favor I am doing for them. They'll realize how much _better_ things will be when the world is under _my_ control."

"G-g-grghk…" Nami choked out around her panicking respiratory system, shooting a bloodthirsty and bloodshot glare at the Golden Lion. "You… won't… _win."_

"Ahhh, but don't you see?" Shiki the Golden Lion spread his arms, indicating the white-washed hell around them. "I already have…"

He then floated in close and shoved his gasmask right up to her face.

" _Baby. Girl."_

Snarling, Nami attempted to lunge at Shiki, which in practice meant she tried to bite his nose off, but Shiki merely floated away and then back to his palace, cackling all the way.

Her vision increasingly blurry, the navigator stared after him, until finally she no longer had the energy to hold up her head. "…he's dead once Luffy gets his hands on him…" she whispered to herself.

"But… what about… us?" Perona asked weakly.

To that… Nami had no response. She could only let her eyes slide shut in defeat, hoping beyond all hope that they'd come for her soon.

…no. No, not hoping, _not_ hope.

They would come. She knew they would.

They'd come, because… because they had to.

_They had to…_

**-o-**

Near the highest point of Marineford, the Fleet Admiral sat sequestered in his office. He had sent out all of the necessary orders, and mobilization was going as fast as it could be managed. That left him only one thing to do.

"Shouldn't this be the part where you give a grand speech to inspire the Navy to defend the East Blue with their lives?" Tsuru asked quietly, sitting across from the Fleet Admiral alongside Garp.

"If I could do so without sounding hollow, I would," Sengoku replied, equal parts tired and bitter as he poured cups of sake for the three of them. "But _Onigumo's_ words are still fresh in the world's memory. This may be the most righteous cause that the Marines have taken up in years, but there is no good way left to say 'serve Justice' or 'fulfill your duty' without sounding callous."

Tsuru's expression softened the slightest amount.

"What about, eh…" Garp swirled his cup, frowning in thought. "I 'unno, talk about how we already beat him twenty years ago—!"

"And then, less than two years into his sentence in the until-then _inescapable_ gaol, he broke out, picked right back up where he left off and put us in the position we're in today," Sengoku smoothly finished.

Garp briefly mulled that over before wincing sympathetically. "Eesh, when you put it that way, hand me the—"

Wordlessly, Sengoku handed the Vice Admiral the bottle, which Garp began chugging.

While Garp conducted that assault on his liver, Tsuru leaned back and reflected on the orders that the Navy had executed over the past week. Briefly, _briefly,_ she toyed with throwing it back in Sengoku's face, but just as quickly dismissed the notion. Both because she recognized how callous it would be, given the situation, and because as much as she hated to admit it, she knew that the Fleet Admiral's orders were the right ones.

The entire week after the Straw Hats had been defeated for the first time, there was little that the Navy could do. The location of Shiki's base was unknown but for the fact that it was hidden somewhere in the sky, out of the Navy's reach. And with everything that had happened to the Navy during and since the disaster at Enies Lobby, they simply didn't have the resources to spare to seek out such a place, let alone destroy it.

And since they only put the pieces of the enemy's plan together earlier that day, that meant their only option was to start evacuating civilians where they could and batten down the hatches where they couldn't. Anything else meant leaving entire islands undefended, or stringing out the entire Navy to be defeated in detail. At least this plan meant they could concentrate their forces and maybe launch a counterattack.

Another idea flitted through her mind, namely that this might be an opportunity to gently probe her friends about the possibility of joining the Masons. But that notion was dismissed as well, if only because such a tactic was guaranteed to leave an irrevocably bad taste in her mouth.

Which meant she was back to waiting for something to change. At least the wait proved brief.

" _Don don—Puru—KA-LICK!"_

After a moment's silence, Sengoku asked wearily, "It's time?"

" _Yes sir, the snails just started ringing,"_ the soldier on the other end confirmed, the snail mirroring his grave expression. _"Your orders?"_

"Put them on the screens," Sengoku groaned tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Whatever comes to pass, we will _not_ be ignorant of the threat we face."

The snail nodded in confirmation before the other side hung up.

With one final, colossal gulp, Garp drained the last of the sake and carelessly tossed the bottle aside. "Well, let's go out and face the music," he growled.

And with that, the three stood up and moved to Marineford's highest balcony, looking down over HQ's main plaza. More specifically, they were looking down at the trio of titanic screens that had been erected on the masts of the warships in harbor, and watched along with the rest of Marineford's standing forces for the broadcast about to play for the whole.

It wasn't long before the screens lit up and the broadcast began. On screen was a swiftly moving shot that soared above the churning sea. The snail was moving fast, headed for a tower of stone that pierced the clouds, and upon reaching said pillar, the view panned around the pillar as it circled upward.

Upon the pillar, a thriving torrent of humanity, easily numbering in the _thousands,_ was climbing the tower via a path winding around the stone. And from the generally rough appearance, the weapons they carried, and just the demeanor of strength and malice they all shared, there was only one conclusion that could be drawn.

"Pirates," Tsuru bit out, her wrinkled knuckles whitening on the balcony railing. "A traditional army, to go with the bioweapons he's already bred. That bastard… he's truly hellbent on world domination, isn't he?"

"And he's put together the perfect team for it, too," Garp groused, leaning forward. "I recognize some of these faces. 'Blueblood' Bourgeois Benjamin, worth ฿68 Million, Captain of the Esquire Pirates. Tre 'Triple-Tap' Timothy, ฿75 Million, Captain of the Dead-Eye Pirates. Avery 'Big Ben' Everie, ฿85 Million, Captain of the Nevermore Pirates." Garp growled, eyes narrowing. "And they all have their crews with them. Not a person there below ฿50 Million, and not a crew with less than a hundred members. He's gotten nearly all of Paradise's criminal underworld under his flag!"

The analysis, good as it was, missed one detail, a detail that nearly had Sengoku glowing. "The way they're wearing their coats," he ground out, the balcony slowly splintering under his fingers. "That's _not_ coincidence, is it?"

"Considering how they're all wearing the same thing and the last time I saw Bourgeois he was wearing an actual royal cape?" Tsuru remarked. "Not a chance in hell."

The only response Sengoku had for _that_ was a grunt of annoyance.

**-o-**

Apparently done taking in the rising army, the camera view suddenly ceased its circling and instead swung upward, breaking through the cloud cover and giving the world a view of the bottoms of the floating biomes that composed Merveille.

Even in this view, the looming shadow of the central fortress, upon which Shiki's palace was housed, dominated. One by one, crew by crew, the army of pirates marched up and _into_ the central palace, entering via what appeared to be some sort of dock carved into the bottom of the island, which connected the island to the pillar.

The view flew up, around and over the edge of the island, providing the world with a head-on view of Shiki's golden palace, which was only emphasized by the camera swooping straight down the middle of the palace.

"Tsk, damn bastard," Red-Leg Zeff bit out. Though his scowling gaze was focused on the video screen, his hands didn't stop in their work. "Taunting us this much, this is insufferable… Salt!" Zeff snapped his hand up and caught the shaker that flew at him, laid out a layer of the preservative on the lunch he'd prepared, then boxed it up and passed it on to be stored with the other lunches he'd completed. "He never showed off like this before, but now that he has an audience, he's putting on a show for the whole damn _world!_ That damn—Powder!"

Zeff held his hand out again, and he nodded when something was slapped into his palm… before glowering as he realized _what_ he'd been handed.

"I SAID POWDER, NOT PEPPER!" Zeff roared, flinging the grinder back at the hapless cook who'd tossed it at him. Hissing irritably, he went to work cleaning out the gun he'd almost seasoned. "Morons."

The proper container came into his grasp, along with an excuse. "Sorry, Owner Zeff! We've never mixed cooking and fighting this much before!"

Zeff harrumphed but gave no more chastisement; after all, this was the first time in eight years that he'd had to work on preparing food and weapons simultaneously himself. But people needed to eat and those monster-things needed to eat lead when they inevitably came for them.

The remainder of the chefs in the Baratie may not have been going at the masterful speed that their boss was, but with clear evidence of war on the horizon, they were at least _efficiently_ preparing boxed lunches and weapons. And not just for themselves. With how widespread the Baratie's reputation was, the whole crew expected an influx of refugees.

"I swear," Zeff growled to himself as he continued his work. "If anything, that golden bastard's taste has _rotted_ over the past twenty years, and it was already garbage back then."

Meanwhile, the snail's point-of-view had parked itself on a vantage point that gave the world a top-down view of the palace's front facade. After a minute to take it in, the view abruptly shifted, the screen suddenly displaying what could only be a grand throne room in the Wano style, bordered on all sides by paper walls.

"What the—!?" Patty squawked in confusion.

Zeff, meanwhile, just gave the sight a disinterested grunt. "Must have shifted the broadcast to a different Vis-snail. Keep working."

"R-Right," Patty nodded shakily, resuming his work but never taking an eye off the screen.

The chef's attention to the screen intensified when the doors to the chamber slid open, and a number of imposing, jacketed individuals filed in. One by one, the pirates sat themselves on opposite ends of the room behind lap-tables that bore saucers, waiting for their host to arrive.

That scene triggered something in Zeff's memory, and he paused in his work when it came to him, his scowl deepening. And if that wasn't enough, his thoughts were also voiced by one of the ex-pirates on staff. "Is that… a sake ceremony? Why the hell—?"

"He thinks he's already won," Zeff interrupted, his gaze back on the rifle he had been checking over. "This is his victory lap. Showing every step of his conquest in detail, while we all sit back and watch while he takes the world all for himself. It'd almost be impressive, if he didn't make one colossal mistake."

All the cooks paused and looked at their head chef in confusion. "Uh, chief?" Carne raised a finger hesitantly. "I don't know if you've noticed, but he's got the whole damn Blue by the throat. We're all pretty damn licked."

"Yeah!" Patty nodded in agreement. "What's the mistake?!"

_K-CHK!_

Zeff shot a glare at his men out the corner of his eye, placing down the firearm he'd just cocked. "He gave us a warning, you idiots. That means that even if we're going down, we're taking as many of his hellbeasts down with us as we can. Right, men?!"

The answer was instant and unanimous.

"AYE-AYE, CHEF ZEFF!" the Baratie _roared_ as one, before returning to their work with an almost possessed fervor.

Zeff nodded at his boys' enthusiasm before getting back to his own task.

But not before a brief pause. A pause brought about by Zeff contemplating the _second_ mistake that Shiki had made.

Or… at least, he _hoped_ it was a mistake that Shiki had made that would come back to bite him in the ass.

He really, _really_ hoped so. For all of the East Blue's sake, if not the world's.

**-o-**

"Hurry! The caves are this way!"

Dashing ahead, Carrot, Pepper, and Onion very loudly led their parents and the rest of the inhabitants of Syrup Village to the hiding places on the island that they had identified while playing with the captain over the years. And they had sought out even more after the clash with the Black Cat Pirates, ensuring that they knew of every good hiding place that they could use in the unlikely case of another pirate attack. And if their parents had wondered about the practicality of such a thing before, they would never breathe a word against it after this day.

And speaking of impractical acts…

"I… I think the captain would understand if we stopped yelling about pirates coming after this," Onion said, furiously swiping at the fog that had misted up his glasses.

His companions looked at him, both with expressions of guilt on their faces.

"It's not the same as it was before… I'm scared. This…" Onion shook his head, unwilling to meet his friends' eyes. "This is what it's like to be facing a real pirate invasion."

"…You're right. The captain would understand," Pepper sighed, grinding the heel of his palm into his forehead.

"W-We'll find something else to—!" Carrot began.

"STOP TALKING NONSENSE!"

All three boys practically jumped out of their skin as Kaya—who'd been at their sides through the whole ordeal, in spite of Merry's fervent protests—shouted at them, the look on her face bringing back uncomfortable memories from when she'd faced down Kuro.

"Don't even _think_ about stopping!" Kaya demanded. "And even if you do, then I'll just start doing it instead!"

"B-But Kaya!" Onion protested, his lip trembling miserably. "I-If we keep going—!"

"Boys," the heiress interrupted, dropping to her knees in front of them and putting her hands on the shoulders of the two on the outside, accompanied by a kind smile. "Stop. Think. You're forgetting _why_ you do that. Why you always tell everyone that pirates are coming, and why it's a _good_ thing."

The boys blinked incredulously. "A good…?" Carrot sniffed deeply, rubbing at his eyes. "Whaddaya mean?"

Kaya cocked her head to the side. "If you don't tell everyone that pirates are coming," she explained patiently. "Then how will they know when Usopp comes home?"

The Veggies froze in shock at Kaya's gentle reminder, and after a second to process it they teared up.

Kaya spread her arms further and drew the children into a hug, letting them cry into her shirt. "There there, it's alright, it's going to be alright."

The remaining villagers passing around them each spared an understanding glance as they hurried toward their shelters. Kaya, for her part, smiled down at the boys.

_SLAM!_

Until a noise made her snap up a _glare_ at the image projected by the Transponder Snail the villagers had brought with them, so that they could keep a watch on the proceedings.

The pirates on screen had finished filing into the meeting room and had taken their seats, forming two lines, one of twenty-five and the other of twenty-six. All of them were perfectly motionless and patient, the image of surprising professional courtesy.

As such, the noise that had drawn Kaya's attention was the sound of the room's paper doors slamming open, and Shiki the Golden Lion showing himself in all of his glory.

Kaya looked at the face of the man who aimed to destroy her entire world, and her mind flashed back to what she saw on the face of the man she'd trusted for three years who shattered her heart and aimed to kill her, and then of the man she trusted for three days who had repaid that trust a thousand times over from what little she knew of him. With those thoughts in mind, she steeled her nerves and spoke:

"No matter what happens, don't forget this: That man…" Her lips twisted into a hateful sneer. "That _monster_ is no pirate at all!"

**-o-**

All across the East Blue, panic, terror, and some measure of anger gripped the hearts of its citizens, and though he could not see it himself, Shiki knew it, and savored it. So many people hiding and huddling… it would only make it that much sweeter when they died. The fools who thought that they could escape on the seas he would handle himself. One touch to the hull under the cover of night, and the next thing they knew their precious shelter would be flotsam on the surface of his island, at the mercy of his living weapons.

And for those fools who dared to fight back… well. Go after them first to give them some illusion of saving their ocean that he could crush, or last to undermine what they were fighting for? Decisions, decisions…

Regardless, with how low his estimation of the sea was, he figured that there was, at best, one island that would resist him to their dying breaths.

Said island was currently in the process of vindicating those expectations, though neither the inhabitants nor Shiki knew it.

"Y'know, after that Straw Hat kid clobbered Arlong," Genzo growled as he sharpened his cutlass. "I'd hoped we could take all the weapons we'd stockpiled to fight him and just let them collect dust. So much for that idea. Asshole."

"It's not like the rest of us are any happier about it," Nojiko sourly responded, checking over one of the components of the old Marine-issue rifle she was reassembling. "But if we have a choice this time, between dying on our terms or his…" Cranking the bolt back, she grimly smiled as the weapon chambered a bullet with a final _CLICK!_ "Then I choose _ours."_

Genzo grunted in agreement at the statement.

" _MY COMRADES!"_

And then Shiki's almighty bellow interrupted what he was going to say and drew _everyone's_ attention to the screen. The would-be pirate lord was grinning from ear to ear, his arms spread wide and his chest puffed out as he lorded himself over the assembled pirates, who returned carefully restrained respect.

Taking the cigar from his mouth and waving it about, Shiki's grin took on a savage edge. _"I would like to thank you all for joining me here tonight! Know that your presence here is the ultimate indicator of your skill and aptitude, and that you have been deemed worthy to live in the new world that we are about to create! I trust you all understand just how honored you should feel!"_

Placing the cigar back in his jaws, the Golden Lion took a heavy drag, his expression gaining a morose quality. _"Now, I will not lie to you, I do not expect this to be an easy task. Even with the weapons at our disposal, and our own considerable strength, world conquest is no laughing matter. Even by our most hopeful estimates, it will take anywhere from one year to two to properly bring the world to heel, and I can guarantee you that there_ will _be casualties. Not all of you here will live to see our glorious future come to fruition._

"BUT! _What I can_ also _promise is that no matter how long it takes, be it a year, be it two, or even be it two_ hundred, _we! Will! Stand!_ VICTORIOUS!" Shiki shot his fist into the air. _"WE ARE THE GOLDEN LION PIRATES, AND THIS WORLD SHALL KNEEL BEFORE US!"_

With hate burning in their chests, the villagers of Cocoyashi watched the other pirates raise their fists into the air and roar their agreement, from the depths of their blackened, tar-stained hearts.

**-o-**

" _Ah… but, do note one little thing."_ Out of the blue, Shiki's entire demeanor shifted, his head bowed and shadows falling over his eyes. _"While under my command, I will allow you to commit any evil, perpetrate any blasphemy, and indulge in whatever atrocities you so desire… save for one. One single, simple act… whose sentence is immediate execution. This act…"_

Shiki slowly raised his head, and gave each and every captain before him a glare that spoke of nothing but the purest of murder.

" _Is_ **mutiny,"** he rumbled, his voice a murderous growl. _"If any of you betray me, at any point, for whatever reason, then my judgement will be instant and merciless."_ Shiki then quirked up a grin. " _So try and keep on my good side, yeah?"_

The captains all chuckled, but with an underlying nervousness that made it clear that the message had been received, read, and then framed on the metaphorical wall. With underlines. In permanent marker.

[Hmph,] Captain Dugong snorted derisively. [I can't even respect _that_ about him. If any of my crew tried something like that, I'd give them a chance to explain themselves before I tied them to the anchor chain and—]

[Captain, with all due respect, I still have nightmares from the last time you brainstormed punishments that would let you outdo Boss. _Please_ shut up,] pleaded one of the many onlooking Dugongs.

[Or, if you _have_ to think aloud, at least muse on what we'll do to _them_ instead,] First Mate Dugong griped.

Captain Dugong winced at the admonishment, chuckling as he scratched the back of his head. [Ah… aheheh, fair 'nuff. Sorry, just got a lot of time on my flippers to think, you know? Not used to the sea being this calm.]

[Yeah, that's fair…] First Mate glanced out over the calm blue waters. [This place… it's nice. The commute's hell, obviously, but we should come back here sometime if we ever want to relax.]

Captain sobered up at that suggestion and repeatedly tapped the butt of his naginata on the deck. [Sounds good, but don't forget, we can only do that if this ocean's still standing after this mess. That's why we came here in the first place, remember?]

First Mate nodded back. [I remember, Captain. I remember.]

It was a difficult purpose to forget. Following the almost global identification of Shiki's primary target, the Dugongs of the Great Kung-Fu Fleet had unanimously voted to make a detour in their voyage down the Grand Line. Crossing the Calm Belt hadn't been easy due to the lack of currents to coast off of and the surplus of Sea Kings, but they'd managed. Now the Dugongs were floating as close to the dead center of the East Blue as they could manage, ready to deploy to wherever they were needed.

As such, all the Dugongs could do now was wait and watch the Vis-Snail they'd filched off a passing battleship and stuck in a waterproofed box. It was tense waiting and the whole fleet was raring to go, but it was the best that they _could_ do, given the circumstances.

" _Now!"_

Though, as Shiki's imperious bark garnered the Dugongs' attention again, odds were good that they'd get their wish sooner rather than later.

" _I hope you all don't mind,"_ Shiki drawled, his entire demeanor utterly nonchalant. _"But before we properly start our campaign, there is a little indulgence of my own I'd like to satisfy."_ Shiki took his cigar from his mouth and waved it about in a lecturing manner. " _For years now, one ocean in particular in our world has been nothing short of an utter_ embarrassment _to the rest of the world."_

The Golden Lion's expression shifted into an out and out scowl of the purest disgust. " _This pathetic, worthless puddle of water of which I speak has never once failed to produce anything but disgusting and reprehensible pieces of filth, and any time someone of note crawls their way out of the mire and manages to survive for more than a day, they show themselves to be the ultimate disgrace to our kind."_

" _For the sake of piracy and pirates everywhere, this ocean_ must _be exterminated, and the shame it has brought on the rest of the world through its existence properly cleansed… with_ blood."

Shiki concluded by flinging his arms out wide, his eyes bugged out in sheer, bloodshot insanity. "PEOPLE!" he roared. "AS OF THIS MOMENT, WE SET SAIL FOR THE REPREHENSIBLE SEA OF SCHEMES! _WE SAIL TO LAY WASTE TO THE EAST BLUE!"_

[Not if we can help it, _bastard,]_ Captain Dugong growled, a sentiment echoed by the rest of his tribe hard enough to shake the ships.

**-o-**

"So," Raoul, bartender and owner of the Gold Roger Bar, stated casually as he polished his old, well-experienced shotgun. "Guess this is it then, eh?"

"You know it, old man," Gambia grunted, knocking back the dregs of the bottle of tequila in his hand before reaching over the bar for another bottle. "If that asshat wants to rip apart the ocean where it all began, then he's gonna start with the _town_ where it began, which is here. And when he gets here?" The gangbanger leered murderously and tapped the butt of his gun on the bar. "He's gonna get the bonafide Loguetown welcome! _ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BOYS!?"_

"YEAH!" the gathered members of the Barto club roared, some of them firing off their pistols.

"Oi, oi!" Raoul shouted. "No shooting in the bar, we've been over this a million times already!"

"And you're gonna do it a million times more!" one of the gangbangers jeered back.

Sighing, Raoul reached over and deftly plucked a fresh bottle of tequila and placed it just out of reach of Gambia. "Control your men," he ordered.

"Yeah, yeah…" Gambia grumbled, standing and turning around. "KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY, YOU IDIOTS! YOU'RE WASTING POWDER AND BULLETS!"

Sheepishly, the men settled down and stowed their weapons, at which point Gambia nearly knocked over the bottle in his haste to grab it and pop the cork off. Taking a quick hit off the bottle, he sighed contentedly and nodded respectfully at the bartender. "Seriously, though, thanks for letting us clear your stocks, old man."

"Eh, well, you know what they say," the old man shrugged indifferently.

Gambia cocked an eyebrow curiously.

"First off." Raoul held up a bottle and took his own swig from it. "You can't take it with you. And second, if you're going down…" His smirk became an outright malevolent grin as he held up his shotgun and pumped it forcefully. "Go down _swinging!"_

"YEAH!" Gambia immediately roared along with a forceful fist pump, a gesture that his boys eagerly mimicked. "WE'LL SHOW THAT BASTARD WHAT WE'RE WORTH!"

" _Not that I need to remind you."_

And then suddenly the good mood died hard and fast, and everyone in the bar shot glares at the image being projected by the snail the Barto Club had… _appropriated_ from the town square.

Shiki's chin was raised proudly as he tapped his finger on the lip of the saucer he was holding while his bandaged science officer poured out the sake. _"But the East Blue is the most defenseless and strategically expendable of the six seas. It'll be mourned, but there's nothing that'll be_ missed _. So, be as thorough with your carnage as you like!"_

"GONNA HAVE A HARD TIME RIDING THAT HIGH HORSE OF YOURS WITH ALL THE LEAD I'M GOING TO PUMP INTO YOUR ASS, YOU POMPOUS SHIT!" Raoul belted out, the rest of his 'patrons' cheering and roaring in agreement.

Heedless of—or more likely _relishing_ in—the sheer amounts of pure _hate_ being directed at him the world over, Golden Lion Shiki raised his saucer high, an honest grin on his face. _"This is the birth of the Golden Lion Pirates!"_ he declared with—what else—pride.

" _YEEEAAAH!"_ the other captains echoed, both in action and volume.

There was a moment of relative quiet, presumably from the pirates waiting for Shiki to drink his sake, when suddenly a new voice piped up.

" _Y'know, so long as we're in such a celebratory mood…"_

A very familiar voice. The eyes of the snail on Merveille snapped around and showcased a face that _nobody_ in the bar could mistake.

"I-Is that…?" Raoul gaped in shock.

Gambia reeled so hard he almost fell out of his seat. _"BOSS!?"_

" _I'd like to toast ta' something_ else," 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo politely requested, idly swirling his sake. _"If'n you don't mind."_

Raoul blinked in shock before slowly adopting a grin. "Well, looks like we might have a chance of seeing tomorrow after all. And you all know what that means, right?"

"Hell yeah!" Gambia cackled, pounding his fist on the countertop. "Pass the popcorn and prep the sake!"

"Well, that, yeah… buuut it _also_ means that _you all_ have to pay your tab after all."

"WHAAAAAAT?! SHIT-SHIT-SHIT!" Gambia leapt from his stool with a panicked yelp. "QUIT DRINKING, YOU SHITS, WE HAVE TO ACTUALLY _PAY_ FOR THAT!"

"Hehehe _heh,"_ the bartender chuckled, switching from polishing his shotgun to polishing a mug instead. "Ahhh, impressive as you younguns might be, looks like the old guard's still got some tricks of our own!"

**-o-**

Shiki stared at the rookie in mild irritation, but the sheer satisfaction from _finally_ bringing his plan to fruition overpowered it. It was a most momentous occasion, and he had at least waited until he, Shiki, had said his piece. He exhaled briefly, but managed to crack a smile as he gestured for him to go ahead.

Bartolomeo nodded in acknowledgment, and raised his saucer high as he started to speak. "I wanna make a toast…" he started solemnly. "To an ocean. An ocean that has a reputation of weakness."

Wait a minute.

**-o-**

Dadan's jaw slowly dropped she divined where the rookie was most likely going with this. "Hooooly shit, is he actually—!?"

Whatever question the mountain boss was about to ask, it choked off when the broadcast suddenly changed, showing the well-guarded front courtyard of the palace… and _blaring_ a heart-pounding fanfare.

"I-Is that…?" Dogra breathed in awe.

For a second, guards located below the snail just milled about their business as usual, but suddenly they started to react to something and pointed towards the sky. The snail was quick to follow their line of sight, glancing up at a sky that was mostly covered by clouds, but still had a gap that allowed the full moon to shine through.

A full moon that was silhouetting—!

"The Thousand Sunny!?" Magra gawked in shock.

" _THAT'S LUFFY!"_ Dadan shot to her feet with a cackle and a roar. _"HE'S STILL KICKING!"_

"WE'RE NOT LICKED YET, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

The bar paused in shock at the outburst. Not the language, that was tame by Mount Corvo's standards, but the _source_ on the other hand?

"Makino!" Woop Slap gaped at the usually demure young woman.

" _Cram it,_ geezer!" Makino growled at the mayor, fire blazing in her eyes. "I'm a bartender, of course I know how to swear! Now shut up and cheer!" She then refocused her rage at the screen. "COME ON, LUFFY! PUNT THAT ARROGANT BASTARD'S HEAD OFF!"

They gaped for a second longer… and then, they all joined in with a roar.

But even over the music and the shouts of encouragement, they could all still hear Bartolomeo speaking.

" _An ocean that has a reputation for a lack of power, lack of wealth, lack of resources… but at the same time, its people are_ rich."

**-o-**

" _I raise my toast to an ocean of people who are powerful, not in body or mind or whatever, but who are powerful in_ heart!"

"So somehow those crazy bastards actually managed to get their ship to fly on its own, huh?" Crocodile mused to himself as he watched the Straw Hats' ship descend on the compound. "I _wish_ I could even start to be surprised by that."

Crocodile also wished that he wasn't watching the display, but it wasn't like he or anyone else on Level 6 had much say in the matter. Shiki had spared no expense in ensuring that the world would see his moment of triumph, to the point that he had even used his powers to deliver a crate to the very bottom of Impel Down, planting a video Transponder Snail there and forcing the prisoners that the Government was attempting to erase from time to watch the Golden Lion's show. _Forcing_ them to watch as the Golden Lion succeeded where they had all failed.

The feat had gotten in Magellan's craw, too, seeing as Shiki had triple-locked it in a sea prism stone box and even managed to remotely bolt it to the floor such that none of the staff could access or even move it, so the guards had no choice _but_ to let the prisoners watch.

A 'privilege' that none of the prisoners were exactly enthused about, if the way they were all raging in their cells was anything to go by.

Still, in spite of the commotion going on outside of his cell, Crocodile still had a perfect view of the Thousand Sunny crashing down into the courtyard. The impact destroyed the front gate and carved a huge trench into the ground, as well as kicking the guards into an absolute frenzy.

And before they could do much more than that, a series of almost simultaneous detonations and an indecipherable blur that sent anyone who came in contact with it _flying_ came out of nowhere _._ The guard force was wiped out in less than a second.

Crocodile's eyes widened in recognition. "Really now?" he muttered to himself. "So even you…"

If the Straw Hats were surprised or put off by the guards' annihilation, they didn't show it. Instead, they dismounted from their parked ship and strode over the guards' bodies, silhouetted by the remaining smoke.

That's not to say they went _entirely_ without greeting, however. Once they reached the very front door of the castle, they found them to be wide open. A pair of individuals were standing on the threshold: a dark-skinned man wearing a trenchcoat, and a blonde woman in a yellow-and-black dress.

"HEY, LEATHERNECK, WEREN'T THOSE TWO YOURS BEFORE YOU GOT PINCHED?" the somehow thoroughly inebriated voice of Vasco Shot echoed throughout Level 6.

"At least _my_ soldiers are all still alive, you moronic lush," Crocodile snorted in response, ensuring his voice was carried to its destination. A goal that was accomplished if the slurred swearing that ensued was anything to go by.

Still, whatever previous animosity the ex-Officer Agents might have once held against those who had taken down Baroque Works, it was clearly long gone now. The pair of Ability-users _bowed_ to the Straw Hats, bending at the waist and displaying the utmost courtesy and decorum.

" _Straw Hats. We've been expecting you,"_ Mister 5 drawled. _"Welcome to the Imperial Golden Lion Palace."_

" _We've prepared a more…_ appropriate _wardrobe for your soiree,"_ Miss Valentine purred, giggles following her words. _"If you'll follow us, please?"_

For the first time in over a week, Crocodile _laughed_.

**-o-**

" _An ocean of people who, no matter what, will always stand shoulder to shoulder for the sake of the person next to them, be they family or neighbor, be they criminal, civilian, or even the_ damn Marines, _and_ never _give in!"_

The shadows and distant images of the Straw Hats marched silently through the hallways of the palace, the view swapping from snail to snail to follow them as they passed an indoor garden, and over to a side room where they each parted one of the doors, revealing a large dressing room. A dressing room with one side filled with a variety of suits and other such formal outfits - and the other with a Marine-grade _armory._

" _Right in here. I believe you will find the accommodations to your liking,"_ 5 nodded.

" _Please don't take long, our most g-gracious host will be expecting your arrival anyt-time now,"_ Valentine said, visibly struggling to keep herself from cackling.

The citizens of Gray Terminal, however, had no such reservations and were hooting and hollering as they watched the Straw Hats file into the changing room. Originally, they'd been busy ransacking the manors that Goa's nobles had abandoned in their haste to evacuate the East Blue.

But now that it looked like there was even a _chance_ they would live to see tomorrow? They were _far_ more eager to cheer on the prodigal son of the slums, whose cheeky grin they could all remember… and whose old 'I.O.U.' slips suddenly seemed _leagues_ more valid.

As the Straw Hats started to outfit themselves in their newly provided attire, it was made blatantly obvious that Soundbite was in full control of what his visually inclined cousins did and didn't show. This fact was clarified by how the broadcast only showed brief flashes of the Straw Hats as they pulled on their new gear—

A trenchcoat's lapels yanked firmly into place.

A helmet slammed into place, polished metal gleaming in the torch light.

A tie cinched up to perfection.

A boot slamming into the ground, hard enough to crack the floorboards.

An ornate peaked cap adjusted by the tip of its brim, the golden skull emblazoned in its peak leering malevolently.

Gauntlets snapped into place, fingers stretching out to their fullest before snapping into a fist.

" _I raise my toast to an ocean of people who will never back down and never surrender, no matter_ how much _shit the world tries to pile on them!"_

—And as they prepped their newly acquired weaponry—

The lever on a rifle ratcheted back, chambering a new round.

A pair of pistols spun into their holsters.

A break-action shotgun snapping shut on its freshly loaded shells.

A magnificent katana sliding into its snow-white sheath.

And finally, met with a _roar_ of rabid approval, a _massive_ rotary cannon hefted, and its barrel spun up with a mechanized roar.

—Until finally, _finally,_ at long last… they were ready.

The world _cheered_ as the Straw Hats marched out, ready for _war._

**-o-**

" _I raise my toast to an ocean whose spirit and legend can never be snuffed out, no matter what you or_ anyone _ever does or says! I raise my toast to the Blue of Hopes and Dreams!"_

The camera's eyes gave no clear view of the Straw Hats as they were led through the palace, immaculately chosen angles and distances blocking any clear view of them and giving nothing away save that they had swiftly changed into formal black outfits, and were all packing varying amounts of heat, from heavy rifles to outright bazookas, with Going Merry's form—clear from her size—carrying what looked to be twice her body mass in pure gun.

"Hooooly _hell,"_ Helmeppo wheezed in a numb voice, his eyes bugging out over his visor. "I don't think I've seen that much firepower in a _warship's_ armory, much less on _people!"_

"I-I'm pretty sure carrying that many firearms without the proper permits _guarantees_ five consecutive life sentences, doesn't it?" Coby questioned weakly, his brain trying and failing to make sense of what his eyes were showing him.

"Seven if it's determined they were held with intent to fire, minimum," Tsuru clarified, her eyelid twitching furiously. "And that's only if, by some miracle, the offenders can sell out enough names to miss the death penalty."

"What the _hell,_ Luffy?!" Coby questioned incredulously under his breath. "I know you're mad, but—!"

"Ohohoh, my cute little grandson is _more_ than pissed, brat," Garp chuckled through his rictus grin, idly scratching at the veins that bulged on his neck and betrayed his true feelings. "That bastard took one of Luffy's crew. If Shiki's still alive by the end of this… well, it won't be because Luffy intended it that way, I'll tell you that much."

"Get our fleet mobilized, I want us sailing according to that Pose within the hour!"

The two apprentices and the two veterans turned toward their superior, who was currently glaring at the receiver as if it'd just insulted his mother.

"We know where they are?!" Coby exclaimed. "But I thought—?!"

"Aegis 0 just delivered an eternal pose to Merveille, or at least the pillar it's currently anchored itself at," Garp answered, grunting in exertion as he hauled himself out of his seat and cracked his back. "Turns out they've been sitting on the damn thing for _days_ now, and they only just decided to hand it over."

"What!?" Helmeppo squawked, boggling at his mentor. "Shiki's been a clear and present threat for a week, why didn't they give it to us before!?"

"Because," Tsuru sniffed dryly. "It was only today that a World Noble offhandedly ordered them to 'help those worthless insects'—that's us, mind you—'do the jobs we so generously pay them for'."

"And apparently they consider handing us that pose to be help enough," Sengoku grumbled under his breath. "Because we're sailing to that battlefield _alone."_

"U-Understood, sir," the rookies nodded respectfully, and prepared to depart as well.

The Marines proceeded in silence for a bit until the usual suspect inevitably broke it.

"…You do realize you're just gonna be—?" Garp began.

"I _know_ we're Straw Hat's clean-up crew again and I don't give a damn!" Sengoku barked. "Even if we're just eating their scraps, even if we only manage to accomplish the _least_ amount of good, I couldn't care less! This is a battle for the fate of the world, a battle that will never be forgotten, no matter _what_ might come to pass! I will not let history show that when push came to shove, all we could do was sit on our asses and _watch!"_

The watchers processed this. Then Garp's face split into a malicious grin as he cracked his knuckles. "Well, when you put it that way, count me in. Let's get going."

"S-Sir!" Coby and Helmeppo saluted, following their superior out. Tsuru lingered behind, silently looking at Sengoku. Sengoku looked back.

"…Does it still seem hollow?"

"It's hard for me to say at this stage."

A pause.

"…Justice will still be served. But what will the world think?"

"They'll side with the Straw Hats for saving that ocean, I'm sure."

Another pause.

"And what do you say about all of this?"

"…I have had to think more about what I call Justice over the past few months."

"Then we feel the same way."

"Do we? I'm not so sure… but I regret that."

Silence fell once more. Then Vice Admiral Tsuru left for her own ship and Sengoku followed, leaving the room empty.

Much later, when the pair of them thought back on that conversation, neither one was quite able to recall who said what.

**-o-**

"I RAISE MY TOAST!" 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo roared, raising his saucer high above his head.

_SMASH!_

Before utterly _horrifying_ the other captains present, who could do naught more than gape in equal parts awe and horror at the mohawk-toting _maniac_ who'd just _spiked_ his saucer between his feet.

"TO THE EAST BLUE!" he howled loud enough to shake the rafters of heaven.

Despite the ample warning given by the entire speech, Shiki's eyes flew wide open, every vein on his brow bulging in complete outrage. Angry beyond words or even noises, he drew a pistol and aimed right at the pirate's shark-toothed smile. The gun fired, the bullet flew… and then the lead ball deformed against thin air, falling to floor with a ping that everyone heard.

"HEHAHAHAHAHAHA! You really _are_ a moron, wheel-boy," Bartolomeo taunted, his head thrown back and the air flashing a mere inch in front of his face. "Not only do you try to shoot a guy who ate the Barrier-Barrier Fruit…"

And then Barto snapped his head back into place with a roaring cackle, his tongue lolling from his fang-toothed mouth and both his middle fingers sticking straight up. "But you're stupid enough to recruit one of the only two primo badass captains of this generation _to come from the East-fucking-Blue!"_

"You…" Shiki rumbled, the veins down his arm bulging murderously, the wooden panelling of his pistol splintering within his grasp. "Do you even _realize_ what the hell you're doing, you suicidal _bastard?_ Do you _really_ think that a pathetic little _mongrel_ like yourself can even last _two seconds_ AGAINST SOMEONE LIKE _ME!?"_ The last few words were roared, the palace creaking ominously around the pirates' heads as though it were liable to rip itself apart any moment.

"Who, me? Alone?" Barto cocked his eyebrow inquisitively, not even looking at Shiki in favor of buffing his nails on his coat. "Psh, nah, I know when to pick my fights. You'd squash me, easy." He then shot a spike-toothed leer at the Golden Lion. "So it's a damn good thing I didn't come alone, ain't it?"

Precisely on cue, the unmistakable sounds of a beatdown filtered into the throne room, _from right outside_ the chamber. And from the familiar screams of panic and pain, Shiki knew that it wasn't _his_ men handing out the beatdown.

"Reinforcements, I take it?" the veteran growled, though calm slowly returned to him. He had armies waiting on all sides of the room, just waiting for a cue to break down the walls. No force would allow _this scum_ and anyone fool enough to follow him to make it out of this alive.

"Hehahaha… you've got it backwards, Shiki," that damnable rookie sneered, slowly walking out of his place in line and positioning himself so that he was directly opposite Shiki, leering up at him without shame or fear. "My crew and I? We're the back-up dancers for this shindig. But _them?_ Hehaha… they're the _real_ main event. I mean seriously!"

Barto flung his arms wide as he stepped aside, the mad grin that had been on his face since the toast spreading even wider. "Just check out their grand entrance!"

Suddenly, the sounds of the beatdown stopped dead, and all the lights outside the throne room seemed to come on at once, harshly illuminating the exterior of the sliding doors.

A whisper of flying steel sang out, drawing everyone's attention to one of the screen walls. In an instant, slashes crisscrossed the entire left half of the wall, the screens holding for only a second before the sheer wind pressure blasted them out of their frames.

A number of the assembled captains shifted where they were sitting, glancing towards the display of force with vague interest.

Seconds later, with the sound of a _bomb_ going off, the _other_ half neatly disintegrated, the paper and wood shattering like glass struck by a hammer. Barely had the shreds from the devastated wall started to fall when a pillar of hellfire erupted and reduced the fragments to ash and cinders.

The captains gazed towards the carnage with restrained curiosity, scrutinizing the smokescreen for the perpetrators.

And then, all at once, they showed themselves.

**-o-**

"You know, in the earlier days of our training, I often questioned how practical it was to be dressed professionally when we were out on the job," Blueno drawled.

"I remember that, and they always gave us plenty of plausible answers," Kalifa said. "Covering more of your form leaves less opportunity to drop a trace of yourself."

"While at the same time testing you to ensure that you can execute without staining yourself," Kumadori brought up. "There is also the fact that the World Government would never have any employees of significance dressed otherwise while on the job."

"And the fact that limiting our mobility is supposed to give us constant training, in life and on the job," Kaku continued. "All valid reasons… and none of them the real one."

"The real reason," stated Rob Lucci with a bloodthirsty smirk. "Is that it's just so much more satisfying to hand someone their head if you look good doing it."

"Ain't that the truth," Jabra snickered. "Pity that this is probably the last time we'll see the Straw Hats like this, though."

" _Either way, there is a fact we cannot deny…"_ Hattori cooed as he scribbled on a pad of paper, eyeing the Straw Hats as they strode from the smoke.

From 'Sniper King' Usopp's extravagant suit of samurai armor to 'Devil Child' Nico Robin's functional cowboy-trenchcoat combo, and all the spic-and-span suits worn by everyone else in between…

" _Those bastards clean up_ damn _good."_

**-o-**

"Hey, what the heck!?" 'Winch Green' Yonji, youngest son of the Vinsmoke line, barked indignantly, strangling one of the vis-snail's eyestalks. "The hell's wrong with the image, you spineless lump of slime?!"

The reason for the ultimate human's ire was that while _most_ of the Straw Hats were depicted in picture-perfect clarity, there were two whose faces were hidden from the world.

One was for a normal enough reason: one of the central figures in the crowd, standing next to Roronoa Zoro, was a chain smoker. So much so that any shots of his face were obscured by the haze of smoke he kept exhaling like a chimney. Unfortunate, but such was life.

The _other_ obscurity, however, was far less forgivable: for whatever reason, the face of the tallest of the crew was rendered entirely inscrutable by a blur of static and warped color that prevented any details whatsoever from being made out.

"You! Stupid! Piece! Of—!" Yonji snarled, yanking harder and harder on the eyestalk, and undoubtedly preparing to yank even harder than that.

"Give it a rest, Yonji," his elder blue-hued brother, Niji, drawled from nearby. "This snail isn't the one in control of the broadcast. The camera must be crossing its vision in regards to that one. It's an old trick that usually takes years to train a snail to do, but the loud mouth one must be capable of it instead."

"I'm more interested in the smoker…" the blazing red elder, Ichiji, smirked as he eyed the fume-shrouded pirate. "Looks like he's a blond… probably that 'Sanji' they have on their crew. Heh, remind you guys of anyone?"

" _No, and it doesn't remind you of anyone, either."_

"Yes, father," the boys all immediately said, their heads bowed respectfully.

Even the unswerving loyalty of his perfect soldiers didn't prevent a derisive snort from Judge Vinsmoke. Not even their actions could soothe the inferno that had been pricked in the back of his skull. "That is _not_ him," he growled, speaking as much to himself as to the soldiers present in his throne room. "It is a different Sanji, and not that worthless waste of time and flesh. As it is, I've already made it clear to the World Government that I want that embarrassment to our name wiped from the maps. We will speak no more of this."

"Yes, father," the heirs of the Germa repeated.

"As you say, my lord," the lone _heiress_ demurred politely, even as, in the back of her mind, she harbored _far_ less charitable sentiments.

' _Wrong again, father,'_ Reiju thought with her dryest venom, her bile hidden behind a long-perfected mask of obedience. _'You were wrong about him before and you're wrong now.'_

But when she looked back at the smoked-out face of her brother—her baby brother, alive and well and _thriving_ —her mask softened into genuine compassion.

' _That's right, Sanji,'_ she silently praised him. _'Tell the world your name… and don't_ ever _let them forget you again!'_

**-o-**

Furthest to the right from the viewers' perspective, Princess Nefertari Vivi rode sidesaddle on her loyal friend, whose helmet, chest plate, greaves, and wing armor made him the very picture of a war mount. And Vivi herself was clad in a purple and black V-neck blouse, black jacket, and black pants, a look of tranquil determination on her face.

Rebecca the gladiator stared at the unflinching form on the screen as she confronted one of the most infamous men in history, a man that even the tyrant Doflamingo feared to clash with, if the way Dressrosa's defenses were being raised was anything to go by.

She'd craved the sight of Vivi's face for several months, with how much her words and actions had affected her, and while she had seen the wanted poster, it wasn't quite what she was looking for.

Now, as she stared at the desert princess as she was at that very moment on the other side of the world, she found herself searching for an answer to a question she had harbored for so long.

Then, all at once, she stiffened and her eyes widened. The look in the princess's eyes crystallized something that had been stirring in Rebecca's mind from the very first SBS, from the very first words Vivi had uttered in defiance to the judgment of the entire world.

And now that Rebecca knew what it was she was feeling, she grabbed it with both hands and vowed she would never let it slip from her grasp again.

She slowly rose, discarding the wagers that she had picked up, and walked off toward the armory.

That day would later be noted as the last time that any of the gladiators saw fear on Rebecca's face. The last time she would let Diamante see fear in her eyes.

**-o-**

"Dear father, what kind of glasses are those?" Shirahoshi questioned as she took in the image in the town square. "The one that Boss Dugong is wearing?"

"Hmm?" King Neptune hummed, leaning in to see more closely. All five Dugongs in front of the Straw Hats' party were still naked from the 'waist' down, but wore suit coats, bandanas in their usual colors, and neckerchiefs or bowties around their necks. The TDWS all wore round sunglasses as well, evoking the image of yakuza soldiers, but Boss was different. In addition to the bandolier around his torso and the cigar in his jowls, he was wearing…

"Ah, those are triangle shades, dear, jamon. Designed more for appearance than for practicality, jamon. I hope you're not asking because you want a pair?"

"Oh!" Shirahoshi gasped, bringing her hands to her mouth. "No, no, I was just curious about them. I hadn't seen them before."

"They're not common, your highness," the Minister of the Left said, stroking his beard thoughtfully. "Though I do recall one child from a decade or so ago who was quite taken with them. He was a loud and boisterous kid with a good heart, but he kept trying to form something of a gang and he kept going on about the surface as well."

"I heard rumors that he tamed an orangutan sea king and rode off for the surface; he hasn't been heard from since," the Minister of the Right added.

Shirahoshi nodded in understanding, though her brow furrowed in thought. "Ah… Minister, what is an orangutan?"

"This may take a while, jamon," Neptune chuckled lightly as his left and right hands scrambled for answers.

**-o-**

"…Laki?"

"Yes, Wiper?"

"I'd like to take you up on that offer you made a few weeks ago to design a set of formal clothes."

"I told you so!" Aisa sang.

" _You,_ however, are still not going anywhere near a ship flying a Jolly Roger."

"Sea King balls!"

"AISA!"

" _Phhhbt!"_

"Heheheh…"

"YOU TOO! I KNOW WHERE SHE PICKS IT UP!"

Apart from the banter, the source of this change in mindset for the Shandian was the image of the Straw Hats' gunner on the screen. White dress shirt and red tie, a white scarf that reached down to her thighs on both sides, and the rest of her in black: black shoes, black pants, black coat, and even the white beret they'd last seen her in swapped out for a black model.

And with Su completing the image by curling around her neck and toting a black fedora all her own…

"You go, gangsta girl…" Aisa breathed reverently, stars twinkling in her eyes.

**-o-**

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that's just awesome," Paulie laughed, gesturing at the figure beside Conis. Even with all that they knew of the Straw Hat Pirates, the most famous of them on the island of Water 7 was Going Merry, the autonomous ship whom the crew had given a new life even when Galley-La's best couldn't fix her.

And currently, said ship was standing in the form that new life had given her: a young girl with white hair, clad in a black overcoat over a red shirt and a decorated peaked cap. Her face bore a quiet smile that held a clear tone of malice, and perhaps most notably, _she_ was the one hauling the rotary cannon, a weapon both twice as tall and thick around her as she was, not counting the ammo drum, with absolutely no effort.

"How can something be so adorable and so badass at the same time?" Oimo snickered in agreement. "Those idiots are in for it now."

"Just like Enies Lobby all over again," Kashi laughed in agreement, fist-bumping his partner.

That good cheer only lasted until their captains' fists cracked down on their skulls.

"BACK TO WORK!"/ "WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS LATER!"

" _BASTARDS!"_

**-o-**

Not far from the end of Paradise, the two Marines whose actions had ultimately led to the founding of the New World Masons observed the lineup of the Straw Hat Pirates, their eyes falling on one figure in particular. Directly beside Nefertari Vivi and Carue stood the Voices of Anarchy and their partners.

Jeremiah Cross wore his gauntlets, greaves, and cap, along with a brown shirt with a wide collar and a loose tie colored a darker brown, framed by an open jacket and pants that were a shade darker still. He carried the sword Funkfreed in his right hand, the snarling Lassoo on his back, and Soundbite on his shoulder, a pair of sunglasses doing nothing to hide the glare he was burning over the shades or the fangs he was baring.

And as for Cross himself?

"Commodore Smoker… meaning no disrespect, I've found myself wishing often over the past few months that Cross could be a little more like… well…"

"Like me?" Smoker asked quietly.

"Y-Yes, sir."

"So have I," the Commodore admitted. "I've hated his smartassery since the first time we talked in Loguetown, and I kept thinking to myself that it would be so much easier to tolerate that someone like him helped us form the New World Masons if he were more serious."

The both of them looked back at Cross. His hat was tilted to shadow the upper part of his face, but they could see his eyes. And they were cold. Utterly devoid of humor, of enjoyment, of eagerness… of mercy. The last time Cross had faced down a man that he actually hated enough to murder, he hadn't once lost his witty, if sadistic, sense of humor.

He had long since lost that now. When the two Marines looked at their ally… their _friend,_ who had opened their eyes to the truth, all they saw was a cold-blooded pirate who wouldn't hesitate to reduce any enemy in his path to a ravaged corpse.

"And what do you think now, Tashigi?"

The Lieutenant looked between Cross and Roronoa Zoro, whose eyes gleamed with even more promised murder.

"I _really_ want him to start cracking jokes again…" she swallowed fearfully.

Smoker nodded tersely in agreement. "We'll just have to wait and see once this is all done, then. Right now, I'm more concerned with someone else: where the hell is Straw—?"

Before the Commodore could complete the question, the Straw Hats all parted and formed two rows before the gaping hole in the wall. And in the middle of them all…

Smoker's cigars dropped to the ground, forgotten as the two Marines _gaped_ at just what they were seeing.

"Oh. My. God," Tashigi breathed, voicing at the same time her own thoughts, Smoker's, and the _world's._

**-o-**

On the other side of the world, for the second time that month, the Totland Archipelago was completely paralyzed.

Only five individuals in the whole stretch of sea were left conscious. Four were the Big Mom Pirates' Sweet Commanders, who, at the epicenter of the event, had all fallen to their knees, with Katakuri only just managing to land in a three-point position and keep himself mostly upright via liberal application of Mochi supports as their mother and captain's rage billowed throughout the palace.

The fifth was the source of the event herself: the Emperor of the Seas known as Charlotte 'Big Mom' Linlin, whose mood had just pulled a complete 180.

Just moments earlier, she had been perfectly jovial as she enjoyed a casual tea party with her beloved family, enjoying many a treat while watching the old coot Shiki flail about in Paradise, and totally ignorant of her children and underlings subtly constructing bunkers and shelters all along the archipelago behind her back.

And then, out of the blue, her mood had flipped. Now Linlin was _furious,_ the air itself rippling around her as she flooded her domain with her presence, and _crushed_ everyone within her grasp. Crushed their very beings with the image of a giant, a colossus, a _titan,_ large enough to blot out the very sun, arms outreached from horizon to horizon and threatening to smother the world.

And the source of this outrage was the picture being projected on a screen by a Transponder Snail that only barely remained half-conscious by Katakuri's sparse efforts.

While twenty-one of the Straw Hat Pirates stood on either side of a self-formed corridor, their captain was the last to enter the room, the light from behind him showing him only as a silhouette for a moment. A straw hat, a billowing coat…

And seeing that silhouette, only one thought came across Charlotte Linlin's mind.

One thought crossed the mind of every member of the old generation in the world.

One thought.

One face.

One smile.

One _name._

" _ **ROOOOGEEEER…"**_ Big Mom breathed murderously.

**-o-**

Shiki ruthlessly quashed the vision that his mind's eye forced upon him at seeing the form of that straw hat-wearing pirate. He refused to see the resemblance to his former rival. Roger was dead, gone, no more. And no matter how much the world insisted that this man was his successor, he refused to believe that he would lose with his superior forces to a man from the East Blue. Not now, and never again. _Never again._

' _And yet, here they are,'_ a traitorous part of his mind supplied.

He schooled his angered expression into one of dull interest, lighting a new cigar. "So, you want another round. Color me surprised."

The Straw Hat Pirates calmly entered the room, marching between the commanders of the Golden Lion Pirates, who continued to observe them with vague interest. Behind them, Barto strolled up to his own subordinates, who nodded at him, before descending into hushed conversation.

"You're planning on attacking the East Blue," Straw Hat Luffy stated quietly, his hat shadowing his eyes.

"Finally caught on to that, did you?" Shiki scoffed.

The crew paused as they reached the middle of the room, and Luffy raised his head to show one furious eye. "And Nami, she's OK?"

The Golden Lion's grin took on a special kind of evil. "Sure, she's doing peachy!"

The assembled attendants snickered at the apparent joke. Shiki was quick to join them.

The Straw Hats, meanwhile, were just as quick to bristle. In particular, Cross and Zoro tensed up as though they'd been delivered electric shocks, their eyes gleaming with untold emotion in the shadows of their headwear.

"Jihahahahaha!" Shiki, however, was blind to the shift, be it through casual ignorance or his own will. "You sure put up a dangerous front. But you don't think this motley crew of yours is going to walk out of here alive, do you?" So saying, he raised his hand and snapped his fingers.

On cue, the remaining screen walls in the room fell, kicked down by the pirates on the other sides. It was quickly apparent that the Straw Hats were woefully outnumbered; hundreds of armed and sharp-dressed pirates filled the left and right side of both stories of the room. A small army, armed to the teeth and all focused on the one, single crew that stood opposed to them.

The Straw Hats' sole reaction was to give the soldiers the most cursory of glances before dismissing them.

"I figured only one of you would be naïve enough to believe that she could sacrifice herself to save her home. But now you're rushing in here, an entire suicide squad," Shiki drawled, puffing on his cigar. "Well, I suppose it's just for the best. If I can't toast my new alliance with sake, then I shall just have to baptize it in your _blood."_

"You're as dumb as you look," Luffy bit out, wiping the smile from Shiki's face. "Nami would never sacrifice herself, idiot. She joined your crew… _so she could attack from the inside!"_

As the captain raised his voice, the rest of the crew raised their weapons, cocking them and holding them at the ready. Rifles, blunderbusses, shotguns, cannons, all manner of high-power firearms, aimed in every direction around them.

"Now prepare yourself, Shiki the Golden Lion!" Luffy roared, taking a floor-shaking stomp in Shiki's direction. "We won't lose the same fight twice!"

Apparently, that was the cue for every Straw Hat with a ranged weapon—and at this moment, that meant every last one of them—to open up on everyone else in the room. Most of the pirates in the first ragged row had no time to react before they were enveloped in bullet hell. And those that _did_ have time to react were either met with another weapon as they dodged or else had their cover demolished by the heavier artillery.

Ten seconds in, and already a _quarter_ of the pirates in the room were down with bullet, shrapnel, or explosive wounds. And not only was the bullet hell not letting up, the complete and utter grim silence with which the Straw Hats were working just made things _worse._ It made some of the pirates long for them to say something. _Anything._

"MWAHAHAHAHA! Entire crew is _babies!"_

"Go home to mommy! YOHOHOHOHOHO!"

On second thought, 'anything' did not include Merry and Brook cackling and taunting them. They could really do without that.

Witnessing the devastation and also seeing that the incensed rubber man out for his head was emptying his clip at an almost possessed pace, Shiki knew that there was only one smart option at the moment.

"Captain—!" one of the Golden Lion's lackies exclaimed, hastily running up to his captain.

"Right…" Shiki growled, turning to walk behind his throne.

_WHOOSH! **KRASH!**_

But he froze and snapped his attention back to the chaos when the _utterly inconceivable_ occurred.

**-o-**

I could and most definitely would have continued my onslaught for as long as Lassoo would let me, but I cut myself off when everyone else started to click empty around me.

"Gngh, I'm out of ammo," Franky grunted, tossing the two bazookas he was using at Merry, who promptly shoved them into her jacket. The rest of the crew followed suit, the caravel-girl giggling ecstatically at the sheer amount of firepower she had housed within her hull.

"Never seems to be enough bullets to take 'em all down," Sanji quipped as he cast his gaze around the rest of the room, which was slowly starting to get its wits back together.

"Speak for yourself, hombre," Lassoo growled, morphing to his semi-form on my shoulder so he could shoot a smirk at our cook. "I've still got bombs for days."

"Ditto on that point, howlitzer," Merry giggled, knocking loose her steaming cannon's empty drum and just as swiftly fitting in a fresh replacement. "I've got a belly full of red hot lead and I intend to _share."_

"Sorry, Sanji, but they do have a point," Conis smiled at the Monster as she slotted in a fresh Flavor Dial. "We experienced gunners do tend to carry spares. Ah, by the way, Merry—?"

"Here ya go!" The ship-girl withdrew a large bundled object from her hold and tossed it to the angel.

"Aaaaand the dugong makes four!" Mikey snickered, earnestly spinning his pistols about his flippers. "Don't you feel foolish!"

"Oh, cram it," Sanji huffed out in a weary cloud of smoke.

" _Enough,"_ Luffy growled, cutting off the chatter. We all snapped to attention. "Cross?"

I nodded at my captain before scanning over our crewmates one by one. "Usopp, Chopper. You're our best trackers, find Nami and get her back in fighting condition."

"On it!" Usopp snapped into a salute as he finished shrugging off the heaviest pieces of his armor.

"And then Indigo?" Chopper questioned in a tight tone, thumbing his facemask over his nose.

"And then Indigo, right," I nodded before moving on to one of our larger and smaller crewmates respectively. "Merry, Carue. Work together, go nuts through this place, take anything that's shiny and isn't nailed down."

"WOOHOO! IMMA BE A LOOTER!" Merry cackled, leaping onto Carue's back as Vivi slid off, and almost _flattening_ the poor duck on account of how she was _still_ toting the one-ton cannon.

"Oh _gaaaawd…"_ Carue wheezed, but despite his quaking knees, I could _tell_ that he was still good for it.

"Robin," I glanced at our grim archaeologist. "Think you can—?"

"— Find whatever information Shiki's accumulated over the years and appropriate it for ourselves?" Robin smirked as she tilted her hat down over her eyes. "I think I can do something along those lines, yes."

"Fantastic," I nodded gratefully. And then I turned towards our most recent powerhouse, who was clenching and unclenching her hand. "Everyone else, fuck things up. And Vivi… think you're feeling up to bringing down the heavens?"

Vivi brought her hand up to stare at it before slowly looking up at me. "No…" she breathed. Then, before I could ask what she meant, her other hand combed through her hair and tugged out her hair tie, shaking her long blue mane free. Something _crystallized_ in Vivi's eyes, and a miniature vortex spun into existence in the palm of her hand.

"I'd rather _raise the roof."_

And with that the Princess shoved her cyclone-bearing hand heavenward and clenched her fingers into a fist, crushing the vortex in her palm.

" _ **RA'S WRATH!"**_

I whistled as our party was suddenly encircled by a roaring pillar of air that shot up, into and clean through the ceiling, blasting the roof apart with contemptuous ease. The glare Shiki shot Vivi's way through the clearing smoke was almost as impressive.

**-o-**

The throne room of Alubarna Palace was dead silent as the occupants all stared at the princess's display of might.

"She did it…" Cobra whispered, tears of _so_ many emotions welling up in his eyes.

" _My_ sincerest _apologies, Shiki the Golden Lion,"_ Vivi curtsied politely as the smoke dissipated, her gaze never once breaking with her enemy. _"Did I forget to mention that I'm a Logia now?"_

"She looks just like her mother," Pell breathed, pride in his voice.

"Right down to the 'repent or suffer' look," Chaka concurred.

"Heheheh, please," Accino chuckled with a wave of his cigars. "I was married once as well. You mean 'repent and suffer _less'."_

Cobra slowly allowed a vicious grin to come across his face. "The only difference," he stated proudly. "Is that Shiki has _long_ since made his choice."

**-o-**

OK, _now_ the way Shiki was glowering was impressive. If looks could kill, Vivi would have been a greasy smear on the floor, Logia or no Logia.

" _SHIKI!"_

Still, it didn't last long before Luffy made a beeline for Shiki and prompted the bastard to make a run for it. Gritting my teeth, I went after my captain, Zoro right beside me. And a good thing, too, because Scarlet and Indigo popped up out of nowhere right behind Luffy, the bandaged clown brandishing an oversized sabre and the gorilla sporting a pair of brass knuckles I just _bet_ were laced with sea prism stone.

They turned to face us, and it wasn't hard to imagine them tearing into Luffy's unprotected back otherwise. I raised Funkfreed—

"OUT OF THE WAY, MORONS!"

—And then hurled myself out of the way when Soundbite blared a train horn in my ear and an annoyingly familiar voice shouted behind us. Zoro followed a split second later, but Indigo and Scarlet were slower on the uptake, which meant that Barto, a shimmering cow catcher projected a half foot in front of him, practically ran them over in his haste to… follow Luffy!?

I shook the dizziness of the dodge from my head before shooting a glare at Barto's retreating back. _"Damn it all,_ Barty, what the hell do you think you're playing at!?" I grumbled to myself.

**-o-**

"WAIT UP, STRAW HAT!"

Luffy turned his furious gaze over his shoulder, prepared to slam his fist into whoever had dared to try attacking him while he was after Shiki. He aborted the attack, however, when his pursuer didn't make any aggressive moves. And… something else…

"Who—?" Luffy started to call back before jerking as his memory was jogged by the other pirate's bobbing mohawk. "Ah, you're that Barty guy, right? The one we met in Loguetown? What're you doing here?!"

"Wh-What do you think?!" Bartolomeo stammered, huffing as he tried to keep up with Luffy's insane pace. "I-I'm coming with you! I'm gonna help you k-kick Shiki's ass!"

Luffy's curiosity faded into annoyance, and he snorted and snapped his head forward. "I don't need your help! Go back and help the others!"

"Wh-What!?" Barto squawked, cold sweat breaking out over his brow. "Th-That's not—! Y-You can't—! _Nnngh!"_ 'Black Bart' clawed his fingers down his face. "J-Just listen to—!"

"I don't need to!" Luffy barked impatiently, starting to increase his pace. "This bastard threatened our home and stole our crewmate! This is _my_ fight! So stay out of—!"

" _WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME, YOU DUMB BASTARD!?"_

More out of surprise than actual fear, Luffy looked back at Bartolomeo, whose expression had morphed into a full-on scowl.

"I set out to sea because of you, Straw Hat!" the fang-toothed pirate bellowed proudly, his jaw set with ineffable determination. "I've followed your crew's journey every step of the way, even before the SBS! I _know_ how you do things, I _know_ that Shiki declared war on you the moment he hurt one of your crewmates, and I'm not going to stand in your way. BUT!"

Barto put on a burst of speed, actually managing to catch up to and run _alongside_ Luffy, glaring dead ahead after Shiki. "The East Blue is my home too!" he declared. "I've got my boys there, my family! And I'm not just going to sit back on my ass when I can actually make a difference! I'm going to fight for them, tooth and nail, no matter what you or anyone else has to say about it! And if you don't like it… _then you can get the fuck out of my way!"_

Bartolomeo winced at insulting his idol like that, but it seemed to cement Luffy's attention on him. He was silent for a few moments, glaring at his fellow East Blue captain.

"How do you fight?"

Accurately interpreting the meaning of Luffy's question, Bartolomeo grinned as he locked eyes with him. "Good old fisticuffs crossed with my Barrier powers. I can hit anyone, but they can't hit me back."

Luffy nodded and refocused his attention ahead. "Alright. Let's go, Black Bart!"

Bart's leer stretched from ear to ear. "Right there with you, Straw Hat!"

**-o-**

I stared after Bartolomeo and Luffy, automatically climbing to my feet. I hadn't expected _that_ , but with my annoyance ebbing I could admit that Barto was the best candidate to actually _help_ Luffy against Shiki. This wasn't a bad thing, not at all, no matter how much the petty side of me wanted to say otherwise for getting a train horn blasted in my ear.

"What was that about?" Zoro grunted, massaging the spot on his thigh where Barto had clipped him.

"Barto's living his dream right now," I answered. "Don't worry about it, he'll either be a net help for Luffy or Luffy will knock him out before he makes too big a nuisance of himself. Either way, we should probably focus on our own situation."

Zoro snorted, slowly turning to look over his shoulder. "Yeah, _speaking_ of which…"

As Zoro said, 'our situation' was, ah, not optimal, so to speak. I don't know how many pirates were in the room with us, but it was at least a few dozen, and these weren't the grunts that we'd mowed down earlier. No, these guys were all staring at us without any fear, without any hesitation, with total certainty in not only their own victories, but their having the strength to _achieve_ said victories.

All that, coupled with the jackets they had slung over their shoulders, and I'm fairly certain that these were all _captains,_ every last one of them _._

"Soundbite, headcount?" I muttered out the corner of my mouth.

" _FIFTY OF_ **these guys** _ **out in the front,"**_ he answered. "AND, UH, DON'T PANIC, **but we didn't get** _ **EVERY ONE OF**_ THE GRUNTS. **'NOTHER FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY** _behind them."_

I clicked my tongue in a sharp _tsk._ "So," I sighed out loud. "Final count, it's us two, a loud-mouthed third mate tactician with his partners and a first mate swordsman, against fifty of the strongest captains in Paradise, along with the top fighters in their crews. Close to five hundred pirates against two."

"I think we can take them," Zoro said as he retrieved and brandished his unsheathed Wado Ichimonji. "Do you think we can take them?"

"You _always_ think we can take them," I groused, though that didn't stop an eager grin. It was this grin that I turned on the captains surrounding us. "So? What are you guys waiting for? An engraved invitation?"

That did it. One graybeard stood, drew his sword, and pointed it at us. "Get those little pests!" he barked. "Kill them all!"

Immediately, the crowd surged towards us, the larger part breaking for Zoro and a smaller but still significant chunk going for me. I grinned and hefted my partners. After the last week… I _needed_ this.

Hefting Lassoo, I pulled the trigger as fast as I could, baseball bombs soaring over the heads of the frontline to thin out the crowd to the rear. Adding to the carnage was Soundbite pitching in with the Bass Cannon every time a bomb went off, creating veritable _walls_ of sound that turned anything in their path to jelly. Gunfire rang out, but a swift swing of Funkfreed had him wrapped around me, the bullets pinging off his steel hide prompting the pirates to mostly abandon their guns.

Still, about twenty bombs later, the leading two captains were almost on me with the rest of the horde only reeling. One was a full-bearded fellow with a brown coat trimmed in fur and a painful-looking x-shaped scar on his forehead carrying a massive iron club, while the other was an aged woman, her black hair done up in a long pigtail and her Chinese-style dress torn at the waist to expose an armored breastplate, brandishing cutlass and dagger.

Both were also in the danger zone of Lassoo's baseball bombs. And neither of them were concerned as they charged toward me, the looks on their faces clearly expecting me to go down in a matter of seconds so that they could move along. If I were a little less incensed, I'd probably be grateful that the misconception that my voice was the only dangerous part about me had lasted this long.

I dedicated myself to disabusing them of _that_ notion with an almost savage glee.

I snapped my arms—and weapons—out to my sides. "Pachy-Cryo," I uttered.

Funkfreed withdrew to his blade form, which made the captains pick up speed, but they were given pause by water spraying down the length of his blade from his hilt, courtesy of his old Water Dial. A moment later, his new Cool Dial _flash-froze_ the water into a secondary blade of pure ice.

"Cani-Pyro!"

Lassoo followed suit, reverting into his cannon mode. He then coughed out a measured stream of gas that he swiftly ignited. Said flames coalesced into a controlled pillar of blue flames, easily as long and as thick as Lassoo was.

Preparations complete, I hefted up my partners and greeted the captains with a savage smirk.

"Beast Blitz," I chuckled grimly. _"Bring it."_

They were only too happy to comply.

The woman's blades not only froze over almost immediately upon slamming into my own, but the ice glued her hands to her own weapons and Funkfreed's edge, while Lassoo's blowtorch went through scarface's club like it was made of butter. The looks on their faces were priceless.

"GASTRO- _nation."_

And then Soundbite rang their skulls like church bells and put them right out of the fight. Good timing, too, because the rest of the crowd had arrived. This was no time for subtlety or fancy tactics. Instead, I simply waded into the fight, swinging Lassoo and Funkfreed around equal parts calculated intent and reckless abandon. With the temperature effects they were running, that was still enough to clear large swathes of pirates.

It was incredibly satisfying.

But it just. Wasn't. Enough.

Gritting my teeth, I tossed aside Funkfreed and Lassoo—who promptly swapped to their hybrid forms and took up the charge on their own—and punched one of the non-captains in a pinstriped suit square in the nose. That he crumpled like a sack of flour was so much more satisfying than using my partners.

And while Zoro and I were tearing through these guys, no one could ever accuse them of being _stupid_. Weak and as coordinated as drunken monkeys on a waxed floor, but not stupid. The nearest captain, one wearing a blue shirt and sporting fish-like fins behind his ears, charged me, clearly intent on grappling me, shouting, "Everyone, dogpile him! It's just that dumbass bigmouth Cross!"

I waited until he came close, then grabbed his hands as he made to strangle me. His eyes widened slightly when I didn't crumple immediately. And then I _squeezed_ , his wrists crumpling beneath my fingers like empty soda cans.

**-o-**

" _Brutal,"_ Kid sneered appreciatively, his fingers twitching with potential violence just _itching_ to be released as he observed the beatdown.

"Oh, _God help me…"_ Killer dragged his fingers down his mask, groaning miserably as he contemplated the inevitable meeting of the two pirates and the fallout that would come of it.

**-o-**

" _Wh-What?!"_ the captain gasped in shock and pain, staring numbly at his destroyed hands. Then I yanked his arms down and rammed my knee into his chin, dropping him to the ground.

"… ' _just_ Cross'?" I chuckled with deceptive, icy calm as I made a show of dusting my hands off. "Ohhh nonono… let me explain something to you lot."

Several pirates, non-captains, tried to bum-rush me. A punch here, an elbow there, a dodge to let one fellow sprawl painfully against a wooden support beam. I helped him along to dreamland by planting my boot against the back of his head, and I was sorely tempted to give him a half dozen more for good measure.

"Now… this might come as a bit of a shock to some people, but the truth is?" I gestured at myself with a smile. "I… am an angry person. It's true, I am, I am a very angry person. Bit new to me too, seeing as it only really started up since I came to the Grand Line, but, well…" I shrugged as I shattered the jaw of someone trying to sneak up on me with a backhand. "There it is.

"Normally, this doesn't really show because I channel my anger constructively, I let it out through my words as I slowly but surely tear the World Government down, piece by piece. But see, for the past week?" I ducked as another pirate swung a bulky arm at my head. I then snagged said limb in a crushing grip and wrenched the limb around my assailant's back. "I haven't been able to do that."

I ratcheted up the pressure on my captive's arm as I spoke. "I haven't been able to do that, because for the past week, my crew and I have been trapped in a primordial _hellhole,_ fighting for our lives against monsters that outweighed us fifty to one apiece, courtesy of an arrogant bastard who decided to ignore my _every_ warning, my _every_ repeated message concerning the sanctity of our crew, and made the _fan-fucking-tastic_ life choice of fucking with me and mine in a most _glorious_ manner. As such?"

_SNAP!_

My captive howled in agony and I let him drop to the ground as he lost all resistance in his shoulder.

"I am," I smiled politely, holding my fingertips less than an inch apart. "Just the slightest, tiniest bit, somewhat pent up."

Another captain joined into the fray, resplendent in a white uniform trimmed in gold with an impressively tall hat. He also had gray skin, black pits for eyes, sharp claws and teeth… oh, and also had a good three feet on me, height-wise. That's probably why he thought it would be a good idea to jump at me from the second floor like some panther on the hunt or something.

"Now, I'm no fool." I tugged down my hat and grinned, even as the rabid pirate descended on me. "I know for a _fact_ that I can't even lay so much as a scratch upon Shiki, no matter how much I want to. I can't even touch him." I then snapped a _glare_ up at the pirate. "But _you."_

Before dead-eyes could react, I snapped my metal-clad fists out and snagged the captain by the lapels of his _oh so nice_ jacket, snatching him clean out of the air and holding him _nice_ and high off the ground where all he could do was scrabble and squirm at and in my literal steel grip.

"You all who decided to join him, to stay allied with his flag, even after he, at the risk of repeating myself, _fucked_ with me and mine, in a very public, impossible to ignore manner," I hissed venomously, grinning up at my victim-to-be. "You, I can touch. You… I can _break._ But still, just in case, _just in case_ this all sailed clean over your dumb little heads… let me make this as _easy_ for you as I can possibly make it…"

Spinning around, I shifted my grip and then _slammed_ the captain into the floor, turning it into splinters and shaking the whole room.

I then, very slowly, very deliberately, turned at my heel and regarded the pirates who had all frozen in place like the _disgusting scum they were,_ scowling with pure malice as I _slowly_ cracked my knuckles, one by one, ensuring that they could _all_ hear it.

" _Daddy needs to express some_ _ **rage,"**_ I rumbled grimly.

Ahhhhhh. That's the stuff. And the fact that the rest of the crowd around me—and it was a pretty sizeable crowd, still—was taking a fearful step back, terror written on every square millimeter of their faces, was the gourmet icing on this delicious cake. Then I blinked.

"Huh. This must be what Shiki feels like all the time. Explains a lot, really." I turned back to the crowd, who all took another step back. "Now, who wants some?" Not waiting for an answer, I pointed at a pirate at random. "You. You want some."

"Oh, God—GRK!"

That choking noise? That would be me holding him up by his throat, Funkfreed covering me while I made my point. "Don't bother," I chortled, sheer madness gleaming in my eyes. "My captain already punted him off his throne. Wanna guess who _spat in his face first?!"_

**-o-**

Mr. 5 eyed the sharp metal whirlwind that was Roronoa Zoro's position as he strolled into the chaotic mess that had once been Shiki's throne room. "My my, this is really turning out to be quite the party," he remarked, catching a sword-armed pirate with his foot. Which exploded.

"Kyahahaha!" Miss Valentina cackled, floating above the chaos. "And me without my banana! I feel so underdressed!"

One eyebrow rose above 5's sunglasses. "Why would you need a banana at a party?"

"You always take a banana to a party!" Valentine replied as she came crashing down on some poor fool who happened to be under her.

A muscle in 5's cheek twitched. "…alright, let's try again: What good is a banana at a party?"

"Excellent source of potassium!" Sanji answered as he skidded past, surfing on a pirate whose head he had under his heel.

"Thank you~!" Valentine called after him.

"Why do I even bother…" 5 shrugged with a defeated sigh.

Suddenly, a knot of pirates exploded. Literally. Both former Baroque Works agents glanced to the site of the explosion, and were thoroughly unsurprised to see Cross there, dog-gun retrieved and smoking on his shoulder. They _were_ surprised to see 'Thief Lord' Ernesto Barbarossa among the fallen pirates, blood dribbling out of his ears. Taking a moment to catch an attacking pirate and explode his hand in his face, Mr. 5 sighed and turned to his partner.

"…Miss Valentine, what was that you were saying a couple of months ago, before we met the Kuja Pirates?" he asked in a tight, if conversational tone.

"I was saying that we need to let go of our grudge against the Straw Hats because of how much their stupid luck has rubbed off on us," the woman said, more focused on the display than the pirate fruitlessly trying to cut through her umbrella, the poor bastard entirely unaware that the parasol was, in reality, entirely steel down to the last fiber and was only portable due to currently weighing a mere fraction of its normal weight.

"That's what I thought," 5 nodded. "I'm starting to agree wholeheartedly with that."

Valentine hummed as she snapped her parasol shut, allowing her attacker to overcompensate with his next swing, and then brained him with the full weight of her weapon of choice, which hit like a ton of… well, anything. "That's good."

" _That said,"_ 5 plowed on. "I still want my shot at wringing Cross's scrawny neck."

"Oh, now that's an entirely different kettle of fish," Valentine scoffed, jabbing her umbrella's tip in the bigmouth's general direction. "You take everything above the waist, I call everything below."

" _I heard that."_

The two of them stiffened as Cross side-eyed them, the literally murderous look in his eyes freezing them where they stood.

" _I'm only going to say this once: if anyone who is not on my crew attacks me right here, right now, I will not be held responsible if they_ don't _survive it,"_ his voice informed them, right in their ears, in a perfectly conversational tone of voice.

The two Devil Fruit users looked at each other. Then they proceeded to walk—not run, of course not, why would they run, they didn't need to run, not from _him_ of all people— away without another word.

**-o-**

"…"

Something tried to pierce the hazy shade of Nami's mind.

"…i…"

Something tickled her senses, attempting to bring herself back to consciousness.

"…a…i…"

Something was pushing and pulling at her. She couldn't be sure if it was physical or mental.

"…ami…Nami…"

Her name. Someone was calling her name. That was the push she needed to stir into consciousness.

"Nami… Nami?"

She didn't recognize the voice. It sounded young, more male than female, and concerned. She also processed the fact that something was prodding at her face.

"Nami? Nami, please wake up, please wake up! I'm sorry! So so sorry! I'll do anything you say, I won't ever run away again, so please! Please!"

The prodding suddenly became a straight up jackhammer.

"WAKE U—!" _SLAM!_

"CUT IT OUT, YOU STUPID DUCK!" Nami shrieked as she slammed an uppercut into Billy's beak, knocking him off of her.

A second later, however, Nami nearly collapsed as the extra energy granted to her by her adrenaline cut out, leaving her right back at death's door. Her mind reeled from the green haze choking it, but her analytical mind was still capable of discerning three facts about her situation.

First, she had been cut loose of the bindings that Shiki had strung her up with, and she was laid out in the snow a good dozen metres away from the Daft Green grove.

Second, Perona was free as well, lying in the snow next to her, but was still incoherent on account of the green bruises that had mottled her face.

And third, most important of all…

"Billy…?" Nami wheezed through her too-tight throat, blinking at the red-yellow blur she could vaguely recognize as her avian friend.

"Nami!" the electric avian squawked in relief, flapping over her ecstatically. "You're alright! Oh thank heck, I was so worried! I-I'm so so so sorry that I flew away earlier, I-I-I was just so scared, and-and-and look!"

Billy held up his shaking wings, and Nami blinked at the large metal orb he seemed to be holding. "I-Is that… my Jet Dial?" Nami coughed in confusion.

"I-It was the b-biggest piece I could find and-and-and I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help and, a-and…" Tears welled in Billy's eyes as he bowed his head. "Please… p-please, y-you're my-my first friend… m-my _only_ friend… s-so please, don't hate me…" the duck sobbed, rubbing at his eyes. "D-Don't hate me for running! D-Don't be mad, p-please don't be—GWAK!"

Billy was choked off by Nami throwing her arms around his neck and hanging onto him for dear life.

"Y-You came…" the redhead sobbed into his plumage. "A-And if you're talking… th-then that means the others came too… you're here, _you're all here…"_

Billy returned the embrace with similar relief, smiling at the forgiveness she gave so easily. Though concern returned immediately upon seeing her slump to the ground, struggling to breathe.

"N-Nami! What's going—?"

"The poison," Nami croaked weakly, shaking her head. "Billy… B-Back in the trees, the fuses… on the dynamite. Y-You need to ignite them, h-hurry…"

"W-Wha!?" Billy squawked with a panicked flap. "B-But if I do, th-then the Daft Greens! The _others!"_

"That's the plan," Nami breathed. "Shiki won't know what hit him…"

Billy stared at Nami in horror, but she shook her head. "Worry about us after… we need to—"

" _Idiot."_

Duck and witch started as a soft hiss suddenly came from nearby, and their attention turned toward the huffing, scowling form of Perona, who was clawing at her collar.

" _Get… this… off._ I'll… _trigger… the bombs…"_ she panted.

Nami processed that and looked at Billy, who frowned as he looked at the collar.

"I-I dunno if I can…" Billy muttered noncommittally, nosing at the keyhole.

"Bring her— _hurk,"_ Nami heaved as her throat seized up on her. Grimacing with effort, she rifled her hand through her hair and withdrew a hairpin. "Bring her here, q-quick…"

Billy hastily complied, taking Perona into his talons and bringing her over to Nami. She put the pin in the lock and had it off in seconds. Black humor played across her face.

"Well… at least now I can say that I c-could literally pick locks on my deathbed," she chuckled.

"And _I'm…_ supposed to be the one… with a morbid sense of humor," Perona wheezed, raising her hand. Slowly, strugglingly, a cluster of Mini Hollows spilled out and flew toward the trees.

Nami watched with grim satisfaction, and in a few moments more, when the only obstacle preventing Shiki from falling victim to his own monsters perished in fire, that smile widened into a visage of outright malice.

Billy swallowed heavily as he watched the Daft Greens burn, but then his trepidation became outright terror when he heard the incensed howls of his 'brethren' in the distance. "Sh-Sh-Shouldn't we be running or something…?" he quacked fearfully.

"Nah…" Nami shook her head with a delirious snicker. "No need… I'm hurt, remember? We don't need to run…"

Billy was _about_ to protest that particular decision, but before he could say much of anything, he was silenced.

Silenced by the sight of a thirty-foot tall stag striding through the burning gap in the trees and plodding its way towards them. With a forest of spear-sharp antlers protruding from its brow, the beast's stature was emphasized even further, and coupled with the rows of razor-sharp teeth in its maw and the positively evil glint in its eyes… Billy was under no illusions as to what his 'cousin's' intentions were.

The duck gulped, and out of pure instinct he snapped his wings out, preparing to take to the skies but then he steeled himself and extended his tail as well, electricity crackling around him.

"Don't bother."

Billy hesitated at Nami's soft wheeze, but elected to ignore what he knew was the result of delirium, continuing to charge himself up.

"Don't bother, Billy," Nami repeated just as airily. "I'm hurt… and that means…"

Billy grit his teeth, about to unleash his energy—

" _CHERRY BLOSSOM BLAST!"_ "EXPLODING STAR!" **KA-BOOOOOOM!**

And then he flinched in shock as a series of explosions enveloped the deer, followed swiftly by a gorilla-like figure skidding to a halt beside them, the familiar long-nosed form of another Straw Hat coming up quickly behind him. Both were panting with relief and satisfaction.

"Y'know… that deer looked a _lot_ like my birth father…" Chopper mused as he walked up to them, gaze on the staggered, smoking stag. "And all things considered? I honestly think that I might have enjoyed that way too much."

"Considering how I'm planning on decking my own dad when I meet him before hugging him? I think your reaction was downright _healthy,"_ Usopp snorted in return.

"You're… You're here," Billy said dumbly. "You-You guys actually _came!_ I thought she was delirious!"

"Oh, she is," the reindeer responded with a roll of his eyes, fishing a pair of vials out of his backpack and tossing one to the sniper. "Faith in her crew or not, she wouldn't be staying still instead of running when she couldn't fight back if she were thinking straight. Drink this, Nami. You too, Perona."

At Chopper's gesturing, Usopp held the vial to Nami's mouth while he held the other one up to Perona's. Two assisted swallows later and the two snapped up into sitting positions, hacking and wheezing in renewed agony.

"You conscious _now?"_ Chopper asked tersely.

"What the hell did you just make me drink!?" Nami demanded viciously, the agony in her chest the only thing preventing her from _ripping his scrawny—!_ "GRK!" Like that.

"Taking that as a yes,"Chopper said dismissively, getting his chemicals in order. "What I just gave you was an energy booster to accelerate the progress of the secondhand IQ you ate at the Sunny through your immune system. Bitter taste, better cure…" He then frowned grimly. "Except it _isn't_ a cure, just a stopgap measure. Daft Fever is vicious enough over a prolonged period of time from secondhand inhalation, and you just got it from the source. We need to get the pure cure, and the only way to manufacture it is from IQ plants, and the only place on the whole island I can get those…"

All present recoiled a bit as Chopper's eyes glowed cyan. **"Is Indigo's laboratory."**

Usopp nodded in understanding, tapping his Kabuto on his shoulder. "Need any help getting there?"

"I—"

"N-No!" Nami interrupted with a wheezing cough. "I need you to do something else for me!" Before Usopp could question what that was, she pointed out the nearby wreckage.

"AAAGH!" Usopp squawked in panic, snapping over to and cradling the metal orb desperately. "THE WAVER!? WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?!"

" _Shiki happened,"_ Nami snarled savagely before allowing her expression to soften. "But I think the Jet Dial is still intact, so maybe we can salvage _something_ from it. Just… Just get it back to the Sunny, alright?"

Usopp hesitated for a scarce moment before nodding and taking the metal shell into his hands. "No promises about finding my way back to you guys before this is over, but I'll be back in the fight as soon as I've dropped this off."

"Alright," Chopper nodded firmly. "Take care, Usopp,"

The sniper saluted proudly before grabbing onto the metal orb, and blurring out of sight.

The doctor then glanced at Billy. "And what about you? Feel up to helping?"

Billy hesitated slightly at the question, but only for a moment before he steeled his beak and nodded. "You take Perona, I'll carry Nami."

The human-reindeer nodded and promptly got to work. It took some effort to properly situate Nami on the duck's back, loop her arms around his neck so that she could hold on, and then finally get moving…

But once they started running, it wasn't a moment too soon because barely a second later…

" _ **GROOOOAAAAR!"**_

The world itself howled havoc and set loose the _everythings_ of war.

**-o-**

"Ho. Ly. Shit."

" _RIKA!"_

"Come on, Mom!" the young girl protested, incredulously flailing her arms at the screen. "If _anything_ warrants swearing like a sailor, it's the end of the world! And _that!"_ So said, she pointed at the screen.

At the devastation raging through the Golden Lion's compound. Dozens of monstrosities of varying size but equal viciousness and savagery, tearing through the walls of buildings and ripping through the assembled troops with absolute abandon. Insectoid, mammalian, avian, even some amphibian-aquatic monstrosities that had decided to venture out of their comfort zone in their desire to join the carnage.

"That," Rika repeated firmly. "Is pretty much a scene right out of the end of the world right there. And it's also what's going to come down on our heads if Luffy and his friends lose! So if that doesn't warrant some swearing, I don't know what does!"

Ririka frowned heavily at her daughter's frustratingly valid reasoning, and ultimately decided to save scolding her about it for when the Straw Hats succeeded in saving them again. She wouldn't allow herself to believe that they could lose; there was too much at stake.

"Normally, I'd be right there with you, Ririka."

Mother, daughter, and patrons turned to see Commander Ripper coming towards them, an uncharacteristically savage grin on his face.

"But to be perfectly honest? This has got to be the most _beautiful_ show of poetic justice that I've ever seen. When I think back of what it was like to be under Morgan's axe… for the sake of keeping our island and ocean safe from that, I'm overlooking any support that the base shows towards Luffy or any of his allies for the rest of the day."

Ririka's eyes widened as she made that connection: a tyrant enforcing his will upon what he saw as his dominion. They were once again relying on Luffy to save them from an awful fate, this time before it even began. And with that in mind, with that realization of how much it meant to them in particular that the fight worked in their favor…

She sighed and smiled lightly. "I seem to have gone temporarily deaf. It should be better by tomorrow."

Ripper smirked while Rika grinned.

**-o-**

Sanji thudded to the floor, grimacing in pain and frustration, one hand on a cut in his upper arm oozing blood. At least his opponents weren't in any hurry to attack him, either. Silver linings.

Surrounding him were five human-sized monsters in animal form. But for all that they were human-sized, they were a damn sight tougher than anything running around in the jungle. The wolf pacing around was blindingly fast; kicking the cobra opposite it was like kicking a metal cactus; the hare sitting well back kept pelting him with projectiles; and the steel-feathered falcon and nausea-inducing bat circling overhead were a consistent nuisance. _Especially_ the bat. It was too bad there weren't any real recipes that featured bat.

Not to say that this had been entirely one-sided. The wolf, for one, was walking with a pronounced limp, to say nothing of their considerable caution. That meant one thing.

"Time to kick it up a notch," Sanji muttered, beginning his spin. His foot scraped on the wood, and soon bloomed with immense, crackling heat. The alphas around him all took a nervous move back, the fear of fire still ingrained in their instincts. So when Sanji leaned towards the wolf and the rabbit behind it, both flinched back, which left them completely out of position when Sanji instead took a flying leap towards the cobra, blazing foot held out.

The cobra, eyes wide, tried to slither out of the way, but it wasn't fast enough. What saved it were the falcon and bat launching metal-hard feathers and an ultrasonic scream respectively. Sanji flinched under the assault, slowing.

"You're…" he growled, planting his hand and pivoting. "Annoying!"

That pivot swung his blazing leg around and right into the bat's face. With a squawk of agony, the bat went tumbling back and hit the wall, slumping to the floor.

Sanji let himself go limp as the falcon dove at him, the bird passing over him and his foot coming up to meet it. Another squawk, a burst of feathers, and then the falcon bounded off the ceiling and plopped onto the floor, too. The remaining animals warily eyed Sanji, especially when he stood and flashed them a smirk.

"Who wants to be served next?"

As if on cue, one of the walls suddenly burst to pieces, a mid-sized crocodile with a raccoon and a scorpion on its back trotting in. The scorpion promptly launched a glob of venom at the cook, who dodged it, only to be met by a sudden raccoon dive to the face.

"Wargh!"

Only a hasty jump back saved Sanji from more than a few face scratches, and it didn't stop the rock that smacked right into his ribs. Worse, out the corner of his eye, he could see the two fliers starting to stir.

' _This… could be bad,'_ he mentally admitted.

"Hey, Sanji, you look like you could use a hand."

Sanji glanced towards the door, where Gin was leaning against the frame, smiling like the devil.

"If you've got nothing better to do," Sanji grunted.

Now, with two fighters in the room, the animals were once again frozen, eyeing each as they tried to figure out what to do. That meant Gin had plenty of time to spin his tonfa. Time enough that they started sparkling and crackling, until the weapons were twin blurs of radiant light.

"Primum Imperium," Gin intoned, before rushing the crocodile.

Slow as it was, the crocodile probably wouldn't have been able to dodge the blow, and it didn't even try, trusting in its protective armor. That armor, sadly, was not built to withstand a massive iron ball slamming into it, nor to stop the load of electricity that followed. With a snapping noise and a keening wail, the crocodile twitched and flailed and then fell still, the smell of charred keratin filling the room.

"Who's next?" Gin asked, scanning the room.

Sanji, meanwhile, had started moving as soon as said the name of his attack. Spinning around, he raised his foot in an axe-kick that he brought down on the still-surprised cobra sitting behind him. The blow obliterated the tatami mat and left the cobra stunned. The next five ensured that it would _stay_ that way.

Swaying out of the way of the wolf, Sanji spun and planted his non-fire leg right into its soft underbelly. With a yipe, the wolf tumbled out of the fight, at least for now. A rock, following in its wake, was obliterated with a single kick. The two fliers tried to stay at range, but injured as they were, Sanji had no problem Moon Walking up to them.

"Premiere Hachis Hash!"

The double-kick landed square on the falcon, pitching it away again. Evading another kicked rock, Sanji touched down, right as the wolf dove for him again. The dive was promptly halted by a flaming boot to the face.

The poor abused wolf went down with a piteous whine, and Sanji turned his attention to his last two annoyances: the rabbit and the hawk.

_**ZZT!** _

In his peripheral vision, he could see Gin finish off the raccoon with just the edge of his weapons' electrical field. The last two alphas evidently saw that, too; the rabbit kicked a hole in the wall and bolted through, the falcon following shortly behind.

"Should we go after them?" Gin asked.

"Nah, waste of energy," Sanji waved a hand dismissively, his other hand occupied with lighting up a new cigarette. "Let them run off and either raise hell or get crushed elsewhere, I don't care. I only fought them because they cornered me. More importantly…" Sanji eyed Gin's weapons appreciatively. "Nice technique. Let me guess, magnets in the orbs?"

"Heh!" The dead-eyed man smirked and nodded in confirmation. "Good eye, yeah. It just came to me. Amazing what you can do when you really buckle down, huh?"

"Tell me about it…" the cook chuckled as he shook the lingering smoke from his leg. He then frowned thoughtfully. "The name's got me curious, though. Primum, where have I heard that before…?"

"The Primum Mobile, from Dante's _Paradiso,"_ the gaunt man explained with a sage nod. "It's the layer of heaven where angels reside."

Sanji's curly eyebrow quirked. "I thought your epithet was 'Man-Demon'—?"

"Yeah, I completely flipped my image the first chance I got once I broke ranks with Krieg," Gin snarled, scowling. After a deep breath, though, he shot his old friend a cocky smirk. "Anyway. You're now looking at the man known as the 'Empyrean Envoy', worth ฿80 Million."

The Straw Hat's eyes shot wide in shock. "Okay, I _know_ what that one means, and you'll excuse me if I have a hard time believing the Marines would actually give that to you of their own free will."

" _Weeeell,"_ Gin's grin slowly darkened tauntingly. "In all fairness, I _did_ have some help in getting it to stick."

Sanji's eye narrowed accusingly. "Help-help, or Cross-help? No, wait." He snapped a hand up before Gin could respond. "On second thought, I'd rather keep well out of _that_ bog of secrecy. Just… one more question." He tilted his head in confusion. "Angels? From you, of all people?"

Gin slowly cracked his neck back and forth. "Do you know what the first thing angels say is whenever they appear?"

"Er…"

"They always say 'be not afraid'. And the reason they say that, it's not to be comforting…"

Gin tilted his head at _just_ the right angle so that his grin was at peak malevolence.

"It's because angels, in their truest forms, _are fucking terrifying."_

"… well, I'm sold," Sanji declared. He then turned an evil eye out of the room. "But now that that's cleared up… want to go and help me put the fear of both those above _and_ below in these bastards?"

Gin matched the grin tooth for tooth as he slowly started to spin up a fresh charge. "I thought you'd never ask."

**-o-**

Dr. Indigo was a genius. No how much they hated how he used his surplus IQ, nobody could deny that fact. So when he heard the commands that Jeremiah Cross gave to the Straw Hat Pirates and failed to stop Luffy (and 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo, the damn _traitor)_ from pursuing his captain, he knew there was really only one thing that a genius like him could do: flee the center of the chaos and ensure that if he had to fight, it would be on his terms, on his ground, and most importantly, in a way that ensured that no Human Zoans were getting their grubby paws on his precious research.

So Dr. Indigo had arrived at his laboratory mere minutes after the Straw Hats' invasion commenced, and had spent that time ensuring that all of his most valuable devices and notes were sealed away. He might have worried if their navigator was still up and about, but nobody else would have the skills to get through his security. After everything was secured, he finally got around to unwinding the bandages from his head and reapplying his makeup.

The Hollow-girl's parting shot had destroyed much of his hair and left more than a little bruising on his face, leaving his appearance different than he was used to. This and the fact that they were invading the East Blue, vindicating his ingenuity to the world, inspired the doctor to redesign his appearance. White was the base as before, but several black markings adorned it.

His reasoning behind donning it was that he thought it would made him look more dangerous. He was right. With his makeup applied, he parked himself on the railing of the second level of his lab to wait for the Straw Hats' inevitable invasion. With his preparations complete, his wait was brief.

The doors swung open, and Indigo scowled, then grinned as he saw the very object of his ire before him. And with one of his most ingenious test subjects and the two _other_ objects of ire in his life following behind him to boot! Today was actually looking up after all!

"Tony Tony Chopper. I've been expecting you," he said, chemicals brimming in his palms and ready to form into his Chemical Juggling at a moment's notice.

" _Indigo,"_ the Zoan growled ferally, glaring bloody murder up at the other 'doctor'. He paused, passing Perona's barely conscious frame off to Billy before straightening a touch. "Going for the Juggalo look?"

Indigo blinked, glancing into a nearby mirror. "I wasn't aware that this was a style… But then again, one does tend to miss a few developments when secluded from the world for twenty years."

Chopper snorted. "I only heard about it from Cross. It's appropriate, really; he described it as the 'Insane Clown' look, and that just sums you up _perfectly."_

Indigo's anger returned, earning Chopper a glare, but the mad doctor reeled it in enough to change the subject to what he knew would enrage Chopper the most. "I assume that you're here because you've found the sad state of your crewmates. The IQ plants are the only cure for Daft Green poisoning, but unfortunately for you…" Indigo flipped a vial of pink liquid into the palm of his hand. "The only sample of the antidote in existence at the moment is right here…" His grin widened maniacally as he crushed the vial in his grip, letting the liquid drip out from between his fingers. "And now it's _gone._ It took a great deal of research for me to figure out how to make it, so obviously an ignoramus like you doesn't have even a ghost of a prayer of—!"

"I already have the formula."

Indigo froze as Chopper took out a pair of vials that bubbled with milky white liquid. Indigo's eyes widened in shock and fury; he knew that appearance, it was his precise brew of antidote. All that was missing was the key ingredient of IQ that would stabilize the concoction and turn it pink.

"Warmth. Sympathy. Understanding," Chopper recited frigidly, ignoring Indigo in favor of the batch of curing IQ plants that the clown doctor had left out as a taunt, and which Chopper was now walking towards. "Hogback only considered the surgeon's knife, and you only consider the chemist's drug. You've forgotten what it means to be a doctor… if you ever were one."

Chopper spared Indigo a scathing look.

"Can you think of how I managed to reproduce the antidote with only a few hours of preparation, only missing the key ingredient?" he asked quietly.

"YOU COULDN'T HAVE!" Indigo screamed in denial, his already strained restraint snapping like a twig. "I'VE STUDIED THESE ISLANDS INSIDE AND OUT FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS, THERE'S NOTHING THAT COULD HAVE LET YOU FIGURE IT OUT THIS FAST!"

"Oh, but there is," Chopper corrected, tossing a handful of the plants into a mortar and grinding them up. "One thing that you overlooked. One thing that would have let you figure out all that you needed to in less than a day, the same way that I did."

Indigo silently fumed as Chopper raised his head and glared straight into his eyes.

"The natives have been fighting off Daft Green for years. All I needed was to _ask_ how they did it, and while their means weren't the most efficient or the most effective, they were _enough._ What I've made here, it was only possible by perfecting what the inhabitants of Merveille spent _generations_ constructing." Without looking, Chopper poured the ground up IQ plants into his vials, swirled them slightly, and held them up to his eye as the concoctions turned the proper healthy pink. "All thanks to the intelligence and diligence of the very people _you_ enslaved."

Indigo didn't move for several moments. Taking the opportunity for what it was, Chopper hurried back to his patients and carefully coerced the antidote down their throats.

The second the mixture hit the girls' digestive tracts, they started heaving and coughing, feeling as though their innards were being run through by rusty nails, but the fact that they could move or breathe _at all,_ combined with the steady disappearance of their ruddy green bruises, proved just how effective the doctor's cure was.

Nami blinked and gazed unsteadily at her crewmate as the haze cleared from her mind. "Ch-Chopper—? What's—?"

"Stay still," the human-Zoan ordered. "The antidote is working, but it still needs to clear the toxins out of your system. Just let it work and you'll be fine in a matter of minutes."

"B-But what about—?!" Nami cut herself off with a choked gurgle as she noticed Indigo over Chopper's shoulder. "Ah. I see. Right, I-I'll just leave it to you, then." Nami quickly got into a sitting position on Billy's back and helped position the still-dizzy Perona across the giga-duck's back. "Stay safe!"

Perona shook her head in confusion. "Wait, wha—? What's going—?"

Before she could get any further, Billy spread his wings and shot out of the lab.

" _WAAAAAH!"_

Satisfied that his friends were safe, Chopper turned to face Indigo, slipping a gas mask from his pack and positioning it over his face. And not a moment too soon, as Indigo finally managed to reorient his thoughts, and in a _bad_ way.

"…You… You _honestly think,"_ Indigo snarled, his face twisting as flaming bubbles of chemicals started forming around him. "That you can waltz in here and challenge my mastery straight to my face?!"

A look of honest confusion flashed across Chopper's face. "Well, yeah? I mean, I'm a Straw Hat. It's what we do."

Something snapped within Indigo and, screaming wordlessly, he launched every single one of the nitroglycerin bubbles he'd generated at the furry blasphemer in an attempt to obliterate it. They certainly did a good job obliterating the far wall in blossoms of fire, smoke, and shock.

Panting, the clown felt his rage recede, and warily eyed the site of the explosion. As much as he wished otherwise, there was no way _that_ would be enough to take down a Straw Hat.

"Nitroglycerin. Used to reduce heart pressure, but also a powerful contact explosive."

' _Sometimes,'_ Indigo mentally growled. _'I hate being right.'_

Turning, the mad doctor put Chopper out of his peripheral vision and into his main. To his aggravation, the Zoan was entirely unscathed from the explosion, and calmly pulling on some gloves at that.

"How—?" Indigo managed to choke out through his fury.

"You're smart, figure it out," was the terse reply.

The rage boiled up again, threatening to overtake him. But Indigo shoved it down with the ease of experience. He could _not_ win this fight in a blinding rage; that wasn't his style. He needed calm analysis, and some space. Which decided his next move.

Reaching into one of the many pockets of his voluminous lab coat, Indigo pulled out what looked like the unholy offspring of a horse syringe and one of those newfangled revolver pistols, the cylinder loaded with a variety of color-filled vials. With most of his gasses likely defeated by that gas mask, the acids were his best chance at doing away with the pest before him. As such, the malevolent doctor spun the cylinder to the vial loaded with hydrofluoric acid and, without a moment's hesitation, plunged the syringe into his veins and injected the payload.

Immediately in response to the infusion, Indigo's tattoos shifted so that they were entirely transparent, and Indigo called up more chemical balls, half more nitroglycerin, and half the hydrofluoric acid he'd prepared. The acid was launched at Chopper, and Indigo took some satisfaction from the look of shock that produced on what he could see of the fuzzball's face. The nitroglycerin, meanwhile, took out the wall behind him, and he jumped through the new hole, landing on one of the bridges connecting the towers of Shiki's palace.

Then a masked reindeer bounded onto the other side, _still_ unscathed.

"Hydrofluoric acid," the Zoan recited, casually tossing a vial up and down in the palm of his hand. "A powerful acid, _and_ an equally powerful contact poison. Treatment is calcium glutamate for the skin and calcium chlorate for the internals."

"Piropiropiro!" Indigo laughed mirthlessly. "You certainly know your chemicals! And I'll bet you have a treatment for almost any poison I have!" The doctor spread his arms eagerly, syringe spinning in one hand and a ring of Chemical balls spinning to life in the palm of the other. "Let's see if you missed anything!"

Chopper was moving even before the balls lashed out, and they sprayed a bewildering array of substances over the area. More acid, as well as honey and oil, sprayed in all directions, the latter igniting when nitroglycerin and other chemicals burst in explosions or gouts of flame or crackling electricity.

And all the while, that damn _furball_ kept naming off every chemical he used!

"Hydrochloric acid. Less toxic, but no less corrosive. Wash with water _immediately."_

"Oil. Slick, and flammable, but otherwise not dangerous."

"Sulfur. Irritant, pain aggravator, and sensory inhibitor."

"Strontium. Explosive, radioactive, and prone to generating electrical currents. Recommend good pair of running shoes."

"Honey. Sticky. Very tasty."

Growling, Indigo kept up the barrage, and drew a baton from a hidden pocket. This opponent would require something more… hands-on. A quick sniff confirmed that the substance spread over it was still there. Turning back to his barrage, he watched, waited… and then moved. Chopper, who had been focused on evading the chemicals, didn't notice Indigo switching to melee until the baton cracked in the side of the head, sending him pitching onto the bridge.

The Zoan immediately tried to rise, but it was unsteady. "Aconitine," he heard Chopper growl.

"Got it in one, piropiropiro!" Indigo cackled. Mentally, he switched chemicals again, stripes turning white. "I'm sure you can feel the stinging, see the blurred vision! Now, decisions, decisions…" Indigo hummed thoughtfully, looking up into the sky. "What should I kill you with… Oh, silly me, I've already decided! Mass Jugg—!"

"Heavy Gong."

A fist the size of his own head slammed into Indigo's chest with an ominous cracking sound. The clown's eyes bulged, right before the laws of physics reasserted themselves and sent him crashing into the wall at the other end of the bridge. The chemical ball, now with no one to hold it up, splashed onto the bridge, Chopper hopping over the spot to stalk up to Indigo. The clown was digging himself out of the splintered wood when he arrived, confusion written all over his features.

"H-How…" he wheezed through grit teeth.

"Paeoniflorin," Chopper explained, holding up a small vial of pills as he calmly marched forwards. "It has a detoxifying effect on aconitine."

"Th-That's… I've never heard of that!" Indigo protested.

"You wouldn't have, being twenty years out of date," Chopper replied coldly, exchanging the vial for a far more volatile form of ammunition. "It's only ever gone through animal trials. But, well, I _was_ an animal at the time, and my teacher _does_ have a reputation of being something of a crazy old witch, so I _probably_ won't suffer serious side effects."

Growling, Indigo raised his hand to continue Chemical Juggling and then yelped in pain as a hoof came down on the appendage.

"You've lost, Indigo," Chopper stated, as if discussing the weather. "You lost because of short-sightedness, because you shut yourself away from the world, and above all else…" Chopper leaned forward and met Indigo's gaze with his own cyan glare. _**"Because you're simply not as good at either medicine or combat as I am."**_

Once again, something snapped within Indigo. "I will _not_ ," he growled. "Be looked down upon by some stripling _pirate doctor_ barely out of medical school! Mass Juggling!"

A massive, pale-blue ball burst into existence above the two, and for the first time Chopper showed panic, especially when Indigo grabbed his hoof.

"Piropiropiro!" he cackled, a madness all his own glimmering in his eyes. "Time for us to enjoy a nice cyanide bath! Come, _let us venture into the great beyond together! Piropiropiro!"_

And then, it fell.

Immediately, the initial effects made themselves known: dizziness, headache, pounding heart and sucking lungs. Gritting his teeth, Chopper shifted to human form and plunged a hand into his bag, pulling out a syringe that he jammed into his arm, pressing the plunger.

After a few seconds, the symptoms receded, and Chopper heaved a sigh of relief. His eyes turned towards Indigo, who was visibly wrestling with his own symptoms. For a moment, Chopper considered his options, and then sighed.

Kneeling down, he retrieved a canister with a mask and another syringe. This was not missed by Indigo.

"Wh-What are you doing?" the clown groaned.

"Treating you, obviously," Chopper replied, shaking his head with a grimace in an effort to clear it. "You might be a bastard, but _I'm_ still a doctor."

"N-No. No!" Indigo roared. "I-I r-refuse to—"

A cloven hoof slammed into a specific pressure point—read: Indigo's temple—and the other pirate's protests ended. "That's better," Chopper sighed. "Especially since I have to use the _less_ pleasant antidote."

He was left to work quietly for a bit, stabilizing the mad chemist and then injecting him with a paralyzing agent. Then he hefted Indigo onto his shoulder and carried him back to his lab.

"Funny," a familiar voice remarked as he went. "I thought you'd be carrying back a mangled mess of bones and tissue like whatever you did to Hogback. And that you'd be just as raving now as you were back then to boot."

Chopper exhaled heavily, sparing the grinning specter beside him a glance. "Hogback was a hero of mine, and I let my anger overtake me when I got my hands on him. The kind of hatred you feel for someone you used to look up to… it's so much worse than someone that you always knew was a monster."

He shook his head as he dropped Indigo onto the floor of his lab. "If he's a half-decent scientist, his laboratory should be strong enough to withstand the fall of Merveille. The Marines will handle the rest. But so long as you're here, you think you'd be willing to help me get past—"

"Sorry, furball, I've got _bigger_ things to worry about than 'science'," Perona air-quoted impishly. "Buuut hey, since you saved my life, I'll tell your old ship to head your way; she's as good at lockpicking as Nami, right?"

Chopper exhaled and nodded. "Alright, thanks."

With a final grin, the Hollow flew off, and Chopper stalked past the fallen Indigo toward the most secured looking door he could find.

"Alright, now let's see…" Chopper spun a scalpel in his hand contemplatively. "How does that old saying go… ah, yes!" The reindeer's eyes flashed eagerly. _"How much IQ could a reindeer store if a reindeer could store IQ?"_

**-o-**

Elsewhere on the Grand Line, Miss Merry Christmas sneezed.

And she wasn't the only one, either.

**-o-**

" _WAHCHOO!_ Urgh, damn allergies… _"_

Usopp sniffled and rubbed at his nose as he ran down the halls of Merveille. He could do this because he wasn't going as fast as he could; after all, for the moment he was looking for another Straw Hat, or at least another Barto Clubber, to attach himself to. Idly, he reran just how tightly he'd secured the ex-Waver's Jet Dial in his workshop through his head. At least Nami was unlikely to do anything to him once this was all over.

Skidding slightly as he took a corner, he gritted his teeth at the distinct _lack_ of combat sounds in his immediate environs. Why was it that the _one_ time he wanted to run _towards_ the fighting, he couldn't find any?! There were, like, ten thousand pirates in here, and over twenty combined Straw Hats and Barto Clubbers! That he hadn't found something was mindboggling!

Another corner, and this time Usopp skidded to a halt, his mind going back to Cross' lecture on tempting fate. Definitely one he'd be applying a little more from now on, since there was a pack of about a dozen pirates blocking his way. The _only_ way, besides going back. Who designed this place?!

"Hey, it's one of the Straw Hats!" one of the pirates barked, and to Usopp's delight, most of them looked nervous.

"Don't worry, it's their sniper, the weak one!" another pirate added. "We can take him!"

One eyebrow twitched. Okay, being underestimated was nice, but were the insults really necessary? Regardless, Usopp plunged his hands in his pockets, getting a nice, gratifying flinch from the pirates.

"Oh, really?" he said levelly. "Do you _really_ think you can take me?"

"Hell yeah!" replied that pirate, the rest of the mooks responding with a cheer.

Sighing, the sniper dove to the floor and rolled left, and none too soon. Bullets from the pirates tore gouges into the wooden floorboards. With the melee pirates now closing in on him, Usopp finished his roll in a crouch and brought his hands to his sides, cupped.

"Usopp Ultra…"

The pirates immediately all came to a screeching halt, visibly torn between running away or finishing their charge.

"Mega…"

"Come _on_ , you cowards!" the talkative pirate screeched. "It's a bluff, you know that! And that isn't even the same move!"

One last hesitant glance, and the pirates resumed their charge. Usopp smirked.

"Turtle Wave!"

The sniper thrust his hands out. And the hapless pirates had just enough time to get a whiff of gas before the Flame Dial in one hand ignited the emissions of the Flavor Dial in the other. The result?

Instant flamethrower, and a _lot_ of charred goons running back the way they came. Right, in fact, towards the gun-armed pirates that had hung behind, a fact that did not escape said pirates.

"Wait, stop!" the cry arose, too late before their comrades were among them and _also_ lighting them on fire. And, by extension, igniting the gunpowder in their weapons. The resulting explosions were a bad time… well, except for Usopp.

"Don't forget to stop, drop, and roll!" the sniper taunted, diving back into the fray a few seconds later, hammer lashing out and dropping the pirates to the floorboards.

Once the disparate outlaws were all laid out, Usopp raised his hammer high with a whoop of victory. "EAT IT! NONE STAND BEFORE THE KING OF SNIPERS, AT LONG RANGE _OR_ SHORT! HAHA—!"

"THERE HE IS!"

"GET HIM!"

" _Oh crap there's more of you guys!?"_ Usopp's face contorted in shock as he caught sight of the mob rounding the corner and charging his way. Spinning on his heel, Usopp beat feet in the other direction, this time at full speed. Unfortunately, going around the first corner found himself blocked by a wall of solid muscle. Solid muscle that was cracking her knuckles.

"Gotcha!" the female pirate crowed, pulling back one meaty fist.

Instead of screaming or running, though, Usopp reached into another pouch and pulled out a long stick, one end of which quickly unfolded into the empty frame of a large black hammer. Ducking under the punch, he swung the inflatable hammer right at the bruiser's ribcage.

"Usopp Kinetic Pound!"

Said bruiser had just enough time to smirk as the hammer hit her ribs.

And then the Impact Dial attached to the frying pan face went off.

The sound of snapping bone sounded out, accompanied by a "GLURGH!" as the bruiser coughed up blood. Momentum asserted itself, and the bruiser went soaring down the hall, through one of the flimsy rice paper doors, and out of sight.

Simultaneously, the recoil of the Impact Dial shredded the frame and sent the frying pan it laid on right into the one behind it, with the results that both went careening behind Usopp to the tune of squawks of pain. Catching the Dial in his hands, Usopp turned around and smirked at the pile of groaning bodies that had been his pursuers.

"All according to plan!" he crowed, adjusting his goggles as he palmed a Vision Dial and aimed it at himself as he assumed a _very_ cool po—

_BLAM!_

"Right, crowd chasing and shooting at me, preen later, run now!"

This chase persisted, stretching through several more buildings of the compound. Not only did no one pop in front of him to cut him off, and not only were these pirates lighter on their feet than the last bunch, but he was running out of tricks; caltrops and stars alike only took out some of his pursuers and slowed down the rest.

"G-g-g-grrrgh—!" Usopp snarled to himself as he ran, his breath wheezing through his tightly clenched teeth. "What does a guy need to do to get some decent, sane help around here!?"

" _ **Well, if you're**_ **actually ASKING FOR IT…"**

Briefly, Usopp entertained the idea of flipping off the snail and continuing on his way. Then a bullet nearly took his bandana off.

"Yes, yes, I'm asking for it!" the sniper pleaded. "And I don't give a damn just how suggestive that sounds or how you can twist it, I'm _that_ desperate, _so just help me already!_ "

" _ALRIGHT, YOU JUST HAVE TO_ _ **HIT UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A START."**_

"WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN, YOU LITTLE—?!"

" _Eh, I'm_ **just screwing** WITH YA. _**Take the next left."**_

Nearly running past it, Usopp careened around the corner, only to be confronted by a completely unmistakeable dead end. He opened his mouth to roast the stupid snail—

"I RECOMMEND _ducking."_

Before throwing himself to the floor, joined by the sound of his pursuers skidding around the same corner behind him.

_**KRAK-THOOM!** _

That sound was utterly engulfed by the sound of thunder, and for days afterward Usopp would swear he felt a sizzle on his butt. At least his goggles prevented him from getting temporarily blinded. After a few seconds, the sniper slowly eased up and looked behind him. Surrounding a scorched hole in the far wall were his pursuers, strewn on the floor and twitching with lingering… static!? What on earth—?

"Usopp! Are you alright?"

And then he heard a familiar voice and it all made sense.

"You have no idea how happy I am to see you, Conis!" Usopp half-sobbed. It took an effort of will, but he managed to avoid clutching her leg, at least. Instead, he just hung on to the arm she gave him for dear life. "For a second there, I thought that damn snail had rung my bell for good!"

"Naaah, Soundbite wouldn't off you like that!" Su waved her paw dismissively. "He'd make sure there were far more bells and whistles on the ordeal. But anyway, you take care of Conis for me for a second, would you? I've got a little errand I need to run before we get out of here."

So saying, Su leapt off of Conis's shoulder and scampered off, taking the time to hop-stomp on a few stirring mooks as she went.

For several seconds, the two just stared, and then Usopp looked back at Conis. "So! Blitz Bazooka's working out like we hoped?"

The angel-gunner promptly brightened up and nodded eagerly as she showed off the second bazooka she was wielding in an underslung fashion with her left hand, mirroring the Burn Bazooka she had in her right. "Very well, yes! The charge time takes some getting used to, but your idea of swapping the Flavor-Flame combination for a Cloud-Thunder pair worked wonders! Ah, but more importantly…" She cast an analytical gaze over her unwitting opponents. "Any idea for your headcount so far, Usopp?"

"Huh? Uh…" The sniper's face scrunched up in thought. "Let's see… there were a few dozen in that first group—"

"Graaaaaahhhhhh!"

Both looked up to see a ragged, gaunt man brandishing a flaming sword charging straight at them. Up went Kabuto, up went Conis' bazookas—

_CLANG!_

And then Usopp and Conis jumped back in surprise when, of all things, an _anvil_ slammed through the ceiling and fell on the man's head, burying him in the floorboards up to his shoulders.

" _I really wanted to keep that anvil, too…"_ came Merry's whining voice through the hole.

" _Twiage is twiage, Mewwy,"_ Carue sighed in response.

"Urgrgrghhhh," the man groaned, somehow still alive.

"Did… that just happen?" Conis wondered.

"Let's not question it…" Usopp replied, shaking his head. "Now, where were we… oh, right, body counts."

"Ah, yes," Conis said with a serene smile, patting her weapon. "A few dozen, you said? Impressive, though I think I have the advantage. This bazooka has taken down at least a hundred pirates every time I've fired it."

Usopp froze for a moment, then rallied. "You don't say? And how many times was that?"

**-o-**

The squawk of disbelief and sob of inadequacy at the answer echoed all the way in the courtyard, where another brawl was going on between the Golden Lion Pirates, the beasts of Merveille, and the TDWS.

"Did anyone hear that?" Mikey idly queried. Tightening the grip his nunchucks had on the massive snake he was currently sitting on the back of, he hopped off, flipped, and piledrived the snake straight into the dirt.

"Yeah. Sounds like the noises Leo makes whenever Zoro forces him into a spar," Donny replied. Planting his staff, he spun around in place, smacking his tail off the faces of every pirate in a radius the length of his body.

"YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON I WANNA HEAR THAT FROM, MR. 'GOT PRESS-GANGED BY THE MAD DOCTOR'!" Leo roared, his anger transferring into his blades, which launched two wind-slashes that carved a swathe through the pirates and downed a giant, saber-toothed jaguar that had been roaming the perimeter of the brawl.

A sharp-fanged, demonic-looking grey kangaroo took that opportunity to leap at Leo, only to eat a sai each to the arm and chest. Raphey slammed into it a moment later, smashing it into the ground and grabbing her weapons back simultaneously.

"Watch your back, idiot!" she snapped, hopping off the kangaroo. As she blocked the swords of four separate pirates, the beast shakily got back to its feet, only to get smashed on the skull by Donny's staff.

"Pot, kettle!" the purple-clad dugong shot back.

"That's different, Leo got careless, I'm just being a good teammate!"

"Yeah, well—ack! Shell Body!"

Donny soared into the crowd, propelled there by a kick from the kangaroo. That was the last thing it did, as Leo swiped its hamstrings with his swords as he passed, joining Mikey and Raphey as they charged into the crowd after their teammate, tossing about any pirate with bad enough luck to be in their way.

Not that Donny especially needed the help. His staff was a blur, striking faces, necks, thighs, and all sorts of other soft spots. Already, he had a dead zone around him marked by bruised, unconscious bodies, and the pirates were calling up those of their number with guns.

It was those gun-wielding pirates that the remaining dugongs slammed into like falling anchors, Mikey even pulling out his pistols and shooting up a knot of rifle-armed pirates. As such, he was the first one to notice the new problem.

**BOOM!**

"Nori Arts!" he frantically yelped, swaying out of the way of a cannonball that had been ready to take his head off. "Look out, guys, someone got the bright idea to wheel in a cannon!" He glanced in that direction again. "Correction: someone got the bright idea to wheel in a _lot_ of cannons!"

"Dammit!" Leo cursed. "Alright, I'm the fastest, so I'll see if I can go get at the gun crews! Can you guys hold on by yourselves?"

"Um…" Raphey said nervously, her head tilted up. "I don't think we're gonna have to…"

The other three Dugongs followed their sister's gaze. A moment later, all four of them were in the middle of a Rip Tide, and not a second too soon.

While nothing was going to upstage the Straw Hats' grand invasion of the Golden Lion's palace, the sight of a group of mismatched, SIQ-gorged birds that had clearly been tamed from the archipelago's mutant menagerie carrying a galleon-sized ship over the palace was a close second.

Even more so if one were to see that the ones conducting the birds were a young girl that was communing with them without saying a word and the rhinoceros-sized dragon she was riding, whose glare alone was enough to show why the birds were going against their fighting instincts.

Of course, this was leaving aside that there were several others who sailed onboard that ship that were just as scary as the dragon, if not scarier. The birds anxiously awaited word from the tamer below that they were free to fly away and never look back.

The reason that the Dugongs fled was not due to the birds, the girl, or the dragon. Rather, it was the fact that there was a galleon hovering above them, and it seemed as though it was about to—

_KA-BOOOOM!_

Fall. And many a hapless man and beast never knew what hit them.

The TDWS all winced as they recovered from the shockwave of the dropped vessel.

"Soooon of a…" Mikey cursed and coughed in the same breath, waving his flipper in front of his muzzle in an effort to get rid of the kicked up smoke. "Did we just get upstaged?"

" _That's_ what you're focusing on?" Donny groaned incredulously, shooting a glare at his brother through his teary-eyed vision.

"Nah, not really," Raphey assured Mikey. "They're arriving late in the game, after we already kicked things off. They're building off of us and all that, see?" The female Dugong pointed at the ship in demonstration.

Her stance then became a bit more rigid when the girl and the dragon she was riding took off from the deck of the galleon and landed in front of a group of nearby soldiers that had been stunned into silence by the ship's appearance.

"Lindy," the girl stated calmly, arms crossed as she regarded the soldiers with something akin to _boredom._ "These men planned on burning down the East Blue. Your home and mine. Kindly cut loose."

"With _inappropriate_ amounts of pleasure, milady," her dragon purred in a deep, rich and rolling voice.

After that, things got… _violent._

"… Okay, that's just not fair," Mikey whimpered in despair.

Neither Leo nor Raphey nor even Donny objected to Mikey's assessment of the situation. How could they when they had to compete with an actual, honest-to-Sebek _dragon?_

"We're just awesome that way, sorry."

The Dugongs jumped and looked at the girl who, at some point during the chaos, had dismounted the dragon and had walked up to the Dugongs. She rubbed her head sheepishly.

"Sorry, still not used to talking to animals verbally; I usually use my Whisper-Whisper Fruit to talk straight to their minds," she explained before beaming and rocking back and forth on her heels. "Anyway, I'm Apis, lookout of the Barto Club Pirates! I met with one of you earlier… Donny?"

"We got that you were on our side when you said that Shiki threatened your home," Raphey snorted. "Nice entrance, though."

"Heheh, thanks!" Apis smiled eagerly as she rubbed her finger beneath her nose. "But really, it was all Lindy. He's been having a lot of fun ever since he reincarnated and we joined Barty and everyone else!"

"RUN, YOU LITTLE MORSELS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES AND MY AMUSEMENT! OM NOM NOM NOM!" the dragon in question chortled as it chased after a horde of fleeing… _everyone,_ to be honest, wings flapping like he was a titanic, green and furry chicken with a long neck. So, not like a chicken at all, really.

Apis' smile twitched slightly as she watched the display. "…maaaaybe a little too much fun."

"Y'think!?" Donny snapped incredulously.

"In all fairness, he _did_ just reincarnate after plodding along in his old body for the past few centuries, so I think he's a bit high on his youth right now…" Apis reasoned.

The dugongs all stared blankly at her before sagging in defeat.

"It says a _lot_ about the past few months that we don't even question that sentence, doesn't it?" Leo sighed.

" _Yuuup,"_ his siblings all groaned in agreement.

**-o-**

Nefertari Vivi was on cloud nine as she marched down the corridors of Merveille like she owned the place. And she did. The only person who could threaten her was Shiki, and he was busy being chased by Luffy and Bartolomeo.

With that in mind, as well as the lack of enemies nearby, she was mostly ignoring her surroundings in favor of practice with her powers. This took the form of swirling wind around her fingers, which was surprisingly hard. Working with so little air, getting it to go where she wanted instead of the wind's natural tendency to do what it wanted. But she was making progress as she passed another cross corridor, creating rudimentary shapes with the air, and she glanced down the corridor.

"Oh, that's a cannon," she remarked - and her eyes had just enough time to widen in recognition right before said cannon fired and the cannonball took her head off.

For a moment, her headless body stood there, air visibly swirling above her neck. Then the air re-coalesced back into her head, and she gave it a hearty shake.

"So that's what that feels like…" she muttered, her mind still spinning a bit as her gray matter reformed from gas. Turning her gaze down the corridor, she stepped towards the cannon and its crew, who had just finished frantically loading another cannonball and its powder charge. "Oh, no, none of that."

Holding up her hand, air swirled around it, wrapping around her arm.

"Sekhmet's Might!"

At the call, a massive gust of wind burst forth, picking up and hurling the cannon off of its carriage, also bowling over the pirates surrounding it. That the cannon then went off, blowing a hole in the wall, was salt in the wound.

The pirates took one look at the Logia now advancing towards them, and then at their wrecked cannon, and as one turned on their heels and sprinted the other way.

"Hmm, disappointing," Vivi noted, though she still followed them at a slow walk.

A few minutes of such walking turned up the same group of pirates, but joined by a good dozen of their fellows, all armed with a musket and brace of pistols.

"There she is!" one of the pirates, dressed a little more fancily than the others, shouted. "Fire!"

A hail of gunfire tore down the corridor, with a similar result to shooting a shoebox. Well, a self-repairing shoebox. Made of sand. That was alive and kicking nine kinds of—you know what, let's just say not really a shoebox at all.

"You _do_ realize that I'm a Logia," Vivi pointed out slowly, her head tilted questioningly. "So unless you're packing seastone ammunition, you're just waving a fan in a sandstorm, correct?"

The only response from the pirates was to pull out their pistols and keep shooting.

Rolling her eyes, Vivi twisted up another wind, intoned "Sekhmet's Might", and launched it downrange. Six pirates were hurled about, and the wind blasted a sizable hole in the wall. That still left quite a few pirates, albeit very nervous ones.

"Hmm…" Vivi hummed, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "Could use a bit better area of effect." Grinning, she produced a pair of miniature twisters in the palms of her hands. "Time to practice! And thank you _ever so much_ for volunteering! I assure you, your contributions _will_ be noted…" Her expression took on a feral quality. "Posthumously, of course."

If the way the goons all bolted was anything to go by, they were _not_ keen on that idea.

Vivi cocked her eyebrow as she watched the dust settle behind the terrified goons. "Was that too much?"

After a moment of consideration, her grin took on an impish quality.

" _Naaah!"_

And with that, the hunt was on.

**-o-**

In a tunnel network beneath the palace parallel to the plumbing, one of Indigo's more recent creations bounded down the hall with an annoyed, somewhat afraid expression on her face.

A skeleton was sprinting after the beastie with an angry, very determined expression on its face. Or at least, it would have had one if it had a face in the first place.

"YOHOHOHO! META SKULL JOKE!"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP AND RUN FASTER, YOU SENILE OLD COOT!"

Bringing up the rear was a pompadour-touting cyborg, who was glaring after them with a livid expression.

…Let's back up a bit.

The mutated doe, which Indigo had altered at his captain's request a few weeks back to evolve more for speed than aggression, was running because Franky and Brook had specifically tried to capture it, because strapped to its chest in a well-secured harness was Cross's Snail Transceiver along with a vis-snail. And the moment that they had tried to seize it, the doe bounded off through a twisting labyrinth of earth, air, and water that only the Float-Float Fruit could have created. Shiki had chosen speed over bulk to ensure that the creature would be easier to control than his simian majordomo, but at the same time impossible to defeat, or at the very least, to catch.

Franky fell behind quickly as the chase continued, Brook maintaining pace for some time thanks to the unnatural lightness of his form, even allowing him to follow the doe across water. Ultimately, however, he met his match when the doe came across a lengthy chasm, blurred from view the moment she reached the edge, and reappeared on the other side a few moments later. Brook skidded to a halt, gritting his teeth as he observed the length of the gap, and the fact that it led right back to the blue sea. The doe faced him with a look that could only be the smuggest of satisfaction before bounding out of sight of the pirates.

"…Cross will _not_ be pleased with this development, will he?" Brook mused uncertainly.

"This whole place will cave in on itself when Luffy beats Shiki, we'll get the transceiver back after that," Franky growled back, before turning around and trudging off towards the battle. "Come on; if we can't get the snail's box, we need to be out there helping the others against the rest of those monsters." A far more eager smirk flashed across the cyborg's mug. "And I've got just the plan for _that._ "

**-o-**

The doe bounded on for another few minutes until it was sure that it had left the pirates in the dust, whereupon it slowed down to regain some stamina. She also took the opportunity to scan the surrounding landscape for a stream; Indigo's stamina enhancements were effective, but they sucked up water like nobody's business.

Finally locating the scent of fresh water off in the distance, the doe leisurely trotted in that direction, though she kept all her senses on high alert in case the pirates had found some way across the chasm. She only let down her guard when she reached the actual stream; the only signs of life were a flock of mundane seagulls sitting on the surrounding branches. The doe shuddered. Both Shiki and Indigo had had _words_ about the fact that seagulls seemed blithely oblivious to the "rules" of Merveille. Very loud, very _angry_ words.

Whatever. The doe bent down to drink. They were just seagulls, after all.

[Mine?]

The doe jerked her head up, ready to—oh. Just a seagull on the rocks next to her. Wearing a cute little hat, too. Bah, pointless. Back to drinking.

[Mine!]

This time, when the doe looked up, the seagull had produced… a french fry? Held in its wings. All her instincts blared at her that she was in danger, but it was a _french fry_.

[Mine.]

Slowly, and with great trepidation, the doe looked back up at the tree-bound gulls. Every single one of them had its eyes on that french fry. Her gaze whipped back to the seagull next to her, expression screaming _'Don't you dare'_.

The gull tossed the fry right at her.

Immediately, the doe was swamped by what seemed like every seagull on the Grand Line, all pecking and flapping and trying to land on her. Despite the ensuing confusion, she did notice when the weight of the transceiver on her chest suddenly vanished. Snorting, the doe shook off the last few seagulls and tore after the speck of white she could see flying away as fast as it could manage into a patch of forest. Why a seagull wanted the thing The Alpha had given her to keep was beyond her, but given the consequences of failing that psychotic ape, she was _not_ letting it get away with it.

Of course, there was one small problem with that idea: the gull could simply climb above the trees, while the doe had to slow down to avoid slamming _into_ said trees. And yet, it simply didn't climb out of sight and fly away. The answer to this conundrum was obvious: it was taunting her. It had to be!

The gull glanced over its shoulder down at her, and then waggled its tail feathers in a way that was somehow smug. Oh yeah. It was taunting her.

Snorting angrily again, the doe picked up speed. Screw hitting a tree, this was officially personal, she would _plow_ through them if she had to! And even better, the trees were thinning out! Once she was out of this stupid forest, she could bound off one of the trees, get some altitude, and take down that stupid seagull!

Bursting out of the trees, the doe prepared to execute her plan… only to hit a bit of a _snag._ A "pirate mosh pit" kind of snag. And she was currently sitting in midair.

_[I don't wanna be venisooooon!]_

**-o-**

Flying high above, Coo smirked at a plan well executed. That deer wasn't going to be a problem anymore. Now, he just needed to get the transceiver to Cross, and—

Wait. What the heck was that whistling—?

Snapping his head up, Coo let out a squawk of panic at the eagle diving towards him talons-first, and immediately dove for the ground. That action probably saved his life; the eagle slamming into his neck from behind and driving him into the ground probably would've snapped his spine otherwise. Even then, both impacts served to knock Coo for a loop, and gave the bird of prey the time it needed to completely pin him to the ground with a single foot.

[A merry chase you led us on,] he heard the eagle gloat from on high. [But now, your flight is at an end.]

[Could you _be_ any more clichéd?] Coo grumbled, only to grunt as the eagle ground his beak a little deeper into the dirt.

[Right, if that's how you're going to be, down to business, then,] the eagle sighed as it examined the talons on his free foot. [Hand over the transceiver, and I will ensure that you are dead before stripping the flesh from your bones.]

[Nice threat. But I'm afraid you've been _outfoxed.]_

Out the corner of his eye, Coo saw the eagle gain a _hilariously_ surprised expression, whereupon he was knocked off the newsbird in a pained squawk and flurry of feathers. Sitting up, Coo watched the featherhole tumble for a bit in the dirt, before he was suddenly _pummeled_ into the ground by a blur of white slamming into the eagle, again and again and again, until the pompous hat-topper was little more than a twitching pile of broken bones and feathers.

Her job done, Coo's savior strolled up to him with her head held high and her tail waving daintily behind her. Her swagger faltered as Coo cuffed her upside the head with his wing.

[I could've done without the _awful_ one-liner,] he groused, brushing the dirt from his wings before glancing up at Su. [But thanks for the save. Though, how did you know to get here?]

[You're welcome,] Su rolled her eyes with a derisive snort, rubbing her ear. [And for your information, the slimeball directed me this way to get his box back; you actually saved me a lot of trouble on that front.]

The two animals fell silent for a moment, both of them processing the fact that they were speaking in their native tongues, and then looked up expectantly.

" _Head for the_ _ **throne room,**_ BUT TAKE YOUR TIME," the Voice of Audio-God said grimly but distractedly. **"CROSS AND I have never been** _THIS MAD BEFORE."_ And then he was gone.

Coo cocked his eyebrow. [Well, that makes sense…] He then glanced at Su out the corner of his eye. [And convenient for you, I expect?]

Su shot her own clench-eyed glare at the gull, before sighing and scratching at her ear. [Alright, I suppose that's… _mostly_ fair, but!] She snapped her head up and jabbed her paw in Coo's breast. [Let's be clear here! I can be dickish, and I _was_ dickish in how I asked you for help, I'll admit—!]

[But that doesn't mean you're _actually_ a dick, of course,] Coo nodded without missing a beat. [Don't worry, I get it. You'd just gone through hell when last we first talked, you were impatient when you talked to Windy, it's fine. Besides, you saved my tailfeathers just now, so I'd say our tabs are about even right now, ya know?]

Su pawed despairingly at her muzzle. [Saved them while you were helping us out, so…]

[Let's, not get bogged down in that particular morass, alright?] Coo waved her off. [And… while I did decide to help you guys out while I was around, I flapped my way up here for another reason.]

The cloud fox's ear twitched slightly and she snapped as shocked a look as her pinched eyes allowed at the gull. [Wait, you mean—?]

[Eh…] the News Coo wavered his wing uncertainly. [We dug up _something._ Whether or not it's useful, or even all that actionable, well…]

[I'm a Straw Hat, remember? We've gone off of worse,] Su scoffed. [Gimme gimme, quickie!]

[Well, alright,] Coo sighed in defeat. [Just don't say I didn't warn you when you don't like it.]

And so Coo told her what he knew, and Su did indeed not like it.

**-o-**

"My, my, Shiki, you've been quite busy," Robin purred, thumbing through one of the many folders that she had found in the Golden Lion's library. "I do believe that Cross is going to be immensely pleased with these reports on the Blues' Marine bases. With any luck, some turnover of the chains of command will be… _beneficial,_ to say the least."

It did make sense that Shiki would ensure that there was no threat to his military might in those oceans; forewarned was forearmed, as Cross himself had demonstrated many a time now, and Robin had a vested interest in making sure that her foster brother was well-armed indeed. And the details in the folders she read promised to be quite useful to him and his.

"Now let's see…" Robin hummed to herself as she cast a thoughtful gaze around the ornate bed chamber her myriad hands were in the process of ransacking, flinging books left and right and ripping boards from the walls. "If I were a megalomaniacal self-zealot intent on world conquest…" She trailed off for a moment before smirking and thumbing the brim of her hat. "Correction: if I were _Crocodile,_ where would I hide my log of information on— _GAH!"_

The archaeologist cut herself off with a pained yelp as she snapped her original hand to her left eye, which was clenched shut on account of the rivulets of blood streaming from the eyelid. "Now I remember why I stopped using Ojos Fleur in full scale theatres…" she groaned to herself, blooming another eye on her palm to see the damage. She frowned slightly; bloodshot and crimson, most likely a popped vessel, but she'd had worse and healed from it, even if this would take a bit of time.

With that done, she reordered her thoughts and focused on what had just happened. Robin took a swift inventory of her remote eyes, closing them as she went for her own peace of mind. In the end, all eyes were accounted for… except for…

"The one I had… on this room's outer wall…" Robin groaned, dragging her hand down her face. "Oh, this is going to hurt, isn't it?"

" _ **OOK!"**_ CRASH!

Robin was proven right—much to her chagrin—by a massive hairy palm crashing through one wall pancaking her against the wall opposite, leaving her with more than a dozen bones fractured and half as many outright broken. Chopper would not be pleased with her, and it said a lot about both her faith in her crew and their doctor's prowess (and temper) that that was the first worry that came to her mind.

Or maybe it was just the concussion jumbling up her priorities.

Either way, when her senses returned to her, she found herself gripped tightly in the giant fist of a gorilla clad in red clothing, holding her _very high off the ground._

The first instinct of Robin's scrambled mind was to rip her captor apart with a multitude of arms. She barely managed to keep this instinct under control due to the height; she may have the means to slow her fall with her Wing technique, but that technique needed more focus and less risk of being ambushed while she recovered than she had at the moment.

As she ran through her other options, her eyes fell on the gorilla. And upon seeing the look in its eyes, she did the only thing she could at the moment:

"Someone… get this damn dirty ape… _off of me!"_ she shouted, shoving as hard as she could against the iron grip she was in, with as many arms as she could comfortably muster.

" _ **Grrrr,"**_ the gorilla growled menacingly, the other hand pulling back to do… something to her.

"Ahem."

Pirate and gorilla turned to witness a very specific aquatic mammal perched on the larger mammal's shoulder, nonchalantly smoking a cigar and giving the ape a flat look.

"You heard the lady. Let her go," Boss said calmly.

Predictably, the gorilla turned his ire on the dugong, instantly swatting his free hand down on the martial artist amphibian.

Less predictably, the gorilla's palm halted directly before the dugong, whose flipper had stopped the larger beast's hand in its path. Said Dugong now had a vein popping on his forehead.

"Let me clarify something for you, simian," the martial artist drawled. "What I just said? _That wasn't a request. SQUALL PISTOL!"_

In the space of a second, Boss pulled back his flipper and jabbed it forward again.

_CRUNCH!_

"OOGRAAAAAAAAH!" Scarlet howled, flinging his captive aside in favor of cradling his broken hand. Boss immediately dove down, catching Robin in his flippers and setting her back down into the room she had been looking over before.

"Thank you, Boss," Robin said.

"Don't thank me yet," Boss said as he glowered past his friend's shoulder. "Find whatever you were looking for and then get the hell out of dodge. This isn't going to be a one-stop shot; I don't know how much SIQ he's had, but it's gotta be a massive overdose."

The archaeologist blinked in confusion. "How can you be so sure?"

The dugong pointed his flipper without a twitch of his expression. "Because while we Grand Line animals are freakishly tough, _that_ is not typical of any natural evolution I'm aware of."

Robin followed Boss's flipper with her eyes, one of which started twitching when she saw the, to reiterate, very unnatural occurrence which Boss was speaking of. Namely, the fact that the gorilla's hand was pulsating before her eyes, the shattered bones within shifting and restructuring themselves back into their proper shape.

Robin nodded, shoving her hat down. _"Right._ You have fun with that."

"Ohohohoooooh, believe me…" Boss tilted his head _just_ so, letting a vicious glint bounce off of the point of his glasses. _"I intend to."_

The gorilla, meanwhile, howled and pounded its chest before ignoring Robin entirely as she escaped to bring his palm down on the floor. As he had intended to bring it down on Boss' head, this prompted a slow, stupid blink of confusion.

"Nori Arts," Boss intoned, reaching for something behind his back.

Snarling, Scarlet brought his palms up again, and slammed them down repeatedly.

"Nori Arts, Nori Arts, _Nori Arts."_

And Boss merely swayed out of the way of each one of the room-shaking slaps. After the fourth, he flicked his flippers, sending something blurring towards his simian opponent.

That something was his blazing rope-dart, which slammed into Scarlet's gut with about as much force as a Diable Jambe. Between the heat and the impact, for a brief second all the gorilla could do was hunch over wheezing in pain.

It was a second Boss took full advantage of, looping the rope around Scarlet's neck and then jumping onto one of the roof beams.

"Rip Tide," the dugong intoned, blurring out of sight, but _up._ "Shell Body."

Reinforced dugong smashed through the roof like so much sugar glass, carrying Boss onto the roof and yanking Scarlet along by the neck. For a moment, the two hung in the air.

"TIDAL SWIM!"

Before Boss flipped in mid-air and kicked off with all his might. Once again, massive forces carried Scarlet along for the ride, neck first, and when Boss landed, another flick of his flippers unlooped the gorilla and sent him hurtling towards one of the towers… towering above the palace. And then _into_ the tower.

"Hmm, that _should_ be enough," Boss muttered, eyeing the impact point. The rubble there shuddered. "Or not. Sebek's Scale-Rotted Tail, that SIQ is—"

Boss' words died in his throat as the top-half of the tower shuddered, and then _rose_. And with the pink shirt Scarlet wore standing out in the blizzard-wrapped gloom, the cause was pretty damn obvious.

"You've gotta be _kidding_ me…"

With a shout of "ORA!", Scarlet hurled the chunk of tower like a javelin at Boss, who knew immediately that he had no chance of blocking or deflecting it. And dodging would leave him open.

Time to think a little laterally.

"Typhoon Lash!" Boss roared, spinning on his flippers before unleashing the attack from his tail. It worked like a charm, neatly slicing the tower in two, at which point Boss hooked his rope dart around the top half and went along for the ride.

Whereupon Scarlet peeked over the side.

"Okay, so you're not a _complete_ meathead…" Boss muttered. Tugging his rope dart again, he swung around, aiming his free flipper for the gorilla's unprotected back. "Squall Pistol!"

"Ook!"

_WHAM!_

The Squall Pistol landed, sending Scarlet staggering back clutching his face. The punch Boss took in return sent him reeling, a fifty-piece marching band practicing in his skull.

"Note to self…" he groaned, shaking his head. _"Don't_ take hits unless you have Shell Body on. And maybe not even then…"

The last of the cobwebs cleared, and Boss turned back to Scarlet, who was also up and about—and gaping in panic?

The dugong looked behind just as the pillar slammed into the central dome of Shiki's palace. "SHELL BODY!" Boss squawked, and a good thing, too, as the sudden stop hurled him into the side of the building. Scarlet, too, actually, which gave Boss an excellent view of what a gorilla ass looked like.

Grumbling, Boss pulled himself out of the wall, and glanced up at his opponent. "Hmm, attack or reposition…" he mused. Below him, the pillar shifted. "Right, reposition it is!"

Spinning the head of his rope dart, he hurled it up, grasping one of the ledges, and then yanked himself up to land softly on the roof of the dome. No sooner had he landed than the dome shook.

"Whoa! Rip Tide!"

Blurring away, he saw, through the haze of the technique, a massive gorilla fist punch through where he'd once been, followed shortly by the rest of the beast, still no worse for the wear. That called for a change in strategy.

"Let's see how you like ranged combat!" Boss barked as he came out of his Rip Tide. "Typhoon Lash!"

Super-sharp wind gusted out, Scarlet dodging by a slim margin. Another followed, that dodged as well, and Scarlet decided that he _didn't_ like being shot at. Roaring, he charged Boss, who simply Rip Tided out of the way and repeated the process.

This dance repeated two more times until Scarlet dodged another Typhoon Lash. This time, he was met with a rope dart to the face. Repeatedly.

"Got your dodging pattern down, ape!" Boss crowed, repeatedly swinging his rope dart. "You're not escaping this!"

Suddenly, the dart stopped. And wouldn't budge no matter how much Boss tugged on it. That Scarlet was gripping the hook despite the flesh of his hand audibly sizzling probably had something to do with that.

"Uh-oh," Boss muttered, which was as far as he got before Scarlet gave the rope dart an almighty yank.

A hasty Typhoon Lash cut the rope—he could retrieve the hook when he didn't have a 500-lb gorilla trying to bash his face in—but by the time he was done, a massive fist was heading for his face. And he had neither the time for a Tidal Swim nor the leverage for a Nori Arts.

"This is going to hurt… _Shell Body!"_

The fist struck home, slamming Boss into the surface of the dome. Sensing blood, Scarlet didn't let up, slapping and punching the same spot repeatedly. Each shook the dome, and caused a spider-web of cracks to grow ever-larger.

Unfortunately, he didn't notice Boss simply roll out of the way of the blows. So the Squall Pistol that hit him in the chin came right out of nowhere.

Grimacing, Boss watched the gorilla go down again, simply waiting for it to get back up. Even with Shell Body, that had _hurt_ , though nothing that would stop him from putting down this ape. Especially if…

Yes, it _was_ taking longer for Scarlet to get up. Quite a bit longer.

"Like I thought, SIQ regeneration _can_ be used up," Boss remarked. "And without that… well. You're strong. Stronger than me, even. But there's more to combat than just strength." Boss shifted his stance, drawing his arms together at his side. "And I'm superior in every other way."

Shaking his head, Scarlet narrowed his beady eyes at Boss before roaring and charging.

"Six Arts for Six Kings," Boss murmured. "Six Kings for Six Oceans."

Deep within Scarlet's simian brain, he recognized that his opponent wasn't dodging. A small part screamed that this was a trap. The rest just wanted to get this pest _out of the way._ So he kept charging.

"Full Shell Style: Six Oceans Gun!"

Wrapped up in all six styles, it was child's play for Boss to first weave between Scarlet's crashing fists, and then deliver the Six Oceans Gun straight to his chest.

Bones shattered and organs pulped under the force, the momentum sending Scarlet hurling through the air. SIQ-fueled regeneration went to work, patching up the damage, but it was overtaxed by the rest of the fight, and running out of raw materials to work with anyway. Then that whole point was rendered moot when Scarlet hit the remaining tower. _That_ was a level of damage the weakened regeneration simply couldn't cope with.

Back on the dome, Boss eyed his handiwork, and when after a minute Scarlet didn't budge, let out a sigh of relief and sagged in pain, particularly his left flipper. Flexing tentatively, he winced as he felt his bones rub together _just_ out of alignment. Annoying, but maybe he could subtly fix it while no one was—

_CRACK!_

"SON OF A BARNACLE-LATHERED BUOY!" Boss howled, clutching his shoulder in agony. "WHAT THE _HELL—?!"_

"Take better care of yourself, shitty blubberbutt," Sanji interrupted, idly tapping the boot he'd used to kick the dugong's shoulder back into place. "It'd be a damn shame if the only decent sparring partner I had on the ship was the mosshead."

Boss grit his teeth together before slowly looking at the nonchalant smoker and his gaunt companion behind him. His jowls slowly twisted into a wry smirk.

"…Will do, Sanji. So… how many idiots do we have left to smash into pieces?"

"Not enough to make it our main priority anymore," the gaunt man responded, fingering the heavy-looking tonfa he was carrying. "Guess now we turn to the loot, pillage, and plundering part."

Boss exhaled in what was almost a snort, but nodded. "Fine by me; I'm satisfied after that fight."

"Except that I'm _not,"_ Sanji snorted out a cloud of smoke, glaring daggers at the downed ape. "You did a pretty good job, but that damn thing dared to lay a hand on a woman! You should have beaten the gorilla way worse."

"Oh, yeah?" Boss cocked his brow at the cook. "Well, he's certainly not going anywhere. Go ahead, finish what I started."

"I'll do just that," Sanji huffed, eyeing the downed Ape still embedded in the remaining tower. Once he had calculated the appropriate amount of punishment to dole out, he hauled his leg back… and kicked a rock that _tapped_ off of Scarlet's skull.

" _Now_ he's had it," the cook declared with a satisfied nod. "Now come on, let's help our helmsgirl steal everything that's not nailed down!" And with that, Sanji ran off.

Boss blinked after his crewmate before slowly looking up at Gin. "Just confirming, seeing as there was a big chunk of time _before_ I met the band of mental patients I decided to shack up with…" He pointed at Sanji's retreating back. "Was he _always_ this crazy?"

"You'll need to be more specific," Gin deadpanned. "About women, or in general?"

"Both."

"Well, in that case… no. When I first met Sanji…" A smirk slowly spread across Gin's face. "Honestly? I think it was just bubbling below the surface back then."

Boss donned a smirk of his own. _"Good."_

"Good?"

"Good," Boss started to waddle off with a contented nod. "Means he's _finally_ being honest with himself."

**-o-**

Though there were far more than 88 nutcases who had attacked the roaring, rampaging sword-wielders that had come after the highest authority in the palace, the fallen bodies, the many homeless limbs, and the streaks and puddles of blood dying the room red would have given even a certain Black Mamba a run for her money. Were Soundbite less incensed, he may have even pointed it out.

Unfortunately, that furious rage was still there. And so were the enemies who somehow thought that _they_ would succeed where hundreds before had failed to take down the two Straw Hats tearing them to shreds. Adding to the misfortune was the not unsound logic that led them to keep trying: no matter how powerful they were, they could only handle so many bodies, both at once and over time.

And while that was unsound logic against most of the Straw Hats, despite rumor to the contrary the crew was still mostly composed of humans. As such, Cross's stamina was wearing thin, and Zoro…

" _GRK!"_

Zoro grunted in pain as another tremor wracked his body, creating a split-second opening that a particularly persistent spearman shoved his weapon into. Thankfully, it was with the butt of the weapon, which allowed Zoro to dive right back in instead of fall to his knees clutching the new hole in his gut, but the slip-up was blatantly obvious.

" _ **KEEPING A STRONG FACE**_ **AND ACTING LIKE nothing's wrong** _is fine_ _ **when the carnage is done.**_ _NOT WHEN WE'RE STILL_ _ **CREATING**_ GROUND ZERO!"

"BITE ME!" Zoro shot back. Calling up the aura of Asura, he waded into the crowd, the flickering illusion carving through everyone in his path.

"AND AS FOR _my personal armchair…"_

"Kiss!" Cross snarled, braining _and_ burning an overeager mook with Lassoo's smoking muzzle. "My!" He then caught another enforcer's blade with Funkfreed's tusks and used the lock to drag the enemy into a bone-fracturing headbutt. " _Ass!"_ The final word was punctuated by Cross flinging Funkfreed and Lassoo at his opponents. The two weapon animals transitioned in midair into a rime-tusked elephant and a flame-spitting hound, respectively, smashing into the Golden Lions' frontlines and smashing them quite thoroughly, giving Cross the space and time he needed to catch his breath.

Time he took to shoot an offended, if slightly dizzy look at Soundbite. "I'll have you know that I am in _peak_ physical condition, and that we are doing perfectly fine at breaking these bastards all on our—!"

_BOOOM!_

Cross's boasting died quickly when perhaps the worst possible scenario introduced itself into the fight. See, while Vivi blowing the roof off the palace _did_ achieve the desired effect of intimidation by expressed fury, that left the fighters within vulnerable to attacks from above. And in this case, said attack took the form of one of Shiki's more fortuitous recruits.

Said recruit was gray-skinned, bald, and slender, with a moustache that was halfway between imperial and horseshoe, gray beard stubbles, a black and purple vest, a red sash, blue pants, pointed black shoes, clawed knuckle dusters on his hands, and a scowl on his face.

Ah, yes, and he also happened to be forty-five feet tall.

"Mother _fu—!"_ Zoro growled.

"MOVE ASIDE!" the giant roared, stomping through the crowd, heedless of the allied pirates he crushed underfoot. "I'LL SHOW YOU THE TRUE MIGHT OF THE GRAND LINE!"

The pirates who weren't stepped on may not have had sense enough to stop fighting a losing battle, but they at least had enough self-preservation instincts to not get in the way of someone who was towering above them. This good sense backfired hard when Cross and Zoro batted the retreating pirates aside like lint, leaving the area around them clear of obstacles.

" **Still not** _ **worried?"**_ Soundbite asked flatly.

The first and third mates exchanged glances.

" _Like hell,"_ they answered.

Zoro crossed Kitetsu and Shusui in an X before him, flats facing outward. Cross ran toward him, jumping onto the blades. The swordsman's muscles bulged, and with a roar he uncrossed his arms and flung Cross upward - away from the giant, instead impacting high up on one of the room's undamaged pillars. Cross reached out, metal-encased fingers digging into the wood of the pillar.

The giant sneered, betraying his brawn to brains ratio; as fast as Cross was going, either the pillar or his arm should have broken. With great hypocrisy, he bellowed, "YOUR BRAINS ARE AS SMALL AS YOU ARE! YOU MISSED! NOW YOU DIE!"

Then he simply swung his blade-enhanced fist at the smaller pirate, and Cross leapt again to avoid the blow. Landing on the giant's arm, he ran up, reared back his right hand, and slammed his palm into the giant's face with all the force he could muster—

"IMPACT!"

—along with all the force he had just absorbed.

The giant reeled, stunned but still on his feet and not liable to go down anytime soon.

"And _just_ for kicks—!" Cross snarled, flexing his palm again and firing half a dozen more blasts of kinetic force in the giant's face.

_That_ was more than the giant could take, his head snapping back from the sheer impact, his knees buckling under him. Like some titanic tree that Paul Bunyan had taken an axe to, the giant tilted back and collapsed, shaking the entire building on impact.

"Tch," Zoro scoffed dismissively as he walked up to the downed opponent. "Still worried about this wimp?"

"… _ **y'know, I WOULD SAY**_ _I wasn't and never was…"_ Soundbite sighed, slumping his eyestalks in resigned defeat. "IF ONLY I COULDN'T HEAR THE FACT _THAT HE'S STILL AWAKE."_

Cross and Zoro snapped incredulous looks at the snail. _"What!?"_

"GRARGH!"

The giant cut off any response Soundbite could have made by suddenly shooting back to his feet and batting Cross and Zoro aside with a single, almost offhanded sweep of his arm.

" _CROSS!"_ the Zoan-Weapons cried in concern, breaking off from their assaults at the sight of their wielder being sent flying.

Cross grimaced, eyes clenching in preparation for the impact that was to come, but what actually came was most unexpected. He slammed hard into _something,_ yes, but it was something that was soft like a cloud, and yet, at the same time, somehow as firm as iron. And it was massive - and moving to set him back on his feet. He realized exactly what was going on long before he set eyes on the one controlling the clouds, who was standing at the exit of the room where Shiki had departed.

"You _morons,"_ the Straw Hats' second mate scoffed with a shake of her head, not even sparing the pair a glance as she casually observed the room. "Remind me, who's supposed to be saving who here?"

"I dunno," the third mate responded with a frown that didn't quite seem convincing as he _tried_ to push himself out of the cloud, though the 'footing' wasn't giving him any luck, and most likely not by chance. "We're here to rescue someone who's going to catch absolute hell for being a bonehead once we're free and clear. What about you?"

"A pair of jackasses with no sense between them." Nami _finally_ turned her head to the pair to give them a catty grin. "Sounds like we both have horrible jobs, doesn't it?"

"Not as bad as _them_ ," the first mate snorted, gesturing to the giant and the remaining mooks, who were getting their footing and nerve back. "And if you're here to save us, how about finishing this?"

"The bloodthirsty Pirate Hunter conceding a group of opponents to the elegant Weather Witch?" she purred, her expression taking on an especially malevolent gleam. " _Oh,_ how the mighty have _fallen."_

" _The ones that fell_ _ **ain't the mighty ones,**_ **and more than 80% ARE ALREADY DOWN.** _ **YOU'RE JUST SWEEPING AWAY**_ THE SCRAPS," Soundbite snarked.

"Snark later, zap now!" Cross demanded, staring at the pirates who were aiming their guns at them.

"I have something else in mind, actually," Nami said, spinning a portion of her Clima-Tact at her side. "Let's see if this worked…" She snapped her arm up and flung a Cool Ball skyward. "GLACIAL TEMPO!"

_THUNK-_ _**CRASH!**_

The giant was _not_ getting back up this time. Not with a hailstone as big as his head squatting on his skull. Not skipping a beat, Nami made a few more movements with her staff.

"And now," Nami hummed to herself, spinning her _full_ Clima-Tact at her side and causing a new offshoot of her Eisen aura to split off and form a sphere of clouds, the clouds roiling and churning. "A weather forecast for all listeners! Exercise extreme caution in today's ventures, as a wind god has been sighted roaming the environs of Merveille! This deity is extremely dangerous, and has been noted to have a penchant for loosing holy hellstorms of pure wind. If by some chance you manage to attract this deity's gaze, then in this weather woman's professional opinion…"

Nami's face became a mask of frigid fury as she jabbed her staff at the rapidly panicking pirates.

"You are royally _fucked,"_ she declared. "Divine Tempo: Aeolus' Ire!"

The ball of clouds split open, and a gust of wind blasted out from its cradle. A gust so strong, it was like the divine bent to Nami's will: the _entire back half_ of the main hall was blown clean off its foundation, and the pirates along with it. It didn't matter how big or small they were, how tired or fresh, all were swept aside as though some greater entity had just decided to brush them aside like so much dust.

The male officers of the Straw Hats could only gape at the devastation wrought by their compatriot. So engrossed were they, in fact, that they barely even reacted as Nami's Eisen Tempo retracted and deposited them on the splintered ground.

"Ahhh, the _power rush,"_ Nami practically shivered as she balanced her staff across her shoulders, tapping her fingers along its length. "I'll never get tired of it, you hear me? _Never."_

Cross, never one to be left speechless for long, rebooted his brain first. "I can imagine how you feel… but at the same time, I don't think everyone is going to be so appreciative."

" _WATCH OUT FOR YOUR CREW WHEN YOU'RE DOING AN AOE LIKE THAT, WITCH!"_

"Case in point," Cross said as Lassoo and Funkfreed burst free of the rubble that was once the remainder of the room, literal steel in the glares that they fixed on Nami.

"Oh, come on, it's not like you two aren't literally as tough as nails," Nami shamelessly purred.

The beast-weapons promptly reversed to being perfectly cordial, blushing and scratching the backs of their heads.

"Aw, shucks," Lassoo chuckled.

"Well, when ya put it like _that,"_ Funkfreed giggled.

" _ **Morons,**_ **the both of you,"** Soundbite rolled his eyes.

"Morons or not, you can't deny they're still pretty damn useful," Cross reprimanded with a light grin, picking up his newly reverted weapons and sheathing them on his back and side. He then glanced back at Nami. "And as pissed as I _still_ am at you for your bullshit… I can't deny it's good to have you back, too."

Nami blinked at Cross before shaking her head and waving him off. "I'll deal with whatever the hell you're talking about later. For now…" She jerked her thumb over her shoulder, a particularly demonic grin spreading over her face. "Mind following me and helping me utterly ruin what little of Shiki's day has been left intact?"

The way that Cross and Zoro grinned back was answer enough.

**-o-**

Shiki flew down the halls of Merveille, occasionally dodging a rubber fist or busting a hole in the wall or floor or ceiling to fly around a shimmering barrier that boxed him in. Contrary to appearances, he wasn't _really_ running away. The confined corridors of his palace simply didn't provide the most advantageous battlefield against the Straw Hat brat and his unexpected companion. The barriers were a constant reminder of that. Out in the open, though? Well. Then they would die.

The one fly in the ointment was that he did have a few other loose ends to tie up before killing those two, and they were doing a good job at sticking to his tail like glue. What he needed was a diversion…

A grin spread on Shiki's face as he recalled a certain gambit he'd used on Garp more than once back in the day. Yes, it would do nicely, especially since his pursuers definitely took after the Hero in temperament.

And so, picking up speed, Shiki shot out of the palace and immediately ducked behind a corner before stripping off his jacket. A simple application of the Float-Float fruit, and the jacket shot off deep into the floating islands, well away from both his hiding spot and where he needed to go.

After a few seconds later, stomping feet and voices rewarded him.

"Damn! Where did he go?"

"There! Floating off way over there!" A pause. "Wait, how are we gonna follow him?"

"Lemme try something…"

Curious despite himself, Shiki glanced around his hiding spot to see Straw Hat and Sharktooth jumping after his coat on platforms made from shimmering barrier. Perfect.

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

"OF ALL THE TIMES!" Shiki hissed, withdrawing a snail from his pocket and pointing it at the nearby wall. One of his skilled navigators appeared on the view, looking rather nervous.

" _Navigation to Captain Shiki! Come in, Captain! It's urgent!"_

"It had better be, or else your head's going to part ways with your body!" Shiki snapped.

The navigator cowered fearfully. _"S-Sir, we need to turn toward the east! A storm is coming!"_

"Oh, that's just what I needed…" Shiki grumbled, giving an offhand gesture of acknowledgement before making to terminate the connection. Then he paused, and turned a more attentive eye on his navigator. "By the way, while I have you, what's the damage thus far?"

The gulp he got wasn't reassuring. At all. _"Ah… with all due respect, I don't think I can say_ anything _good, Captain. All of the Straw Hats are still going strong, the prisoners have escaped, Dr. Indigo and Scarlet have both been defeated, the snail transceiver has been stolen, and the Daft Green barrier has been destroyed. And the palace… the cyborg and the skeleton hijacked a group of the monsters and have them strung up like… like motorcycles! They're tearing the whole palace apart!"_

Murder sang in Shiki's heart. But he could still salvage everything that he needed to. First, however, he had revenge to deal with.

" _ **Where is the witch?"**_ he growled.

" _A-A-Ah… sh-she's in the throne room with Jeremiah Cross and Roronoa Zoro, but they look like they'll be moving on any moment!"_

"Moving on to the next world, that is," Shiki snarled, terminating the connection and flying back the way he came as fast as he could, barely sparing enough attention to heed his navigator's request to redirect the islands to the east.

The Golden Lion scanned the flaming wreckage of his palace— _his_ palace, that he had spent twenty years constructing, twenty years planning, _preparing—!—_ searching for hide, hair or otherwise of any of the blaspheming _bastards_ who were wrecking the monument to his greatness, but he came up snake eyes, and instead came upon the half-collapsed husk of the throne room first.

A husk filled with utterly defeated pirates, at that.

Shiki's already trench-deep scowl twitched violently as he took in the supposedly 'best and deadliest' pirates in all of Paradise, the pirates he had personally chosen to act as his _soldiers,_ to represent _him,_ laid low by a band of pathetic, worthless, East Blue _weaklings._

"You. Incompetent. _Scum,"_ Shiki hissed, if only for his own benefit. Then, without a trace of concern, he shot his arm out to the side, gathered up a goodly mass of the fallen snow, and coalesced it into a snarling lion's head hovering above the hall.

"I _will_ burn the East Blue," the Golden Lion swore imperiously, as though delivering a mandate. "I _will_ conquer the world! And I will let _nothing_ slow my path! Not trash like them…" Pure madness shone in Shiki's eyes as he dropped his arm, and the lion dropped with it. "AND NOT TRASH LIKE YOU!"

The leonine flurry roared Shiki's fury to the world as it descended, intent on shredding each and every last one of the traitors who had so stupidly _forfeited_ their right to live by sullying his reputation with defeat.

And the construct _would_ have achieved its goal, too, had Shiki's age-old instincts not suddenly blared to life, prompting him to snap his arm out and backhand some kind of explosive ordinance away from him, halting the Lion's descent in the process.

Quite unfortunately for Shiki's fraying-to-nonexistent temper, he didn't have to wonder where the projectile had come from.

"We'd really prefer if you _didn't_ do that, if you don't mind!"

Shiki snapped his attention down towards the source of **that voice** , and indeed, it was exactly who he expected: the annoyance, Jeremiah Cross and his pest pet, the captain's mutt, Roronoa Zoro… and _**her.**_

Before he could deal with the traitor, however, Cross's ever-present leer quirked up into a direct taunt. "It might sound counterintuitive, but the thing is? Our crew _prefers_ to leave our enemies alive. Let you bastards _stew_ in your failure, see? So!" He spread his arms invitingly, his mutt-cannon weighing heavy on his arm. "If you could do us all the massive favor of _shoving off?"_

"Or just lay down and _die,_ if you don't mind," Nami invited with a frigid smile. "That'd be great."

To make a very long if simple story short, something in the back of Shiki's mind _snapped._

" _You first,"_ he rumbled, and his lion redirected itself at the Straw Hat officers.

It was close, _so so_ close to chomping down on them and ripping them to shreds, but alas, not close enough.

" _GUM-BARRIER CANNONBALL!"_

Because he had to suddenly rip apart the snow golem in order to throw up a snow _barrier_ to stop the ballistic rubber man that was flying at him. And then, before he could _crush_ the persistent little brat, a cackling ball of shimmering energy barrier plowed through the snow like it wasn't even there, hitting him full body and jarring every bone in his body.

Momentum transferred, Shiki hit the ground and skidded, the impact giving him something to focus on. And none too soon.

"GEAR SECOND! GUM-GUM JET AXE!"

He got his wits back just in time to shoot away from a red-skinned, steaming Luffy, or more accurately, his sandalled foot, which neatly obliterated the section of ground where Shiki's head had been a half second before.

Floating upright again, Shiki scowled mightily when he found that Luffy and Barto had put themselves in between him and that traitor, their intent clear.

"Fine," he bit out. "You want to die first? I can oblige that."

Luffy glared right back. But when he opened his mouth, it wasn't to Shiki.

"Cross."

"Keep ripping the place, snatch everything not nailed down, rip up what is, then set the place to blow and GTFO?" the loudmouth ventured.

"Go."

"Goin'!"

And with that, the three mates hightailed it out of there. Shiki didn't pursue. So he would be doing things out of order. Whatever. He could take out his frustrations on the two people who had oh-so-kindly put themselves in his way. Slowly, he began to float higher into the air.

**-o-**

'Black Bart' Bartolomeo, for the first time since Luffy and company had arrived on Merveille, felt nervous. The reason was that slide maneuver Shiki had pulled off to evade Luffy-senpai's Gum-Gum Jet Axe. If he could pull of something like that on a dime… well, Barto knew he wouldn't be matching that maneuver on his barriers even on his own. Supporting Luffy on top of that? Hopeless.

"That's a problem, Luffy," he pointed out as Shiki continued to rise.

"Yeah, I need a better platform," Luffy agreed.

High above, Shiki flicked his leg, an air slash flying down towards them. It splashed off of Barto's barrier, Luffy responding with a Jet Pistol. Unfortunately, the punch didn't reach Shiki before it started to arc down.

"Jihahahahahaha!" Shiki cackled. "Too bad, boys!"

Gritting his teeth, Barto jumped up and onto his barrier, then pushed off, cancelled the first, and jumped to a new one. He repeated this the many times it took to get to Shiki's height - at which point Shiki merely floated above the haymaker Barto threw and then floated down and slammed his knee right into Barto's gut. Stunned, the pirate ragdolled down until he hit the ground hard enough to embed his silhouette in it.

"Well, that didn't work…" he groaned, scratching his mohawk miserably.

"COME DOWN HERE, BASTARD!" Luffy roared, glaring hellfire at the object of his ire.

Surprisingly, however, it was _not_ Shiki who responded.

"Hey, ah… do-do you think I could lend a hand?"

Luffy blinked clean out of his Jet-enhanced state as a brand new voice interrupted his train of thought, and he looked up to discover a _familiar_ entity perched on a nearby eave.

"Billy?" the rubber-man gaped.

The electro-fowl glanced skyward at Shiki before looking back at Luffy with a shaky but determined frown. "I-I-I ran away with Nami, I-I ran away at the village… and if I run away now, I know I'll never stop! S-So I'm not running away anymore!"

Billy hopped down next to Luffy and extended his wing, staring upward in fierce defiance. "I'm not running away from my fears any more… I'm charging headlong at them! Though, uh…" Billy shot a shaky sidelong grin at the rubber man. "I don't quite have the firepower for that. Think you could help me out with that?"

It only took Luffy a second to make his decision, and once he did he grinned eagerly and hopped on Billy's back. "Hell yeah!"

Bartolomeo, however, was notably more resigned in his enthusiasm as he gave the duck a once-over. "Eh…" he tentatively raised a finger. "Don't suppose you've got some spare seats on ya or somethin'?"

"Or you could always take your _own_ ride."

Barto spun around at the voice behind him, then blinked slowly, wondering how the hell two tons of dragon had snuck up on all of them. He gave the dragon a once-over before doing the same to the duck, and ultimately, he came to a simple conclusion:

"Mine's bigger."

"Shiki's still un-clobbered," Luffy pointed out.

"Message received, getting on the _fucking dragon!"_ Barto crowed, doing just that. Luffy hopped onto Billy's back, and then they were soaring into the sky after Shiki.

And they weren't the only ones who took to the skies; with phrases such as ' **your master will prove** _ **who is really**_ _the strongest'_ and 'I'LL DEAFEN YOU AT MINIMUM, **and this time** **there's** _jack all_ **YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT'** ringing in their ears, every last one of the Golden Lion's golden eagles took to the increasingly stormy skies, they and their snails submitting to the Voice of Anarchy and ensuring that Shiki got exactly what he wanted: all the world watching him.

**-o-**

"Well, it looks like his monopoly on aerial combat just expired," Helmeppo said with a smirk.

"Feeling bold, Helmeppo?" Garp asked with a hint of warning.

"Either Shiki loses or the East Blue dies. I'm not going to apologize for hoping that it's the first one that happens," the apprentice responded.

Garp considered that… and shrugged. "Eh, fair enough."

On screen, Barto and Luffy and their respective mounts closed in with Shiki, the odd duck-like bird soaring ahead. The feed abruptly switched to one closer to the action, allowing the Marines to watch as Luffy threw himself off Billy, fist reared back. Naturally, Shiki lazily floated above the punch - at which point Luffy spun in mid-air and, with a cry of "GUM-GUM SPEAR!", launched his clapped-together feet into Shiki's gut.

Oh, and then Shiki was squashed against a barely-visible barrier. All present winced.

Billy snatched Luffy out of the sky a moment later, leaving Shiki to try and slice up Barto instead. The attack, however, splashed against a new barrier, and with that the combatants were on the move again.

"Ah, Vice Admiral?"

Garp and Helmeppo looked at Coby, who was staring at the screen in confusion.

"With how much experience Shiki has… he has to have Haki, right?" he asked hesitantly. "So, why isn't he using it against Luffy and Black Bart? That attack Luffy did, the kick to the gut… either Observation or Armament Haki would've countered that move. So… does he not have it?"

"He does, but it doesn't matter."

All eyes turned towards a grim-faced Sengoku. "Everything that this man is doing, he's doing because of his lingering grudge against Roger, his shame from losing to a man from the weakest sea in the world. Now the man who is increasingly considered his successor has stepped up against him… and he's only in Paradise. The Golden Lion has long since missed his chance, in his mind, to use Haki to beat the Straw Hats."

The two apprentices looked confused, and Garp took over.

"There are only two reasons that someone proficient in Haki would use it against someone who can't use it themselves: their opponent is so far beneath them there's no point in dragging out the fight, or their opponent is too strong to win without going all-out. Shiki has had too many chances to snuff out the Straw Hats at this point; now that it's come to the crunch, the entire world is watching him, and Luffy has surpassed any expectations he had. If he went all-out at this point, he might win in deed, but in spirit it'd be a complete defeat. He'd never forgive himself if he resorted to Haki to win against a couple of rookies from the weakest sea, so he's left with his wits and his Devil Fruit."

The Vice Admiral grinned wryly. "And something tells me that that's just not going to be enough to beat my stupid grandson."

Sengoku sighed, removing his glasses and massaging the bridge of his nose, eyes squeezed shut. "So, I'm reduced to hoping that the Straw Hat Pirates, who have caused me more stress than anyone in my life, will be able defeat Golden Lion Shiki and prevent a massacre in the East Blue. I am—"

"Conflicted?"

Opening his eyes to give Garp a glare, Sengoku said flatly, "Too old for this shit…and conflicted, yes."

Garp chuckled to himself. "Well, I won't deny that I wish it was us handing him his head like the good old days… but if this is the only way, then there's only one thing for me to do."

Sengoku knew that he should have turned around and not given Garp another look for the rest of the night. Unfortunately, as the image of the snail was in one place, it left him vulnerable to the sight just within his peripheral vision: Garp raising a large foam finger with "East Blue #1" written on it and his two apprentices doing the same.

He groaned even as they began cheering like cheerleaders. He groaned more as the image of Garp in a cheerleading outfit crossed his mind. _That_ would be taking the place of Akainu taking over for him as Fleet Admiral in the 'screaming nightmares' rotation.

**-o-**

The current maneuvering phase only lasted a few minutes, but that was long enough to take the combatants into the outer islands of Merveille. And Shiki wasted no time demonstrating _why_ he'd taken the fight out there.

He came to a stop, and threw both hands out to the side. Barto and Luffy had only the barest of warnings—the sounds of splintering wood and rock—before a hail of stone shrapnel and splintered tree trunks shot off the nearest islands like the world's largest shotguns. Bartolomeo immediately threw up a barrier to halt the trees, but his attempts to curve it around were agonizingly slow. So, Lindy and Billy did the only thing that would save them.

They went vertical.

Unfortunately, being neither psychic nor experienced to the point of near-psychicness with each other, they went in different directions. Billy flew down, Lindy flew up.

Which was what Shiki wanted the whole time. The speed with which he dove for Billy meant nothing else.

"Shit! Lindy, dive dive dive!" Barto roared the minute he saw that. Luffy, of course, tried to counter with a Gum-Gum Gatling, but Shiki once again smoothly flowed out of the way of the attacks and stuck out one leg, dive-bombing the Straw Hat. Billy dodged - and then Shiki borrowed Luffy's earlier trick by spinning and launching an air slash back up at his opponent.

That splashed against a barrier. But this time, Shiki didn't get angry. He instead spun again, and launched another air slash at Barto. With his barrier still protecting Luffy, and Lindy already committed to the dive and unable to easily pull out, it seemed like he would take the full brunt of the attack.

But it was not to be. Gritting his teeth, Barto jumped off Lindy's back at just the right angle to let the slash carve a nasty gash in his side rather than slit his belly open. Diving down, he reared back his own fist. Shiki evaded, of course, which was when Barto rematerialized his barrier and jumped off of it, planting his fist in Shiki's cheek right as Luffy, red and steaming again, slammed his foot into Shiki's ribs.

The Golden Lion, staggered, fell several feet. But it was not long before he again caught himself and soared around to go on the attack again, large rocks ripping themselves off a nearby island to orbit around him. Luffy didn't wait, tapping Billy to charge straight at him, leaving Barto behind to get back on Lindy.

The past and present of the Pirate Age rumbled towards each other like armored knights in a joust, closing at frankly painful velocities. But a direct clash was not to be. The ring of rocks orbiting around Shiki suddenly switched to shooting themselves straight at Luffy. And while Luffy himself, with his rubber body, could weather an attack like that no problem, Billy was made of much less ductile flesh.

"GUM-GUM JET GATLING!" Luffy roared. His fists lashed out and smashed the rocks into gravel that harmlessly brushed off of both him and his mount.

And then Luffy spun around, just in time to take a sword to the gut, grunting in pain.

"End of the line, brat!" Shiki roared, bringing his other leg around to chop Luffy's head off. Instead, Luffy _caught_ his opponent's leg, and to the Golden Lion's dismay, the grip was ironclad.

Luffy's _other_ hand, meanwhile, was shot behind him. "Gum-Gum…"

Frantically, Shiki slid his other leg-blade out of Luffy.

"Jet Bullet!"

"Comin' through!"

Too late. Luffy's fist hit Shiki square in the nose, and half a second later, Barto slammed into him from behind, cow-catcher-shaped barrier raised once again. The Golden Lion shot off into the distance.

"A third of the Supernovas, the first Pirate King, the next one too, _and_ the birthplace of all three crews that once and currently are _punting your tail!_ Not bad for the 'weakest sea', huh!?" Barto shouted after him.

Perhaps fortunately for Shiki, the time it took him to recover from the blow and regain his wits prevented him from hearing Bartolomeo's taunt. When he had his head straight again, he didn't go on the offensive, or start another gambit. All _that_ had gotten him were two wounds—albeit serious ones—and a collection of contusions for himself.

' _What am I doing trading punches with them?'_ he mentally demanded. Some need to prove his superiority? Raw rage that needed to be expressed?

Well, whatever the reason, he was done with it. Now, he would be fighting smarter.

The facts were thus: close combat devolved into mutual exchanges, something the rookies were… _better suited_ to handle. Because there were two of them, and for no other reasons. Black Bart was covering Straw Hat; he needed to get both at once. And Straw Hat kept charging after him.

Shiki glanced down at the island below. Perfect.

Drawing on the power of the Float-Float fruit, Shiki fired off more impromptu projectiles at the pair. They missed or were blocked, but that wasn't the point. The point was that Straw Hat and that stupid pea-duck were now flying straight at him again. Surreptitiously lowering one hand, Shiki levitated a large ball of water out of the small lake below him. And then, when Straw Hat was close enough, he sped it up.

The look on Straw Hat's face when the water engulfed him was a soothing balm to his embittered soul. As was the shocked yelp Black Bart let out. Granted, the bubble barrier the traitor had managed to create around the two of them, preventing them from _immediately_ drowning, was annoying, but from the water-leaking cracks, that would _not_ last long.

"Jihaha… JIIIHAHAHAHAAAA!" he cackled, floating his way around the ball of water as he _basked_ in the glory of his victory, the glory of the brats' _defeat!_ "You think you can come here to _my_ island, _my_ kingdom, and do whatever you want, hmmm!? You brats! You rookies! _YOU FAKE PIRATES!"_

Shiki's already present smirk widened as the brats froze in their panicking, their attention locking onto him. _That_ had gotten their attention something fierce.

"You actually listening for once?" he asked mockingly. "Good, then open up your ears!" Shiki swept his arms out wide. "Let me educate you on just _how_ the world truly works!"

**-o-**

" _It's really quite simple, you know. So simple even a pair of total_ morons _like you can understand: the strong rule over the weak!"_ Shiki raised his palm before his face, fingers clenching and unclenching menacingly. _"We in the world who have power, we who stand head and shoulders above the weak, are granted this ability because we are_ worthy! _Because we are inherently_ better _than our lessers! To take what we want, when we want, solely_ because _we want it and because we have the ability to take it! This is our right! The right of the worthy!"_ Shiki's hand snapped into a fist. _"THE RIGHT OF THE STRONG!"_

A murderous growl erupted from X. Drake's throat as he snapped his titan-sized jaws at the screen, positively itching to tear his fangs into the real thing rather than a simple simulacrum.

Because right then, in that moment, there was truly nothing Drake desired more than to devour the _monster_ who so thoroughly reminded him of the other monster that had slaughtered the first family he knew in his life.

Or perhaps more accurately, he wanted to slaughter the monster that reminded him of his first family, full-stop.

Bottom line… Drake wanted Shiki _dead._

And he wasn't alone.

**-o-**

" _And as for the weak?"_ Shiki's leer turned sadistic. _"The only right they have is to be_ crushed _beneath the might of the strong! To serve at the beck and call of the ones whom they have no right to stand against, whom they should face with the utmost reverence by having the_ utter benevolence _to allow them to set foot upon their dominion day by day… and then to perish as soon as it would benefit the strong ones best! The world is full of weaklings who will never amount to anything, a waste of space and breath for those who can make so much better use of it. The only worthwhile thing they can do with their existence is serving and nourishing the strong!"_

"That son of a bitch…"

A good number of incredulous eyes turned toward the punk-like speaker. He met them with a scoff.

"You honestly think I can put up with this? Please!" He waved his hand dismissively. "I'm no hypocrite, I agree with what he said about strength. I don't have a problem with killing. I don't have a problem with pillaging and burning. It's how I live my life, and it's how I'm going to reach for One Piece."

Kid glared bloody murder at the screen.

"But… blind reverence? And this chickenshit having the utter _gall_ to _demand_ it!?" Kid's fist split the wood of the table. "Fuck that. I want enemies, or I want loyalty, and both ways, that shit's earned. This asshole? He wants a flock of _sheep."_ Loudly clearing his throat, Kid spat the resulting loogie right onto the screen. "Makes me fucking pissed off that I'm lumped in with him."

**-o-**

" _And the strongest of all in the world? Why, there's no doubt about it!"_ Shiki flung his arms wide with a mad cackle. _"It is us pirates! We, who fly our own flags and allow no limitations to hinder us! We, who cast off the shackles of the world, and are nations unto ourselves! There should be no doubts, no misgivings! We pirates, we conquer storms that send the meek fleeing for the shores! We defy all who stand in our way, be they beast or man!"_

Shiki soared above the bubble, his face a rictus of rage as he glared down towards the world below. " _WE FACE ALL DANGERS WITHOUT HESITATION! WE SAIL BEYOND THE HORIZONS THAT THE_ MEEK _DARE NOT CROSS! THERE CAN BE NO DOUBT ABOUT IT!"_ Shiki shot his finger downward. _**"I TELL YOU NOW THE TRUTH I TOLD THAT FOOL ROGER, ALL THOSE YEARS AGO: THE SEA BELONGS TO US, AND US ALONE! AND I, AS KING OF THE PIRATES, WILL BE THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD! THE OCEAN WILL BELONG TO**_ **ME!** _ **JIHAHAHAHAAAA!"**_

"Twenty years of isolation has clearly not done the man's sanity any favors," the greatest swordsman in the world dryly stated, one hand reaching for a glass of wine. "Honestly… a veteran of the New World should know better than to assume he could actually get away with something like this."

"You know, up until that last line, I was actually prepared to agree with every word he said," the youngest of the Four Emperors concurred, a jug of sake in hand. "But you've got the right of it, Hawk-Eyes. He's completely lost it."

"He lost it when the captain died by a hand that wasn't his, brat, if not long before that," the Dark King groaned into his cup. "The world's just seeing it on display for the first time."

The three men exchanged looks, the same emotions between them, and drank deeply from their respective vessels.

"So, are you ready to set out, then?" Mihawk posed, cracking his neck in preparation.

" _ **SHUT UP, SHIKI!"**_

Their attention redirected at the screen as an infuriated roar shook dust loose from the rafters.

"…Not yet. We'll see this fight to the end first," Shanks said firmly.

"I expected nothing less," the swordsman sighed. "You still hold the hope that your protégé can triumph over one such as Shiki?"

"You just said it yourself: his pride has inflated to the level of insanity."

The younger superhumans turned to the older, who was studiously observing the fight.

"He has the willpower, the potential, and he's not alone. All of that gives him a chance against Shiki."

**-o-**

It happened all at once. Rather than collapsing, Barto dropped his barrier of his own free will, so that at the exact same time, Luffy could throw a punch at Shiki - and to the shock of everyone watching, his hand managed to shoot out of the bubble, grab Shiki's collar and haul himself out of the aquatic prison, laying a punch on his opponent. There wasn't much force behind it, but the Golden Lion's face still twisted in pure, incandescent _rage._ Well, more so than before.

"Accursed brat!" Shiki roared, bringing up one of his legs. Counterintuitively, Luffy simply let go, and then punched the empty air to his left. Those few viewers with training in the Six Powers recognized the half-assed Moon Walk for what it was; everyone else was simply left gobsmacked by Luffy _punching the air_ to dodge. This included Shiki.

That was when Barto and his _dragon_ blindsided him.

Rookie and legend slammed together, Barto's barrier shimmering between them as Lindy gave him the velocity he needed to knock Shiki out of the sky. Gathering his wits, the veteran slipped out from under Barto, only to catch Luffy's sandal blasting him in the face.

Stars burst in his eyes as he flew back, taking the time that he needed to regain his sight. He turned his gaze back on them. And then his vision faded again as a blinding, crackling blur seared across his vision.

"A VALKYRIE?!" he exclaimed, open-mouthed.

" _Not far off, you bastard."_

With Nami's voice in his ears, Shiki snapped back to furious. "What have you _done,_ witch?!"

" _Tonight's weather forecast for Merveille is showers, thunderstorms, and cyclones, with a 100% chance of the entire archipelago falling back to the sea where it belongs, drowning and crushing every last monster that the last twenty years have spawned. This could have been avoided had a certain lion-_ bastard _realized that his navigator was being held at gunpoint to lie to him and lead his base into certain destruction. And now, here's Straw Hat Luffy with the news."_

"YOU'VE LOST, SHIKI!" Luffy roared, slamming his knuckles together.

"You only wish," Shiki drawled, spreading his hands. At first, it seemed as though nothing was happening. Then Nami spoke up again.

" _You… You're lowering the islands?"_ she gasped in horror.

"And you call _me_ an idiot," he responded with cold smugness. "My powers will uphold these islands until the day I die… but I will admit that if too much force from the Grand Line's weather struck an island and sent it falling, my weapons would perish. But thanks to your warning, we are now at an altitude that should ensure that at least the strongest of them will survive. Any further advice, _baby girl?"_

"… _Luffy?_ _ **Break him."**_

Roronoa Zoro and Jeremiah Cross's voices spoke alongside Nami's for the final words, and their captain raised his head with a ferocious scowl.

"You were wrong, Shiki," Luffy said firmly.

**-o-**

Shiki's entire _being_ twitched at the accusation, and he shot a positively _evil_ look at the other pirate. _"Care to run that by me again?"_ he rumbled, a vein pulsating on the side of his neck.

Straw Hat shook his head in disgust. _"You've had your head in the clouds for so long that you've forgotten all about the sea. It actually shows just how stupid you are: you can_ fly _and you don't even realize the most important thing in the world. You talk about strength like it's everything, but it's_ nothing _compared to freedom. You say that the ocean belongs to you? Belongs to pirates!?"_

Luffy flung his arm out in denial. _"YOU'RE WRONG! THE OCEAN… IT BELONGS TO_ EVERYONE! _There's nothing standing in the way of sailing from your home to the end of the world; you're free to go wherever you want to go. No matter what comes our way, no matter how much it hurts, we can still sail on! THE POINT OF BEING A PIRATE ISN'T TO BE STRONG!"_

Luffy spread his arms and bared his teeth in bestial defiance. _"PIRATES ARE_ FREE! _THAT'S WHY I'LL BECOME THE KING OF THE PIRATES! SO THAT I CAN BE THE FREEST MAN IN THE WORLD!_ _ **ME! NOT YOU!"**_

In the relatively new secondary commander's office in the fortress of Navarone, an imposing violet-haired man let out a low growl in response to the rookie's words. The words that, almost against his will, cracked ever so slightly through the cloud of hatred that the Kid Pirates had cast over him, and allowed him to look upon the rubber kid with something other than loathing.

But it was only hearing him say those feelings of the sea, the feelings that he himself agreed with, that caused 'non-loathing' to grow into what he was barely able to consider respect.

Behind him, his most loyal lieutenants had softer expressions as they too observed the fight between the two pirates.

"…he's… different, isn't he?" the woman mused. She rolled her eyes as her comrades snapped accusatory looks at her. "He's still a pirate, I'm not denying that, but…" She jerked her chin at the screen. "If nothing else, this Straw Hat Luffy, he's certainly shown he's nothing like Kid or Shiki, hasn't he?"

A tense silence fell. Then her superior let out a lengthy sigh before inclining his head the slightest amount.

Just as slightly, the corners of Ain's mouth turned upward.

" _You… YOOOUUU!"_

Apparently, however, not everyone was of the same opinion.

**-o-**

"YOU! LITTLE! _BRAAAT!"_ Shiki all but literally erupted, raw fury blazing from his person, glaring at the rookie with unbridled hate. "YOU'RE AS DELUSIONAL AS ROGER WAS! But you know what? That's _perfectly_ alright! THIS IS _MY_ WORLD! A WORLD WHERE MIGHT MAKES RIGHT! WHERE STRENGTH MEANS _EVERYTHING!_ YOU WANT TO PROVE ME WRONG?!"

Shiki put his arms out to his sides, a grimace of pain coming over his face. The reason why became clear a moment later as blood erupted from his lower half where his knees once were, the stumps no longer stopped. Then, just as suddenly, the blood flew back where it came from. Shiki hardly heeded this, more focused on the trade-off of leaving him legless once more; without a flinch, his hands reached out and closed around the newly freed hilts of Oto and Kogarashi for the first time in twenty years.

" _THEN LET OUR CAUSES FACE ONE ANOTHER HEAD ON!"_ he roared.

"My _freedom,"_ Luffy snarled, pumping his legs and causing steam to course over his body as he swung his pipe out viciously.

"My _strength,"_ Shiki growled, effortlessly taking on one of his old fighting stances.

"I'LL PROVE ITS RIGHT!"

And with that, the two shot at each other, each swinging their weapons.

Right from the start Luffy was driven back, Shiki hooking the pipe out of the way with one of the swords and nearly taking Luffy's head off with the other. Only a frantic duck prevented the latter, and only an ironclad grip prevented Shiki from twisting the pipe out of his opponent's fingers barely a second later. Out of position, Luffy had to have Billy outright fly off to avoid the follow-up flurry of stabs. He still had to add a few thin cuts to the balance sheet.

Circling around, this time Luffy went on the offensive, swinging his pipe in a wide arc at Shiki's head. Shiki's swords flashed up, one neatly pushing the pipe out of the way and the other stabbing for Luffy's throat. Another frantic dodge saved his life, though the cut on his neck was still dangerously close to the all-important blood vessels.

"Jihahahaha, too bad!" Shiki cackled. "A sheet of paper more, and you'd have been dead!"

"Yeah, well, I'm still here!" Luffy roared. But he didn't order Billy in again. Instead he pulled back, to where Barto had unsuccessfully been circling for an opening. Shiki, for his part, let him, either confident in his chances or unwilling to risk hopping on the close-combat pain train again. Or a bit of both.

"This isn't working," Luffy grumbled.

"Well, I've got a new move to try out," Barto replied. "Should be able to brute-force through his guard. If you can get him to loosen his grip on his swords…"

Both pirates grimaced in thought. Then, Luffy blinked as something occurred to him.

"Hey, he's probably using his power on those swords in case he drops 'em or something, right?"

Barto frowned, turning that over. "Yeah, probably. Why?"

For the first time since the fight had started, Straw Hat Luffy smiled. It was not a nice smile.

"One loosened grip coming right up!" Luffy declared, tapping Billy and charging forward again, pipe raised high.

"The same thing again? How primitive!" Shiki scoffed, bringing up his swords in preparation for the attack.

Once again, Luffy's straightforward haymaker was brushed aside by Shiki, just on a different spot on the pipe. But this time, Luffy adeptly spun the pipe so that the _other_ end tapped Shiki's other sword.

And suddenly, Shiki flinched and nearly fumbled the hilts out of his hands.

**-o-**

Back on the Sunny, the rest of the crew, who had by now finished their work and reconvened on the ship to watch the fight, had mixed feelings about the maneuver.

"LUFFY DID _WHAT!?_ HE DOES REALIZE THAT ONE BRUSH WITH SHIKI AND WE'D HAVE FACEPLANTED ON THE OCEAN, RIGHT?!"

But with every iota of their attention trained on the brawl, and with the noise of the storm around them, none of the Straw Hats noticed that for a good while now, Soundbite's eyes had been blanked out, and static sang in the air.

**-o-**

Shiki stared at his swords. They'd gotten… heavy. Heavier than they'd been since Impel Do—

Sea prism stone! How had he forgotten that the brat's pipe was reinforced with sea prism stone!?

"Yo, Shiki!"

Glancing up, Shiki beheld a gleaming, barrier-made sword - the size of a galleon's mainmast and three times as wide. And it didn't hide the shit-eating grin on Barto's face.

"Take this! Barrier-Barrier Buster!"

With a heave of his arm, Barto sent the barrier-sword hurtling down. Shiki crossed his swords and caught the blade on them, intending to deflect it out of the way. But they were heavier than they'd been in twenty years. The weight distribution was entirely off.

"Gah!"

The result was that the massive cleaver knocked the swords clean out of Shiki's hands, also opening up a nasty gash in his left shoulder.

As he watched his beloved companions plummet down through the clouds to the sea below, Golden Lion Shiki felt… numb. For a little while, at least. Pretty soon it was overtaken by _blinding rage_. And then… then it passed from blinding back into numb. Oh, the anger was still there, but it was ice in his veins instead of magma.

So it was with calm and forethought that he executed his next move. He stretched his power further than he had since lifting Merveille into the sky, pulling four specific islands closer to him. From the Winter Island, he drew the snow that fell and compacted there. From the Summer Island, he drew sand hot enough to burn and rock the color of a setting sun. From the Fall Island, he drew scraps of leaves and wood, ignited by the lightning _that witch_ had summoned. And finally, from the Spring Island, he drew air, and the cherry blossoms that wafted within.

And these elements, drawn from the four seasons, shaped themselves before the East rookies' eyes into lions of snow and sand and fire and air, nothing at all like the beast Shiki had summoned earlier to squash the witch.

"Celestial Emperors: Elemental Lions," he intoned, before jabbing his finger at Straw Hat and Black Bart. _"Kill."_

Luffy and Barto and their mounts all tensed up as the lions charged at them. The Wind Lion arrived first, splashing against and then around Barto's barrier. As Luffy prodded Billy to take the rear position, Barto shifted his barrier against the Sand and Ice Lions, wincing as they butted heads with his barrier. The Fire Lion followed that by breathing a gout of flame that also harmlessly splashed against his barrier, allowing the other two Lions to flow around his barrier.

"Luffy, you've got incoming!" Barto barked.

"I know, but the Wind Lion's run off, and—!"

Both rookies froze as a terrible thought came to them.

"Taking a few moments to think about it, I realized that I've been doing this all wrong," Shiki said with an icy smirk. "If I'm going to crush you brats… I need to crush your spirits first!"

"The Sunny!" Luffy cried out in horror, spurring Billy on. Barto would have followed had the Fire Lion not again thrown a fireball at him, and it didn't matter. Luffy's attempt to disengage was met by a rain of projectiles that forced Billy to hurriedly change course.

"Go ahead and see if you can stop them. But as soon as you turn your backs, I'll shishkebab you," Shiki drawled, curled javelins of rain and earth floating around him.

" _Hey, dumbass? You're supposed to_ learn _from your enemies' mistakes."_

The grin fell off of Shiki's face as Boss Dugong's voice reached him.

" _Forewarned is forearmed, and in case you forgot, the rest of us are still in fighting shape. Three Sword Style: 108 Caliber Phoenix!"_

" _Coup de Vent!"_

" _Aperitif!"_

" _Typhoon Lash!"_

" _Sekhmet's Might!"_

Two wind cannons erupted from the Thousand Sunny, tearing through the form of the wind lion and leaving it to disperse. Two smaller ones followed, the remaining Lions having enough forewarning to dodge… right into a bracket pattern of explosives that tore the Sand Lion to shreds and batted the Ice Lion around like a rock in a tumble drier.

Assured that his crew could take care of themselves, the panic melted from Luffy's face, leaving behind only the icy rage that had held him the entire fight. "I'm not going to let you threaten my crew again," he said evenly.

Shiki's only response was to hurl the projectiles of earth and rain that he'd collected. But instead of hitting, or harmlessly flying by, they instead hit Barto's barrier - and the Fire Lion still plastered to the front of it. The earth, of course, was no harm to it, but that much water put out its flame with a hiss of steam.

"Ewps…" Barto drawled, shoving a finger up his nose.

Roaring in frustration, Shiki pulled more ammunition from the islands and from the sky, throwing it indiscriminately at the two rookies so determined to vex him. And to Shiki's delight, some of them actually _hit_ , drawing blood as they stabbed in. How? Their mounts were flying slower, and the fighters were less nimble in dodging and deflecting; Barto often moved his barrier off himself and in front of Luffy to his own detriment. Grinning, Shiki upped the tempo, only to have his opponents duck behind an extra-large barrier and charge straight at him.

Rolling his eyes, he merely floated out of the way, only for the barrier to vanish and then appear right in front of him, too close to dodge. The collision was painful, and disorienting, and the kick that thundered into his kidneys even more so.

Whirling around, Shiki did one thing he almost never did: he grabbed Luffy by the leg, yanked him in, and _punched_ him in the face. It didn't cause much injury, but it allowed Shiki to claw for distance.

"We're wearing him down!" Barto declared as Lindy flew up next to Billy and Luffy. "Heh. Good thing he didn't think to just, y'know, wrap up the Sunny in rock or tilt it into the ocean or something. Or heck, he's touched it before, he could—"

Suddenly, a low, grinding rumble caught their attention, and the two pirates looked around for the source.

"What the heck?" Luffy wondered. "It's like Cross' stomach after he's eaten a biscuit."

"Uh, Luffy?"

Drawn by the uncharacteristic tone of fear in his usually cocky voice, Luffy looked where Barto was looking. His immediate conclusion?

Yeah, fear was the appropriate response to someone—almost certainly Shiki— _ripping an entire mountain out of a nearby island._

"JIHAHAHAHAHA!" Shiki laughed, obviously at the very dregs of his sanity, drawing the pirates' attention back to him. "LET'S SEE YOU TRY BLOCKING THIS!"

Luffy grimly eyed the massive mound of stone now flying towards them with deceptive speed. _"Can_ you block this?" he asked Barto.

Barto also eyed the stone, trying to ignore the headache driving railroad spikes into his skull. "Yeah, I can," he reluctantly groaned. "But I'm probably going to be useless after."

"…Thirty seconds." Once again, Luffy bit his thumb. "Gear Third!"

Gritting his teeth, Barto threw up the widest, thickest barrier he could. The sheet of light then folded in on itself and doubled the thickness of the barrier, heedless of the railroad spikes in the caster's brain upgrading to steam-driven piles.

Then the barrier folded in on itself _again_ , making it four times as thick.

And once more, for a barrier _eightfold stronger_ than any Bartolomeo had ever produced.

"Barrier… Barrier…" Barto groaned in agony, before roaring and throwing his arms wide, which expanded the blockade to the size of a small fortress. _"BASTION!"_

The agony was all but literally blinding, and that was before the rock actually hit. Beyond the headache, Bartolomeo's arms were what supported his barriers, were the physical connection. And under such a strain… they snapped, in multiple spots. Combined with the headache, it was a wonder Barto didn't pass out on the spot.

Instead, his arms and the barrier fell, the mountain falling to the ocean in shattered pieces. "FINISH HIM!" he roared.

Luffy's arm inflated, the air this time travelling down his body, into his foot. This required him to hop onto one foot, and use his hands to direct Billy to soar at Shiki… and also do something the duck hadn't done in the fight yet.

"GUUUUM-GUUUUM…!"

"I refuse!" Shiki howled as Billy weaved between the projectiles he haphazardly flung at the rookie. "I refuse _I refuse_ **I REFUSE! YOU CAN'T WIN! GRAGH!"** The Golden Lion clawed his hand forwards, throwing a chunk of rock in all but effigy. **"YOU ARE ALL NOTHING! YOU! YOUR DREAMS! YOUR OCEAN! ALL OF IT, WORTHLESS! DESTINY, FATE, DREAMS!? PAH! ALL DIRT! THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IN THIS WORLD!** _ **RAAAAGH!"**_ An entire cliff tore itself from the coast of Merveille and started splintering as it shot itself skyward. _**"ALL WORTHLESS IN THE FACE OF POWER!"**_

For all that there was a variety of projectiles, however, they meant naught when they couldn't hit their mark. The majority were inaccurate enough as it was, but the few accurate projectiles were easy for Billy to dodge.

Meanwhile Luffy, grunting with exertion, sent his foot into the sky, piercing through the clouds.

And given how the battle was taking place in the middle of a cyclone…

_**KEE-RACK!** _

There was only one logical outcome.

"HOLY—!" Bartolomeo flinched away as a full-blown _lightning-bolt_ struck Luffy's foot, the astral light dancing over his idol and illuminating him in the darkened sky.

But where Barto was shocked into silence by the display, Shiki only got louder.

" **JI—** _ **JIHAHAHAHAAAA!"**_ Shiki roared in hysterical joy, his face the picture of madness at the spectacle before him. **"DO YOU SEE, STRAW HAT!? EVEN THE GODS REJECT YOU, THEY SMITE YOU DOWN! THIS IS** _ **MY**_ **VICTORY! MY STRONG WORLD! ALL MINE TO RULE!** _ **ME, AND ME ALONE!"**_

" _No. Not you. Never you."_

Shiki twitched as _**his**_ voice whispered harshly in his ear, but before he could respond—

" _Don't you remember, Golden Lion Shiki? Remember the last time Luffy fought God?"_

The synapses fired in Shiki's brain, and horror set in. "No…"

" _GIIIAAANT!"_ Luffy's voice echoed throughout the heavens.

"No—!"

" _Yes."_

" _THOOOOR!"_

"Nononono—!"

" _Yes, yes, and forever yes. The gods haven't rejected Luffy, you_ braggart. _They. Reject. You. This is the end."_

" _NOOOOOOO!"_ Shiki wailed, desperation, terror and denial mixing in equal parts in his voice as he threw as much stone, as much power, as much of his Strong World as he could manage at Luffy. He dug deep, he threw it all…

" _AAAAAAXE!"_

And it was all for nothing, as the judgement came down.

Shiki stared in horror as the titanic limb descended on him, wreathed in light and energy. The attack couldn't have lasted more than five seconds, but to the Golden Lion it was an eternity of hell. For in that eternity, he could not stop hearing, and he could not stop seeing.

" _SHIKI!"_ Straw Hat Luffy's voice roared out, divine fury lacing his every word.

Shiki's eyes widened as the axe fell, but not because of the actual attack.

" _STAY AWAY FROM MY CREW!"_

"No… you can't… _you can't do this to me!"_ Shiki howled, screaming at the heavens in desperation. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!"

" _AND STAY AWAY!"_

"NOT AGAIN, DAMN IT!" The Golden Lion wailed, shoving as much earth forwards as he could, trying to block what was coming, what he _knew_ was there, to shield himself from the reality. "I CAN'T LOSE TO YOU AGAIN! NOT TO YOU! _YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! YOU CAAAN'T!"_

But no matter how he tried to block it, how he tried to deny it… his desperation just wasn't enough.

" _ **FROM THE EAST BLUE!"**_

Stone shattered, his will shattered, _he_ shattered.

And so did Shiki the Golden Lion lose, once more, to a man from the East Blue.

And as he lost, as the light of the divine judgement burst through his defenses and laid him low, the entire world bore witness as the Golden Lion's wrath, his despair, his misery, the _totality_ of his being manifested itself in one final scream, cursing the name of the one who had somehow, against all odds, bested him all those years ago.

The name that had started everything.

" _ **ROOOOOOGEEEEEER!"**_

And then, with his pride conquered, everything fell.

**-o-**

It would be a surprise to nobody that the Straw Hat Pirates had set up a plan in the eventuality—inevitability, in all honesty—that Merveille would fall toward the sea. The moment that the palace was emptied of valuables and enemies and set to explode, they had returned to their beloved ship, strung the biggest piece of cloth in the palace that they could find to it, and braced themselves.

To be blunt, 'having the ground pulled out from under you' was an idiom for a very good reason.

"That parachute had better work!" Sanji yelled out in more than a little panic as gravity reclaimed its hold on the land, dragging it and everything upon it back toward the sea below.

"What, you don't have confidence in my ability to sail us through hell and high water?" Merry sardonically called out from the helm.

"My lack of confidence is in the only thing keeping us from dropping like a stone," Sanji clarified, shooting a nasty look at their makeshift parachute.

"Ah c'mon!" Cross cackled with a careless wave of his hand as he yanked hard on a line that kept Shiki's flag secure. "If there's one thing we can take confidence in, it's how much effort Shiki would have put into reinforcing his own ugly-ass symbol!"

"Personally?" Merry added. "I'm not exactly enthused about Big Bro going through that scare that Cross put me through after Skypiea!"

"I said I was sorry!" Cross spread his arms in a show of innocence, though his shit-eating grin said otherwise.

_Mrrrr…_

The tactician flinched as the ship growled. "OK, fine, ya called my bluff, but in my defense—!"

"He's not talking about you!" Merry cut him off with a shocked look. "Sunny just said that Perona isn't onboard!"

"WHAT?!" Nami yelled, shooting a look back at the land that they were slowly sliding off of before running to the side. "WE HAVE TO—!"

"IT'S TOO LATE, NAMI!" Usopp interrupted, both verbally and physically as he Shaved behind her and grabbed her forearm. "WE'RE ALREADY FALLING, THERE'S NO TIME LEFT TO GO BACK!"

Nami made no attempt to struggle, the cold truth of Usopp's words persuading her against her will. A moment later, a firm hand grabbed Nami's shoulder, and she looked at Zoro's unflinching expression.

"She can take care of herself," he said.

Nami cast a tortured look for the shore, and for an agonizing minute it seemed like she'd actually _fight_ to disembark the ship.

And then she snapped her head away and marched back to the center of the Sunny, eyes screwed shut. "BRACE FOR—!"

"Hold it!" Cross cut in. He then readopted his shit-eating grin as he brought his mic up to his mouth. "Well, loyal viewers, there you have it. One week ago, Shiki the Golden Lion, former rival of the Pirate King himself, attacked our crew, stole one of our crewmates, and threatened our home sea, the East Blue. And not even he managed to get away with it; by the efforts of my captain, Straw Hat Luffy, and another rookie from the East Blue, Black Bart Bartolomeo, Shiki and his twenty-year plan are going down in flames. With the East Blue and our crew safe and sound, it's time to head back to the sea of adventure, and you can also look forwards to the SBS resuming its regular broadcasting once we've managed to get some well-needed R&R! But for now, this is Jeremiah Cross!"

" _ **And Soundbite!"**_

"SIGNING OFF!" Cross and his snail crowed in concert as he slammed the connection shut, jabbing his finger at Merry. "ALRIGHT, HIT IT!"

"YOU HEARD HIM!" Gin roared from the deck of the galleon parked next to the Sunny. "WE CAME, WE SAW, WE KICKED THEIR ASSES! _NOW LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! CREW!"_

"EVERYONE!" Nami concurred in the same breath.

" _SET SAIL!"_

With that, the sails of the Thousand Sunny and the Cannibal unfurled, and the rushing wind of their descent seized on them immediately. In short order, the ships tipped over the edge of the island, and for the next several seconds, they were free-falling.

_Hirahirahira—FWUMP!_

And then, as a final insult to the Golden Lion, the fall of the two crews that ended him and his ambitions was arrested thanks to the flags that they had stolen from Shiki's flagship. And as the aftershock of the snap wore off, both crews got to their feet and turned their attention back toward the falling islands.

"Where are they?" Usopp muttered. "Come on, Luffy, come on…"

"Barto, I swear to hell, if you actually _died_ to that bastard—!" Gin snarled around the thumb he was chewing on.

Despite themselves, most of the Straw Hats and Barto Club were holding their breath.

" _ **THERE!**_ **HERE THEY COME!"**

Then, barely visible in the distance, a speck of yellow appeared, which slowly grew into the familiar forms of Billy and Lindy. And on their backs, exhausted from their ordeal but still very much alive, was the slumped and groaning Bartolomeo and the panting and shrunken but grinning Monkey D. Luffy.

"Hey guys! I'm alive!" the miniaturized rubber man greeted as exuberantly as his shrunken vocal cords would allow.

"Why do you say that like it's a _good_ thing, dumbass…" Barto groaned, his limbs swinging lifelessly at his side. "I swear to heck, my arms feel like they're gonna fall off, so if you guys could be _real_ gentle about getting me— _WA-AAAAAGH!"_ Barto cut himself off in a pained and panicked yelp as Lindy bodily bucked his captain from his back.

The Barrier-man spent a second writhing in utter agony from the impact before shooting a scathing glare at the dragon. _"Fucking fuckstupid fucking fuck why the fuck would you fucking fuck that!?"_ he hissed viciously.

"Well, that demonstrates the flexibility of that word…" Robin muttered.

Lindy's response was to flash a cocky smirk. "Cause I felt like it," he rumbled without a hint of remorse.

Barto's responding slew of profanity was without a hint of censor.

A round of laughter echoed across the two ships, relief and good humor lightening everyone's spirits—

"Wait, what about the villagers?!"

Until Vivi's exclamation killed the mood hard and prompted them all to turn back toward the falling island. Thankfully, it wasn't long before more silhouettes came into view, not unlike a flock of birds in appearance. Amazingly, it was by all appearances the villagers, gliding on the air with the feathers on their arms.

"…How?" Carue asked through a dropped beak, his tone weak.

"I should be surprised by this. I really should. Buuut after a few weeks with you guys, I'm not," Perona shrugged her shoulders with a defeated sigh.

"Agreed," Robin nodded in, well, agreement.

"I wonder if I'll be able to do that with my new wi—ERK!" Conis started to muse as she fluttered her wings before yelping as a large, gorilla-esque hand grabbed the once-vestigial limb.

"Not until we've recovered from this mess," Chopper firmly stated.

"Y-Yes, Doctor!"

"He does raise a good point," Su said, flopping onto the deck as she kneaded her paws into her temples. "Now that the fight's over, I just wanna sleep…" She cracked an eye and glared at their current interloper. "But first, care to explain what you think you're doing, Ghost Princess?"

Those who hadn't already realized who the second speaker was turned towards the floating form of the lolita.

"Perona!" Nami gasped in relief, running up to the ghost with tears in her eyes. "Oh thank God, you're still alright! Look, just tell us where you are, and, ah—Billy!" The navigator waved at the electro-duck. "Billy, get ready to fly, we're going back for—!"

"Ah, actually?"

Nami was interrupted by Perona, who'd floated before Nami and was wearing an… actually _contented_ smile.

"I'd… really prefer if you _didn't_ do that? Please?" the Ghost Princess asked politely.

Nami blinked, utterly dumbfounded. "Wh-What? Perona? Why on earth—?"

"And I'd prefer you not do that, because… well, as fun as our time together has been…" Perona's smile became slightly sheepish as she floated back, off the edge of the ship, and in the direction of the falling Merveille. "I'd really rather not leave."

The navigator's mind flat-out stalled as she tried to process just what on earth she was hearing. "Perona?" she breathed.

"Horohoho… what, did you already forget?" Perona tucked a lock of hair behind her ear in an almost _shy_ manner. "I never planned on joining your crew to begin with, remember? And, don't get me wrong, after the past few weeks, I can definitely understand how it could have happened, how in another life, maybe… and even _now_ I probably wouldn't mind…" The spirit trailed off for a moment before shaking her head with a wry chuckle. "But… But no. No, I have other plans in mind now. So… Sorry. But I won't be coming back."

Perona then turned towards Luffy, and _curtsied,_ tugging her skirt out in an overly cutesy display of deference. "And as such, _thank you,_ Straw Hat Luffy. You had no reason to trust me, no reason to let me stay on your ship… but you did anyway. You showed me unconditional kindness where every time before someone wanted something from me, and I honestly can't thank you enough for that. And, when the day comes that you're crowned as King… I'd very much like to be there to see it."

"Shishishi!" the newly restored rubber man chuckled. "Mah, no problem!"

Perona nodded gratefully. She then turned towards Nami with a tearful smile. "And Nami…" She shook her head with a hiccup. "God, where do I even start? _Thank you_ for being my friend, Nami. You-You aren't just the first friend I've ever had, you're the best I could have asked for. And I am… going to miss you _so much._ "

"You're…" Nami rubbed the tears from her eyes with a heavy sniff. "Y-You're sure you don't want to come with us? W-We could let you keep the crow's nest if you want!"

" _Veto!"_ Zoro and Cross interjected.

"Horohorohoro!" Perona chuckled. "I'm sure, Nami. But as it is, I have different arrangements in mind. A palace perfectly empty for me to move into… and a _load_ of cute new pets just begging for my love."

Nami blinked in confusion. And then Perona pointed skyward, Nami looked up, and promptly _paled_ as she caught sight of the trio of giga-birds circling on high.

"Peronaaaa," Nami breathed numbly. "What _exactly_ were you doing during the raid?"

"Ohhh, this and that, this and that," Perona giggled with her more normal impishness. Her expression then softened kindly. "Goodbye, Na— _ah!_ "

Perona jerked back in shock as Nami lunged forwards and threw her arms around the ghost in the closest approximation to a hug she could manage. Once she got her wits about her, however, the Ghost Princess returned the hug in the same capacity.

"We would have raised hell together, wouldn't we?" Perona whispered through her tears.

Nami hiccuped a laugh of her own, drawing in even closer to the ghost…

" _We still could,"_ she breathed in her ear.

Perona blinked in surprised confusion, but before she could do or say anything, Nami hissed a string of numbers in her ear before drawing back, a smirk and a finger on her lips.

The Ghost Princess blinked a bit more. She then readopted her smile and nodded.

"Goodbye, Straw Hats," Perona breathed in farewell. "Till we meet again."

And with that, the Ghost Princess… _dissolved,_ her astral form collapsing into motes of ectoplasm and wafting back to the plummeting island.

Chopper let out a sigh as he kneaded his brow. "I would have appreciated a chance to make sure my treatment was working. Well… alright, let's see what the damage is this time, Luffy," he said, fond exasperation in his face as he retrieved Luffy and laid him down on the grassy deck. "Nami, you're next."

"Right," the navigator nodded fearlessly, directing her attention to the rest of her crew, and then slumping down. "It looks like we won't be navigating anywhere until we touch back down… I think I'm just going to take a little rest."

"Heheh, trust me, I think we could _all_ use some rest," came a new voice from beside the Sunny. A quick look revealed one of the _last_ people either of the crews ever expected.

"Ever?" several voices inquired.

"Who?" was the question that several more asked.

"Ah, she was one of the slaves working at one of Shiki's bases," Robin explained with honest surprise.

"Yeah, one of the slaves who went _free_ with all the rest!" Valentine gaped in confusion. "Ever, shouldn't you be back with your family!?"

"Oh, I went back to them alright!" Ever nodded in confirmation, beaming with unbridled positivity. "Found them after our village was wrecked, had the whole tearful reunion bit, very dramatic…" She smirked confidently as she cocked her head to the side. "Aaaand then I joined the bandwagon a lot of others were hopping on."

"And by 'bandwagon', you mean…?" Goldenweek trailed off curiously.

"Weeeeell," the winged-woman pointed up at the sky. "You see everyone splitting off here and there?"

The pirates looked up and saw that, indeed, while there were plenty of citizens of Merveille circling above the island, waiting for it to land in the ocean, clusters were splitting off and starting to flap away.

"Seeee, we were all trapped on that island under Shiki's rule for twenty _years,"_ Ever explained, grimacing. "Meaning that some people, like me, have never actually had the chance to live _free._ So now that Shiki's gone? A lot of people just want to leave, see the world, and never look back. People like me. And while most folks are winging it on their own… weeell…" She smirked as she folded her arms behind her head. "I thought that I'd save myself the effort and hitch a ride."

"Wait, you want to join us!?" Donny sputtered in shock.

"Them, specifically," Ever said, jerking her thumb at the Cannibal with a flat look. "No offense to you guys, but you all are a whole 'nother _brand_ of crazy that I don't feel like dealing with. I'll settle for 'relatively deranged', thank you very much."

"Preach it, sister," Goldenweek deadpanned as she held out her knuckles to the feathered woman, who promptly bumped them with her own and a grin.

"You've got spirit, Ever," Bartolomeo rasped, pinning Ever with a serious look. "But can you actually fight? I run this crew like I ran Loguetown: I can't let you join if you're going to be dead weight when it comes to combat. Everyone on this crew needs to be able to hold their own against the other monsters of the Grand Line."

Ever returned Bartolomeo's gaze evenly for a few moments. Then she flapped her arms, flipped herself in the air and brought one leg down in an axe kick aimed straight at his skull.

_SKRANG!_

She winced as it made contact with a barrier instead, and withdrew her leg with a pained flex.

"Ffffucking _hell,_ I think that broke my _heel,_ you bastard," she grumbled with half-hearted acid.

"There's a reason I say that they're _indestructible,_ seeing as it took Shiki using mountains to break them, and even then, my arms are what broke _first,"_ Barto snorted with a snaggle-toothed scowl, which he shoved in Ever's face. "And besides that, how the hell do you think that attacking me while I'm exhausted and nursing _two_ broken arms would do anything to convince me that you were capable of lasting in a real fight on this ocean?"

The Merveillan shook out her foot a bit more before looking at Bartolomeo with a pleasant smile. "Oh, no, I attacked because I knew you'd be able to put it up, even while looking like some of the nastier beasties back home had chewed you up and spat you out."

"And if I couldn't?"

Ever rolled her eyes dismissively. "Well then you'd hardly be worth following, wouldn't you?"

Bartolomeo processed that with a carefully blank face.

"…heh… hehahaha… HEHAHAHAHAHA!"

Then he started laughing. It only lasted a few seconds before a spasm of pain cut him off, but the message was clear even before he shot Ever a grin.

"That's good enough for me!" he said. "You'll have to carve your place out amongst our band of bozos by hook, crook, and whatever other cheap shots you can throw, and if someone pisses you off or something then don't bother coming crying to me, but other than that?" He shrugged, wincing his way through the pain. "Welcome aboard, Ever."

Amongst the Straw Hats, Sanji chewed on his cigarette doubtfully as he leaned in close to Robin. "Nnnooot to tell somebody how to live their life, but… she _is_ a beautiful young girl with limited life experience signing on with one of the roughest and most certifiable crews alive. Shouldn't we… I don't know, say something?"

Robin made to answer, but was cut off by Ever leaping onto the Sunny's railing and shooting her fist in the air.

"LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME, BITCHES!" she crowed, basking in the round of boisterous cheers that erupted from the Cannibals.

Robin let a playful smile play across her face. "Counterpoint," she purred. "She's a young girl whose _entire_ life experience comes from serving as a waitress in a pirate bar. I think she'll be just fine." She patted Sanji on the cheek as she walked off. "It's cute of you to act so concerned, though."

Sanji's head hung with a groan. "On the one hand, I love being touched by a beautiful woman. On the other, even _I_ can't just brush off being stepped on _that_ badly…"

"If you've gotten over that by tomorrow, Sanji, I need to talk to you about something," Cross said, tilting his hat over his eyes as he reclined on the grassy lawn, armor shed beside him. "You too, Donny."

"Huh? Uh… OK?" the Dugong in question agreed before returning to resting with his siblings.

"HEY, LOOK! IT'S THE MARINES!" Apis called.

All eyes turned downward, where a fleet of battleships could be seen turned toward where the ruins of Merveille were settling.

"Oh, this should be good," Barto leered viciously. "What do you say to a little taunting about beating them to the—?"

"No."

All eyes snapped toward the supine rubber man, who had a firm frown on his face.

"What do you mean, 'no'?"

"They came here to stop Shiki. They came here to fight for the East Blue. They came here to fight for the same reason that we were fighting." Luffy closed his eyes. "We would have been on the same side. Why would we make fun of them for wanting to help save our home?"

"…There he goes making _way_ too much sense again," Usopp heaved his shoulders in a sigh. "But hey, if they leave us alone, then—!"

_BOOM!_

All attention snapped back down below, and Usopp brought down his goggles to see what happened.

"…Kind of anticlimactic. Yes, they're firing at us, but we're still too high for their cannonballs to reach us," he said.

" **MEEHH,** _ **and we're not close enough for**_ **me to taunt anyone** _anyway,"_ Soundbite crossed his eyestalks in consternation. "SOOO FRUSTRATING!"

"Eh, I don't mind it," Merry yawned, idly steering the Sunny with a few stray taps on the woodwork. "We've kicked enough ass and torn apart enough psyche for tonight. Let's just enjoy the trip down…" She hopped up onto the nearest railing and leaned back on her palms as she gazed out at the horizon, a lazy smile on her face. "Man… never thought I'd ever be lucky enough to see this again."

Everyone else stilled at the musing, and the crews all wandered over to gaze over the edge and off into the distance.

"This _is_ impressive," Mr. 5 whistled, eyeing the ocean below. "I guess you see this all the time, Miss Valentine?"

"Hmhm," Valentine giggled, leaning on her umbrella. "This a whole different scale, Mr. 5."

With that, the two crews eased into relaxation. Which, for the Straw Hats, soon turned into rest, which just as quickly turned into straight out collapsing so that they could sleep off the fatigue of the last week and the final fight against Shiki. This, in turn, led to no small amount of panic from their erstwhile travel companions.

As ever and always, not a quiet moment on the deck of the Thousand Sunny.

**-o-**

A few hours later, on an uninhabited island not far from the ruins of Merveille, a bloodied, legless form cracked open a bloodshot eye. Ragged gasps tore out of his throat as consciousness rudely intruded. Memories of recent events coalesced in his mind, and as he felt the stumps where his legs once were, now bereft of his precious swords, hatred crystallized in his heart.

"Monkey D. Luffy," he snarled, forcing himself upright. "I've lost everything to another rookie from the East Blue… no."

A mirthless smile came over his face. "No… I still have my powers. That's all I need. I'll take the time I need to clean my wounds."

He turned his gaze upward. "I'll fly to the White-White Sea, nobody will be able to find me there. I'll form a new plan, new weapons, a new army… and next time, I'll break his _spirit_ first. I'll find his _home_ , and I'll _slaughter_ those he cares about most! Ji… JIHAHAHA! _JIHAHAHAHAAAA!"_ Shiki threw his head back and roared with laughter, heedless of the blood he was hurling with every guffaw. "I HAVEN'T LOST YET! I'LL HAVE MY REVENGE! I'LL BE BACK! _DO YOU HEAR ME!? I'LL BE—!"_

"You shall not, cretin."

_**CRACK!** _

A Haki-enforced heel slammed into his skull, sending Shiki back into blissful unconsciousness. A red and white serpent bound him in its coils before moving back toward its master, who had a Transponder Snail out and in her palm.

"Fleet Admiral Sengoku, I have located the fallen form of Shiki the Golden Lion," Pirate Empress Boa Hancock announced with a prim sniff. "And quite fortunately for your Government's reputation, he is still alive; you may retrieve him and do with him whatever you will."

The line was silent for a few moments, the snail's expression slightly wide-eyed. Then…

"… _I am grateful for your assistance, Boa Hancock. But I thought you generally made it a rule to not care about anything outside the Calm Belt?"_

Hancock tossed her hair dismissively. "I decided to make an exception."

" _That's the best I'm getting out of you, isn't it?"_ Sengoku sighed, grimacing. He forged on before she could reply. _"And if I asked you to extend that 'exception' to the Straw Hats?"_

_KA-LICK!_

Hancock smirked as she pressed her finger into the receiver's cradle. "I suspect that _that_ will suffice as answer enough."

"Honestly, some men, they just can't be satisfied with what they get, can they?" Marguerite sighed wistfully.

"Indeed, indeed," Marigold snickered before giving her sibling a contemplative look. "Though… I _am_ curious, sister. Why _did_ you decide to intervene, when we never have before?"

"Did you not hear me, Mari?" Hancock raised her chin as she strutted past her larger sibling, Salome at her heels. "I decided to make an exception. But, quite unlike what Sengoku believes, I did _not_ make this exception for the sake of _this,"_ she sneered as she snapped a kick across her captive's jaw. "Pathetic wretch. Rather…"

Boa Hancock turned her gaze skyward, smiling fondly as she recalled the sight of a pair of ships gliding into the sunset as she had seen a time ago.

"I made an exception," she breathed warmly. "For the sake of an exceptional man."

**Cross-Brain AN: Our sincerest apologies, ladies and gentlemen, but we will be ending the chapter here. We intended to finish Strong World with this, but the aftermath is shaping up to be much longer than we expected. But you can't be too mad as us since we got all of the action out of the way first, right? In any case, it shouldn't take too much longer for us to finish up part 4, which** _**will** _ **be the final part before we move to the last pre-time skip saga.**

**Also, here's a tidbit: hidden in this chapter are expies to the original work that we, the Cross-Brain, will be working on during our hiatus! Locate them if you can, and look forward to our work!**

**Patient AN: And if you were wondering about Hornet's AN from part 1? We were referring to Perona joining the crew. Don't get us wrong, Ego and I both wanted her to join… but at this point, we need to be very selective about whom we add to the crew, and Perona just doesn't add enough. We do have other plans for her, though… and you've probably already guessed what they are.**

**Ah, yes, and one more important matter: credit for the analyzation of Indigo's Chemical Juggling and the mechanics of the subsequent fight scene belongs to the love of my life, the amazing Vikingr.**


	11. Chapter 11

### Chapter 66: Chapter 58 - Strong World Aftermath

### Chapter Text

**Cross-Brain AN: We were going for a double, but with the unexpected and** _**very** _**well done omake posted by storysmith112358 on SpaceBattles… LET'S CALL IT A SECOND TRIPLE-TAP!**

…

**Though unfortunately, we already have plans made for Sabaody and the events leading up to it, such that we're not able to change things and make it fit into the story.**

**Patient AN: On another note, remember when we said you probably already know what we have planned for Perona? Well… we thought of something else while writing this chapter. Let's see if any of you guessed it.**

If Shiki'd had any brainpower to spare for the Straw Hats the day after his defeat, he would have been livid to see that, quite unlike Alabasta or Enies Lobby, the full force of his assembled armies hadn't managed to inflict enough damage and fatigue to keep the Straw Hats down past a good night's rest. With two exceptions: Bartolomeo was still recovering and would be without use of his arms for the foreseeable future, and Luffy was under doctor's orders to take it easy, but that was it.

That meant that when the sun rose the next morning, there were now two infamous ships with two infamous crews sailing alongside each other toward the end of Paradise, with two individuals from Merveille sticking around. Heaven help whoever got in their way, because no earthly power was going to.

On the Cannibal, Ever was having trouble establishing her place in the Barto Club for lack of specialty. It wasn't a _huge_ deal, of course, her crewmates were perfectly welcoming, but… well, it was a rare individual who was happy to live the pirate life as a grunt.

Meanwhile, on the Thousand Sunny, the situation was being handled a bit more smoothly.

" _No,_ you are _not_ going back, do you hear me?" Nami ground out, her foot tapping impatiently on the lawn. "You are parking your feathery ass right here and staying with us, got it?"

… _Relatively_ more smoothly.

"B-B-But!" the electro-duck blubbered, flapping his wings uselessly. "I-I'm a coward, I'm ham-beaked, I've never left Merveille, I don't know most of you! I-I'd just weigh you down, g-get you in trouble and—!"

_CLONK!_

Billy ducked his head with a pained whimper, wings nursing the fresh lump growing on his skull. "Awawah…"

" _Billy,"_ Nami stated, leaning in close to the fowl's head. "You might have run at first, but that doesn't matter because then you came _back._ You came back, you helped us when we really needed it, and you even helped Luffy beat Shiki. Heck, I'd go as far as to say you're one of the biggest reasons we won."

"Also, having more emergency food supplies won't hurt," Sanji added as he strolled by, a fresh bag of food on his shoulders.

_**ZZT!** _

And then down he went, smoking from more than just his mouth with a bag of _deep-fried_ supplies on his shoulder.

"Ignore that idiot," Nami sighed, not missing a beat. "The point is, you came back to help, so all of those things you listed? They're irrelevant, as far as I care. So you're going nowhere, got it?"

"Quaaa…" Billy squirmed uncertainly. "And… if I actually wanted to go?"

Nami donned a catty grin. "Then I'd shanghai you, regardless of whether you wanted to stay or not. After all, we _are_ still pirates!"

Billy stewed that over for a second before giving her a shaky grin. "Then in that case… I suppose I might as well go along with you, huh?"

"Got it in one!" Nami chuckled in agreement, reaching out to ruffle his comb. "Now, if I let you go, are you going to go flapping for the horizon?"

"Nah, I won't."

"Good," the navigator nodded, removing the cloud she'd been using to pin Billy's tail and waving for him to follow her. "Now c'mon, let's see about getting you a cool saddle like Carue, alright? I've even got an idea or two for it."

"Okay!" The duck perked up eagerly, waddling after his new best friend.

Nami, however, was obviously in no hurry to go, and took a second to glance around the deck before reluctantly heading out into plain view. While most of her crewmates were out and about and treating her like normal, having apparently had the patience to hear her message through to the end, Nami had yet to locate the three dunderheads who, as far as she could tell, _hadn't_. But as reluctant as she was to face that particular firing squad, she couldn't very well leave her newest friend (her own _animal companion!_ It was taking all she had to keep from bursting out into ecstatic squees!) twisting in the wind either.

As such, she set out across the deck and strode, with confidence, to the Sunny's pavilion, already a center of activity. Once they'd all rested up, Merry had unloaded the _prodigious_ amount of loot that she'd filched from Shiki's palace. While the vast majority was mundane odds and ends of varying usefulness that Merry had stolen in the throes of a thieving spree that Nami recognized from her own youth, there was a sizable pile of gold—another 100 million at face value, probably more once appraised—and a massive cache of weapons that Usopp, Lassoo, Mikey, Franky, and Merry were excitedly poring over. Conis was standing off to the side, mostly succeeding in concealing her own excitement.

"Enjoying yourselves, I take it?" Nami chuckled.

"Soooo tempted to dry-hump!" Lassoo panted eagerly as he nuzzled up against a particularly large-bore rifle.

"Do it and I'll neuter you!" Usopp snapped, jabbing a wrench at the hound.

"Down boys, don't make me separate you," Conis chided, her hands continuing to polish her recently modified bazooka.

"Take it as a yes," Franky chuckled, nodding at Nami. "So, anything we can help you with, Big Sis?"

"Mm-hm!" Nami hummed, jabbing her thumb at Billy. "Seeing as I've gotten myself a mount to match Carue, I'm going to need a saddle, too. Insulated against electricity and heat, of course. Aaaand while I'm talking mounts…" She grimaced uncomfortably. "My Waver. How likely…?"

"Well, I _could_ rebuild it, but it'd take a lot of time and effort, we'd have start from scratch… a _better_ option would be another idea of mine, putting the two projects together," Usopp suggested, looking at Nami with a glint and a grin. "I've been working on the plans for Carue anyway, and I think that you'll really like them. That work for you?"

Nami glanced back at Billy, and nodded when he nodded. "That's fine, do it… _after_ I examine every last page of the blueprints."

Usopp ground his palm into his forehead. " _Why_ can you not let that go?" Usopp groused. "And by the way, _this time_ , make sure you actually pay me _upfront_ before I get more than halfway through this thing!"

"I'll take it into consideration," Nami muttered, before casting her eyes over the rest of the assembled arsenal. "So… any stand-out pieces in all this hardware? Besides the obvious, I mean," she added, raising an eyebrow at the sight of Merry _cuddling_ the rotary gun she'd yet to let go of. Actually, she had yet to change out of the outfit she'd donned as they charged the palace, too. From the way she'd tossed it right back on after it was washed, where everyone else stored theirs away, chances were it would be replacing her raincoat and leggings as her normal attire.

"The obvious is all we need!" Merry squeed, hefting the massive hunk of metal above her head. "Do you know what this is? _This_ is the M66 JINGO rotary cannon. It is one of _the_ top firearms in all the six seas, _and_ it's going to be my new main _weapon, eeee!"_

"Uhhh… seriously?" Nami questioned incredulously. "I mean, that thing's twice your size, isn't it?"

Merry's expression flattened. "You _do_ see me holding it above my head like it was made of cardboard, right?"

"Aheh, r-right…"

"It _is_ actually the perfect weapon for her, sis," Franky interjected with a big grin. "She can handle the firepower without flinching, and with a few mods from yours truly, it'll be a hell of a blunt instrument for cracking skulls too. Cool, huh?"

"Mm… well— _wait,"_ Nami cut herself off mid-sentence, narrowing her eyes accusingly at the rotary gun's ammo drum. The _very large_ ammo drum. "I might not know a lot about guns, but what I _do_ know is that guns only take ammunition that works for them. And I'm guessing that a gun like that does _not_ pack normal ammunition. How many beris does a cannon like that suck down?"

Cold sweat suddenly glistened on Merry's forehead complete with an inability to meet Nami's gaze. "Uhhh… I-I don't—"

"Let's see," Conis tapped her chin thoughtfully, completely missing the panicked look Merry snapped at her. "From what I remember, the M66 JINGO weighs one hundred fifty kilograms and fires twenty-thousand beri, custom-tooled cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute. So by my calculations…" The angel counted down on her fingers before nodding. "It costs forty million beris to fire this weapon for twelve seconds."

One silent second later, Conis blanched as she realized what she'd just said. "Oooooh dear."

" _RAAAAGH!"_ Nami loosed a possessed _howl,_ grabbing the gun from Merry's hands with her Eisen Tempo and hauling back to throw it as far as she could manage. "DIE, EVIL THING!"

" _MINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINE_ _ **MIIIIIIINE!"**_ Merry declared, grabbing back the cannon from the cloud's clutches and shoving it inside her coat the moment that she had it in her grip again. She then began running around the deck. A prudent move considering that Nami was after her, iron hands outstretched and grasping furiously.

"GIVE ME THAT METAL MONSTER SO THAT I CAN DROWN IT, _RIGHT THE HELL NOW!"_ Nami screeched.

"NOT ON YOUR LIFE, BITCH!" the ship-girl shot back. "YOU'RE NOT TAKING MY TICKET TO BADASSITUDE!"

"AND _YOU'RE_ NOT GOING TO USE SOMETHING THAT'LL EAT THROUGH OUR COFFERS FASTER THAN LUFFY AT AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET!" the navigator-cum-treasurer spat. "WE ONLY MISSED THE POORHOUSE ON WATER SEVEN THANKS TO CROSS'S KNOWLEDGE, I'M NOT LETTING YOU LAND US IN THERE WITH THAT THING!"

"OK, FIRST OF ALL, THAT SIMILE IS COMPLETE NONSENSE AND YOU KNOW IT, OUR CAPTAIN IS INSTANTANEOUS WHILE MY GUN WOULD TAKE MINUTES! AND SECOND, YOU TOUCH ME, I'LL SCREAM BAD TOUCH!"

"YOU CAN DENT METAL WITH YOUR FISTS, PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE THAT WHEN PIGS FLY!"

"GRAAAHHH— _hang on, damn it!"_ Planting her feet, Merry spun around and raised her hands, both women skidding to a halt. "Listen! The gun's _expensive_ , yes—!"

" _Diiiiie—!"_ Nami rumbled, madness gleaming in her eyes.

" _BUT!"_ the ship-girl continued in a panic. "It won't actually affect us for _ages!_ None of them will! I filched Shiki's entire magazine, he had a dozen drums of rounds for this beast!"

The navigator paused in her fury, frowning questioningly. "And how long do you expect that to last?"

"Um… so long as I'm measured and cautious in my use—!"

" _Give."_

" _Hey!"_ Merry bristled indignantly, before hanging her head with a defeated groan. "Alright, so I _might_ see where you're coming from…" She then snapped her head up with big, watery—

_CLONK!_

"OW!" Merry yelped. Cradling her new goose egg, she nodded frantically. "Alright, alright, I _legitimately_ promise that I will ration the ammo I have and keep my eyes and ears peeled for any opportunity to steal more, and if we _do_ need to buy more, it comes out of my share. But if we run into another bastard like Shiki, all bets are off. Deal?"

Nami turned that over in her mind.

"…Fine," she sighed, her gaze sharpening intently. "But we are hammering things out right here, right now."

Merry readied a sarcastic retort, only to transition into a shit-eating grin. "Yeah, I don't think that's gonna be happening anytime soon. Shoulda watched your volume, girly."

It took Nami five seconds to process that statement, two to pale, and one to slap a hand to her face. "They are _right_ behind me, aren't they?"

" _ **Face the music, IT'LL JUST BE EASIER ON EVERYONE."**_

"Me included~" Merry sang as she rocked back and forth on her heels, a slightly crooked halo above her head.

Sighing, Nami turned to face the expected sight: her captain, flanked by the first mate on one side and the third (plus Soundbite) on the other, all standing behind her, arms crossed and expressions livid. But rather than cower, she simply matched them expression for expression.

"Before you take a strip out of my hide out of some misguided sense of injured pride, let me ask the four of you one question," she said before any of them could open their mouths. "Did you listen to the _entire_ message I left on the Tone Dial? Including the part that _only someone who was with us on Thriller Bark would understand?"_

The quartet paused, glancing uncomfortably between themselves.

"Not even the so-called 'god', huh?" Nami sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Didn't think so. If you had bothered to listen to the whole thing, you would know that the last thing I said was, 'That's why I'm begging you to forgive me _for doing something stupid and reckless again, and expecting it to turn out like last time.'"_

She pulled back, observing the dumbfounded looks on her fellow mates' faces. "You. Complete. And utter. _Idiots._ Luffy's reaction is no big surprise, I half-expected it from him. But I expected more sense from _you three."_

"There's just one problem with that, Nami."

The five of them turned back toward Merry, who was looking at them with a fond smirk.

"Would you have spared enough time for sense if you were in their shoes and Nojiko was in yours? Or, hell!" she asked innocently. "Did you think for even a _second_ when you hauled off and pinched _me?"_

Nami raised her finger and opened her mouth, and held that pose for a second before snapping her mouth shut "You… make a very annoying, annoyingly accurate point."

"I learned from the be~est~!" Merry sang as she walked off, proudly tugging on the lapels of her greatcoat as she went. The three mates and captain turned back to each other, no one speaking for a few moments.

"…Call it even and never let it happen again?" Cross suggested, tilting the brim of his hat down to cover his eyes.

"Fine by me," Nami said, smiling pleasantly.

"Agreed," Zoro nodded, his brow twitching furiously.

"Sorry?" Luffy said.

" **Aaand moving** _ **RIGHT along,"**_ Soundbite chirped.

"In inadvertent aid of that," interjected Donny, sliding up beside Cross. "Two questions for you two. First off, just for the record, what's Billy's voice?"

Cross rolled his eyes, but didn't seem too exasperated this time. "I'd complain, but it actually fits him. Carue got his voice from Donald Duck, Billy got his from Donald's nephews: Huey, Dewey, and Louie."

" _ **EVEN**_ **I** _don't know_ WHICH ONE _IT IS!"_ Soundbite snickered.

"Triplet nephews, if you didn't catch it," Cross clarified.

Donny nodded in understanding. "Makes sense. Other question: what was that about needing to talk to Sanji and me?"

Cross snapped his fingers and headed for the kitchen, gesturing for Donny to follow. "Right, thanks for reminding me. Do you still have the outfit from that psycho you fought on Thriller Bark?"

Donny twitched viciously. "Only because I can't burn the damn thing and our _penny-pinching witch—!"_

"Bite me!" Nami threw over her shoulder.

"—Won't let me toss it in the ocean like I wanted to," he finished.

"Perfect, and convenient for you seeing as we'll be getting rid of it as soon as Sanji gets something for me."

With much more enthusiasm, Donny followed Cross into the kitchen.

**-o-**

Not far away, Robin knelt beside her flower garden with a warm smile, tending to a week's worth of neglect. Her fellow academic knelt beside her, hooves sifting through the soil of a long and vacant pot, packing in the IQ plants he had retrieved from Indigo's laboratory.

"So, what did you get?" the reindeer asked curiously, jotting down a few notes on the miraculous plant in his notebook.

"Mm, nothing truly _earth-shattering,_ sadly," Robin sighed, shaking her head. "Some evidence on corrupt bases, names of moles, leaks, and even some particularly virtuous Marines. Quite useful for Cross. But the most I could find otherwise was some history of the island and of Shiki himself." She scratched at a bandage on her cheek, drawing a pained grimace. "The payoff was only _barely_ worth the pain."

She leaned down to take a closer look at the flower. "I take it that your endeavor was far more successful?"

Chopper grinned sunnily as he nodded. "Way more! Indigo's notes along with what I put together from what I saw on Merveille has given me so many ideas that I don't know where to start! The obvious first step would be actually _using_ these plants, manufacturing serums of my own… ah, _without_ the horrendous side-effects, of course."

"Of course," Robin chuckled.

"Beyond that…" The doctor tapped his hoof to his chin, humming in thought. "Painful as it was, that fight did give me one or two ideas on my own brand of chemical warfare. With the right combinations…" Chopper trailed off into a wide grin. "But honestly? What I'm looking forward to the most is the sheer insight that this experience has given me on biological manipulation, both in concrete and analyzed evidence, and my own…" The reindeer cut off into a frown. "I'm going to define it as a 'revelation', but I want to clarify that I mean that in a strictly philosophical manner, not a spiritual one."

"I wouldn't assume anything else from you, good doctor," the archaeologist replied, giving him a contemplative look. "Though tell me, what does this new experience add up to?"

Chopper snapped his eyes up, a glimmer shining in his eyes. Not the familiar glimmer of madness, mind, the glimmer of academic ambition. "A _dissertation,"_ he whispered reverently. "A paper on Zoan morphology specifically, and biological auto-manipulation through biofeedback in general! The first of its kind, it's going to be _revolutionary!_ I'm not going to _rewrite_ the biology textbooks, I'll be inspiring entirely new ones! Eeheehee~!" Descending into giggles, the Zoan started eagerly wiggling in place.

Robin smiled as well at his enthusiasm, not having the heart to bring him down by pointing out that it may be better to keep that information to themselves for now. He was young and impulsive, not an idiot, so he'd undoubtedly figure it out himself. But as the hairs on the back of her neck suddenly shifted ever so slightly, she realized that bringing someone off of a euphoric high was unavoidable.

"If there is any assistance I could lend when you start, I'd be glad to, Chopper," Robin said warmly, getting to her feet. "If you could excuse me for just a moment? I need to take care of something."

"Mmhmm, sure, sure," Chopper waved her off, not even looking up from the notebook he was fervently scribbling in. "I can handle this on my own, don't worry."

Robin made to leave, but paused and frowned as a thought occurred, and she tapped him on the shoulder with a new arm to get his attention. "The last time I left you alone with potentially hazardous research, there were almost… consequences. This time, please make sure you don't conduct any research without someone nearby? If only for my sake?"

Chopper blinked up at her, confused, but then the penny dropped and he glanced down at his notebook, grimacing uncomfortably before stuffing it away in his knapsack. "I'll be careful. And… Robin?" The grateful smile he sent her way would've melted the heart of a lesser woman. "Thank you. Truly."

Robin nodded, making to slip away, but paused again as _another_ thought occurred to her. "By the way, you never did say what happened to Indigo."

Chopper's eyes flashed cyan as he snarled, "I _guarantee you_ that the bastard is rotting. Whether he's doing it in Hell or Impel Down I couldn't tell you, but either way?" He shook his head. "The world's a better place for it."

**-o-**

Dr. Indigo's mind was a blur as he marched between a pair of guards. A cloth was wrapped around his eyes and handcuffs that he wagered were made of sea prism stone held his arms behind his back. He could have broken free in a moment, he had enough chemicals on hand. But he knew too little. His genius mind was sure of only three things about his present situation: he had been captured; he was being kept alive, at least for the moment; and he wasn't in the presence of Marines. The last of those he could discern by the fact that he had not been informed of his crimes the moment his captors saw that he was lucid. He had been ordered to walk and not speak, and with no alternative, he did so, finding as he did that his captors had taken his favorite shoes as well.

More light streamed through his blindfold, and he felt a gentle hand lift a corner. The face he could see was framed by blonde hair and had eyes the color of glass. She was smiling pleasantly, but the moment she spoke, Indigo identified the same sadism that his captain held.

"You have been spared from perishing along with your captain and the rest of your crew due to your expertise. From this point forward, you are in the employment of the World Government. You will be provided with adequate room and board and all the resources that you need to continue your research. Everything you have discovered to this point and everything that you discover from this point on is forfeit to the Government. Resistance and retaliation will be punished."

Indigo took a few moments to respond. Said response started with a twisting sneer, but the scathing retort transformed into a gasp of pain by the bullet that pierced his shoulder.

"Do not misunderstand, Doctor Indigo: you do not have a choice in this matter, and you are forbidden to die until the World Government can make no further use of you. And do not think that that ensures your safety from punishment. You know as well as anyone that even if we can't kill you…"

"AAAAAHHH!" Indigo screamed in agony as no fewer than a dozen holes turned his left arm into swiss cheese.

"It's quite surprising what a person can live through. Now, why don't you make this easy on yourself? I'd like nothing more than to keep shooting you full of holes, but the less we have to spend on patching you up, the better."

Indigo had thought that he knew the meaning of hatred when he was upstaged by an adolescent reindeer who was only intelligent because of his Devil Fruit. But this was nothing short of his worst nightmare: he had all the resources that he needed to accelerate his research beyond how he could dream of… and all of it was forfeit to the Government. His brilliance would fade into the Government's dominion, reinforcing _their_ imperialism rather than proving his genius.

But he had his captain's patience. He would read his situation and consider the details. And he would listen to what his senses told him; his pride in his abilities remained strong, but he wouldn't pick another fight that he couldn't win.

"By your command," Indigo mumbled with a hint of steel. He winced again as that steel earned him another blow into his side, then the blindfold fell back over his face.

"Good. But try to get rid of that little shadow of defiance in your eyes. It's not healthy to consider resisting, you know."

A blow hit him from behind, sending him through a pair of steel doors and flat onto his face. The doors closed behind him, and as his handcuffs were removed he heard a derisive snort.

"She just can't keep her hands to herself," an androgynous voice growled, before _actually_ growling in annoyance. "Hogback, get to patching him up!"

"Yes, sir," squeaked a much more familiar voice. Indigo used his good arm to rip away the blindfold just in time for a pair of hands to help him to his feet. He immediately identified the face of Doctor Hogback, one of the few medical geniuses in the world that he could accept as an equal; he lacked the chemical mastery that Indigo possessed, but his surgical abilities were far superior to the clown's.

"Welcome to the grind," the surgeon muttered as he led Indigo to his operating table. "I think you and I will get along _swimmingly."_

The badly hidden message made Indigo smile briefly, but it faded when lying down on the table let him see the other man in the room. He resembled a sumo wrestler, clad in red and with a massive battle axe on his back.

"Welcome to the World Government's research and development laboratory," he said unsmilingly. "My name is Sentomaru, your officer, enforcer, _bodyguard—"_ The word was sneered out as though it was vile in his mouth. "—If necessary, which I hope it isn't… and _executioner."_ The sneer turned into a smirk. "If it comes to it, which I hope it _does_."

His smirk faded and he continued speaking, sounding as though he were reciting a script.

"You will receive your first set of orders as soon as you are fit to work; upon reception, you have twelve hours to submit a report of the resources you require to do your work, including an explanation for each component, and the amount of time you require to complete it. Dr. Vegapunk will review your report and verify it before your requests are granted. Any attempt to falsify any part of the report will be punished.

"You will be monitored at all times," he continued, gesturing to the Visual Transponder Snails in every corner of the room. "If your progress does not match your estimations, you will be punished. You will be provided with your own laboratory and all of the necessities for your life. You may submit requests for luxuries if you maintain your progress. Finally, you are not permitted to leave your laboratory alone without express permission from myself or another authority. Failure to follow any of these rules will result in punishment."

Sentomaru glared at Indigo as Hogback began patching up his arm. "Any questions, Doctor Indigo?"

The clown pressed his lips together, and was privately relieved that Sentomaru didn't bash him for that show of discontent. It seemed he was no happier about this arrangement than his captives. That was a small mercy, at least.

"Will I be working alone or with others?" he asked at last.

"Hmph, an actually reasonable question," Sentomaru grunted. "You will be working with Hogback often. You can also expect to be acquainted with this lab's mechanical expert, Ratchet. To head off any complaints about his more luxurious conditions, he was enlisted, not arrested. Aside from that, you may request assistants if you deem it necessary. But any attempts to use them as guinea pigs will be met with…" Sentomaru tapped his knuckle against the blade of his axe. " _Severe_ punishment."

Not ideal, but not unreasonable. At least the Government knew that one could not expect a genius to provide superior work under inferior conditions.

"…No further questions."

Sentomaru nodded and exited the room.

"I hear you're a genius who's good at long-term planning," Hogback whispered.

"Likewise," Indigo whispered back.

" _They won't keep our genius chained up forever,"_ they breathed in unison.

_SLAM!_

Hogback leapt back from the table with a shriek when Sentomaru's battleaxe buried itself between the two doctors.

"Did I mention that those feeds are live and your watchers can read lips?"

' _But they_ can _hold us for a hell of a long time…'_ the pair mentally groaned.

**-o-**

Off the stern of the Thousand Sunny, the winds swirled and surged in ways that were completely unnatural. Typically speaking, this was a perfectly normal state of affairs on the Straw Hats' ship, given how they were A. In the Grand Line and B. Navigated by a woman the world was 95% convinced was an actual, real-life witch. Not that the crew was more than slightly less skeptical on that front.

This time, though, the source was not Nami, nor the Grand Line. Instead, Nefertari Vivi sat on the railing of the aftmost balcony, her legs dangling out over the waves and her gaze focused on something only she could see. The 'checked out' look she was projecting was only reinforced by the way her hands were moving, drifting to and fro as though she were conducting an orchestra. In a dream, granted, but that was a good comparison, the princess's fingers were waving and gesturing to some tune that only she could hear.

But for all that the gestures made no apparent sense, there was in fact a method to the illogical actions, or at least, a purpose: for every twitch of Vivi's fingers, the air swirled in response, coiling around Vivi's fingers and body like thread from a divine, invisible loom. Strands of invisible currents of conflicting heat and cold responded to her every movement, extending into everything around her. A twitch of her fingers could cause a refreshing breeze on a summer afternoon. A casual wave of her hand could blow someone's hat off. An offhand wave of her arm could knock someone over.

And that was while she was barely even _trying,_ merely twitching her powers in the slightest of ways.

"Alright…" Vivi breathed, her eyes narrowing as she returned to reality. "Now, how far can I—?"

Something cold touched Vivi's arm, and she gasped as debilitating fatigue washed over her, as though she had just tried a hundred meter dash against Carue and Usopp. That was all she had time to properly process before her entire world went spinning and she was slammed into the deck, gasping in pain from her arm being wrenched behind her back, compounded by someone else's arm clenching tight against her throat and coming a few psi away from entirely cutting off her airway. The entire scenario was completed by a sensation that Vivi had grown far too familiar with over the years, that of a blade pressing against her thro—!

" _What the hell, Robin!?"_ Vivi wheezed.

" _The hell,_ Princess Nefertari, is a practice commonly known as a 'reality check'," Robin responded frigidly, not budging from her kneeling position on the small of Vivi's back. "You've been playing with your abilities ever since we woke up, and it has come to the point where even _I_ could feel the winds moving. And while I can _personally_ understand that you would want to experiment with them…"

The Demon Child chuckled wryly and shook her head before sobering up. "This experimentation inevitably leads an ability user to think that they're invincible, a god, until they get a reality check, somehow, that reminds them that they. Are. _Human._ The message doesn't sink in as well for some as it does for others, but it happens to every Paramecia, it happens to every Zoan…"

Vivi's expression had frozen in shock one sentence into Robin's lecture, and by the final word, she had gone completely limp in Robin's grasp. "But… But not Logia…" she whispered hoarsely. "Logias… never dissuade themselves of that notion… Can't be dissuaded, and they go their whole lives thinking of themselves as gods—"

"Until someone _forces_ a reality check on them. Until someone reminds them that they're still as normal and human as anyone else," Robin completed smoothly, removing her knife from Vivi's neck and standing off of her, allowing the princess to flip onto her back and stare up at her. Up at the hand that Robin had extended to her, as well as a kind smile.

"I worked with Crocodile for four years. I spoke with Eneru for _ten minutes._ And through that, I know how bad Logias can get, and I know that _I will not let you become like them,_ Vivi. Any time your mind gets lost in your powers, I _will_ do my best to remind you that you are mortal and draw you back. I _promise."_

As she stared at Robin's hand, Vivi's eyes watered up, and she lunged at it as though it were a lifeline, pulling herself up and wrapping her other arm tightly around her crewmate, sobbing into her shoulder.

"…thank you. Sincerely, _thank you,_ Robin," Vivi wept, her body wracked with terrified sobs.

Robin nodded, patiently rubbing her crewmate's back. "I could be an optimist and assume you won't need another reminder, but realistically? One day you're going to go stark raving mad and try and wipe out some kingdom or other with a superstorm you whip up with your bare hands. And when that happens—!"

Vivi pulled back and gave Robin a teary smile. "You'll be right there to stick a knife in my back."

Robin's expression flattened and she tapped the butt of her knife against the princess's forehead, and not gently at that. "No, I'll be there to smack some sense into you. Really, please, try and do me the courtesy of listening better."

Vivi smiled sheepishly.

"And really… if you ever need _any_ help with handling your powers, just ask," Robin gently assured her. "My first few days with a power were intensely disorienting, and I would have given anything for some help…" the archaeologist grimaced and shuddered in disgust. " _Especially_ with the taste…"

"Oh, _Ra,_ don't even mention 'taste' to me!" Vivi gagged, facing herself out towards the ocean and slapping a hand over her mouth as she kept from heaving. "I've eaten a variety of cuisine over the years, and a lot didn't agree with me, but that was… was…"

"Rest assured, that _will_ be the most horrific taste you will ever know in your entire life," Robin gagged, idly rubbing her thumb over her throat. "To this day, I can't get the taste of fertilizer composed of human feces, human ash, and actual _humans_ out of my mind."

"Yeah? Well, I honestly think that eating it so small made mine _worse,"_ Vivi hung her head with a tortured groan. "That aril was smaller than my fingernail, but the _second_ it hit my tongue, it was like the air from a thousand-thousand compacted balls of _swamp gas_ expanded into being inside my mouth all at once. And I can still taste every one of them!"

Robin shook her head with a weary chuckle. "To reiterate, I do know how what it's like. As do many others on this crew."

Vivi sobered up slowly, and her gaze turned pensive as she looked down at her hands. "Yeah. But, you know… I understand a lot more now," the princess said.

"Understand?" Robin queried, leaning on the railing.

"…I don't think you can imagine the power rush that being a Logia gives you, Robin," Vivi explained, watching her palms and fingers fade in and out of gusting air. "Even _I_ can't fully understand it. To come apart at the seams on a whim, to split your senses everywhere just like that, become untouchable… it's unfathomable. And… the _sensation…_ " Her eyes turned heavensward, gazing into the deep blue of the sky. "I can feel… pretty much every breeze around us for several metres, without focusing, and the only _real_ reason I didn't feel you coming was that I wasn't actually _trying._ And while, I'll admit, I might be biased because of how broad of a spectrum 'wind' is…"

Her fists coalesced and clenched. "What Crocodile and Eneru became is inexcusable, but if they were feeling the same way that I was, the way that I _am,_ feeling so… so _connected_ to the world like this, a connection that's going to be there for the rest of my life… I can see where it came from. So, again." Vivi looked Robin dead in the eye, this time with her usual steel. "Thank you for reminding me that I'm not invincible, Robin. I needed that. And, seeing as you've volunteered yourself for this?" Vivi gave her tutor a smirk. "I'll be relying on you to keep me humble when I need it. I warn you, that is a _full_ -time job."

Robin returned the smirk with a perfectly serene grin. "Oh, I'm sure the rest of the crew won't mind helping as well. Especially if you're going to be even _more_ of an airhead."

" _ **HAHAHA**_ _HEEHEEHEE_ **HOOHOOHOO!"**

Soundbite's laughter echoed around them. Neither woman reacted to it.

Or, well, _bodily_ reacted to it, as Vivi's eye was twitching furiously.

"…on the one hand," she ground out, her voice set to snap. "I could be responsible and only use my abilities in the most dire and critical of situations. On the _other,_ we're Straw Hats. So _thank you,_ Nico Robin." Vivi extended a clawed hand into the air. "For so kindly _volunteering."_

"Oh?" Robin cocked her brow in honest amusement. "And what, precisely, have I just— _GYAERGH!"_

Said amusement died a moment later as she suddenly choked on her own spit, her eyes bugging out as she vacillated between flushing and paling. Unconsciously, one hand darted down, clawing at her pants.

The reason for this was that Vivi had cut her off mid-sentence by _yanking_ her hand upwards with a tangible burst of air. The princess then smirked and began primly examining her nails. "To act as my guinea pig. How does 'Divine Touch' sound for a name?"

Where once Vivi's eye had been twitching, Robin's _everything_ was spasming, jaw working soundlessly. Once she managed to get some motor control back, the archaeologist pinned her student with a downright hellish glare. "…juvenile pranks, princess?" she hissed like a woman possessed. " _Really?"_

A shrug. "I consider it a step in the right direction. You?"

Robin jerked her head forward so that she was nose to nose with Vivi, lips split in a snarl and her voice on par with the Blue Pheasant's. It was an image _somewhat_ ruined by the fact that she was _still_ fiddling with the waistband of her pants.

"What you just did is a crime that the laws of Ohara considered punishable by _death."_

" _ **NEEEEER—!"**_

Robin snapped her hand into a fist.

"— _GYERGH!"_

"As such…" she continued, heedless of the interruption. "I consider it _carte_ _blanche._ You have _no idea_ of the pandora's box you've just opened."

Vivi raised her chin proudly. "Bring it."

The twitching intensified, before she suddenly stilled to a nigh corpse-like state and pinched her eyes shut, a rictus smile on her face. "I trust that you've finished your homework, _your highness?"_ the words crawled their way from Robin's lips.

Vivi's confidence faded into the wind even faster than she did, shrieking in horror as she rushed to find her notebook.

Robin stared after her with a satisfied smirk, before reverting to a pained grimace. "The sheer amount of agony and nonsense I go through for my friends…" she groaned to herself.

And so it was that the world-infamous Demon Child made her way back to her quarters, waddling as she fiddled with her waistband.

**-o-**

Two of the most seasoned Marines in the Navy stood beside each other with identical looks of satisfaction as they watched another detachment of their troops return from Merveille. Serving as the Straw Hat Pirates' cleanup crew again or not, they could hardly help the good mood that only seeing fifty of the most infamous crews this half of the Grand Line trudging onboard in chains could produce.

Shiki himself was already en route to Impel Down thanks to the unexpected but welcome help of Boa Hancock, and those of his crew who had survived were being collected as well. Those not present were presumed dead from the fall of the islands, but were noted just in case.

Perhaps the best part of it was precisely _why_ they were able to set foot on the land where hundreds of beasts still dwelled, collect all of the criminals, and be on their way. The Elder Stars themselves were pleased with the new development, and though Sengoku felt a twinge of annoyance, he had little doubt that the benefits would far outweigh the costs…

**~o~**

"You up for this, Sengoku?" Garp asked, cracking his knuckles as he faced down the beasts lined up on the edge of the newly-settled coast of the island, or 'archipelago' as it were, given how the impact with the ocean had been decidedly unkind to the island. It was a veritable menagerie of Merveille's beasts: big, small, fast, slow, armored, flying, all these and so many more ready and waiting for the Marines to make landfall so that they could enjoy themselves a fresh meal.

"I am in _severe_ need of a way to relieve my stress, and this serves as a _perfect_ excuse," the Fleet Admiral responded, his fingers drumming over a borrowed shinai; his skill with such a weapon left something to be desired, but as he was expected both to take things easy and to take out the survivors among Shiki's monsters, he needed something that would strain his body a bit less.

"Then let's get to it!" Garp laughed to himself, marching forward as he pounded his knuckles together. The monsters on the shore snarled at them, clearly ready to pounce, soar, charge, or dive at them to tear them apart.

" _Horohorohorohorohoro…_ "

Or at the least, they _were_ until a round of aetherial laughter halted Sengoku and Garp in place. Not out of any kind of terror, of course, but because of how in response to the laugh, the monsters on the shore all suddenly stilled, the beasts all falling quiet as they looked around with varying degrees of nervousness and admiration.

Both men looked straight up. And both men saw a familiar face.

"You… Perona. You were one of Moria's subordinates. Then you joined the Straw Hat Pirates."

"Past tense, Fleet Admiral," the specter said, floating on her back. "I cut my losses when the Straw Hats beat Moria and talked them into letting me sail with them until I could find somewhere else that I could live in luxury. And with that tyrant gone, I decided to take over his palace and help myself to all of the _adorable_ pets that I could ever want!"

Several Marines sweatdropped as they watched the beasts on the shore swoon loyally in Perona's direction. Garp and Sengoku's eyes narrowed, however.

"Nice story, brat. But you don't think that your 'pets' are going to be able to slow Garp and I down, do you?" Sengoku demanded.

"Of course not!" Perona giggled. "If I did, I wouldn't be here to negotiate, would I?"

The top-ranked Marines exchanged wary glances before glaring at her. "Negotiate _what_ , brat?" Garp asked.

Perona smiled impishly. "The Government was left with no choice but to strip my former master Moria of his Warlord title thanks to what Jeremiah Cross revealed on the SBS. And last time I checked, you still haven't filled that slot. Sooo~ I'm putting my name in for consideration."

The Vice and Fleet Admirals both stiffened, and a chorus of whispers and shouts filtered in from the nearby battleships.

They were all silenced when Sengoku took a stomp forward, the deck of his ship splintering beneath his boot. "And _why_ should we consider your application— _you,_ a no-name, no-bounty _minion,_ and _associate_ of the Straw Hat Pirates—for a position in what is _literally_ the most _exclusive_ taskforce in the whole of the World Government instead of swatting you?" Sengoku demanded, two seconds away from blinding the insolent spectre, heart condition be damned.

"Well, let's see here…" Perona crooned, holding up a finger as she dropped into a sitting position. "Well, normally I'd save the best for last, but since you asked _nicely_ : Unlike the ones that you had to fire thanks to the Straw Hats, and some of the ones you still have on the roster, I don't have any ambitions. I just want to live my life in luxury and safety." She laced her fingers beneath her chin and smiled in a cutesy way. "Isn't that just _wonderful?_ "

The grind of Sengoku's teeth was answer enough.

Still smiling cutely, Perona moved on, holding up a second finger. "Moving right along to reason number two, you may be able to swat my pets. You may somehow be able to fight off my powers. But you don't _have_ to; it would be more convenient for all of us if they were on _your_ side. Less trouble, less fuss, less men _fed_ to beasts who were literally bred to eat them. I don't know about you, but that sounds like the most logical military decision, no?"

Once more the lack of response was deafening, the subordinate officers cautiously—not nervously, never nervously—eyeing their bestial opponents and then their own men.

Up came the third finger. "I have all of the captains and most of the crews of everyone who was stupid enough to follow Shiki here with me, in the palace, and I'll gladly hand them over if you accept. And really, at this point, can you _afford_ anything less than live captures, if you really want to save face?"

By this point, Sengoku's might as well have been carved from stone.

A fourth finger joined its brethren. "My powers could help you with that stress relief that you just mentioned."

This time, Sengoku actually _did_ blind Perona for a moment. " _ **Never."**_

"Okayokayokay!" Perona reeled back, waving her hands in frantic panic. The light faded, and the panic did as well, the ghost-girl levelling a flat glare at the Admiral of the Marine Fleets. "Alright, no more screwing around. You want serious, let's be dead serious: _You_ , if we're being completely honest, _can't afford_ someone other than me in the position at this point. Not after two lemons in a row."

As Perona shifted into a reclining position, she let a playful smirk spread on her face. "So, shall I continue listing reasons, or have I made my point?"

Sengoku's eyes twitched, leaving Garp to stare up at the ghost. "Let's say, for the sake of argument and _nothing more,_ that you get the title. What are you expecting in return?" the Hero asked, growling.

Perona's smile didn't budge, though she did move her hands so that her fingers were splayed against one another. "Oh, not much beyond what comes pre-packaged with the Warlord position: immunity to the law as long as I don't terrorize civilians, like my predecessors have oh so frequently and flagrantly flaunted in the past; no Marines set foot on this island without my express permission; and no attempts to take any of my pets, _or_ samples of the IQ plant." Her gaze sharpened at that last stipulation. "Shiki almost levelled the East Blue with his serum, I'm not letting that genie uncork itself if I can help it."

Her eyes suddenly widened, and she snapped her fingers. "Oh, and I also want a promise that you won't make me do anything that takes me more than a few nautical miles away from my island for the first three months. I just got this kingdom, after all, and I need some time to properly build it up. Plus…" She grimaced, letting her head loll back. "In case you've forgotten, I've spent the majority of my life in a support position. I can be as much of a threat as my… colleagues, but I need a little _time_ to get there first. As it is, I'm no good to you on the front lines."

Again, Sengoku's eye twitched, but he also began to seriously consider the offer. And the more he thought about it, the better it seemed. Only one _potential_ issue.

"How are you controlling them?" Sengoku asked as he nodded his head at the monsters, the 'Can they slip their leash?' floating unspoken.

"Horohorohoro. That's quite simple, Fleet Admiral." Perona snapped her fingers and one of the many boars in the crowd trotted up in the wake of a sobbing Hollow, snuffling at the floating ectoplasm with clear eagerness. "A combination of the carrot…"

The hollow shot through the boar, the porcine beast letting out a contented squeal and rolling over to expose its belly. A belly that Perona floated over to and began 'scratching', to the clear delight of the porcine titan.

Perona's expression then flipped to cold. "And the stick." Holding up her hand, she summoned a cackling Negative Hollow. Immediately, the _entire_ crowd of creatures flinched back, besides the gleefully oblivious hog below her.

The Ghost Princess produced another Positive Hollow and started rotating the pair of them around her raised hand. "Euphoria as incentive to behave. Anguish as punishment for disobedience. Shiki and Indigo made them strong, tough, and fast… but they're just like your grandson when it comes to brains, Vice Admiral Garp: meatheads who are only smart when it comes to fighting."

Garp's expression shifted to that of a man who dearly wanted to object but knew he had no leg to stand on.

With a wave of her hand, Perona dismissed the hollows. "Some of them are still a little rebellious, sure, probably the smarter ones. But I've yet to meet a beastie who hasn't reacted to one of my Hollows. When you can control how much or how little joy they feel at a time, it's easy to bring even the proudest, mightiest beast to heel. I wouldn't advise letting them leave Merveille's shores anytime soon, not without me around, but apart from that?" She raised a finger. "One month, and every biological weapon on this island, without exception, will be at my beck and call."

Sengoku remained silent for several moments. He could already tell that this brat was going to be a pain to handle, but that was about the only negative that he could see. He'd had a headache all week, and while he _could_ fight off those beasts _and_ the ghost girl, a chance to not fight them and _still_ arrest fifty of the biggest problems in Paradise was a much more appealing option. And if she was honest about her motivations—which he believed she was, from what he knew and from her stipulation regarding the IQ plants—then it may be that she would be more like Mihawk than Hancock. And if worse came to worst, the beasts were landlocked now, no threat to anyone…

Suppressing a sigh, Sengoku withdrew a Transponder Snail from his coat and dialed a number that few in the world knew.

"Marine Code 95000, Fleet Admiral Sengoku," the Fleet Admiral recited, throwing a scathing glare at the arrogantly triumphant phantom. "I have found a replacement for Moria."

" _We are listening,"_ a stern older voice prompted as Perona grinned from ear to ear.

**~o~**

"This is far from the ideal outcome," the Fleet Admiral mused, his frown not as deep as usual. "But I will admit that I never expected this much to go right for us."

"Mmph, for a given value of the word 'much', anyway…" Garp shrugged. "Seriously, what _exactly_ did we get out of this? A bunch of mega-sized beasts, who can't really make much difference against the Emperors? A roadblock-island that's not in a critical position? A brat with half-developed powers, who's only now going to start trying? Seems like we're just warming a seat to me."

"Mmph…" Sengoku nodded his head to the side ever so slightly. "I'll admit, this isn't the _best_ choice possible, but there was one extenuating factor that pushed my hand."

The world-famous Hero allowed himself a snicker. "What, shoring up the ranks of the Warlords from five to six?"

Sengoku's jaw twitched at the stab of guilt that ran him through, but he otherwise maintained his composure. "No. Something even worse: Gender equality."

For a moment, the only sounds to be heard were the lapping of waves, the jingle of chains as the defeated walked into the hands of Justice…

And then Garp looked over at Sengoku with a bemused expression. "Come again?"

"Don't. Laugh," Sengoku ordered tersely, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You have no right to. _You_ don't have to deal with the monthly demands from the Marine Women's Rights Association. And it was either find another female Warlord or sign their petition to canonize Captain Bellemere, and I _refuse_ to let a pirate's mother become a saint."

" _Indeed, he didn't have much choice,"_ a nearby Transponder Snail piped up in Tsuru's cool drawl. " _Enough people hate him without throwing more on the pile."_

"Status update," the Fleet Admiral ordered, entirely ignoring the jab.

" _The last of the now-defunct Golden Lion Pirates have been pacified and placed in chains,"_ Tsuru smoothly replied. " _We'll still need time to transport them from the center of the archipelago, but we should be ready to depart in no more than an hour."_

"Aww, already?"

Sengoku twitched viciously, refusing to give the spectre he _knew_ was floating above him the benefit of his glare.

"And here I was getting _used_ to your horrifically un-cute battleships sullying my horizon. Ah well!" She waved her hand as she 'flopped' down in front of Sengoku in a prone position, an arm tucked under her head. "Don't let the currents whip you on the way out, would you?"

Sengoku shot a sharp scowl at the newly inducted Warlord. "Don't forget that these warships could just as easily return, only in the capacity of a Buster Call instead. As you yourself said, two lemons in a row. I won't be merciful on the third."

Perona clicked her tongue in a chiding manner even as she floated well away from the Marine. "Touchy touchy. And you're sure I can't ameliorate our new-forged relationship a bit? Or rather…" She smirked as a weeping Hollow peeked out over her shoulder, ignoring the way Sengoku's expression darkened. "Your mood? Why, who knows! It might even help out that little bum ticker you're sporting."

The Fleet Admiral stiffened, and Perona flinched as the air suddenly grew heavy around her, apparent even to her astral form.

"How the _hell_ did you—!?" Sengoku growled.

"Shiki found out, he was gloating the entire way back to the castle!" Perona yelped in an _entirely_ dignified and not-at-all panicked way. "B-But seriously, you already know how bad stress is for someone in your position! M-My Positive Hollows could help, even just—!"

"You had a ten ton hellbeast dancing to your tune after less than a day," Sengoku interrupted, his voice absolutely frigid. "If you bring even one of your ghosts within a five-foot radius of me, you'll be cooling your heels with Crocodile before the day is out."

"That's not how it—aw, screw it," Perona grumbled, flicking her hand to dispel the Hollow. "If you want to turn me down when I'm offering you a miracle stress-reliever out of the goodness of my heart, I'll take my charity elsewhere."

Turning to leave, Perona looked back over her shoulder and smirked in a way that made Sengoku know that what she was about to say was going to make him snap, and he sagaciously turned on his heel and entered his cabin, the door slamming behind him.

The princess sighed, and her eyes slid to Garp. "One day, he's going to have to realize that not everyone who calls him or herself a pirate is untrustworthy."

"Tch, and you expect me to believe you for a second?" Garp asked flatly, his gaze never leaving the marching line of prisoners. "C'mon, the first thing out of your mouth was a lie."

"E-Excuse me?!" the ghost princess stammered in equal parts terror and indignation.

Garp looked up at her, and at that moment, Perona became acutely aware of exactly who she was talking to. After all, only so many people could manage to look so _terrifying_ with barely any effort. "You honestly expect me to believe that after two months on the same ship as my grandson, you didn't fall in love with them the same way that everyone else to join their crew did?"

Perona opened her mouth to object, but when she thought about it, Garp was right. On both counts. Her expression paled.

Garp, for his part, just chuckled. "That's what I thought. Don't worry, I won't tell anyo—"

"You promise?"

"GAH!" Garp flinched back from Perona, who was suddenly up in his face, her expression totally blank.

"You really, truly promise that you'll never tell anyone, no matter what?"

The Vice Admiral took a moment to regain his wits, and then he gave a wry grin. "How deep is it?"

Perona looked away. "…I abandoned Moria for convenience. I tried doing the same thing to the Straw Hats… but Shiki wasn't the only one who underestimated them. I'd put my life on the line… for any of them."

As far as she could see, somehow, nobody was paying attention to the two of them. Silver lining, that.

"I won't tell anyone," Garp said with the utmost seriousness. "But you had better put on a damn good act if you don't want anyone else to figure it out."

"Oh, I think I can manage that," Perona said softly as she flew back. "Because I have something I _really_ want to tell you."

"And what would that—?"

"Get," Perona cut in, her face gradually screwing up in rage. "The hell. AWAY. _FROM MY_ _ **ISLAND!"**_

The final word was shrieked out at the top of Perona's lungs. And far more importantly, a veritable _geyser_ of howling ectoplasm erupting from the specter punctuated it.

Garp stared up at the aetherial pillar in mildly respectful silence.

" _Well, I think we can safely say that she_ does _have the sheer power to stand among the rest of the Warlords,"_ Tsuru drawled tonelessly.

"Tcheh, don't gloat just yet, hag," Garp smirked. "That went _perfectly_ according to my plan."

" _Bullshit."_

"Prove it, you wrinkly— _whoa!"_ The Hero ducked his head with a yelp, narrowly missing getting pegged by _some_ kind of Hollow with a twisted face. "Okay, yeah, she's serious about us leaving, _HEY!"_ Garp roared, waving his hand at the nearest battleships in what was the _height_ of military procedure. "WE'VE OVERSTAYED OUR WELCOME AND WE'VE STILL GOT A HELL OF A MESS TO CLEAN UP BACK AT HQ! TELL THE TROOPS STILL ON THE ISLAND TO DOUBLE-TIME IT! LOCK 'EM DOWN AND GET READY TO SHOVE OFF!"

" _First smart thing I've heard all day,"_ Tsuru said, rolling her eyes in an exaggerated fashion.

"What was that?!"

" _Aye-aye, sir._ KA-LICK!"

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

**-o-**

"—RAGING, _HALFWIT_ PIECE OF _WAGH!"_

_THUD!_

"Oooowww…" Perona groaned into the ground, trying to retooth her stripped mental gears. "What the _hell_ just—? Eh?" The Ghost Princess snapped her head up and looked around, blinking in surprise as she realized she was in—

"The palace?!" she sputtered incredulously. "Holy hell, did I just rage so hard I snapped back into my body?" Perona mulled over the thus far unprecedented occurrence before groaning and hanging her head. "I _really_ need to start putting some effort into figuring out exactly what my powers are capable of."

"Cro-roak?"/ "Cr-ch-chrk!"

A concerned round of noises from below her caught Perona's attention, and she shot a reassuring smile at what she'd fallen off _of._ "It's okay, Hopper, Stinger. I'm fine, just fine. You two worry about yourselves, alright? That mean ol' bastard Cross led you two through a real ringer."

The mega-sized frog and scorpion smiled and chittered gratefully as they settled down to rest.

Once they weren't looking, however, Perona's smile faded, taking a look around at the reason _why_ she'd been sleeping on her new friends' backs.

While it was indeed her dream come true to move into a castle all her own and live her life in luxury, there was one major obstacle to that goal: A life of luxury required a luxurious castle, and for all that she appreciated the Straw Hats' efforts in ejecting her new home's previous tenants, she wished they could have left at least two consecutive walls standing!

In the simplest terms possible, Shiki's once-gilded fortress was a shell of its former self, with over half its structures collapsed in on themselves from structural damage, and the rest a stiff breeze away from joining them. It would take a lot of hard, dedicated work to make the compound habitable once more, and Perona had absolutely jack all idea how to go about even starting said work.

"I did _not_ think this through, did I?" she groaned to herself, dragging her hands down her face.

"Having some issues with your new home, dearie?"

"WAGH!" Perona yelped at the sound of another human voice. She spun to face her interlopers, Hollows reflexively roiling from her body. And then they just as swiftly dissipated when she actually _saw_ the interlopers. She needed a further second for her brain to process what her eyes were showing, and she blinked in confusion at the newcomers.

The very _familiar_ newcomers.

"Y-You're—!"

"PANDA!"

"Grk!"

Perona's breath whooshed out of her when a large weight slammed into her midsection and dropped her on her ass. The newly appointed Warlord blinked incredulously at the enthusiastic bundle of smiles and feathers hanging off her neck. "X-Xiao!? W-what are you doing here!?" She then turned her incredulous gaze on the crowd of Merveillean natives watching over her. "W-What are _any_ of you doing here? And how did you sneak up on me?!"

"To answer your last question, we didn't, darling," Xiao's grandmother informed her with an endearing smile. "We just walked up while you were asleep. We were quite concerned, actually, we couldn't wake you up. It was like—!"

"Yes, yes, dead to the world, sleeping like a corpse, I've heard them all before," Perona reflexively interrupted. "B-But that still doesn't explain why you're all here! I thought you'd all be halfway to a new island by now!"

"This island was our home first," Xiao's mother firmly replied. "We've spent the last twenty years dreaming of the day that Shiki would leave us in peace and we could return to our lives _here._ And while yes, we originally intended to live in our village, that is…" She grimaced uncomfortably, glancing at the nearby monsters. "No longer quite so feasible…"

"So we decided to come here and live with you instead!" Xiao jumped in with all the eagerness and obnoxiousness of a kid on Christmas morning. "Can we can we can we?"

Perona's brain immediately flatlined at the request. "You—bu—wha—STOP BOUNCING!" she barked, irritation boiling over.

Xiao stilled. As did a particularly acrobatic tiger and small kangaroo in the background.

"Not you two!" Perona snapped at them. When they went back to… whatever they were doing, she redirected her attention to the villagers. "A-And what's she talking about?"

"Well," said the old woman who had spoken before. "First, it can't be understated just how grateful we are to you for warning us of what Shiki planned to do to us. If it weren't for your intervention, we'd all be long dead. So, helping you out however we can manage is the least we can do."

"And considering that both your new palace and our old village have been destroyed, putting the two of them together would make things better and easier for all of us," Xiao's mother reasoned. "Our people have a knack for architecture; those beasts caused regular accidents even before Shiki invaded, even with the Daft Green protecting us. We had to learn to rebuild quickly and efficiently. Unfortunately, we'd just be putting up shields, not anything we can use to fight back."

"And conversely, you have the ability to fight back against the most terrifying enemies but don't seem to have worked a day in your life," the old woman wryly observed.

Perona pouted. "Can't argue with that…" she grumbled.

"In short, we'll help rebuild the palace for you—stripping out all of the lions, of course—and in return." The elderly woman smirked impishly as she leaned over and jabbed Perona in the forehead. "You act the way that a monarch should and keep us safe."

"And-and-and!" Xiao waved her arms eagerly, a blinding smile on your face. "You can make all the monsters nice and cuddly, like these guys, right?" She gestured at the snoozing symbiotic pair, and kept going before anyone could object. "If you make all the monsters nice, then that means that we don't need the smelly Daft Greens anymore, and no one gets sick anymore! Right? Right?"

_That_ actually took Xiao's family by surprise, and they exchanged shocked looks.

"Uhh…"

"Told you she was smarter than she acts," Granny smugly stated.

But the young Merveillean wasn't quite done yet. "Oh, oh! And also you've gotta be the bestest big sister ever while Ever's away on her adventures!"

Aaaand that line made Perona's brain flatline. Again.

Granny slapped a hand to her face. "Then again…"

"Xiao!" her mother gasped in a scolding tone. "Miss Perona, I am _so—!"_

It took Perona a second to reboot her brain again, and she was still decidedly flustered. "A-ah, no that's…" Her demeanor slowly shifted into a tearful smile. "That, ah, t-that sounds great, actually. I…"

To the surprise of all present, Perona leaned forward, and when she leaned her forehead against Xiao's, they couldn't help the fond smiles that crept onto their faces.

"I've… always wanted a real sister," Perona laughed weakly, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks.

And so began the reign of Hellbeast Queen ("Princess! I am a _PRINCESS!")_ Perona, Grand Marshal of Merveille and Warlord of the Seas.

**-o-**

"Goldenweek. Do you have a second?"

The woman in question glanced up from her paint mixing to see the top of Merry's head. Shifting down revealed the whole of the ship-girl, and the odd mix of disgust, annoyance, and 'how the hell do I word this' on her face.

The ex-assassin took a second to gauge her interest in whatever nonsense the Straw Hat was about to pull her into before sighing in defeat. ' _Well, at least this will be_ interesting…' she silently groaned, putting down her stirrer before turning to fully face the shipgirl. "I have a few minutes, what do you need?"

Merry glanced at the slightly larger Cannibal coasting alongside the Thousand Sunny, grimaced, and then said, "I know you can change people's minds with your paints, and I need you to do that for me now. Specifically, I need you to give the Cannibal an…" She let out a tortured groan and clawed her hand down her face. " _Attitude adjustment._ Regarding Big Bro Sunny."

Goldenweek stared at the shipgirl some more, took a second to close her eyes, take a deep calming breath, _pray_ to Apollo that this was just a fume-dream… aaaand no such luck, damn. "An… attitude adjustment." Merry nodded. "For a _ship."_

"Look, who's the literal ship whisperer here?" Merry replied, teeth grinding ever so slightly as she pointed to herself. "Yeah, me. So when I say that whatever part of Cannibal that makes her want to, ah…" The girl's expression screwed up in projectile-vomit levels of disgust. " _Practice docking_ with Sunny for hours on end needs to be _lobotomized_ , _I mean it."_

From the somewhat crazed look in Merry's eyes, she meant every word she'd just said, no matter how much she despised it, and really, it wasn't the weirdest thing she'd had to deal with since meeting the Straw Hats and then joining Barto's crew. Certainly in the top ten, though.

Her conviction, though, was shaken when she took a look at the Cannibal and made a quick calculation for how much _paint_ an 'attitude adjustment' would probably take. Not to mention the _work…_

"Is this _really_ necessary?" she asked wearily, dreading the answer even as she spoke the words.

Merry's eye twitched viciously, a broken smile creeping onto her face. " _Well,_ I'd get a restraining order if I could, but I _don't_ think the courts would rule in either of our favors if we showed up asking for one," Merry responded in deadpan. " _Yes,_ this is really necessary."

The painter sighed, pinching her nose to try and stave off the budding migraine. She then held out her hand. "If I do this, you owe me whatever I use up, plus interest when we get to Sabaody."

"I'll buy you an auction house-worth of art when we get there if that's what it takes, just spay your damn tub!" Merry hastily agreed, shaking the other girl's hand.

"I'll hold you to that," Goldenweek said, turning her flat gaze on her crew's galleon. "Now, let's see… what design should I go with for this?"

"Oh thank Triton…" Merry sagged as she let the tension flow out of her. "So, how long do you think this will take?"

Goldenweek cocked an eyebrow at her. "I'm a hired artist. That means that this will take as long as it takes."

Aaaand the tension was back as a cold feeling crept down Merry's spine. "…meaning?"

The ex-assassin cocked her head to the side _just_ so as she turned to fully face the shipgirl. " _Meaning_ that if you want to accelerate the time table on this project, it'll cost you extra."

The cold feeling evolved into a sickly pallor. "I should have gotten Vivi to help me deal with you," Merry gurgled mournfully.

Goldenweek shrugged dismissively and started sketching in her notebook. "In all fairness, it sounds like the Princess has interfered with this quite a bit already."

Out the corner of her eye, the painter noticed something amazing. Goldenweek knew, academically, that people's faces could turn different colors based on their emotions, but this was the first time she'd seen a person flip through so many at once. The shade of scarlet she settled upon at the end was particularly striking, she'd have to see about replicating it down the li—

" _MILLE MILLIONS DE MILLE MILLIARDS DE MILLES SABORDS!"_

Goldenweek flinched as Merry suddenly erupted in a fit of cursing, rolling her eyes and digging a finger into her ear. "And that's Cross," she groused to herself.

_That_ comment caused Merry's blue streak to darken considerably, which in turn caused Goldenweek to quirk up the tiniest of smiles.

Yes, this job was annoying, aggravating, life-threatening, and utter hell on her painting…

But damn it all if it wasn't the most enjoyable gig she'd had in a long time.

**-o-**

"No way you can do this," I said, arms crossed in an X. "No. Way. You are a crazy bastard without _many_ limits, this I know, but even _you_ still have _some_."

"Watch and learn, Cross," Luffy said with uncharacteristic smugness, his own arms crossed and his chest puffed out. Then he banged his silverware on the small table on deck and destroyed any semblance of decorum he'd erected. "Hey, Sanji, hurry it up!"

"Dammit, Luffy!" Sanji barked as he backed out of the Cannibal's kitchen holding a covered platter. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: you can't rush good meat! Especially not when you're dealing with substandard working conditions, damn bunch of hapless…" The last line was grumbled under his breath and accompanied by a disgusted look behind him.

Oh, chance! "By the way, pop trivia, Sanji: did you know that Valentine is most likely the cook for the Barto Club?" I inquired 'innocently'.

"She is!" one of the watching pirates around us confirmed.

Sanji stopped moving, his visible eye wide and his teeth grinding against each other more. Amusingly, it took him a few seconds to get his legs working. "Shut up, Cross," he grumbled, which was really begging for a response.

"Nice comeback, swirly," I smirked.

"INTELLIGENT, _**witty,**_ _sophisticated,"_ Soundbite concurred in much the same tone(s).

I sighed in contentment as Sanji bounced a light kick off my skull. It was _good_ to be home! Well, on a ship sailing alongside our home, but close enough.

The sound of Sanji slamming the tray down drew me out of my thoughts. "Alright, captain…" He withdrew the cover with a flourish, unveiling a quartet of completely identical slices of meat. "One Meatlover's Mystery Platter, exactly as you requested…" He glanced aside and hid a cough behind his fist. "Down to the stupid name."

"Yum!" Stars shone in Luffy's eyes as he clashed his silverware together. "This is gonna be good! Watch and learn, Cross!"

"Just a sec, Captain," I requested before loosing a whistle at the crowd of Barto-mooks assembled around us. "Alright, boys! Last call! Betting is now closing!" Hands shot out with the bills, and I nodded gratefully. "Thank ye, thank ye-"

"Hey, weren't you just calling your captain crazy?" one of said mooks in the back called out.

I shrugged dismissively. "Hey, just because he's nuts doesn't mean I'm ever gonna bet against him." I flashed out a cocky smirk as I shoved the money in my jacket. "Just means I'll pocket the money of all you idiots who _do. Betting closed, get started Luffy!"_ I ordered before anyone could protest.

Then I blinked, because the meat was gone and Luffy had just swallowed. I took a second to process that before slapping my forehead. "Right, what the hell else was I expecting…" I peeked through my fingers at my uncharacteristically (almost unnaturally, really, I was truly tempted to check for Bentham) thoughtful captain. "Sooo…?"

Luffy held his finger up in an ironic demand for patience, head tilted in deep thought. "Just gimme a sec…" Finally, he slammed his palms on the table and nodded. "Alright! So that's guinea pig roasted with peppers, crocodile marinated in lemon, sassafras, and garlic, hickory-smoked alligator tail, and grilled rattlesnake with salt! Right?"

Sanji tsk'd, lighting a fresh cigarette. "Captain, you're a gluttonous, no-brain foodhole…" Suddenly, the cancer stick ashed all at once, and Sanji heaved out a cloud of smoke the size of his head. "But damn it all, you're right."

"Yes!" I crowed victoriously as the hapless mooks around us all groaned in despair - and then switched to boggling at my captain in shock. "And _how the hell?"_

Luffy's only response was an oblivious grin as he scratched a finger under his nose. "Shishishi! I 'unno! I just noticed that I could pick out how it all tasted and thought it was cool! Oh, hey!" He perked up and pounded his fist in his palm in that _special_ way that guaranteed a headache. "Maybe it was that IQ stuff on Merveille! It could have made my tongue get way stronger and stuff, right?" Luffy nodded with total confidence. "Yeah, that's gotta be it."

Soundbite leaned in slightly, his eyestalk cocked. "SHOOOOULD WE TELL HIM _that's not how EVOLUTION WORKS?"_ he queried.

"Best we not," I muttered back. "If we tell him it's wrong, chances are it could stop working, and that'd just make him sad." I frowned in concern. "But still, I hope there aren't _actually_ any adverse side-effects from—!"

"ANYWAY!" Luffy suddenly belted out, throwing up his fists. "That was barely an appetizer! Sanji! Get me more!"

Sanji's brow twitched slightly as he plastered a stiff grin on his face. "What's the magic word, cap-?"

"More~ more~ moooore~!" Luffy started singing to a beat of banged silverware, grin never leaving his face.

"WILL YOU CRAM IT, MORON!"

_WHAM!_

His head, on the other hand, went on an all-expenses-paid vacation away from the rest of his body as Sanji kicked it a good half-mile off the port side off the ship.

"—Yeah, no, he's completely fine."

" _Idiot…"_ Sanji muttered to himself, shaking his head, before snapping a glare at the nearby mooks, who all flinched back in terror. "Well?! The hell are you waiting for, idiots? He said he wanted more, so go and get him more! I left fifty more plates in the kitchen, and if the first one's not out here by the time he's back, so help me!"

Apparently Gin had the Club's men trained well, because they did _not_ need to be told twice, and by the time Luffy's still-grinning head snapped back into place, the first crewmate was running out of the kitchen, a double-wide platter of… _something's_ ribs. I'll be honest, we murdered a _lot_ of animals on our way out of Merveille, and the majority of the carcasses we hauled back to our ships were _not_ intact.

Either way, the point is that it was big, cooked to perfection and slathered in barbecue sauce, and positively mouth-watering. Maybe I could get some bef—?

"Mmm!" Luffy mumbled around the mouthful of meat and bone he was chewing on. "Thish ish good!"

I sighed in despair as the de-fooded mook hastily ran back into the kitchen, watching the cavalcade of trays march towards Luffy's unforgiving maw. "Oooof course, what was I… thinking…" I frowned as I stared at the scene before me, my brain niggling at me. Luffy and Sanji on a ship that wasn't the crew's, Luffy gorging himself while Sanji looked on in resignation… why did this all feel so familiar? It was almost as though I'd seen this scene somewhere before, but… only almost. Something was missing… but what could it possibly be?

" _ **INCOMING!"**_

I blinked as Soundbite's sudden squawk snapped me from my thoughts. "Wait, wha—?"

_SPLASH! "MOOOOOO!"_

My reaction was split down the middle as I stared up at the figure looming over us. On the one hand, the thought ' _Oh, so_ that's _what was missing'_ was prominent. But on the other, what came out of my mouth was—

"I thought we weren't going to meet your leathery hide until two years from now?" I asked incredulously.

Mohmoo didn't respond, for his own pair of reasons. A small part of it was that Soundbite couldn't translate purely aquatic creatures, of course, but for the most part, I think the terrified look he was sending Luffy and Sanji's way and the steady stream of cow pies he was dropping had a lot more to do with it.

And Mohmoo and I weren't the only ones who remembered the past.

"Hey, isn't that…?" Sanji tilted his head inquisitively.

Luffy was… a lot less reassuring. Specifically, the familiar glint in his eyes as he stared at the sea monster. "Woooah, I remember you! You were that sea cow on Arlong's crew!" Aaaand then his mouth overflowed into a straight-up waterfall. "I always regretted not getting to taste you!"

Mohmoo had already been sweating like a stuck pig before Luffy said that. Now? He looked to be a light breeze away from straight up fainting.

I weighed my options: On the one hand, something that big _would_ probably have enough meat left over for me to actually get a bite in, unlike the previous platters, and it wasn't exactly like Mohmoo was _critical_ to the future, so…

But… on the other hand…

"Gah, damn my bleeding heart," I groused before clearing my throat. "Hey, guys—BWAGH!"

That sudden exclamation was due to _something_ dropping out of nowhere right on top of my head, driving me face-first into the decking. And since my mouth was open…

"Agh! Blech! Someone get me some mouthwash!" I spat as I resisted the urge to wipe my tongue with something. God damn it, had these bastards never washed their shoes in their li—?! Ah, right, ruffians and mongrels one and all, _of course_ they hadn't… ARGH! "GROSS!" I heaved in disgust, shooting a venomous glare at who-the-hell-ever had just stomped me. "Ahh, what the hell you little—!?"

Then I froze, because it wasn't every day you saw a girl who couldn't be more than ten drop-kick Sanji right in the face. Aaand then basically bitch-slap Luffy with _something_ wrapped up in a towel-

" _OW!"_

-correction: slapped Luffy with something apparently made of Seastone, from Luffy's pained yelp. She then leapt onto the railing and interposed herself between my crewmates and the sea monster, her arms spread wide.

"You're not touching a single scale on his head!" she barked.

For a moment, silence—aside from the girl's panting—reigned.

Until the usual suspect spoke up, of course.

"So, you want a share?" Luffy tilted his head in askance, ignoring the lump throbbing on his brow.

_CLONK!_

"OW!" Luffy yelped, grabbing the _new_ lump he'd just received.

"HELL NO I DON'T WANT A SHARE!" the girl shrieked. "THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS IS THAT I DON'T WANT YOU EATING MOHMOO AT ALL! YOU MEAN BASTARDS ARE SCARING HIM! LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

Sanji blinked before waving his hand placatingly, a perfectly pleasant smile on his face. "Now now, don't you worry about a thing. I know all the humane slaughter methods, and I can put the cow down painlessly. The meat tastes better that way, anyway. It'll be the most delicious—!"

_THWACK!_

"GAH, SONNUVA—!" Sanji swore, hopping back with his hands clutching his shin where the girl had nailed him.

"ARE YOU IDIOTS _DEAF!?"_ she demanded, waving her arms about. "I DON'T WANNA EAT HIM! AND I'M NOT GOING TO _LET_ YOU EAT HIM EITHER! GOT IT!?"

"Aaaw…" Luffy sagged in disappointment, even with a _second_ lump. "You're sure? Not even a little bit?"

"HELL NO!" the girl shouted, arms crossed. "With a stomach like yours, 'a little' would be over half of him!"

"Well, yeah! He can still live with that much, right?"

" _IDIOT!"_

I frowned as I watched a prepubescent girl _wail_ on my multi-hundred-million captain, literally brow-beating him with whatever she was holding. As I watched, I discerned a few facts about the girl.

First, the conical hat she was supporting was strikingly familiar to me. That was pretty obvious, though, it was a rather unforgettable piece of headwear. Second, there was something about the fervor with which she was defending the sea cow, something… personal? Well, either way, third, and most important of all, was that she'd covered up the seastone she was wielding to stop Luffy, making it likely that she was a Fruit user, too.

So, Fruit user, weird hat, protective attitude in regards to animals… "This seems familiar…" I muttered, scratching my finger against my temple. "Or rather, _she_ seems familiar… but why is that…" I frowned as I contemplated the situation. "Is she someone I should know about, or could she be somebody completely original—?"

My train of thought was jarred by a _heavy_ weight thumping down behind me, and a hot snort washing over my head. "I doubt it," a voice that both terrified and annoyed me to no end crooned smoothly. "Reality, after all, can only handle one of me."

I _slowly_ turned a glare on Soundbite, my head twitching every inch of the way. "…Soundbite? Remind me to kill you later."

" **IF I HAD A** _ **HUNDRED BERI**_ _for every time_ YOU SAID THAT, **my shell would be** _ **GOLD-PLATED."**_

Bracing myself for whatever new migraine I was in for, I turned around, looked up towards the source of the voice… and then _kept_ looking up at the _motherf—!_

I flinched at the facefull of irritated air that hit my face.

…correction. A _fuck-mothering dragon._ With wings and scales and, well, _everything._ A… rather _familiar_ -looking dragon, at that, that successfully stirred… at least half of my memories. But, really, only half, because reality wasn't _quite_ as faithful to my memory as I expected. In fact…

"Uh…" I slowly, tentatively stuck up a finger. "Okay, first… Ryu, right?" I pointed my thumb over my shoulder, indicating the still-rampaging girl. "Making that Apis, wielder of the Whisper-Whisper fruit?"

The dragon snorted again, though from the new smirk, I think he was just amused this time. "You've got the name of my lady right, Jeremiah Cross, but as for me, we- _hell…"_ A flash of fang as he cocked his head. "I've had _many_ names over the years, and while you're right that Ryu was the name I held during my previous life, I am now known as Lindwyrm, or Lindy for simplicity."

I nodded slowly, filing that name away in the 'do not forget, ever' folder before raising a second finger. "Second, no offense meant to you, but… have you…" I gestured weakly at him. "Had some work done? Because unless my memory's shoddy, aren't Millennial Dragons supposed to have more fur and feathers than scales?" And indeed, Lindy looked less like a Millenial Dragon, wyvern-esque with feathered wings and a furry mane, and much more like a traditional, knight-in-shining-armor dragon, with scales and leathery membranous wings.

"Huh? Hey, yeah!" Luffy perked up, eyeing the dragon curiously. "You're bigger than when we fought Shiki too!"

And judging by the way Apis suddenly abandoned her assault on my crewmates in favor of looking over her once-old friend in awe, that was double proof that my memory wasn't failing me.

"Wow. Looks like our experiment worked," she mused, rubbing her hands over the hardened flesh.

"Indeed," Lindy rumbled proudly, one leg also rubbing against the scales as he shook himself down. "Aaaaah, as though the new body wasn't good enough, I feel several _centuries_ younger to boot! New places to see, new foes to fight, and all in my absolute prime! What a time to be alive!"

I momentarily mulled over that statement, and I was positively thunderstruck when the words and the implications thereof resonated with a vaguely faded memory of _Soul Eater_ of all things. More specifically—

" **IS YOUR BODY** _ **DE-**_ _VOLVING?!"_ Soundbite voiced my very thoughts in a shocked yelp.

"Eh?" Luffy blinked at us in confusion. "Devolve? Like, what, evolution the other way? But wouldn't that make him weaker?"

"Ooh, ten points to the rubber-brain, he's actually managed to grasp basic logic!" Lindy sneered condescendingly, before throwing his head back and preening as the light glittered off his newly grown scales. "Allow me to enlighten your feeble, mortal minds with my eternal—!"

_THWACK!_

The dragon flinched and went silent as a pair of seastone cuffs bounced off his snout, and he glanced down at the young girl who was staring up at him, expression unimpressed, fists on her hips and her foot tapping impatiently.

Lindy stared blankly at her for a second before rolling his eyes with a huff. "Long story short, my kind's bodies have evolved in a more lax direction ever since we got better at hiding ourselves and avoiding attention. But _back in the day,_ when we were at our prime, we had all the perks: iron-hard scales, claws like swords, entirely autonomous wings, the whooole kit and kaboodle of the apex predators. And normally, it's quite impossible to turn back the hands of time and bring back what once was… but, well." He leered viciously. " _You all_ found a delicious way of fixing that, didn't you?"

Sanji near bit through his cigarette he clenched his jaw so hard. "The SIQ…" he muttered to himself.

"Yup!" Apis cheerfully answered. "During the fighting, I found where Shiki was keeping the stuff and grabbed a dozen vials of it, and let Lindy eat them all!"

"And as you know, that poison's prime directive is to push a body to the absolute maximum," Lindy nodded, tapping his claw against his scaled temple. "It just so happens that _my_ maximum came and went several evolutionary generations ago. So instead of turning the clock forward, it's doing the smart thing and rolling me _back._ I'd say about, oooh…" He craned his neck in thought. "By this time tomorrow, I'll be back in my prime. Why, I might even go out and feast on a knight or two, just for kicks! Oooh, so many possibili—!"

" _Ahem?"_ Apis coughed into her fist, staring up at Lindy with one eye open.

The dragon lapsed into silence again, rolling his eyes. "Yes, _Mom_. The point is that I'm looking forward to getting back into peak physical condition, yes."

" **Meh, still not impressed."**

All activity just _died_ as all eyes turned to Soundbite, most in horror, including mine.

"Ex- _cuse_ me?"

And one in sheer incredulity. An expression I'd never expected to see on a dragon and that I _never wanted to be subjected to again._

"COME ON, _don't pretend it's not obvious!"_ Soundbite sneered. "WHEN IT COMES TO DRAGONS, _THERE'S ONE TRAIT THAT MAKES OR BREAKS the species._ _ **And so long as you don't have a fire in your belly, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A BIG SCALY**_ **DODO!** _**HOOHOOHOO**_ **HEEHEEHEE—!"**

_SNORF!_

" **ACKACKACKACKACK!"/** "SONNUVA!"

Lindy craned his neck back, a smug smile on his face as Soundbite choked on the massive cloud of smoke he'd just blown in my partner's face.

"Give it time," he said before nodding at Apis. "Well, If you have things in hand, milady, I believe sleep will help accelerate the process. If you need me, I'll be dreaming of captaining my own pirate ship, much like this one, only far better."

Apis started to nod before pausing thoughtfully. "Just out of curiosity that I _know_ I'm going to regret… but _how_ , exactly, would your ship be better?"

Lindy lifted his chin in a proud preen. "It would have dragons, of course." He then tilted his head in thought. "Also blackjack." Another tilt another way. "And hors d'oeuvres."

Apis' expression fell flat at the last point. "You mean hookers?"

A look that _would_ have been bemused if the dragon weren't smirking came over Lindy's face.

"That's what I said, isn't it?"

And with that, he flapped off to do God-knows-what God-knows-where. Me? I was too busy _also_ choking on the sizeable cloud of smoke I'd caught the tail end of. First time in a while I'd regretted being Soundbite's choice of perch.

"Sometimes it scares me to think of what our relationship would have been like if the captain hadn't convinced us to leave with him…" Apis muttered. She then turned back to us with a bit of a sheepish expression. "Anyway, ah… what were we talking about before this?"

"The sea cow," I wheezed out, trying to massage the smoke from my throat.

"Ah, right, thanks. AS I WAS SAYING," she snapped, glaring at Luffy and Sanji. "LEAVE MOHMOO ALONE OR I'LL FEED YOU TWO TO LINDY! GOT IT?"

"M-Miss Apis, was it?" Sanji said, getting his wits together. "In our defense, we've met him before… and not under the best circumstances."

"What are you even—?!"

"Wha— _Mohmoo?!_ What are _you_ doing here?"

Right on cue and interrupting Apis, we all turned to see Nami standing by the Sunny's railing, looking over at the cow in shock.

Said cow wasn't doing much better, head half underwater as he loosed a warbling, mournful moo.

"Huh?" Apis said, looking concerned. "What's he apologizing for? Mohmoo, what—?"

"Right before I joined the crew," I forced out, glancing aside with a grimace. "Luffy earned his first bounty by defeating 'Saw-Tooth' Arlong, a fishman pirate who had taken over an archipelago in the East Blue. Mohmoo was under his command, and while I'm pretty sure it was either not by his choice or he didn't know any better, Mohmoo was _still_ involved in a lot of carnage. He… He hurt a lot of people."

Mohmoo moo'd again, and from the way he was nodding his head, it wasn't anything to refute my words.

Apis looked conflicted as she looked between us, Mohmoo, and Nami. The navigator was still looking at Mohmoo, more from shock and surprise than anything.

"I don't know about Luffy and Sanji, but Mohmoo definitely owed Nami an apology for what happened last time," I concluded.

I took the glare Nami shot my way on the chin. "I can speak for myself, thank you very much, Cross," she bit out. That done, she turned back to Mohmoo, gaze softening. "And what I want to say… is that I can already tell Mohmoo's sorry enough for what he did. I've put what happened back then behind me. I can forgive him, especially for crimes that weren't his."

I gracefully hid my flinch at Nami's words, and instead focused on… well, Apis focusing on whatever Mohmoo was saying. She then nodded and addressed Nami. "Mohmoo says that he's really sorry for what he did, and that he'll try and do whatever he can to make it up to you."

For a few tense seconds, Nami stared at the sea cow before nodding slowly, and even cracking a small smile. "Good enough."

Mohmoo closed his eyes in grateful relief before sinking back below the surface.

"…So, we can't eat him?"

OK, _now_ Nami looked peeved. "Sanji?"

"Coming up, Nami-swan," the chef sighed, a well-placed boot upside our captain's ass sent Luffy flying straight back to the Sunny and into the tender (HA!) mercies of Nami's Eisen Tempo.

I stared after our captain for a second before tilting my head contemplatively. "Ya know," I mused to myself. "I only just realized, I came on to this ship for something completely different and I just got swept up in all this madness." I tilted my head even further. "Now, what the heck was it…?"

" _ **Assassins at 5 o'clock,"**_ Soundbite flatly announced.

"RIGHT!" I barked, spinning on my heel and schooling my expression as I came face-to-face with 5 and Valentine's smirking forms.

"Gotta admit, Cross: you really are scary when you're mad," Mr. 5 said. "Last time I saw that cold an expression, it was on Mr. 1."

"But now that you've had your revenge, it's only fair that we get ours, too," Valentine chirped acridly, somehow making the act of spinning her parasol menacing. "Just a few weeks in traction to make up for all the hell you put us through on Little Garden _and_ killing our chances at a quiet retirement—"

Valentine froze when a breeze brushed along her neck and resolved into a slender hand, a face that was the picture of serenity coalescing behind her shoulder in the next moment.

"Now, I'm _sure_ I misheard you, Valentine," Vivi crooned, her fingers flexing tightly on the assassin's throat. "You _couldn't_ have just said that you were upset about my family and my kingdom retaliating for the farce that got me my bounty just because it made _you_ more likely to be arrested for… what was it? Ah, yes, _attempting to destroy my country?"_

"N-Nothing of the sort, Miss Wed—GRK! P-P-Princess Nefertari Vivi!" Valentine said in a voice higher-pitched than Chopper's as Vivi pinched down on her windpipe.

" _Good,"_ Vivi intoned. "Because otherwise, I would have had to take _my_ very justified revenge. I'd suggest you keep giving me reason to put it off. Now, if you'll excuse me—" Vivi's once-serene face turned fearful with impressive speed. "I can't let Robin find me."

And the wind-woman dissipated, leaving us standing around in gape-mouthed astonishment. I took advantage of the pause to retrieve a pack I had brought onboard for this exact reason.

"Now, I _do_ understand your grudge," I said, rummaging in the pack. "So, if I'm going to have you _not_ wring my neck, you'll need some… incentive." Pulling out a bundle colored black, gold, and bright red, I handed it over to 5. "For you, a highly durable fireman's outfit." Reaching back into the pack, I pulled out a covered platter. "And for you, Valentine, some gourmet chocolate." A sheet of paper joined the platter. "The recipe, too."

Valentine took the platter, eyeing it suspiciously, and glanced over to her partner. He had pulled out the jacket of the outfit and slipped it on, and to her eyes it looked just a bit small. Small enough that it was likely his usual coat underneath that was causing the problem. Still eyeing it suspiciously, she peeled back the cover. Looked like chocolate. She picked one up. Felt like chocolate. A sniff. Smelled like chocolate. She popped it in her mouth.

_Bliss._

"Oh, my God, this is the best chocolate I've ever tasted…" she moaned, swaying on her feet as she all but melted.

"And this jacket is a perfect fit," 5 added, actually emoting as he flexed and admired his own profile.

They glanced at each other, something passing between them.

_WHAM!_

Aaand then I doubled over as two powerful fists rammed square into my gut.

" _Now_ we're even," the assassins gloated together.

"Yeah, I'll take it…" I woofed out, staggering in an attempt to stay on my feet.

"But you're not off the hook yet!" Valentine interjected, crossing her arms and straightening her back so that she was looming over me… kinda.

"Eh, he is with me," 5 said, having already turned to walk away. "You wanna go down this rabbit hole, that's your problem. Me? I'm good. See ya." Waving his hand over his shoulder, he ambled off.

Valentine glowered after him before focusing on me. "Alright, Cross, if we're going to be stuck together for who knows how long, then you're going to talk. How do you know so much stuff that you _clearly_ shouldn't?!" She leaned in and stared me right in the eye. " _How?"_

I blinked at the reaction. "…you _really_ want to know?" I slowly allowed myself to don a taunting smirk, and I _relished_ how that alone put her on the back foot. "Alright, fine. I'll tell you." I stepped back and crossed my arm behind my back as I wistfully glanced skyward. "It all started fifty years ago to… no, wait, a week ago, fifty years a week ago."

**-o-**

[GRAH! DAMNED WORTHLESS FEATHER-RAT PIECES OF—!]

Unheard even to Soundbite, invective flowed in a steady stream from Su's mouth as she bashed her head against the walls of one of the few places on the Sunny that was soundproof. Her request on Thriller Bark had been fulfilled, and quickly. The News Coo network had pieced together a description that said where to find the Children of Inari, and consequently the power she needed to stand with the rest of the Straw Hats.

And this was frustrating to the cloud fox because, as she really should have expected from her smart-alecky species, it wasn't straightforward in the least. Not only was it in the form of a _riddle_ , said riddle even lacked the basic decency to be written in only one language!

[Oh, _suuuuuch_ a clear message!" Su snarled to herself. ['Delve unto the heart of the Eternal Firstborn, and there shall the pilgrim find their destination: Cradle of the Children of Inari and Grave of Blessed Tamamo, _Kitsune ni Mitsukerareru Kakure!'_ _GAAAAH!]_ Screaming wordlessly, the cloud fox smacked her head against the bulkhead. [Damn the yokai foxes of Wano and damn their moonspeak! 'Oh, we think it means Village That Can Be Found by a Fox', yeah, _no shit, Coo!_ If these are instructions for a pilgrimage, _then shouldn't they be fucking_ clear!?]

Rolling from back to front to back to front, furiously scratching her head, the fox continued ranting out of sight and earshot of anyone who could have detected her. [That SIQ boost'll help me bounce heads, but is that enough? NO! If I can't reshape geography at this point, the best I can do is run, hide, and support from behind the front lines! I want to be the one who _makes_ people run! I want to be _stronger!_ I want to be _useful!_ Is that too much to ask? _DAMN IT ALL RIGHT TO—!]_

_CLUNK!_

" _GWAH!"_ Su yelped as the tunnel suddenly opened up beneath her, dropping her into the open air and also back into range of Soundbite's auditory capabilities. The cloud fox hastily flexed her limber muscles, trying to spin her torso to land with grace. But much to her surprise, rather than the leg-rattling impact with the floor she anticipated, she landed _much_ sooner than she'd expected, and much higher up too.

And on a… broad platform…

"Hey, Franky," Su smirked in her cockiest voice, raising her paw in a salute. "Thanks for the catch."

"Heh, no problem," Franky nodded back, tossing the fox onto the clearest table in the factory. "Lemme guess, Little Sis's tunnels aren't as stable as she thinks?"

"Eh," the fox shrugged indifferently. "Nah, I think the problem is I stepped on a latch-trigger by accident. These things happen. But enough about who was snooping through which pantry looking for a snack." She glanced around the workshop. "What about you, tin can? What brings you belowdecks?"

"You really wanna know? C'mere, c'mere, I'll show ya!" he said eagerly, turning towards one of the nearby workbenches. Su promptly hopped across the tables to clamber onto the larger pirate's shoulder.

Su expected some kind of a weapon on the table, a gadget, a gizmo, but instead, to her surprise, sitting there was a living, breathing Transponder Snail, there in the mucus and shell. Or, well, half a shell, given how the thing's rig was splayed out on the table. But, more surprisingly than that, she didn't recognize it as one of the three that were supposed to be on the ship.

"Is…?" Su sniffed the air. "Is _she_ one of the Barto's?"

"Nope," Franky answered. "She's actually ours. Meet our newest snail, who I nabbed from the clutches of Shiki's palace! Cross and Soundbite named her Gif, and she took to it." He waved at the gastropod. "Say hi, Gif!"

The snail smiled and waved her eyestalk cheerily in response. "( ﾟ▽ﾟ)/"

Su blinked in surprise. "Eh? What the-? Hey, Soundbite, how come you're not translating for your cuz?"

"' _Cause she's my cuz_ _**in more ways than you think!"**_ Soundbite informed her from the next ship over. "FUN FACT FOR YA: _VID SNAILS DON'T HAVE_ **a vocal language!"**

Su's tail shot out in shock. "Vid—? You mean that this new slimeball is a _Visual_ Transponder Snail!?"

"(￣^￣)ゞ" Gif's eyestalk saluted in confirmation.

" **RIGHT ON THE MONEY!"** Soundbite agreed. " _ **Gif's my opposite, all about the eyes. AND WHERE HER SPECIES IS CONCERNED,**_ IT'S ALL ABOUT FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. _I can't translate because there's jack-all for me TO translate,_ **but she gets the point across well enough.** _AIN'T THAT RIGHT, LOOKY-LOO?"_

"(｡◝‿◜｡)" the snail beamed.

" _And that's not all!_ **FRANKY,** _ **WHAT'S TONIGHT'S FEATURED PRIZE?"**_

"Oh, only adding a _SUPER_ amount of insult to all the injuries we already gave Shiki," the cyborg grinned in a way that Su hadn't seen since Enies. "Cross and Soundbite have already worked out the way Shiki bounced video feeds from snail to snail: the transceiver can hook up to more than one snail at once, but it's up to the first one to connect if anyone else gets in, so Gif just kept reaching out to the right snails and sending their feeds instead of hers. _But,_ with Soundbite and Gif running two specialties at once, _and_ Shiki's worldwide delivery of all those visual snails—"

"He just set the stage to upgrade the SBS to be aural _and_ visual from now on?" Su finished, gaping.

" **BINGO!"** Soundbite cheered.

"(o✪‿✪o)ｼ" Gif's eyes glimmered in agreement.

" _ **AND WITH WHAT WE GOT THE SUPER—!"**_

The cyborg snapped into his trademark pose. "SUPER!"

" **IRON MAN working on,** _ohohohooooh,"_ the verbal snail trailed off into a malevolent chuckle. " _ **Oh, and**_ _make sure SANJI doesn't find out. NO WAY IN HELL IS HE_ _ **DITCHING HIS POSTER WHILE I CAN HELP IT! Ain't that right, sistah from another shell?"**_

"＼(^O^ )＞*" said sister saluted in agreement.

"You are _so_ mean," Su snickered behind her paw.

Said paw then hid her muzzle as it dropped into a frown. ' _And tenacious,'_ she morosely thought to herself. ' _And determined. And you refuse to let yourself be squashed…'_

The cloud fox's hackles split in a snarl. ' _And I swear… I swear, to Blessed Tamamo, to Inari themself… I_ will _come far enough to stand at your side!"_

**-o-**

"…And so, while the Civil War didn't start out over slavery, Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation _made_ it about slavery. Make sense?" I concluded.

"Hm… yeah, when you put it that way, I understand perfectly," Valentine nodded in complete understanding before popping up her finger. "Just one question, however…" The assassin's expression twisted in aggravation. "WHAT DID _ANY_ OF THAT HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR UNHOLY KNOWLEDGE?!"

I blinked and stared at her in the picture-perfect image of obliviousness. "Oh, jack all, I was just jabbering random nonsense. What on earth made you think any of that had anything to do with my knowing that you dream of being a chocolatier one day?"

"√ _¡$∂£X¥œ¡γ¿∫=ƒ‰£ç∞¢ç∫ß¥!"_

Valentine's response was… less than coherent.

" **If it's any consolation?"** my personal parasite blandly piped up. " _ **From the sound of things, THIS MORON FAILED HISTORY CLASS."**_

I snapped a glare at the mucus stain. "I've been away from home for nearly a year, I'm just happy I got even _some_ of the names right!"

Incoherent outburst over, Valentine settled for just glowering at us, and I schooled my expression into a more serious one.

"Dropping the joking, the real explanation is going to be even more taxing on your sanity than what I just did, and I'm not planning to spread it beyond my crew, the leaders of the Masons, and their most trusted allies." I jabbed my thumb towards the last place I'd seen the other captain Supernova. "If Barty wants to tell you, fine. But you of all people should understand discretion; you're still not even using your real name."

Valentine's eyes narrowed briefly. Then, just as quickly, she schooled her expression into a pleasant smile. "Alright, Cross, I can't argue with that. I'll keep what little sanity I've got left and I'll bug Barty if I decide I need to know. Thanks for the chocolate."

And with that, she walked away. I blinked in surprise and glanced at Soundbite, who was even more surprised.

"SHE WAS SINCERE," the snail explained. " **They're not usually** _ **that understanding."**_

I shrugged and began making my way back toward the Sunny. "I guess it was gonna happen sooner or later."

While I walked back, though, I caught sight of Bartolomeo himself hobbling onto the deck, his arms mummified in slings, plaster and bandages, while a crescent-shaped barrier behind his shoulders formed an arm of translucent energy at either end.

"Doing alright, Barty?" I asked, coming to a stop as I looked him over.

"Yeah," he grunted, flinching as he accidentally tried to shift his real arms and instead used the left-hand side of his barrier-substitutes to scratch at his jaw. "Probably gonna be using my powers as a literal crutch for a month or two, but nothing I can't handle. Marines back home hit harder than that gilded asshole."

I smiled and nodded proudly. "Good to hear. Thanks for everything; we and the entire East Blue owe you big time."

Bartolomeo's head bowed, shadows from his hair hiding his expression, and I suddenly felt a sinking feeling.

"Yeah… you know, I really couldn't enjoy being right there beside you guys through that mess, because the whole time, I kept thinking about Gambia and the rest of my boys back in Loguetown," he said. "Shiki the Golden Lion… yeah, I think I might even give Gin the credit he's due; I could punch out a dozen of those bastards, and it wouldn't be as satisfying as watching Shiki fall out of the sky."

My eye twitched slightly as a possibility niggled at my mind. "Yeeeaaah, that sentiment isn't going to last five minutes when we hit Sabaody," I muttered.

"But now," Bartolomeo continued, seeming to not hear me. "Now that he's gone, the East Blue is safe, and I'm here… sailing to the end of the first half of the Grand Line with you guys…"

The big lug started trembling and I at first worried he was in pain, but then that feeling from earlier returned, twice as strong, and I simply sighed as I clamped my earphones over my head in resignation. Just in time, too, because a second later the barrier on his back formed two arms that shot up into the sky with hands making horns out of their index and pinky fingers. "THAT WAS SO AWESOME!" he cackled madly, tongue lolling out like the stereotypical rockstar he so resembled. "I got to—And then they were—I was right there with Luffy-senpai! Riding Lindy, and—I helped! My crew, your crew, all of us, side by side, and I got to—YEEEEEEEE!"

He ran, his limp seemingly forgotten, right to the edge of the railing, his barriers grabbing it as he thrust his head to the horizon. "I can't believe I was actually lucky enough to do that, and now… now I'm sailing alongside you guys right to the end of the first half! It's a dream come true, it's as good as finding the One Piece myself!"

"OK, Captain," Gin cut in, walking over from where he'd been passing orders to some of the club's mooks, a grimace on his face. "I think you might be overreacting a little—"

"LIKE HELL I AM!" Barty shrieked in euphoria. "Just look! The Thousand Sunny is beside us, and so many amazing people with so many amazing talents are onboard! Luffy-senpai and the way he makes friends with anyone! Zoro-senpai and his insane strength! Nami-senpai and her weather witch magic! Usopp-senpai and his sniper skills! Sanji-senpai and his delicious food! Cross-senpai and his plans for everything! Soundbite-senpai and his voice for Lindy!"

I exchanged looks with Soundbite, and going by the weird distortion of sound coming from my shoulder, he had braced himself for what I was planning. A few glances around deck found the upper brass of the Barto Club and Sanji looking at me with deadpan expressions as they moved to protect their ears.

"Merry-senpai and her weird appetite! Chopper-senpai and his dangerous insanity! Vivi-senpai and her new airheadedness! Carue-senpai and his voice! Lassoo-senpai and his loyalty! Oh, Boss-senpai, he's so strong and so disciplined! The TDWS, I wish half my minions were as good as they are! Robin-senpai, she's so mysterious! Conis-senpai is so nice but so dangerous! Funkfreed-senpai is an elephant, a damn elephant! Franky-senpai is such a cool robot! Brook-senpai is a skeleton!"

He trembled once more and his voice nearly doubled in volume.

"I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THE STRAW HAT PIRATES!"

_**BWAAAAAAAAAH!** _

"… _except_ for that stupid horn," Bartolomeo growled through clenched teeth.

"Well, _I_ still love it," I said cheekily.

" _We know,"_ everyone in earshot growled. Probably not nearly as angry as they would have been if I hadn't given them some actual warning, and _especially_ seeing as this time it wasn't even halfway my fault.

"Though at least it snapped our captain out of his blubbering," Goldenweek mused.

And that, too.

**-o-**

The world over, people celebrated the downfall of Golden Lion Shiki. It didn't matter if they were prince or pauper, or even Marine or Pirate, the Golden Lion had been an existential threat to all, and now that he was laid low, the world was (relatively) safe once more. Nary a person in the world could be found without celebration.

But just because this was the case for 'the world' did not mean it was the case for those _above it._ And far above the world, in the hallowed halls of Holy Mariejois, news that had the masses cheering brought only grimness to the faces of the men to whom the world belonged.

"It is bad enough that the Straw Hats were demonizing the Government for the world to see," the scarred old man groused as he irritably tapped a finger on his cane. "But Shiki's resurgence… we knew from the start that nothing good could come of it."

"We have _some_ consolation that the remnants of his army are under our control, as well as a new Warlord to safeguard that devilish IQ plant," the tallest of them sighed heavily, stroking a hand down his beard. "But that's cold comfort when the Straw Hats have literally saved the world while the entire world bore witness, and the Marines were left powerless."

"Even when the Navy and Government aren't in the crosshairs, the SBS continues to undermine us."

A pause fell in which the other four turned to eye the youngest among them, who was pinching the bridge of his nose in irritation. "To the extent that even _I_ am coming to understand that, reputation be damned, we need the Straw Hats out of the picture for good," he growled impatiently.

"They cannot avoid passing through Sabaody," the sword-wielder stated, tapping his own forehead. "We have roughly a month before they arrive. Defenses are already in place; they shall not make it there alive. We will make sure of it."

"And the Navy will rebuild itself to be stronger than ever. On the note of which…" the prominently mustached member trailed off, unhooking their Transponder Snail's mic and selecting a number.

" _Puru puru puru puru! Puru puru puru puru! Puru puru—KA-LICK!_ _ **What?"**_

The ambient temperature in the room flatlined as the five men simultaneously levelled glares at the snail. "Would you care to try that again, Sakazuki?" the cane-holder asked in a dead tone of voice.

The snail's eyes widened, and inhaled and exhaled slowly. " _My apologies, sirs,"_ he responded with a measure of respect. " _My mission is going well. I have three battalions organized and undergoing training in Marine protocols so they can properly coordinate with each other and Marine forces in battle. And I still have over a dozen islands to visit."_

"Acceptable progress," the sword-wielder nodded, eyeing a short segment of his blade before slamming the sheath shut with a definitive _click!_ "Maintain it."

" _Understood, sirs. KA-LICK!"_

**-o-**

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

I was snapped out of my idle wandering by the sudden ringing from my shoulder. I glanced at the caller ID, and then did a double take at the unfamiliar number. My eyes narrowed a bit, and I looked up, finding some satisfaction in seeing my confidants making their way towards me. Or three of them, at least; based on the tone in which Robin had snarled at me when I'd tried to talk to her, I didn't expect to see Vivi for the rest of the day… or week. Hell, I'd be surprised if she let herself stay corporeal for more than a minute at a time!

But anyway, after a moment's thought, I nodded my head towards Barto too, and going by the way his head snapped towards me, the snail had gotten my attention as I wanted. Barto, though, grimaced and indicated his casts with his barrier-limbs, so I decided to cut him a break. I pointed everyone else towards the Sunny's lounge, and we all made our way inside in a… relatively orderly fashion, if you ignored Merry bouncing off Zoro's head as she dropped down from the rafters.

There _were_ a few Club members hanging out in the lounge—

" _BEAT IT, BUMS!"_ Barto's projected voice barked.

—but suffice to say they cleared out _real_ quick.

"Right, I'll be quick," I opened, pointing down at my bag. "Did any of you give out Soundbite's number recently? Because unless Samson is calling, I don't know who this is."

"Oh!" Nami perked up with a smile, her Eisen aura waving happily. "It must be Perona! I left her the number before she left, after she mentioned raising hell together."

There was a brief ripple of surprise from all of us, but no overt shock. Most likely everyone else had been expecting something like this. I definitely was, with a farewell like I'd seen. But…

Before I could voice my thoughts, however, Soundbite beat me to it. " _ **Yeah, well**_ — _Puru puru puru puru!—_ **DO I ANSWER OR** — _Puru puru puru puru!_ —NOT? _She doesn't seem—Puru puru puru puru!_ — _THE TYPE!"_

"We'll see. May I?" Nami asked, plucking up the speaker before I could answer. "Bellemere's Tangerine Orchard."

"… _Is this Soundbite screwing with me?"_ a heavily-mascara'd face that could only be Perona's grumbled.

" **We're sorry, you seem to be mistaking us** _FOR A CREW WHERE_ ANYONE _**is sane."**_

"Sorry, Perona, couldn't resist," Nami snickered behind her fist. Then her expression softened into patient concern. "How are you doing?"

" _Mmph…"_ Perona groaned before beaming. " _Couldn't be better! The villagers who stayed have accepted me as their new princess, and they're rebuilding the palace, too! They're…_ really _good at building stuff,"_ she added, a slight sweatdrop on her forehead.

" _And I have so many wonderful pets… I couldn't be happier."_ She then frowned in complete seriousness. " _Well… unless you had something in mind? It_ was _fun the couple of times I got to share in you guys wreaking havoc. Scary, sure, but fun. So I'd be up for doing it some more if that's what you were offering."_

Nami looked at me in askance, but I waved her off. This was her dog and pony show, I wouldn't get in the way of it. Our navigator hesitated briefly, but ultimately she put on a determined face and nodded at Soundbite. "I was. But it's a little more complicated than that. Before I go any further, I'd like to know one thing, Perona: how much do you value freedom?"

The line was silent for a few moments, Perona looking down in thought. And then, when she looked up, her expression was one of passionate purpose.

" _The freedom to be who I am without being attacked for it is the whole reason that I couldn't betray you guys,"_ Perona hotly reminded us. Then she smirked. " _But if you're talking about freedom from the law, to do whatever you want? Weeell… I'm not about to try harming any civilians, not when I'm in my own personal heaven. But I wouldn't say no to helping knock the Government down a few pegs."_

Alright, that was enough for me. "And what about helping to tear it completely apart?" I cut in.

Perona's smirk faded at once, her eyes snapping wide. "… _You're serious. There's no way in hell someone like_ you _would joke about something like that."_

"Brilliant deduction," I drawled.

" _But more than that, you're being_ serious, _and that's never a good sign, you're dangerous enough when you're_ happy," Perona elaborated, her expression becoming slightly fearful. " _I… what exactly are you asking of me?"_

"You're already an ally of our crew, Perona," Nami interjected, silencing me with a sidelong _look_. "We're just wondering if you'd like to take that alliance a little deeper. But it's only if you're willing; if you decide to join, there's no backing out of this."

Silence. Then Perona shook her head. " _Why am I surprised…?"_ she sighed, glancing upward. " _You know, even a day ago, I would have told you 'thanks, but no thanks, now don't let the door hit you on the way out'. But… it's thanks to you guys that I've even got a door to slam in the first place…"_ Perona put on a kindly smile. "Including _actual friends. So… what the hell, if you all can put your lives on the line, why can't I? It's the least I can do."_

"Shall we, then?" Merry asked, clapping her hands.

"Right," Nami said, her expression and Eisen both taking on stormy qualities. "Here's the basic premise…"

In short order, we gave Perona a brief overview of the Masons and their goals.

"…so yeah," Nami nodded with finality as she finished her explanation. "This is deadly serious. I have to ask again: are you _sure_ about this?"

The only response Perona had to give was a derisive snort. " _My life is already on the line if the Government finds out I'm your ally at all. Considering you guys' track record, I'm all for backing the long odds that mean I'll never have to worry about anything threatening my kingdom again. Friends included, of course."_ She flashed a cocky grin. " _Plus, contacts with other pirates and even Marines?_ That _is an offer I can't refuse._ "

"Good enough for me," I nodded. When everyone else nodded too, Soundbite closed his eyes and concentrated.

" _ **Time to meet the crew. DIALING…"**_

Soundbite's mug shifted to Tashigi's cool expression. " _Pisces."_

"Ophiuchus," I returned. "I've got another Rabbit situation."

A short exhale of breath came from the other end. " _Why am I surprised? Stand by. KA-LICK!"_

"She'll be back in a minute," Merry said. "Meanwhile, might want to start thinking of your codename. Pirates use the Eastern Zodiac; your choices are Rat, Tiger, Horse, Dog, and Pig."

" _Hmm… Puru puru puru puru!"_ Soundbite's contemplative expression flickered back to himself. " **Hold that thought, Perona.** _KA-LICK!"_

Aaand hel- _lo_ a scathing glower. " _Another Rabbit situation, Cross? Really?"_

I chuckled and raised my hands defensively, but luckily I wasn't the one who had to respond.

"To be fair, Capricorn, this one was all on me," Nami said, eyeing me smugly.

…alright, _something_ about the way she said that bugged me.

"Something you wanna say?" I asked tightly.

Nami's smug look took on a pointed, catty edge. "My one, your three," she singsang. "Watch your back, because I'll catch up soon enough."

I jerked towards her, fingers twitching in my gauntlets. "Alright, listen here—!"

Nami loosed a grim chuckle of her own as her Eisen Tempo started to crackle. "Bring it, you—!"

"Grit your teeth."

"Huh?"/"Wha—?"

_CLONK!_

Nami and I clutched our throbbing foreheads. " _Ooooww…"_

"You done?" Zoro asked impatiently as he dusted his hands off.

"I'm good," Nami groaned.

"Sorry, got caught up," I waved him off, rubbing my aching forehead. "So, who have we got here?"

" _Skeleton crew, as you'd expect after the sheer insanity you and Shiki unleashed,"_ Tashigi sighed, most likely mourning all the hours of sleep I'd cost her. " _Me, Capricorn and Aquarius are all we have for the Divine."_

" _And I,"_ Foxy piped in. " _Appear to be the only Damned who's free. Most likely because my crew isn't doing anything they can't handle themselves. So, new member, you said?"_

"Right on the money, Goat," I nodded. "Our proposed new recruit as been briefed on the basics of the situation. I'll let her speak for herself. If you would?"

" _Thank you kindly,"_ Perona preened impishly. "' _Ghost Princess' Perona here, former subordinate to Gecko Moria, newly crowned ruler of the sovereign land of Merveille and all of the magnificent beasts that dwell there…"_ And out of the blue the girl's expression became downright sadistic. " _And the newest member of the Seven Warlords of the Sea."_

"COME AGAIN?!" demanded half the call, including everyone on our side. Myself included, I'm not ashamed to admit, because _what the high holy hell!?_

Nami was the first of us to recover, and she flashed a victorious grin my way. " _HA!_ First Warlord!"

And that got _me_ out of my own shock as my pride pricked up. "Wanna say that to my—?"

"Do I need to separate you two?" Merry interrupted, though her tone of voice said she was more amused than anything.

I ground my teeth at the smug look Nami was still wearing, but I still had enough self-control to know when to clam it.

" _Just in case any of you are dubious, I witnessed her inauguration myself,"_ Tsuru spoke up, her expression the picture of weariness. " _She floated up to Garp and Sengoku and made them an offer that they couldn't refuse. And while one in your position would be a welcome addition to our ranks, Perona…"_ The Vice Admiral narrowed her eyes suspiciously. " _I would like to inquire why you would choose to put your life on the line for a world of freedom."_

" _I have to go through this again?"_ Perona groused. " _Ugh… fine. I tried leaving the Straw Hats behind in Merveille, but I'd gotten too attached… especially to Nami, maybe the first real friend I've ever had. I was free to be who I wanted to be, and they didn't throw me off when I stowed away; I'd gladly fight for something like that."_ She paused before shrugging dismissively. " _And besides, if the Government found out that I was loyal to the Straw Hats, I'd lose everything anyway; putting it all on the line to make sure I can live in peace forever is enough motivation for me."_

" _Hm…"_ Tsuru hummed before glancing up at me. " _Ophiuchus. Do you trust her?"_

Rubbing my jaw, I turned over the idea. "…a few weeks back, I'd have hesitated," I admitted, throwing up a hand to stop Nami's inevitable protest. " _But,_ after all we've been through… she came back to fight when she had every right to run. I'll back her… although…" I shot a flat look at Nami. "I want to make it clear that when this shit hits the Rabbit-shaped fan, I am _not_ taking the fall. Capiche?"

Nami flinched and nodded. "I'll take the blowback from that powderkeg on the chin, yeah…"

" _That will suffice, then,"_ Tsuru nodded. " _Let us clarify what is expected of you: once you have properly established yourself, you will be expected to use the influence of your new title to assist us where necessary and possible without raising suspicion. We will also expect Merveille to be available for asylum for our forces when we need it. If this is acceptable, then we welcome you to the New World Masons. Have you chosen a codename?"_

" _Easily, yes!"_ Perona perked up eagerly. " _Out of what's available, I'm going with the cutest: Puppy."_

Silence fell for several seconds.

" _We have had to deal with eccentricities before,"_ Hina pointed out. " _Hina thinks that tweaking a codename is the least thus far."_

" _Agreed,"_ the rest of the Divine concurred.

" _No problems here!"_ Foxy agreed, before glancing aside with a glower. " _Though I'd sure like to make_ my _name sound better…"_

" _Great! So, who all am I talking to right… now… huh?"_

"What is it?" I asked.

" _Sorry, a weird bird just flew past me. It's perching on my tiger-pony."_

And then a familiar, suave, _infuriating_ voice came across the connection:

" _I'm on_ another _horse."_

"…Perona?" I snarled through the crimson haze that had suddenly invaded my mind, not helped by the rest of my co-conspirators looking fit to bust a stitch laughing, most likely at my expression. "Could I trouble you to blow him up?"

" _I make things implode, not explode, remember?"_ she crooned, clearly reading the anger I imagine was all but radiating off of me.

" _Perona just kill the fucking bird,"_ I demanded.

Tragically, the laughter that echoed through the room told me that that just wasn't happening today.

**-o-**

Unsurprisingly, and _much_ to my sanity's regret, Isaiah didn't end up dead. But the rest of the call was honestly pretty uneventful, unless you count the way Perona had seemed rather terrified at learning Tsuru was involved. I also confided a… tastefully edited version of what I saw of her in the story. I couldn't mention Mihawk, after all, or they wouldn't let me get away with not telling them the rest. I managed to jab about Zoro getting lost and ending up on the same island as she did, and that was enough for everyone.

But it was a reminder for me. When the call had ended, I was the first one out of the lounge. I went straight to Luffy and asked to see Ace's Vivre Card. Much to my relief, it was still whole and unburning. One worry still down, but enough left. And there was no way I was going to let those worries go unaddressed even one second longer. As such, I retrieved as much paper as I could carry from the library, then shot back up to my sound room and started writing.

"What's going on, Cross?" Funkfreed asked, looking over my shoulder. Not really that hard a feat, but still.

"I've put this off for too long," I muttered. "I may have stopped the war, but the crew still isn't ready for the New World. There's a plan already made to fix that…"

"Buuuut…" Lassoo asked slowly, grimacing in anticipation.

I scowled as I ran my fingers through my hair. " _But._ They aren't going to like it. I can't tell them about it yet. The most I can do is start preparing for it, and I need to get started on that now. Because one way or another…"

I stood up, put the sign I had just finished on the hatch to my room, and settled at my desk as I began writing the first of many letters.

Writing, even as my friends were kept out by the words **'CRITICAL PLANNING IN PROGRESS. DO NOT DISTURB. NO EXCEPTIONS.'**

"Our time," I muttered grimly. "Is running out."

**Cross-Brain AN: And that's Strong World done at long last. As a little tidbit for all of you, there will be no more additions to the Straw Hats now that Billy has joined until after the timeskip.**

**Patient AN: Also, while I'm normally the one responsible for keeping things in character, we owe the faithfulness of the portrayal as Alucard from Hellsing Abridged to one of our most valued fans and one of our translation team, TheATS.**

**Oh, did we not mention that before? We've extended an offer to some of our loyal fans who are fluent in languages other than English to translate our story into those languages; thus far, we have Spanish and German translations in the works. All members of the translation teams receive backstage passes, and if any patrons happen to join our P-a-t-r-e-o-n that only discovered our story because of the translation, our translators get a cut of anything that they pledge.**

**Oh, yes, and one more thing: for anyone who doesn't read our Author's Notes, let this be a reason to kick yourself. Our theory on why Shiki never became relevant again in canon is that he never made it back to Impel Down. Not because he drowned, no, that would be far too anticlimactic. No… he crashed down as he did here, but when he regained consciousness, his pride got the better of him, and rather than live with the shame of losing to another rookie—a** _ **nobody**_ — **from the East Blue, he turned Oto and Kogarashi on himself, and so he met his end. In this story, he lost his blades and was brought into captivity. And we're not ones to let such a notable villain fade into the aether; the Straw Hats haven't seen the last of Shiki…**


End file.
